The Taming of You and I

We, the inhabitants of the tamed, "over-developed" world, live longer than the people of the Cockscomb or the Amazon, but we live some would say (of us city-dwellers, anyway), too much like zoo animals, pacing back and forth in our allotted cells.

-Wickerby, Charles Siebert


The truth is I don’t know where the Cockscomb is besides that it is in Belize. I am slightly more aware of the Amazon but not so much with Cockscomb. Clearly, I have visited neither.

This fact does not change the message here. I read the book this statement is from and consequently fell in love with said quote. It reeks of combining another way of life with our contemporary lifestyle. It smells of the remnants of a potpourri that once was in your home but has since moved on. It is the odor that is stuck in your sofa cushions or in the carpet you casually traipse across. You notice it but you don’t know how to bring it back from the trash. When we were children, the ability to smell and enjoy the fragrance existed for most of us. And with that, the ability to explore without condemnation, without fear.

We knew the art of being simple. As adults we cannot be simple minded and we cannot be oblivious to the world but we can live in a state of chosen simplicity, all the same. What if we focused on the pleasures that open us up both spiritually and mentally to the much larger picture? No one person is simple in and of themselves; we are all complicated and made up of millions of large and small experiences as well as the genes that exist in our DNA. All of this added together is not to say, however, that we cannot enjoy a peaceful mind most of the time.

The thing is that life is meant to be enjoyed. At least that is what I believe. We are not meant to be stressed and hurting more often than not; pondering how we compare to one another. Jealousies and comparison are a breeding ground for the seeds of a tumultuous life. Believe me when I tell you I would know. I have personally spent too much time focusing on what I don’t have rather than on the blessings I do have. I have wasted many an hour wondering why others get “the good life” while I feel stuck without whatever I interpret their blessings to be. The grass often looks greener from far away. The problem is we do not know what fertilizer has been used to make it so seemingly lush. Much of this is based in the fear that we will always be left out in the cold somehow. Most of us will not. For those who are, it would be good if we would take the time to help them change that fact. We are meant to overcome our fears. We are not meant to feel trapped by what we may or may not lack, we are meant to be free and loving. It is pressure that makes us pace back and forth, more like a caged animal than most of us would be willing to admit.

Are we trapped by those around us? Are we trapped by what they have said, have done and have expected of us? Sometimes. But, if we allow that kind of entrapment, we live life as a victim of circumstance instead of rising above it. While being a victim happens to all of us from time to time, choosing to live as a casualty is something only we are responsible for allowing.

I do think the pace at which we live does not help. We are available to everyone, all the time. We do not get time alone to explore our own selves and we must learn how to turn off the ringer. We can find out anything we need to within moments – yet rarely is it used to enlarge our conceptions of the larger world out there. Yet - you are not going see me jumping into a buggy anytime soon. Well, at least not to get from point A to point B.

Wouldn’t it be fun to unlock the locks we’ve placed on ourselves so that we can start smelling the roses? So that we can eat a pasta sauce that spent hours simmering on the stove instead of always from a jar? (Unless, of course, from a jar just tastes better in your kitchen.) Would it not be fun to allow ourselves to say we are doing too much? We are involved with too much? We don’t even know ourselves well enough to know what we really should be doing as opposed to so much of what we actually do. The walls have been built around us with little hope of escape unless we choose to collect the right to some freedom. This means letting go of some of what we think we know and allowing more of what we do not know. Which also means letting others be trapped in their cages if they choose to be while we roam free right outside, not allowing the shackles to keep us wound up too tight. When one such as this has found the joy that comes from such leeway, only then will they be prepared to help others find it too.

It is not necessarily easy, I will say that. But it absolutely, positively can be done.

The Change of Shape

"Every positive change - every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness - involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception."

-- Dan Millman

Dammit! I know this to be true. The last few days were rough but it's getting better. Still a little shaky and hoping I didn't act too terribly over the last four or five days or so, maybe it was a little longer than that. It started last week and some ingredients dropped in to get under my skin something awful. Disappointment first. Dude just stopped calling for the most part though with him, I know I was fine. And there were another couple issues that made me feel uncomfortable around some of the people I love. No one thing is ever the problem, there's usually only a catalyst. The feeling of knowing that no matter what, some relationships are just meant to change shape. And that change is often discomforting.

But - you move on. Once you're ready. And you learn how to love in a different way, a way more suitable to who you are now, not who you were before.

Not Long Enough Yet

I have no idea why everything has felt so overwhelming as of late. It's not that I'm feeling all that bad (though, admittedly the last couple days I've felt like I was fighting something off). I just don't want to be tied down to anything. I don't want to have no free time anymore. I just want my life to be normal and available instead of commitment after commitment. I want to be able to do things spontaneously instead of always so orderly.

This is no huge revelation, I've been working on it for the last few weeks. Working on making my life the way I want it at this point.

Still, though, it doesn't feel like enough quite yet. Maybe I just haven't had enough time to get used to it yet. It has only been a few days... I just know that I'm still feeling overwhelmed. Like there's just still too much to do.

Want To Come Out and Play?

I’m not sure she’s capable of any real feelings.
She’s television generation. She learned life from Bugs Bunny.

-Network

As some of you who read this know, I do not have cable. Nor do I have any kind of box that allows me to see any local channels whatsoever. This makes me happy. Very, very happy. I have a DVD player and a television, they just have no connections to the outside world. I certainly don’t live a life of boredom though sometimes I am an outcast in light conversation. People often ask if I have seen a commercial and I say no. I am just fine with not having a clue what they’re talking about. Perfectly fine.

It is not that I see TV as inherently evil. It’s not some sort of religious statement or anything crazy like that. My happiness with my odd state of being in modern day America comes from two things. First, it started out as a way to save money. No cable bill. Second, I did not used to watch the telly. Did I want to go back? I spent years watching it (I went from non-watcher, to mega watcher, to non-watcher) with just about no gain except the occasional HBO show that absolutely rocked.* However, that’s the beauty of DVD. No commercials to zip through or silence. No commercials that make me want to keep up with the Joneses.

I think one of the things about most small screen programming that gets me is how it desensitizes. I know this is not a new revolutionary thought. Not one bit. It really struck me several weeks ago when I went to Little Mama’s house and we did watch TV. It was a Friday night, not too late, not too early and all that appeared to be on were cop dramas. Lots and lots of guns. Lots and lots of shooting one another. Lots of people dying. Every time you see one of those people die, a knot does not rise up in the throat. You don’t think about their mother or their father or their other miscellaneous loved one. You do not strike a balance with why death is so important to the living. The taking of most human life should evoke an emotional response. When you see it over and over again, it stops meaning anything. When children grow up seeing these things plus the news – what must their minds be thinking? Or not thinking? Many of the shows are not badly acted but not enticing either. I had no desire to know what was going to happen in the end. Instead, I got on her laptop and brought up Netflix. How about a little bit of the Office to lighten the mood? Again, no commercials, just good comedy with a splash of real feeling. Based on what I’m looking for in life, comedy with a just a splash of drama (not drama queen drama, the real thing, the stuff that should matter) is just the right speed.

What concerns me is not so much that people watch TV regularly. Though I am concerned they clearly watch too much of it. There is more than one reason obesity has skyrocketed, why the new thin is actually still overweight. What also concerns me is the impact on today’s kids. When I was growing up, it used to be the norm to go out and play. Not a playdate. You simply would go outside, walk (or run or ride your bike – without a helmet) to a friend’s house, knock on their door and literally say “do you want to play?”. Your day was set. And little, if any of it was spent indoors. I am pretty sure this occurrence has gone the same way as banana clips. However, unlike banana clips, I don’t know that we should be thankful.

I guess all I’m saying is that if we allow TV to be such a big part of our lives, we are bound to lose sight of a few things. Other things… wonderful things. I’ll leave the challenge up to you, though. Turn off the receiver a bit more and get out, get living. Go do the things people on reality shows are doing, don’t just watch them do it. (Though behaving like trash is no good either… if that’s how you want to behave, I beseech you to please go back to your regularly scheduled programming.) Go live life. Trust me, I know there are times when TV comes in handy (and I really do love the occasional series on DVD). I also realize that the boob tube holds it’s value in the sense of providing us access to national news, big news… the kind of news we need and/or really want to see (being able to see the end of the World Series last year was amazing… and being able to watch 9/11 unfold still feels like it was necessary). My hope is that more people begin to realize that the people and books and nature around you hold so much more promise and wonder than any amount of flickering blue light can offer. Get up, move your body, you will feel better. I promise.

And you just might also start spending more time thinking for yourself. Living for yourself, seeing the world in a whole new, different way.

*The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park and the Chappelle Show are (or were) awesome too.

Random Thought #4

"Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk."

-taken from a forward

Chill

When I talk about this, I'm not talking about depression. When I'm talking about this, I'm not talking about mania or my disorder or anything of that nature. When I'm talking about this, I'm talking about desperately waiting for a change. A change in lifestyle. Something more conducive to what one wants from their overall life. When you look back, what do you want to see? Life is short, we all know this. How can you make the most of it while still keeping the energy to do so?

Rest.

I have not taken a good rest in years. Constant obligations, constant worry, constant attempts to make my life "better" have left me feeling drained. Most of my worry, I find, comes from the fact that I want to make my life more what I want but I don't. I worry that I'm not showing those I love enough love. But - I do. I just need to show myself a little more in the process.

I want to chill. And I am going to chill. After this week, my schedule starts to clear out. Big time. I can not even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to it.

I know I want to relax alot more, I'm just wondering if I really will be able to follow through... hmm...

Watching My Back

Boy I gotta watch my back 'cause I'm not just anybody
- Aaliyah, Are You That Somebody

All I'm looking for in a guy is simple. Someone to have fun with, someone I'm attracted to, someone to talk with and someone who treats me as well as I treat him. Is this list too long?

Yes, there are other things that can be a turn-on, turn-off. Calling me a whore, even as a joke on our first date is a no-go. Those kinds of things are just previews of the disrespect that I can expect later. I'd like you to be able to bring to the table the things I can bring. A license, a job and a place of your own. I can deal with the no place of your own, if the circumstances are right. I can deal with that if you're in between homes. It happens. I would know.

When a guy you like, a guy who fits the bill comes along, it's exciting. I was happy. Really, really happy. However, now he wants to talk about things. Which means I'm probably going to have to swallow the disappointment and move along. There are no guarantees until we've actually spoken about it but - ugh - I don't want to keep dating losers. This one was so not a loser, he is awesome. But - if the timing is off, what can one do?

Dammit. I've experienced enough of the dating world. I'd like to slide into the real thing. You know, someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. It's a bit on the tough side, the idea of thinking positive right now. I'd rather think negative and be pleasantly surprised than think positively and have the rug pulled out from under me. It's easier that way. During my time in the playing field, that's one thing I've learned about the guys I get involved with. I should be used to disappointment by now but I don't know that it's ever something you really get used to. You always feel it, no matter how much you watch your back.

Captain and Me

Some nights will just live forever as one of the great nights. Saturday night was that for me. Captain and Me.

I was fighting a losing battle with a depressive episode at the end of last week. My fuctioning was getting just about down to no gas left in the tank. The yellow light had come on. Luckily, on Saturday I still got my sorry, sad self into work. Was there a catalyst? Yes. There almost always is. Will I go into it right now? No. Because I may or may not have jumped to some conclusions that weren't exactly justified. We'll see... time will tell.

Captain was there for me. We hung out after I got done work. With my sweats on and my hair barely brushed, while the idea of makeup or jeans was a million miles away. At least I didn't smell badly, I had managed to shower this time around, every single day. Friday night into Saturday was actually the worst of it though everything had started falling around me as early as Thursday night.

Then, on Saturday night, as we sat around talking all night long, I began to feel better. Was it the beer I was drinking? No. It was the company I was keeping and the feeling that I can say anything to him without being judged. He and I have not been friends for a really long time but he gives me the security of a ten year friendship. Actually, he gives me better security than some of my older relationships. And I know some of what I've told him has freaked him out but he never made me feel like I was crazy, even when what I was saying sounded crazy.

Things on Saturday night eventually snowballed and became really fun. It started with me wanting to show him a video on youtube and somehow that broke the mood. I am currently addicted to Lady Gaga's Paparazzi. Addicted. But - the video is wacky and so is she. She seems completely normal in many ways but completely not normal in others. Maybe I identify with that. Maybe that's thinking it through too much.

Either way, he was willing to watch and listen and I was willing to do the same. We sat up and talked WAY too late or early, depending on how you see it. I was irresponsible, I'll admit it. I should have been prepared to be on time for my other friend's reception. I wasn't. I had to sleep because I took my meds hours and hours too late. Was it worth it?

Yes. Would I love to relive it? Yes. Would I still do five reverse crabs through the course of the night? Yes. (Though my back may not agree.) Would I take back anything that I told him? No. Would he take back anything he discussed with me? Nope. He said he hasn't laughed that much in a long time. I'm right there with him. I felt freedom on Saturday night. The kind of freedom that comes with being 18, the kind of freedom we all long for from time to time. Carefree.

Thanks, Captain for helping out your friend.

Kermit the Frog: I'm Not Dating Lady Gaga

By Michael Y. Park (from People.com)

Photo by Kevin Mazur/WireImage

When Lady Gaga rolled up to the MTV Video Music Awards, the world was agog at the identity of her high-profile date – America's Frog Next Door, Kermit the Frog.

After all, the movie and TV star, singer and former pollywog had long been linked romantically to frequent costar Miss Piggy. Had he gone from mild-mannered Muppet to amphibian Jon Gosselin?
Not at all, Kermit insists. He fesses up about his date with Lady Gaga (who called him, not vice versa) and his relationship with a certain pig, dispenses advice to Kanye West and hints at why you haven't seen him and Fozzie Bear out on the town together, in this special Q & A with PEOPLE.com.

PEOPLE: So how'd this date with Lady Gaga go down, exactly?

Kermit: Well, I wouldn't really call it a "date" – at least not if I don't want to end up as a coat for Miss Piggy. Y'see, I just gave Lady Gaga a ride to the VMAs, and when Lady Gaga left her credentials in the limo, I had to bring them to her. (On the off-chance security didn’t recognize her. Hey, it could happen.) Of course, after Lady Gaga and I were seen on the red carpet together, well … Miss Piggy got a little jealous. But I definitely did get a ride home – in the trunk!

So let's get down to brass tacks. Does this mean you and Miss Piggy have called it quits?

Miss Piggy and I have not called it quits, and that's because we do not have that kind of relationship. We are colleagues and close friends. Sometimes too close. Waaaay too close. We still work together all the time. In fact, in early December, you can catch us together singing with Andrea Bocelli on the Andrea Bocelli & David Foster: My Christmas, a new holiday special for PBS. Piggy was jealous I was going to sing with Andrea ... until she found out Andrea is a guy. And a handsome guy at that. Then, I got jealous!

How'd you and Lady Gaga get on away from the cameras? Is she a good kisser?

Lady Gaga is a wonderful person. In private, she is very down to earth … which is where I spend most of my time. As far as kissing Lady Gaga goes: she is a very good kisser, but it was not a romantic kiss. It was a kiss for good luck. Kissing a frog is good luck for the person giving the kiss – but bad luck for the frog if his pig finds out.

Your average guy would probably be creeped out by a woman who'd just been photographed wearing a dress made out of, well, him (or close relatives). Yet you didn't seem to have an issue with that Kermit dress she wore in Germany in July. What are your feelings about that outfit of hers?

Actually, no actual amphibians were harmed in the making of that frog coat. In fact, after she checked the coat, she gave those frogs the rest of the night off. As for what she was wearing to the VMAs – I was just happy it wasn't made from anyone I recognized.

If Lady Gaga hadn't asked you to the VMAs, who would you have liked to have gone with?

Taylor Swift. After years of working with Miss Piggy, I've gotten really good at not letting anyone else grab the mic.

Did you confront Kanye West after the Taylor Swift incident?

I didn't see Kanye after the incident, but I would have told him to do what he's been doing: apologize. It's not that easy being wrong, but if you own up to your mistake, you'll almost always be forgiven. There are exceptions, but I won’t mention her by name.

Are you and Lady Gaga going to be seeing each other again?

We don’t have anything planned, but I'm sure Lady Gaga and I will run into each other again soon. That is, unless Miss Piggy gets that restraining order against her.

Coincidentally enough, Lady Gaga was photographed wearing a black Marc Jacobs dress in September that Miss Piggy had been photographed wearing in August. Who do you think wore it better?

I have to say Miss Piggy. That isn't necessarily my answer, but since she's standing over my shoulder, it's what I have to say.

We haven't seen you hanging out with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo or the rest of the gang in a while. Should people be concerned that there's been a falling out? Will we see the Muppets ride again soon?

We're together all the time and we've been very busy. You know how Hollywood is: It takes forever to get projects off the ground – especially when you’re working with frogs, pigs and bears. Anyway, our Emmy-nominated special A Muppet Christmas: Letters To Santa will be out on DVD on Sept. 29, and it will air on NBC on Dec. 15. And I'll be singing "I Believe" in this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with Tiffany Thornton from Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. And, as for 2010: it's going to be even busier … at least it will be if Miss Piggy ever lets me out of the trunk.

Random Thought #3

"I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?"

-taken from a forward

Nice

As of late, things have been nice and smooth. Nice and freeing. But - as my sixth grade teacher once asked of us... why kind of compliment is nice? Really - what does "nice" mean. Apparently she disliked the use of the word "nice". She is still one of my favorite teachers, regardless of her view of the word "nice". According to dictionary.com it is an adjective and it has enough definitions to reach the double digits and just a little bit beyond. Including two idioms, which, apparently is how I used it here... nice and...

So I am going to zero in a bit and tell you what has been so "nice".

1) I met a dude I really like. As my sly friend commented, in question form but I'll change it into a definitive statement rather than keep the question open... yes, what you see is what you get. And I like what I'm getting thus far. My beloved noted that this is the first guy I've ever spoken of that didn't have a "but..." or a "there is this one thing...". He's right. I haven't found anything that I don't like yet. This is not normal for me folks. Well, at least not when it comes to a guy who is not a jerk.

2) I cancelled my subscription to meetup.com. I already gave up being the organizer of the larger group and the secondary group will finish out it's remaining few activities and then it will probably be no more. Honestly, I am thrilled. I just couldn't take the awkwardness of it all anymore. I've made a few kickass friends and a few decent acquaintances. But, overall... without a doubt... I've met more people that I don't want to spend time with than I do want to spend time with. So, my question would be... why would I keep setting things up in order to spend time with them? It makes no sense.

3) Something to be disclosed later.

4) I've got my goals in order for the first time in my life. I know what I want to go for and I hope I know where I'm going.

A)The 100 mile bike ride I'm trying to train for. I can only go a few miles so far. Still have a long way to go.

B)My first book. The original shit draft (I'm calling it that in homage to a quote attributed to Hemingway) is finished. First revision has begun.

C) I plan to start back to school in January. Spanish II - here I come

D) My leisure activities are falling into order - I'm doing what I enjoy most with the time I've been given. Working on the relationships I already have instead of constantly starting new ones. Rolling more with what other people want to do as well as what I want to do. Cooking and baking. Enjoying more movies. Reading - The Book of J - having a hard time getting into it though so I don't see this goal being checked off tomorrow or anything.

Seriously, I know I'm missing one or two things here but I promised myself on my way home yesterday that I'd get all of this stuff written down. And it's really nice to be able to look at, I have to say.

Devotional From ExploreFaith.org

By Renee Miller

Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins.—1 Peter 4:8

Like a perfectly tailored tuxedo or a silk gown that drapes over the body like flowing water, love conceals the imperfections that are part of our humanity.

The reason we are so aware of imperfections in ourselves and others is because we perceive the garment of love as a short cape, rather than as a complete covering. In the enclosure of love, there is an understanding of the weakness of human nature, and a willingness to give a wider berth to that human nature.

It might seem that love simply hides the unsightly, keeping it from being a nuisance and eyesore. We may wonder if it is anything other than a mere “feel-good” kind of application that does nothing at all for the underlying truth of sin. Yet love is so powerful that it not only covers and contains imperfections, it creates the space for them to be transformed.

This is the power of love. When we miss the mark, we feel the struggle of conscience that usually has guilt nipping at its heels. But, if in spite of our mistakes, we allow love to wrap around us, we begin to become what love expects of us.

Only in love are our failures and mishaps redeemed, the imperfections smoothed away and our lives recovered from the inside out. And like a cloak whose warmth comforts each person wrapped within its folds, love shared one with another has gifts enough for all.

Two Instead of Twenty

And I quote "sometimes people just rip your heart and piss on your feelings". End quote. I should not have responded to begin with but this guy makes me a bit nervous for reasons I will not go into right now. Suffice it to say, I've got a heart for those who appear a little less than stable. But I will not doubt myself anymore, it seems. Am I strong enough to simply allow him to have ill feelings toward me? Yup. That is his problem, not mine. Am I strong enough to still try not to sling shit back in his direction? Sure. Sometimes we all need mercy. Did I apologize? Yes. Last week. I will not apologize again. If he didn't hear it the first time, he's not going to hear it the second or third.

Meanwhile... I'm stuck thinking about how the moral thing, the right thing to do here is what occurred. As soon as I realized it was not going to happen without me going against my better judgment, I stopped it. (Or tried to.) Do you really want to date someone who's with you out of guilt? Or someone who doesn't share your feelings? It has got to be right from the beginning for me. I don't want to stick around anymore to discover that you can't force the real thing.

I did the loving thing, even if he doesn't see it. Simple as that. As someone who waited for two years for a guy to do the right thing (which never came to pass - up to and including yesterday), I will not treat anyone else as though they don't matter, only what I want matters. This is not brain surgery. It is easier to handle being rejected or rejecting after two dates instead of twenty. Much easier.

Random Thought #2

"I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option."

-taken from a forward

Starting To Get Creepy

Ladies and gentlemen... may I have your attention please?

If you go on two dates with someone and they don't want to see you again... you did not have a relationship that involves any kind of emotions that should lead to an "I miss you" text several days later.

If you are not able to move on after two dates, you are desperate. Desperate is not attractive. It's especially not attractive when the person has already let you know they are not interested... after two dates.

Just sayin'...

All Choked Up

As of late, I've been finding myself choked up much more often... for various reasons. A couple stray tears coming down my face from time to time. I am not talking about bawling here... just identifying a pain and empathising appropriately. I think it's appropriate at least.

Biff and I watched two movies last night. Sunshine Cleaning and An American Crime. Both were pretty heavy but the one about the sisters cleaning up after dead people was the lighter of the two. Hard to believe it would be... but I even flipped on American Beauty for a few minutes to feel a little less blah after the second of the two. And that is not a particularly light movie either.

There were things in both of the movies that got to me. Happy and sad. Well, actually, there was no happy in An American Crime. It was well acted and hard to believe it was a true story. But - it was. I'm not going to go prying into the details of why either of them struck me with such a ferocious bite. No, I was never held captive in a basement and/or burned with cigarettes on purpose but there was a similarity that just struck me to the core.

Not that I'm depressed today. Just tired and taking a half day and relieved for that. I've got a doctor's appointment to check back up on my kidneys this afternoon and then I'm heading back home to take a nice, long, well deserved nap. Ahh...

Work On You

Most people say to just not answer them... to just cut them off without giving them answers. But - sometimes it's just not the right thing to do. Letting someone down easy is never (at least for me) all that easy. I have found that often enough, it sends me into a tiny little spiral. But guilt is no reason to keep dating someone, right? If anything, it is a very, very wrong reason to keep seeing someone.

I'm not going to post his business but I will say this... when someone asks you what they did wrong and the response you get is: "work on you and then pursue a relationship". Please don't ask them again a day or two later as if they had never answered.

I feel bad but I'm not ready for heavy... I just want to lift something light for a while.

M.I.T of the Day

-Brian Kim

If you live passively, you are automatically, by default, going to live reactively.

And that's not an ideal way to live because you will always feel out of control.

You will always feel like circumstances shape you and your life.

Get back the feeling of control.

Put your hands back on the steering wheel.

And put your foot down on the accelerator.

Random Thought #1

Not much time to write today. Busy, busy, busy. However, I will leave you with a funny quote from an email I received from Spice containing funny random thoughts.

Consider this a new series for me for a while. Here and there. Most good humor contains a huge nugget of truth.

"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong." - taken from a forward

Hee hee hee.

TMI

We walked, we talked, we shared a little more about ourselves. I did pry a bit but I feel like I had to. He said it best "what's your business is yours, what's mine is mine". He's right. Still, he gave me the answers I was looking for. He mistook it for jealousy, I corrected him quickly. Where my friends are involved, I have to be careful. I would like to know the truth so I know what I'm getting into here.

But, here's my question... how little do you tell, how much do you tell? How do you know when to stop and how do you know when to keep going? When does it become hiding and when does it become holding back? Should you have to keep holding back from the dude or chick you're into out of respect? I guess the obvious answer there is "yes". Still - I can't help but think that if you're really going to love and know someone in all their intricacies, all their twists and turns, for all of them... shouldn't you know why they are who they are? Why they are who they are because of what they have and haven't done?

I guess it's probably just easier to take it one day at a time. For some of us with a past that's not all that pretty, it's hard to tell when you've hit the TMI mark.

Staring At Myself

Stop staring at me!
-from a guy's t-shirt in Philly last night

The Texan and I walked around Philly last night looking for grub after going to a happy hour. We had the happy hour at Aki, a nice looking sushi joint in Center City. But - I guess neither of us were in the mood for sushi. I'm personally NEVER in the mood for sushi but I guess he wasn't either.

We circled the block in two different ways and found ourselves at a completely dead bar with a decent enough menu. I have to give it up to their pesto chicken sandwich, I'd like to have it again sometime. Well, besides the second half I'll be enjoying for lunch today.

As we walked back to the speedline station, we crossed paths with the guy who was wearing the "stop staring at me" tee. We couldn't help but laugh because he was doing a little something that made us look at him a little longer than a completely forgettable glance. He was arguing or rapping, sounded like a little of both. He appeared to be argurapping with someone though there was no one with him and he didn't look like he was in the middle of a phone call. I didn't look quite long enough to notice an earpiece but I highly doubt that he had one.

I wondered aloud, do people who stand out this much walk around the suburbs as well? I can't say that I've noticed them but maybe it's just that they're more spaced out so I don't recall. The Texan affirmed that most likely, yes, they do. Then I wondered, silently, if I've ever been that person. It scares me sometimes. I've been kind of crazy at times, mostly past but sometimes present and I don't know if I've ever drawn that kind of laughter due to maybe talking to myself that we broke into last night.

A little while back I used to volunteer at a soup kitchen. It was sad and hard and it had an odor that just smelled of stagnant life. No, I don't mean the smelly folks who crowded in to get a warm meal. I mean there was a sickness there, a different kind of life than most of us in modern day America live. It was as though many of the people there were stuck in the days of paupers and princes. Often times I would go out to dinner afterwards and it always made me more grateful to be able to afford Friday's. Still - I stopped going because it hit too close to home. I got too upset, especially once I acknowledged my disorder. Because I began to realize how close I really was to ending up in a situation like that. Only one paycheck away, if it hadn't been for my parents, and my brother, along with sister in friend, I could have fell off the map and through the cracks.

Yes, the Texan and I chuckled, mostly because of the irony. Though part of me wonders how blessed I've really been in ways I'm not even fully aware of.