Missing the Party

I thought for a moment about doing a year in review type of thing. But, then I figured, nah. First, it's interesting when the news does it... not so interesting when I do it. While there have been plenty of events unfolding over the last year, overall I've written plenty of blogs to reflect back on, if either you or I are interested to see what has happened.

So... I'll go back to my original idea. I watched Superbad last night. (I signed up for Netflix yesterday so be prepared for more movie references and movie mentionings than there used to be.) However, Superbad was borrowed from my Britney Spears loving chemist friend. I haven't decided on a name for her clearly... I like Britney too and I think the fact that she's all into chemistry rocks. So, I have to come up with a hybrid, of some sort. I will. Anyway... I borrowed the movie from her months ago and finally got to watch it last night. I have to say, I'm not a fan. I laughed once or twice but only once was it a real, hearty couldn't help but give it up kind of laugh though I can't recall what the joke was that made me laugh like that. Not that I have no respect whatsoever for the movie, it just wasn't me.

However, I did get two things out of it. I guess in some ways they combine into one thing. The formerly cutest boy ever really liked the movie and two, I guess I didn't miss out on much when I missed countless parties both during and after high school. Some of those parties are what make the formerly cutest boy ever tick. But, I was invited once and wasn't invited at least twice. Then there was the cloudy, murky invite that supposedly was sent to the wrong person via text. However, watching the remnants of the party in the movie last night was very real. Probably the only truly real part of the movie as far as I could see. The embarrassment that comes with the morning after. Come to think of it, although I was grounded for a long time then had a straight edged boyfriend then went buck wild in my own way, I still did my fair share of partying. Just not at a large amount of people scale. And not that I'll never party again. I just don't care to have random house parties or the frat party experience. I had tastes but no real concrete memories. Which, up until now, wasn't exactly ok with me. I thought I had maybe missed out on something. I've done plenty of stupid things in smaller, more intimate party scenes... kind of feeling glad I missed out on more large scale embarrassment.

As for the cutest boy ever... so what? He had plenty of beer pong experiences... somehow I felt that made him more or better than me. Nah. Not at all. Something about that movie did remind me of that. I did enjoy beer pong the one time I played at a friend's party. However, that night was soured when everyone went home and there was my friend... passed out in the backyard... all of her other guests simply not caring. I helped her to bed where her fiance was laying down (I couldn't stand that dick, she didn't end up marrying him). I think that experience says it all without me having to expand too much.

Everytime I hear this lyric on the radio, I turn it up loud and then ignore the rest of the song:

I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me

(Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care)

And everytime I hear it, I nearly yell it. Loud and clear. Seems to me I'm starting to believe it. See, affirmations aren't always Stuart Smalley.

Roger Rabbit's Final Dip

My phone flew across my bedroom, down the hall and halfway down the steps. The battery out and the back popped off. As I went to go pick it up, I was hoping I didn't destroy it. I can't afford to buy a new phone at the moment. I didn't mind my reaction to someone else's bad mood though I probably would have been angry if my phone didn't turn back on. But, it did.

Is it foolish of me to not go on MORE medication? I have a seasonal component to my disorder that is really showing it's ugly head lately. Pure depression. Not suicidal depression, just unfocused and feelingless depression. Going through the motions and sometimes the motions take everything out of me, even if they shouldn't. Running to the store to pick up my prescription surely should not be my "outing" for the day. It should just be an errand. Still, I'm ok. I don't feel like talking to that many people right now but that's mostly just because I can't focus.

I don't want to go on an antidepressant. For two reasons, I don't want to take more medication and two, an antidepressant could cause my cycles to go into overdrive, which is simply not a risk I am willing to take. Am I suffering right now? I dunno... suffering seems like a strong word for what this is. I'm just nothing right now. That's how it feels. Not that I believe I'm nothing but I'm nothing in the sense that I am feeling little good. The bad isn't SO bad, it just is.

However, I am feeling a bit on edge in some ways. I was prepared to tell my beloved I never wanted to speak to him again - even though I know that's not true. And I threw my phone. And Roger Rabbit got on my nerves last night. I could have cared less if he was dipped in that final dip... I think part of me was hoping for it as I watched the movie. Though the moments he would be dissolving would probably have actually caused a cringe.

Looking forward to March at this point.

Besides 21 Grams

I'm good at several things. And I'm currently feeling very grateful for those things and for the people in my life who matter most. Who are the people who matter most? The ones who show me respect and also who love me even when I choose to disappear.

I am feeling pretty burnt out. I spent the day watching movies and monitoring backups at work. The resounding message I got from all the movies I watched (except one that just wasn't so good) was being thankful for what's in front of you. Instead of always looking elsewhere. To be proud of who you are even if you're not perfect and to love those who love you, forget the rest.

The other strange thing that I couldn't help but notice was the amount of Jewish characters. Nearly all of them were Jewish. But, almost none of them were stereotypical. Just like the Jewish boy who broke my heart. And why did he break my heart? Because he chose to not be the amazing person I know is there. At least not around me. My heart is broken right now, not because he wouldn't be with me on a daily basis but rather because he simply chose to not be anywhere near the man he could be. And because of this choice, he has treated me badly.

I have spent more times than I could name beating myself up for not being good enough for him. For not having my degree, for being bipolar, and for simply not being able to stand up to him when I should have. That last part was a failure on my end to not only challenge myself but also to challenge him. The one time I did, my phone was blowing up and I was ignoring him. He didn't like that too much.

I oftentimes put words in his mouth and in his mind. I'd figure "this is what he's thinking" when, really, it was me who was thinking it. Whatever the choice of that day may be. Whatever I would chose to pick on myself for in that instance. I have done many, many embarrassing things. Right down to last night. I went out limping and not feeling well (most of it was mental), made a fool of myself, I'm afraid. Just one more fucking time I have to forgive myself for. My fuckups come so regularly, it's a wonder I can look at myself long enough in the mirror to put my makeup on.

But... all I can do is keep moving. And that is something I will do. And I will choose to listen to and feel those people who contacted me today instead of worrying about what the one who didn't might have been thinking. Not that I actually did think about him much at all. Until I started noticing all the Jewish folks in the movies I was watching.

No Cable

Christmas has come and gone. Only one holiday left and then life can resume as normal. Looking forward to it.

Had a few friends over for dinner last night as well as my parents. It was fun and the conversation was good. Very good. Made me proud that my friends are who they are. They are thinkers. And thinkers make me happy.

However, I'm hungover. Massively hungover. Lots of drinking over the last week, keeping it mostly to special occasions these days, or at least, trying to. I'm going out tonight, think I'll be sticking with iced tea. And not Long Island, just regular ol' iced tea.

When my parents got to my apartment, they sat down to rest and my dad asked me if he could turn on the TV. I had to tell him that I have no cable. He was ok with that and I had to fill him in that there's no picture on my TV. Then both my parents tried to convince me to get a converter box. I don't want one. I just want to keep the TV off except when it's time to watch movies. I don't watch TV in my downtime, I just don't want to. I don't enjoy just vegging out unless it's in front of a movie or with a good book.

I am curious why this is so hard to understand. Recently I've been called weird for it and now even my parents are trying to convince me. I'm standing my ground on this one people. If anything, I think each time someone mentions to me that I should get cable, I get a little more defiant.

Plus, right now... I can't afford a cable bill anyway so that gives me a quick excuse when pressed as to the why nots of my television situation.

Love Thyself

I stared at this picture yesterday from another friend's post (I will call her Spice from here on out, I'm slowly coming up with the names... please give it time until I figure out yours) and something clicked...

I've wondered for some time why I keep getting involved with people who don't treat me right. It's not as though it's everyone in my life but it is a certain group of "special" folks. And there's nearly consistently always been one who I would just let treat me like garbage and I'd stick with them. Through thick and thin. Even when everyone wanted me away from them. Even when people would confront me about how I wasn't being treated right. I nearly lost biff over one of these mediocre friends. I wouldn't "give up on them". I would do everything in my power to try and "love" them into liking me enough to treat me as I deserve to be treated. This is your basic cycle of abuse, tailored to my specific needs... as it would be for anyone.

It's been happening since I was in 6th grade. I got involved with a friend who became my world. And the cycle began. In fifth grade things changed for me. I became different on my own since my bipolar symptoms started making their way to the surface. However, it wasn't until 6th grade that it began to reflect in my relationships. That's when my co-dependent behavior began. My parents moved me out of public school and placed me in private. There were things going on at home and they thought Catholic school would teach us more morals. While I won't call it a curse, I will say it may have taught me morals, doctrine, and dogma it did not teach me the meaning behind "Loving others as you love yourself". The second greatest command according to the One who the entire religion is based on, spoken during the Sermon on the Mount. In order to love others like yourself you have to love yourself first or you won't know how to truly love others. And the first greatest command is to love God. Again, you can't love others until you love yourself. Seems we have a Catch 22 here.

So... how is my cycle operating itself? Before you can fix something you have to know what's wrong. And, finally... finally... finally I understand it. My therapist is going to love this when I see her again. This is the biggest breakthrough I've had since acknowledging that I needed medication. It's been just over a year. Apparently some good stuff really does happen during the holidays.

I don't like myself very much. I haven't since about 6th grade when I started listening to everyone around me and stopped listening to myself. Before that, I had no problem with me that I recall. Sure, I tried to act certain ways periodically but I could never keep up the fakeness long enough to convince anyone. Like when I tried to be tough in 4th grade when starting a new school... again. Ahh... about 5 minutes in when I had to stand up and say my name, turning red all the while, the mask fell off. I made plenty of friends quickly. It wasn't until walking into St. John's that I felt really out of place. That the other students made sure I would never be "one of them". Which looking back is fine with me because they were some mean S.O.Bs. With the exception of two other girls who by the end of 8th grade I had grown close to. One just didn't seem to care what anyone thought and another had also become an outcast over time. The girl who was "special" had failed a year so she was no longer in my class. Giving me the ability to move on.

But, as for the actual mechanics of the cycle: I don't like myself, I find someone who will help me feed my need to not like myself, will help me keep on beating myself up. I pray and hope and basically beg the situation to change, that they'll start being nice to me. They don't become nice to me. They just stay the same and that way so do I. I was praying recently to learn how to love myself. Finally, I was praying for the right thing. Being an enabler for those folks wasn't very loving either though I'm sure they'll continue to find people to feed into their own self hatred. I just don't want to be one of them anymore. I want to scoop out the bad stuff inside of me and replace it with good stuff. I want to be delicate with myself and treat myself right. It'll take one small choice and change at a time but eventually I'll be good to go.

Many of my panic attacks have been focused on the impending doom that God will ultimately reject me. Turns out it wasn't Him rejecting me, it was me rejecting me.

Thank you, Spice for yesterday's blog.

Appendix to earlier post...

You know what? It's not that I hate the holidays. I am seriously, completely, and finally pissed off. At all the people who have mistreated me, seriously mistreated me over the years. And now my life will change.

The Smell of Vinegar

Good Lord, they are beautiful. Those five kids. I know four of them, one came into this world after the breakup. I haven't seen any of them up close and personal in a few years now. And I am still in love with them.

My ex's sister's kids. Got a picture of them in the mail yesterday. And I cried and cried and cried. Sometimes you go around missing people and you also forget how much you do. Not that I don't think of them regularly but you grow accustomed to the absence somehow. Woke up with puffy eyes this morning and had to use the cucumber gel.

I am really turning into a hate the holidays kind of girl. My mom called last night to ask me to make the Christmas cake. I agreed, nearly unwillingly but it's not too much for her to ask at all. I just wasn't in the mood to think anymore Christmas. All I want to do right about now is bury myself in my apartment which just a few days ago was filled with folk. I am still thankful for all of my friends who came over to celebrate the holiday with me but there's still a loneliness that I know I'm one of many who are experiencing.

The holiday season is also suicide season. Which is one of those things we don't speak of. Shh. Much. I'm not anywhere near that low but I've struggled with the holidays for the last few years and right about now it's not getting any better. Fifteen degree weather isn't helping either.

I spent the remainder of my night cleaning more dishes left over from the party, most of them are taking a while because they have some soaking to do, and I did some reading. Finished up Vinegar Hill, which was excellent though mentally intense enough to make my life look like cartwheels. The ending surprised me but I don't want to ruin it for anyone who may choose to read it. I've since moved onto Freud's Interpretation of Dreams. Should make for some interesting reading, albeit a little "off" in the Freud only kind of way.

Vinegar Hill really dove into it's characters like no book I've ever read. Every few paragraphs you'd get deep into someone's thoughts and then they'd interact with the rest of the characters before jumping into the next character's memories and rituals. Where was James to sit? Why was Salome never married? Would Ellen have enough guts to walk away? Would Amy ever be happy again? Where are the two babies?

As the holidays approach, we have lots of family interaction... and when you think about it, some of it is sweet... some of it is sour... some of it stinks... and some of it smells of cake. And though it hurts, I guess I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't trade it for less than what I want so I guess I'll take it. I still feel like hiding from it and hope for better years in the future but I think this year I might look around at my own family's faces and wonder a bit more about what they're thinking. They've all had hurts and disappointments and joys which make them who they are just as much as me. And it'll always be that way so I mine as well soak it in.

Small Wall

Ok. Had a very special weekend. A good one. My first annual Christmas party. And it went well. Of course now I'm busy feeling stupid about something I did, though that'll pass in time. Grateful someone kept their head about them when I wasn't keeping mine.

And now I've hit a wall. Not a big wall, just a small one that will not take all that much overcoming. Just a few days of getting used to the new schedule and getting over how much I drank at the party. The aftereffects are still working in my system. As my doctor said "alcohol simply makes the medicine not work as well".

Ugh... boring post. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll have bounced back.

Doormatville

A few years ago, I had a definite "spine" moment. I watched something on the news, over and over and over again and wrote an editorial about it. I was direct and I was angry. The worst moment of a man's life was recorded by accident and shown live on-air at the time. What I disagreed with was the media showing the clip repeatedly. It wasn't necessary. The world could have found out what happened to those beautiful little boys in the trunk without seeing that horrific moment of "finding". So, I sat down and plugged away at my anger in a constructive way and then sent the editorial to every news outlet I could think of. It was published in the online edition of the local paper and I was proud. I also sent the editorial out via email to my friends and family. Getting a few responses, including one negative one. I took that on as well. If I'm going to put it out there I have to be willing to take the negatives as well as the positives without letting it rock me to the core.

My friend had a point but she missed the bigger picture. Yes, news is done on a demand and supply basis. But, that just points to a larger problem... and that is people, rubbernecking and train crash watching people. In short, most of us. Why would we demand the experience of seeing someone else's misery? It's just not cool of us at all.

That's not what this blog is about though...

This blog is about my spine. Or lack thereof, it seems. Both my therapist and I had a moment yesterday where we both acknowledged that we just can't figure out what the problem is, exactly. My beloved says his theory is that I haven't reached my potential in life (and he's right) so therefore my self worth is lagging behind. And in return I allow myself to be a doormat. Yes, my life has been rocky and finally seems to be in a place where I can make what I want of it. So... even though that's what I'm doing or trying to do, I keep falling back to this place of doormatville. It's an ugly little town with muddy streets and windows covered in old towels instead of curtains.

I'd like to start standing up for myself. Not that I need to go around yelling at everyone but I'd like to call it like I see it when I need to. But, a gear usually shifts inside and I shut up when it's most important. Then when it's not all that important I can tear something to shreds that doesn't deserve my time or energy. In other words, things that should have no real baring on my life seem to be of utmost importance. I get annoyed at things that shouldn't annoy me and I take offense to things I really don't care about. I ignore the flaws in some people when they need to be taken on because they hurt me and people who are simply acting foolish but aren't of critical issue to me take the passenger seat in my mind.

Where's the gap coming from? When did I get the message? Somewhere in childhood I know. I don't BLAME my parents but I see the reasons why I am this way in some of my rearing. Then I continued to reinforce it myself by finding other people who were important to me and letting them walk all over me. My parents are on a natural pedestal... the others were just lifted there by default. Coming along at the right time in the right way.

So... in conclusion... I recognize it. I need to get over. Grieve the losses and move on.

I mean, come on... if I could take on whomever in an editorial, knowing I was definitely going to piss someone, somewhere off with my name stapled right to the cover sheet then I certainely should be able to take on people I claim to love. After all, in many ways it's better for both of us.

Affirmations and An Affair

Been doing my workbook each night. Actually, yesterday I only had to do my morning pages, affirmations, and go on my "artist's date" with myself. So, I watched a movie I've long wanted to see... and own. An Affair To Remember.

The morning pages are tough for me to get out. And I'm nervous about having to do them when I get back to first shift. Which is on Monday. They take about a half hour to do and I spill out most of the drama that's going on in my head. Strangely, though, even though I hate doing them... I don't want to go without them now. And I cheat a bit. I stop at two and a half pages. I wonder if the "magic" only happens in the last half of the third page. Every few days I do actually make it that far.

Yes... I said affirmations. Embarrassing as it sounds, though none of them sound like Stuart Smalley. They seem to be helping me too so I don't care. The workbook I'm doing said they only sound stupid to people because they don't believe the kind of things you say to yourself, that you get the backtalk from yourself. I don't get much of that. But, I think the reason so many people would not be willing to do them is because they do sound... stupid... so I refuse to look in the mirror while doing it. I just run through them and that's that.

As for the movie last night. A few times through the course of it I had to remind myself to be present to the flick. Though I did have to fast forward through the second children's singing number... it was just sort of awful, to be honest. Especially being that the movie really isn't a musical. As for the rest of the movie, well done. Very well done. The writing, the acting, the chemistry, the story... all very well done. And the dresses the leading lady wears... gourgeous, just simply stunning. I'd recommend it to anyone who's up to enjoying the early days of the romantic comedy.

This book is opening me back up in a way I haven't been in years. It feels good, honestly. I can remember a bit more of who I was before. The kind of stuff I liked just for me. I have to do one of these artist dates a week. Though I think next week will probably have to occur on Sunday. I wonder what movie I'll watch since I'll be too broke to do much of anything else.

The Girl In the Blue Shirt

Over the weekend I went to a surprise party for a good friend of mine. She was surprised and I was too late to see it but she seemed thrilled and that's all I could ask for.

Meanwhile, another friend of hers was there. I hadn't seen this girl in several years and when I asked her how she was doing, I got the basic "alright". But, she wasn't alright. Not by a long shot. I could see it in her eyes and in her body language. I saw myself and how I behaved a few years ago now. Probably around the last time I had seen her. Her boyfriend was nowhere to be found and a little birdie mentioned that things were rocky between them. This is nothing new, from what I recall. When she said "alright", the look was haunting... almost as if she didn't recognize me. But, she did.

Sometimes it's scary when you see some of who you used to be in someone else's eyes. It wasn't that she didn't recognize me, she simply doesn't know who to be, she probably doesn't recognize herself. She's his and that's what she's used to being. If he's no longer in the picture, who does that make her? He's probably her connection to herself, how she relates to everyone else is who he expects her to be... real or imagined, I'm not sure. Conditioned on her own or by him, can't fully say though I have my guesses. Usually there's a mix of the two, it takes two to tango after all.

She stood alone in a room full of near strangers though they didn't have to be. But what was there to talk about with these people? When someone is not clear on themselves, it's nearly impossible to be clear with anyone else. The girl in the blue shirt needed a hug and I wanted to give it to her. Whether I'm right or wrong, either way... those eyes were sad.

Weltanschauung

Woman, daughter, sister, niece, friend, grandchild, aunt, youngest child, crazy, sane, bipolar (both medicated and unmedicated), highly sexual, obsessive, anxious, dreamer, Catholic Christian, liberal minded pro-life American, identify as Italian in decent, survivor of several broken hearts, a TSE, tortured for being different, been suicidal and survived it, briefly Gothish, battle with the bottle on occasion, long term girlfriend (a couple times), ignored voice, cheerleader, figure skater, softball player, moved often, kicked off the safety patrol, animal lover, meetup coordinator, smoker, ex-adult entertainer and waitress but overall, someone who fights for who she is and who she wants to be. This is much of where my weltanschauung comes from.

Leeway

I'm having one of those beat myself up days. I feel guilty for everything I said about someone last night, even if it was the truth. So why do I feel guilty? Because I was at one point told my feelings about a subject were wrong. That I wasn't thinking correctly about the subject at hand. And while I do find myself being a little crazy sometimes, a little obsessive, sometimes history seems to repeat itself. And similar problems keep cropping up, keep finding you (or me) until you confront them head-on.

I can't stand up for myself efficiently and I'm constantly unsure that I'm taking things the way I should. Because I know no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, I always give too much leeway in the way I am treated. I know everyone's wounded to some degree, all in different ways so it comes out in different ways so I never make anyone take real responsibility for their actions.

Yet - I am rather hard on myself when I mess up. I should have been more responsible last night, I shouldn't have used my credit card. I shouldn't have said something that I said. I should just be perfect and never make a mistake. I would like to just shake this stuff off and start again today, in the right now.

Dammit.

Tomorrow will be better.

Alone Time

The machinery keeps me company while I'm at work on the weekends. I like the quiet, just wish it was in the comfort of my own home. I need more recharge time. Somehow being in the office with little but youtube to do, just don't cut it. So, I'm going to be taking it. And in some ways it's going to be forced on me. Between being broke and the upcoming lack of overtime, I'll be spending plenty of time at home. Doing my thing... maybe even some writing. Hopefully some writing.

I started a "program" of sorts recently. A book that is supposed to guide me into my own creative path. Not sure if it's going to work but it's adding new things to my life, hopefully a kickstart will be in there somewhere. I have lots and lots of ideas, just not sure how to get them started, exactly.

The first thing that's added is my three pages a day. Each morning I'm supposed to write three pages of whatever is going through my head. Done it the last two days, I think it'll take just a bit more time than that to feel a difference. Basically, I think the idea is to clean out the psyche first thing in the morning so the rest of the day doesn't feel so daunting. And from the way the book explains it, good ideas will begin to flow. If I want to make my writing work for me I have to get more serious about it. For instance, I have to sit down and do it. Really do it.

Which means alone time. Which is fine with me.

Building Blocks

I want to fix my self esteem.

And, unfortunately, this is a process that will take time and stability. My biff recently told me she thinks that's what I need to work on. And my beloved told me he was proud of me when a guy who wanted to sleep with me "one more time" was turned down. Proud of me for doing the rational thing? Yikes... doesn't say too much about how even those closest to me perceive me. But, I'm not saying they're wrong.

It'll take time... and it'll take me continuing to make smart choices for myself.

I listened to a story this morning of how a young woman I know (that phrase makes me feel old but she is younger than I) is going to follow her boyfriend, not fiance to another city. And start life anew with him there. However, she wants the ring and she's going to leave everything she has here behind to be with him. While it may sound like a romantic notion... it's not as peachy keen as it appears. She's never told him she wants to get married and he's not a mind reader. He has asked about it, not popping the question but gauging where she's at and she has lied. She has told him what she thinks he wants to hear. This is not his fault, of course. But I can only think of one reason why she only tells him what he wants to hear. She's afraid she'll lose him. Instead, she going to sacrifice her own life, her own career here, her relationships with her close-knit family and go follow him. I don't know, though I wonder, if she wants anything more than him for herself. What does she want for her own life? Is there any way to mesh the two? These are questions, of course, to be answered between the two of them. It's not for me to say. She's a beautiful girl... I hope she knows that.

And so... I realize... while I have allowed myself to be mistreated by some... I have not always bowed down and done exactly what was asked of me. I did what I needed to do. This comes as a surprise to me, as I look back. There have been many, many things I have done for "love" that I am certainely not proud of and I have allowed myself to be a figurative punching bag for extended periods of time. The difference here is when it mattered most, I rebelled and I stood strong. I had to work a second job so I could comfortably pay my bills, even if two jobs killed me and I worked hard to make a dream come true... travel. I did not quit because it was asked of me. I was making the decision I had to make, the right one for me. And when it seemed apparent that someone out there was looking for an "open" relationship even though I was in love, I still loved myself more and said "no". Even if it meant losing him. And lose him I did, in both situations.

I'd still make the same choices today. And it is knowing that I made these decisions when "everything" was at stake that I'll remind myself, I have more strength in me than I realized.

Fat and Flesh

I had a dream, not just any dream... a nightmare. Yeah, you probably thought I was going to break into some MLK type thing but alas... I'll tell you about the nightmare I had earlier this week which is what made me call first, my beloved. And second, my doctor.

Anxiety was overriding everything, including my drug induced nightly rest but this nightmare was the thing that pushed me over the edge.

I went to bed the other night thinking I may not make it through the night. My mom said recently that my 81 year old grandfather told her he's ready to go. He's still up and about, keeping busy but he's pretty tired of this life thing as only old people could be. Even those of us who've had bouts with suicidal behavior couldn't understand this idea. It's not that they're suicidal, or at least not most of them... they're just ready for whatever is next... a rest, you could say. After my mom expressed sadness about the sentiment she commented how it must be frightening to really not know whether you're going to make it through the day, each day. The other night when I was getting ready to lay down - I geniunely thought I might not make it through the night. It was scary... and I considered writing a note but I just didn't have it in me.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

Sometime, while it was still dark out I had a dream that I was laying in my bed, in my apartment, wide awake. Scared - in the dream - that someone was just outside my bedroom door, that someone or something was stalking me from inside. They could see me. I couldn't see them. So, I stared... not sure what to do at the ceiling. In the dream it was not dark out, probably early evening. I was watching the cracks in my ceiling's paint. (Mind you, in real life, there are no cracks in the ceiling's paint.) Then I heard a loud noise, a noise or movement loud enough to shake my apartment building. Whatever it was that I feared was now inside the apartment, definitely. I still saw no one but when I continued to stare at the cracks in the ceiling, suddenly they were larger with stuff leaking through... bubbling and thick... flesh and fat together, getting ready to break through. I sat up, trying to scream out... but all I could make was a grunt. My lips were sealed shut and I couldn't see out of my right eye. Something was blocking it. Then something moved outside of my bedroom door, I went to run at it... trying to knock whatever was blocking my eye out of the way. I had gone blind in my right eye. There was nothing to knock out of the way. And something was in my place... and I couldn't scream. I was trapped.

And I woke up.

Making Amends

Well, I sent out a text last night. To someone who used to be a close friend. I apologized for the way our friendship ended. Not so much for having stood up for myself as for the way I know she was hurt. I didn't give her good explanation, I didn't talk to her about it. I just didn't talk to her anymore. We had been very close for several years. Granted, she was always a bit on the goofy side but I never did feel right about the way it went down. So, I said sorry.

And she seems to have accepted the text. She wants to get together when she's back in town mid-month. But, that won't be until the weekend of my party. I don't feel comfortable inviting her to the party so maybe drinks the night before. I don't know that it's a friendship that can be fixed but it would be great to talk it out.

Where did the text come from? Why last night?

I was going over stuff in my head, as I seem to do often enough. And I have been angry and frustrated and hurt and tired of the crappiness that is in this world. I have hurt a few people and I started thinking about how I feel the need to make amends. How I would like a few heartfelt apologies in my life. People who have hurt me. But, who do I owe those same apologies to?

I have only ever cut a couple people out of my life. The first was a drug addict friend. I loved her very much. But, once she stole my rent money from me I just couldn't keep her in my life. In my goodbye letter to her I did tell her I loved her and that if she ever needed anything to please contact me. However, it couldn't have anything to do with her drug habit... I specifically said if her mother's illness progressed and things of that nature. I still look for her name in the obituaries from time to time. Another was a friend whom I never would have cut out if it hadn't been for the way she became when she got married. That is, not herself anymore. She allowed her husband to berate me about how I had "hidden sin" in my life. I felt ganged up on and attacked and she just sat by and wouldn't say a word. Attacking me with a Bible doesn't make it any less intrusive. I did, however, send her and her family a Christmas card last year as a peace offering. I loved her too. Another person I hurt, he and I made up years ago. A three hour talk at a bar did us good. Getting down to specifics, not just a blanket "sorry about everything" helped me clear the air. It's best if when you give an apology, you know what you're apologizing for. If you don't understand why someone is hurt, ask them. I hope he's doing well in Iraq right now. And I hope the bravado he displayed last time I saw him was just that - and nothing more. The last of the folk that I know I directly hurt is this girl. And luckily I have a way to get in touch with her.

There have been other people. I know there have. I've dated some guys or wouldn't date some guys and I know they were not happy about the way it turned out. But, the one consolation there is that I have always tried my best to be honest with them. And I try my best to never lead anyone on.

Loss of Ground

Ahh... yes... who was that whom didn't stand their ground after all? That would be me. Yup, me. But, at least one good thing came out of it. I heard a few words I needed to hear so that I could move on.

"The way I treat you... so bad."

"You know you do?"

"Yeah..." Then following it up with statements that make it clear he has no intention of changing that fact. Suddenly, he doesn't look as beautiful in my eyes anymore. He's kind of really shitty at this being human thing after all. He may be able to have a good time (or so it seems) and he may be comfortable in his job and in other ways... but at this being fully human thing, he fucking sucks.

My meds have also been causing me some problems lately. I haven't been sleeping well. Anxiety is getting the best of me. I'm only 29 years old... I shouldn't go to bed thinking that I won't make it through the night. I mean, granted, there's always the possibility. But, it's actually quite slim. My doc upped my dosage again. Hopefully that'll work.

Standing My Ground

I'm standing here. Fists tight. The sun is shining down on me but it's cold out. I have spoken. And now I will just stand here. The shadows the sun creates on the pavement have an ominous feel. She's no longer who she was... that person is fading.

My eyes are wide open, I'm staring straight ahead. This road has been rocky by nature... as is life. Rarely goes how you see it in your fantasies because to get to the fantasy you have to eat the apple and fall asleep. For years. You can't just be without having become that which you did not want to be. Suffering is not romantic, it's ugly. Even Romeo and Juliet chose to end their suffering quickly.

The ground will probably shake again and I will run to the doorway I've now opened for shelter. Letting things crash around me, not without care but without trying to figure out how to keep the plates on the shelf before even knowing the earthquake was on it's way.

I will continue holding my little place here. Because this little place is all any of us have. Our own little worlds, shaken not stirred for me, please. Settled but never complete until we're asked to say goodnight.

Lump

The boredom is amazing. My mood is actually very stable right now but here I am thinking about depressing things. And I have come to a conclusion I've come to time and time again.

And now I've done it. Told the boy I've been in love with that it's over. That my feelings for him are too strong for me to be his booty call.

This lump in my throat hurts. Just twenty minutes and I'll be out of work... I can start crying then.

Ahh... Yoga

Did some yoga today. Ahh... what a feeling. By the time it was over and I plopped down to rest for a moment, I felt like myself again. I haven't felt like myself in a little while but I do right now. My mind is clear and life is looking a little better. A little brighter. But not too bright... not manic bright. I have to keep working out on my daily routine. I want my body back. Hasn't looked really that good since I was about 22/23. Went through an exercise maniac phase at that point. While I don't see myself spending THAT much time working out again, I plan to get at least a little working out in each day.

Cardio, yoga, and 8 minute abs. I may not even have to join a gym again. We'll see. I do want to invest in a few more DVDs so I don't get bored with the routines.

Tomorrow... I think it'll be 8 minute abs and some cardio. Just not sure what I'm going to do... maybe just a walk around the park near my place. Maybe twice around the park, actually. Fuck the cold.

Did my pampering stuff and then read a few chapters of the book I'm into at the moment. Vinegar Hill. Good book so far. About halfway through, I think.

Pamper

I think my brain is broken right now. I'm not sure if it's because my sleep schedule is all messed up but I do think that has something to do with it. Anything and everything feels like just a bit too much for me right now. I feel like a ton of people are demanding too much of me. Though that simply isn't the case, I'm too demanding on myself. I want to have my shit back together - instantly. But, I don't. It's one step at a time in the real world and I have to get used to that.

First on my list of priorities... me. Pampering myself would be worth it right about now and tonight that's what I plan to do. I have my little list of beauty treatments I like to do weekly and I haven't had a chance to do them completely in the last two weeks. They make me feel better both physically and mentally. Next thing I have to get a jump on... exercising. I want to get back to a gym soon. But, I just can't afford to put out anything extra for a while. So, I'll make do with my mom's treadmill, my bike, my own two legs for walking, and my friend's elliptical which she said is just collecting dust. She got it and then got pregnant.

I have an appointment in January to go up to NYC to get my hair done at Ouida. They specialize in curly hair. Can't wait to get myself a style. I'm sick of the look I've been carrying around forever. Except, of course, that interlude of horrible boy cut. Biggest mistake I ever made with my hair. The only thing I could imagine beating it would be going blonde. But, I'll never make that mistake so nothing much to worry about there. The biggest mistake has been made already.

Hopefully this jittery feeling I'm feeling will go away. I'm afraid I made a fool of myself at the meeting I went to this afternoon. I felt that rush of anger buzz through me during it, I hope no one else could see it. It's so embarrassing when that happens. Granted, sometimes I'm the only one affected by it but who knows what people may notice.

Falling Out of Bed

My tummy's been in knots all day. Not bad knots, good knots. Nothing has changed but I have. I'm showing my spots now and I like it. I can laugh at myself when I do something stupid, like falling off my bed... and even though I'm embarrassed, it's an "oh well, I'm human" feeling that prevails.

Had a bunch of my girls over last night for dinner. Laughing was nearly non-stop and I really began to feel myself just being simply me, not trying for anything in particular. At some point I told a good old friend of mine that since the twenties are almost over, it's kind of nice because I'm back to being me... the girl I was when I first met her. I'm not trying to be anything in particular and I've got my heart back. Just slightly wiser and able to see different sides to the same coin.

I love those girls. And I look forward to more nights with them in the months and years to come. Maybe one day, too... the neighbor will be more of an actual fixture not just a pleasant surprise who shows up at the end of the evening. Cute as could be though... could have been happier with him in the light of my teeny, tiny Christmas tree.

SweeTart

I spend alot of time alone. For those who know me, it's mostly at work... which is fine with me. Even if, at times, I get jittery inside about what to do with myself for 16 hours. I'll walk a while away to get a cigarette in once in a while and I'll debate ordering food. I'll think about how I want to start working out again and how I'd like to start eating healthy. Or, rather, healthier. And maybe these things are on the way.

And maybe I do need to start placing more boundaries on myself so that I can keep the pace and stick to the me time as just that - me time. Because I do know that sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone else. I just want to be left alone for a while. But, then I love the people in my life so when I do answer that call, I'm happy to hear their voices.

Last night we celebrated my brother's birthday and I spent another chill Friday night with awesome folk. I guess one could say I'm tired of partying and I'm tired of drinking. Not that I never want to drink again - I wouldn't go that far. And not that I'm not ever going to have a night out again. But both my body and soul are ready for a real rest. I couldn't have been happier just having a chill night with family and friends.

I am starting to make my voice loud and clear. Very clear. I'm not going to be that girl who answers a 3 o'clock in the morning phone call. Even if I did actually happen to wake up... and I saw his beautiful name grace my screen. I want to be a grown-up and just go back to sleep. I'd love him if he'd let me. And I wish he would understand that I am in my last year of the grand twenties, which have been generally pretty awful despite a few good nights out and some great memories mingling in the crowded bit of my brain. I am not the girl he thinks I am - I think that he thinks I am. I've got a bunch to me that he's never seen. I prefer laughing really hard because I had to go to two grocery stores to find Farina for my beloved more than playing beer pong.

I have done my fair share of partying and I am no longer interested in vomiting when I should be getting it on. I'd like to remember every detail and be able to clearly read what's going on. I don't want to have to wonder if I did anything stupid or anything gross. I just want to be and be able to call 'em like I see 'em.

Manipulation ends when you start letting go of the results of your actions.

Plans To Fix It All Up

Well, I'm settling into my new schedule a bit. Took a few days for me to be ok with it, but I'll deal. I'm not going to go as far as to say I like it but I'll survive. I think once I see the money I'm saving by not going out as much and the little extra I'll be making, I'll be somewhat relieved.

And finally I figured out what to do with myself other than going out. I have an apartment to fix up, a self to fix up, and writing to be done. Here I was wondering what good could come of this... seems there's plenty to be paid attention to. I've been dressing a bit sloppy the last few days. Not so happy with myself about this but whatcha gonna do? Depression will do that.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. And I'll be spending half my day being thankful that I have a job. Get done mid-afternoon and then enjoy family time. Looking forward to it.

Sober

-Pink
(I know this song is about feeling good sober. While I'm not exactly feeling good these days, much of these lyrics suit me just fine.)

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have hurt myself, cried,
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

Moving In

I can't really think of anything to write. Feeling pretty shitty at the moment. I know there are plenty of people who have it worse off than me but knowing that isn't helping.

Maybe one day things will get consistently better. Not just better for a couple weeks and then crappy again. I know everyone has problems and problems are a part of life. But, with the way things are looking for me at the moment, my problems look like they're moving in for quite a while.

Cheerleader

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it - From Never Too Late by Three Days Grace

Several things occurred this past week that got under my skin and reminded me how so many people are only out for themselves. I should say, are out for protecting themselves. They want to make sure they don't get hurt, they're not vulnerable, they don't look bad, and they are safe from any negative consequence whatsoever.

Last night, the gas station was just the icing on the cake. The recovered drug addict looking gas attendant whom I've always been friendly with turned on me quick as could be when he made a mistake. After the ten dollars had passed that I asked for, I jumped out of my car. Even then trying to be polite. "Excuse me! Excuse me! I only asked for ten!". His response was sudden "I heard fill." I corrected him and told him I had no way to pay for the extra. Then his excuse became that because the gas station is near a highway I need to speak up. Which one was it? He either heard me or he didn't. And this is how I knew it was definitely his mistake. Long story short, the cops were called, my mom brought me some money, and we paid up. I was angry. Not so much because of the mistake but because of his lack of apology. The only jab I got in was when I called him a douchebag. Not my finest moment but still, I felt the need to say it.

Throughout the week, I'd been in a few situations... none of which resulted in an apology though I should have received one. And this is where my real problem lies.

I am tired. Really, really tired of the fact that people simply walk around mistreating people. It's a simple problem with very complex reasons behind the problem. Those complex problems are people and relationships. We all get hurt. We all don't want to get hurt. And most of us do try to protect ourselves at every possible turn from getting hurt. But, what if we stopped putting up our defenses immediately? "I heard fill... YOU have to speak up". How about we say "I must have misheard you... how can we work this out?". And, maybe, it wasn't that simple. Maybe dude was doing something wrong and I called him out on it. Still trying to believe better of people, I will not jump to that conclusion. Though I know people get scammed all the time. I've been scammed before, I'm sure. But I refuse to give up on these folks who are made of the same material I am.

Call me a cheerleader, if you want. Call me naive. Call me principled to a fault.

But, I am none of these things. I am the opposite. I'm just not scared of being myself. And as myself, it is very important to me that I live by two rules... Be the change you want to see in the world, as Ghandi put it and Do unto others as Christ put it. I am not always perfect here... but I do try pretty freaking hard to do the right thing, most of the time. And I will not be walked all over, I will make my voice heard... as I've been nearly consistent with lately (except that one person whom I keep giving a free pass to... hmm...).

These are the two most important values I have. And I will continue to live by them, even when it comes back to bite me. In this way, when people disappoint me, as they will on occasion, it only makes me stronger because it won't break me. I refuse to let it. And I will accept that it is only their own brokenness that makes them lash out in my direction.

The Goodbye Game

As I sit here exchanging pleasantries with my office's usual cleaner, I chuckle internally about how she'll never let anyone have the last word. Someone else pointed it out to me a while back... now I sometimes find myself playing a game. How many different ways can you say goodbye and give well wishes? There are plenty of ways... trust me... I've even played the game while walking into a bathroom stall and starting to take care of business.

"You have a good day."
"You too."
"Thank you."
"No, thank you."
"Bye-bye".
"Bye."
"Have a good one."
"Same to you."

And on it goes...

Last night was a piece of work. We get to the bowling alley to find out there are no open lanes because of it being one of four league nights a week. So, we made our way to the attached bar and ended up having a blast while not bowling. Throwing darts and having just a few beers and shooting some pool. It was a good time had by all. And for once, I'm really pretty sure al1 13 of us did actually have a good time. Lots of laughing.

Apparently, if you try to shoot darts while standing on one foot, the darts will no longer aim at the board, they'll find their way to the wall and then tumble down to the ground.

Last night was a very, very relaxed night. With nothing itching my brain for attention other than what was going on at the moment made me aware of one thing. One very important thing... how living in the moment is awesome. To stop trying to figure out the games we play or stop trying to figure out why so and so did this, or did that. I have gotten pretty decent at reading people at this point. Not perfect, but decent. Sometimes they're just trying too hard to be liked and they turn into douches. Simple as that. Sometimes it's way more complicated but everyone's vulnerable ultimately so the easiest road to take is just being open and honest with most people, most of the time. Kind of makes the stress of everything else melt into the background. And that, my friends, is when you can start really living in the moment more often than not.

Christening

Watched a guy get out of his car to flip out this morning at another driver. I couldn't believe it. I mean, dude, it's freaking cold out... why would you get out of your car when you could just yell in your own car? But, seriously, why start the morning this way? Get over whatever dude did. It's simply not worth the aggravation. Everyone makes mistakes on the road, it's just part of sharing it.

Now... let's talk about other stuff.

One of my closest friends came over on Monday night and in the process of hanging out she honored me by asking if I'd like to be her son's Godmother. I couldn't even tell you how choked up I got. Not really close enough to actually cry but damn knot in the throat! It kind of helped bring me completely out of the funk I was finally starting to shake.

To be asked by a friend is different than being asked by a family member. As my old supervisor commented, it's more an obligation when it's a family member, but with a friend it's an actual honor. I was very, very touched by the gesture. And I offered to buy the outfit but she asked me to simply get him a Bible. Said the buying the outfit thing was outdated. Either way, I'm still thrilled. Woo-hoo!

Can't wait to be there for the Christening day... just have to get my papers in order with the church first.

Waking Up To It

Feeling kind of haunted at the moment. Depression is pretty well set in. Gotta stop drinking, gotta get my money in order, gotta cut back on going out so much and I think I want to give up on dating for a while. Just take some time for myself, without worrying about anything else.

I can't drink much anymore. Which is fine, it'll save me money and save me from both the physical and emotional toll it's taking on me. I don't know how this happened but I've developed a problem. It's not as bad as it was before the ER visit but still... it's not good. Hopefully I'll lose the weight again too.

As for my money, it's not in absolutely horrible shape but it's not pretty either. I freak out every time I realize I'm not going to get OT over the course of some weekends when it wasn't voluntarily. Honestly, there are several things I need to pay for that I just don't know where the money is going to come from.

Going out so much... both of the above issues can be addressed more constructively when I address this one. The truth is, I'm tired and a bit worn down. I am very blessed to have the social life I do (very busy) but I could use a bit of a break. I think working second shift sometimes will help me all the way around.

As for dating... it's all just kind of getting to me. I was visited over the weekend by someone that everyone tells me I should stay away from. And they're right. But, it was awesome waking up next to him on Sunday morning. It felt really, really good. It was a vibe I haven't felt in years. And I hadn't realized how much I've missed that. Not that he and I hadn't woken up in the same bed before but now I don't have to slink back across the street to my parents house or lie about where I am.

Still doing speed dating later this week. I guess I just don't know anymore.

Damn depression, kind of makes everything feel icky even when it's not all so terribly bad.

A Second Bottle

Date last night went great. Looks like I have a new cutie on my hands. We'll see though, I'm not counting on anything after just one good night. Plus, two bottles of wine on a nearly empty stomach may have contributed to it being such a good time. However, I do believe it was the other way around... we were drinking because we were having a good time.

My Supervisor's Bowels

So... lately I've been wondering and struggling a bit.

Between watching those youtube videos which claim that psychiatry and particularly bipolar disorder aren't real... and hating going to my parents house due to a certain someone living across the street... and pondering my past trying to root out the reasons for my disconnected sense of self... and then last night getting disturbed for the first time by the movie Psycho... I just don't know anymore.

These problems are just normal day to day problems. Nothing that will cause tremendous amounts of trouble, just stuff I have to work through. And work through it I will.

When it comes to the videos I watched online, I don't rationally believe them. I'm not sure what the angle is that each of the different people who made them is coming from. I'm sure some of them believe it... and I'm sure some of them are just trying to understand their own experiences in life. And I'm sure some of them are just assholes. I know that I have it. Look at all the damage and I fit nearly predictable patterns and symptoms of the bipolar makeup. I also know that I love my medication and what it does for me. Basically, it keeps my mind quiet and clear. What I think bothered me about them is merely the fact that I don't trust my own judgement enough... something that comes with the disconnect between my rational side and my emotional side. "What if they are right?" is the kind of question that I need to ask myself honestly. And they're not. At least not for me... maybe for something they've been through but not for me.
Feels good to finally take my place in my own brain.

Struggling with the fact that I haven't heard from the neighbor... I do miss him though it's getting better each day. Problem there is that the overall experience with him left me convinced that men whom I am attracted to have no souls. Ok... maybe that's a bit extreme... but they do seem to have a lack of emotion... a lack of judgment between right and wrong. What's ok and what isn't in how you treat people. And it has made me question whether or not they actually have feelings or are they rocks inside? Just nothing going on in there. Trying to connect there too... it'll just take some time. And some serious innerwork.

As for Psycho... it was the first time I have felt disturbed by it. And it was the very, very end that got to me. The part where Norman's mother is speaking at the police station. The look in Norman's eyes is just awful... absolutely scary. I think all the psycho-babble stuff at the end is what got under my skin. Not very believable, I'm afraid but still... made me start thinking about myself again. And how maybe I'm just "not right". Maybe that's why I get used by the men in my life. Maybe it IS me. But, maybe it's not just me... maybe they could decide to stand up and be men... decide to face what's going on with a conscience. To act like I'm a person, just like them.

But... that's where my own fault comes in. I will admit where I'm in the wrong. It's called standing up for myself... still have to learn how to do and when to be able to decide that I'm truly not being treated right. And that will help me to build the confidence back that I need to be able to do the eye contact thing. It's all tied together.

One thing I can say for certain though... because just a few moments ago we got regailed with the tale of my supervisor's run in the NYC marathon... I do not need to know when my co-workers can feel their bowels moving. Particularly my male boss.

SF Jane Is A Liar, I Do Believe

I just don't have much to say today... my weekend was a bit on the slow side but I did get to see my niece and nephew so, it was still worth quite a bit of something.

Watched a couple youtube videos this weekend... on people who don't believe that bipolar disorder is real. One woman calls it bullshit then says she healed herself of it. How can you heal yourself of something that doesn't exist in the first place? Hmm... so I went to post a comment and all the comments have to filter through her... she only posts them if she likes them. When she wrote back to me she simply said my comment wasn't intelligent enough to be posted... but didn't answer my question. Guess I called her bluff.

Those videos did sort of screw me up a bit. They scared me. For multiple reasons but one of them being that the woman claimed that meditation was the answer. Ever try to meditate while having racing thoughts? I did. It didn't work, talk about impossible. You'd have more luck squeezing an elephant through a keyhole.

After getting past my own freak out I started to worry... what if the wrong person watches that video? And decides to go off their medication and then... well... a number of really bad consequences could come of it. Worst of all being, of course, suicide.

Irresponsibility in the form of pseudo-intelligence without being able to answer a simple question from a critic. That's all I got out of that video.

I Heart Donnie

I... love... them. As my voice eeks this sound out, I am thinking of the one, the only, the New Kids on the Block. Sigh... went to their concert on Wednesday night. And I was reminded of the kinds of crushes you have when you're 12 or 13. That you're going to somehow meet and marry that in particular famous person... hey... it came true for Katie Holmes. Nevermind that she's looking pretty unhappy and actually kind of frumpy these days. (I guess I just thought she looked better before cutting her hair and being married to Tom Cruise. A more mature look is good... as you get older... but hers just doesn't look right somehow...)

Honestly, the other night was one of the best nights out I have ever had. It was magical. And I got to share it with biff and a friend of hers. I really am still on cloud nine about it. I am completely surprised by my own feelings on this. I had pretty much forgotten all about NKOTB. They just rarely crossed my mind anymore. But now I've got a crush on Donnie again... though I don't imagine I'll be putting any posters up anytime soon.

When we first got there I wondered if they felt stupid. Singing all these songs from 15/20 years ago that reflected their own childishness. But - then - when they sang three songs up close and personal to us, I got to see their faces. They were having fun. Not taking themselves too seriously. And it was good because the women around me were also having a good time. Though I think they felt reaching out to them was an uncontrollable urge. That happened to me once with Scott Weiland. It's a weird, overwhelming feeling that goes through you when you do that.

So, why did this concert mean so much to me?

In the past week or so I have watched dream after dream come true. Between the ball players, the president-elect, and 5 boys from Boston... suddenly it dawns on me. You can reach a pinnacle and dreams are worth chasing. You may never reach them. Look at McCain... but you can still go for it. You can live your life for something larger, if that's your wish. It may bring some heartache but it will still be worth it to try because the ups and the downs of trying are what make you who you are as well as what you will become.

Changes

And although it seems heaven sent We ain't ready, to see a black President - Tupac Shakur

Ten years ago, this line was released in Tupac's song "Changes". Well, people, we've made it. Now, I'm not African-American but I'm still proud of this country's response. I'm proud of the fact that just one generation away from the civil rights movement, the changes necessary have come. Sure, there will always be stupid people out there but overall... it's all good.

Good job, America. I didn't vote for him and I didn't vote for McCain either. My conscience wouldn't let me vote for either. For various reasons but none of it had to do with race. I'm proud to be alive right now. I believe in equality of all people and that's one of the things the America I love stands for. It's the reason my favorite president remains Abraham Lincoln. While we still have a long way to go before equality is fully recognized and plenty more hurdles to overcome, this is one huge step.

And I respect who President elect Obama seems to be. I respect him for many reasons and DAMN! that was a good speech last night.

So Much For Ron Paul

Ugh... the election. I'm still not sure who I'm going to vote for and I only have two hours left to decide. It's not as though I haven't thought about it. I have. But, neither candidate actually represents my values. Sure, they both have some... but neither is strong enough for me to endorse.

I will say this one last time... I miss Ron Paul.

This War

I decided to take it slow with this one. And he seems to have decided the same thing. Not that he hasn't spent some time over my place but we've been keeping our distance... going out once in a while, getting to know each other little by little. I had decided he probably wouldn't be "the one" for me. That was mostly a defense mechanism so I didn't find myself getting attached. Then yesterday came the news. He definitely won't be the one for me. He's being shipped overseas in December. I did cry a little when I was asked how I felt about it. I'm upset. Not just because I like him but partially because I was doing this right. Handling myself right and now there's no shot of anything more developing. I'll enjoy our next month together. And I'll treat him as well as I can without going overboard. I did know there was a threat of this but I guess I didn't count on the threat being real. I'm confident he'll come back safe but - of course - I'm also scared he won't.

My dream last night showed my disappointment. First inside my parents house, having to face someone who wasn't her but represented her. Then I ran out the front door and there was the neighbor and his roommates sitting on the porch. So, I booked down the street (running, unfortunately, like Kevin Bacon's character in Murder in the First when he murders the other inmate). I went past my car... didn't even consider getting in. Around the corner... there was a group of kids across the street, once they went by... I stopped. Slid down to the ground, curling up and crying with my back to a fence. I waited for the dog behind the fence to sniff me. But, he never came. The weird part was the music... Sarah MacLachlan but it wasn't a song I recognized. Then I woke up. Within that dream were just about all my major disappointments in life, represented in one fashion or another. Strange how the mind works.

Shaping

Back - from a quickie two day work reprieve to celebrate the Phillies win! It was 28 years in the making and the after party was unbelievable. Still - I'm glad it's over in a way. Looking forward to getting back to my regular life. Getting back to taking care of myself.

My apartment is wonderful. I'm loving it. Still a bunch of work to do and some stuff to buy but I am starting to feel like home either way. After the parade last night and then Gram's birthday dinner, I went home and crawled into bed. My new bed... loving every second of it and falling asleep faster than I have in quite some time. For once I don't even think I would have needed my meds. Sleeping was bliss. Waking up this morning, not so much. But, there was no hangover... didn't actually drink all that much in the last couple days, celebration or not.

Tonight I'm stuck on the job. Don't really mind. It'll feel good to go home, watch a movie I rented, and then go to sleep. Went ahead and rented The Bucket List. (Is it one word or two?). I started my own, though it's still got some shaping to do.

Just like nearly everything in my life at this point.

The Happening Redone

Have you seen The Happening? It shook me up when biff and I went to see it in the theater. It's a whole lotta suicide up in that film.

So, last night, after finally cleaning the green off my fingers and arms and countertop and sweatshirt (there was a small accident with green paint last night) I went to bed. And dream I did. Not so pleasant. I mean, it scared the crap out of me. But, looking back at it now it wasn't so scary, it was just strange.

There's something in the air. And it's turning people to zombie-like creatures as they are in The Happening. In other words, suicidal non-people. Only I don't get affected. I just look around and get frightened by the evil that's going on. Still... I wander around thinking they're going to kill me. But, they have no interest in that, they want to just kill themselves. That makes me want to kill myself. I don't want to be left all alone after witnessing this horror. For a moment I think I feel something and I'm turning into one of them. So, I wander with them and try to find some creative way of doing myself in. Then I realize it's just like the time I took herbal x and didn't feel anything besides what I wanted to feel. Could have just been the lithium I was feeling. Anyway, in the dream I realize I'm not feeling anything.

But, again, I don't want to live through this. So I make one lame ass attempt (almost as lame as using a tractor like in the movie - that one was kind of silly looking) of swinging a metal edged window scraper toward my throat figuring it would cut the jugular. No go. It just sort of bounced back. I couldn't do it. The only thing I could do is pretend for a while. That I was one of them. And hope to get caught by their own suicide. Maybe if I stand close enough to one...

Towards the end I did come across a few others that weren't feeling the zombiness either. Then I woke up.

Moral of the story: (as my co-worker came up with) In a society of suicidal self mutilating zombies, you just want to fit in.

Decisions, Decisions

I have made a few decisions in the last day. I needed to give myself some relief so... I quitting school this semester. I will be talking to management about the fact that I needed to give something up, so that's what had to go. I just can't manage an unbelievably crappy work schedule, school, and my medication/sleep needs. Really, work should be working with me but that schedule is not really working with me. I'll speak to my manager soon to see what can be done for next semester. Hopefully I'll be able to go back. If not, I will start looking for a new job, probably outside of the company starting in 2009.

And that's that. (Wipes hands clean... for the moment.)

Tonight I will write my bucket list. I mean, I'm staying in since the weather is horrible and the Phillies aren't finishing the game tonight. I have no interest in leaving my apartment once I get home, I think the only thing I have to do is get gas. Just so I can get all the way home.

Tonight is going to be awesome.

Bucket List

Just call me a whiner. That's fine. But, I've got a laundry list of stuff bothering me right now and I have no idea when or even how to fix some of it.

The first thing I need to fix: my schedule. My meds and sleep schedule. That'll help me with putting other things into perspective. However, I feel like I have to wait until I find out what's up with the Phillies first. Not that I'm complaining about the Phillies being in the World Series... that's awesome. What I'm complaining about more is the lack of flexibility of my job. Normally I don't think it would bother me so much except that I am lacking both sleep and my appropriate dosage of medication. Plus, I've been drinking too much lately as well. So, I won't drink tonight. There's an easy fix for that. And the whole schedule change thing that's coming up.

So... I just have alot on my mind. Not too much that's all that exciting. But all very real issues. I'm going to write a bucket list, I think. And as one of my friends suggested, that should include watching the movie Bucket List. He said it's a good one.

I have a majillion things I want to do in my life and right now I feel like I'm at a standstill. But, I guess I'm not really. I did get my own place recently. That's something pretty big.

Big Girls Don't Cry

Therapy yesterday was enlightening, even if I already knew the answers to the questions posed to me. Except one question... still haven't figured that one out. When did I get the message that my feelings don't matter? That they are wrong no matter what? Everytime I feel something negative, I feel guilty later for it. Or it doesn't last long enough (happiness) for me to even enjoy it. And another question for myself... that did not come up in therapy but has since come up in my afterthoughts... why do I keep getting rejected or continue to get involved with people who just simply don't care how I feel?

Everyone gets rejected from time to time. I realize this. And we're all going to meet some shitty people from time to time. We're all going to get hurt at some point. I know I am not alone in this. However, I am really, truly becoming disillusioned with other people. And I know I don't always treat people right. Usually it ends up being because I don't want to hurt them so I let things drag on longer than they should. Whether it be as friends or as something more. Still, I usually end up taking the high road and confronting the issues head on at some point. I don't just disappear and ignore people. Because I hate when that's done to me.

For me, the bigger question is a complex one. I'm stuck in a trap of sorts. My brain being the one holding me captive. Why do I keep attracting generally shitty people into my life and when I realize they're hurting me I don't just walk away? I have several awesome people in my life, I really do. And I am thankful for them. But, I guess most of this has to do with romantic involvement. My first boyfriend decided my best friend was the person he should cheat with. And she decided it was fine with her. I did confront her as soon as I found out and she had no apologies to offer me. I never did receive an apology for that from her and now she's dead. Not that it hurts anymore... it really doesn't and I do think it's sad she passed away so young. But, that relationship (the friendship) was my one outlet during a terrible time in my life. The environment that first very intense friendship created has become a staple for me. The faces have changed over the years but the pattern has remained the same. I am currently in some very, very healthy friendships with some of the most amazing human beings I believe anyone could have the pleasure of knowing. I guess my prayers were answered afterall. During my six year prison term, I pleaded for some relief. From not only God (and once I basically offered to hand my soul over to the devil, if he would help - maybe he was just faster in responding) but also from my parents and from school officials. I was ignored at the time or made to sound like a liar when my mom was called into the school. I didn't make it up... those years were torture for me.

I don't want to be a whiner and blame everything on my parents. But, I can think of a six year period where I simply didn't matter. I mean, I was clothed and fed and they thought they were doing what was best for me. My parents always, always loved me, I don't doubt that for a minute. But, I spent so much time alone... disconnected... sad... desperate for the complete person in me to matter. In other words, my feelings. I became a freak in those years. Which led me down some strange roads when I turned 18. I made more mistakes in the past ten years than I can count but I guess it's finally time for me to start over.

But I almost don't know where to begin. I want myself to be healthy and I want to know I have the right to not be mistreated. Many of the places I have turned (except in my therapist's office, spiritual direction, and the confessionals at St. John Neumann's) in years past for someone to help me, to care about me as a whole person have been ignored. I want to know that I have a right to my feelings. Good and bad. I want to be able to bridge my logical side with my emotional side in a healthy balance. At this point, my logical side has taken over. My emotional side is completely crippled.

I want to be able to think highly enough of myself that I know eye contact with a stranger won't make them cringe. I don't want to be ignored anymore.

Looks as though I'm answering some of my questions, huh?

Angie

I don't even know her but I made a joke about using her name as my next blog's title. You want to avoid biff then I shall have to mention you in my blog. Don't even actually know if she was avoiding or what. And I rarely mention a name so...

Anyway, well, the steam has finally stopped coming out of my ears over the work schedule thing. I'm still not thrilled but I'll have to make do. Maybe the variety will be good for me. Maybe it will be bad. I am concerned about how it may impact my sleep patterns and mood swings but only time will tell with that. Sorry if bitchy me starts showing up more often, ya'll.

However, a couple people have told me they like angry me more. I kind of think I might too. I seem to get bit in the ass by my sense of morality. Understanding and knowing there are two sides to every story and being understanding about that has left me with the short end of the stick on several occasions now. That does not please me at all. Obviously.

Maybe I should start to be like Beyonce and take on an alter-ego to protect myself while on stage... Sasha Fierce is hers... what shall mine be?

There Goes My Actual Life

And I am pissed off.

Right now I've got one major thing going for me. That I have my own place again. It's a big thing. My job - eh. In 2010 my health benefits are going to turn into crap. But, at least they work around my school and medication schedule so I couldn't be more thankful. Until today. When I've suddenly been informed that I'm going to have to work a messed up weird ass schedule. Forced to because one co-worker whined about being left alone for a few hours two nights a week. On second shift... which is nowhere near as busy as first.

So, here it is:

Every other month I will be working Mondays from 1pm - 9:30. This is so I can get home, take my meds, and get in bed at a decent hour so I can be back at work on Tuesday at 7:30am. Then I can go straight to school, go home, get to bed at a decent hour so I can be back in at 7:30am. On Thursdays and Fridays of that month, though, I will be on second shift - coming in at 3pm. Getting done at 11:30. But, now we have an exception... if I have to be in work at 7am on Saturday I will be working 1pm - 9:30 on Friday.

Yeah... so much for a life/work balance. During the week, every other month, my entire life will be revolving around work. Let's not forget how much OT I work on the weekends too. Oh... and I can't wait to see what happens to my brain when I start messing with my sleep schedule.

Why do I have to start working this stupid schedule? To work around my school schedule and so I start picking up 2nd shift. When I started in this department 3 years ago I was told that if I'm in school, I get to stay on first shift. Now that's changing. And you know why? Because one co-worker whined about the fact that he is here alone for a few hours twice a week.

Thanks, buddy. There may be benefits to this but the fact of the matter is... it sucks. I can think of a few but I don't like this job enough to have to revolve my entire being around it. That's not cool. This isn't supposed to be my career, just a job. I am so very unhappy.

Unpacked

Went to bed early last night. Really early. I guess I must have been pretty tired anyway. I took my meds and before I knew it my eyelids were really, really heavy. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I wanted to write in my journal but couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to even look at it.

So, I'm nearly completely unpacked. All I have left to do before I start making the place how I really want it is some cleaning of the dishes and taking some stuff to Goodwill. Then it's just me fixing it up and making it completely my own. I really need some lamps. And a few other things...

Feeling kind of blah though. A bit out of sorts. Not exactly sure why but some of it is the basic feeling of missing two someones who are no longer in my life. For two very different reasons. It'll pass in time.

I have to get grocery shopping soon and I have to swing by mom and dad's to do my laundry. I'm just about out of pants. I really need to get some new jeans. This is a boring blog, I realize but it's what's up with me right now.

So, Like, Whatever

A really good friend of mine came over last night. First we met up at Chili's and ordered some grub to go. Then she followed me back to my place and we ate and chatted and chilled. Both of us are talkers so at no point was there any awkward or, rather, simply ANY silence at all.

She spoke about her life with kids and a husband. Things are different there than they used to be. But, it's been neat to see her life expand. She was married already when we met but the kids were simply not in the game plan yet. We had plenty of our own good times, drunken mini-adventures back in the day. Also several stupid decisions that we lucked out in getting ourselves out of without too much damage done.

I spoke about my happily single life. And how I'm not exactly looking for more than what I've got right now. I mean, I'm always up for the new in life but I just want to pull it all together for the moment and enjoy it without the pressure of having to answer to anyone. Not that I'm opposed completely to a full blown relationship with someone... I guess I'm just still hoping for more time before that finds it's way into my life. But - we'll see. Never know what tomorrow may bring...

Found

So much can change within just a few days. And it's awesome.

Got a place of my own, got myself moved in, got my self confidence back. Anxiety issues have disappeared nearly completely, for the time being at least. Feeling good about where I am at the moment.

Found myself again. Was lost there for quite a while. Now... onto finding out what a 29 year old me with my own place will do.

Duck and Run

Dammit. So, I had planned on waking up this morning and being myself again. But, it seems that's not going to be the case. At least for the moment. I haven't been for quite a while, it seems. I'm all over the place.

I drove to work listening to one of my favorite songs, repeated it a few times and hoped to have the emotional reaction to it that I was looking for. No avail on that one. I tried but no go. I'm just not feeling well. I think something is very wrong right now. I'm doing some of the little things I used to do before and not much is making complete sense to me. This freakin' sucks.

I had an interesting weekend and several days off of work but I'm still not feeling right. Something inside of me won't "click" back on. I may have to call my doctor, I think. But, I don't want to.

I'm going to be gone until Monday... look forward to hopefully writing a more chipper blog then...

Ideation

Disclaimer: I am not going to kill myself.

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

But I haven't run out of resources yet so don't worry... it just sucks having thoughts about it that you can't stop. Ideation is no fun, even if you know in the deepest part of you that you won't do it. There is a strange relief in it though. I guess it's probably almost like cutting (when I did my cutting, it was different than what other people have described and it didn't last for very long).

I have people whom I think love me and I love them. Though I'm pretty numb and outright disillusioned with feelings right now (whether or not they actually exist in other people and if mine are actually real too). And some of them will read this and get worried. While it's been on my mind, it won't happen.

Fucking hate this shit. And I'm sorry to bring it up but it's what's going on right now.

The Truman Show

Ack. Waking up in the morning with the initial thought "I'm going to hell" and having the overwhelming feeling that you are a terrible person isn't how I like to enjoy my Sunday. But, that's what I got. Things didn't feel real for a while... I was just kind of floating, paying little attention to the movie around me and all of my attention to the fact that I'm horrible. At one point, while driving, I had tunnel vision and couldn't see anything but the road in front of me. All I could do was hope that cigarette went out the window. Did I toss it out? Because I didn't see it.

Reminder that I can't take care of myself, like was repeated to me all those years ago - by not just one person but two. One of them repeating it often enough that I started to believe it. One of them making sure to point out my failure during a crisis time in my life. It's not true but sometimes things run deeper than one wants to admit. I think I do believe it in some way or I'd have no problem making eye contact with strangers. There's a part of me that just exists, trying to forget certain things. And I don't want anyone I don't know seeing how worthless I really am. Pulling the blanket over his head reminded me of that.

So, my heart raced and I panicked. Thought a few times that my throat was just going to randomly close up with no warning and I'd suffocate and die at my desk. Or while driving. Thought a bit more about how I'm going to hell for all eternity and this is just the beginning. Then I remember that rain falls on the good and bad alike, which means the sun does also.

I know where the throat closing idea comes from... my brother had to be taken to the hospital for that when we were young. But, he had mono and I believe strep throat. Watching him throw up copious amounts of blood later drove the point home. He was my hero because he made me feel simply loved and taken care of. I didn't have to do anything to earn it. And he bought me candy bars. Watching your big brother almost stop breathing is scary. I was a kid and things zap your brain during development. I almost forgot about it until I asked myself this morning why I keep worrying about my throat randomly closing up. As for the going to hell stuff, I thank the "religious" period in my life, with all it's reading and reclusiveness and screaming and praying that the pain would stop but it didn't until I read that book mom and dad gave me for Christmas. And even then some of the other pain was still needing to be healed but at least I could start using the heater in my room since maybe I was worth keeping warm.

And that was my Sunday. I really want the apartment I looked at on Friday and anxiety got the best of me.

Reconsider

Confusion occurs regularly for me. I'm starting to wonder how well my medication is actually working. I've been pretty compulsive lately. Bouncing around quite a bit, giving in to fits of extreme anxiety at time. But, I don't want to mess with the meds. I'm happy as long as I'm not having racing thoughts and as long as I get to sleep.

Still - I overslept this morning and missed my spiritual direction appointment. I felt terrible when Sister called and I wasn't even close to waking up, though I did answer the phone. I better shoot her an email tonight.

Why did I oversleep? Partially because I didn't want to go and didn't feel motivated to get up. Partially because I drank a little too much last night. Partially because I simply stayed up too late, sharing a drink with someone who surprised me with a late night text. I was already on my way home when my phone's light came on.

Got a random text this morning as well - from someone a little creepier than I'd like to admit. A guy from match whom I had already deleted from my phone memory. "Wish you would reconsider". I gave him no response and his name is no longer in my phone but I know who it was. And I'm glad I never met him - for a myriad of reasons. Not the least of which revolves around "why are you still thinking of me?".

Lots of Dos Equis

Well, I'll be doing my stomach crunches again today. Took the day off from exercising yesterday because I was hurting. Something fierce. Which was no big surprise since I was a little sore on Wednesday and I chose to ignore that and exercise Wednesday anyway. If I have time tonight, I think I'll go for a bike ride after work.

Looking like things have changed since the last paragraph was written. Turns out after work I'm going to be looking at an apartment. Don't think I'll have time to go for that bike ride... hope this place is the one. It's just time for me to move.

I need my privacy. Big time.

Been breaking into panic lately. It's not normally like me to be scared about the future but I guess what I'm afraid of is not having enough time to enjoy myself. Which sounds stupid. Actually, there's all sorts of different factors in the anxiety. I just have to keep reminding myself what I know to be true... it'll all work out. I have no need to panic. I have faith in that much.

Goodness, that was alot of Dos Equis last night... I guess I'm still a beer fan.

America's chilling future

By Glenn Beck (taken from CNN.com)

Dear America:
Happy 300th Birthday!
It's 2076 and we've just invented the time-fax machine. (Actually, "we" didn't invent the time-fax machine, the State did -- they pretty much control everything now.)
I'm faxing this back to you in 2008 because that seems to be the year we had the best chance to reverse our course and get back to the vision laid out by our founding fathers -- a vision that didn't include the government being in the insurance business.
I don't have a lot of time (the State only gives us one 30-minute break per day) so let me give you some advice: Stop worrying so much about who runs the country and start worrying about who runs your towns, your states, and your Congress.
I know you're all distracted by the presidential election, but for all the money and time poured into it, the truth is that you're choosing between two roads that will lead you to the same destination. Sure, one may be the Autobahn and the other a two-lane highway, but you'll end up at the same place either way.
Decades of Republicans and Democrats alike have all chipped in to lead you to where you are today. Believing that one person, from either party, can change that by themselves is a big mistake.
Presidents are like captains of a large ship: They can map out a course and shout out orders, but without the trust and hard work of the people who actually move the rudders, their commands mean nothing.
In retrospect, the lack of trust and confidence you now have in your leaders was really the root cause of everything that's happened since. While our founding fathers designed a brilliant system of checks and balances, separation of powers and democratic elections, trust was the one thing they couldn't mandate in the Constitution.
Unfortunately, it's also the foundation upon which everything else is built and once it began to erode, our whole house inevitably began to crumble.
Looking back now, it's pretty obvious that our trust in government declined at about the same rate as our partisanship increased. People became so concerned about getting their party into power at any cost that the truth didn't even seem to matter anymore.
That's probably one of the reasons why George Washington hated the idea of political parties so much. Here's what he said about them in his 1796 farewell speech:
"The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries which result gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of public liberty."
I know that George had a habit for using big words, so allow me to translate into 2008 English: Political parties that put their own success over that of the country's will be the death of America.
If you don't believe him yet, just wait a few more years...you're about to see firsthand how right he was. After all, if power corrupts, then the kind of absolute power gained by political parties (and feared by Washington) corrupts absolutely.
The best advice I can give you is to stop thinking in terms of left and right and start thinking in terms of right and wrong. Demand the best leaders possible, and then demand the best out of them.
Believe me, when you see what's coming your way, you'll realize how little the donkey and the elephant really ever mattered. Oh and while we're on politics, one quick thing that I'm sure you're curious about: Yes, Robert Byrd is still in the Senate. He's 159, but doesn't look a day over 91.
Now, let's talk about the economy. Let me see if I have this right: Money and power made people greedy, so you decided to hand over a bunch of money and power to greedy politicians instead. Smart! After using that money to nationalize a bunch of banks, mortgage companies and insurance companies, they moved on to bigger things.
The airlines came first -- we just couldn't live without them. Then it was the automakers (Detroit would've died), health care (they said they could manage it better), and eventually, the oil companies (I'm not sure where all of those "windfall profits" have gone).
The idea behind it all (an idea that was eventually turned into law with the passage of the Securities Exchange Act of 2011) was to "socialize losses" by spreading them out among all taxpayers. The pain, our leaders argued, would be minimal that way.
They were right. At least until the bills came due. See, we didn't actually have any of the money we were promising everyone; we were borrowing it.
It didn't take long before so many of our tax dollars were going toward interest payments that we couldn't fund even the most basic of government programs without massive tax increases on everyone. People now work most of the year just to pay Uncle Sam (or, as we now call him, "Comrade Sam").
I hear the State censors coming, so let me leave you with a few other quick things:
• Good call on not worrying about protecting our borders. That works out really well for you in 2019.
• You might want to spend a little less time worrying about carbon and a little more time worrying about Iran. We're now in a new mini-Ice Age but, believe me, Iran isn't using their nukes to warm any homes. (PS The International Atomic Energy Agency just revealed to you that Iran appears to be refitting their long-range missiles to carry nuclear payloads. Did you think they were joking or were you just too busy with lipsticks and pigs to notice?)
• The currency of the future is energy. Those who have it are thriving and those who don't -- well, let's just leave it at that. Drill for all the oil you can, but you also better start seriously looking for some other options.
In closing, remember this golden rule and you should be fine: Your Constitution will never fail you, but your leaders will. Be wary of anyone who tries to convince you that it's the other way around.
Best wishes (you're going to need them),
Worker 2744A
PS It's not all socialist doom and gloom here in the future. We just thawed Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen body and he hit 87 home runs for the North Team!
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the writer.