Friday, January 30, 2009

Not So Shame On You

"Which one are you?" I didn't answer except with my first name. There was no way any stories about me would be remembered. Or, I doubt it at least. Her bereaved didn't press me beyond that.

Started my day with a viewing, which set a strange tone for the rest of it. And I hung out at my parents' house for a while due to the holdup of the dryer. My mom's things were still damp so I had to wait around for a bit. And I simply didn't feel like going home, just to come back twenty minutes later. In the meantime, I watched "Inside the Actor's Studio". John Travolta was the actor being interviewed this time. He was surprisingly down to earth and normal-like. Until he mentioned being a Scientologist, that is. Sorry - I just don't buy into that religion one iota. Still, if it helps you to be who you like being, it's your choice and I'll try to respect it as that.

I'm slightly cranky now as I sit here typing this. Just not in the mood for much of anything.

John Travolta mentioned being a very confident person and even when his career was on a downward spiral, he claims he did not let it affect him in a negative way. Prior to Pulp Fiction is when he was referring to. Since then things have certainly looked up. Until, of course, the sad loss of his son recently. That's a heartache no parent should ever have to endure. And I do respect him as an actor, he's a very good one. And he said many very deep and intricate and respectable things. However, he went on to say about people "shame on you". Shame on them for letting other people's attacks make them feel like a lesser person. And everyone clapped.

But - I wonder... of all the people who clapped, who's self esteem is achingly low? I don't agree with a "shame on you" mentality. Though it is every individual's job to make themselves feel good about themselves in the end, some people are never taught that or how to get there. I understand that what Mr. Travolta was saying was ultimately reverse psychology but still, I really can't help but wonder how many people who were clapping and cheering for him in the studio were actually wondering what he meant. Or if they actually disagreed with him because they simply feel like crap because they haven't been taught accurately.

I wonder how many hypocrites sat there clapping.

My belief is that one of our jobs, here in this world is simple. We're supposed to help lift each other up. So, instead of saying "shame on you", how about we just simply say "why would it bother me?". And then go on to explain it from your point of view. Lead by example, maybe and maybe other people will see in you inspiration instead of feeling condemned for something that many people don't even recognize as a problem.

People do have to be responsible for themselves, I agree with this completely. But, wouldn't it be nice if we didn't expect everyone to always be where we are in their evolution? I struggle with this myself, sometimes getting very frustrated with people, without full justification. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just go about our lives and make other people think "I want that for myself..." and then maybe help them to get it. Whatever "it" may be. Once you hear something enough times about yourself, it becomes very easy to believe. "Shame on you" is nothing more than self condemnation, if one chooses to internalize it. Maybe a little understanding and a little "well, you're only human but there's no reason to let other's opinions matter to you more than your own".

Maybe...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Leo the Lion

Weird. Spice and I have found ourselves talking a small bit about horoscopes lately. And some astrology. My biff had turned me onto them a bit a while back but, honestly, I don't pay much attention to them. Except two things... one, when my sign was in Saturn (is it Leo in Saturn or Saturn in Leo...) I was going through the trial period of my life. Completely. And when it comes to daily horoscopes, every once in a while they match... most of the time they don't. But, what I take from them is simply that they usually contain some sort of generalized good advice. So, I like to read them.

However. Today I received a forward that amazed me, Spice, and Italiana. (I just sent her an email checking to make sure that name is ok with her so it may change eventually.) All three of us are different signs. But, in this forward there was a description of each sign. And for all three of us, it was pretty dead on.

I'm not going to say exactly what mine said because then I'm a bit scared of boasting. (It was a very flattering description.) But, I will say that I do finally recognize that I have good things in me . And the same with my two friends. And I checked biff's. That sounded pretty much like her as well.

I'm still not going to invest anything in my daily horoscope beyond good advice but this was neat and a little freaky. Actually, between the three or four of us, very freaky. But, it's all good... I'll try not to become obsessed.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sister Lucy

I remember you as a strong woman. The first time I heard your name was from my teacher who's now ringing people up at Shoprite. He told me you'd kick me out and I wouldn't last a day in your school. He knew you, after all. He underestimated you. You tolerated me better than he was able. Having given your life over to God's service, that's quite a unique and amazing choice to make. You're not the only one I've known in my lifetime, for sure but you are of the utmost importance in my formation. Even if you didn't know it. You meant alot to me and I couldn't be more grateful that you did keep me in your school. I didn't enjoy St. John's but I am still grateful.

I remember the times I got in trouble, half hearted attempts to get kicked out, some stupid stuff and getting sick down my shirt sleeve, I waited in your office for my dad to show up with a clean one. The other kids and one of the teachers made fun of my vomiting. Questioned whether I was bulimic or not. You accepted that I just had a horrible cough that caused me to throw up sometimes. You didn't give up on me. And for that I am also grateful.

I played you in your retirement show. Dressed to the nines in nun gear, I was supposed to be you. I could never have done you justice and I was so nervous, I don't remember if I even got my lines right. But, it was my honor.

Sister Lucy - may you rest in peace. Thank you for being in my life, even if you didn't have a choice, you did have a choice to keep me or send me away. You chose to keep and now I choose to keep you in my heart forever, until we meet again.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My Life, Inc.

I really liked this email that I got today so I figured I'd share it with you. I love the part about being a CEO of your own company, not a bad way to look at one's life on occasion:

Reflect on your life
"Reflection is one of the most underused yet powerful tools for success."
-- Richard Carlson
Regularly, take time to reflect on what has been happening in your life. Step back to work ON your life instead of IN it. See yourself as the C.E.O. of your own personal company, or as the captain of your own ship. Are you navigating the waves as well as you might?
Stepping back helps us see a bigger, more inclusive picture. Small events make more sense in the bigger scheme of things.
"Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action."
-- James Levin

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hot Potato

I have to admit... I wasn't sure what to write today's blog on. There are a million things I could write about but I don't think I really want to delve deeply into any of them at the moment. I'm definitely not in my worst shape ever but I'm definitely not in my best shape ever either. Both physically and mentally. I have to get back on the treadmill tomorrow. I haven't exercised since Saturday.

This weekend was good. Celebrated quite a bit of the good stuff. My Godson's Christening and my niece's birthday. Went to dinner with other friends which means I celebrated us in general. I also gobbled up some Godfather I & II. Great movies. Waiting for Part III to arrive in the mail.

Had it out with a few folks on Friday... it's like I was on a warpath, even if it wasn't my intention. Ended up voicing my opinion all over the place, towards four different people. Happy to hear from the cutest boy ever today... had wondered how he would react to my justified anger on Friday night. And he reacted pretty much appropriately. In other words, at an appropriate time.

Friday, January 23, 2009

People Are Rocks

Today has turned into confrontation central. One of my favorite chapters from one of my favorite books (Becoming Human) is Face Into Conflict. Of course, I love every chapter from that book but you know... whatever.

Sometimes in life, it's conflict just based on misunderstanding (such as with my therapist today) and sometimes it's because something is wrong with motives. I'm discovering more and more often that most people can't seem to face themselves. I mean, I never wanted to before somewhat recently so I don't blame people for not wanting to deal. Often times it's easier just to say what sounds good or decent instead of just being oneself. Sometimes people don't know what makes them tick. Either way, conflict is a necessary part of life. Dealing with conflict is even more necessary.

I don't always make people happy anymore. Biff tells me I have balls now. I'm not about smoothing it over just to end the conflict though Lord knows I don't wake up in the morning thinking of ways to get back at people. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more about poking people in the ribs but that's not who I am. Not at all. And that's ok. Am I willing to talk it out, see if we can reach a real understanding of one another? Sure. I do think what's changed is my confidence level and the way I'm looking at life. People may not like what I have to say and that's ok too. I give lots and lots of room for people being people. And I will now give myself that room too. But... if you're going to come at me. Make sure you know what you're dealing with. I'm not very big into backing down and my mind won't be manipulated anymore. (Why is Christina Aguilera singing "Fighter" in my head?) I know what I want and how it should be for me. I will treat you honestly and fairly but honesty, I'm finding is a hidden treasure that one must search for amongst the rocks.

Rocks being people, of course.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Clementines For Breakfast

As of yesterday, I had an idea for today's blog. Something having to do with a customer who pissed me off for a brief time yesterday and the awkward way I found myself turning red out of anger. But... now... I'm feeling no insight about it. At least not at this moment. I guess I could if I wanted to but the truth is I'm not in the mood. Which is ok. I don't have to be "on" every day. Co-Britney fan taught me that much.

I slept like crap last night, which explains the "off" day. I was happy with where I was sleeping, on the left side of the cutest boy ever's bed, but I was anxious about not going home for the night. And a few other small anxieties were creeping around my head as well... so I slept like crap. And I elbowed him in the head this morning. Good times.

Next time I'll sleep better, hopefully. Or maybe he'll be sleeping at my place. We'll see.

Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight, in my own bed. With my new flannel sheets.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Hero

My beloved said "you're my hero" about his sister to me. Her complete and total lack of co-dependency is the amazing thing that he was referring to. And I have to admit, after hearing about her and knowing about her... those three words have been running through my head quite often lately. I think she might be my hero too.

She's in a very healthy marriage, has the job she wants, is starting to get into the idea of starting a family, and really just wows most people. So much so that I once heard his mother bragging about her to someone at the grocery store. I overheard beloved's mom and wasn't sure if she'd remember me (and I was feeling strangely intimidated by the idea of saying "hello" - damn social anxiety and low self esteem) so I just kept walking. When I told him later that I saw her, he asked what she said. She was specifically bragging about her daughter's Ph.D. I told him and we both laughed. Who wouldn't brag about his sister? Really... I do mean that. She is that impressive. I mean, I'm sure, like everyone else she has her flaws but talk about someone who's got their shit together...

So... I'll keep on going my way and I'll keep her tucked somewhere in the back of my mind. My shit isn't completely together but I'm getting a little closer every day. And it's kind of fun as long as I'm not putting my energy into the wrong things. The things that I don't need to be stressing about, the things I have no control over, namely... other people.

I'll show concern when I am concerned and I'll say what I need to say when it needs to be said but being able to push stuff to the back of my mind is fun. It's nice to be able to do. And it's nice to be able to focus back on me when I start wandering off course. I know lots of you folks have always been able to do this, my mind just simply didn't used to let me. And I've learned a few things, I've grown a bit too. I am a little curious how many people are actually well adjusted, how many people are actually happy out there. I know not everyone but I'm feeling pretty good these days. Despite the lack of perfection in my life.

I'm kind of feeling like my own hero at the moment and I'm kind of really liking it.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It's A Long Speech But Worth The Read

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new president. And while I don't agree with him on everything, I do have faith in the man. Here's his inaugural speech, well done and powerful. We've lived to see history being made (again) but hopefully this time it's a positive thing. Good luck and God bless, Mr. President.

Text for his inaugural speech:

My fellow citizens,

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.
Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them— that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on the ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence— the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive ... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

Monday, January 19, 2009

End of the End

I hate this part right here... I hate this part right here...

(I Hate This Part - Pussycat Dolls)


I came into work yesterday for one of my precious sixteen hour shifts. I walked in, I sat down, logged in, and brought up my email. Just a mere half hour before I placed my butt down for the day I had received a very important and very touching email.

It was from the ex-boyfriend. The most important ex-love of my life, the person who inadvertently changed me from a mess to who I am now, which is quite a bit less of a mess. QUITE A BIT. It wasn't being with him that changed me the most, though that did too... it has been being without. I'm a stronger person, a medicated person, and a bunch of other things person now. All things that I either wasn't at all before or it was lurking beneath the surface, not quite ready to show up yet. Growing occurs most, usually, during times of pain. Losing him was the single most traumatic experience of my life. The single most painful. There were many reasons why and some of them did relate to my illness but not all. Not nearly all.

I guess some would call the email I received yesterday "closure" and I guess they'd be right. He complimented me and tried to guide me. Tried to give me his viewpoint on a few things, including but not limited to the cutest boy ever. I will keep the email, printed out, in a box. One of the many I call "memory boxes". Because the email was not bad but it was necessary. It's been time to say goodbye for some time. Though I didn't do it... not sure why that's the thing I've found myself procrastinating on. I don't procrastinate all that often anymore. It's most likely because it does hurt to close a door sometimes. And Lord knows how much I'd rather not take a chance of hurting someone, anyone. Even if the closing is just the tiny push that closes the door completely. And the grieving may go on for a bit though it won't be dramatic, just mostly silent, I think. I do love him, it's just not a romantic love nor even a friendship love. But, it is still agape.

There's something new happening in my life, beneath the surface. I don't know what it is but there's something going on. It might just be me, it might just be something else. Time will tell.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Love

"Let us love, since that is all our hearts were made for." - St. Therese, The Little Flower

“Do all the good you can,By all the means you can,In all the ways you can,In all the places you can,At all the times you can,To all the people you can,As long as ever you can.” - John Wesley

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7


I hope I can continue to learn to love and to love as much as possible through the course of my life. These quotes exemplify my main objective with all else stemming from them. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that others love too... as it seems to me that many people are really, really good at covering it up or hiding from it. But, I don't want to do that... so I won't... anymore. And if people don't like me because of it, well, so be it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

First Two Goals

Simple. Goals. Simple goals. Two goals. One, to quit smoking. Two, to get my credit card bill sliced by half. I will not worry about dating again (on purpose) until these two things are taken care of. I have plans to go to a special type of singles party this weekend and I'll go. But, after that... no more effort in that area until these other two areas are pulled together. I've got a whole list of goals I want to accomplish. All of which are being blocked by these two items on my list. So... therefore... they have to be the first things I worry about. Dating needs to just simply take the backseat. Dating costs money and I don't want to spend much extra money right now. And dating just isn't what I need at the moment. I figured this out due to the melancholy way I was feeling yesterday.

Smoking adds to the credit card debt and takes away from me paying it off. Plus, I have found no good use for smoking anymore. I don't even enjoy it all that much. It's basically turned into a chore. I mean, it's cold out. And I'm not willing to stink up my apartment. I'm doing well so far aside from the slight mood swings yesterday. And I have a plan to quit this time... I know I can stick to it. My mind is set to it. And if I can stick to it and it works, than I can stick to my other goals and make them work to. I've never known the meaning of putting your mind to something, really. Maybe I just was never able to before. Maybe I just didn't want to. I don't know. All I know is for the first time I'm feeling like all the work I'm putting into me is worth it.

And I put alot of work into me. Nearly constant. But, that's ok. It's better for me to be worrying about what I think of me than for me to worry about what others think of me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

After The Speed Dating

We walked around the room, bumping into each other, each finding our little tables with the numbers on them. And today I feel very melancholy about the entire experience. Last night I felt something else. I guess just a sense of experiencing something new and different. Still, I think I'd do it again. I think. But I'm not 100% on that.

The cutest guy ever's radar had apparently gone off again. Each time I'm making a move to go in a different direction, without his knowledge, he gets in touch with me. Clouding up my thoughts and making me wonder what he's thinking. But last night he seemed a bit cranky when I did get back in touch with him. After the speed dating event. I hated not telling him the whole truth when he had inquired as to my whereabouts.

However, he's not exactly beating down my door either.

Bah! I'm not going to worry about any of it but I'm also not going to make any quick moves in another direction at the moment. I think I better just take a deep breath today and worry about the rest later. Plus, I'm struggling at this point to keep my eyes open, I don't need to be thinking too terribly hard.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

There Wasn't All That Much Blood

At the end of the movie, Daniel Plainview says "I'm finished". And I found myself very glad he was. There was only two likeable things in the movie, that his son finds a better life for himself and that Daniel Day-Lewis's performance was powerful enough to make me majorly dislike him. Hate is a little too strong of a word for a fictional character. What I didn't enjoy was sitting back up and feeling nauseas after it was over. Just like when biff and I went to see Babel.

There Will Be Blood.

Paul Thomas Anderson made this movie. And while I have loved Boogie Nights, Magnolia, and Punch-Drunk Love... this one just did nothing for me. Aside from being impressed with Daniel Day-Lewis's performance.

So... after I turned the movie off, I thought about it. I tried to place why my stomach was sickly and why I wanted it out of my apartment as quickly as could be. I literally got up, put it back in it's envelope and drove it to the post office. Usually, I can take something from a movie... a lesson, a thought, a something. I'm coming up with little to nothing right now.

It's a story of greed, of the money hungry. It's a story that falls flat to me. A story of more than one man's destruction. But several. Yet, I can't connect to any part of it on a personal level. Not one part. Money hungry... yeah... it happens but this type of money hungry didn't remind me of anyone I know or make me think that there was any real depth there to be found. (Maybe that's what I need to take from this... some people are just shallow... simple as that... but I don't think that's it either. Shallow doesn't necessarily mean misery and insanity, which is all over the place in this tale.) His son had depth. The story of his son had depth. But, still... I felt no connection to it.

I'm disappointed in the film. This thing was all over the place with awards and top ten lists. All sorts of stuff. And this will just have to be one of those blogs that has no specific point. However, if my little mini-review here saves you about two hours of your life, that's enough for me.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Sunglasses Inside the Club

Oh dammit. Every once in a while the overall title of my blog, Tripping Down the Path, makes sense. Even more sense to me than usual. Because when you trip, sometimes you fall. Sometimes you make a mistake but getting back up is the only option when laying in the mud, at least for me. When I picture my path, it's definitely dirt and it's the road less traveled by in Frost's great poem.

Went dancing on Saturday night. I had bought a new dress and new shoes and danced like no one was watching. In other words, didn't care how Elaine-like or Britney-like I was moving, I just kept my body in motion. However, all that motion started to take a toll on the ol' footsies. And I eventually had to sit down in my heels because the skin was simply being torn at that point. Felt good to move though I definitely started out the night by drinking too much. And then just kept the momentum going.

Meanwhile, as I sat my tired and hurting butt down, a dude came over to me. He had been behind me when I sat down before. And then he showed up behind me on the dance floor as well. I smiled at him on the dance floor and then he disappeared. Spice and I had looked at each other with a "that was weird" look but quickly forgot about the dude with the sunglasses on. Inside. Inside a dark club. Sunglasses on inside a dark club.

At first, I thought little of the guy behind me, dancing on me. It was fine with me. I didn't need to stand up for this. And my feet hurt entirely too bad to actually stand back up. He was close to me but I thought little of it. I just sort of kept moving around on my stool and watching out onto the dance floor from where I was sitting. Then I turned and looked. Dude with the sunglasses was back. It was him. Ok... whatever, it's just some small dancing. And I'm drunk. Then he bought me a beer. While he was off buying a beer for me, my co-Britney fan's boyfriend came over to me. He tried to check on me, I was too drunk and stupid to pay much attention. I was going to get a free drink after all. Basically told him to go away. I didn't want to lose out on my free drink. I can make some really stupid moves on occasion. He comes back, I take a few sips of the beer, I get a friend's attention at that point. She comes over to me. I ask her to check with the rest of the group to see if they're ready to go. Meanwhile, dude with the sunglasses is going to town. He's trying to get off on my back. She returns, I'm still wiggling just a little bit and no longer drinking the beer. She says everyone's ready to go. So I hop up and disappear. Gone. Before dude could finish getting his jollies from my lower back.

It's not as though I've never been in a similar situation before. Shit, I've been paid for similar situations before... and also for other more explicit and obvious acts. But, I'm not that person anymore. The one who got paid, the one who didn't care. So this time it bothered me. Deeply. Absolutely bothered me down to my core.

I have been told by at least two people "at least you got away". And they are right. But, I'm wondering... what is it about me that draws these men to me? What is it about the way I look. I don't dress slutty, I like to keep some things to the imagination. I don't even flirt. But, yet, I have found so many of these men in my life. Or, rather, they have found me. And I will shake it off. I just wish I had a feeling of pride accompanying me at this point. Wish I had elbowed him "by accident" or wish I had listened to my friend when he tried to alert me that something wasn't right. But I guess all I can do is remind myself next time.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Meeting Minutes

Working for a giant corporation has it's ups and downs. Going to yearly training is one of the downs.

Here are the notes I took during said training yesterday:

Mind numbing. Boring with a splash of dry information.

Oh my gosh, it's only been 14 minutes.

How does this guy sleep at night knowing this is his career? He's not a bad man. Nor an evil man but hopefully this is either a stepping stone or he realizes this is not truly living.

This is an hour each year that neither he nor I will get back. But we're getting paid for it and it's a stepping stone for me.

Oh my gosh, it's only been 23 minutes.

There are certainly worse tortures. But I really think if this was prison, you'd have less repeat offenders.

My friend fell asleep in here once. The one who got engaged at Longwood Gardens.

The next slide...

He tried to relate to people by using his kids as an example. I feel bad for him. I'm sure he's a great father though. I wonder what instructor told him to use personal stories to relate to the audience.

I just yawned and didn't cover my mouth. My bad. I also wrote that down and spelled "yawned", "yamned". Weird dyslexia type thing.

It's only been 26 minutes.

I know this is going to be tomorrow's blog.

There's a guy in front of me, to the left who's trying to keep his eyes open.

Next few slides...

They used to have a digital clock in here.

Woo-hoo! We're past the half hour mark.

Someone behind me said "wow". I wonder what wowed him.

I'm thankful to have a job. Repeat three times.

Affirmations.

The guy at the podium was just corrected by someone else in the audience. Not cool. He should have waited until after. The guy at the podium has it hard enough.

Thirty nine minutes.

Etiquette.

Emergency exit in a collapsible wall... is that necessary? It's not a real wall.

Lastly... he said "lastly".

"In conclusion"... what happened to the meaning of "lastly"?

I wonder what others in here are thinking about. That could probably be a SNL skit.

Ouch. Apparently someone in the room got in trouble before. New guy at the podium just said so. But he didn't say who. They should have paid attention to this at least once. This is boring info but it's not common sense, necessarily.

A spider chart.

Not common sense. But job specific. Still, once a year is a bit much.

That guy interrupted this guy too. I wonder who he is.

50 minutes down.

Now I'm thinking about the cutest boy ever. But, it's ok this time. He's taking me to dinner or so he says. Next week.

55 minutes.

It's over and we're congratulated on the fact that we don't have to do this for another year.

(Now that you've read that I would like you to notice... it was more interesting for me to think about how boring this training was than to actually pay attention to the material presented during the training. That's boring information, my friends.)

Betrayed and Betrayer Bares Repeating

In intimate relationships, lying is particularly bad. Even seemingly not so big lies can be huge lies. They can set the groundwork for some bad stuff. Namely, the beginning of the breach of trust. Actually, I guess that goes for any type of relationship, really. And I'm not talking about white lies. I mean, I could have used a white lie once or twice in my life. But, sometimes people enjoy being mean.

My haircut was horrible, I knew it. I didn't need to be told that I looked like my mother. Not that she's an unattractive woman but she is 28 years older than me.

I'm talking about the other stuff. Any stuff. Why do you need to hide from people? What is it that's being hidden? And why? I still like what Mark Twain said, and I think I've quoted it here before. Generally, he said that if you don't lie, you don't need to worry about having a good memory. There couldn't be more truth in that statement. However, more than having to worry about keeping your story straight, what do lies say about your character? How easily can you betray someone's trust in you without it bothering you?

While I think the ideal reason one should not lie is because it's simply wrong to do, if nothing else... please go to my recent blog Betrayed and Betrayer. And reread the last paragraph. Who wants to live like that? Neither trusted or trusting? Not me... though, of course... I have at times. I'd really rather be able to trust my loved ones. Especially romantic loved ones.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Trapped In the Wild

My therapist recently recommended Seven Years in Tibet to me. I watched it, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed looking at Brad Pitt for just over two hours straight, but I didn't find in it what she said. She saw it differently than how I did. She was amazed that this man took seven years off from his life and lived in Tibet. I saw someone who didn't have much of a choice for a good chunk of it but still found the experience fulfilling in a life altering way.

But, last night I watched a movie about someone who took some years off from life. Who made the obvious and almost completely volunteer choice to live in a different way than nearly everyone else. I watched Into the Wild. Good movie. Interesting views though I do believe that the main character, who also happened to be a real person, went to the extreme. That living our lives in a way that the masses do not doesn't necessarily mean living off the land and living like a bum at times.

Not that he was lazy or even ever really a bum. Far from it. Very far from it.

But - what he was trying to do was live from the spirit. Which it appears he did. And assuming there was alot of truth in the movie, he helped a few folk along the way. I give him much credit. But, I still don't think I have to go live on top of a mountain somewhere, shooting critters for dinner.

Instead, I'll live without cable or myspace or Facebook. And I'll read. And I'll love. And I'll enjoy my friends and family. And eventually I'll begin to travel. And hopefully, with some drive and maybe just a smidgen of luck, I'll help others do the same. Not only in my actions but in my writing and in my other endeavors. Maybe I'll be able to go "into the wild" as well, without having to read books specifically on which berries I can and cannot eat. Maybe I'll be able to go into the wild without becoming trapped there, with no way out. Maybe I've already found the bridge back to sanity. And maybe I'm loving it as it is. With only a few tweaks left to make.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Luxury of Onion Dip

Yesterday I went to pick up a few groceries. I did my usual run first to Shoprite then I made my way over to Aldi. The Aldi I go to is on the border of Camden, which is generally a not so great place. Lots of poverty, some sadness, and a bunch of struggle. Usually, though, it's not so bad. It's alright and I feel comfortable. Yesterday, however, was a bit different. We're at the beginning of the month still. The welfare checks just came in a few days ago and people were out. It was a little busier in there than usual. But, minus the small almost altercation I got into over some boxes which I wasn't going to use but someone else was, I walked out unscathed.

Then came dude in the parking lot.

As I was pushing my little rented cart back to my car I heard him. "Ma'am. I'll take the cart back for you." I looked up and there he was, looking at me. I'm still not sure if he looked homeless but he did look cold and weathered.

"Ok," I said as I lifted my bottled water into my trunk.

"I won't come near you," he said as I lifted my face up to look in his direction. And then he sort of shrunk back. "Ma'am, if you're in any position to help..."

"I'm sorry, I have no money. I just used the last of it to buy my groceries."

"Ok, ok."

And out of the white minivan with the plastic wrap window a voice yelled "Stop harrassing people!"

I pushed the cart in his direction and told him to keep the quarter. I just wanted to get out of there. I hate that feeling. I wish I were in a position to really help people. God, how I wish I could help more people. Wish I could offer them more than just a quarter. Working occasionally in the soup kitchen was jarring for me. There were times I'd be wiping the tables down after the rush and think about how if it weren't for my parents, I could have possibly been less than one paycheck away from where many of those folks were. Then I thought about the little boy in Jamaica. Barefoot and hungry. Head looking much larger than it should have, begging. Walking beside us as we came out of a store... we gave him a dollar and he had a treasure. He ran from us, waving... and yelling joy filled "thank yous".

I wish I could do more. And one day, hopefully, I will be able to do more.

Even now, as my money is tighter than it's nearly ever been, I still know I will eat my next meal. In fact, I know what it will be. I can plan, generally, for at least days in advance if I want to about which meal will be next. I'm learning more about the concept of not wasting but I still did toss out the remainder of the French Onion dip last night. There really are folks out there for whom it wouldn't have lasted long enough to throw it out. Partially because it never would have been in their fridge and partially because it wouldn't have sat in their fridge long enough to potentially have gone bad.

I had the luxury of sniffing it and deciding what to do. I had the luxury of washing out the container and tossing the last third of it down the disposal. I have the luxury of keeping the container for some future use. I have somewhere to store it until that future use. And I am left knowing that I'm completely blessed.

Monday, January 5, 2009

In the Garden

Want to bond with someone? Ride through the hills of West Virginia, blaring Britney after a full day of drinking. Not drunk, just a long day of drink after drink. That would be one of the most fun memories I have with my co-Britney fan.

However, yesterday we created a new memory. We went to Longwood Gardens and we ate their rolls, tops puffing out of little flower pots. The Gardens were pretty though I'm not a plant person. And I've personally seen enough Christmas lights to last me until next year. It was still neat though. As she pointed out, I know all about photosynthesis now. ALL ABOUT IT. More than I ever wanted to, really.

But - what struck me wasn't so much the gardens themselves or the beauty of the plant life. What struck me was knowing two of my friends once got engaged there and the history the place has seen. The grounds are huge, I believe it said 402 acres. And all I could picture was someone growing up there but the truth is, from what co-Britney fan and I could see, no one actually did. There were large parties and entertainment abound but DuPont seemed to have married relatively late in life and the little history they gave on him and his wife, I don't believe they had children. She and I both took notice to how old they looked in their honeymoon picture.

After getting the brief history and taking our stroll, I started thinking. Besides the peacefulness of the place, I began to realize this was this man's baby in life. This garden that would continue to bloom and grow year after year, this was the main place he left his legacy. While he did plenty of other philanthropy in his lifetime, leaving behind other legacies, this was his greatest and obviously his passion. He left the world a much more beautiful place than when he entered it.

As I look at this, I see a life. A life where great care was taken and probably great joy was found. The beauty, to me, is not in the actual gardens themselves but in the appreciation this man had for his gardens. In the life this man lived and that he made his mark. I doubt he thought of it then but who would have guessed proposals would take place there? That lives would be altered for the better? That others would have part of their own stories unfold on his land?

One man's life can change a great many others. In some ways, he has even helped to change mine. I'll be planning a meetup there in the future... and one never knows where things of that nature could lead.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Betrayed and Betrayer

There's a rather large 2008 calender in the trash. Folded in the middle and shoved down in a way that probably compacted tons of other garbage underneath. Poor cleaning woman is probably going to be taken aback by how heavy that bag will be now.

Another year come and gone. And in the words of Yoko Ono and John Lennon... "what have you done?".

I'm still not going to do a year in review deal, don't worry. But I am going to say that I'm hoping 2009 will be all the more better than 2008. On both a personal scale and a larger scale, a world scale. 2008 was actually pretty rough on most people. Including people I love and hold dear. And while I know I was getting better during the course of those 12 months, I have never felt as healthy and clear as I do now.

Had a long talk with a friend last night before going to bed. We had to get off the phone because my eyes would no longer stay open, about an hour and a half after swallowing my pills. He's been going through a rough time lately and I was up for lending an ear. And for talking (not that I usually have to much trouble in that area), offering up advice. Or, more than advice, the way I see his current situation. How a betrayal has led him to question the very core of a very close friendship of his. And I think I helped him. He said I did.

The problem is this. Once you've been betrayed by someone... I mean really betrayed... once your feelings have been used and abused, it's hard to ever believe them again. Forgive, maybe... forget... hardly. And until the betrayer comes clean with all their motives and reasons for it, the chances of getting the relationship back to where it once was (if that's even possible) is slim. Very slim. Both parties can try. But the betrayed will know they were once tossed aside by this person and the betrayer will know the betrayed knows they are capable of this.

I don't really have a conclusion here. Just some thoughts. And a little pat on the back for myself. Helped a friend. Woo-hoo. I like to help.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Doing For Me

I can't think of all that much to say at the moment. I have some random stuff running through my head. Several occurances or lack there of occurances over the last few days are sort of pre-occupying me. Phone throwing, shower rod ripping, no response from my beloved, and my own surprise determination to actually exercise for a half hour a day because it keeps the blues away.

Otherwise... not too much more going on with me.

You know, sometimes things change. And I think I'm going to accept whatever changes may come in a particular situation. I did what I could do and I can't do anything more. And I'm not angry with anyone. I'm just trying to take care of myself in the way I know is best for me. The way that helps me respond better to the things that come my way, for better or worse. And I won't get overly emotionally involved in what others are going through. I'll help when I can in ways that I can but I can't dwell on other's problems. Dwelling doesn't do any of us any good.

So... I'm gonna keep plugging away at my affirmations and my exercise and feeding my self esteem in a healthy way. Come what may, for now, I have peace of mind, which rocks.