80%

Ok.  So, that was a brutal few days.  Hasn't been like that in a while.  Though, with the famed 20/20 hindsight, it's been coming for quite some time.  The meds just weren't working.  It's been a good 6 weeks at least, realistically, since they were - at least at any level worth counting.  My meds have been switched up and I have also signed up for intermittent medical leave at work.  The medical leave will cover me when it's necessary instead of always using sick time.  Hopefully I won't have to use it much at all.  Hopefully the new stuff will be good for at least a while.

Have to admit, while I'm worn down and could use just a little more rest and relaxation, my mind is quiet again.  I was able to drive and sing today on my way to and from school... something that only occurs when I'm feeling right.  The new meds will take weeks before they're up to the levels to reach full effect on me.  But - at least I'm not feeling drugged or feeling crazed... as the Seroquel sometimes does make me feel.  And the slight tingling sensation on top of my head is unique... though I have felt it before and suspect it will have gone away within the next few days.

Back on the horse again, I plan to take it slow for the next few days until I don't have to take it slow anymore.  I plan to go home, clean up the mess my apartment has become and make myself a dinner.  Yes, people... I plan to cook something.  Nothing fancy but it feels like it has been forever since I have felt capable.  It hasn't been... just feels that way.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get back just a little bit more.  I'm at about 80% today (as I had hoped).  Maybe by tomorrow I'll be at 85 or more.  I just needed those thoughts to stop... yup... you know the ones.  And they have.

I Spy

As I sat here finishing up the best short story I have read in quite some time ("World Enough And Time" by Linda McCullough Moore from The Sun, March 2011 issue)... good enough to bring me to tears... I am amazed at the clarity of mind that I have.  The past week or so has seen me pitch a fit internally.  Which leaves me wondering what is going on with me.  Is it my medication or could it be something that I have long overlooked?  Nothing too serious, mind you, but a noticeable difference that has faded away as of today.  The fatigue I have been feeling for the past several days has been wearing on me.  Exhaustion.  Just plain exhaustion.  I left my doctor a voicemail and have something to bring up to her when she calls me back on Tuesday.  She's off for the Easter holiday.  Possible medication change, possible new diagnosis... at least as I have read about it.  For the past several months I've begun to notice a definite pattern with my lady functions as well as the state of my mind.  I'll leave it up to the doctor to decide but from the reading I have done I fit the bill for PMDD.  Which would explain alot though I'm not sure what can really be done besides being more careful about my diet and exercise.  Taking anti-depressants with bipolar disorder can be very dangerous.  But, again, I will leave this up to my doctor.

A week ago - I was in NYC, having the time of my life.  And while my mind has not been perfectly clear over this past week, I have also not been officially depressed - just really freaking tired and bouts of extremely muddy thinking, short attention span, feeling completely out of control - the whole nine.  Still - in what I experienced last week I found a piece of hope that had not been there before.  A piece of me that is resigned to being alright with the state of things.  A part of me who's not as interested in going out quite as much has suddenly begun to poke through.  Not because I have lost interest in it precisely, just because I am somehow seeing things a bit differently.  I want to save my money, I want to experience things as I enjoy them.  I want to have better days (like last Saturday) instead of nights that leave me feeling cloudy for the next several days.  I want to be able to afford to travel as I have always dreamed.  And somehow, in experiencing myself so entirely last week, I see it is possible.  I just have to pick my priorities and stick to them in order to get what I want out of life.  It's time for me to really hit "go".

Last week, while in the Playwright, I spotted something that appeared to me so unbelievably perfect, I could barely believe I had never dreamt of it before.  As I came up from the bathroom, there sat a couple in the corner.  Both with a beer in front of them, sitting next to one another with little space between - enjoying each other's company so clearly while all the while keeping their respective noses lodged into their respective books.  I couldn't have asked for better timing on spotting them - and I wonder still how exactly they found each other.  This may not sound like the best thing ever to some people but to me, this appeared fantastic.  To be so comfortable with someone as to be able to comfortably sit in silence, in two worlds at once - the couple world as well as the individual world and just relax.  To have no need to be talking in order to entertain or find assurance that all is ok but merely to enjoy the simplicity of the other's mind as it whittles away at an experience all one's own.  I decided, at that moment, THAT is what I am looking for.  Not that I want silence at all times, there are times for talking - without a doubt.  And there are times for walking and laughing and joking.  But there should also comfortably be those quiet times as well. 

"Hey, hon... wanna go down to the bar and read?" 

"Sure, babe, sounds good.  We could grab lunch while we're there."

"Alright.  What are you reading right now anyway?"

And so it ensues.  The conversation that takes place on the way before settling into a comfortable seat in the back.  Just to mix it up a little, just to get off the couch. 

But - who knows - maybe they were reading to avoid one another.  Maybe they had a fight the night before that wasn't entirely worked out yet (nor will it ever REALLY be).  And maybe this is how they were cooling off.

I doubt it, though.  I very seriously and completely doubt it.  If for no other reason than the fact that they were holding my dreams in their hands.  Funny how once you see what you want in life and you discover it somehow, you begin to see things just a little differently.  You begin to see what it really can be, it can be exactly as you ask for it - all the while very different from what you first began.

 

Perceived By Me

Last night I went to dinner with the Redhead.  We chatted about this, chatted about that while trying a little Afghani food - for me, a definite (and tasty) first.  Amongst our talk, I came to realize something that was also pointed out to me during my recent therapy session as well.  While neither the Redhead nor my therapist said it quite this way, I am going to say it. 

I have to get out of my head when it comes to other people.  I have to learn how to just let them go along their merry (or not so merry) old way without internalizing it.  I have to learn how to not let them bug me about this, or about that.  Things that do not truly concern me.  My concern, while at times rooted in an almost parental outlook, needs to be let go of.  Simple as that.  I may not always agree or always like the road you're on but unless you've asked me for my opinion - I have to just let it go.  Live and let live, as they say.

Why do I struggle with this so much?  Why do people usually get to the point that they really, truly get under my skin and I no longer want to be around them?  Not all people... just some.  When it happens it's undeniable and I end up scurrying away from them for one main reason - some side of me, something I very much DO NOT like begins to come out of me and this is something I want to avoid.  If hanging out with you depresses me (every time - I am not talking a once in a while basis) - I either need to learn how to shake that depression or not allow it to affect me or I need to just stay away from you.  If you are just plain annoying to me, I have to learn how to ignore it.  If you do not value the same things as I do on a large scale, I have to learn to accept that (no one will value everything that I do and vice versa, I realize). 

But - then - I find myself asking a set of new questions.  Why do I feel I have to accept everyone as my friend and keep them in my life?  Not everyone has kept me around and that's ok.  Do I only turn my back on those who actually do me wrong?  Or is it ok to simply shy away from people who bring out the negative in me?  Part of me wants to just be able to always accept people as they are and feel all warm and fuzzy toward them anyway but that may be just a little too utopian (at least for where I am in my journey right now).  When does the line get drawn between acceptance of people with their (perceived by me) flaws and rejecting people because of their (perceived by me) flaws?  Is this ok at all or is it simply morally wrong to reject anyone when they haven't personally done me wrong in some way?  Somewhere in the years of me growing up, I appear to have missed something.  Most of the people I know seem to have no problem with these sort of things.  Or maybe they just don't talk about it or think about it as I do.  Everyone I know - especially myself - have things that may be considered a little askew by others.  Flaws that are sometimes obvious and other times not so obvious.  And while some people are just a little too much for me in some way, shape or form - others are just fine in my book.  Despite what I agree with, what I don't, despite some of their choices or non-choices, despite many things, I still love them anyway.  Without fail. 

So, I guess the main question is this - how does one specifically decide that they do or do not want to spend time with someone?  (I am not talking about dating here.)  When do we cross the line into being just plain judgemental and when are we just saying "we just don't mesh".  My struggle seems to come mostly from trying to fight the "just don't mesh".  I wonder what about me feels the need to fight that or to justify it.  Guess that's what I have to figure out... why the fight? 

Another blog, another time.
       

Roses in the Rain

Ahh... I'm feeling rested.  Feeling much like someone might after a good vacation (usually).  Even if you were active - even if you had a blast and partied it up... the truth is a good enough day or few days can make you feel a sense of hope that sometimes slips away otherwise.

On Saturday I ventured into NYC by myself - for the first time.  I was on my own timetable, doing my own thing, exploring as I like to explore - despite the wind and the rain.  I headed up in time to make it comfortably to my hair appointment at 1pm.  Leaving here around 10am.  I made it to Hoboken with no problem and took the Path into the city.  I enjoy doing the Hoboken thing because it provides me with the opportunity to come and go as I please.  No train or bus to make sure to catch at a specific time.  The parking lot in Hoboken is 24 hours so there are no worries there.  (Though if it had been warmer, I would have driven around to try and find a free spot... somewhere.)  I went the wrong was toward Journal Square on the train at first but turned myself around.  Once I was in the city, I hailed a cab with the confidence of someone who's done it a hundred times before.  My hair was done earlier than I figured it would be and I headed out on the street.  The rain was just beginning to leak from the sky.  I had to find somewhere to buy an umbrella as well as a notebook and paper to write with.  I had the entire afternoon free for myself before planning to meet a friend of mine for dinner. 

So... I wandered for a bit, staying close to the subway openings that would lead me to where I needed to go for dinner, which lay somewhere on the border of Harlem and Washington Heights.  The rain was picking up so I slipped into the Playwright and had myself a beer.  I enjoyed an article from a past issue of the New Yorker and then slipped back out into the weather.  I wandered a bit more and found another place to stop.  For just a short few minutes I found myself sitting at a bar alone - in NYC.  I ordered an appetizer and another beer, this time I pulled out my paper and pen.  People came in and I finished up, slid into the bathroom and put on some makeup for dinner.  Out into the weather I went again.  I wandered for a few before finding the growing desire to get back inside.  My umbrella had flipped inside and out about 15 times by now.  Once inside the mall I found a bookstore where I bought a recent bestseller.  After leaving the bookstore I stumbled upon the find of the trip for me.  A Salvador Dali exhibit.  Oh, how I wish I had a spare $378,000.  But - I don't.  After finishing up there, I found another bar - a bit seedier than the rest but I enjoyed most of another article along with one more beer while I waited for go-time to come.

I ventured across town.  Downtown, to be exact.  Though, at first, I headed Uptown.  Luckily a friendly enough woman on the train confirmed to me that I needed to be going the other way.  I did so willingly, without any frustration.  I had given myself an hour to find the restaurant.

Once I got to 125th, I got off the train and went out to the street.  Ok... this part of NY is not the area I am used to.  I had no idea which way to head so I just started walking.  The wrong way.  Once again, someone who was friendly enough gave me a tip and I headed out the way she said.  In that part of town, there are no cabs to grab.  Which was unfortunate for me but even more unfortunate for my bladder.  While the wind and rain pushed me down a hill in a light unintentional jog (me laughing all the while) I forgot I had to go.  By the time, however, that the hill leveled out... I really had to go.  I had a moment like this a little while ago - last summer... maybe.  Maybe the one before... but then I was at home.  This time, I was in Harlem (or maybe a little into Washington Heights), and I could not find a bathroom.  In a moment of tension and fear, I spied an alley where I felt I could slip into.  By the time I got to the alley, my bladder had reached a fever pitch.  Yet - much to my chagrin - I discovered that this wasn't an alley - what I was seeing was merely a trick of the eyes and the light.  This was merely a corner and a wall.  Like a dog I circled as cars passed by.  (Which lead me to believe that not all of the people acting strangely in cities are crazy - maybe they just have to GO.)  Once I heard silence on the car front, I went for it.  The fastest public bathroom break of my life.  "Please don't get arrested, please don't get arrested, please don't get arrested," was all I could think.  The good news is, I did not get arrested nor did any cars pass by as I was doing what I needed to do.

After finishing up and feeling a sense of relief that only comes with one thing, I left my corner to discover that the restaurant I was looking for lay right before me.  Sigh... in the time I spent circling, I could have made it there.  Oh well... relief was still washing over me (as well as rain), I made my way in and sat at the bar to wait for my friend.  I blotted the sweat off my brow and decided what to do if she didn't end up being able to make it.  I would simply head back to the station.  She made it - and there were no issues.  We had a good meal, we went back to the subway together, making our way back across town.  I headed home to the Path with an exhaustion I haven't felt in oh-so-long.  The kind that comes with a long, satisfying albeit wet day.

I slept better Saturday night than I have in quite a while.

After all this is said and done, I have to say that I will be doing this again.  It may not always be NYC... it may just be in Philly.  It may be down the shore... it may be right in my own town... it may be in a new city, in a new way.  I'm going to relax, take a moment to breathe and just take it as it comes.  And that's what NYC taught me this weekend.  I don't have all the time in the world but I do have enough time to enjoy myself.  The definition of smelling the roses.  I'm going to begin working on this new way of working it.  I'm going to be chill about it - stop trying to control it and keep my focus where it needs to be.

   

     

Confined

In the past several weeks I have gone through Numero Uno to Numero Cuatro.  Meanwhile, there have been several guys that I have spoken to or text with.  And, in the end, I am feeling oh so worn out by the prospects set in place.

No, I don't want to talk about "if we're together long enough, you'll see..."  We're not even together yet.  Let's find out what we really think of each other first before planning a weekend in September.

No, I don't want to keep setting phone dates.  I don't like to plan my life around a phone call.  Call me if you're going to call me.  If I'm not around at the exact moment you call, I will get back to you.  I do not enjoy (it makes me squirm immensely) having to be ready and by the phone at 8:30pm.  Just call.  If you want to make a date with me, make a date to meet me.  If we were in an actual full-blown relationship, there would be a time and place for setting a time to call.  (I'd be willing to bend on this one if we were at least crazy about one another and knew it.)  If we've never even met in person, I will not plan my life around it.  (Not anymore, at least.)

No, I do not want to have an email-only relationship.  How long should we write back and forth before meeting?  We're both local, dude.

No, I am not thinking about marriage quite yet.  You may be but, again, let's see how we get along first.

No, I do not want to hear a long explanation about what happened in your last relationship.  A quick synopsis is fine.  If you are unable to do it without telling me all about how completely awful she was to you (and getting worked up about it), you're probably not ready to really be back out there yet.  Give me a brief explanation for now.  "We just wanted different things".  Details can come out as we get to know each other.

No, I do not want to date someone without a job who has no intention of getting one.  If your parents are asking you to find one then you probably need to find one.  And you probably need to stop looking for dates instead.

No, I do not believe that sacrificing everything I want out of life for you makes me the perfect woman.  I think it makes me a pushover.

No, I do not particularly want to date someone who's 16 years my senior.  (Unless I met you in real life and just couldn't help myself.)

No, I'm not really sure that I can be attracted to someone who doesn't have a life.  ALWAYS being available kind of freaks me out... where's your social life?  Unless you're new to the area and living alone... I would expect you to have at least a little something going on.

So, after all these things have popped up and shown their faces... I have made a decision.  I am taking a step back.  A few steps back.  Am I keeping my profiles up?  Sure.  Am I answering everyone that I have been?  No.  While I haven't been responding to most of the people who hit me up... for nearly every one, for one reason or another, I have stretched myself out without much excitement.  Meanwhile, my life has not been staying even keel.  I've lost track of me a bit.  Not completely but somewhat. 

I'm going back to just simply keep trying to be the best me I can be.  I have to admit I was having alot more fun when that was my main focus.  And, the truth is, that's the kind of guy I need and want too.  Someone who's just trying to live the best life they can with what they've got... plan for the future but live for today.    And call me when you have a chance, I'll do the same.  The fact of the matter is, I am more of a free spirit than what these guys are asking for.  Which I make very clear in my profiles.  I may not be the most free of the free spirits out there but please don't try to put me in a box from the beginning and figure out if I'm going to be your girlfriend by next week - and then when we can count on settling down after that.  Let's just see how it goes.  

After 8 Weeks

In an embarrassing moment at the front gate, I pulled in while feeling something snap inside me.  I went into a cloud for a few minutes that left the guard unsure of what to make of me - at least for the moment that I saw him.  My movement to show him my badge was irregularly slow and for a moment I was looking right through him, barely seeing him.  I couldn't make out what I was doing let alone who he was - a complete sensation of disassociation.  The strangest part of that feeling is the inability to think.  You know something is happening but you are unable to place it - or even think far enough into it to say "something's happening".  For just a couple minutes I remained in that fog and I could barely move.  I am not talking a dramatic swing of events where I was just seemingly exhausted - I simply couldn't move correctly.  Though for a few minutes after I came back to myself, I was completely exhausted - took at least another 15 for me to fully recover.  And I am ready for a good night's sleep tonight.  For a split second I thought that was it - a brain hemorrhage and the end of Gem was near.  But - no - not the case.  I was simply coming out of a depression that has been building for weeks.

At work I have been snapping left and right.  I have been a miserable B-I-T-C-H.  While some of my anger is very well justified, some of it is not.  Some of it is deserved and some of it is not.  I have been a mess at home as well.  Unable to catch up to where I need to be.

Knowing that I was in a completely mixed state (as I have been for a good chunk of the last several weeks), I looked up my disorder and it's symptoms for the first time in a really long time.  And here is what I have been reminded of: (from helpguide.org) - my comments are in bold:

Self-help for bipolar disorder


While dealing with bipolar disorder isn’t always easy, it doesn’t have to run your life. But in order to successfully manage bipolar disorder, you have to make smart choices. Your lifestyle and daily habits have a significant impact on your moods. Read on for ways to help yourself:

Get educated. Learn as much as you can about bipolar disorder. The more you know, the better you’ll be at assisting your own recovery. - no problem, been there, doing that 

Keep stress in check. Avoid high-stress situations, maintain a healthy work-life balance, and try relaxation techniques such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing. - this I have not been doing at all, I'm working alot, trying to keep up with school, feeling the pressure of needing to start looking seriously for new job and coming upon a very bumpy road at work itself, the issues are daily and they keep getting more and more intense, changes, changes, changes

Seek support. It’s important to have people you can turn to for help and encouragement. Try joining a support group or talking to a trusted friend.  - I have a hard time with this and I haven't been able to see my therapist for quite a while, mostly because I was trying to avoid mixing up my schedule at work anymore than it already is, I do not like talking to my friends and family about it very often because it's embarrassing, it shouldn't be but it is,  maybe it's all in my head but I feel as though most people would rather I just not mention it. I can only control it so much and I am scared that people are going to get so sick and tired of hearing about it that I just don't mention it very often anymore - also - sometimes it doesn't occur to me what is really going on until I'm well into a messy place. 

Make healthy choices. Healthy sleeping, eating, and exercising habits can help stabilize your moods. Keeping a regular sleep schedule is particularly important. - nope, nope, nope been failing miserably at this.  The sleep has been a problem for a while - partially because my work schedule has been so erratic and partially because I just haven't been taking my medication at the same general time.  I can comfortably make a small variation once - maybe twice a week, if I can get a little extra sleep the next day.  And once my sleep is off consistently enough, everything else is too - it may not show at first but the trickle begins and leads to a waterfall before I know it.  Eating - all I have been eating is a whole bunch of not so good for me stuff.  Very few veggies and very few fruits.  Now that I will be returning to a consist first shift schedule this week, this should be easier to change - along with getting back to daily exercise.  Oh man, I cannot wait to start taking walks outside.

Monitor your moods. Keep track of your symptoms and watch for signs that your moods are swinging out of control so you can stop the problem before it starts.  - maybe I should actually consider starting to do this, I never have kept a mood journal.

I will tell you the worst part of having episodes (even if they're not full-on mania)... what have I said... what have I done that I have to swallow and just move on... without feeling embarrassment.  While not every moment of the last few weeks has been completely off, I know I've behaved in some ways I am not proud of.  Obsessing again, fixating on certain issues that I would normally let slide off my back.  Amazing part is that when I take my meds at a decent hour for falling asleep and I wake up at a decent hour... I usually start feeling better within 24.  Which is what happened to me today.  Sad part about the past two months is how inconsistent my nights and days have been.  I might have started to feel better, just to fall back into the trap again.  I even almost forgot to take my meds a few times last week.  Which was about the first time I had to ask myself what was wrong with me.  I take them religiously - how I started to forget about them, I have no idea.

What Others Don't See

In my life, at times, I have struggled with my faith.  In this struggle I have wrestled with my own angel of Jacob.  I have tried to force it.  (I do believe.  I do believe.  I DO BELIEVE.  Sigh... I still don't truly believe.)  I have also given up on it.  (I'll come around when You come around.  Crap.  We're both still here.)  I have begged and pleaded and screamed and cried.  (Come on, show me You're real.  Show me You care.  SHOW ME!!!!)  And, inevitably, after getting past the exclamation points I begin to see the blessings - whether they are an obvious answer to prayer or not.

Ultimately, through all my attempts I have more often than not ended up on my face, lying in a mud puddle made up of my own dirt and tears.  In this mud, which slowly drips down my face as I pick myself back up, I usually end up finding something.  Two somethings to be exact.  One - my mistakes.  Two - the answer to my prayers.  Sometimes they are at first hidden in the dirt, just like an earthworm - doing their duty and living their own important lives, whether we notice or not.

Lately, however, I have discovered my faith in one area (yes, after some prayer but not so many tears); within the realm of dating and my love life.  (Now if I could just find it in the realm of my job - I would be set.)

What others around my age appear to fear in this realm, I rarely do: ending up alone, no kids, no husband or wife, no future generations carrying on one's DNA.  The fact that this may or may not happen simply does not panic me.  And why not -  especially when it often seems to panic those around me?  In my heart of hearts I know - somehow - that I am not going to "miss out" on whatever is meant to be mine.

I have faith in the fact that if it doesn't work out - that's ok.  I have faith in the fact that it is not sad to have it not work out.  (Not that it never feels sad... it does... emotions are only human.)  I have faith that there is someone out there who is "right" for me - I will meet him eventually and he will meet me, when we are supposed to.  Apparently - right now - we're busy doing other things.  (Unless I end up falling head over heels for Numero Cuatro, of course.)  I have faith that this opportunity will not pass me by.  I have faith that I will know it when it crosses my path - and he will know it too.  I have faith that the dreams I have finally cultivated will not be put aside because his will be more important - they will be equal.  (And most likely pointing in similar direction.)  I have faith that I am meant to fall in love (again - maybe a few more times) - all I have to do is wait.  I have faith not only in the bigger picture but I will feel "it" again; that thing I have felt before - something like flying, something like floating, something like knowing all is right with the world and everyone will be OK.  Like a heroin high (or so I have been told), you simply cannot go back to mediocre, if you're going to play around with drugs at all.

Does my faith ever waver?  Sure... once in a while (particularly on Thanksgiving and Christmas) but it doesn't usually last for long.  As long as I am out there giving it a try... then I am doing all I have to do to "make it happen".  There are many things in life that cannot be forced.

Yet, it is in my faith that I often end up feeling a sense of frustration.  Not with myself but rather with some of those around me.  When I hear someone feel disappointed for me - or in me - I get a sickening feeling in my stomach.  When I see the "aww... poor you" look in someone's eyes I get agitated.  When I hear "I really want you to meet somebody," I hear "because I know you're terribly lonely," silently follow it up.  While I recognize that I am sometimes taking too much to heart and that most of these folks are coming from a good place, wishing for my happiness - what I wish they would realize is that while I every once in a while have moments of loneliness, I am not overall LONELY nor am I unhappy (ok - maybe when I am at work, just a little bit).  The truth of the matter is, I AM happy.  While I am waiting for my plane, I am not sitting cranky on the concourse... I am in the bar having a well deserved beer and loving it.

That is what faith does for me, after all; it reminds me that I am still young and free.  It reminds me that I would rather be single and happy than married and unhappy.  I would rather wake up alone than next to someone I secretly despise for not being the person I wasn't willing to wait for.  I would rather not have children than raise them with someone who does not share my values, ideals, worldview - and my life.  I would rather have the right to explore than feel like a caged animal just because I didn't have the courage to say "I don't". 

Faith brings me through my occasional fears and delivers me home again.  In my mind, in my heart and in God.  To have continued on with ANY of the relationships that have passed me by would have been the opposite of faith - it would have been from a place of darkness - a place that I have, in fact, been before.

Maybe sometimes I should feel a more acute sense of disappointment when dates go bad or just plain fizzle out.  But - I rarely do.  Even when it was or is - something I thought I wanted.  If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.  At least I know that if and when it is meant to - it simply will.

And, that, my friends, is faith.  The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Heb 11:1)
   

Numero Tres

Last week I dated and moved on from Numero Tres.  Faster than a blink, yes.  Shoot - I didn't even have the chance to mention him on here.  But a mini-relationship, sure.  Not a real one - just a mini one.  One date, yes.  Enough texting to make me cringe (yes, physically - in front of mom no less) - absolutely.  An ugly ending?  Pretty much.  This was no polite goodbye.  I will momentarily quote our final conversation for you.

We had begun talking at some point toward the end of the week prior.  At first - at VERY first - it was fine.  Then, not so slowly, the conversation turned sexual.  One way sexual.  His claim was that he was just trying to see how compatible we were.  Really?  Maybe I am old fashioned at times but I do think we should probably find out if we have anything else in common first.  Just a thought.  Then, after meeting in real life and seeing how our chemistry is, we can maybe broach the topic of fucking.  This is not a matter of being a prude, it's a matter of simple respect.  As a full-grown woman, I am no longer all about just one thing.  The fact of the matter is that the most sexually exciting relationships of my life have come from amazing chemistry and attraction - not from discussing the compatibility of our sexuality.  (How freaking BORING does that sound?)  While it never hurts to discuss, discuss, discuss, sometimes it is best to just let nature take it's course.  One way or the other.  (Silly, silly boy.)  So - I called him on the fact that I would appreciate him trying to get to know me as a whole person and that I simply didn't want to go out with him.  His response was that he was just trying to see how compatible we were.  My gut was saying "no, no, no" but my mind was hearing him out. 

In the end I did choose to ignore my gut and I went out with Numero Tres last Tuesday night. 

Oops.  A few too many beers in and a pleasant yet not so magical kiss goodnight later, I found myself completely unexcited and uninspired.  A fun night, yes... a memorable night, not so much - once the slight hangover wore off.   I also began thinking about some of what was said, some of what I heard between the lines and some of how I just simply felt no interest in pursuing this further - especially after hearing THE voicemail.  (more on this in a moment)

He, however, was very interested.  Very, very interested.  He is looking for a relationship.  I am looking for someone I really, really enjoy spending time with.  I am looking for a relationship as well - but that is almost secondary to finding the "right" person.  In this case, he wasn't the right match for me, not even for one date more.  We meshed well over a few beers but what happens when we don't drink?  At this point, I guess we'll never know.

As for the message...

Prior to us going out on Tuesday night, I had been at work.  After work, I stopped by my home to put on some makeup and check the hair.  After that, I drove to the bar we were meeting at.  When I am at work - most days - my phone is on vibrate.  I often forget to turn the vibrate off.  As I was driving to the bar, it occured to me that I should probably let him know that I was on my way.  By the time this crossed my mind, however, the bar was already in sight so I decided to wait until I was parked to let him know where I physically stood.  At ten minutes early, I slid into a spot and promptly pulled the phone out of my purse.

FIVE MISSED CALLS.  And one voicemail.  Numero Tres had called me FIVE times in a row.

I did not listen to the message but went on to call him instead.  His tone was annoyed but he relaxed while I apologized because my phone was on vibrate when he called me.  The apology was simply for not thinking ahead or thinking of taking my phone off vibrate.  I often specifically try to remember to do this when I have plans with someone, in case they need to get in touch with me.  This apology was NOT for missing his calls.  We had plans to meet, not call one another.

A few days after our date, while my interest had already waned - I listened to his message to me while clearing out my inbox.  If I had heard it prior to meeting him I wouldn't have met him at all.  I would have slid right back out of that spot and headed home.  Here's the summation of what I would recommend avoiding, based on this one voicemail:

I wouldn't recommend assuming that if someone is standing you up or "dumping" you, that they would give even the slightest care in the world as to whether or not you may be wasting gas.

I wouldn't recommend getting angry because your date has not picked up the phone prior to the date - at the exact moment you called - anything could be happening.  If you're meeting at 9 o'clock - 9:05 is when you start feeling some sort of way - depending on your personality and thought process, of course.  Not at 8:50 or before.

His tone was what got me most and I began to really feel my "uh-oh" alert go off from somewhere deep inside.  A few days after I listened to the message we were still texting and had a date set up for Sunday night.  I no longer had any desire to bother with it so I had become a complete minimalist in my responses.  I secretly hoped he would get it but he didn't - instead he was crazy excited about our second date.

I confided in my Dear Friend about him - slowly letting things leak here and there... periodic as it was... and in her quiet way she simply stated that he did not sound right for me.  She was right.  I knew, she knew... my mom even knew it.  I was finding myself pushing toward a second date merely to get past my one date hump... ending it before giving it a real chance.  I finally came to the conclusion that I should let him know before continuing to waste time/effort/money.  And I decided text was fine... after only one date and also because I could smell the drama in the air.

Here's how it went down: (in the order the messages were received/sent on my phone - spelling and punctuation is accurate except in the case of "you")

NT - Numero Tres
Gem - me

Gem: Hi Numero Tres - I need to be honest, this isn't going to work for me.  I don't want to lead you on or waste your time so I feel I should let you know now.  Good luck out there and I hope you find what you are looking for.

NT: What did I do now

NT: Like what is with you, you say everything is good then this

Gem: You didn't do anything specifically.  I just had time to think about it and we're not a match.

Gem: No need to say something is with me.  If I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it.  I am sorry.  I wish you the best.

NT: Yea you right don't waste my time.  You could have at least have the nerve to call.  I have delt with enough crazy people.  Don't need another one all you Do is flip flop

NT: It's cool don't waste your time.  And I won't waste anymore of mine on you.  You'll never hear from me again hope you find your "match" on -----.  Bye

(----- is the name of the dating website we met through)

Gem: (silence...)

I decided to just let him have a go at it.  Let it out.  That's right... prove it to me that my decision was the right one.  Yeah... that's it... prove it.

Thank you.

And now onto Numero Cuatro... who appears so far to be someone kind of special.