Saturday, February 28, 2009

Dehumanization

Dehumanize - transitive verb - to deprive of human qualities, personality, or spirit
(from Marriam-Webster.com)

I never in a million years would have thought I'd do it. Or that I'd want to. Well, I don't exactly want to but I need to. And I sort of want to. But, I think what scares me about getting his phone number blocked is merely the fact that it means I've given up all hope. Hope that he'd treat me like a person. An actual real person with thoughts and feelings and some sort of value.

Dehumanize is a transitive verb... which means it is done to someone, inflicted on someone or something. In this case... that someone is me. And the worst part... he's not the only one. Far from it. Dehumanization is a cancer in our emotional/mental lives. Once you allow it, as I have, it gets worse and worse. The original starting place for me was in high school. The three years of grounding. Then after high school I found myself in plenty of situations where I was denied love and respect. Not just love and respect, really. I was denied compassion or acknowledgment of having feelings, of being completely real. I am sure my disorder did play a part into this to a degree. But, I don't believe that's why it has continued to this day. It has continued to this day because it's so ingrained in me. My lack of value is so apparent that certain people in my life pick up on it and use it for themselves. The uses have been varied and the gratification much - in several different ways.

How did I end up so broken? Not unfixable... but really, really broken. How did I end up thinking about taking a handful of my pills last night instead of just my regular dosage? How does one simple text, asking me to degrade myself AGAIN, lead me there? How is this what I allow? Or how is it that I, for even a moment, figure that is the right solution? I'm scared it's never going to stop. I'm scared that there's always going to be that someone who wants to use me so drastically and they will always be there. That's the only reason I think that way. But, I am the one who has to make it stop. At least as best as I can. I have to remember, too, all of the people in my life. The apartment full of folks I had over when the text came in. They actually want to spend time with me and they are not looking for anything except friendship and caring. Same as me.

I'm so worn out, people. And as of right now, his number has been blocked from my phone. Anyone who makes me feel that badly, that is so willing to help me reinforce this brokeness should simply be no part of my life whatsoever.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Bruising

This week has been ugly. Ugly and tiring and pretty depressing. It started out with roses... but ended up just leaving me feeling shaky and worn out. The shaky is partly physical. The worn out is mostly emotional.

The end of a year and a half long dysfunctional not "serious" but emotionally driven relationship (at least for me), another looking really good but fading out situation, and the goodbye to my boss who strangely meant alot to me. I say strangely because more people around here complained about the guy than liked him. At least in my little department.

The week started out waking up next to someone I thought there was potential for something good with and then careening down the side of a mountain over and over again. I'm left with a bruise on my left thigh that made biff and Grammy both cringe and kind of make an "Oh God" noise. Both of them sort of twisted away. The bruise is bad but the emotional bruises aren't healing quite as quickly.

Saying goodbye to Jackass has been an unpleasant experience. Not because I lost anything. I mean, all I'm ultimately giving up is alot of heartache and disappointment delivered on a unicycle. (And I do mean that literally folks, he unicycled on occasion and I thought it was cute at the time.) I think the most unpleasant part of the experience is recognizing how awfully some people can treat you. Regardless of how much time they spend on you... or how well they treat you. And it's not as though he was the first to behave that way toward me. I forgive but I don't tend to forget. Especially not all the little incidents that build up to become one gigantic ball of shit. But, I'm changing that. I'm fixing it. I'm going to do better from now on. Even if I have to let myself heal from the internal bruises for a little while. And possibly endure just a few more.

My Lenten promise... to be honest with myself and express my boundaries well.

When it comes to my boss, there's not too much to say. He was very good to me last year when I had to take my medical leave. And he was also a guy that I very simply liked. Yes, he and my dad were friends. And though they may not have been super-duper close, I still know he had some impact in our personal life. Dad makes wine because of him now. And it makes me sad for him. For the loss he must be feeling. And entire career now dissolved to what would be a dishonorable discharge if we were actually military. All because some dumbasses didn't think they would get in trouble for doing something illegal with company assets. The bruise from that one was my wake up call, I suppose.

The lesson for this week: life can beat you up. And you can overcome it. But, sometimes people do get what they don't deserve. Though I believe they'll eventually be repaid (and I will too), it isn't always so obvious when the bruises are just beginning to appear on the surface. Sometimes the bruises get larger and darker before they begin to heal. And at some time, they'll come to us all.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Closed Door

It was so much easier than I expected. But that doesn't mean I didn't cry, because I did. For a little while. Then I just talked and talked and talked and talked and spilled myself all over Grammy. Not literally, of course. She's always known alot about me, now she knows just a little more.

Jackass, as I am calling him now, instead of cutest boy ever... text me. Just a few short hours after I had already deleted his number. Because as far as I'm concerned, he hurt me for the last time the night before when I started flipping out. No one deserves to get any kind of negative treatment from me based on his behavior or anyone from my past's behavior. I will, from now on, treat each person in my life on their own merit. What they do and say... not what my warped emotions say they "might" be doing.

I've been treated badly for long enough. From now on, I won't be dicked around. I will not accept less than what I deserve. Which is caring and respect and all that stuff. I will be valued and it will be obvious to me that I am valued. Funny how me telling him it's too late to take me to dinner and then wishing him well but saying goodbye can put everything in perspective. If I could do it with him, I'll be able to do it with others a whole bunch easier. I needed to get past this... had to get over the hump.

I'm worth alot. And as Grammy told me... "anyone who has the opportunity to be with you is ridiculously lucky". (She actually wrote "isn't" but I knew what she meant.) Then she followed it up with reminding me that I need to cut myself a break sometimes... maybe she's right. But, it seems, everytime I cut myself a break it comes back to bite me in the ass later. Which is why I stopped cutting myself breaks a long time ago.

Still... as of today I'm starting over again. With everything. Or, almost everything. One door closes... another opens. Or so they say.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Mind-Dump

Classy title, I know.

Tuesday, Feb 24th, 2009 -- Today's New Moon is in your 8th House of Intimacy and you are no longer satisfied in a partnership if the other person cannot match your level of intensity. You don't have a wide spectrum of responses now when it comes to expressing your intentions. For you, it's either all or nothing with very little in between. You can avoid disappointment by realizing that the fulfillment of a promise may not mean as much to someone else as it does to you.


That was my horoscope today. And I couldn't begin to tell you how true it is. It's that scary kind of horoscope... the kind that speaks to you. They certainly aren't like that every day. But, today... it is. The promise: asking me to dinner back in January.

Last night I freaked out. It was irrational and stupid. And it echoed the sounds of my old self. And that's what bothers me so much. I'm feeling really shaken up today because of it. I'm feeling weak and tired. It took alot out of me. And what was it about? The former cutest boy ever. All he did and didn't do to and for me. All of the times he left me disappointed with no other alternatives but to be upset. No real apologies, no explanations. Just, I'm going to treat you like crap knowingly... and you'll take it. Simple as that. In fact, I'm going to abandon this thing whenever I want and you'll be waiting for me when I'm ready to treat you to a dose of neglect again. I'm going to say whatever I have to say to get what I want and I will show no conscience about doing so. I'm going to make it clear that everything else in my life is more important than treating you with even an ounce of real respect. And you're going to take it. Because that's who you are and what I think of you.

And even though I'm not anymore, it's simply time for me to acknowledge how much being treated like that hurt me. How much it got into my subconscious and started fucking with me. How much I expect every other guy to be the same way. Ultimately. Especially if they're dealing with me and I'm attracted to them.

I told biff last night that if God had a suggestion box, I'd be putting in lots of complaints. But, that's not fair. I had plenty of people along the way tell me what I should do. Get away from him. And I didn't listen. I did have to come to it on my own. Why it took me a year and a half, I don't know. Will it ever take me that long again, I don't think so. I hope not. I pray not.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Dead and Gone

I've been travelin
On this road too long
Just trying to find
My way back home
The old me
Is dead and gone
Dead and gone

-Dead and Gone, TI feat Justin Timberlake


I will go to therapy today. And I'll sit across from my therapist. And I'll probably just shake me head, smile huge and say... here's my list of what I need from someone for the relationship to be a success. At least on my side. The list looks nothing like it would have years ago. And it's taken quite some time for me to figure it out. The list isn't long. Six things, total. And, no, I'm not going to share them at this time.

The cutest boy ever is gone. I'm done with it. First I was frustrated. Then I found myself feeling bored with the situation. And last, I just decided I don't enjoy being treated badly by anyone. Even him.

And I let it go, with no desire go any further. With no desire to even go to the dinner he told me he'd take me to.

Now there's someone new in the picture. We can't seem to stop communicating with each other. I haven't gotten butterflies like this in about, oh, 11.5 years. That's when I was eighteen folks, that's when I first found a connection with my ex. And if it turns out that this amazing feeling is the beginning of something that's meant to last eight years or beyond, like before... I will be dubbing him "the best guy ever". But, for now... we'll call him "wait and see".

Buh-bye cutest boy ever. You really, really don't deserve that title anymore so I'm stripping you of the crown. Took me way too long to get here but I like where here has landed me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Gandhi

I have been coming up with at least one new blog idea a day. Or one new theme since I was last able to write a bit. Now I can't decide which idea to roll with. So, I'll talk about one of my personal heroes. Well, he's one of many people's heroes but I take a special fondness to him as anyone who's ever received an email from me, from work may have noticed.

Gandhi.

Over the weekend I got to watching the movie again. And my heart fell aflutter. I find myself with a strange postmortem crush on "the little brown man from India". The spiritual and moral leader that gave his life for what he believed in. While the movie was only one aspect and really, generally the only aspect I have been exposed to, aside from small readings here and there about him. I just feel such a sense of connection. Of all the modern day people, including many other great men and women, he seemed to have gotten it the most right. In my opinion. He was a Hindu but did not discount other religions. In the movie, at least he would occasionally reference Christ's teachings too. As well as common sense but well thought out arguments. He was just amazing.

Still, I recognize that this was a movie meant to pay homage to him so it was going to be flattering. (Unlike "W", which I got to be bored by last week.) But, still... it gave me something else to strive for. The kind of understanding and love and peace he was looking for. He and his reluctant at first wife. And while the movie may have focused on what others saw as most important about him, it's a wonder what he would have thought was most important about his life.

And he was shot for his beliefs. Which usually means he was doing something right, sadly. Not always, of course. But often.

"No man's life can be encompassed in one telling. There is no way to give each year it's allotted weight, to include each event, each person who helped to shape a lifetime. What can be done is to be faithful in spirit to the record and try to find one's way to the heart of man..."

- introduction to Gandhi, the movie

I recommend this to anyone who wants an inspiration for what the true desire for peace and truth is not only like but how it is also lived.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ack!

What the? I'm never this busy. But, today I'm crazy busy. Between actually doing work, emails, and planning the snow tubing trip this weekend... ack! I want to write in my blog! And I want to answer all of my emails!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Uncle Frank

Uncle Frank passed away. He wasn't my uncle but, rather, my sister in friend's uncle. I didn't know him well so I can't give much of a eulogy. He was 92 and had lived a long life. Though that doesn't necessarily make it easy for those who loved him. I saw him last back in January at my nephew's birthday party. By looking at him one would not have guessed that about a month later, on Valentine's Day no less, that he'd be meeting the Big Guy in the sky. (No, I don't actually think God is in the sky quite literally.) I wonder what they had to say to each other. I wonder if they even use words of some sort or if it's just thoughts and feelings and love. I guess I'm feeling mushy today.

I am sorry for those who are left behind and I'm sorry to hear of their loss. It's a painful thing to say goodbye sometimes.

I am especially sad for one man who is left behind. Sister in friend said he has no one else but his girlfriend, or is it fiance at this point? Either way, he's very much alone in the world and that's very sad. Though, it makes me grateful to have so many amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and downright awesome people in my life. Lots of friends and family too. While I've been feeling estranged from everyone lately, due to work, I know that I am not really. I will bounce back and my loved ones will still be there. I've been blessed with that and relative good health, which is another thing that neither he nor his woman have. Good enough health that I can feel the pain in my abs from the new workout I did yesterday. Because I'm healthy enough to be able to exercise like that.

To Uncle Frank, thank you for enriching the lives of my sister in friend's family as well as my own. You were pretty spry and I didn't get to know you until you were old already. But, you lived, dammit... in a way that clearly, not everyone learns how to. You did it up, up until you were 92. God bless.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Bugaboo's Return

R u still on match? - from a number I don't know.

Who's this? - me

Len from a few months back. - from the number I don't know.

I thought you were overseas. - me

Overseas? No. I'm from Puerto Rico though some people consider that overseas. - from Len, whose number I have long since deleted.

Oh. Different Len. - me

R u still on match? - Len

I just went back on for the last two weeks before my subscription runs out. I'm not renewing. - me

Yea. Lots of people on there only want to be friends. They're confused. - Len (There is a reason you keep getting the "just friends" thing from people, Len, they're not confused at all.)

Nothing to text back - me

I live in the capital of Jersey, where do u live? - Len

We tried this before, I don't have any interest in doing it again. Best of luck to you. - me

2 u 2 - Len.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Depth of Kermit


Everyone and everything's got a back story. Some more interesting than others. Personally, it's the people who see how what they've done makes them who they are the most interesting. The ones with some depth. The ones who see the good choices and the bad choices they've made, without always blaming others for what went wrong. So... in a search for depth and back story... I present you with the back story of 20of the Muppets characters.


Surprising stories behind 20 Muppet characters

By Stacy Conradt (Mental Floss)

-- Like a lot of people, I grew up on Sesame Street and the Muppets. But did you ever stop to wonder where they came from?

Many Muppets came from humble origins; Kermit once was made of a coat and ping-pong balls.

Some of the characters we know and love were recycled from other TV shows and commercials Jim Henson worked on, while others were invented by using whatever materials were around.
Be prepared for a little nostalgia, and I hope I didn't leave out your favorite -- not all of the characters have interesting background stories (sorry, Big Bird).

1. Cookie Monster: Jim Henson drew some monsters eating various snacks for a General Foods commercial in 1966. The commercial was never used, but Henson recycled one of the monsters (the "Wheel-Stealer") for an IBM training video in 1967 and again for a Fritos commercial in 1969. By that time, he had started working on Sesame Street and decided this monster would have a home there.

2. Elmo: The way it's described by a Sesame Street writer, apparently this extra red puppet was just lying around. People would try to do something with him, but nothing really panned out. In 1984, puppeteer Kevin Clash picked up the red puppet and started doing the voice and the personality and it clicked -- thus, Elmo was born.

3. Telly Monster was originally the Television Monster when he debuted in 1979. He was obsessed with TV and his eyes would whirl around as if hypnotized whenever he was in front of a set. After a while, producers started worrying about his influence on youngsters, so they changed him to make him the chronic worrier he is now.

4. Count von Count made his first appearance in 1972 and was made out of an Anything Muppet pattern -- a blank Muppet head that could have features added to it to make various characters. He used to be more sinister -- he was able to hypnotize and stun people and he laughed in typical scary-villain-type fashion after completing a count of something and thunder and lightning would occur.
He was quickly made more appealing to little kids, though. He is apparently quite the ladies' man -- he has been linked to Countess von Backward, who loves to count backward; Countess Dahling von Dahling and Lady Two.

5. Kermit was "born" in 1955 and first showed up on "Sam and Friends," a five-minute puppet show by Jim Henson. The first Kermit was made out of Henson's mom's coat and some ping pong balls. At the time, he was more lizard-like than frog-like. By the time he showed up on Sesame Street in 1969, though, he had made the transition to frog. There are rumors that he got the name Kermit from a childhood friend of Henson's or a puppeteer from the early days of the Muppets, but Henson always refuted both of those rumors.

6. Real Swedish Chef Lars "Kuprik" Bäckman claims he was the inspiration for the Swedish Chef. He was on "Good Morning America," he says, and caught Jim Henson's eye. Henson supposedly bought the rights to the show's recording and created the Swedish Chef (who DOES have a real name, but it's not understandable). One of the Muppet writers, Jerry Juhl, says that in all of the years of working with Jim Henson on the Swedish Chef, he never heard that the character was based on a real person.

7. Animal: The Who's Keith Moon may have inspired everyone's favorite member of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. This is speculation, but people who support the theory will point out that Jim Henson named one of the Fraggle Rock characters "Wembley," which is the town where Moon was born.

8. Miss Piggy is apparently from Iowa. She started as a minor character on "The Muppet Show," but anyone who knows Miss Piggy can see that she wouldn't settle for anything "minor." Her first TV appearance was actually on an Herb Alpert special. It wasn't until 1976, when "The Muppet Show" premiered, that she became the glamorous blonde with a penchant for frog that we know and love today. Frank Oz once said that Miss Piggy grew up in Iowa; her dad died when she was young and her mother was mean. She had to enter beauty contests to make money.

9. Rowlf the Dog, surprise, surprise, was first made in 1962 for a series of Purina Dog Chow commercials. He went on to claim fame as Jimmy Dean's sidekick on The Jimmy Dean Show and was on every single episode from 1963 to 1966. Jimmy Dean said Rowlf got about 2,000 letters from fans every week. He was considered for Sesame Street but ended up becoming a regular on "The Muppet Show" in 1976.

10. Oscar the Grouch is performed by the same guy who does Big Bird, Carroll Spinney. Spinney said he based Oscar's cranky voice on a particular New York cab driver he once had the pleasure of riding with. He was originally an alarming shade of orange. In Pakistan, his name is Akhtar and he lives in an oil barrel. In Turkey, he is Kirpik and lives in a basket. And in Israel, it's not Oscar at all -- it's his cousin, Moishe Oofnik, who lives in an old car.

11. Gonzo: What exactly is Gonzo? Nobody knows. Even Jim Henson had no particular species in mind. Over the course of "The Muppet Show," "Muppet Babies" and various Muppet movies, Gonzo has been referred to as a "Whatever", a "Weirdo" and an alien. Whatever he is, he first appeared on the scene in 1970's The Great Santa Claus Switch. His name was Snarl the Cigar Box Frackle. In 1974, he showed up on a TV special for Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. He became Gonzo the Great by the first season of The Muppet Show and developed his thing for Camilla the Chicken almost accidentally: During one episode where chickens were auditioning for the show, puppeteer Dave Goelz ad-libbed, "Don't call us, we'll call you... nice legs, though!" It was decided then and there that Gonzo would have a bizarre romantic interest in chickens.

12. You have to love Statler and Waldorf. I couldn't find much on their particular inspiration, but I can tell you that they've been around since the 1975 "Muppet Show" pilot. They are named after popular New York City hotels (the Statler Hotel was renamed the Hotel Pennsylvania in 1992.) Guess what Waldorf's wife name is? Yep... Astoria (she looks startlingly like Statler.) FYI, Waldorf is the one with the mustache and white hair. Statler has the grey hair. Apparently Waldorf has had a pacemaker for more than 30 years.

13. Beaker: I always thought of Beaker and his buddy Bunsen Honeydew as characters that came along later in the Muppet timeline, but they have been around since the "The Muppet Show." Although Beaker usually says things along the lines of, "Mee-mee-mee-mee!", he has had a few actual lines: "Sadly temporary," "Bye-Bye" and "Make-up ready!" Despite being word-challenged, he manages to do a pretty convincing Little Richard impression and, surprisingly, had mad beatbox skills. Beaker is one of the only Muppets that was never recycled from some other purpose -- he was created solely for "The Muppet Show."

14. Fozzie Bear. Poor Fozzie. He's the perpetual target of Statler and Waldorf because of his horrible jokes and puns. It actually created a bit of a problem during the first season of The Muppet Show, because when Fozzie got heckled, he got very upset and sometimes cried. Viewers didn't feel sympathy; they felt embarrassed. The problem was solved by making Fozzie an optimist so that even when he got heckled he was good-natured about it. It's often thought that he was named after Frank Oz, who was his puppeteer, but Frank said it's just a variant of "fuzzy bear." Yet another story says he was named for his builder, Faz Fazakas. Wocka wocka!!

15. Bert and Ernie are the Muppet version of Felix and Oscar ("The Odd Couple," for you young'uns). Lots of people think Bert and Ernie were named for some minor characters in It's A Wonderful Life, but according to the Henson company, that's just a rumor. Jim Henson always maintained that it was just a coincidence -- the names just went well together and seemed to fit the characters. Jerry Juhl, one of the head writers, corroborated this and said that Jim Henson had no memory for details like that and would have never remembered the name of the cop and the taxi cab driver in the old Jimmy Stewart movie.
Other rumors to clear up: Bert and Ernie aren't gay and neither one of them are dead. Now that we've got that straightened out, here are a few more tidbits: the original Ernie used to have a gravelly voice similar to Rowlf the Dog's. Frank Oz was Bert's puppeteer and hated him at the beginning. He thought Bert was ridiculously boring, but then realized that he could have a lot of fun with being boring. Jim Henson once said, "I remember trying Bert and Frank tried Ernie for a while. I can't imagine doing Bert now, because Bert has become so much of a part of Frank."

16. Grover: Everyone's favorite "cute, furry little monster" made his TV debut on the "Ed Sullivan Show" in 1967. At the time, he was known as "Gleep" and was a monster in Santa's Workshop. He then appeared on the first season of Sesame Street, but sported green fur and a reddish-orange nose. He didn't have a name then, but by the second season he transformed into the Grover we know today, more or less -- electric blue fur and a pink nose. The original green Grover was reincarnated as Grover's Mommy for a few episodes. In Latin America and Puerto Rico Grover is known as Archibaldo, in Spain he is Coco, in Portugal he is Gualter and in Norway he is Gunnar.

17. Sweetums is one of a handful of full-body Muppets. He showed up in 1971 on the TV special "The Frog Prince." This is where he got his name -- when Sir Robin the Brave is about to defeat the ogre, a witch shows up and changes him into a frog (who later becomes Robin, Kermit's nephew). Apparently smitten with the ogre, the witch tells her darling "Sweetums" that he can have the frog for breakfast.
Bigger fame awaited Sweetums, though -- in 1975, he appeared on Cher's variety show to do a duet with her to "That Old Black Magic". He officially joined "The Muppet Show" cast in 1976.

18. Rizzo the Rat might sound familiar to you, especially if you've seen "Midnight Cowboy" -- he is named for Dustin Hoffman's character, Ratso Rizzo. He was created after puppeteer Steve Whitmire was inspired by rat puppets made from bottles. He first showed up on "The Muppet Show" as one of a group of rats following Christopher Reeve around -- he's easy to spot because he hams it up more than any of the other rats. He occasionally performs with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

19. Pepe the King Prawn's full name is Pepino Rodrigo Serrano Gonzales. I heart Pepe. He was a chef in Madrid before going Hollywood on "Muppets Tonight" in 1996. He was paired with Seymour the Elephant (Pepe was originally going to be a mouse) on the show, but Seymour never developed quite the same following and was only in two episodes. He rarely gets names right -- some of his mispronunciations include "muffins" instead of Muppets, "Kermin" instead of Kermit and "Scooper" instead of Scooter. He's quite full of himself -- in addition to thinking that he's quite the ladies' man, he also fully expects to win several Oscars.

20. Herry Monster from Sesame Street was the Big Bad Wolf in his original incarnation, which you can kind of tell by looking at his fur. It's pretty wolf-like (if wolves were blue, I mean). He became a Sesame monster in 1970 to replace the Beautiful Day Monster, who looked kind of like Sam the Eagle and existed to cause destruction wherever he went, thus ruining the beautiful day people had been having before he showed up. Herry used to have a furry nose but got upgraded to his non-furry, purple nose in 1971.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Root of Second Shift

I have spent the last five days sick or near sick. Sick in all different sorts of ways. Painful ways, achy ways, tired ways, headache ways, sniffling, sneezing, and coughing to the point of annoyance to my co-workers. "You can go home." Or... "I'm getting tired of saying that." (God Bless You.) But today... today is a new day. And I'm feeling tons better. Way, way better.

And now I'm left wondering, where did all those irrational thoughts come from? I know most people are not in the best of spirits while sick but I became downright depressed. As in clinical depression symptoms. Including some rather serious ones. Plus, I got the added benefit of possibly making a gigantic fool of myself. Not only with the cutest boy ever but also with all the new people I met over the weekend. I was simply not myself, though Sunday night wasn't so bad.

Part of the irrational thoughts came from the lack of exercise, as I have discovered I need EVERY SINGLE DAY. Part of them came from my illness and the fact that even though I was sick I still chose to drink some this weekend. Part of them also came from this horrible sense of estrangement I've been feeling. I feel like I've lost touch with everyone. I hate being on second shift and I think this may be one of the main reasons why. I lose touch with people. Not much I can do about it, I'm afraid but it's where much of my negative thinking was rooted. I figured this out today while driving into work. So, I'm back to exercising again and affirmations daily. And now I've joined facebook so that may help when I'm on this shift.

Not sure what else I can do about it. While I'm not feeling completely horrible about it at this point, it was getting kind of rough there for a couple days. Thank God for biff, sister in friend, and co-Britney fan. I was able to get the "yes" on whether or not the depression was normal. And while that didn't make it go away, I felt a better sense of assurance at that point that it would, indeed, pass.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Facing Facebook

The last few days have been something... not sure how to classify them exactly but they've been a healthy mix of fantastic for some of the people I love... sickly spent for me... depression and anxiety to boot and hopeful feelings that it's finally passing.

Saturday evening I bucked up (after getting a hot shower in which most of my muscle aches quietly went away) and went to my French friend's wedding. They were happy, it was beautiful and our mutual online reverend did a lovely job putting on the ceremony itself. And I was happy to be there with them, their friends, and their families. Afterwards, we went to dinner and I got to know a few of their friends a little bit better. All nice people... all fun to hang with. Had I not been sick for the days prior as well as up until and continuing through today, I would have went out and hung out with them at the bride and groom's place. Wish I would have continued to buck up just a bit more.

But... maybe I should be glad I didn't because it would have been even harder to get myself out of bed and over to the baby shower for Little Mama. I'm not sure how she's going to feel about that name... The shower was great, beautiful, even if it took forever for us to get our food. However, a new revelation of sorts came to pass at the shower. I don't know why it only took the question once, from two girls I only see at Little Mama's events but for some reason "Are you on facebook?" suddenly made me want to be on it. Probably because I've been answering no to that often enough lately and probably because I've been playing with the idea anyway. So, now I'm on facebook. And I have some serious exploring to do tonight and probably for quite a bit of this week.

Basically, while I was holding out I'm now figuring why close myself off from this? Why say no when in all honesty, it sounds like fun. Just so I can stick to my old ways? So I cannot "sell out"? But is it "selling out?". No. And as for my privacy reasoning, I'm over it. I mean, I do meetup... c'mon.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Red Ears

My ears are currently really hot, I'm wearing my winter coat indoors (in all fairness, it is usually pretty cold in here), and I'm aching from my neck to my knees. But, at least, the stomach issues appear to have subsided.

I'm currently also annoyed and scared and tired.

Annoyed with my co-worker for leaving shitty ass freaking work on my desk that should have been done while I was out sick. Instead, first thing on Saturday morning, while still feeling shitty, I have to try and figure out how to do something I've never done before. Good times.

Scared because I've discovered that maybe, when it comes to my most intimate relationships, I usually stick with people who are emotionally distant because so am I. At least, when it comes to opening up appropriately in the context of relationship. Not with friends, mind you... just with guys and family. And I have no idea how to get past this. But, I will.

Tired... just because I'm sick. That's the only reason for that. However, not feeling like I've gotten appropriate sleep adds to everything else, of course.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Thanks For Shorting Me

I went to the mall today. Finally, the walls inside of it have been taken down and much of the renovations have been completed. I just might start to enjoy going there once in a while again. Maybe... time will tell. Though today it was pretty relaxing. There were very few people there which is what made it relaxing. I love shopping after all. Granted, I usually enjoy doing it alone but today was fun. Today wasn't about me, it was about my Frenchman friend's fiance. She was shoe and clutch shopping. Which means I was shoe and clutch shopping. And I did, of course, end up buying something. A really hot black pair of shoes to replace a really hot black pair of shoes I have at home. It was simply time for them to be replaced, being that the straps look like they're going to fall off soon enough. Hot shoes but they've been worn - alot. They lasted me a good ten years, hot all the while but it's just time to get something new. I got those suckers for dancing (the professional kind), it may be time for them to go karma-wise too.

Frenchwoman fiance found her shoes. They are pretty and simple and I like them. But, it was tough for her to find a pair she's comfortable with. Apparently being tall takes away from wearing high heels. Up until today it had never occurred to me. And so many of the super hot shoes out there now have massive heels. The heels I'm going to be wearing on Saturday, the same ones I bought today are super serious heels. And I guess I've found something new to be thankful for. The fact that I'm short.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Loving Your Cousin First

Eww... I mean... eww... eww. Call me immature but I couldn't get past the fact that they were first cousins. They were first cousins in love, in the movie... it was supposed to be during the 80's so we're not talking way back in the day monarchs here. And what got me was her dad was the only one who really seemed to be saying the same thing I'm saying. And it's not as though his conscience was all that well formed, people. Or, at least, he didn't heed it's warnings too often. He was the second Godfather, after all.

The third Godfather could not even begin to hold a candle to the first two. And not just for this reason... it just simply wasn't all that great. The first two were masterpieces... works of art in their own right. They'd strangely evoke pride for those of us who are Sicilian, which is why my parents had no issue with me watching them as a child.

But, c'mon now... first cousins? I mean, I know it happens but the idea of looking at my own cousins that way kind of gives me the willies. And they're not all bad looking, I've got some cute cousins. But, being attracted to them? I don't think so. I dunno... took away from the whole story, I'm afraid. Gave it a kind of ill toned undertone.

I guess all in all... I'm disappointed. Very, very disappointed. They did not do Mario Puzo proud. Still have to read the book but I'm taking Dad's advice on this one. He said he couldn't put the book down when he read it but the third one simply wasn't based on the book.

Ok... shake it off... forget the kissing scene and be thankful that they were just playing characters...

Monday, February 2, 2009

Outward Gaze

Last night I met my Frenchman friend's Frenchwoman. His fiance, whom he will be marrying in just under a week. And I have to say, I'm impressed. They're really, really good together. Not only is their chemistry obvious but they just simply get along "just right" and have no problem letting people know that they really care for each other. I can't wait to see them exchange their vows on Saturday evening.

Every once in a while, you get to be witness to a couple getting married. And sometimes, it's got this "just right" feel to it... and sometimes it simply doesn't. When it simply doesn't, there is an almost scared sensation that goes through you. Especially if you really care for one or both of them. Knowing statistics and knowing life well, there will be heartache for some of the people you know. But, for others not so much. Not that life will always be a cinch but it won't be that much harder, at least in that one way.

These two have it, I think. The good stuff.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery