Mind-Dump

Classy title, I know.

Tuesday, Feb 24th, 2009 -- Today's New Moon is in your 8th House of Intimacy and you are no longer satisfied in a partnership if the other person cannot match your level of intensity. You don't have a wide spectrum of responses now when it comes to expressing your intentions. For you, it's either all or nothing with very little in between. You can avoid disappointment by realizing that the fulfillment of a promise may not mean as much to someone else as it does to you.


That was my horoscope today. And I couldn't begin to tell you how true it is. It's that scary kind of horoscope... the kind that speaks to you. They certainly aren't like that every day. But, today... it is. The promise: asking me to dinner back in January.

Last night I freaked out. It was irrational and stupid. And it echoed the sounds of my old self. And that's what bothers me so much. I'm feeling really shaken up today because of it. I'm feeling weak and tired. It took alot out of me. And what was it about? The former cutest boy ever. All he did and didn't do to and for me. All of the times he left me disappointed with no other alternatives but to be upset. No real apologies, no explanations. Just, I'm going to treat you like crap knowingly... and you'll take it. Simple as that. In fact, I'm going to abandon this thing whenever I want and you'll be waiting for me when I'm ready to treat you to a dose of neglect again. I'm going to say whatever I have to say to get what I want and I will show no conscience about doing so. I'm going to make it clear that everything else in my life is more important than treating you with even an ounce of real respect. And you're going to take it. Because that's who you are and what I think of you.

And even though I'm not anymore, it's simply time for me to acknowledge how much being treated like that hurt me. How much it got into my subconscious and started fucking with me. How much I expect every other guy to be the same way. Ultimately. Especially if they're dealing with me and I'm attracted to them.

I told biff last night that if God had a suggestion box, I'd be putting in lots of complaints. But, that's not fair. I had plenty of people along the way tell me what I should do. Get away from him. And I didn't listen. I did have to come to it on my own. Why it took me a year and a half, I don't know. Will it ever take me that long again, I don't think so. I hope not. I pray not.