Real Change

Ponder this universal truth: For real change to occur, awareness, dedication, and perseverance are always needed. How much are you really interested in these things and how far are you willing to go to attain them? - (Understanding the Enneagram, 330)

I have spent over three years working on my insides. And I don't mean my organs... well, maybe my brain. In May, therapy will come to an end. I had the awareness that I needed it when I couldn't stop crying after my breakup and the pain was just unbareable. I cried daily for months, at least. Things started to get better, I was going once a week at first. Then about a year after starting therapy I realized my life looked like no one else's that I know. It was messier than the usual complicated messy that I've seen in other people's lives before. I started back on medication for the first time since I was 18. Slowly but surely, by sticking with both and subsequently fighting for a routine at work that wasn't causing me to take doses of my medication at all different times, there began a real difference. I was dedicated to getting better. And I stuck with it, even when it was rough or I didn't like how either made me feel.

Now I'm on a new track. This one is about the window dressing. The outside of me. The externals. Not just my hair and clothes and makeup though they play a big part... my health, my work, my new life. Organizing and making plenty of time for me. Figuring out how to keep ahold of my stresses so that they don't cause me stress. There are plenty of big things in life to get worked up about, no need to let messy get me down again.

My life is about completing now in a way it's never been before. Once I start a project, I want to see it through. Once I head down one path, I want to see where it leads before jumping on another one.

In the words of TI/Justin Timberlake "the old me is dead and gone". (I always feel funny using the words of popstars.)

Weekly Weigh-In #4

So, it's time for my weekly weigh-in. And the sad and annoying result is that I haven't lost an ounce since last week. I haven't gained either so that part is good, I suppose. There are factors around this that I'm sure played a part but it's still annoying to know I've worked hard most of the time yet no more weight has come off.

I missed more than one cardio workout in the past week. Saturday in particular and Sunday I did all my walking but nothing extra. Monday I did not stay on the treadmill as long as I should have. I try to do at least an hour at a time of cardio, most days of the week. I give myself one day off (which should have been last Friday and I was originally sticking by - until Saturday's hangover came and I didn't get on any machines or do any other kind of exercise, I didn't even get in my 10,000 steps a day - but oh well - this week will be different). Sunday I should have gotten a bit more cardio in on top of the 16,000 steps I took. Especially to make up for Saturday. So - where did I lack this week? Consistency in working out. My calorie watch wasn't bad at all. I slacked a bit on Saturday but nothing over the top. Though the extra beers on Friday night probably didn't help either. Yeah. Woulda, shoulda, coulda - no point in that really.

Also - sorry, boys - I got my period yesterday. I'm a bit bloated. Hoping by tomorrow or Saturday that bit of weight will go away and I'll see a change in the scale after all.

Pounds lost so far: 6.6

Peace Quote #9

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."

-- Nicholas Evans

Fate Just Is

Last week my mom was having chest pains. She spent an overnight in the hospital for them to declare that the there was no evidence of a heart attack and they were sending her home. Gas? Maybe. They said they would ignore the stress test findings if she found herself back in the emergency room. I went to visit on Thursday afternoon because prior to them saying it was nothing terrible they were talking an invasive procedure. The procedure, it turns out, would have been overkill.

Personally, I'm a little concerned that they didn't find a problem. But - at the same time - I like to believe in doctors. I like to believe for the best in them.

It is scary every time my mom goes into the hospital for her heart. It's a reminder of how easily life can be taken from us. Our bodies are strong and resilient and, yet, they are amazingly frail at the same time. We could disappear within moments of feeling our most alive. We could be laughing and talking and joking and feeling completely present in the moment... and then during the next moment we could be silenced - for good. And what's even scarier, at least to me, is the loss of those I love dearly. I am sure the thought, if you REALLY think about it, is just as scary for everyone else. It's a strange knowledge we live with when we do decide to be actively engaged with other people. Someone is going to go first. Someone you love or someone they love and there's no way to tell which way it is going to happen. It is a matter of fate, in my opinion. And, fortunately, fate just is. There isn't anything we can do to alter it. At least, fate in this respect.

Love those you care about completely and totally. Never forget that caring for people (including yourself) is the most important thing we have to do on any given day, during any given hour.

Welcoming Freddy

Buck rocks. I have been spending my little bit of spare time on a classic book. I want to say "Into the Wild" because of the movie but it's "The Call of the Wild" by Jack London. I know I've recently referenced it and I also I know I wrote about Jack London some time back. This book has some of the most beautiful paragraphs and sentences I have ever read. Not that my reading is as extensive as I'd like it to be but I'm getting there. The book is told by a narrator but it is generally Buck's (a dog) point of view. It goes into his feelings and thoughts and trials and tribulations. It will make you think of animals a little differently. At least that's what it's done for me.

This past Sunday I brought home a new member of the family. Of my own little family of one, that is. His name is Fred. I will not be using a pseudonym for my cat. He's named after my grandfather and he is cute as a button. Biff knew someone who had him and they had to give him up, he was part of a rescued litter. And yesterday, as I glanced at him while he ran around wrestling everything he could find, I got to thinking... I wonder what he's really thinking. I wonder if their thoughts are anywhere near as thoughtful as Buck's. What does their internal language sound like?

Fred has not been very warm to me. He almost seems convinced that I'm out to get him. Like my hands will squish him if I touch him. I've been patient and I'll be patient... he's been through some trauma. Imagine living in an oil barrel with no way to get out. Imagine breathing in said oil and being covered by it. Imagine mom disappearing from your life one way or another when you were no more than a toddler. Imagine almost getting the death sentence for simply living. Imagine being torn away from your siblings without your ok, even if there was no other choice because your new mom couldn't adopt more than one of you. (One bedroom apartment, folks.)

So, just like Buck... Fred needs love. And just like Buck, Fred needs an owner who understands what going through shit can lead to. I haven't finished the Call of the Wild yet so I can't comment on how it's all going to turn out. But - I'd like to predict that my little Freddy will end up being very happy and content when all is said and done.

My pets don't have a choice but to accept love after a little while.

Weekly Weigh-In #3

It is getting so much easier... counting calories, getting used to the amount of food I should eat. The strange part is how I find myself eating ALL day long now that I'm counting. I can totally handle this. And tonight, I will be making my favorite casserole. Once I figured out the calories last night, I was pleasantly surprised. Under 500 calories per serving! Woo-hoo!

Yes... this excites me now.

Pounds lost so far: 6.6

How To Be A Winner

The Winner - is always part of the answer
The Loser - is always part of the problem

The Winner - always has a program
The Loser - always has an excuse

The Winner - says "Let me do it for you"
The Loser says "That's not my job"

The Winner - sees an answer for every problem
The Loser - sees a problem for every answer

The Winner - sees a green near every sand trap
The Loser - sees two or three sand traps near every green

The Winner - says "It may be difficult but it's possible"
The Loser - says "It may be possible but it's too difficult"

Authors Details: Unknown Author

Can?

Can someone make a change? I mean, a big external change (that should help the inside as well in the long run). The kind of change that requires new skill sets, a new way of living, a different lifestyle. Can someone actually and truly follow their dreams?

History would certainly say "yes". History is littered with those who have. In fact, much of history is made by exactly those people; the people who have made a difference in the lives of others, not just their own... whether by inspiring or giving an example or exploring or by seeking.

Starting again, starting over... finding a new path to walk down can be daunting. Knowing where you want the path to lead helps a bit but it does not help the nerves to calm much.

What if I fail? At least I tried? What happens when you try but you don't make it? Do you try again based on what you now know... or do you give up? I guess the only way to answer these questions is to go ahead and give it a shot.

Random Thought #12

"I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in."

- taken from a forward

It Came to Buck

There is an ecstacy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as complete forgetfulness that one is alive. This ecstasy, this forgetfulness of living, comes to the artist, caught up and out of himself in a sheet of flame; it comes to the soldier, war-mad on a stricken field and refusing quarter; and it came to Buck, leading the pack, sounding the old wolf-cry, straining after the food that was alive and that fled swiftly before him through the moonlight.

- From "The Call of the Wild" by Jack London

Some of us hope to find our lives in a place like this, don't we? Some of us are willing to take risks in order to see what's really out there... others aren't. I'd like to believe that I am one of those people who will continue to live in a manner that suggests the forgetfulness of being alive. I'm working on it. Are you?

The Lack of Worms

It's been a big part of my life for three years and counting. I have been visiting my therapist for over three years. And lately it's become a large bit of nothing to REALLY talk about. Nowhere to really get our hands dirty. A couple little bugs but nothing major. Mere flies to swat away on occasion, no longer worms that we have to find, grab and squish in the mud.

I went to see her yesterday. Toward the end of the session she wanted to tell me the news. She is four and half months pregnant with a baby boy. It wasn't planned but stuff happens sometimes. She and her husband had planned on just sticking with the only child they already have. So... what does that mean for me? What happens when she goes on maternity?

It turns out... a whole lotta nothing happens to me. She is going to administrative work when she comes back from maternity so we're both going to take that as our queue. It's time to draw it to a close. It was heading in that direction anyway... now we can just say goodbye in a few months. I will only be going back once a month until May.

I walked out of there with dueling feelings. Sadness because someone very important to me, I will have to say goodbye to. In a meager five months. Joy because it means two wonderful things. One, another beautiful life is going to be coming into the world and two, I've accomplished something - from start to finish.

Weekly Weigh-In #2

The magic happens, not when you do great work, but do a little more after that.
The muscle grows not on the last rep you feel you can do, but the two more you
do after that.
Olympic wrestlers BEGIN training when they feel exhausted right after working out
and wrestling all over the mats.
It's when you think you can't do more, but DO, that your life really begins to move.

- Brian Kim

Pounds lost so far: 4

Hoagie War

The hoagie tray sat there this afternoon on a table that sat nearly between me and my sad little spring mix salad that was waiting in the fridge. It was lunchtime and someone brought in a hoagie tray for everyone to enjoy. Meanwhile, I can make just about no bend in my calories today because tonight's dinner is going to be larger than usual. I'm making dinner for my parents. The calories are not going to fall into the 500 calorie per meal range that I like to stick to at the moment. Once the weight is back at "healthy", that will change.

So... there I am... hand on the fridge door, staring at the hoagies. They looked good. Really, really good. Sandwiches are a serious problem spot for me. Hoagies especially. I really, truly and completely love me some hoagie. I couldn't decide... did I want to just indulge and suck it up and not care or would I care too much later - knowing it would not be worth it in the long run. In the tonight run. I even get to have two glasses of wine with my dad tonight. I've got it all figured out.

Then I started debating... could I take off the cheese and feel better about it? I would only use mustard, the mayo really wasn't tempting me as much as the processed meat and the bulky bread. Meanwhile - I had my salad nearly in the other hand... without cheese today... another bit of enjoying tonight... and I had my whole wheat crackers with a little strawberry jam to look forward to. Yeah... that sounds somewhere in the realm of just as enticing as meat and cheese and bread, right?

I chose the salad... and the crackers. And the little bit of jam. One tablespoon, to be exact. Strange part was... once I started in on the salad... all temptation from the hoagies went away.

I look forward to the day when I can partake again without knowing that I'm working against. But - for now - each time I make the right choice, I'm doing nothing but helping myself of the road to better health and a body I want to put nice clothes on again.

Random Shooting Pains

I'm kind of surprised with myself. I haven't touched this thing in four days. That's quite a while for me.

And in those four days I found myself out on a date and then sick. I felt terrible the last two days. My bones were aching and then on top of that... there were random firings of pain all over my body. One second it'd be like a mini-stabbing in my upper left arm then the next second it'd be a mini-stabbing in my right hip. When I say mini-stabbing, I mean the stabbing was done by a knife the size a Barbie might use. None of it felt like it was in the muscles either, it felt deeper. That began to subside by yesterday but I was still exhausted and could barely do more than stay awake for a half hour at a time. Not to mention how cold I was feeling - in rather sudden bursts. Twice I could only warm myself up by getting super hot showers. One of those two times I was shaking almost uncontrollably while I was waiting for the shower to heat up. I don't get sick too often but when I do... this is just about how it is. Random pain, sometimes accompanied by a little congestion or a small sore throat or the chills. I think I wore myself down over the last few weeks. I didn't take any real time to recover from the holidays before jumping right into a workout crazy schedule. All I could do was pray to have a normal amount of energy today so I could be more of what I need to be. Well, prayer did come through this time it seems. Yay! I'm feeling better. And even if it isn't actually prayer, I like thinking it is. I like hoping it is. I like feeling that it is.

But - the date went well. We'll be going out again this upcoming Saturday for lunch. We'll see how it goes. I mean, it went well but it wasn't exactly blow me away... yet it's completely worth at least the second try. I'm feeling more of a friendship vibe with this guy... we'll see if some butterflies start to blossom in the ol' tummy on Saturday. I will say that at least they're not worms blossoming so far.

Weight loss update on Thursday. Hopefully I will have at least maintained my weight though the biggest part of me is hoping that the scale will have gone down by at least some...

Personal Training Possibilities

Years ago I started training to be a personal trainer. As I usually do, I became nearly obsessed and I took to learning and reading and embracing the idea as much as I possibly could. I took it on with a passion. Then I dropped the idea with nearly as much passion. I dropped it like a ton of bricks off the Empire State Building. I lost all interest and I stopped working my own body along with it.

Why? I don't know exactly. I do know, however, that when I was in a full time live-in relationship, I dropped alot of things off the Empire State Building. But suddenly I've got the drive back. I love working out and I've been doing it nearly every spare moment that I can. My scale isn't budging nearly as much as I'd like. But - my shape is changing. As I took a look in the mirror last night I could see it. I have to start taking my measurements so I can keep track of that too.

The Biggest Loser has helped push me back in the direction of personal training. I can't deny it. I forgot the aspect of how much I'd love to help other people. Yes, that means I have to stay in shape... without a doubt but that's something I plan to do anyway. Plus... I started it... I need to finish it. Even if it's just a little bit late.

Today's results: scale is up .2 pounds from yesterday. I'm going to start being accountable to my readers now too. Pounds lost so far: 2.8

Peace Quote #8

Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of.
-- Geri Weitzman


(Personally, I've found this to be true more often than not.)

Pain and Gain

I'm busy walking about as stiff as I ever have. Maybe. At least it seems it right now. I didn't want to take today off but I kind of think maybe I need to so that I can get back on the horse tomorrow. Maybe I'll just pace a bit when I get home tonight in order to get some extra steps in. And do a small stretching workout. Seriously, the pain is good but I'd like to be able to move again a little more freely. I kicked butt this weekend working out. Even if my scale did still manage to go up. Again. (Yes, this annoys me.)

My friend from some time ago and I are working to make our friendship there again. Completely there again. Going to a happy hour together tonight and she said she'd like to train with me for the century ride. Still waiting for the fall century rides to show up on the schedule.

Each day I'm working and making small strides. No pain, no gain, right?