Gail

Imagine, if you will, fighting cancer on four different occasions. That's what she did. Ok... now once you've got that horror down, imagine doing it with a smile. That's what she did.

Went to her funeral yesterday afternoon. The pain her daughters and husband felt was tremendous. You could feel it radiating out from under the canopy. The eulogies were beautiful. One of those times that I wish I had really known her. I know her daughter well, she's a good friend. I've been to other friend's parent's funerals but I have to say this was the saddest. There was a heartbreak there that one rarely sees. The kind of thing that makes you realize how much love some people do actually share with one another. That family is close. Incredibly close and from the way it sounds, their mother is the one who showed them how to be that way.

I am grateful to Gail for having raised her daughter to be such a good person. And my friend.

The rabbi was really, really good. Don't let her light go out. That was the main component that struck me. And I will do my best. She loved so bountifully and so clearly. I hope I can do her a small honor and I hope she knows that even in death she is an inspiration.

At Age 14

Running in circles. Not looking down to what's going on inside. We all do it. And while it's not necessarily pleasant, it's a good thing to catch. When we're doing it.

I was offended yesterday by something that there is no reason to be offended over. So, I had to ask myself why it was bothering me. It's because I hate being treated like a leper. A smoker, that is. And that's my failure. My one attempt at quitting lasted not so long and now I've got to try again. And probably again after that. But, I don't have much choice. Smoking is no good. For anybody. Wish I could just be a social smoker but whatcha gonna do? I wanted to be cool and 14.

Blue Sky Covered

Sometimes you walk out of a place or a situation and you wonder what just happened. But, overall, you know it didn't feel good. I came home last night wondering that exact thing and I still haven't shaken the feeling.

Wish I could because now everything's looking kind of gray. As in gray skies. Not that they've lifted for very long lately. But, I know I saw blue skies on the horizon. Monday night I did. And then I got the phone call about my mom. Ever since, it's been getting ready to rain.

Right before my dad called me on Monday, I was starting to sense myself coming back to myself. The creativity I lost over the years. The feeling of freedom that comes with being alone. While I'm not totally against having someone to share my life with, I also know where I want to be on my own. And then, it was disrupted. And it's been a real tripping down the path kind of experience ever since.

I could visualize my dreams momentarily. I could see what I want. And then the storm clouds moved in. And briefly, last night, they started to disappear. I forgot about my troubles and I enjoyed myself. But... then... a little while later I left thinking I just wanted to get out of there and how I wasn't feeling so good anymore. What went wrong? Is there something so wrong with me that all my interactions from here on out have to feel awkward? No one did anything to me but something went wrong. It was subtle and it was not handled well by the other party. So, here I am wondering what will become of some of the people around me.

What will become of me?

The Mattress In the Livingroom

Life is crazy.

My mother is currently living in the middle of the livingroom on a mattress. Spent a bit of time in the ER last night. She's ok, nothing life threatening but she's in a bunch of pain. Now she's starting a steady diet of percs.

There's a guy in my meetup group, whom I skated away from everytime he came up to me. He told someone else that we're "building something". That we email back and forth and that he really thinks I like him. Uh... no. He's creepy. And I have a hard time looking at his face. Because he's creepy.

Ice skating was fun though. We just kept going round and round and round. Really thought I was going to fall over by the time it was over. And that poor little kid who got sliced in the face. I mean, ouch.

There she was... a girl lying face down in the middle of an intersection. So... he and I both stopped to help her. Then the cops showed up and we had to stick around. He's cute and maybe he'll call but I'm not counting on anything.

Dark Knight is a good movie. Though it's depressing to know that was Heath Ledger's greatest performance (my opinion) and last role. Hope he's living it up in heaven.

Then we shall slink off to a taste of the Far East. PF Chang's. Good times had by those who went. Then getting lost, peeing in the bushes, and experiencing the outskirts of the ghetto was interesting. "We gotta get out of this place... if it's the last thing we ever do" just at the right time and a transvestite prostitute to boot. Too bad I had to call out of work the next day because of it.

Beethoven's music is actually philosophy or so the gentlemen introducing the Philly Orchestra told us. When he was happy, you could tell he was happy. When he was sad, you could tell he was sad. The music was delightful. And then came the phone call.

Mom's back in the ER. This time because the pain from her sciatica was out of control. Even with the steroids and the painkillers. So, I had to stop in there (after leaving the concert early). Oh - and someone from the past called looking for me. My dad knew him for a few years as I dated him for a few years. Still he said he called and followed it up with "whoever that is". Uh... Dad... that's my ex.

Called him back today. He's headed to Iraq on Thursday. We're going to keep in touch. This is his third tour. Please, Lord, let him come back safely. For his sake, his parents' sake, and his wife and stepdaughter's sake.

Saw the cutest boy ever. And I stuck to my "no" gun. For once. But, we talked. And he shared his troubles with me. And I hope he makes his way in the world. On Thursday he leaves for Israel. I'm excited for him.

So that's where the last few days stand with me.

Sheesh.

Ain't All Sunshine and Rainbows

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!" (Sylvester Stallone as Rocky in Rocky Balboa)

Am I? I really, really hope so.

Things are tough right now and they have beaten me down to my knees. But, I'm getting back up. And this time around it's going to be for a good, long time. Looking forward to being that much smarter during this round. Certain doors are now closed and the grieving remains but I am still moving. And will be moving better with each passing day.

Oppurtunities to Not Be Bitter

When does my frustration bleed onto other people? When do I let myself get annoyed because there's something not right in me? Basically, everytime something is bothering me. Yup. EVERYTIME.

I can't take much more of certain things. Negativity. Because I feel so generally negative myself. Been waiting for something good to come my way for a long time. Even if I don't believe I deserve it, I think rationally I do. I'm trying to learn to accept myself as human. That not all of my thoughts which aren't positive don't make me worthless or bad. That those skeletons in the closet are just memories I don't have to dwell on anymore.

I have told myself I would not get bitter. Yet, I'm finding myself slowly getting bitter. And I'm scared of that. I guess in some ways I am looking to be saved but I'm the only one who can do the saving here. Generally.

Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? (God in Evan Almighty)

Racing To The Red Light

I received a pleasant morning hello from dude this morning. A finger stuck out of his car window because I wasn't speeding quite enough. And that finger, I assume, meant "rise and shine". Then we got to the next light and all I could do was point and go "BWHAHAHAHAHA!". Got all mad just to get to the light before me. He pulled into the plant before me... ah... and he works at the same place I do... I should have followed him in, just to freak him out a bit. Instead I went to my own entrance.

My life is different now. Almost like I have nothing left to try and avoid. And I am depressed. That's grief and it will just take some time to get past.

I can only add one new thing a day to my daily routine. Today it was bringing my breakfast with me to work. I normally would do that anyway. Today I did. It's like I have decisions to make. About how I want to live. And now they're solely for me. Just for me. And for God, I suppose... if we want to go there. At the moment, I really don't have too much of that in me. My faith is still here... but I am frustrated. Last night I sat out in the yard. In my jammies, talking to myself and sort of praying... and I didn't care when I noticed someone saw me. I was just too tired to care so I kept talking.

I'm not snapping. I'm just getting used to things. And that's ok.

I do miss my babygirl.

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.


Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

My Heartbeat

What a strange trip this life thing is.

Pain abounds. But eventually you break through to the other side. I am sad about Meg. And I am sad about Alex. The pain really cuts into me when I think about having to take her for a walk. And then realizing she's no longer there to take out front.

But, I am holding up well. And I am giving myself space to do this grief thing. It's ok to react. It's just fine. And I have a strange peace. I have never been more myself in my life. Just too tired to try and be anything. I am just me. Making the choice with Meg was tough. Alex - there was no choice. Nothing could have been done to avoid it. Nothing that I nor anyone could do. It was meant to be. In an odd, horrible, beautiful world. This one.

Guilt takes over at times. But, she was suffering.

The hurt is real but it's not going to kill me. And I'm only taking baby steps right now. Can't handle much more than that. But, that's ok too. I can only allow myself to do what I can and want to do. For real. I have sacrificed myself in many ways. Not in the healthiest ways, either. For the first time in my life, I exist for me. Without added pressure from any direction. It feels weird. Very, very strange. Meg was sick for a long time and I was frustrated before she passed. She never stopped being my heartbeat but I was tired. And she was tired. Her soul needed to be free, just as mine does.

I do wish there could be some explanation to why Alex had to go too. My heart breaks for my ex's aching heart. I loved Alex but I had grown used to not having him in my life. I still believe he wanted to simply be with Meg. Just wish he could have waited a little while at least. But, he couldn't. Everything happens for a reason and secretly, deep down inside the reason even for this... I think I know what it is. But, I will not speak it because I may be wrong. Only time will tell. And until then, I will continue to miss them both.

Meg and Alex

She was one of the great loves of my life. He was too. And they both died within a few hours of each other on Tuesday night.

Most days when I looked at her, my heart would just flutter. She was stunning. And her little soul was just as beautiful. I hadn't seen him much in a while but the last time I did I told him I loved him and that I was still his mother. He saved my life at one point. By biting me on the head before I did something stupid. Something very, very stupid. Had it not been for him, I may not be here to write this blog.

She had been sick for a very long time. Her quality of life had deteriorated to almost nothing. She couldn't walk right anymore. She couldn't lay down and her panting was non-stop. She couldn't go on that way. It was the humane thing to do, to put her to sleep. She was ready. And now she's in heaven. I am sure that animals go to heaven. Especially pets.

But, I don't think he could take the world knowing she was no longer in it so he walked out in front of that car. Now they're buried together and they'll be together forever. They were best friends when they lived together. And now they're best friends in the afterlife. I think he actually went before she did. I'm pretty sure he wanted to be the first face she saw on the other side.

Now, they're together forever.

Outcast In My Own World

I will call this my "off month". I can't stand working with two of my three co-workers. They are on rotating shifts for the month so I'm stuck with them. And one of them isn't so bad when he's by himself but once the two get together - forget it. They both become asses.

No one (besides the third co-worker, who's generally quiet anyway and a friend of mine at an outside of work level) has spoken to me all day. They don't say "hello" in the morning. They don't say a word to me but they all went to lunch together. All three of them. Truth is, I don't want to talk to the one. He is a backstabber anyway. Be nice to your face and complain about you every chance he gets behind your back. Especially to the supervisor.

So... I get to feel uncomfortable at work. And then I get to feel uncomfortable at home. Because the situation with the cutest boy ever (almost "formally") has deteriorated to the point that it feels way bad way more often then it feels good. So, that needs to be done. For my sanity's sake.

My life, right now, is not fun. I feel like a giant outcast in my own world.

The Twinge

What I know rationally... and what I know emotionally are two different things on occasion. Which is frustrating.

For instance... I know that others are not "better" than me simply because they have what I am still working for. However, I "feel" as though they are. There is a disconnect in my world because of this.

And I shall call that diconnect "the Twinge". So... when I refer to "the Twinge", this is what I'm talking about. Living with the disconnect is quite uncomfortable because it's kind of like running in circles. Just can't seem to catch the rabbit, it seems.

Budget Crisis

Money. Stinks. When you have none.

I just sat down for the past few hours with my budget. I really don't have much of a choice, I am going to have to pick up a second job. Hopefully Chili's will take me back for Friday nights. I only need the one extra shift a week. Oh... this stinks. Stupid credit card debt.

Sigh... it'll get better and I'll probably find myself slightly more comfortable than I think I'm going to be. Looks like I'll be spending a few more nights at home then I'm used to. Of course... it'll be in my own place so that probably won't feel so bad. Granted... I won't be getting cable for a good, long time but I'll figure it out. One step at a time for now.

Character Speech

Well... I am now up to 17 minutes on my bike. I think the problem is the gears. I don't know how to change them properly. I'll get it down eventually. Guess I should read that owner's manual thing that came with it.

Today is a rough one. As many days lately have been. I find myself having to face myself. (Not that I'm usually one to run away from it.) But, I'm trying to face my life. And my mistakes. My many, many mistakes. One mistake after another since I was 18. It started when I moved out of the house in a rush and just fumbled it's way since then. I regret though I wouldn't choose any other life. Because this one is mine. And I hurt because the pile of life, the results of all my mistakes and missteps are on top of me. Little by little, I chip away at them but sometimes this weight just feels too heavy. And then I am reminded that I actually feel that I am somehow not as good as others. Still... I know I've grown. And I know I treat people right. Or I try to. And that is my one pride even if it does sometimes make me "too nice".

A scene from a favorite movie of mine keeps going through my head. Because on days like today is resonates within the deepest part of me. Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PkOc-B64dY

My Bike Tried To Kill Me

Did you know that riding a real bike is nothing like riding an exercise bike? Yeah... learned that lesson yesterday. Thought the muscle was just going to slide off my bones, through my skin, and onto the road beneath me. Shit hurt. And I'm not in the worst shape ever. (Though definitely not the best either...) So... exercise-land, here I come. Whew! Gotta get myself prepared to ride at least 15 minutes today. Yup... it was that sad. I only lasted 10 minutes. How did we do it as kids? I miss those legs.

Training Shall Begin Today

I've only been away for a few days but it feels like forever...

Things have been sort of all over the place, really. Saturday I was miserable and cranky and crying. Sunday morning I woke up with an "uh-oh" feeling... I think I would not have been as upset as I was had it not been for PMS. Still, my hurt feelings were valid. It wasn't right... that accidental text message. And he knew he was in trouble. He was texting me alot over the weekend. At night... but still more than usual. Like each night until he got me. And I ignored him some of the time, answered short while I was still pissed. Then, finally on Sunday night I was no longer pissed and I decided to open back up to him a little. I could have turned it into a game at that point but that isn't me. So... I went to see him.

And all I can say is... after telling him what bothered me... and then recieving an appropriate apology... and him promising not to try anything with me... I started (he said he wouldn't try anything with me... I didn't say the same) the best damn make-out session ever. EVER!

So... I almost spent the night but I'm pretty sure I was coming down with the bug that hit me on Monday. I couldn't sleep, just couldn't fall asleep. I went home and still couldn't fall asleep. By Monday afternoon I was aching, my throat was a smidge sore, and my head was hurting. Yesterday I missed work altogether. And today I am feeling better, a few sneezes and runny nose aside.

Got my bike on Sunday. Excited about that. Kind of cracks me up that I got sick right away. Haven't had a chance to ride it yet. Though my dad oiled up the chain for me and took off all the tags and stuff. He didn't have to but it was super sweet of him. Now I can start training for that ride down to the shore in the fall. Also had lunch with a very close friend of mine on Sunday. Hadn't seen him in quite some time and it felt good to spend the time with him. He's going through alot right now and he is changing. But, that's just what life seems to do to us sometimes. Beats us to a point that we have no choice but to change. Some people get worse but most seem to get better. Sometimes, though... it takes one lesson after another to make us budge. To let down our pride and say... maybe I don't know it all... maybe I'm not always right. What is life trying to point out to me here?

And then you work on it. And you accept it. And it changes you.