Back in the Saddle Again

I am a seriously tired little meerkat today. (Meerkat is my beloved's nickname for me.) I'm not sure why it's exhausted me so much but this weekend really took it out of me. Strange part is that all I really did was spend most of my time at work. Almost 24 hours in the course of 48. The weekends at my job are not overly exerting, they're just mind numbing. Mind numbing by way of trying to pass the hours. There are very good reasons why someone has to be here but I swear to you, it's like a form of solitary confinement. Nearly. Except it's not in a dungeon-like atmosphere exactly.

I guess I'm back into the dating world as well. In the other non-sleeping time on Saturday, I went to a diner with a new guy. I haven't given him a name yet but one may be coming. He's got thirteen tattoos, we meet eye to eye on most things that we have covered and he understands, without me explaining why I'm not ready to go to his house for the second date to watch a movie. It doesn't hurt that he keeps calling me beautiful. Doesn't hurt one bit.

Our next date: Tuesday, we're going for a walk around a local river. Yup, no need for expensive dinners here (poor guy's had some rough going in the work department - shitty economy), just time to talk and get to know each other. For the moment, that's all I'm after.

There could be some potential drama here... by way of a friend who used to know him well but I'm going to just let it be. One diner date and lots of texts doesn't exactly constitute a full blown relationship so why should I worry? One day at a time. Though I am still willing to admit, the idea of being fully relationship immersed does scare me a bit. But, when I'm ready, when it's right, it won't scare me too terribly much. Yes, I have to keep reminding myself.

Before September 13

Today's blog is for the Jersey folks... if you use PSE&G.

Take a look at your most recent bill closely. You will see on it that they recommend you starting up (trying out) your heater prior to Sept 13. Apparently there is a $25 startup fee between September 13th through October something or other... Basically just fire it up once to make sure everything's working and you'll be a-ok.

Just a friendly tip from your friendly blogger.

Step One: Check

At approximately 2:05 AM last night, I did one of the things I've always wanted to do. I finished a complete novel. As in, wrote the whole thing. From beginning to end, through changes and ups and downs. Both for my main character and for myself. I'm very happy with this. On Saturday, I plan to print it out so that I can start revising. The process has been amazing. I just hope that when I try to read it... it's at least remotely close to as amazing as it feels.

I know the ending was strong, the last few chapters especially. I need to pump the rest of the chapters up a bit too.

Thank you, Texan for the PC. Without it, I would never have done it.

Can't wait to start revising. Though I am going to give myself two days off...

One Half of Barton Fink

I drove home last night, feeling slightly inspired and reminded by the first half of Barton Fink. (I haven't seen the second half yet.) It's about a writer... apparently it was written by the Coen brothers while they had writer's block on another film. The writer in the film, Barton Fink, is blocked too.

I'm not blocked but I hadn't written anything besides my journal and my blog for several days. At least since the night before my birthday when I sat down and wrote a few paragraphs on turning 30. No, I'm not referring to my blog entry. It was a few more paragraphs. Basically, this is a long, boring, intricate way of me saying I haven't worked on my book in several days. Possibly even a week. Maybe.

Not last night though, not last night at all. I sat down last night and I couldn't stop. It wasn't until 2:13 in the morning that I finally forced my hands and my mind away. I wrote three chapters in the course of a few hours. I've only got two left and then my first draft is done. I just might finish it today. It'll be my first ever completed book.

It's amazing to me. I'm doing it. And I've got plenty of ideas, I even know how tomorrow will start for my main character and I know how it will end. I've got it all written down on sticky notes, it's coming along. This is exciting though frightening. Anxiety is definitely setting in and playing it's evil little games but I'm going to ignore it.

Just a few short hours away now...

Valuing the Good Stuff

I had alot of fun this weekend. Lots of it. Good times, good memories, the beginning of my thirties. I also noticed alot this weekend. Real friends, so-so friends and not so real friends. I'm not sure what's taken me so long in recognizing certain things but now that I have, I don't believe I can go back.

I've tried over and over again with certain folks but I'm done trying. I do think most relationships shouldn't be a major effort combined with lots of letdowns, I think they should flow well. Of course, work is involved but it should go back and forth without feeling like it's generally all one sided. I'm sure I've been guilty of the one sided friendship without realizing it. In fact, I know I have. That's what hindsight is all about.

But - all in all, I'm done with trying at all with some people. And when I say at all, I mean at all. Quality over quantity though I have to admit, my quantity of real friends is not lacking one iota. I'm truly blessed.

And one more thing, there are people in my life whom I have made room for that I probably shouldn't anymore. People whom it wasn't exactly casual with that I would like it to be casual acquaintances at this point. For various reasons, none exactly the same. I'm not going to complain about anyone... and me saying this isn't directed at anyone who reads this in particular, if at all. It's just time for reevaluation to take place and mean something this time. I'm not talking about enemies here... I'm just talking about finding peace in my relationships. Drama no more!

Ok... one last "one more thing"... there are also a few people whom I'd like to work on, as in building the friendship. Seriously, I sat down and wrote a list of the people I'm going to be keeping a focus on. It was part of a workbook I have... a part about working on confidence... and working on "the party that is me". Half assed friendships and relationships have got to be put by the wayside, it does nothing for anyone to have unhealthy in their lives. If I don't like who I am when I'm with you... chances are we aren't going to make it very long.

On the Eve of Turning Thirty

In just a few hours I'll cross the threshold into a new decade. The 30's. I thought maybe I'd be upset as most of my friends have been but I'm not. I'm humbled and I'm grateful and I'm thrilled to have made it through my 20's. Those who know me very well know that I came way too close many a time to not making it this far. But, I have. To me, it represents something that it does not seem to with others. Or maybe they just don't recognize it. Or maybe they just don't see it the same way I do. To me, it is something to look forward to, something to be proud of. In the back of my mind, in places where anxiety creeps in due to depressing and dark thoughts, part of me never truly believed I'd ever be this age. Not in the denial type of way but, rather, in the things are just bad kind of way. Being thirty (or about to be at this very moment) represents to me a survivor's truth. I have pushed through alot even if, at times, I barely pushed through. I have reached out for help when I needed it. Not out of weakness but, in my eyes, out of a strength I didn't know I had. Three years later, it's alive and well and I can look around and say that I know myself better than many, not as well as some. Sometimes I wonder, if you can even know yourself if you don't face the darkest truths about yourself instead of always laying blame on the rest of the world. Yes, bad things have come to me but I've also walked away from them. Damaged at the time but scars that are healing. Some things take longer than a year or two to overcome.

I'm sounding awful dramatic this evening but the truth is, that's not what's intended. I guess I'm just trying to get out of me the things that make me grateful to have gotten here. I may not have my degree yet, I may not be married with kids but I have lived. Quite a bit. I'm hoping my thirties will bring for me happy living instead of oppressed living. And I'm sure, I'm positive that they will.

I made it. And that's about all I can say.

Turning Back to the Old Path

Well, now that I've calmed down from the small blow I took yesterday, I will breath calmly and deeply. Suffice it to say, I will not be getting another position that I thought would do me good. Nobody who interviewed for it will. Oh well. What will be, will be. Something better is coming around the bend. Or around one of the next hundred bends, I do hope... at least.

Biff and I hung out the other night. We sat down, ordered some grub and watched Doubt. In the process of being blown away by one of the most well written movies of all time (in my humble opinion) she had made a comment about how she didn't want my blog to turn solely into a dating blog. To that... I say... ok.

I'll go back to writing about whatever comes up. It'll be easier and more fun anyway. Plus, in a few weeks dating will be a big part of my life again (hopefully) so you'll be hearing about it. I'm sure.

Thanks for sticking with me and coming back, folks. I do appreciate it. Flakiness in decision making as I may be, I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read this (and any other posts that may have caught your attention).

A Rant

Seriously... right about now I'm feeling very "what's the point?". I know this is supposed to be about dating but today - it's not. Today I'm angry and I'm upset and I'm sick of trying. Doesn't mean I'll stop trying but part of me really doesn't think there's any point anymore. The things I want are always the wrong things for me apparently. They're the things that don't work out and then I'm fucking disappointed. Again. It would be really, really nice if something could just go my way. It really would.

Maybe I'm not being patient enough. But, I'm really sick of hoping for stuff that's just doesn't happen. I'm sick of having more bad memories than good. I'd like a nice (even fun?) period time in my life. I'd like to have something really, really good happen to me. Not every time it looks like it's heading there, having it die again. Seriously, someone tell me... what's the point? Some people live an endless struggle and some people sail right through. I'd love to be an in between person, not the endless struggle type of person.

20 Things Every Woman Should Do Before She Gets Married

- Wendy Atterberry (from The Frisky)

Live by herself for at least a year.

Live with someone else for at least a year.

Recover from a broken heart.

Have a vacation fling.

Take a road-trip with a group of girlfriends.

Relish sleeping in a queen-sized bed by herself.

Get her finances in order.

Learn to love her body.

Have sex with at least one person she’d never want to marry (or introduce to mom).

Find reliable birth control.

Pay off as much credit card debt and student loans as possible.

Spend way too much on a something frivolous.

Exorcise all past relationship demons.

Travel somewhere exotic.

Establish a strong circle of friends.

Forgive her parents for not being perfect.

Have at least one night she can’t quite remember.

Experience some really bad first dates.

Find hobbies that fulfill her.

Celebrate her 25th birthday.

Without Being Overt

I spent yesterday on the couch. Didn't move much except to get some food and to go rent Doubt. I don't recover quickly at all anymore. Shrug. It's probably best this way. Keeps me from going overboard more often than not. I had a very important phone call to make, which I did but it didn't lead where I thought it might. Which is probably good because my brain was definitely working at a much slower pace than I would have planned.

Went to a kickass concert on Saturday night. Loved me some Tori. She is honestly so beautiful, it's remarkable. When she sings "I am an M-I-L-F, don't you forget," it's truth. It's not the fact that she is so clearly in great shape as much as it is that she radiates a kind of raw sexuality without being overt. It's part of her whole being as a performer. Her piano and her voice are beautiful and without a doubt she is talented beyond belief. At least in my opinion.

What really struck me this time around, though I'm not exactly sure why it struck me so hard during this performance in particular was her sexuality. How she is so not afraid to express it. Even with her dad in the audience. I'm afraid to express mine in general most of the time anymore let alone with my dad around. The thing is, you can't copy that. You can be inspired by it but you can't copy it. Your sexuality is yours. And it's made up with it's own nooks and crankies, for each person individually. Again, this comes down to confidence. And getting my body back in shape. I don't want to be as I used to be with it... overt and kind of oversexed. (Hey - mania has many faces.) But, I would like to definitely begin showing it with confidence. Guess I still just have to keep working on it. Hopefully, as I turn 30 at the end of this week, I can learn to finally embrace it the way it's supposed to be embraced. Whatever that means. I can almost feel how it should be in a way I can't describe but I have yet to get there.

For a few days in the beginning of July I was definitely expressing it the way only I can. I remember biff asking me why I'm looking all sexy lately. That comment felt good. Just wish I had the energy to put into making myself feel that way every day. It was nice while it lasted. Maybe if I get back on a regular schedule, it'll be one of those things that falls into place.

Permanancy Too Soon?

Looking in the mirror yesterday, for the first time since starting my boot camp (which has waned a bit but I'm still exercising every day) I was able to see a difference. Part of it is the way my tees are laying on me now and part of me just noticed that my stomach was closer to flat. Not flat but closer.

I don't get on scales. I get obsessed if I do. But, I do look in the mirror and I judge by my clothes.

The biggest change I've made is healthy eating and obviously the exercise. Quitting smoking will come this fall, when it gets cold. I mean, who wants to go stand outside in the elements for five minutes when it's cold? Non-smokers have to see us as crazy for doing it. It really is silly.

I'm eating salad for at least one meal a day. I'm eating a real breakfast. I'm not snacking as much (except the occasional one, which means dinner or lunch gets balanced out to fruit or veggies). I'm avoiding white bread (except the occasional pasta dish) and I've pretty much abandoned soda. Fast food will only be enjoyed on rare occasion from now on (except Chick-fil-A). Desserts... rare. Simply put, I'm making smarter choices. And this isn't just a right now change, this is a permanent change.

So, here's the question. One which the Texan brought to mind the other night at Friday's (where I enjoyed a turkey burger and did not finish the fries). He pointed out that my old match profile didn't say much about me at all. It was kind of a "let's hang out" type of thing and that's about it. I will be rejoining the match world in the beginning of September. Assuming that I'm still sticking to my new lifestyle changes when I sign back up (which I intend to make this a rest of my life commitment), is it too early or too much to make a point of saying that activity and eating right are a part of my daily routine? Should I make sure I'm completely back in shape before saying that or no? Is it too early (in two weeks or so) to say those kinds of things about myself? I'll be just over a month in by the time I sign up. I know it won't be a lie... but will it seem truthful?

Curious what others think...

Can I Come to Your Surprise Party?

Today's blog may not relate to dating as much as just plain social life though it definitely has a single person's smell on it. Today's lesson in etiquette focuses around parties of people you don't know very well. People who are, say, dating one of your friends. People whom you are cool with but not so cool with that suddenly loyalties rearrange themselves.

The loyalty of a friend should not be so quickly turned about. If it is, it's not a true friendship. Especially when we're old enough to know. Again, I'm generally talking to an adult group here - not kids (aka anyone under 21...)

Here's the exact scenario we're throwing out there:

Friend: Oh, that night I'm going to GEM's surprise party. Let me see if I'm allowed to bring a guest.

Boy friend is dating: (after the conversation is over with friend) Let me just go ahead and facebook message GEM and ask if I can go...

Now, what's wrong with this picture? Let's break it down together, shall we?

1) Friend said she'd check to see if a date was acceptable, you couldn't wait?

2) I know you and I are cool, guy friend is (or I should now say "was") dating, but you've chosen to put me in a bad spot. Trying to come between girlfriends who are actually tight is never a smooth move. What your motives were, I won't even bother trying to figure out.

3) My loyalties will always lay with my friends, not the guy or girl my friend is dating.

4) Didn't you catch the fact that she said "surprise" party? So not cool.

And that's almost all I have to say about that. It's never cool to invite yourself to a party but it's even less cool to try and invite yourself to a party in order to try and manipulate a situation to your advantage. Manipulation is never the mark of a good person. Not that we don't all try to get our way here and there, I believe we all do... but to be so blantant about it and to try and pull something over on a woman you're trying to be with... for shame.

Respecting Your Sleep

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Apparently, that's what I'm lacking. For myself... which in some opinions... relates directly to the reason why I may not be getting it. This is true. I've never been very good at putting my foot down when it comes to a guy I have feelings for.

Which is funny, because Spice and I just recently had a brief conversation (email conversation, that is) about respecting one's sleep. Respecting one's sleep? Yes, respecting one's sleep.

Sleep is a basic necessity. If someone cares for you, they will want you to get your rest. We all need it and once we hit the teenager years, we all started to want it. (Ignore the insomniac years I spent in my late teens and early twenties.) Now, as I get even just a tad bit older, I enjoy it. Flat out, love it. I don't love too much of it but waking up bouncing out of bed only comes from really restful sleep.

But - you know what can get in the way of restful sleep?

Phone calls. And sometimes, texts.

Now is when I will lay down the rules for appropriate calling and texting for those who are dating (and over the age of let's say... 25... you know, when people start getting "real" jobs and start needing "real" sleep). Keep in mind, I am not talking about serious relationships or emergencies. Although if you're in a serious relationship and they're calling you at 2AM to chat, you may want to question that...

It is inappropriate to call anyone after say, 10PM during the week and usually on the weekends as well. For some folks, it may even be at 9PM but we do have messages systems at this day and age. If you are trying to date a girl or guy, try to keep the calls before 9PM in general, unless you know them well enough to know they'll be up until 10PM. Anytime after 11PM becomes nothing but booty call hours. And if you're not looking for a booty call and just want to talk... wait until the next day. This is simply being polite, people.

Contacting someone when they are sleeping, when most people are sleeping, (again, unless you know that their schedule is different AND they've said it's ok with them) and saying "hey - wake up, I want to talk" is flat out disrespectful. Calling them over and over again at 2 or 3AM. Terribly disrespectful. If a girl or guy likes you, doing this might make them think twice - in a big "she's kind of psycho" way. Yes, we've all drunk dialed. Drunk dialing does happen on occasion but there is a reason why you're supposed to feel foolish the next day.

If someone doesn't respect you while you are sleeping, how can you even begin to expect them to respect you when you're awake?

Besides That Thing...

There are some things that you can’t learn if you’re on a high all the time
- Spice's notes

The last few days have been rocky for me. My mood, my mind, my life just... well... I gotta shake it off. My beloved and I have been doing alot of talking about some of the very serious underlying problems I've got... in the dating territory in particular. My tendency to put myself in bad situations with people who really, really don't care about me. At least not the way they should. I've had this problem for quite some time.

I had a somewhat strange question that I had to ask him, to which he chuckled though it was a very real question. Before I state the question, I want to make this abundantly clear. Rationally, I knew the answer. Emotionally, the answer is something different than the rational side. Disconnect. I don't want to go out in the dating world again and make the same mistakes I have in the past. I've got to figure out why exactly I feed into the cycle.

The question is this... do guys actually want to spend time doing anything besides having sex? It doesn't matter that my beloved has told me yes, I am simply not convinced. This would be a testament to the men I've spent my time with as well as spent my time on. There is a part of me that still gets wide eyed about the idea of a guy going out in public with a girl just because they're a couple, that he'd be proud enough of being in a relationship to want to do that, that's what couples do.

This is not a pity party. This is an honest question. I'm coming to certain realizations that I need to come to find a healthy counterpart. When I see my friends with their significant others, or some of them, I know that's how it should be. Other times, I know that's not how it should be. Either way, it's easier from the outside than the inside in some ways. I'm wondering... can anyone answer my question and make something click in my head? Can anyone just answer the question? I really, really need to get rid of this disconnect before I get back out there...

Active Girl

Weight loss. One has to do it for themselves, not for other people. Doing it for other people rarely works, if ever.

My method of weight loss rarely comes in the form of actual dieting. I do know how to eat healthy and I like to just stick to that instead of following a program or points or anything of that nature. I don't want it to all come rushing back once I've abandoned the diet. Exercise, too, is important to maintaining a healthy weight. Not that this is not something we all don't know already.

Activity, to me, is something that I value - intensely. Not that one must always be doing something exerting but I don't enjoy plopping down in front of the TV for hours on end unless it's a movie marathon. However, that's rarely even a real option at this point in my life. If it makes others happy, so be it but, me, I would rather be doing.

I am not attempting to lose weight for anyone but myself. If I slip up, it's only myself that I've failed. No need to beat myself up for it. Just try again. I am not attempting this boot camp because I know it'll be easier to catch myself a man. First off, that is not necessarily the case. Second, doing it for anyone else besides myself won't work... as I said in the beginning of this little examination.

But - I do have to get myself in shape, be active the way I love to be if I want to have a man who will enjoy doing these things with me. I went out in a canoe with friends yesterday. I've got some sore muscles, the good kind of sore. I'd like to find a guy who'd enjoy this with me. I'd like to find a guy who wants to spend some time out on the river, trying to avoid getting caught under a branch. (That was a scary moment, albeit funny.) I'd like to spend some time perfecting our rhythm. Maybe take an occasional Saturday morning, a few times a summer to get a three hour workout in and then get home to do that movie marathon for the rest of it.

If you want to be with someone who offers something in particular, you have to offer that yourself. For me, I want an active guy... so I have to be an active girl. It only makes sense.

New Path - Sex and the Suburbs

My thirtieth birthday is coming up in just a few weeks. As I have mentioned in prior postings. And I've been thinking about this blog a bit. How it's lost it's direction since it was started back in 2007. Originally, at least some of you know, this blog was started as a journey of recovery. Recovery from years and years without medication for my disorder. Well, I'd like to say I'm pretty much recovered at this point.

The self medicating (boozing it up) that had started during those years has subsided. Not that there isn't a teeny battle with it every once in a while but, really, I'm doing ok. I can have two beers without having six. And I've found my dosage in relation to the doctor prescribed medication. I've done my battle with my supervisor over my hours, making sure I'll be leveling out soon so I can take it an appropriate hour more days than not. My therapy appointments have been cut down and at this point we're focusing on two major themes. Why do I find myself only fully attracted to guys who aren't so good to me? And why do I seem to think that I'd be considered a fright by guys out in public?

So...

New focus.

For years my sister in friend and I joked about how I need to write all my dating exploits down. We haven't said it in a while but it used to be a topic we'd cover. I even came up with a title for the book (which I probably won't be sitting down to write) Sex and the Suburbs. The other day, I was speaking with my beloved on the phone and I talked about how I'd like a little more traffic flow to my blog. I can't deny that I'd like comments too. He pointed out that I hold some rather strong opinions and that I should start voicing them more. He said he believes my opinions would drive up the amount of visitors I get. Maybe he's right.

So...

Starting today, I'm going to start focusing solely on dating - thirty and beyond. I'm going to start exploring this and giving more opinions, more advice, more explanation. I've done a not so insignificant amount of research in this department and I'm going to expand on it, mixing it with my own experiences. You'll probably start to get some background stories and how I interpret them now. I welcome comments whenever you want to give them. I'd be happy to hear from you, my dear readers. This, my online story, will start from scratch. Me getting back into the game in September and the weight loss attempts I'm making before starting back up.

We'll see. Hope I can keep it interesting, at least for a while. If there are any topics in particular you'd like covered, feel free to email at m2006gush@yahoo.com. Or if you simply want to address anything I bring up. I may even be asking questions of you from time to time... don't be shy, answer please.

Fingers crossed... hope I don't start boring the crap out of people.

Sincerely,
GEM

JK Rowling

The wizards and magic and wonder that make up Harry Potter are nothing more than the creative mind that is JK Rowling. And as I reread that sentence I realize that I said "nothing more" which makes it sound like next to nothing at all, which is simply not the case.

Spice and I enjoyed ourselves a few hours with the kids who've grown up before the world's eyes last night. The kids, now nearly adults if not adults, are the ones who make up the primary cast of the newest Harry Potter flick. The stories that captured the hearts and minds of children just a few years ago and blew up into an international phenomenon. I was working at a bookstore when Harry Potter first came out. I tried the Every Flavor Beans, a marketing product that stuck to it's namesake. The earwax flavor was unforgettable.

As an aspiring author, I can only begin to imagine what it would be like to be in the shoes of JK Rowling. To see your creation up on screen after the books have been written and widely read, to see the way your mind works for the general public to take in. She started out poor and is now rumored to have more money than the queen. There was, of course, the lawsuit in which it was alleged that she had not come up with the idea. There may have been more than one. I can't help but think, though, that even if that is true, it was not someone else who sat down and wrote these linguistically simple yet rather complex stories. Seven books in a series is an awful lot to plagiarize without being found out. The eternal battle between good and evil, with this particular movie being rather dark, rather creepy, rather interesting.

JK Rowling is one of my writing heros. Not at the top of the list but somewhere in the top ten. To create a sensation with the written word is no small feat. It is the work of an artist, a genius of sorts. Brilliance doesn't come along nearly often enough, especially in this day and age. In the world of reality TV and shoot 'em up dramas that litter the airwaves, in entertainment in general, to hit a mark this well and dead-on is something to be congratulated for. I admire this woman and her work. I ignore the religious fundamentalists who created a stir that it was promoting witchcraft. Imagination does not equal evil. If it gets children reading, it's about as heaven sent as I can think of.

I tip my hat to Ms. Rowling. Thank you for your gift.

My Own Personal Boot Camp

Months ago I had mentioned to friends and a now ex-boyfriend that I would be starting a personal style boot camp. Which means lots and lots of exercise and eating right. I don't know why I waited so long but now it's begun. And I am sore. Very sore. I ended up going for a late night bike ride last night. It was a little hard to see in spots but it worked out just fine for me. Yes, I kept out of the road.

I've done this before but for some reason it never fully became habit. Basically I'm trying to do twice or three times the amount of exercise as I would if I was just in maintenance mode. If I have snacks (outside of the occasional scoop or two of fat free ice cream), it packs on another 15 or 20 minutes of exercise that must be done. Plus the general workouts I already have planned for each day. This morning I did another jog/walk and it felt great. I really need to get out and get that knee brace so I can spend more time running.

My motivator: pictures. I took pictures. Three pictures of myself, standing with nothing on but my sports bra and some tight exercise shorts. It was disturbing. Three shots. Front, side, and back. I think my back is what bothered me the most. Whenever I don't feel like doing the workout, all I have to do is look at those pictures and I'll feel like doing it. I can't wait to use them as a before/after.

I really, really hope I end up liking the after.

Taking the Training Wheels Off

Last night I went out to dinner with two friends. We enjoyed our dinner and I took notes for my little side gig. But mostly we chatted, getting to know each other just a little bit better than before.

When I got home, I was tired but I had this overwhelming urge to go for a walk. I wanted to get some extra exercise in before going to sleep after eating late.

Truth is, I've been pretty desperately looking for as many opportunities as possible to get in just a little extra calorie burning. The big 3-0 is coming up. And right after that comes up, I plan to jump back into the dating game so I need to get myself in shape. I'm tired of wearing clothes that are loose fitting just because I'm embarrassed of my stomach and my waist. I don't want to be embarrassed when I meet a new guy, I want to feel confident. I also don't want to be physically uncomfortable the way I am now.

So, I walked. Pretty quickly, around a nearby park, one smack-dab in the middle of my little town. Walked in the dark. As I went up one side of the park, the first side (it's shaped like a triangle), I suddenly got the urge to run. To jog, actually. I hadn't officially ran since I was a teenager and I blew out my knee. Twice. In a year. I spent just under a year with either a cast or with an immobilizer on. The pain wasn't so great either. The feeling of the three bones rubbing against each other but all going an opposite way. I can still remember it. Sort of, except that it happened so quickly. I remember the initial feeling, not so much the actual pain. It still makes me squirm.

So, as I walked, I picked up the pace a little more and a little more. Eventually I got up the nerve (about 15 years in the making) and jogged just a little bit. Then I walked, then I jogged just a little bit more. Then I walked... and so it went. I was scared but I loved it. I was almost crying as I picked up the speed. Granted, I honestly need to work on it and I need to get some knee braces, just to be on the safe side, but I'm going to jog more often. I know I don't know how to anymore, that I actually have to teach myself how to run again... believe me, my shadow looked silly so I know that I did. Once I get the knee braces, I'll probably work up to actually running, not just puttering along at a faster than walking but not quite cruising pace.

Still, it was wonderful.

If Today Was Your Last Day

- Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Manslations

I've been sitting here for twelve hours. Ok... with the occasional walk out to the road to catch a smoke not included. Or the occasional answering of the door or walking into the room with the refrigerator. Twelve hours, people. And, no, I'm not lazying around at home... though it sounds like it, I'm at work. And the room with the fridge is just another room... not a kitchen.

Yes, I spent much of it on the phone with my beloved. He just moved to Virginia to start law school (so proud of him!) and he's kind of bored. Not too terribly much to do quite yet. But, he best enjoy it now because once classes start, he's in for a whole lot of something to do. Actually, I best enjoy it now too, he probably won't have the chance to talk so much once things get rolling. Truth is, I always enjoy our conversations.

One area we took a nice, deep dive into was dating. Or, rather, my non-dating status and my ability to find the winners. To literally look around and be attracted to the absolutely wrongest (I'm making that a word) men out there. Wrongest men for me, that is. And some of them are probably wrongest for anyone, male, female or beast. Even the Beast treated Belle well while holding her captive.

After arriving at a dead end in our conversation, you know... when long breaths and "yeahs..." become the conversation. Not too long after he asked me how the economy is going... something to which I have no clue about really, I did a couple google searches. I will not be telling you exactly what these google searches were but you can imagine after a day that involves being at work for 12 going on 16 hours and not out meeting anyone, what they would be like... I came across a pretty neat little ditty... Manslations.

He's more of the proof positive and I do actually believe it. This is good reading for the ladyfolk. Particularly the single ladyfolk. Spells it all out without making every man sound like the pigs we all hate. (Notice: I did not say LOVE to hate.)

Witness to the Late Night Visit

Ahh... done the report. For the most part. Just a few tweaks and my work will be at rest. At least in that big of a lump. Been feeling slightly overwhelmed the last few days but it seems to me, pressure is relieved.

The other night, I sat outside having a cigarette. It was probably around 11 or so, after I got done watching one of my all time favorites movies, Pay It Forward, and I was chatting for a few minutes with my sister-in-friend when out of the corner of my eye I saw a car pull up. Some sort of white model something or other. I glanced over to see a guy walking toward me. A bottle in hand (non-alcoholic, I'm pretty sure) with a bit of a tipsy swagger to him. By that time of night, during the week, it is usually pretty quiet without many visitors to be found outside my little apartment building. I watched him without staring and he looked like he was coming right toward me. As he slipped up the steps past me, he rang the buzzer for the apartment next to mine. A single girl lives there too. A gorgeous Asian-American, to be more exact. This guy was cute but suddenly my stomach turned.

I could feel the now debunked neighbor in the way this guy was showing up. I mean, I don't know it for sure but I really kind of hope not. I wanted to knock on her door (but didn't because that would just be uncomfortable and completely out of place) and remind her what she's worth. Granted, she may not mind or that may not be the situation at all. Something just felt so wrong with it. There are very few women who are truly "ok" with this type of thing. Not that it NEVER happens but it's rare. The booty calls and the one night stands seem to have lowered men's expectations of what we should be and it has definitely knocked the level of generalized respect down to almost nothing, at least in my experience. Or maybe my experience is flawed, maybe it's just been the men I've known.

But, then again - I've also known some good ones. They're the ones who are willing to wait it out a bit, willing to actually go to dinner with you. I haven't fallen for any of them but they're out there. Proof positive in some of my best friends and my family members. I guess I'll just keep my eyes open in case one of the good ones comes along, who also happens to look good to me.