Briefly Noted Book Reviews
2 years ago
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Cool Cop
Last night I was pulled over. Scary moment being that I had drank some wine and half a Smirnoff Ice not long before. But - someone was looking out for me, the stars were all aligned, I suppose. I had a cool cop and I wasn't drunk... at least I wasn't feeling it. I was, however, tired. Very tired. And that - he could see.
I didn't see him in my mirror - I thought I had placed it back to it's original place after a friend drove my car a week ago. Apparently I was wrong. I changed it a bit today - hoping now that I am right. Because not only was I pulled over, I was pulled over for almost hitting the police officer who told me to be "a helluva lot more careful".
When I got home, I felt an almost overwhelming feeling of gratitude. It started in the car. I didn't feel like I had gotten away with anything... I just felt relieved that I did not get in trouble for anything. I was also grateful that I had decided against taking my meds with me or I would have been too drowsy to have handled the situation at all. I felt grateful that I was able to speak with the officer in a calm, explaining myself manner without a shaky voice or a shaky self. I was confident that he was going to accept my reasons - though he didn't end up having to hear me say more than "I am lost".
I was also feeling grateful for other things. For the fact that Co-Britney and I felt comfortable, that she is doing what she wants with her life and that Fred came through his surgeries without even the slightest hint that he wasn't ok. He got home and jumped around. A little confused that he can't seem to grab things the way he used to but at least I no longer have to fear him sleeping in my bed. Which he did, for most of last night.
A good day comes along more often than many of us realize, I think. Some might consider getting lost multiple times and getting pulled over a bit on the negative side. Me - I see it as a chance to be grateful and an adventure of sorts. It took much longer getting home last night than I would have preferred but - either way, at least I was out and about learning something.
I didn't see him in my mirror - I thought I had placed it back to it's original place after a friend drove my car a week ago. Apparently I was wrong. I changed it a bit today - hoping now that I am right. Because not only was I pulled over, I was pulled over for almost hitting the police officer who told me to be "a helluva lot more careful".
When I got home, I felt an almost overwhelming feeling of gratitude. It started in the car. I didn't feel like I had gotten away with anything... I just felt relieved that I did not get in trouble for anything. I was also grateful that I had decided against taking my meds with me or I would have been too drowsy to have handled the situation at all. I felt grateful that I was able to speak with the officer in a calm, explaining myself manner without a shaky voice or a shaky self. I was confident that he was going to accept my reasons - though he didn't end up having to hear me say more than "I am lost".
I was also feeling grateful for other things. For the fact that Co-Britney and I felt comfortable, that she is doing what she wants with her life and that Fred came through his surgeries without even the slightest hint that he wasn't ok. He got home and jumped around. A little confused that he can't seem to grab things the way he used to but at least I no longer have to fear him sleeping in my bed. Which he did, for most of last night.
A good day comes along more often than many of us realize, I think. Some might consider getting lost multiple times and getting pulled over a bit on the negative side. Me - I see it as a chance to be grateful and an adventure of sorts. It took much longer getting home last night than I would have preferred but - either way, at least I was out and about learning something.
Friday, May 28, 2010
A Story from the Sioux
The Creator gathered all of Creation and said,
"I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it. It is the realization that they create their own reality."
The eagle said, "Give it to me, I will take it to the moon."
The Creator said, "No. One day they will go there and find it."
The salmon said, "I will bury it on the bottom of the ocean."
"No. They will go there too."
The buffalo said, "I will bury it on the Great Plains."
The Creator said, "They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there."
Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes,
said, "Put it inside of them."
And the Creator said, "It is done."
(From the Sioux Tribe)
"I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it. It is the realization that they create their own reality."
The eagle said, "Give it to me, I will take it to the moon."
The Creator said, "No. One day they will go there and find it."
The salmon said, "I will bury it on the bottom of the ocean."
"No. They will go there too."
The buffalo said, "I will bury it on the Great Plains."
The Creator said, "They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there."
Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes,
said, "Put it inside of them."
And the Creator said, "It is done."
(From the Sioux Tribe)
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Uninvolved
Sometimes it just doesn't work out. For the gentleman (and I do actually mean that... we're not doing the need for sarcasm font right now) whom I was "involved" with up until last night... it simply didn't work out. The feelings never did quite catch up to where I believe and he believed they needed to be.
However, we are remaining friends. And we mean that too.
I did take some simple yet valuable lessons from the relationship though. I'd like to share them with you now.
#1 - Communication is key. Talking about my feelings and thoughts may not be the easiest thing for me when it comes to my intimate relationships but it is ok to do when in them. I do not think that was something I have experienced before... or maybe it has just been a really long time. I am still not exactly "good" at it but my mind is open to trying it now.
#2 - My body is not perfect but that doesn't make it unattractive. Being in my own skin, especially with extra weight on me is not the easiest thing in the world. But - it turns out - I don't need to be perfect to still be attractive. While I still would like to lose the weight, I am no longer going to be convinced that men are immediately disgusted by me - just because of a few extra pounds.
#3 - Spit it out. If it's not working, say so. Resentment and anger starts once you have gotten past the "this just isn't working" stage and you're holding onto it anyway. (This one goes in with communication is key, I guess but I'm relating this more to the casual dating scene.)
Many more lessons to come with other people, I am sure. I am just simply grateful that these lessons were of the gentle nature. But - that's what happens when you're dealing with a "gentleman". Honestly, I can't say enough good and respectful things about him. He really is a great guy and he's the one who was all about talking about stuff... that's a rare find in a man.
However, we are remaining friends. And we mean that too.
I did take some simple yet valuable lessons from the relationship though. I'd like to share them with you now.
#1 - Communication is key. Talking about my feelings and thoughts may not be the easiest thing for me when it comes to my intimate relationships but it is ok to do when in them. I do not think that was something I have experienced before... or maybe it has just been a really long time. I am still not exactly "good" at it but my mind is open to trying it now.
#2 - My body is not perfect but that doesn't make it unattractive. Being in my own skin, especially with extra weight on me is not the easiest thing in the world. But - it turns out - I don't need to be perfect to still be attractive. While I still would like to lose the weight, I am no longer going to be convinced that men are immediately disgusted by me - just because of a few extra pounds.
#3 - Spit it out. If it's not working, say so. Resentment and anger starts once you have gotten past the "this just isn't working" stage and you're holding onto it anyway. (This one goes in with communication is key, I guess but I'm relating this more to the casual dating scene.)
Many more lessons to come with other people, I am sure. I am just simply grateful that these lessons were of the gentle nature. But - that's what happens when you're dealing with a "gentleman". Honestly, I can't say enough good and respectful things about him. He really is a great guy and he's the one who was all about talking about stuff... that's a rare find in a man.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Michael and Ana
The road so far has been rocky. Not too rocky to keep going but this mountain is a big one. There are others beyond it that, for the moment, I have to stop paying attention to. I climbed one large rock yesterday and then camped out on top. Turns out the rock climbing, for the time being is going to be tedious and somewhat challenging but I have to take it one bit at a time.
Before climbing the rock I witnessed something. It was far away. It was someone who had climbed this mountain from a different angle but through binoculars I watched as confetti came down and a celebration ensued. Lives are changed by this mountain. Lives are given a new lease. And while the years cannot be lived again, the ones ahead can be better than the ones before. His name was Michael and he lost 264 pounds on the Biggest Loser. He did it with the help of personal trainers. While I am not looking to lose 50% of my body weight, I am on a similar mission. I am on a different side of the mountain preparing to be able to help people like him find their way through the forest, the mud and the grind that is weight loss and all around health. I just have to keep studying. And as I watched the party keep going, I decided it was time to figure out how to get over this first rock. That's the party I am looking to join. Michael will have moved on at that point, I will likely (very and most likely) never meet him but he already gave me what I need. He gave me at least a day's worth of inspiration that people can make it to the top of the mountain. And so, I climbed over the first rock.
Once I climbed it and conquered it, I met someone new. Her name is Ana. She'll be accompanying me along the way but she won't be showing me the way. She'll just be joining me as I go. Following along as my example. She offered herself up, eyes facing straight out, palms and head facing forward. She sort of hovers on this little plane. And she's rooting for me from her still position. And while she has the ability to open up, literally, and show me what I need to see from the other planes that intersect within her, she heals with no problem. She is invisible to everyone else but me. I am not crazy, however, she's real. Very much real and she's going to be here for a while so be prepared... she doesn't have much to say but she has got plenty to teach me. She is the human body in it's purest form. When everything is healthy and complete.
(Oh... and total sidenote... my favorite keyword search from last night... someone who came across my blog... "reading rhymes while tripping".)
Before climbing the rock I witnessed something. It was far away. It was someone who had climbed this mountain from a different angle but through binoculars I watched as confetti came down and a celebration ensued. Lives are changed by this mountain. Lives are given a new lease. And while the years cannot be lived again, the ones ahead can be better than the ones before. His name was Michael and he lost 264 pounds on the Biggest Loser. He did it with the help of personal trainers. While I am not looking to lose 50% of my body weight, I am on a similar mission. I am on a different side of the mountain preparing to be able to help people like him find their way through the forest, the mud and the grind that is weight loss and all around health. I just have to keep studying. And as I watched the party keep going, I decided it was time to figure out how to get over this first rock. That's the party I am looking to join. Michael will have moved on at that point, I will likely (very and most likely) never meet him but he already gave me what I need. He gave me at least a day's worth of inspiration that people can make it to the top of the mountain. And so, I climbed over the first rock.
Once I climbed it and conquered it, I met someone new. Her name is Ana. She'll be accompanying me along the way but she won't be showing me the way. She'll just be joining me as I go. Following along as my example. She offered herself up, eyes facing straight out, palms and head facing forward. She sort of hovers on this little plane. And she's rooting for me from her still position. And while she has the ability to open up, literally, and show me what I need to see from the other planes that intersect within her, she heals with no problem. She is invisible to everyone else but me. I am not crazy, however, she's real. Very much real and she's going to be here for a while so be prepared... she doesn't have much to say but she has got plenty to teach me. She is the human body in it's purest form. When everything is healthy and complete.
(Oh... and total sidenote... my favorite keyword search from last night... someone who came across my blog... "reading rhymes while tripping".)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Fear Monster
Been doing some reading about taking the road less traveled, walking one's own path and the like. And then, after reading just a few articles I realize what I am looking to gain from these articles.
I'm looking to gain confidence.
Not so much confidence in my ability but confidence that I am getting prepared to make the right choices. Confidence that it will all turn out alright in the end. Confidence that I will land on my feet and not end up homeless and hungry in some crappy inner city. (Ok, that is a bit dramatic.) Yet, there are no guarantees. I just know, after doing a bit of reading, that I still want to strive for those things I am looking toward. Whether they are guaranteed or not, I still want to proceed. Mostly because, well, there is no good reason for me not to.
Fear? Bah! I can't let that control me. There's no point in stressing, really. Because all that stress and all that fear that comes before the end of the race is just wasted energy. This, I know, is not an original viewpoint but it is one I have adopted.
I have plenty of exciting strides and risks to take, starting within the next year. Starting with studying now. Spice pointed out that I may just have to disappear for a bit. Or somewhat, at least. I hate to admit it but this is the truth. I was trying to figure out how else I can juggle everything... it just isn't possible. There is only so much room in my life, so much time, I should say. I have to figure out my priorities... even if I am afraid of feeling estranged from my friends and family. Again, there it is... fear.
I'm looking to gain confidence.
Not so much confidence in my ability but confidence that I am getting prepared to make the right choices. Confidence that it will all turn out alright in the end. Confidence that I will land on my feet and not end up homeless and hungry in some crappy inner city. (Ok, that is a bit dramatic.) Yet, there are no guarantees. I just know, after doing a bit of reading, that I still want to strive for those things I am looking toward. Whether they are guaranteed or not, I still want to proceed. Mostly because, well, there is no good reason for me not to.
Fear? Bah! I can't let that control me. There's no point in stressing, really. Because all that stress and all that fear that comes before the end of the race is just wasted energy. This, I know, is not an original viewpoint but it is one I have adopted.
I have plenty of exciting strides and risks to take, starting within the next year. Starting with studying now. Spice pointed out that I may just have to disappear for a bit. Or somewhat, at least. I hate to admit it but this is the truth. I was trying to figure out how else I can juggle everything... it just isn't possible. There is only so much room in my life, so much time, I should say. I have to figure out my priorities... even if I am afraid of feeling estranged from my friends and family. Again, there it is... fear.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Giving More
"Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully."
- from a forward
Last night I was lying in bed, waiting to completely fall asleep and thinking about my future website. I had spent some time yesterday reading articles on good ways to promote yourself as a trainer. A website, of course, is key during this day and age. But - it pointed out not to just state what you are selling but giving people a little more than that would make sense. A blog, maybe. Regular health or fitness tips. That kind of thing.
I am thinking, yes, good idea. But I am not exactly sure how I want to approach it. Do I want to do another blog? This time focused on health and fitness/business changes. Do I just want to give a tip of the day kind of thing. Should I start some sort of email list? I have alot to think about but the main thing I really need to be thinking about is the certification itself. The studying. So far all I have learned is what the anatomical position is. I really don't know how much I am going to need that... really. But - at least I have started. Small as it may be.
- from a forward
Last night I was lying in bed, waiting to completely fall asleep and thinking about my future website. I had spent some time yesterday reading articles on good ways to promote yourself as a trainer. A website, of course, is key during this day and age. But - it pointed out not to just state what you are selling but giving people a little more than that would make sense. A blog, maybe. Regular health or fitness tips. That kind of thing.
I am thinking, yes, good idea. But I am not exactly sure how I want to approach it. Do I want to do another blog? This time focused on health and fitness/business changes. Do I just want to give a tip of the day kind of thing. Should I start some sort of email list? I have alot to think about but the main thing I really need to be thinking about is the certification itself. The studying. So far all I have learned is what the anatomical position is. I really don't know how much I am going to need that... really. But - at least I have started. Small as it may be.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Focusing on the Jump
I have to focus. Focus, focus. Focus some more and then focus again. I picked up my books today for studying... and then I placed them down. I am intimidated. (Not the best way to start my new journey, I know.) I want to get myself some flashcards in order to start studying correctly. I should just start reading... that would help. But, I haven't yet and I am not sure why. Stopping before I start is no good.
The people around me, many that are close to me are really beginning to make their mark. They are beginning to impact the world with their own brand of business and I look forward to doing the same. Biff is graduating this weekend and she's in the midst of spreading herself around to several different business prospects. Aka, freelancing and the like. Meanwhile, my beloved is in law school and he's finishing his MFA this summer. Spice is also getting herself in gear and working on starting up that long dreamed of business that I know she will conquer. Marketing and party planning. Co-Britney fan bought a house recently and the next door neighbor is heading into the world of cosmetology school. She will be great at that too.
Me... I've got to start my studying. So I can do the personal training thing. And I need to get myself into a place where I can start working on my own freelance writing business. I told myself that the next ten years are going to be all about making my life what I want it to be. Setting myself up, if you will. And you know what I have learned from all those I mentioned above? Jump into it. Spice said that to me once flat out - you just have to jump into it. I think I need to take that advice.
The people around me, many that are close to me are really beginning to make their mark. They are beginning to impact the world with their own brand of business and I look forward to doing the same. Biff is graduating this weekend and she's in the midst of spreading herself around to several different business prospects. Aka, freelancing and the like. Meanwhile, my beloved is in law school and he's finishing his MFA this summer. Spice is also getting herself in gear and working on starting up that long dreamed of business that I know she will conquer. Marketing and party planning. Co-Britney fan bought a house recently and the next door neighbor is heading into the world of cosmetology school. She will be great at that too.
Me... I've got to start my studying. So I can do the personal training thing. And I need to get myself into a place where I can start working on my own freelance writing business. I told myself that the next ten years are going to be all about making my life what I want it to be. Setting myself up, if you will. And you know what I have learned from all those I mentioned above? Jump into it. Spice said that to me once flat out - you just have to jump into it. I think I need to take that advice.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The Range of Mountains
"One may walk over the highest mountain one step at a time."
- John Wanamaker
Having walked this path that I am currently on for some time, I have in many ways become accustomed to it. I know the rhythm and I know the rhyme. I know what is expected of me and I know the angels and demons that have accompanied me. I know this walk. And what a long walk it has been since my last transition in life came several years ago. Prior to that I was on a different path, a road many have taken - though the foliage along the way wasn't blossoming exactly, it was kept alive just because that is what we do sometimes - we just survive, we do not thrive. At that turning point, four years ago, I was forcibly (albeit thankfully all this time later) pushed onto a wilderness lined path with lots of scary shadows and even a couple big, bad wolves along the way. Unfortunately, I did fall for some of the wolves' tricks but fortunately I did survive those tricks and decided as part of the aftermath of glaring at those sharp white teeth coming at me (and sometimes nipping me) that it was time to get healthy. The funny part is that I had no idea what that meant at the time... I just knew something needed to be fixed.
Now, here I am... all these years later... again. And my path is getting ready to change once again. This time... while frightened in many ways... I am looking forward to it. I know what I want but I have no real idea of what it is going to take to get there. To get what I want out of life. I know it is going to require work, lots of work but I still do not really know what that means in many ways. I will know as I come upon it... I will know as I figure it out... one step at a time.
For today, I am stepping out of these woods that were all about teaching me about me and I know I have to choose which new path to take; resistance or least resistance. I am going with resistance. I would rather not take the easy way out. I would rather climb that mountain range instead of flat and dry. I hear there are parties on top of the mountains and that getting back down into the valleys can be relatively easy, as long as I watch out for the common and uncommon pitfalls. The hills are going to require discipline and the other way, not so much. That other path, the flat one looks rather barren to me, rather like a dustbowl, rather boring. It is lined with houses every few hundred feet and I guarantee there is plenty of food and rest and mindless TV watching going on. That path looks easy but where there is grass, the grass looks fake. Nope, not for me. I choose the plush, green rolling mountains ahead of me. Maybe I'll even move one at some point but we will see.
I wonder what the first party is going to be like... I wonder who I might meet or what I might see. I wonder what kind of music they will play and what kind of food they will eat or what kind of drinks they might drink. I wonder what they do for fun and how they love. I better get going if I want to find out the answers to these questions because I want to see it first hand.
Want to come with me? It's totally up to you.
- John Wanamaker
Having walked this path that I am currently on for some time, I have in many ways become accustomed to it. I know the rhythm and I know the rhyme. I know what is expected of me and I know the angels and demons that have accompanied me. I know this walk. And what a long walk it has been since my last transition in life came several years ago. Prior to that I was on a different path, a road many have taken - though the foliage along the way wasn't blossoming exactly, it was kept alive just because that is what we do sometimes - we just survive, we do not thrive. At that turning point, four years ago, I was forcibly (albeit thankfully all this time later) pushed onto a wilderness lined path with lots of scary shadows and even a couple big, bad wolves along the way. Unfortunately, I did fall for some of the wolves' tricks but fortunately I did survive those tricks and decided as part of the aftermath of glaring at those sharp white teeth coming at me (and sometimes nipping me) that it was time to get healthy. The funny part is that I had no idea what that meant at the time... I just knew something needed to be fixed.
Now, here I am... all these years later... again. And my path is getting ready to change once again. This time... while frightened in many ways... I am looking forward to it. I know what I want but I have no real idea of what it is going to take to get there. To get what I want out of life. I know it is going to require work, lots of work but I still do not really know what that means in many ways. I will know as I come upon it... I will know as I figure it out... one step at a time.
For today, I am stepping out of these woods that were all about teaching me about me and I know I have to choose which new path to take; resistance or least resistance. I am going with resistance. I would rather not take the easy way out. I would rather climb that mountain range instead of flat and dry. I hear there are parties on top of the mountains and that getting back down into the valleys can be relatively easy, as long as I watch out for the common and uncommon pitfalls. The hills are going to require discipline and the other way, not so much. That other path, the flat one looks rather barren to me, rather like a dustbowl, rather boring. It is lined with houses every few hundred feet and I guarantee there is plenty of food and rest and mindless TV watching going on. That path looks easy but where there is grass, the grass looks fake. Nope, not for me. I choose the plush, green rolling mountains ahead of me. Maybe I'll even move one at some point but we will see.
I wonder what the first party is going to be like... I wonder who I might meet or what I might see. I wonder what kind of music they will play and what kind of food they will eat or what kind of drinks they might drink. I wonder what they do for fun and how they love. I better get going if I want to find out the answers to these questions because I want to see it first hand.
Want to come with me? It's totally up to you.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Random Thought #17
"A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to thespread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. "
- from a forward
- from a forward
Monday, May 17, 2010
A Whole Day of Freedom
Yesterday rocked. This weekend overall rocked. But - yesterday, in particular, rocked.
While I did have plans with Spice originally she had to cancel for a good reason. A very good reason. She was anticipating the birth of her new niece... and I find that to be one of the best reasons in the world to postpone plans. Luckily, that is exactly how it worked out too. Her beautiful, healthy and amazing little niece was born to her brother and his wife. Congratulations goes out to them all. New life... so many possibilities.
But - for me - that is not what overall rocked. (Can't say the atmosphere of knowing a new, joyful life was entering the world didn't help... that would be a lie.) What rocked was the freedom I felt with my time. Days like yesterday are few and far between for me since I work so many hours on the weekend. Yesterday I did exactly what I wanted to do, exactly when I wanted to do it. Yesterday I did alot but also gave some to some of the folks around me. That's how the best days seem to go. I woke up early (well, early for me - on a weekend) around 9AM. I text my neighbor right after to see if she was up for going to grab some breakfast at sister-in-friend's diner. We drove down there and back... in between I had a real and big breakfast. I haven't had one of those in a good, long time. After that... we returned home and went our separate ways. I ran some errands that were brief in nature. Bought some shorts and some needed stuff from the grocery store. Then I spoke with my beloved on the phone for a bit. Getting off after about a half hour, I jumped on my bike and rode for 7 miles. That was a record for me. I am really glad I was able to push myself. Now that will be the standard and my next record will be 8.4 miles. (That's one more lap around the park near my place.) Following the bike ride, I did some laundry and baked some strawberry muffins. The muffins turned out well and I dished some of them out to both my neighbor and, later, to the person I would end my day with. After baking (which almost always puts me in a good mood), I guiltlessly ordered my dinner for delivery, cracked open a bottle of wine and watched a couple episodes of the Sopranos. While doing that, I received a text from the one I'm involved with. Sure, I'll come over and hang for a bit.
Now... why did I tell you every last detail of my Sunday? Because I never have days like this. I rarely have a free day on the weekend. An entire day to do as I please. And what a good day it was. For those of you who have this every weekend, or nearly every weekend you may or may not see why this is a big deal. A whole day of freedom. For those of you who also have to work alot on the weekends or who have prior engagements each and every weekend, try to schedule yourself a whole day once in a while... it's so worth it.
While I did have plans with Spice originally she had to cancel for a good reason. A very good reason. She was anticipating the birth of her new niece... and I find that to be one of the best reasons in the world to postpone plans. Luckily, that is exactly how it worked out too. Her beautiful, healthy and amazing little niece was born to her brother and his wife. Congratulations goes out to them all. New life... so many possibilities.
But - for me - that is not what overall rocked. (Can't say the atmosphere of knowing a new, joyful life was entering the world didn't help... that would be a lie.) What rocked was the freedom I felt with my time. Days like yesterday are few and far between for me since I work so many hours on the weekend. Yesterday I did exactly what I wanted to do, exactly when I wanted to do it. Yesterday I did alot but also gave some to some of the folks around me. That's how the best days seem to go. I woke up early (well, early for me - on a weekend) around 9AM. I text my neighbor right after to see if she was up for going to grab some breakfast at sister-in-friend's diner. We drove down there and back... in between I had a real and big breakfast. I haven't had one of those in a good, long time. After that... we returned home and went our separate ways. I ran some errands that were brief in nature. Bought some shorts and some needed stuff from the grocery store. Then I spoke with my beloved on the phone for a bit. Getting off after about a half hour, I jumped on my bike and rode for 7 miles. That was a record for me. I am really glad I was able to push myself. Now that will be the standard and my next record will be 8.4 miles. (That's one more lap around the park near my place.) Following the bike ride, I did some laundry and baked some strawberry muffins. The muffins turned out well and I dished some of them out to both my neighbor and, later, to the person I would end my day with. After baking (which almost always puts me in a good mood), I guiltlessly ordered my dinner for delivery, cracked open a bottle of wine and watched a couple episodes of the Sopranos. While doing that, I received a text from the one I'm involved with. Sure, I'll come over and hang for a bit.
Now... why did I tell you every last detail of my Sunday? Because I never have days like this. I rarely have a free day on the weekend. An entire day to do as I please. And what a good day it was. For those of you who have this every weekend, or nearly every weekend you may or may not see why this is a big deal. A whole day of freedom. For those of you who also have to work alot on the weekends or who have prior engagements each and every weekend, try to schedule yourself a whole day once in a while... it's so worth it.
Friday, May 14, 2010
23,123
Movin' right along
Foot-loose and fancy free.
Gettin' there is half the fun; come share it with me.
- by Kenny Ascher and Paul Williams (performed by Kermit and Fozzie)
Gettin' there is half the fun and I would like you to keep sharing it with me.
Yesterday I ordered my study materials for the personal training certification. It felt great to have saved up for it instead of having to pay it back to my credit card. Very good, indeed. Was it worth the wait? Yup. It was... even if the wait was making me a bit cranky. Patience is a virtue that comes and goes with me.
Yesterday I also set a personal record for the amount of steps taken in a day. Just over 23, 000. I keep walking this path and it seems I'm actually making progress... even if progress does not always seem to be as fast as I'd like it to be.
Foot-loose and fancy free.
Gettin' there is half the fun; come share it with me.
- by Kenny Ascher and Paul Williams (performed by Kermit and Fozzie)
Gettin' there is half the fun and I would like you to keep sharing it with me.
Yesterday I ordered my study materials for the personal training certification. It felt great to have saved up for it instead of having to pay it back to my credit card. Very good, indeed. Was it worth the wait? Yup. It was... even if the wait was making me a bit cranky. Patience is a virtue that comes and goes with me.
Yesterday I also set a personal record for the amount of steps taken in a day. Just over 23, 000. I keep walking this path and it seems I'm actually making progress... even if progress does not always seem to be as fast as I'd like it to be.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Asthma
"Do you have asthma?"
"No."
That was part of the exchange between my trainer and myself last night. I have got to get back to no smoking at all. I'm still doing better than I had before... I don't smoke until late in the afternoon most days. So, my next step to get back to where I was... no more smoking in my car. Again.
"No."
That was part of the exchange between my trainer and myself last night. I have got to get back to no smoking at all. I'm still doing better than I had before... I don't smoke until late in the afternoon most days. So, my next step to get back to where I was... no more smoking in my car. Again.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Soulful
Filled with soul. Full of soul. Soulful.
But - what is "soul" and how does it fill us up?
One - it only happens because we allow it. It does not happen by accident though for some people it comes more naturally than others. Two - we are in many ways empty when we are spending too much of our lives doing that which we dislike, that which bores us, that which leaves us wanting more... but not in the "wish I had money so I could buy more stuff" kind of way. Leaves us wanting more in the "man, life feels good" kind of way.
But - how does one live with soul?
No, just eating soul food will not do this. (Though for those of us who enjoy good food, it may very well play a part.) One lives with soul by doing those things that are most themselves. They connect with their very essence and purpose on this planet with each passing moment, each passing day, each passing week, month, year. They are just short of having a light beaming out of their ears - that is how hard it is to miss them. You know them, you work with them, you go to the gym with them, you drive next to them and some of you even live with them. Some of them are you.
How do you know if you are one of them?
Do you enjoy what you are doing? Do you feel like you are headed in the right direction? Are your dreams up ahead on the path - maybe a few have already been fulfilled, maybe a few are going on right now, maybe you are living it. (I was trying to avoid saying "living the dream, baby" but it seems I am struggling here.)
If not, then how do you get there?
It is different for everyone. Depends on what you want most from life though right there you have the first question you might want to ask yourself. What do you want from your hundred years? (Yes, that is a hopeful amount of time for each of us.) But - really - what do you want? What calls to you from somewhere else? As if there is a parallel life you are meant to be living - that maybe you are living already. It's time to go join forces and start working and walking with that other self. Put your heart into it. Put your mind into it. Put your love into it. Then - and only then - will you be able to live a soulful life.
But - what is "soul" and how does it fill us up?
One - it only happens because we allow it. It does not happen by accident though for some people it comes more naturally than others. Two - we are in many ways empty when we are spending too much of our lives doing that which we dislike, that which bores us, that which leaves us wanting more... but not in the "wish I had money so I could buy more stuff" kind of way. Leaves us wanting more in the "man, life feels good" kind of way.
But - how does one live with soul?
No, just eating soul food will not do this. (Though for those of us who enjoy good food, it may very well play a part.) One lives with soul by doing those things that are most themselves. They connect with their very essence and purpose on this planet with each passing moment, each passing day, each passing week, month, year. They are just short of having a light beaming out of their ears - that is how hard it is to miss them. You know them, you work with them, you go to the gym with them, you drive next to them and some of you even live with them. Some of them are you.
How do you know if you are one of them?
Do you enjoy what you are doing? Do you feel like you are headed in the right direction? Are your dreams up ahead on the path - maybe a few have already been fulfilled, maybe a few are going on right now, maybe you are living it. (I was trying to avoid saying "living the dream, baby" but it seems I am struggling here.)
If not, then how do you get there?
It is different for everyone. Depends on what you want most from life though right there you have the first question you might want to ask yourself. What do you want from your hundred years? (Yes, that is a hopeful amount of time for each of us.) But - really - what do you want? What calls to you from somewhere else? As if there is a parallel life you are meant to be living - that maybe you are living already. It's time to go join forces and start working and walking with that other self. Put your heart into it. Put your mind into it. Put your love into it. Then - and only then - will you be able to live a soulful life.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Secondary Relationships
Still working my way through "The Seven Levels of Intimacy". And one of the things the book touched on while I was reading it last night - something that I needed to read because as of late I have been pondering this exact thing - is secondary relationships. And while we are in many of them at any given time during our life... there are only some that we should be devoting time to. One's primary relationship is their spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance and the like. So, what about these secondary relationships? How on Earth are we supposed to devote time to them as well? Plus, the relationship with ourselves that we must also nurture.
As the book states, we only have limited time. Those things that are our priority become clear by our actions. The people whom we want to develop these relationships with become clear over time. In some ways, it is only natural.
The problem I find myself having... I keep spending time on people with whom I have no interest in really developing things any further. If I have to drink to stand them... that's a bit of a problem. I mean, I do like to drink so every time I am drinking does not mean I can't stand to be around the people I am with but there are a few that this is the case. I have found myself feeling pangs of terror at having to spend hours with certain folks without a drink. Only certain people, only specific people. I am thinking that it is time for me to let these people go.
I only have so much time, after all, to work on developing the relationships that I enjoy being around, drinks or no. I have a hard time with this though. A very hard time. I am concerned about hurting people. I am concerned about people feeling rejected. In my mind it is not so much a full-on rejection (ok, maybe it is... but not in my mind - exactly) but rather a conclusion. We do not have much in common... we do not laugh together all that much... conversation is dry... why would we keep trying? On both ends. Group situations, parties and the like... no problem, we can hang still. I just don't want to do another dinner in close to silence with nothing much to delve into.
I feel awful even admitting it but the truth is I have to ask myself a question here. What kind of friend am I being to these folks if I feel terror at the idea of a conversation with them? What kind of friend am I being if I end up complaining behind their backs? There are only a couple of these folks left in my life at this point. I stopped going to meetups for this reason... because I found myself angry and complaining more often than I was having fun.
Several years ago I met one girl at a meetup. We had a great time the first time we hung out. And then the second time. The third time, not so much. I was feeling dry and cranky that day so I wasn't very much fun. I do not remember if this was before or after getting medicated. We had a lot of fun but she eventually dropped me. She simply stopped returning my texts or emails. I let it go. It was a little hurtful but nothing that stopped me in my tracks. In many ways, hanging out with her was like going on dates with someone. It goes this way with most new relationships or I guess all relationships (except familial) at some point. You spend time together... and sometimes it works... for a while. Sometimes the "while" is simply due to circumstances and that is just the way it is. And other times, it doesn't work at all - you both know it and it's an easy out. Other times, you just decide after a certain amount of time that the two of you are looking for different things in life... you enjoy different things and you think different ways. Sometimes this is something that can be reconciled because both parties really just like each other in so many other ways... sometimes it cannot be reconciled no matter how you try to approach it. Sometimes two personalities collide and it's healthier for either one or both sides to head in two different directions.
If we are not able to help them be "the-best-version-of-themselves" then what is the point? The book is right... it may not be in every aspect but in my mind, as long as we can laugh and chat and simply enjoy each other's company then you are someone I'd like to keep hanging out with. And I hope you feel the same. But - if you do not, that is ok. It just means we are two different people and while our paths combined briefly, there is no need to force ourselves to stay the course - especially not when we see our dream over there - in the distance - on the path originally designated to us. In time, the more time we spend together, sharing things together and living our lives together (even if for only a few hours at a time here and there) our relationship will be exactly what it is meant to be - for both of us. We will either let it help us develop ourselves or we will let it do nothing (or worse). Then, maybe things will change and we will drift but that is ok too.
I say this calmly now but I can think of a few folks that if they drifted away... it would truly break my heart.
As the book states, we only have limited time. Those things that are our priority become clear by our actions. The people whom we want to develop these relationships with become clear over time. In some ways, it is only natural.
The problem I find myself having... I keep spending time on people with whom I have no interest in really developing things any further. If I have to drink to stand them... that's a bit of a problem. I mean, I do like to drink so every time I am drinking does not mean I can't stand to be around the people I am with but there are a few that this is the case. I have found myself feeling pangs of terror at having to spend hours with certain folks without a drink. Only certain people, only specific people. I am thinking that it is time for me to let these people go.
I only have so much time, after all, to work on developing the relationships that I enjoy being around, drinks or no. I have a hard time with this though. A very hard time. I am concerned about hurting people. I am concerned about people feeling rejected. In my mind it is not so much a full-on rejection (ok, maybe it is... but not in my mind - exactly) but rather a conclusion. We do not have much in common... we do not laugh together all that much... conversation is dry... why would we keep trying? On both ends. Group situations, parties and the like... no problem, we can hang still. I just don't want to do another dinner in close to silence with nothing much to delve into.
I feel awful even admitting it but the truth is I have to ask myself a question here. What kind of friend am I being to these folks if I feel terror at the idea of a conversation with them? What kind of friend am I being if I end up complaining behind their backs? There are only a couple of these folks left in my life at this point. I stopped going to meetups for this reason... because I found myself angry and complaining more often than I was having fun.
Several years ago I met one girl at a meetup. We had a great time the first time we hung out. And then the second time. The third time, not so much. I was feeling dry and cranky that day so I wasn't very much fun. I do not remember if this was before or after getting medicated. We had a lot of fun but she eventually dropped me. She simply stopped returning my texts or emails. I let it go. It was a little hurtful but nothing that stopped me in my tracks. In many ways, hanging out with her was like going on dates with someone. It goes this way with most new relationships or I guess all relationships (except familial) at some point. You spend time together... and sometimes it works... for a while. Sometimes the "while" is simply due to circumstances and that is just the way it is. And other times, it doesn't work at all - you both know it and it's an easy out. Other times, you just decide after a certain amount of time that the two of you are looking for different things in life... you enjoy different things and you think different ways. Sometimes this is something that can be reconciled because both parties really just like each other in so many other ways... sometimes it cannot be reconciled no matter how you try to approach it. Sometimes two personalities collide and it's healthier for either one or both sides to head in two different directions.
If we are not able to help them be "the-best-version-of-themselves" then what is the point? The book is right... it may not be in every aspect but in my mind, as long as we can laugh and chat and simply enjoy each other's company then you are someone I'd like to keep hanging out with. And I hope you feel the same. But - if you do not, that is ok. It just means we are two different people and while our paths combined briefly, there is no need to force ourselves to stay the course - especially not when we see our dream over there - in the distance - on the path originally designated to us. In time, the more time we spend together, sharing things together and living our lives together (even if for only a few hours at a time here and there) our relationship will be exactly what it is meant to be - for both of us. We will either let it help us develop ourselves or we will let it do nothing (or worse). Then, maybe things will change and we will drift but that is ok too.
I say this calmly now but I can think of a few folks that if they drifted away... it would truly break my heart.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Peace Quote #11
"Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
- Anonymous
I am thinking about changing "peace quote" to "kickass quote" - anyone have an opinion?
- Anonymous
I am thinking about changing "peace quote" to "kickass quote" - anyone have an opinion?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The Flavor of Bland
"If you don't like it fuck you."
- Christina Aguilera, Not Myself Tonight
I am not, never have been and most likely never will be a prude. There are a few (or maybe more than just a few) people who can attest to this fact. Anyone who knows me well knows this is a fact of my existence. Yes, even my parents are aware though I do not go around throwing it in their faces. It's a respect thing. They do not, will not and need not see certain sides of me. They are my parents, not friends or more...
I don't mind hearing about sex. I don't mind talking about sex. I don't mind the idea of sex. I obviously like to have sex. I do think it's something special but I don't overly romanticize it at all times. Even in the most loving and amazing of circumstances and relationships, it is often done for plain ol' fun. Being sexual (though I have to admit I do struggle with it while I have this extra weight on me right now) is part of who I am. I do not like to go too long (though I have at times because not everyone is right for the part of one side of my bed) and I do get crankier than I probably should if waiting too long is on the agenda. I do not mind seeing sexual messages, art and the like unless they are inaccurate. And as of late much of what I am seeing, in my opinion, is inaccurate.
Threesomes are not usually a fun romp around the bedroom and "four on the floor" is not for everyone. In fact, it is not for most. Not everyone is truly attracted to both men and women. Ok... not all women are attracted to both men and women. How often do you see men making out with men and saying things in songs like "I'm kissing on the boys and the girls"? Most people would squirm at that thought and turn the radio dial... and as we saw with Adam Lambert - it can and will cause actual outrage from the public. (That, however, is for another blog - another day.) While being gay or bixsexual is in many ways a very normal part of life for many, pretending to be gay or bisexual in order to sell more records is just a sad state of affairs. A few musical artists have pulled off raw sexuality really very well. In an accurate light. Tori Amos, Debbie Harry (Blondie), Shakira, Alanis, Janet. There are others as well. Plenty of others.
What did these women have in common with the video vixens of today? Sexuality. What did they have that the Xtinas and Britneys of today seem to be lacking? Power over their sexuality. I do not outright dislike Christina or Britney, I feel bad for them. I would even still call myself a fan of some of their work, just not all of their recent work. They feel the need to basically sell themselves to their audiences using less than their talent. They feel the need to shock the people who have tuned in and turned up over the years. Is it because we demand it? Maybe. Is it because we want it? I am not so sure. There is something to be said for the air of mystery that seems to be disappearing. In many ways we no longer have to wonder what it would be like to have sex with these female entertainers. You kind of have the feeling you might already know. They have officially shown us too much.
Of course, at this moment in time I would be poorly covering the topic at hand if I did not mention the top four current pop stars out there... Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Beyonce and Taylor Swift. Are all of these women talented? Without much doubt. Do they all seem to have sold their bodies instead of their art? No. All four seem to me to be hitting the nail on the head. Does Lady Gaga sometimes go too far? Possibly. But - she never seems like she's trying to outdo anyone but herself. She seems to be running her own race. And hearing her recent comments about celibacy and getting to know the people you sleep with before sleeping with them... well... she seems to have more substance to her than one might think by just watching her videos. Her videos and performances are not for just anyone, they are racy but I do not recall any lyrics about rolling around on the floor with multiple lovers and proclaiming that it's "innocent, just for fun and nothing meant". Rihanna - she goes into some dark territory with her lyrics and music but she doesn't seem to be willing to sell out to what society would be so-called telling her is necessary. Beyonce - well - in many ways she's a classic already and while I do not enjoy her style of dress most of the time - she exudes talent and charm and respect for herself. She does not seem to think a strip tease and bondage gear is the only way to sell her records. Lastly, we cannot forget Taylor Swift. If innocence ever made a record, it was in the form of Romeo and Juliet.
Both Britney and Christina Aguilera are getting a little older. Not old, younger than yours truly but older than Lady Gaga or Rihanna. They should be past the age of feeling like they need to be super dirty to sell. Unless it is exactly that - their age - that is getting to them. They almost seem trapped to follow the follies of Madonna. Yet, I wonder... will they find themselves with an album as wonderful as Ray of Light after they have revealed too much to us as well? Will they then be prepared to reveal the real them - sensuality mixed with the mind and maybe a little spirituality just for kicks? (Referring again to "Ray of Light" - Madge's later works were boring in comparison.) They have both had babies and one has had immense troubles in the wake of some sort of mental breakdown. Do I respect both for what they originally brought to the table? Absolutely. Britney is an entertainer. Her voice is not the top of the line by a long shot but she used to know what to give her fans. She used to dance, she used to make her audience also feel like dancing... she made it look easy. Now she wiggles around holding onto an overhead pole and the feelings that come inside range from lackluster to disgust to disappointment. The truth is, I don't want my 15 year old niece getting the wrong idea. Sex has it's emotional, mental and physical tolls. It is not all fun and games, it is something to be shared with people who mean something very real to you and it also creates life. There is no way around that one. Imagine, if you will... having your threesome and creating a baby... who's the daddy? Scary thought, right? As adults we know this possibility exists and we think the idea (for most of us) is a gross one. For teenagers, it turns them on because they have little to no hormone control. The long term idea of getting pregnant, while known in a two plus two equals four type of way, does not fully scare the average teenager it seems. Makes sense since their brains are not fully developed and they are more often than not unable to fully comprehend the long term effects of their actions. But, back to the hormones side of it - it is those very hormones that will leave them feeling hurt when Johnny Playboy from their football team leaves right after getting off. Kids today are being led to believe that sex is nothing but a game to be played when they are bored. Strangely, I do believe, they are wondering why it all hurts so much after the fact. Why is it not like it looks on our recent music videos?
Why do I feel funny about using a ball gag tonight? Hmm...
Christina Aguilera has got a vocal range... a talent that is hard to match. She is brilliant when she really chooses to sing. This is what I would like to see from her... hear from her... and I do not believe I am alone. "If you don't like it fuck you." Alright and no thanks. Could we not make at least a little extra effort in our lyrics... aren't there more clever ways to say "I don't care what you have to say, I'm having fun." Does it have to carry with it the weight of hostility? Or are you not so sure yourself, dear Xtina, that maybe the people you are flipping off might be right... they may not like it because the truth is, they do and want to like you? And some of us, just a few - maybe more, maybe lots more... do not like being abandoned for those who are not willing to think certain things through - no matter how catchy they may be.
Yes, "3" is catchy. "Not Myself Tonight" is catchy. "If You Seek Amy" is catchy. "Promiscuous" is catchy. (And, yes, I am aware that's Nelly Furtado.) Sex is catchy but all of these begin to be bland once they get stripped down to a level where real humanity has been forgotten.
Our modern society is engaged in polishing and decorating the cage in which man is kept imprisoned. ~Swami Nirmalananda, Enlightened Anarchism
- Christina Aguilera, Not Myself Tonight
I am not, never have been and most likely never will be a prude. There are a few (or maybe more than just a few) people who can attest to this fact. Anyone who knows me well knows this is a fact of my existence. Yes, even my parents are aware though I do not go around throwing it in their faces. It's a respect thing. They do not, will not and need not see certain sides of me. They are my parents, not friends or more...
I don't mind hearing about sex. I don't mind talking about sex. I don't mind the idea of sex. I obviously like to have sex. I do think it's something special but I don't overly romanticize it at all times. Even in the most loving and amazing of circumstances and relationships, it is often done for plain ol' fun. Being sexual (though I have to admit I do struggle with it while I have this extra weight on me right now) is part of who I am. I do not like to go too long (though I have at times because not everyone is right for the part of one side of my bed) and I do get crankier than I probably should if waiting too long is on the agenda. I do not mind seeing sexual messages, art and the like unless they are inaccurate. And as of late much of what I am seeing, in my opinion, is inaccurate.
Threesomes are not usually a fun romp around the bedroom and "four on the floor" is not for everyone. In fact, it is not for most. Not everyone is truly attracted to both men and women. Ok... not all women are attracted to both men and women. How often do you see men making out with men and saying things in songs like "I'm kissing on the boys and the girls"? Most people would squirm at that thought and turn the radio dial... and as we saw with Adam Lambert - it can and will cause actual outrage from the public. (That, however, is for another blog - another day.) While being gay or bixsexual is in many ways a very normal part of life for many, pretending to be gay or bisexual in order to sell more records is just a sad state of affairs. A few musical artists have pulled off raw sexuality really very well. In an accurate light. Tori Amos, Debbie Harry (Blondie), Shakira, Alanis, Janet. There are others as well. Plenty of others.
What did these women have in common with the video vixens of today? Sexuality. What did they have that the Xtinas and Britneys of today seem to be lacking? Power over their sexuality. I do not outright dislike Christina or Britney, I feel bad for them. I would even still call myself a fan of some of their work, just not all of their recent work. They feel the need to basically sell themselves to their audiences using less than their talent. They feel the need to shock the people who have tuned in and turned up over the years. Is it because we demand it? Maybe. Is it because we want it? I am not so sure. There is something to be said for the air of mystery that seems to be disappearing. In many ways we no longer have to wonder what it would be like to have sex with these female entertainers. You kind of have the feeling you might already know. They have officially shown us too much.
Of course, at this moment in time I would be poorly covering the topic at hand if I did not mention the top four current pop stars out there... Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Beyonce and Taylor Swift. Are all of these women talented? Without much doubt. Do they all seem to have sold their bodies instead of their art? No. All four seem to me to be hitting the nail on the head. Does Lady Gaga sometimes go too far? Possibly. But - she never seems like she's trying to outdo anyone but herself. She seems to be running her own race. And hearing her recent comments about celibacy and getting to know the people you sleep with before sleeping with them... well... she seems to have more substance to her than one might think by just watching her videos. Her videos and performances are not for just anyone, they are racy but I do not recall any lyrics about rolling around on the floor with multiple lovers and proclaiming that it's "innocent, just for fun and nothing meant". Rihanna - she goes into some dark territory with her lyrics and music but she doesn't seem to be willing to sell out to what society would be so-called telling her is necessary. Beyonce - well - in many ways she's a classic already and while I do not enjoy her style of dress most of the time - she exudes talent and charm and respect for herself. She does not seem to think a strip tease and bondage gear is the only way to sell her records. Lastly, we cannot forget Taylor Swift. If innocence ever made a record, it was in the form of Romeo and Juliet.
Both Britney and Christina Aguilera are getting a little older. Not old, younger than yours truly but older than Lady Gaga or Rihanna. They should be past the age of feeling like they need to be super dirty to sell. Unless it is exactly that - their age - that is getting to them. They almost seem trapped to follow the follies of Madonna. Yet, I wonder... will they find themselves with an album as wonderful as Ray of Light after they have revealed too much to us as well? Will they then be prepared to reveal the real them - sensuality mixed with the mind and maybe a little spirituality just for kicks? (Referring again to "Ray of Light" - Madge's later works were boring in comparison.) They have both had babies and one has had immense troubles in the wake of some sort of mental breakdown. Do I respect both for what they originally brought to the table? Absolutely. Britney is an entertainer. Her voice is not the top of the line by a long shot but she used to know what to give her fans. She used to dance, she used to make her audience also feel like dancing... she made it look easy. Now she wiggles around holding onto an overhead pole and the feelings that come inside range from lackluster to disgust to disappointment. The truth is, I don't want my 15 year old niece getting the wrong idea. Sex has it's emotional, mental and physical tolls. It is not all fun and games, it is something to be shared with people who mean something very real to you and it also creates life. There is no way around that one. Imagine, if you will... having your threesome and creating a baby... who's the daddy? Scary thought, right? As adults we know this possibility exists and we think the idea (for most of us) is a gross one. For teenagers, it turns them on because they have little to no hormone control. The long term idea of getting pregnant, while known in a two plus two equals four type of way, does not fully scare the average teenager it seems. Makes sense since their brains are not fully developed and they are more often than not unable to fully comprehend the long term effects of their actions. But, back to the hormones side of it - it is those very hormones that will leave them feeling hurt when Johnny Playboy from their football team leaves right after getting off. Kids today are being led to believe that sex is nothing but a game to be played when they are bored. Strangely, I do believe, they are wondering why it all hurts so much after the fact. Why is it not like it looks on our recent music videos?
Why do I feel funny about using a ball gag tonight? Hmm...
Christina Aguilera has got a vocal range... a talent that is hard to match. She is brilliant when she really chooses to sing. This is what I would like to see from her... hear from her... and I do not believe I am alone. "If you don't like it fuck you." Alright and no thanks. Could we not make at least a little extra effort in our lyrics... aren't there more clever ways to say "I don't care what you have to say, I'm having fun." Does it have to carry with it the weight of hostility? Or are you not so sure yourself, dear Xtina, that maybe the people you are flipping off might be right... they may not like it because the truth is, they do and want to like you? And some of us, just a few - maybe more, maybe lots more... do not like being abandoned for those who are not willing to think certain things through - no matter how catchy they may be.
Yes, "3" is catchy. "Not Myself Tonight" is catchy. "If You Seek Amy" is catchy. "Promiscuous" is catchy. (And, yes, I am aware that's Nelly Furtado.) Sex is catchy but all of these begin to be bland once they get stripped down to a level where real humanity has been forgotten.
Our modern society is engaged in polishing and decorating the cage in which man is kept imprisoned. ~Swami Nirmalananda, Enlightened Anarchism
Friday, May 7, 2010
Labor of Love
Gratitude fills me up and yesterday found itself overflowing from within. Why? It is simple. I finished up a long and somewhat arduous process yesterday, something that has meant the world to me. Something that has opened up doors for me mentally and emotionally.
Therapy.
I am done. I have "graduated", I have the tools necessary to critically think about my life on my own at this point. Saying goodbye to Patricia was the hard part. Knowing I will most likely never see her again is tough. She's been an important person in my life. One that has guided me and helped me and taught me how to look a little further inside than I had been willing or even knew how to.
But - the thing about therapy is this... you do all the real work yourself. Not your therapist, YOU. A good therapist, in my opinion, will guide you... not tell you what to think or how to think. Challenge you, yes... cause you to squirm on occasion, definitely but that's only because they tend to sometimes force you to look at yourself in a mirror of sorts.
Now that it is over and I am finally, truly and completely moving into the next phase of my life, as I said in the beginning... I am full of gratitude. Yesterday, I had the warm and fuzzies through my whole final session and into the evening. Right up until bedtime too. Thank God for the help I have received. Thank God that I had the opportunity to work with Patricia. Thank God we clicked and thank God that I have enough of my own mind that therapy actually worked for me. Thank God I got help when I so desperately needed it. I really, truly cannot imagine what my life would look like had I not taken that step three and a half years ago. While it may not be for everyone, the experience I had was and will be one of the greatest experiences of my life. For it, I feel truly blessed.
Someone is looking out for me and wants me to live better. And while it was alot of intensive and sometimes painful labor, it was a labor of love. For myself and for those whom I can help now that I'm a little closer to being all straightened out. (Are any of us ever really all the way straightened out?) It is exciting that I am a little closer to where I want to be.
Therapy.
I am done. I have "graduated", I have the tools necessary to critically think about my life on my own at this point. Saying goodbye to Patricia was the hard part. Knowing I will most likely never see her again is tough. She's been an important person in my life. One that has guided me and helped me and taught me how to look a little further inside than I had been willing or even knew how to.
But - the thing about therapy is this... you do all the real work yourself. Not your therapist, YOU. A good therapist, in my opinion, will guide you... not tell you what to think or how to think. Challenge you, yes... cause you to squirm on occasion, definitely but that's only because they tend to sometimes force you to look at yourself in a mirror of sorts.
Now that it is over and I am finally, truly and completely moving into the next phase of my life, as I said in the beginning... I am full of gratitude. Yesterday, I had the warm and fuzzies through my whole final session and into the evening. Right up until bedtime too. Thank God for the help I have received. Thank God that I had the opportunity to work with Patricia. Thank God we clicked and thank God that I have enough of my own mind that therapy actually worked for me. Thank God I got help when I so desperately needed it. I really, truly cannot imagine what my life would look like had I not taken that step three and a half years ago. While it may not be for everyone, the experience I had was and will be one of the greatest experiences of my life. For it, I feel truly blessed.
Someone is looking out for me and wants me to live better. And while it was alot of intensive and sometimes painful labor, it was a labor of love. For myself and for those whom I can help now that I'm a little closer to being all straightened out. (Are any of us ever really all the way straightened out?) It is exciting that I am a little closer to where I want to be.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
One, One
One day at a time, one choice at a time. One day at a time, one choice at a time. One day at a time, one choice at a time.
No need to move further than that... for the moment.
Strange part is... even with the two packages of cookies and the two packages of donuts sitting right next to one another, on the table in the other room... I'm still good. I walked by them, noticed them but did not crave them. Not that all carbs are off limits (not even all "bad" carbs) but they are being cut back. By a whole lot... I can assure you of that. I had my "bad" carbs this morning in the form of homemade blueberry bread leftover from this weekend. And I'll be having some "good" carbs with lunch in the form of a whole wheat kaiser roll.
Balance, my friends. Don't want to go around wasting either.
One day at a time, one choice at a time.
No need to move further than that... for the moment.
Strange part is... even with the two packages of cookies and the two packages of donuts sitting right next to one another, on the table in the other room... I'm still good. I walked by them, noticed them but did not crave them. Not that all carbs are off limits (not even all "bad" carbs) but they are being cut back. By a whole lot... I can assure you of that. I had my "bad" carbs this morning in the form of homemade blueberry bread leftover from this weekend. And I'll be having some "good" carbs with lunch in the form of a whole wheat kaiser roll.
Balance, my friends. Don't want to go around wasting either.
One day at a time, one choice at a time.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Version Creating
Recently, I recall, though I don't know where exactly, there was a line that keeps going through my head. A mistake I made, I believe, as of late and THE main reason why I have recently been back down in the dumps, as it were.
I tried to do too much at one time.
I think.
Or, I became obsessed with doing too much at one time. I tried to get my diet, exercise, smoking, drinking and all else I could think of in order all at once. Meanwhile, I was still going out too much, staying up too late (on the weekends in particular), I was trying to fix up my wardrobe and get my money in impeccable order. I was also trying to figure out the next turn in my path career-wise. Instead, I found myself depressed with a messy apartment, all of my weight back on, I'm feeling the necessary pennies pinch, cigarettes are still staining my teeth and I'm back to wearing plain ol' baggy, comfy clothes every day instead of cute and comfy.
I'm not thrilled with the way things have gone at the moment. And while all of these things still need work and they still need improvement, I am going to refuse to pressure myself to be any one way in particular. Yes... I want to be thin again, I hate the chunk I've gained in the last few years. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Yes... I want to be able to see my muscles through my skin... not bulk but tone. Yes... I want to to quit smoking for good - for every reason under the sun. Yes... I want to stick with drinking less than what I had been in the last few weeks. When everything else goes haywire, so does my booze intake - thus creating a circular pattern that becomes very difficult to break. I want to be home more... which means cleaning, relaxing, reading and writing more - as well as spending less money. Yes - I want to dress better. I am truly frustrated with my wardrobe at the moment. None of it is comfortable to me because very little of it looks good on me because of the bulge I have going on underneath it. And I can't exactly afford to go out and get a whole new wardrobe all at once. Money - well - money is as money does. Right now I have little, eventually that will change. But - on the sorta kinda plus side - I have very little money to go out to eat with or to drink with so... there will just simply be less of that which means less fat, calories and carbs overall.
The book I'm currently reading... the Seven Levels of Intimacy... keeps repeating one phrase... "the-best-version-of-yourself". I like this term. It sort of takes the pressure off somehow. How do you become this? With every little choice you make... each and every day. Instead of trying to overhaul and revamp myself completely (because most of us average folk don't have the resources to completely revamp anything all at once) I'm just going to take it one decision at a time... one day at a time. For all of it.
Repeating that little catch-phrase to myself is helping and I have covered my one bedroom wall with those things that are important to me so I can look up and reflect on them each day. I'll get there, you'll get there, we'll get there... it's just going to be a little at a time, not all in fell swoop, it seems. Frustrating as that can be... I would rather be the all-around best version of myself as opposed to just kind of nifty here or there.
I tried to do too much at one time.
I think.
Or, I became obsessed with doing too much at one time. I tried to get my diet, exercise, smoking, drinking and all else I could think of in order all at once. Meanwhile, I was still going out too much, staying up too late (on the weekends in particular), I was trying to fix up my wardrobe and get my money in impeccable order. I was also trying to figure out the next turn in my path career-wise. Instead, I found myself depressed with a messy apartment, all of my weight back on, I'm feeling the necessary pennies pinch, cigarettes are still staining my teeth and I'm back to wearing plain ol' baggy, comfy clothes every day instead of cute and comfy.
I'm not thrilled with the way things have gone at the moment. And while all of these things still need work and they still need improvement, I am going to refuse to pressure myself to be any one way in particular. Yes... I want to be thin again, I hate the chunk I've gained in the last few years. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Yes... I want to be able to see my muscles through my skin... not bulk but tone. Yes... I want to to quit smoking for good - for every reason under the sun. Yes... I want to stick with drinking less than what I had been in the last few weeks. When everything else goes haywire, so does my booze intake - thus creating a circular pattern that becomes very difficult to break. I want to be home more... which means cleaning, relaxing, reading and writing more - as well as spending less money. Yes - I want to dress better. I am truly frustrated with my wardrobe at the moment. None of it is comfortable to me because very little of it looks good on me because of the bulge I have going on underneath it. And I can't exactly afford to go out and get a whole new wardrobe all at once. Money - well - money is as money does. Right now I have little, eventually that will change. But - on the sorta kinda plus side - I have very little money to go out to eat with or to drink with so... there will just simply be less of that which means less fat, calories and carbs overall.
The book I'm currently reading... the Seven Levels of Intimacy... keeps repeating one phrase... "the-best-version-of-yourself". I like this term. It sort of takes the pressure off somehow. How do you become this? With every little choice you make... each and every day. Instead of trying to overhaul and revamp myself completely (because most of us average folk don't have the resources to completely revamp anything all at once) I'm just going to take it one decision at a time... one day at a time. For all of it.
Repeating that little catch-phrase to myself is helping and I have covered my one bedroom wall with those things that are important to me so I can look up and reflect on them each day. I'll get there, you'll get there, we'll get there... it's just going to be a little at a time, not all in fell swoop, it seems. Frustrating as that can be... I would rather be the all-around best version of myself as opposed to just kind of nifty here or there.
Monday, May 3, 2010
A Chance To Start Over
It was a cold December night in West Orange, New Jersey. Thomas Edison's factory was humming with activity. Work was proceeding on a variety of fronts as the great inventor was trying to turn more of his dreams into practical realities. Edison's plant, made of concrete and steel, was deemed "fireproof". As you may have already guessed, it wasn't!
On that frigid night in 1914, the sky was lit up by a sensational blaze that had burst through the plant roof. Edison's 24-year-old son, Charles, made a frenzied search for his famous inventor-father. When he finally found him, he was watching the fire. His white hair was blowing in the wind. His face was illuminated by the leaping flames. "My heart ached for him," said Charles. "Here he was, 67 years old, and everything he had worked for was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, 'Charles! Where's your mother?' When I told him I didn't know, he said, 'Find her! Bring her here! She'll never see anything like this as long as she lives.'"
Next morning, Mr. Edison looked at the ruins of his factory and said this of his loss: "There's value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God, we can start anew."
What a wonderful perspective on things that seem at first to be so disastrous. A business failure, divorce, personal dream gone sour . . . whether these things destroy an individual depends largely on the attitude he or she takes toward them. Sort out why it happened, and learn something from the blunders. Think of different approaches that can be taken.
Start over.
Authors Details: Unknown Author
On that frigid night in 1914, the sky was lit up by a sensational blaze that had burst through the plant roof. Edison's 24-year-old son, Charles, made a frenzied search for his famous inventor-father. When he finally found him, he was watching the fire. His white hair was blowing in the wind. His face was illuminated by the leaping flames. "My heart ached for him," said Charles. "Here he was, 67 years old, and everything he had worked for was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, 'Charles! Where's your mother?' When I told him I didn't know, he said, 'Find her! Bring her here! She'll never see anything like this as long as she lives.'"
Next morning, Mr. Edison looked at the ruins of his factory and said this of his loss: "There's value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God, we can start anew."
What a wonderful perspective on things that seem at first to be so disastrous. A business failure, divorce, personal dream gone sour . . . whether these things destroy an individual depends largely on the attitude he or she takes toward them. Sort out why it happened, and learn something from the blunders. Think of different approaches that can be taken.
Start over.
Authors Details: Unknown Author
Sunday, May 2, 2010
TV/VCR Combo
What is your world about? What are those things that you love or that you think you could love - given the opportunity to pursue and experience? (Even if you have to make the opportunity yourself...)
This is not the easiest question for everyone. And for everyone there are always differences. Luckily we have all been made differently in that respect. What interests you may not interest me and vice versa but that really is ok. That is exactly what makes the world keep buzzing along. That is what adds variety and spice.
Yesterday, a friend of mine mentioned that I need a new TV. I do not feel that I do. Mine works for my needs. And while I see no harm in others owning a larger, flat, more defined television set... it really doesn't cross my mind. It might, if I had alot of disposable income but I do not. I'm just a regular girl with a boring TV. However, I do find myself wondering if this is true. Would I really care about my TV if I did have more money? I'd like to believe I would not... I'd be out doing, not doing more watching.
You see... this is the difference. And, sure, we would all like to find at least one or two people who want what we want but chances are they will truly be few and far between. Chances are there will not be all that many that you come across unless you start answering and doing the answers to the questions at the beginning of this post.
What would you like your world to look like? How can you make it happen? Is it already as you would wish it to be? Congratulations, if so. That is truly fantastic news. But - if it's not, if it could be so much more... well... maybe it is time to start moving. Maybe it's time to start being that person whom you are meant to be. The one that has the desires inside but hasn't really begun to explore them. This is where you will find your life - your unique, wonderful, amazing and sometimes painful life. And once you start moving in sync with your rightful place in this world... you will begin to see all that life is meant to be.
And... even better... you just might inspire others to live their dreams too.
This is not the easiest question for everyone. And for everyone there are always differences. Luckily we have all been made differently in that respect. What interests you may not interest me and vice versa but that really is ok. That is exactly what makes the world keep buzzing along. That is what adds variety and spice.
Yesterday, a friend of mine mentioned that I need a new TV. I do not feel that I do. Mine works for my needs. And while I see no harm in others owning a larger, flat, more defined television set... it really doesn't cross my mind. It might, if I had alot of disposable income but I do not. I'm just a regular girl with a boring TV. However, I do find myself wondering if this is true. Would I really care about my TV if I did have more money? I'd like to believe I would not... I'd be out doing, not doing more watching.
You see... this is the difference. And, sure, we would all like to find at least one or two people who want what we want but chances are they will truly be few and far between. Chances are there will not be all that many that you come across unless you start answering and doing the answers to the questions at the beginning of this post.
What would you like your world to look like? How can you make it happen? Is it already as you would wish it to be? Congratulations, if so. That is truly fantastic news. But - if it's not, if it could be so much more... well... maybe it is time to start moving. Maybe it's time to start being that person whom you are meant to be. The one that has the desires inside but hasn't really begun to explore them. This is where you will find your life - your unique, wonderful, amazing and sometimes painful life. And once you start moving in sync with your rightful place in this world... you will begin to see all that life is meant to be.
And... even better... you just might inspire others to live their dreams too.
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