Briefly Noted Book Reviews
2 years ago
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Everything's Changed
I'm feeling rather introverted today. And it's probably best that I keep it that way. Except during therapy, that is. Am I listening to my horoscope a bit? Yes, yes I am. But, I actually simply agree with it. There's alot of mixed up stuff going on inside. The last week has been alot to take in and get used to. A new way of looking at life, really. Everything is different now. Very different. That little guy getting sick has changed nearly everything.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
8 Toxins
Here's a really good article. I've been doing alot of rethinking my relationships lately... this seems to be a decent (though certainly not the only) resource.
8 Toxic personalities to avoid by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance
Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.
Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.
Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."
Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.
Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.
Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.
Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.
Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?
8 Toxic personalities to avoid by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance
Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.
Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.
Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."
Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.
Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.
Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.
Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.
Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Scenery
I've never considered myself "good" with kids. I love them. I think they're the neatest things ever. (Well, they're not "things" but you know...) I mean, I've babysat and I have lots of beautiful kids in my life. And I'm always open to welcoming more of them in. Friends kids, nieces, nephews. I do love children. They're great. And they know how to bounce back in a way that adults could only hope to.
But... when they're hurting, you hurt. Especially when you have no way to take away their hurt. When they yell out in their suffering, a cut goes right across your heart. In a way that nothing else could. The scars can wear you down and make you nearly immobile. But, you can't be immobile because kids need you. Even if they recover better and more quickly than adults. Especially from physical pain.
However, last night as I watched my nieces run around the yard with biff and her fiance, I was struck. At the sheer beauty of what's important and what's not. For the people who care as opposed to the people who don't care. Or don't want to stretch themselves out in the name of caring. Sometimes they just don't know what to do. Or sometimes they can't get past themselves long enough to see what's really needed or what's really going on. But, as these girls ran around the yard, playing a variation of dodgeball, it all became abundantly clear. Those hours we're spending in the hospital, the hours spent in the yard, the time with one another is so precious and so little of our actual time. We have to embrace it. It's love in action. It's powerful and it's strong. And sometimes it means tears and anguish. Sometimes it's not exactly all you think it should be. But, it's human and it's frail. And needs to be nourished at every possible moment. Everything else is just scenery.
But... when they're hurting, you hurt. Especially when you have no way to take away their hurt. When they yell out in their suffering, a cut goes right across your heart. In a way that nothing else could. The scars can wear you down and make you nearly immobile. But, you can't be immobile because kids need you. Even if they recover better and more quickly than adults. Especially from physical pain.
However, last night as I watched my nieces run around the yard with biff and her fiance, I was struck. At the sheer beauty of what's important and what's not. For the people who care as opposed to the people who don't care. Or don't want to stretch themselves out in the name of caring. Sometimes they just don't know what to do. Or sometimes they can't get past themselves long enough to see what's really needed or what's really going on. But, as these girls ran around the yard, playing a variation of dodgeball, it all became abundantly clear. Those hours we're spending in the hospital, the hours spent in the yard, the time with one another is so precious and so little of our actual time. We have to embrace it. It's love in action. It's powerful and it's strong. And sometimes it means tears and anguish. Sometimes it's not exactly all you think it should be. But, it's human and it's frail. And needs to be nourished at every possible moment. Everything else is just scenery.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Hold Me, He Said
Stomping my feet and falling to my knees. While others screamed and banged their heads against a wall. Tearful goodbyes for the night and the waiting game goes on, what type will it be? A.L.L. is the type we hope for. The other type, we're not even going to acknowledge completely. Because it just can't be that. It simply won't be that. We'll find out today.
Such a precious little guy with a normally sunny disposition. Smiles and laughing, he's got his daddy's knack for lighting up a room. Our little football player, ready to charge into the fun once he hits the ground. But, right now, his hiney hurts. He's had an infection there for months. The antibiotics weren't working. Thursday night we found out why. Because the antibiotics were headed to something else. They were headed to fight the cancer. The human body is amazing, it knows what it needs to protect. It needs to protect the life held inside.
My nephew has leukemia. And my father sat by his side helplessly as we waited for him to wake up from surgery. I've never seen my father cry. Last night I saw him shaking in a way that could have only been that. Biff went with me, in case I couldn't hold it together and my beloved kept checking on me. But, my mind is somewhere else right now. It's not on my feelings because quite frankly they've gone silent.
However long this takes, everything else takes a backseat. He's front and center, which means caring for his parents and siblings as well. He keeps saying, as he's been saying for months, "hold me". Don't worry, buddy... no one's letting you go.
Such a precious little guy with a normally sunny disposition. Smiles and laughing, he's got his daddy's knack for lighting up a room. Our little football player, ready to charge into the fun once he hits the ground. But, right now, his hiney hurts. He's had an infection there for months. The antibiotics weren't working. Thursday night we found out why. Because the antibiotics were headed to something else. They were headed to fight the cancer. The human body is amazing, it knows what it needs to protect. It needs to protect the life held inside.
My nephew has leukemia. And my father sat by his side helplessly as we waited for him to wake up from surgery. I've never seen my father cry. Last night I saw him shaking in a way that could have only been that. Biff went with me, in case I couldn't hold it together and my beloved kept checking on me. But, my mind is somewhere else right now. It's not on my feelings because quite frankly they've gone silent.
However long this takes, everything else takes a backseat. He's front and center, which means caring for his parents and siblings as well. He keeps saying, as he's been saying for months, "hold me". Don't worry, buddy... no one's letting you go.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
New Ground
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say
- The Middle, Jimmy Eat World
Back when this song came out, I used it as inspiration for "waiting" for my ex to come around and be prepared to buckle down. All these years later, I finally understand it for what it is meant to mean.
I think.
Or, at least, how I interpret it.
"Just do your best, do everything you can".
I'm trying to. In everything I do. And it's taking some getting used to. In a strange way, making healthier decisions as of late has caused me to feel slightly depressed. Though last night and this morning I got to feeling good about making the better decisions.
I'll keep trying my best and I'll do everything I can. We'll see where it goes...
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say
- The Middle, Jimmy Eat World
Back when this song came out, I used it as inspiration for "waiting" for my ex to come around and be prepared to buckle down. All these years later, I finally understand it for what it is meant to mean.
I think.
Or, at least, how I interpret it.
"Just do your best, do everything you can".
I'm trying to. In everything I do. And it's taking some getting used to. In a strange way, making healthier decisions as of late has caused me to feel slightly depressed. Though last night and this morning I got to feeling good about making the better decisions.
I'll keep trying my best and I'll do everything I can. We'll see where it goes...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Inspired and Incomplete
Mojitos and BBQ. Good stuff. Good friends. Good stuff. Last night was good stuff. Pretty much without exception. The only exception being that summer just does not want to show it's face. Or, at least, late spring. Which we are now heading into. It got chilly outside and once we headed in, I grew quickly exhausted and called it an early evening.
We talked about all the general goings ons in our lives and we discussed a mutual friend and her inability to get past or over her past. It's something we all struggle with from time to time, some more than others, of course. I know I've had a hard time reconciling on plenty of occasions and that's my main goal in therapy at the moment. To reconcile my past to my present. To understand that I'm not permanently damaged but, rather, to understand who I am in spite of much of what's been done.
The funny thing about the friend we discussed... she's the one who gave me the idea for therapy. She had started therapy after the past she's simply not over exploded all over her. (And everyone else... I could still hit him for what he did.) I'm not so sure she finished her therapy though. Or if she took the easy way out. Rebounding into a marriage. I hope she is happy, I really do but sadly I don't think that's the case. I never want to end up there. Having something just for the sake of having it, just because everyone else does. I want to have it because it's authentic and real and what I've worked for.
We talked about all the general goings ons in our lives and we discussed a mutual friend and her inability to get past or over her past. It's something we all struggle with from time to time, some more than others, of course. I know I've had a hard time reconciling on plenty of occasions and that's my main goal in therapy at the moment. To reconcile my past to my present. To understand that I'm not permanently damaged but, rather, to understand who I am in spite of much of what's been done.
The funny thing about the friend we discussed... she's the one who gave me the idea for therapy. She had started therapy after the past she's simply not over exploded all over her. (And everyone else... I could still hit him for what he did.) I'm not so sure she finished her therapy though. Or if she took the easy way out. Rebounding into a marriage. I hope she is happy, I really do but sadly I don't think that's the case. I never want to end up there. Having something just for the sake of having it, just because everyone else does. I want to have it because it's authentic and real and what I've worked for.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
How It Should Be
I want to tell you a story. A story about a dream I had. Not the MLK type of dream but an actual while you are sleeping dream. And a story about the purest love I have ever experienced or I think possible for this world.
Earlier, I went out for a cigarette and I got to thinking about the cutest boy ever and I wondered if I really wish him well or if I wish him well because I'm "supposed" to. The fact is, I wish him well but it's not one hundred percent pure. There's a kind of glitch in there that's only human. A kind of skipping of a beat in the heart, a kind of thinking that he needs to go through some serious growing pains like all of us do. It's not that I would want to be in charge of these growing pains or even that I actually wish it on him but it's better to get the growing pains out of the way early so you can move on more quickly and live a full life... happiness, joy, all the good stuff.
So... after I had those thoughts, as thoughts seem to do, I suddenly remembered my Megs. My babygirl. And I got all warm and fuzzy inside, remembering what it felt like to hug her when she was all curled up in a little ball, sleeping or resting on the floor. She couldn't hear me when I'd come up behind her, at least not in the last few years but I'd get down on the floor with her and wrap my arms around her. She'd pick up her little head, look into my face and sniff. She was never huge on the kiss giving but she would do her little look, through her foggy lenses and we'd share a moment of just "hi mom" and "I missed you". It was always so nice. Then she'd get up, slowly, one section of her tiny body at a time and stretch. Tail up, hind section up, and she'd look at me. Then she'd head for the stairs so we could go for a walk.
One night... towards the end I went to sleep and had an incredibly vivid dream. Megs was sick by then but she was still moving around a bit, tired and worn down but still sort of ok. Her arthritis had gotten the best of her (and me) by then but it wasn't time yet, she wasn't going to pass away in her sleep or anything. She'd been through a traumatic few years. Between being uprooted from her home and her dad and brother (my ex and our cat) and placed in a new home with a new family (my parents) and then having surgery and ER runs in the middle of the night, it'd been a tough time for anyone who loved her. And for her, especially.
In the dream, she and I were in a hotel in Miami beach. We were running around the lobby of the hotel, when suddenly she took a flying leap out of the window. And she took off for what could only be described as a "grassy knoll" across the street. Right before the beach. So... I panicked, as I always did. I panicked that she would get lost. I was incredibly protective of her in real life as well so the emotion I felt in the dream was completely powerful. I then ran out the door, across the street and onto the grass. I started walking toward Megs. She was standing there. Not coming to me. People were all around, doing what they do at the beach. Riding bikes, taking jogs, walking to and from cars. And there was a man. Megs went to run toward me but he placed his hand on her. I started to run towards them. They didn't move, Meg just laid down under the weight of this man's hand. She just stayed there and I began to scream. Looking around, screaming out for help, about how this man was trying to take my dog. No one flinched, no one looked. But him. The man looked right at me with the most crystal blue eyes, eyes you could practically see through. And I stopped screaming. He didn't have to say anything. I understood it all just by seeing his eyes.
That morning when I woke up... I knew. Megs would not make it through the week. And within three days, she didn't. She had to be put down. That dream helped me cope with that reality. Because, honestly, the love I have felt and that I know she felt for me was so simple, so true. I didn't want her to suffer and she didn't want to suffer. No one did anyone wrong. I tried my best to keep her alive and healthy. I went thousands of dollars into debt for it. I'll be paying it back for quite a while. But, I don't mind. I got to experience something amazing. Pure love... just two beings who wanted to be around each other without anyone trying to do anything. No manipulation, no hurts. Just love.
I'm not sure if this is possible with people but wouldn't it be nice to try?
Earlier, I went out for a cigarette and I got to thinking about the cutest boy ever and I wondered if I really wish him well or if I wish him well because I'm "supposed" to. The fact is, I wish him well but it's not one hundred percent pure. There's a kind of glitch in there that's only human. A kind of skipping of a beat in the heart, a kind of thinking that he needs to go through some serious growing pains like all of us do. It's not that I would want to be in charge of these growing pains or even that I actually wish it on him but it's better to get the growing pains out of the way early so you can move on more quickly and live a full life... happiness, joy, all the good stuff.
So... after I had those thoughts, as thoughts seem to do, I suddenly remembered my Megs. My babygirl. And I got all warm and fuzzy inside, remembering what it felt like to hug her when she was all curled up in a little ball, sleeping or resting on the floor. She couldn't hear me when I'd come up behind her, at least not in the last few years but I'd get down on the floor with her and wrap my arms around her. She'd pick up her little head, look into my face and sniff. She was never huge on the kiss giving but she would do her little look, through her foggy lenses and we'd share a moment of just "hi mom" and "I missed you". It was always so nice. Then she'd get up, slowly, one section of her tiny body at a time and stretch. Tail up, hind section up, and she'd look at me. Then she'd head for the stairs so we could go for a walk.
One night... towards the end I went to sleep and had an incredibly vivid dream. Megs was sick by then but she was still moving around a bit, tired and worn down but still sort of ok. Her arthritis had gotten the best of her (and me) by then but it wasn't time yet, she wasn't going to pass away in her sleep or anything. She'd been through a traumatic few years. Between being uprooted from her home and her dad and brother (my ex and our cat) and placed in a new home with a new family (my parents) and then having surgery and ER runs in the middle of the night, it'd been a tough time for anyone who loved her. And for her, especially.
In the dream, she and I were in a hotel in Miami beach. We were running around the lobby of the hotel, when suddenly she took a flying leap out of the window. And she took off for what could only be described as a "grassy knoll" across the street. Right before the beach. So... I panicked, as I always did. I panicked that she would get lost. I was incredibly protective of her in real life as well so the emotion I felt in the dream was completely powerful. I then ran out the door, across the street and onto the grass. I started walking toward Megs. She was standing there. Not coming to me. People were all around, doing what they do at the beach. Riding bikes, taking jogs, walking to and from cars. And there was a man. Megs went to run toward me but he placed his hand on her. I started to run towards them. They didn't move, Meg just laid down under the weight of this man's hand. She just stayed there and I began to scream. Looking around, screaming out for help, about how this man was trying to take my dog. No one flinched, no one looked. But him. The man looked right at me with the most crystal blue eyes, eyes you could practically see through. And I stopped screaming. He didn't have to say anything. I understood it all just by seeing his eyes.
That morning when I woke up... I knew. Megs would not make it through the week. And within three days, she didn't. She had to be put down. That dream helped me cope with that reality. Because, honestly, the love I have felt and that I know she felt for me was so simple, so true. I didn't want her to suffer and she didn't want to suffer. No one did anyone wrong. I tried my best to keep her alive and healthy. I went thousands of dollars into debt for it. I'll be paying it back for quite a while. But, I don't mind. I got to experience something amazing. Pure love... just two beings who wanted to be around each other without anyone trying to do anything. No manipulation, no hurts. Just love.
I'm not sure if this is possible with people but wouldn't it be nice to try?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
VIPs Welcome
Well, I'm feeling alright. A-ok, as some would say. I spent yesterday feeling cranky and anxiety filled. Anxiety filled means moments of pure panic, split seconds, really that were the same old circular thoughts, the triggers that usually leads into a panic attack for me. But, I didn't have an actual attack so for that I am grateful. It's amazing to me, the difference between the day after I have some drinks and the day after I don't have some drinks. I didn't have any last night and even though I got just a little less sleep than I should have, I've been feeling pretty alright today. Maybe only a teensy weensy bit off but nothing that I even notice all that much. Especially not compared to yesterday. Because for the past two nights I've gone to sleep just slightly later than I'm supposed to. Tonight, I plan to be in bed on time. And I plan to finish the Celestine Prophecy. Maybe...
My biff is finally going to be available for some hang time... she's done school for the semester. Yay! And I got the meetup messes all cleaned up. Welcome to the fold, VIP Section. And as for the old group, it's been reduced to just a couple happy hours a month. I don't want to do anything more than that. I really can't take the idea of some of the people in that group. For a couple hours at a bar, I can probably deal... but sitting through dinners and taking day trips with them... no thanks. I appreciate that they're willing but that's about it.
Finally in Season 3 of Lost too. It's gotten pretty trippy, y'all. Pretty trippy. Creative. I love how they all crossed paths so many times on the mainland... I am really, really curious where it's going...
My biff is finally going to be available for some hang time... she's done school for the semester. Yay! And I got the meetup messes all cleaned up. Welcome to the fold, VIP Section. And as for the old group, it's been reduced to just a couple happy hours a month. I don't want to do anything more than that. I really can't take the idea of some of the people in that group. For a couple hours at a bar, I can probably deal... but sitting through dinners and taking day trips with them... no thanks. I appreciate that they're willing but that's about it.
Finally in Season 3 of Lost too. It's gotten pretty trippy, y'all. Pretty trippy. Creative. I love how they all crossed paths so many times on the mainland... I am really, really curious where it's going...
Monday, May 11, 2009
Preparing to Walk Away
So, I've been working on making changes. And it finally feels like I'm handling it right this time - for some reason. Money, work, taking care of myself, and now I'm shutting down the meetup. Or, rather, I'm walking away from the meetup.
Meetup has been good to me. I've done it for just over a year and I've made a few really good friends through it. Co-Britney fan (whom I met at another meetup actually, not through mine, which she helped co-pilot), Spice, the Texan, my English friend, my French friends, my pottery partner, just to name a few. There's a few more but I feel like I'm writing the book of Genesis at the moment so I'm going to stop. I've gained a boyfriend, come and gone, from it and that was an experience worth having. I've also had some not so positive experiences from it, mostly just because certain folks have made me rather uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point that I'd like to avoid them.
Dude, your shirt should not be sticking out of your pants like a green penis. It's just nasty. And it happens all the time.
But... the year, which has been life changing, is now over and it's time for me to move into a more responsible and more healthy phase of my life. I won't trash meetup but I'm going to be staying away for a while. Don't have any desire at the moment to try and infuse my life with anymore new people. Just for a while, unless they come along in natural order. I have friendships that have been neglected because I was never around. And spontaneity has disappeared. And the money. Goodness, I've spent alot of money that could go towards things I've been putting off for a while.
My tattoo, traveling, my credit card for starters. Furniture that I really like, some art for my walls. Clothes I am proud to be wearing. (The clothes will come in about 20 pounds, I think.)
I'm happy with my decision. And I feel lighter. I'll be able to avoid some of the people who are just so socially awkward that they can't hold a conversation. I mean, we all have our socially awkward moments, folks... we really all do... but when it's a constant, it's hard to not get upset.
So... new phase, new moon, new season. I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm actually going to follow through.
Meetup has been good to me. I've done it for just over a year and I've made a few really good friends through it. Co-Britney fan (whom I met at another meetup actually, not through mine, which she helped co-pilot), Spice, the Texan, my English friend, my French friends, my pottery partner, just to name a few. There's a few more but I feel like I'm writing the book of Genesis at the moment so I'm going to stop. I've gained a boyfriend, come and gone, from it and that was an experience worth having. I've also had some not so positive experiences from it, mostly just because certain folks have made me rather uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point that I'd like to avoid them.
Dude, your shirt should not be sticking out of your pants like a green penis. It's just nasty. And it happens all the time.
But... the year, which has been life changing, is now over and it's time for me to move into a more responsible and more healthy phase of my life. I won't trash meetup but I'm going to be staying away for a while. Don't have any desire at the moment to try and infuse my life with anymore new people. Just for a while, unless they come along in natural order. I have friendships that have been neglected because I was never around. And spontaneity has disappeared. And the money. Goodness, I've spent alot of money that could go towards things I've been putting off for a while.
My tattoo, traveling, my credit card for starters. Furniture that I really like, some art for my walls. Clothes I am proud to be wearing. (The clothes will come in about 20 pounds, I think.)
I'm happy with my decision. And I feel lighter. I'll be able to avoid some of the people who are just so socially awkward that they can't hold a conversation. I mean, we all have our socially awkward moments, folks... we really all do... but when it's a constant, it's hard to not get upset.
So... new phase, new moon, new season. I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm actually going to follow through.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Chocolate Ice Cream
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
- KT Tunstall, Suddenly I See
Let's talk about my single status, shall we? No? No takers? Well, I'm going to do it anyway.
I went to my nephew's birthday party yesterday. Drove an hour and a half to get there, not feeling exactly right the entire day but still willing to throw some extra love my family's way. On the way there I had the crystal clear thought: this is where I belong. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince myself or if it's the truth but I had the thought. I think it's a little bit of both, to be completely honest. That is, until I walked in and hung around for a bit. Hanging out with multiple married with kids couples can leave a single gal wondering quite a bit about herself. And when all is said and done, having been the only single person in a house full of people (kids under 8 don't count in this examination), I realized how pathetic and sad I was actually feeling. I screamed once on my way home and gave myself a sore throat with the effort.
So... why was I feeling pathetic and sad? Because I don't have my shit together quite yet and I certainly don't see myself getting married anytime soon. And, yes, for me - I won't be having kids until that other step has happened. I mean, oopses happen but I'm going to try and avoid them best I can.
I'm overweight at the moment, my apartment needs a good overhaul into one I can be truly proud of, I've done little of what I've wanted in life, my money's in the messy stage for the time being, and I'm a medicated bipolar who developed a drinking issue prior to the medication that didn't exactly stop because of the medication. Lots of bad memories to bury. I have a mental illness and according to articles, I can still live a "satisfying" life even though that's the case. I guess I should feel privileged to be able to have my own apartment. Sometimes I feel like this is the best I can hope for, anything more is just asking too much. And I'm back in therapy once a week to try and figure out why I'm not exactly progressing in the self esteem area. Hmm... maybe the above list would be enough to knock most people down. So...these are the things I need to fix before I can get too serious about anyone, at least in my mind's eye. And I'm working on it but I've still got a long way to go. And I have plenty more quiet weekends ahead of me before I'm there.
Let's retrace my steps and figure out how I got here.
Well, I have bipolar disorder through genetics so we have to keep in mind that I didn't "get here" with that one... it just is what it is. But, how about the rest of it?
I was in an eight year very similar to marriage relationship (for all intensive purposes, it was a marriage) that fell apart. The reasons are long and varied but suffice it to say it was an unhealthy bit of living on both parts. That relationship started when I was 18, about to turn 19. I did not finish school, I tried repeatedly but I wasn't able to. Again, the reasons are long and varied. Keep in mind, I have bipolar disorder floating free during each of these things... though other factors also exist. I want to finish school now but my work schedule has certainly prevented me from being able to. That will be getting fixed in the fall. One way or another. So... I'm trying. I've had other setbacks, my Megs and the coming to terms with my mental state. Having to move back out on my own when I thought I had moved for the last time once before so I had no money set aside. And truthfully, I've only been completely single for a short time out of my overall adult existence. Still... I'm human and I'm single and I was surrounded by a whole bunch of young families and two grandparents last night.
I'm allowed to feel sad about it. And I'm allowed to be scared that my disorder is preventing me from meeting the "right" guy. Someone that I actually want to be with for the long haul, not just someone I'm settling for or who's willing to "put up" with me. I don't have to try and talk myself out of these feelings, they just are what they are. I don't have to become ok with it and resign myself to the fact that I may be alone forever. When I hit 50 and I'm still in the same boat... then I'll consider resigning myself to this fact. I had alot to work through in the last few years. And now I'm stuck cleaning up my own mess. Not that anyone else should be responsible for it in any way, shape, or form. There is a definite mess left behind, one that requires diligence and patience for me to pick up. Still... at times... I will feel alone and sad at the state of my life and this is ok, as long as it doesn't last into the following morning. And as long as it doesn't lead me back to a bottle for all the wrong reasons.
Last night I coped by yelling once in the car (mostly at God, luckily I've been told He can take it), driving home... pity partying until I heard the song above, pouting just a smidge more, sitting down, having a bowl of fat free chocolate ice cream, enjoying another episode of Lost, reading a bit more of the Celestine Prophecy, and going to bed on time so I could get up on time for a 16 hour shift today. Maybe my mood wasn't great while doing all this but coping doesn't get much healthier. Trust me, as someone who knows good coping from bad... I'm allowed to have my feelings but I can't beat myself up or tell myself I shouldn't feel that way. Because, if nothing else... at least my story isn't boring. Which is what really means the most to me. I've lived a helluva life so far and I'll continue to do so. Better, in fact... more of what I want is coming down the road. And, yes, that probably means one day I'll have the type of relationship that will fit me... even if I occasionally don't want to keep waiting for it. And I won't let any of what I've dealt with be the thing that makes me give up.
In my situation, there are lots of people who already would have. This is something I already know for sure. What I want is beyond "satisfying" and I refuse to stop fighting for it. But, sometimes with the fight comes a bruise or two, all of which will heal in time.
And Breyer's makes a really good fat free ice cream.
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
- KT Tunstall, Suddenly I See
Let's talk about my single status, shall we? No? No takers? Well, I'm going to do it anyway.
I went to my nephew's birthday party yesterday. Drove an hour and a half to get there, not feeling exactly right the entire day but still willing to throw some extra love my family's way. On the way there I had the crystal clear thought: this is where I belong. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince myself or if it's the truth but I had the thought. I think it's a little bit of both, to be completely honest. That is, until I walked in and hung around for a bit. Hanging out with multiple married with kids couples can leave a single gal wondering quite a bit about herself. And when all is said and done, having been the only single person in a house full of people (kids under 8 don't count in this examination), I realized how pathetic and sad I was actually feeling. I screamed once on my way home and gave myself a sore throat with the effort.
So... why was I feeling pathetic and sad? Because I don't have my shit together quite yet and I certainly don't see myself getting married anytime soon. And, yes, for me - I won't be having kids until that other step has happened. I mean, oopses happen but I'm going to try and avoid them best I can.
I'm overweight at the moment, my apartment needs a good overhaul into one I can be truly proud of, I've done little of what I've wanted in life, my money's in the messy stage for the time being, and I'm a medicated bipolar who developed a drinking issue prior to the medication that didn't exactly stop because of the medication. Lots of bad memories to bury. I have a mental illness and according to articles, I can still live a "satisfying" life even though that's the case. I guess I should feel privileged to be able to have my own apartment. Sometimes I feel like this is the best I can hope for, anything more is just asking too much. And I'm back in therapy once a week to try and figure out why I'm not exactly progressing in the self esteem area. Hmm... maybe the above list would be enough to knock most people down. So...these are the things I need to fix before I can get too serious about anyone, at least in my mind's eye. And I'm working on it but I've still got a long way to go. And I have plenty more quiet weekends ahead of me before I'm there.
Let's retrace my steps and figure out how I got here.
Well, I have bipolar disorder through genetics so we have to keep in mind that I didn't "get here" with that one... it just is what it is. But, how about the rest of it?
I was in an eight year very similar to marriage relationship (for all intensive purposes, it was a marriage) that fell apart. The reasons are long and varied but suffice it to say it was an unhealthy bit of living on both parts. That relationship started when I was 18, about to turn 19. I did not finish school, I tried repeatedly but I wasn't able to. Again, the reasons are long and varied. Keep in mind, I have bipolar disorder floating free during each of these things... though other factors also exist. I want to finish school now but my work schedule has certainly prevented me from being able to. That will be getting fixed in the fall. One way or another. So... I'm trying. I've had other setbacks, my Megs and the coming to terms with my mental state. Having to move back out on my own when I thought I had moved for the last time once before so I had no money set aside. And truthfully, I've only been completely single for a short time out of my overall adult existence. Still... I'm human and I'm single and I was surrounded by a whole bunch of young families and two grandparents last night.
I'm allowed to feel sad about it. And I'm allowed to be scared that my disorder is preventing me from meeting the "right" guy. Someone that I actually want to be with for the long haul, not just someone I'm settling for or who's willing to "put up" with me. I don't have to try and talk myself out of these feelings, they just are what they are. I don't have to become ok with it and resign myself to the fact that I may be alone forever. When I hit 50 and I'm still in the same boat... then I'll consider resigning myself to this fact. I had alot to work through in the last few years. And now I'm stuck cleaning up my own mess. Not that anyone else should be responsible for it in any way, shape, or form. There is a definite mess left behind, one that requires diligence and patience for me to pick up. Still... at times... I will feel alone and sad at the state of my life and this is ok, as long as it doesn't last into the following morning. And as long as it doesn't lead me back to a bottle for all the wrong reasons.
Last night I coped by yelling once in the car (mostly at God, luckily I've been told He can take it), driving home... pity partying until I heard the song above, pouting just a smidge more, sitting down, having a bowl of fat free chocolate ice cream, enjoying another episode of Lost, reading a bit more of the Celestine Prophecy, and going to bed on time so I could get up on time for a 16 hour shift today. Maybe my mood wasn't great while doing all this but coping doesn't get much healthier. Trust me, as someone who knows good coping from bad... I'm allowed to have my feelings but I can't beat myself up or tell myself I shouldn't feel that way. Because, if nothing else... at least my story isn't boring. Which is what really means the most to me. I've lived a helluva life so far and I'll continue to do so. Better, in fact... more of what I want is coming down the road. And, yes, that probably means one day I'll have the type of relationship that will fit me... even if I occasionally don't want to keep waiting for it. And I won't let any of what I've dealt with be the thing that makes me give up.
In my situation, there are lots of people who already would have. This is something I already know for sure. What I want is beyond "satisfying" and I refuse to stop fighting for it. But, sometimes with the fight comes a bruise or two, all of which will heal in time.
And Breyer's makes a really good fat free ice cream.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Acceptance
People perish during transitional phases. In Scoresbysund they would shoot each other in the head with shotguns when the winter started to kill off summer. It's not difficult to coast along when things are going well, when a balance has been established. What's difficult is the new. The new ice. The new light. The new feelings.
- Peter Hoeg
The new life that I'm starting. I am officially declaring a new beginning for myself. Sure, sure, sure... I've got some old baggage that still needs unpacking but that doesn't mean I can't start again. And my therapist and I are beginning to touch the nitty gritty of what's been creeping in underneath. Underneath all the motives and reasons.
And with my new beginning, I'm giving away other new beginnings. I will no longer feel guilty for what I haven't done or how I'd dealt with things in the past. I'm letting go of some of my old ways and embracing new. That's right... I made no plans for my Friday night and I am perfectly ok with this. I am not lonely nor am I alone so why should it bother me if I stay in, doing what I want to do, in my own space.
I don't want to take crap anymore and I've made progress. I know I have because I confronted several of my fears this week and as I asked the Soprano I know, what do I have to fear?
Can someone hurt me if I don't give them the power to? Sure, they could kill me or torture me but I've been there, done that in some ways. Learned alot from it. Ok... I haven't been killed but I've faced my own devastation and survived it. When you go to sleep just thankful that you survived the night, you have some insights that just weren't there before. Doesn't mean I can't be open and vulnerable but if I'm coming from a good place and not hiding beneath the rubble of my old life anymore, what do I have to worry about? What can they attack besides my sense of security? But what security is there? Only that which I can make for myself. Nothing else is guaranteed and even the people who love you most will sometimes knock you down. I've got my zen place and it's time for me to move into it. To love it and embrace it. To give up some things because they simply don't provide for me what they used to. To take on the beautiful gifts and challenges that are put on my path. There's always something to overcome but the last few years of fighting have landed me here. And it's time for me to just wake up, ignore the bottle and just get real.
I have to take care of myself and that's all there is to it. I have to do what's best for me, whether other people can understand it or not. I need to prove to myself that I can be this person who's been scratching the surface of herself for so long she almost completely forgot how much she likes to bake.
New feelings are scary. New approaches to life should be welcomed but they are not. It's easier to stay in a rut, to stay where you know because life can knock you down. However, it's up to you to get back up and say "that's enough... I've got a life to live". Hiding behind booze, learning about the quirks of my disorder, accepting that the disorder is here to stay and feeling all the hurt has done me much good, even if going through it was bad. Accepting myself and my own limitations is tough but a very real part of being human.
For goodness sake, the man I adore barely knows a real thing about me... mostly because I just kept trying to be something else... someone I thought I wanted to be... because maybe, just maybe I'd have a shot of getting my life cleaned up that way. What looks clean from the outside is sometimes very dirty on the inside. How that works, I'll never know... it's impossible to convince oneself to be anything but who they are. No matter how hard one might try.
I did not perish, I just learned how to live.
You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive. - Tupac Shakur, Changes
I want to survive and begin to really thrive.
- Peter Hoeg
The new life that I'm starting. I am officially declaring a new beginning for myself. Sure, sure, sure... I've got some old baggage that still needs unpacking but that doesn't mean I can't start again. And my therapist and I are beginning to touch the nitty gritty of what's been creeping in underneath. Underneath all the motives and reasons.
And with my new beginning, I'm giving away other new beginnings. I will no longer feel guilty for what I haven't done or how I'd dealt with things in the past. I'm letting go of some of my old ways and embracing new. That's right... I made no plans for my Friday night and I am perfectly ok with this. I am not lonely nor am I alone so why should it bother me if I stay in, doing what I want to do, in my own space.
I don't want to take crap anymore and I've made progress. I know I have because I confronted several of my fears this week and as I asked the Soprano I know, what do I have to fear?
Can someone hurt me if I don't give them the power to? Sure, they could kill me or torture me but I've been there, done that in some ways. Learned alot from it. Ok... I haven't been killed but I've faced my own devastation and survived it. When you go to sleep just thankful that you survived the night, you have some insights that just weren't there before. Doesn't mean I can't be open and vulnerable but if I'm coming from a good place and not hiding beneath the rubble of my old life anymore, what do I have to worry about? What can they attack besides my sense of security? But what security is there? Only that which I can make for myself. Nothing else is guaranteed and even the people who love you most will sometimes knock you down. I've got my zen place and it's time for me to move into it. To love it and embrace it. To give up some things because they simply don't provide for me what they used to. To take on the beautiful gifts and challenges that are put on my path. There's always something to overcome but the last few years of fighting have landed me here. And it's time for me to just wake up, ignore the bottle and just get real.
I have to take care of myself and that's all there is to it. I have to do what's best for me, whether other people can understand it or not. I need to prove to myself that I can be this person who's been scratching the surface of herself for so long she almost completely forgot how much she likes to bake.
New feelings are scary. New approaches to life should be welcomed but they are not. It's easier to stay in a rut, to stay where you know because life can knock you down. However, it's up to you to get back up and say "that's enough... I've got a life to live". Hiding behind booze, learning about the quirks of my disorder, accepting that the disorder is here to stay and feeling all the hurt has done me much good, even if going through it was bad. Accepting myself and my own limitations is tough but a very real part of being human.
For goodness sake, the man I adore barely knows a real thing about me... mostly because I just kept trying to be something else... someone I thought I wanted to be... because maybe, just maybe I'd have a shot of getting my life cleaned up that way. What looks clean from the outside is sometimes very dirty on the inside. How that works, I'll never know... it's impossible to convince oneself to be anything but who they are. No matter how hard one might try.
I did not perish, I just learned how to live.
You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive. - Tupac Shakur, Changes
I want to survive and begin to really thrive.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Patience
Said, woman, take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
- Patience, Guns n Roses
Heard this song in the car during my lunch break and it's got me thinking. Thinking quite a bit. I've been in a rush for the last few years. Not really sure where I've been rushing to but I've definitely been going at full speed. Full speed to try and be perfect. So that I could measure up. Measure up to... who? Who's setting the standards here? My past. But, I'm tired and ready for a nice, long rest. Which I am currently taking. Spending more nights at home instead of out and about is helping alot. Figuring out what I want for me. And I've got an entire list of items. And anyone I care for and anyone who cares for me, it'll work itself out fine. They'll come into my life one way or another. Or they'll find their way back. So... I'm going to take my time right now. Take it one day at a time and try to piece it together, little by little. Little fragments of a bigger picture. A giant puzzle that's just sitting on the table and as I walk by, I figure out where one piece fits before moving along my way.
Spice has been talking about patience over the last few days. And I have to admit, years ago I started praying for it myself. Goodness, what a long road this has been. But can I trust in what I've learned to keep my calm? Can I trust that I've been shown the ropes. I don't need to be any further along in life than I am at this exact moment. Mentally, emotionally, or in any other way. I just want to enjoy the ride for a while and see where this path I've been tripping on for so long leads. But, sometimes it's best to go it alone, a few hundred feet at a time, stopping to check out the scenery and making my own determinations as to which turn is next to take.
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
- Patience, Guns n Roses
Heard this song in the car during my lunch break and it's got me thinking. Thinking quite a bit. I've been in a rush for the last few years. Not really sure where I've been rushing to but I've definitely been going at full speed. Full speed to try and be perfect. So that I could measure up. Measure up to... who? Who's setting the standards here? My past. But, I'm tired and ready for a nice, long rest. Which I am currently taking. Spending more nights at home instead of out and about is helping alot. Figuring out what I want for me. And I've got an entire list of items. And anyone I care for and anyone who cares for me, it'll work itself out fine. They'll come into my life one way or another. Or they'll find their way back. So... I'm going to take my time right now. Take it one day at a time and try to piece it together, little by little. Little fragments of a bigger picture. A giant puzzle that's just sitting on the table and as I walk by, I figure out where one piece fits before moving along my way.
Spice has been talking about patience over the last few days. And I have to admit, years ago I started praying for it myself. Goodness, what a long road this has been. But can I trust in what I've learned to keep my calm? Can I trust that I've been shown the ropes. I don't need to be any further along in life than I am at this exact moment. Mentally, emotionally, or in any other way. I just want to enjoy the ride for a while and see where this path I've been tripping on for so long leads. But, sometimes it's best to go it alone, a few hundred feet at a time, stopping to check out the scenery and making my own determinations as to which turn is next to take.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Watching for Wil
Well, the work schedule is worked out. Things are looking up.
So now I'll have more time to do as I please... in other words... not sleeping. I can get my body's clock back to it's natural rhythm (mixed with horse tranquilizers, of course). And with that, start focusing on some of the more important things in life. The things that are important to me, at least.
I've been lost. But now I feel found.
Speaking of lost... I have a new addiction. Lost. Been watching the show on DVD for the past couple weeks, can't seem to get enough of it. It's kept me from doing much writing... and I haven't even gotten in many movies... and it's kept me from reading. I had to force myself to limit my intake last night to two episodes. Which I did... mostly because I want to finish up the Celestine Prophecy so I can move onto another book. That little thing has taken me entirely too long. It's a small book, easy read. Supposed to be an adventure but it's not a very exciting adventure. Most of the time the lead character sits around or stands around waiting for other more interesting characters to show up. And they usually do. Except Wil. Haven't seen or heard much of him lately.
Now, I get the idea behind the Celestine Prophecy, the spiritual side of it. How we give and take energy from one another. I'd have to agree. Completely. But, I'm still not enthralled. I'm on the last chapter now. May get to finish it up tonight. However, the chapter about co-dependency really grabbed me. Making me unsure if I want to actually donate the book when I'm done or keep it.
Coincidence. That's much of what the book covers... and as someone who doesn't believe in it, the book is a support for my theory that everything happens for a reason. Which is, obviously, not my theory alone but one that I whole heartedly buy into. And I'm not sure that this book is quite "enough" to make me feel like it proves that point. Though it is slightly coincidental in it's timing that I decided to reopen the book when I did. I tried to read it when I was 18. Too young and stupid to really get it at the time. So, I had put it aside.
We'll see. Will I donate or will I keep? Maybe I could just photocopy that chapter and then donate the rest of the book... hmm... decisions, decisions. (Clearly, my decisions right now are a bit lighter than they have been recently and I gotta tell ya, it feels good.)
So now I'll have more time to do as I please... in other words... not sleeping. I can get my body's clock back to it's natural rhythm (mixed with horse tranquilizers, of course). And with that, start focusing on some of the more important things in life. The things that are important to me, at least.
I've been lost. But now I feel found.
Speaking of lost... I have a new addiction. Lost. Been watching the show on DVD for the past couple weeks, can't seem to get enough of it. It's kept me from doing much writing... and I haven't even gotten in many movies... and it's kept me from reading. I had to force myself to limit my intake last night to two episodes. Which I did... mostly because I want to finish up the Celestine Prophecy so I can move onto another book. That little thing has taken me entirely too long. It's a small book, easy read. Supposed to be an adventure but it's not a very exciting adventure. Most of the time the lead character sits around or stands around waiting for other more interesting characters to show up. And they usually do. Except Wil. Haven't seen or heard much of him lately.
Now, I get the idea behind the Celestine Prophecy, the spiritual side of it. How we give and take energy from one another. I'd have to agree. Completely. But, I'm still not enthralled. I'm on the last chapter now. May get to finish it up tonight. However, the chapter about co-dependency really grabbed me. Making me unsure if I want to actually donate the book when I'm done or keep it.
Coincidence. That's much of what the book covers... and as someone who doesn't believe in it, the book is a support for my theory that everything happens for a reason. Which is, obviously, not my theory alone but one that I whole heartedly buy into. And I'm not sure that this book is quite "enough" to make me feel like it proves that point. Though it is slightly coincidental in it's timing that I decided to reopen the book when I did. I tried to read it when I was 18. Too young and stupid to really get it at the time. So, I had put it aside.
We'll see. Will I donate or will I keep? Maybe I could just photocopy that chapter and then donate the rest of the book... hmm... decisions, decisions. (Clearly, my decisions right now are a bit lighter than they have been recently and I gotta tell ya, it feels good.)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Boring Myself
It occurred to me and my English friend concurred in a way. See yesterday's comment for details. I am busy devoting myself to a job when, really, I need to devote myself to my life. And it also occurred to me that what my therapist said about me not feeling like I'm entitled to anything is also true. I'm entitled to a life, people. A real life. Not a life where I feel like crap all the time and have trouble functioning on a regular basis. I deserve to give myself a chance to be happy. Simple as that. I haven't really done that thus far. I know what I have to do and I'm picking up the doctor's note today after work. My doctor was awesome about it. She agreed with me that the problems I'm having would most likely be related to the work schedule I've been trying to grind my way through. Last year, I recall feeling good and ok. Getting my butt in order. In the last few months, not so much. At all.
So, I am going to do it. Being assertive about what I need is new to me so that explains the anxiety I've been feeling about it. I feel dramatic saying it but it's true... right now I'm in a fight for my life. I've been here before but now I'm coming to the realization that I'm getting older and if I want to accomplish anything worth anything at all, it's time to get started.
I'm starting to get tired of my own blog at this point... love writing it... but it seems to be getting repetitive. Time to change things up a bit, methinks.
So, I am going to do it. Being assertive about what I need is new to me so that explains the anxiety I've been feeling about it. I feel dramatic saying it but it's true... right now I'm in a fight for my life. I've been here before but now I'm coming to the realization that I'm getting older and if I want to accomplish anything worth anything at all, it's time to get started.
I'm starting to get tired of my own blog at this point... love writing it... but it seems to be getting repetitive. Time to change things up a bit, methinks.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Don't Hug Me
Ok... so my plate has been pretty full lately. Just not in the usual way. I've been keeping my social calender a little on the sparing side and spending more time in my apartment. I'm working on drinking much less and getting some real rest. Going to bed on time and getting some exercise. All the stuff I have to do to keep taking care of myself.
But, then... on Friday night... after I got home... I crashed. It was horrible. Truthfully, I knew it was coming all night. I just didn't realize how bad it was going to get. I nearly ended up in the hospital. Almost had to call for help. Then my meds kicked in and all I could do was think "thank God I survived".
What's this all about? Feeling trapped and scared. That's the meat of it.
Trapped in a job that's eating away at me. At my mental and emotional health. For the past six months I've been rotating. And I've been noticing that each time I rotate onto a new shift it's getting harder and harder for me to "bounce back". And this time... I haven't yet. I'm scared this is never going to change. And, unfortunately, I simply can't handle it. I'm scared to go to my supervisor because he's no help at all. He doesn't get it. My whole life should not consist of only two things... work and sleep... work and sleep. That's all he sees. He could care less about how I'm doing, just as long as his schedule is kept as is. So... I'm trapped. And I don't see myself getting out of here until I have my associate's degree. Another thing that keeps me in here but, yet, I can't go because I can't have my schedule all over the place... and I can't handle the stress of taking too many classes at once.
It's a bugger, my peeps.
I went to my old supervisor this morning, who also happens to be the acting manager. I asked her what I should do. She said get a doctor's note. I'll get a doctor's note. But, I'm still scared, really, really scared. Of what? I don't know exactly. My supervisor is no one to be scared of, per say... but I don't want to make his life more difficult. Of course... he doesn't seem to be caring about me quite the same way. Hmm...
I don't usually do this... but I'm going to ask... any thoughts?
But, then... on Friday night... after I got home... I crashed. It was horrible. Truthfully, I knew it was coming all night. I just didn't realize how bad it was going to get. I nearly ended up in the hospital. Almost had to call for help. Then my meds kicked in and all I could do was think "thank God I survived".
What's this all about? Feeling trapped and scared. That's the meat of it.
Trapped in a job that's eating away at me. At my mental and emotional health. For the past six months I've been rotating. And I've been noticing that each time I rotate onto a new shift it's getting harder and harder for me to "bounce back". And this time... I haven't yet. I'm scared this is never going to change. And, unfortunately, I simply can't handle it. I'm scared to go to my supervisor because he's no help at all. He doesn't get it. My whole life should not consist of only two things... work and sleep... work and sleep. That's all he sees. He could care less about how I'm doing, just as long as his schedule is kept as is. So... I'm trapped. And I don't see myself getting out of here until I have my associate's degree. Another thing that keeps me in here but, yet, I can't go because I can't have my schedule all over the place... and I can't handle the stress of taking too many classes at once.
It's a bugger, my peeps.
I went to my old supervisor this morning, who also happens to be the acting manager. I asked her what I should do. She said get a doctor's note. I'll get a doctor's note. But, I'm still scared, really, really scared. Of what? I don't know exactly. My supervisor is no one to be scared of, per say... but I don't want to make his life more difficult. Of course... he doesn't seem to be caring about me quite the same way. Hmm...
I don't usually do this... but I'm going to ask... any thoughts?
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