This Is It

I skipped watching the game on Thursday night. Which, due to our team's loss, I'm not terribly upset about now. Not that I was terribly upset that night either... because I went to go see This Is It. Michael Jackson's documentary about his never going to happen concert. Let me tell you something... it would have been amazing. Brilliant. Amazing. I think what I missed most about not watching the game was sitting on biff's couch with her. But - we've got tonight.

The movie advertisements for This Is It kept telling you that it would show you a side of him you've never seen. It's true. What you saw was the artist at work. And quite the artist he was - meticulous, knew what he was envisioning "I want it played the way I wrote it". He was funny too. Funnier than I would have ever guessed he would be. Spice and I enjoyed it. It really was something to see on the big screen. Everyone there clapped when it ended, as if he could hear us. Who knows - maybe he can.

Got me thinking too - about dedication to one's work. I'm talking the passionate kind of work, the thing that makes you complete, not just the thing that you do for money. For me, it'd be writing. For others, homemaking or finance or anything, really. But - can you imagine if we were all that dedicated? If we all made such a big go at it? Or, at least, a big attempted go at it.

What would this world become?

Random Thought #7

"Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards orFAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft."

-taken from a forward

Offensive Player

Slipped up with my plans last night. Didn't get a workout in AND I had myself a Quarter Pounder with cheese. No fries, just the burger, which promptly ended up on my shirt. Well, the mustard and ketchup did.

But - to see my niece kick in a goal was worth it. Cutie runs like she's dancing, smiles and giggles. Her pop, my brother, admitted he was more excited than she was. Still, it's something to be proud of. I've never done it. Of course, I never played soccer beyond a little bit in gym class - at some point.

Tonight. Tonight, I will venture off to my possible new gym. I was going to wait until after the world series but, really, there's no need for that. I can squeeze in workouts between games. I'm feeling really motivated right now so I think I need to get on it while I can.

I'm all about the cardio machines, my friends. All about them. Always have been. I haven't been doing my abs or my arm workout as of late because I keep remembering what one of my professors had said when I was training (for a short time) to be a personal trainer. You have to get rid of the fat sitting on top of the muscles before you tone them. Otherwise, you'll just have fat on top of muscle. Having toned muscles does help burn fat more efficiently but it doesn't burn fat off in the same way that simple cardiovascular exercise does. You gotta keep burning it to lose it.

Changing my meds the little bit that I have seems to be doing me a world of good. I'm thinking clearer than I can ever remember doing before. Cutting back my social schedule has taken some emotional getting used to but I'm enjoying that as well. REALLY enjoying it, to be honest. And smoking American Spirits instead of Parliament... well... I'm smoking alot less than I had before.

Just have to keep running the field and maybe I'll end up in the proverbial footsteps of my niece.

Peace Quote #3

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
- Regina Brett

'Wild Things' is scary, but so is life

- Ruben Navarrette Jr.
Special to CNN

Editor's Note: Ruben Navarrette Jr. is a member of the San Diego Union-Tribune editorial board, a nationally syndicated columnist and a regular contributor to CNN.com. Read his column here.

San Diego, California (CNN) --

Maurice Sendak is my king.

No, not because Sendak, in 1963, turned 10 sentences into a children's classic. "Where the Wild Things Are" tells the tale of a boy named Max who runs away from home and sails off to an island where the fantastical creatures that live there proclaim him their king. And not because the film version of that book, directed by the brilliantly edgy Spike Jonze and co-written by Dave Eggers, took the No. 1 spot at the box office last weekend with $32.5 million.

Interestingly, this is less of a children's movie than a movie about childhood. Moviegoers 18 and over accounted for 43 percent of the audience while parents with children made up just 27 percent, according to distributor Warner Bros.

I don't care about any of that. I'm probably the only member of Generation X who never read the book. For what it's worth, my wife and I did take our 4½-year-old daughter to the movie last weekend, and I thought it was boring. But the important thing is that my little girl loved it.

Did you catch that? All Americans need to take a deep breath and repeat after me: Not everything has to be about you. Sometimes you take your child to a movie, and, if you don't like it, you keep your mouth shut and enjoy the popcorn.

In the film, Max acts out in ugly and violent ways, and winds up shouting at and biting his mother before running away from home. Once on the island, the monsters Max encounters are moody, clingy, and occasionally violent. You know, like Max.

All week, I've been reading about how many parents are wringing their hands over the movie, worried that it is too scary, too gloomy, too violent and too apt to inspire bad behavior in children. One father reports that his daughter saw the movie and then promptly came home and bit her mother.

Yep, the movie's definitely to blame for that -- better a bad movie than bad parenting.

I don't think we've done my daughter irreparable harm by exposing her to the Wild Things. I'm not losing any sleep over it, and -- to prove it -- my wife informs me that I dozed off for a few minutes in the theater.

No, the reason that the 81-year-old Sendak is my king is because of what he said during a recent Newsweek interview that was intended to promote the film but no doubt wound up offending parents all over the country. It went like this:

Reporter: "What do you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?"

Sendak: "I would tell them to go to hell. That's a question I will not tolerate."

Reporter: "Because kids can handle it?"

Sendak: "If they can't handle it, go home. Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

Sendak: "This concentration on kids being scared, as though we as adults can't be scared. Of course we're scared. I'm scared of watching a TV show about vampires. I can't fall asleep. It never stops. We're grown-ups; we know better, but we're afraid."

Reporter: "Why is that important in art?"

Sendak: "Because it's truth. You don't want to do something that's all terrifying. I saw the most horrendous movies that were unfit for child's eyes. So what? I managed to survive."

Remember, this guy is 81 years old. I miss the way people used to be. A couple of generations ago, parents didn't worry about whether kids were happy all the time or comfortable 24/7 or wrapped in protective coating. Of course, they didn't want their children hurt. But it's hard to imagine they would have spent much time and effort trying to keep kids from being scared.
Quite the contrary, they used to tell them scary stories at bedtime or on camping trips -- usually the kind intended to frighten little ones into behaving correctly. "And then one day, all the kids who didn't listen to their mommies and daddies just disappeared. ..."

I get it. We really, really, really like our children. In fact, we love our children and we think they're the most precious little darlings ever created, and so naturally we want to protect them. And we should protect them from some things -- predators, disease, abuse, etc. But we shouldn't protect them from all things. And we certainly can't protect them from life. And part of life is getting scared now and then. In time, we learn to separate reality from fantasy.

And yet, while one infamous set of parents could face criminal charges for pretending their son was in a balloon, other parents think nothing of keeping their kids in a bubble.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Ruben Navarrette Jr.

A Different Type of Patience

I've been going through changes. Changes that may not be seen to the naked eye quite yet (I still look the same) but I'm feeling them. Big time.

I've been more withdrawn than I used to be but not in a miserable "I am cranky" kind of way. Rather, in a "I just want to take care of myself" kind of way. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut about things though it appears that sometimes I get myself in trouble by not telling people what I've been thinking. Sometimes not saying something can cause a tense situation to take shape. Oh well. You live and you learn. I don't always want to invite everyone to everything it appears. I only want to spend time with the people I really like.

Honestly, it's not intended to be snobbery. It's just intended to be me giving myself some room to figure out how I want my life to be... just for me. It's me wanting to take care of myself in a way I never have before. There's no one else to do it, after all. I see how my friends look as I sit with them at dinner and I know I look different. They look really nice, I look not so nice. They look like women who know how to make themselves look good, they look like women who care about their presentation. They look like women who take the time. Part of this problem is my lack of weight loss thus far. The other is my clothing. I don't have that many nice pieces at this point, I want to go out and get them but I want to lose some weight first. I don't want to have ten outfits that are too big in a month or two. Meanwhile, I have to wear jeans everywhere and tops that I'm less than confident in.

December 11... I will get to finally get over a rather large hump. The kind of hump that's been holding me back. Credit card debt. Waiting for this... on top of the weight loss... is a biggie. Once this is in order, I can get my budget in better order. Then I can get my wardrobe in order. I know, I know, I know... that I'm not supposed to be looking at life like "I'll be happy when..." but the fact of the matter is, I'm simply looking forward to a time when things are a bit more evened out. I'm looking forward to being a girl again - clothes, makeup, etc. Right now I just don't feel it, I don't feel the use of any of it since concrete changes are right around the bend. Not that I'm depressed... I'm really not. I'm just trying to be patient in a way that I've never had to be before.

What I Love About Baseball

(Particularly Phillies baseball.)

After a major win, the fans come out of their homes, after the last ball is hit and caught, there is something in the air. In these moments, there is nothing more spiritually charged than the aftermath of the great American past time. During those intense moments everyone is on their feet. No creeds, no religions, no ethnicity. In those moments neither money nor the past matter. In one city, thousands upon thousands of people are cheering for and hoping for the same exact thing. They are all hoping for the win. If only this mentality could so easily be spread to other areas of life, world peace just might be possible.

Yes, it's a sport which means someone wins and someone loses. But, learn from the players... no need to hate the other team... they chat with each other while waiting on base.

In a city like Philadelphia (as well as so many others around the country) when things are moving along, everyone buys into the hope of the win. Everyone (that is - everyone who has even a minor interest in the sport, everyone who has any team/city spirit whatsoever) is hoping that justice prevails and that the good guy comes out on top.

Whether the players are jogging around the field or moving as fast as they possibly can, it is interesting to think that at some point, not too terribly long ago... many of them were sitting in the back of a history class somewhere, sitting in the front of an algebra class somewhere else. They sat there hoping the teacher didn't call on them because they simply did not know the answer. They are just people, like you and me. Except now they get to listen to the hoots and hollers of fans as they round the bases.

They worked hard to get there. If only we were willing to work so hard... imagine that.

In the last seconds, there is silence, as if an entire city hold it's collective breath at once. You move closer to the TV, rather involuntarily, and you jump up as the second of "win" collects in the air. Then - almost without warning - a city erupts. Not in violence but in celebration. All you can do at that point is be thankful you were there to see a dream come true.

Dreams often falter under the weight of living. Hopes get squashed and drive turns to nothing but sputter and stall. Then - suddenly - a batter steps to the plate. Opportunity comes around for the little boys grown up, little boys in a man sized suit, playing a game. Possibility is real. At that plate stands someone who shows you, in everyday ware, that it can happen - something can happen as long as you keep trying.

The game they play has outlasted strikes, boredom and loss. Just as relationships and the long road to our own dreams hold. Stick it out. Not easy but possible.

There is a spirit, a love, a passion that goes beyond the everyday and finds it's way into the average man's (or woman's) heart. It is in the crack of the bat, the soar of the ball, the glove of a man momentarily turned demi-god. Late bills, the noisy neighbors, and the job you hate fall to the wayside. What you are witnessing is the human spirit come alive. This is baseball. And when your team wins, it is nothing less than radiant, nothing less than glorious. It is hope. It is faith seen. It is hoping for the best and waiting it out until it finally shows up. It is love in action.

And that is what I love about baseball.

Boring As That

I jumped on the treadmill last night. And I walked and walked and walked and walked. Then I ran out to the grocery store this morning and stocked myself to the gills. Better foods, fewer calories. Simple as that. Way back when I used to go to the gym all the time, I had a plan to knock off the initial weight and it worked. I miss that plan. I'm going back to that plan. I've lost serious poundage before and I'm going to again.

I have no doubt that I'm able, as long as I stick to my plan... which is a permanent plan... not just a diet plan. This sounds redundant, I realize. I just have to keep reminding myself so that when I do join the gym again (hopefully next week) - I will remember what I'm doing and what I'm going for. Once spring gets here, I am going to start training for the bike ride.

Redundant is boring. I realize that at this moment this is a rather boring post. Sorry about that.

EVEN SUCH IS TIME

-Sir Walter Raleigh

Even such is time, that takes in trust
Our youth, our joys, our all we have,
And pays us but with earth and dust;
Who, in the dark and silent grave,
When we have wandered all our ways,
Shuts up the story of our days:
But from this earth, this grave, this dust,
My God shall raise me up, I trust.

Off to Wild, Wonderful West Virginia

Off to West Virginia for a weekend. Earlier in the week I was busy thinking it wasn't a good time but today I'm thinking differently. I think it's probably coming at it's best time. It'll give me plenty of time to sleep, to try my new meds, to read (finally going to finish up She's Come Undone and start the Outliers), to write and to take a few good, long walks. West Virginia is not necessarily exciting but I am looking forward to making my grandfather smile. We'll probably get there while he's at his dance meeting new ladyfolk. Did I ever tell you my grandfather is a bit on the playboy side? He dates more than I do. At 82.

Going to see my beloved tomorrow too. He's closer to my pop-pop's tiny unincorporated town than he is to here (by far) so I'm taking the opportunity. Looking forward to seeing him.

My horoscope today said that my life is about to take off. But, that I should watch my confidence because too much of it can put people off. I like that one... it's hopeful. I'm not sure about too much confidence but who knows?

Random Thought #6

"The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again."

-taken from a forward

Extended Release

We shall see. My doctor is switching things up just a smidge on me. We shall see if it works better. She's changing my dosage and the type of medication I normally take. Still the same brand, just going to try out the new extended release instead of upping my dosage with the regular type. Why? Because the anxiety is getting to me. I've been walking around with this sense of anxiety for weeks and quite frankly, it's getting on my fucking nerves.

She said I should be able to get up easier on this new stuff. And she said I won't be as dead to the world quite as quickly at night. It'll take a few extra hours before I feel the full sedating effect, which will be a nice change. I gotta admit.

She's also really not thrilled about my rotating shifts. She said especially during the winter months, it's hard on anyone... even harder when you're dealing with a mood disorder. I told her I can't ask for more than what my work has given me at this point. She did, however, offer another doctor's note, just in case things do get worse than what they are now.

The good news is that I'm functioning. I may be walking around with a knot in my stomach every day, I may be walking around with some momentary confusion and with dissociation (the feeling that I'm not attached to my body, as if I were in a movie) periodically but I am functioning. Which is way better than what I know it can be.

Hurry Up and Wait

So I was planning to join the gym tonight but that's not going to happen now. I think I'll have to wait until next week. Or maybe even a couple weeks. Which stinks (since I was so pumped up about it) but financially it's the only thing I can do. It's all the extra setup fees that I hadn't even thought of that's making me have to wait. Lately, I've been getting the feeling that my patience is being tested. Everything I'd like to have going on seems to be placed on hold.

And I'm stuck listening to really bad elevator music in the process. But, oh well... sometimes "wait" is the only answer you'll get. Meanwhile, I've just got to figure out how to pass the time without getting cranky.

Joining a Gym

It's kind of like this... I need to take the next few months and get myself rolling right along again. I have to. I feel like I'm dying inside otherwise but it's not as easy as I had figured it would be. I kind of figured I'd have all sorts of alone time but that doesn't seem to be the case. Not that I haven't had any but I guess I thought it'd be more.

Tomorrow night, I will go join a gym. I've decided on RetroFitness because it's only $20 a month. I need to for multiple reasons. 1) I've got to lose this extra weight. I feel uncomfortable physically, I feel uncomfortable mentally and I miss wearing clothes I like. All of which leads to lower self esteem. At least for me. 2) I want to quit smoking soon and I need to be able to rev up my working out because of potential weight gain. 3) I want to be in good enough shape to start training for the bike ride next year. 4) I just feel better all the way around when I do work out, mentally and physically. 5) Very simply, it'll help me to be healthy. 6) Next summer, I want to wear a bathing suit.

No reason not to, really. For $20 a month.

Peace Quote #2

"Today, contemplate the meaning of acceptance. Can you accept that you are whole and that nothing is wrong with you—just as you are? Experience the peace that acceptance brings."

-enneagraminstitute.com

Rumor Mill

One's past needs to be left behind. Yes, it helps to make you who you are but we can't hold onto it. You hold onto it, you get stuck. You stay in a rut. You dwell and live in what's not right now. As someone who's trying to leave it all behind and live a new life, I keep reminding myself of this. As someone who's still trying to heal from all sorts of bad memories, I keep reminding myself of this. I like to think I'm successful more often than not... trying to make things good instead of bad.

However - once in a while, the past comes back to bite you. You may be a very different person than you were before but still there are skeletons. Last night, I was bitten by my past. Made me shake, honestly. There are things I've done that I'm not proud of and there are things that people have said I've done that I did not do. Things sometimes spread around towns and from person to person with a steadiness that amazes me. The thing is, what you did twelve years ago shouldn't mean anything if you're not that person anymore. Some of us do actually learn from our mistakes.

Getting a random text message asking if you've done this, that or the other thing... things you acknowledge but don't live anymore... it just stings. As if that's who you are and who you'll always be. Makes me sick to know that anyone was talking about me in that capacity... especially since some of it is fiction. Growing up, getting through my 20's, I had hoped other people would too.

Quiet Miracles

If you could have one small, quiet miracle today, what would it be?

- From Grief To Grace, Helen R. Lambin

Many of us are looking for our miracle. We are waiting, hoping, and some of us are praying. What does our miracle look like?

It is different for everyone. Some of us would like a cure, some of us would like a job, some of us would like to not feel the pain of loss. Some of us are hoping that we meet someone who can love us and whom we can love. Some of us are hoping for all of the above or none of the above. Still, many of us want something… something big.

However, in the grand scheme of things many of the big miracles take little miracles to be achieved. It takes one small step at a time, not always huge leaps and bounds. It takes treatment after treatment for the illness. Each time, you can hope that blood counts will be where they need to be or that the dosage keeps things in check. It takes writing up a resume and sending it out. It takes looking online or in the paper to see what is available to find that job. It takes getting through one day at a time to get over loss, whether it is big or small, until the loss is part of your landscape, no longer taking over who you are.

It takes being the person you really are to find your soulmate, “special someone”, or other sickeningly sweet title. It takes the little steps in knowing yourself, where you are headed and who you want to be to find the person who fits you best. The little steps in this? Questioning yourself, digging deeper and discovering what you think life consists of, what you value, is a long process… one which many people don’t start until late in life, after many a failed relationship and many disappointments. Discovering what makes you tick takes little step by little step.

So, the question remains… what do you want today? Granted, a lottery win does sound nice… but that would be a big miracle, not the little kind that helps you get to where you want to go… not the kind you can hope for every single day and possibly, very realistically incur.

What do you ask for? What little miracle would just help you make your way to what you really, deeply and truly want? The miracle is that you keep working toward something instead of standing still. A miracle, by definition, is something extraordinary. There is nothing ordinary in moving ahead instead of deciding “this is as good as it gets” when you know it could be better. Many, many people will spend most, if not all, of their lives stagnant. Not by circumstance but by choice. I do not want you nor I to be the people who have decided to live on a plateau, where only a tornado coming mixes things up a bit.

What small, quiet miracle would you have today?

Jerry's Attitude

- Author unknown

Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in the restaurant business...he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'BULLETS!'

Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Random Thought #5

"I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger."

-taken from a forward

Oh Well

I liked him. Haven't heard from him (as previously mentioned) and now it's done. Heard from him last night. In the middle of the night. Apparently he isn't ready. Text me at 3AM because it's been eating him up.

Not sure what exactly he's not ready for since he never actually inquired as to what I'm looking for but I'll accept it. I liked him. This sucks.

Told him that if he feels like contacting me in the future, I'm ok with that. But - that's that. Done and over with. Can't actually decide for myself what I want to do next.

Do I rejoin match again? Or do I just go about my daily life and assume some mens will come along? I don't really want to spend the money on match so I guess I'll just have to go about my life.

Still, this stinks. Though maybe I should just be happy... my life is wide open again, no need to feel like I have to do any one course of action in particular. I think I'll stick with that feeling as best as I can. I liked him enough to stick with him, if he had wanted it too. But, I am not exactly feeling desperate enough to throw myself at anyone. If nothing else, at least I know how it feels to not settle now. That's something.

The Walls of Jericho

It was a Jewish adage in which a father was teaching his little son to be less afraid, to have more courage. "Jump!" he said, "and I'll catch you." And the little boy trusted him, and the little boy jumped. And when his father caught him, he felt filled with love. And when he didn't, he was filled with something else, something more...Life.

-Then She Found Me

Imagine everything is rolling along. Your usual days... something annoying here, something funny there, something boring underneath and something wonderful up above. It's just your usual nine to five workday; it's your usual Monday to Friday week. The seasons are changing as they do more months than not and the year is a non-descript one. Not the worst, not the best, it just is.

You're cruising along, hoping for the really good stuff but content with what you've got. You make changes and decisions and you learn how to live a little better - for you. You finally feel good about how you know yourself and how you relate to the world in general, even though you are still quite aware there is so much left to learn. Some of it scares you but you're not there yet so why get into a panic about what could be? You're doing alright.

Then - you hit a brick wall. You literally have to stop in your tracks and look up, look around, figure out what's going on. Why do you feel so lost? Why is the refrigerator empty and why hasn't your hair been getting washed at it's healthiest frequency? Why aren't you exercising? Why aren't you able to reason out what should have rolled right off your back? Why aren't you able to see a way around this wall? Why does this wall look more formidable than the walls of Jericho? No matter how loud you yell, nothing's shaking, nothing's falling, nothing's coming down.

Is this it? Is it going to get better? Is this who I really am? Why am I this way? Why does everything hurt so much? Why am I obsessing? When did I start obsessing? Why can't I stop obsessing? Am I driving everyone off? It's best if I keep to myself but I need people right now. Where's God? Why'd He allow any of us to be made this way? Maybe if I ask for help... I'll be lucky enough to get back to my non-descript year, my basic workweek. Maybe the knots will disappear from my stomach for a while, maybe for good... I'd be happy with a while. Why have I always attracted so many hurts to myself? Is it because of this fucking wall? The one that's liable to show up whenever the temperature drops a bit? Or because my hormones are a bit on the intense side? Do they see this wall? Do I bring the wall with me? How can I leave it behind when there's no hope that it will go away for good - in this life? Why am I lashing out like an animal in a corner?

Can someone love me regardless?

I don't want pity but I ask for understanding. I'll be back around once the wall starts to crumble. And I'll be back around for quite a while before the wall builds back up again. My knowledge, my esteem, my confidence will be back too. Though sometimes the wall has a mirror finish so looking at all you are and all you've done is unavoidable unless you go backwards. Being reminded is haunting.

I refuse to go backwards.

Two roads diverged in the woods, one less traveled by is the one I have chosen and the one given to me. I had no chance on the other one but this is a fact I'm ok with, once the wall gives way to some light.

The only thing that concerns me still - am I too much to take? I have no choice but to embrace the embarrassment, the uncertainty, the lack of knowing when, if, or how it might affect me again. Who I might scare off - and who might just let it be.

There are no concrete lessons hiding in the bricks, even once they've crumbled, you've just got to hop over the foundation and try to pick up where you last left off.

It's A Life

The last week has been pretty tough for me. I nearly ignored my medical needs two weekends in a row which sent me spiraling out of control. Plus, the discomfort I've felt with someone I love became forefront in my mind. It hurt. In a way that I haven't hurt since prior to get medication going through my veins. I screwed myself up but I'm not going to let it get me down too much. I refuse to take myself out back and slap myself with a switch about this. I'm human and I'm young and I'd really like to just be able to live a good, non-complicated life.

There will always be complications but I'm starting to get used to the idea of relaxing alot more. It hasn't been easy yet but it's getting there. And now that I've been almost completely back on track with my medications for almost a week, it's going better. And I've taken a step to talk something out with one of my favorite people, even if it's scary to do.

Talking about my emotions is alot harder for me than I realized. At least in a one on one capacity. When I've tried, I usually failed but I've got to get myself back up and try again. I need to be able to do it though. If I ever really want the healthy relationships that I strive for, I've got to say what I'm feeling sometimes. When it bothers me as much as it did this last week, I really need to put it out there. It's a new goal.

As for my non-busy schedule keeping, I'm doing well. It was nice to go visit mom on her birthday because I didn't have something scheduled.

Tomorrow, I have to write up my restaurant week review for the examiner. And I have to post it. And I'll do the around the house kind of stuff before coming to work. My old life used to sound so much more exciting to me. Now it seems dull in comparison. Weird.

Ok - stream of consciousness post over.

Peace Quote #1

Another series I'll be adding onto from time to time... helpful hints for a peaceful mind:

"I now affirm that only the feelings I act on express who I am." (Enneagram Transformations, 64)