Espresso Liqueur

I am tired. I went to bed too late last night. And then my pooch woke me up at 3:30 in the morning to go potty. Then I snacked a bit and went back to bed. All of this made me a half hour late this morning. And being kind of buzzed before going to bed didn't really help either.

Yesterday was a good day, though. So, being tired is kind of worth it in my eyes. I took a half day from work in order to go to therapy and then had planned on going to class. However !No Hay Clase! as the syllabus says. Woo-hoo! (I've been saying "woo-hoo" alot lately... but I guess that's a good thing. After therapy I went to the bank. And I started my savings account specifically for moving out. I am so excited about this. I have alot of work to do to be ready but I'm up for it. It's going to take me some time to save up for it but I'll just keep tossing as much money in there as I can.

After that I worked out and took care of some stuff around the house. The work out felt great and I plan to get on top of that again today. I want to go buy a bike. I think that'll be kickass. I'm using my parents' treadmill right now and my workout videos and DVDs. Cancelled my gym membership but it could take up to a month and a half to go through so I think I will probably still go there on occasion. When I can. Maybe tomorrow... maybe Sunday. Depending on the weather and if I decide to go get a bike or not.

After all that, I spoke briefly to my ill friend. It was the first time he has sounded down (besides the day of diagnosis). I wish I could just do more than let him know I care. However, it seems that's all I have available to me.

Then it was off to dinner at Monk's Cafe. http://www.monkscafe.com/. I shall probably plan a meetup there. I like it alot and the food was good. My bud came and met up with me and my new Iranian friend. It was a good time.

And, last, but certainly not least, is the time I then spent with the cutest guy ever. We talked for a while, shared some of his espresso flavored liqueur, and then went back to his place. Weird moment. All three of his roommates came out onto his porch while we were sitting on my parents' porch. We both got quiet and then I thought of an excuse to have him go out back with me. So, we did. When we got inside the house, on the way to the back I told him the truth. That his roommates being outside made me feel uncomfortable. He said it did the same thing to him. I didn't ask at the time but I wonder why it made him uncomfy. I doubt I'll remember to ask later.

Spontaneous Anger

I'm all jumpy. And it's bugging me. I'm jumpy in a pissed off kind of way. I'm pretty sure it's PMS. I keep getting really pissed off, really quickly, like a snap inside me. I'm going to have a cigarette this morning. I think it might help to take the edge off.

Ok. I had a smoke. And now I'm realizing that one of the things I was aggravated about isn't such a problem. A friend of mine cancelled plans for Saturday during the day. The only problem I have with it is the way she went about it. We made the plans and instead of letting me know she had to cancel, she waited until I asked if we were still on. I don't think this is the right way to handle things. I would have appreciated being told beforehand.

So... I have a few options here. I could stay angry (which I won't because that's not me) or I could swear off ever making plans with her again. (I won't do this either. I'd like to say I will but I do enjoy her company.) I guess I'll probably just handle it by going and painting pottery either by myself or with other people. Those are the plans that got cancelled.

However, now I have Saturday during the day open. I could ask my friends to go to the movies. Sex and the City does await... or I could ask my bud to go to lunch at the diner. If neither of these options work, I can do other things. Sometimes I need these open times... my schedule stays pretty jam packed after all. And when someone cancels, I suddenly find myself with hours that are not full. And this can be a much needed break on occasion. A break left open for some spontaneity. Which, I believe, can be very good for the soul. Yet, I do get upset about plans getting cancelled... usually... because I look forward to them. I geniunely do.

Funny, I got angry instantly twice this morning. Spontaneously. That's not the kind of spontaneity I want but it's the kind I get more often. Could be three things... those moments of extreme anger that I can feel shooting through me. 1) PMS (which is what I think it is this time) 2) Lack of smoking 3) My disorder acting up. Be extremely irritable is actually a sign of the manic side showing it's ugly head.

This Mentality

I shall not stress. I refuse to stress about my Spanish class. Or... espanol de clase. And it feels good. Very good. Muy bien. Actually, this mentality is currently spilling into all areas of my life and I like it.

What's the mentality? I do what I can do and if I can't get to it - oh well. I'm tired of feeling worn out and I believe the only way to combat it is by just doing what I can do. No more, no less. And it's still alot but it's not so bad when I remind myself "do only what you can do and the rest will fall into place". I think I believe that. And somehow it also goes in line with "making the most of what you have". Which, to me, translates to well... everything but one thing is no waste and if I can't pay for it in cash, I can't pay for it.

All Work Makes Me A Dull Girl

I think I'm working too much right now. And that's all I've got to say about it. Can't wait until next weekend. I will finally have two days off in a row. Actually, just one day off would be nice. I took this schedule on and I do need the money but sometimes this silence gets depressing...

I'm Actually Quite the Crappy Listener, I Think

She was standing there... hurting. And all I could do was tell her that it's ok to hurt sometimes. Because, well, it is. Still doesn't help when it's going on.

She told me the news. She was ok. But, great grandmom... not so much. Understandable. Completely. He was her brother, after all.

I put my arm around the first and called the second later.

He called to tell me he had been on the best date ever. With a really fantastic kisser. Awesome. A little good news goes a long way... sometimes.

His spirits are amazing and I don't think he's faking. He's got a battle on the way. Cancer's a rough one. I just hope I'm doing the right thing there, which is playing it by ear.

They all see me as worthy of contacting or being around when something's going on. And for this I am feeling very blessed. Even if I feel displaced everywhere.

Eres

Goodness, I'm tired right now. I went to bed too late. Stayed up watching a movie with the cutest guy ever. Knocked Up. Pretty good but I won't be making a point of seeing it again.

Yesterday was a dead day in work... and then I went to class... and felt completely out of it. I took my first Spanish quiz. The part I struggled on was "the verb Ser". I couldn't remember the conjugation for tu. (Eres.) So, I know I got at least a few wrong. But, overall, I think I did ok. Also finally got back to the gym yesterday. Sweet. Hadn't been in several weeks. I am eating better these days, smoking much, much less... I want to get active again on top of it.

This is the least exciting blog I have left in quite some time. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow's entry will have some depth.

No More Suffering

I read last night that Buddha taught that enlightenment means "no more suffering". This caught my attention.

Then today I read a devotional that talked about the struggle of life. And how we know we're on the right path for us when the struggle or challenges invigorate instead of wear us down. They may tire us out but they keep us true to ourselves. And being true to our "authentic" self is where we will find our happiness. The quote associated with the devotional:

For this I toil and struggle with all the energy that he powerfully inspires within me...
—Colossians 1:29

Our lives should inspire our soul and who gives the soul the power to live to begin with. The Alpha, the Omega... the center of all energy.

Doesn't most of our suffering come from struggling against what is presented on our path? I know for me... this was the case. I struggled with my disorder, denying it, trying to control it, and finally giving into it and acknowledging that I needed help. And help I got. Wow! The struggle still exists but it's nothing like it was, I'm no longer spinning my wheels. The struggle now is working toward my goals and being the best person I can be. And with each small step I take, I will get there. Each time I walk into a classroom I am one step closer. And I am enjoying the process along the way. I struggled against my relationship of 8 years breaking apart instead of letting a new life birth itself in a natural way... I let the labor pains be prolonged.

Sure, I know I'm going to make other mistakes as well... everyone does but that is part of the beauty of the struggle. As Maria Shriver said "I think that that's one of the things that I learned from [my mother] was, like, go out. Make a mistake. Have the guts to fail and talk about it. There's nothing wrong with that." I wouldn't know much of what I do now if it hadn't been for many of the mistakes in my past.

Anyway, I think these factors are the road to what the Buddha was talking about. That enlightenment is "no more suffering". And we will no longer suffer (in the spiritual/mental sense) if we learn to basically go with the flow and learn to let our mistakes help guide us instead of knocking us down. Our lives will inspire ourselves and, maybe, you never know... someone else too. I know I'd rather help someone before my time comes... how about you?

This Is Going To Be Intense

"It's going to be intense."

That was how the "fight" between my father and I started. He felt I was being short. I felt I was answering his question. At the moment he asked I was feeling really overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed. I had just walked through the door and wasn't ready to answer any questions yet.

I finished the "fight" which continued briefly later and then we both went to bed without speaking to one another. I left my pop a note so he'd see it in the morning. Looks like he wants to practice my Spanish with me.

But, really, this is going to be super intense. However, I think I'm up for the challenge. And maybe, just maybe I'll start living out one of my quiet dreams. The kind you don't usually announce. To be bilingual. And then maybe one day I'll pick up even more...

Garlic Knot

I think it looks like a garlic knot. Or maybe I'm just hungry. When my spiritual director asked me last night what "it" looks like, that was my response.

We were looking into my feelings. How does that residual feeling look? You know... the feeling you received from both the dude on Friday and that guy from last summer. While the situations weren't the same (not by a long shot) there was one major similarity that seemed to affect me on a deep level. Watching someone's personality change so drastically and so quickly... well... that was enough to hit me funny. And it caused a feeling. Like an "I've been here before... with someone else" kind of feeling. My spiritual director asked me what that feeling looked like. I told her the garlic knot comment. Luckily, she laughed when I said the part about being hungry.

We worked on resolving this issue. Somehow I have to put last summer behind me. I need to stop confessing it. I need to stop feeling guilty and confused. Usually I don't think about it too much but I have been thinking about it since Friday. Because there was an air that I recognized in this guy. An air that was just like last July.

However... I did resolve some issues around it last night. 1) The reason I feel guilty is actually the fact that I did not like talking about it. I didn't want to make him seem like "evil" man. Though what happened that night did lead to alot of misery for me. 2) If it had not been for that night I would not yet be medicated. Woo-hoo! Silver lining! 3) This time, when things got weird I listened to myself. I recognized it and I acted on it. I said no to what I wanted to say no to and I did what needed to be done to get out of the situation. Complete honesty with myself, no making excuses for someone else's behavior. 4) Thank God I found out on the first night instead of two months down the road... or before something really bad happened.

Ultimately, my garlic knot disappeared. Or maybe it was eaten.

After Working 24 Hours of 32

Last night I smoked 3/4 a pack of cigarettes. Yeah... yay me. I guess what happened on Friday night, and then working so much over the weekend and not getting enough sleep kind of did me in. However, it did feel wonderful to not have any plans last night and to just be able to do as I pleased. No pressure coming from any direction.

Can't say I have much more to say. I keep telling the story of Friday night. I really believe I'm just trying to work it out in my head. And I did hear from him today. He wanted to know what I'm thinking. I told him (basically) friends, yes. More than friends, no. And he also said he has no emotional or psych issues. For some reason, I don't believe him... hmm...

Earthquakes, Great and Small

My God.

So far the number is up to 32,000 people. It's been days since the earthquake but I'm just reading about it now. Looking at the photos on CNN.com. 32,000 people. These are the things that will happen in a lifetime that we cannot control. In China, it's this... in Myanmar, it's a cyclone. Here in the states, last weekend was one crazy fit of tornadoes. Though that doesn't even compare to what is going on overseas.

Again, these are the things we cannot control.

So... the question I pose is simple. Or the statement, which can lead to questions. There are many, many heartbreaks that will occur in a lifetime. We will lose people and bad things will happen. We will suffer from illnesses we did nothing to cause. Genetics are what they are. These are the things worth worrying about. The other stuff, the small stuff, we should not sweat but we do. Why? Why do we bother to stress out about what people who don't matter to us think? Why do we worry needlessly that someone's going to get over on us and betray us? That someone, somewhere, sometime will hurt us. What have we done to ourselves to feel that these things are of primary importances. Yes, betrayal hurts. Yes, relationships end. Yes, intimacy and trust lacks. Generally, people are not out to get us. However, if we're looking for it - I do believe it will find us. We'll draw to us those experiences which will hurt. I don't know, it's very confusing. But, I would rather not stress about the next time someone will do me wrong. Especially when we can't control the weather. Why not wait and save your tears for the major events and let the little ones go? The little ones harbor resentment and fear. Resentment erodes the beauty of the soul and bad things come of it.

I know because I'm only human too.

"It is as hard for the good to suspect evil, as it is for the evil to suspect good." -Marcus Tullius Cicero-

MPD?

I did not get enough sleep last night. But, I'll be ok.

The last few days have been kind of rough. I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me though I think it's many, many things.

Man... I wish I had gotten more sleep last night.

I sat in my therapist's office yesterday bitching and complaining and whining. And crying. Life has just gotten to me at this point. I'm sick of all the disappointments. Feel like I haven't had a good thing happen in quite a while. And when I say that... I mean it. Last night I thought something good was happening but then it turned bizarre. Very bizarre. Like latch onto my arm and then tell me you love me... when we just met tonight... and I had to kiss him to get him out of my car weird. And then he'll call three times while I'm on my way home. The way his body language changed and... (I just received a text from him)... the way his eyes changed into a wandering child's eyes... starving... hoping for someone to notice their pain. Oh goodness... I wonder why it got so bizarre. What can I possibly learn from this? Yeah... I still think it's time for me to just stop dating altogether and focus on me.

But then... the cutest guy ever calls again and I react like a zombie because I've already taken my meds. And I'm strangely thankful for him. Especially after the other guy behaved the way he did. While the cutest guy ever may not treat me all that well... at least he doesn't seem to have multiple personalities.

No Chemistry

So, lately I've been struggling. My self esteem seems to be getting absolutely crushed. I took myself off of the dating website I signed up for. Two reasons. One, people just didn't seem interested. And two, I don't want to spend the money. I am curious what's wrong with me and why no one really wants to date me. But, I guess I just have to accept that for some reason the dating world has to remain foreign to me for the time being. I do have alot more on my plate these days. Especially with school and the possibility that I may pick up a part time job. I need to move out of my parents' house. I really wish I wasn't feeling so crappy about myself but I guess enough rejection will do that to you. Oh well. I'm giving up on dating for a while and focusing back on myself again.

Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

Meet Molly. She's a gray speckled pony who was abandoned by her owners when Katrina hit southern Louisiana, USA . She spent weeks on her own before finally being rescued and taken to a farm where abandoned animals were stockpiled. While there, she was attacked by a pit bull terrier, and almost died. Her gnawed right front leg became infected and her vet went to LSU for help. But LSU was overwhelmed, and this pony was a welfare case. You know how that goes.But after surgeon Rustin Moore met Molly, he changed his mind. He saw how the pony was careful to lie down on different sides so she didn't seem to get sores, and how she allowed people to handle her. She protected her injured leg. She constantly shifted her weight, and didn't overload her good leg. She was a smart pony with a serious survival ethic.Moore agreed to remove her leg below the knee and a temporary artificial limb was built. Molly walked out of the clinic and her story really begins there.'This was the right horse and the right owner,' Moore insists. Molly happened to be a one-in-a-million patient. She's tough as nails, but sweet, and she was willing to cope with pain. She made it obvious she understood (that) she was in trouble. The other important factor, according to Moore , is having a truly committed and compliant owner who is dedicated to providing the daily care required over the lifetime of the horse.Molly's story turns into a parable for life in post-Katrina Louisiana . The little pony gained weight, her mane felt a comb. A human prosthesis designer built her a leg.The prosthetic has given Molly a whole new life, Allison Barca DVM, Molly's regular vet, reports. And she asks for it! She will put her little limb out, and come to you and let you know that she wants you to put it on. Sometimes she wants you to take it off too' And sometimes, Molly gets away from Barca. 'It can be pretty bad when you can't catch a three-legged horse', she laughs.Most important of all, Molly has a job now. Kay, the rescue farm owner, started taking Molly to shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, rehabilitation centers. Anywhere she thought that people needed hope. Wherever Molly went, she showed people her pluck. She inspired people. And she had a good time doing it.'It's obvious to me that Molly had a bigger role to play in life', Moore said, 'She survived the hurricane, she survived a horrible injury, and now she is giving hope to others.''She's not back to normal,' Barca concluded, 'but she's going to be better. To me, she could be a symbol for New Orleans itself.' There is a smiley face on the bottom of her prosthetic, she leaves a smiley face print behind wherever she goes.

(Not sure who wrote this - came in my inbox.)

Waterpick Pain

Oh... how I spent my day yesterday. I did all of the following:

Worked, studied, ate at Jones, got my teeth cleaned (ow! she hit a nerve in the process... felt like my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head), spoke with some people who are very close to me. And sent out some info for those people whom I believe would want to know the news.

Meanwhile, that's it so far. I am actually going to take the advice of my horoscope today. It's rare that I do this. I am not going to look very deeply into my own stuff for the moment, I am going to just let it be. And I am going to simply reach out to those around me.

Yup.

Feeling Kind of Empty

I sat on a friend's couch last night. Rubbing a small mark that I believe was only water. I really hope I didn't stain it. We chatted about what's wrong with me. I love my life but right about now I'm thinking it's empty. I have many, many relationships that are meaningful and many, many meaningful things going on. So... why does it feel this way?

I got the sad news last week about someone very close to me having cancer. He's 29 years old and on Wednesday he gets a body part removed in hopes that the cancer will stop there. He's got a very big place in my heart and I just want to hold him right now. But, I can't. I can, however, make it clear that I do love him. I am no longer in love with him but we spent all those years together, how could I not care? I am on his mom's list of people to call after the surgery and I know he will be ok. Still... it's tense and I hope he's ok even though I know he's not.

Maybe this is what leaves me feeling empty right now. Things around me, for so many people that I care about, are going wrong. Very wrong. And still... I'd like some good news for me. I can't help it. I am human. I hope something starts to go my way soon. And for those around me as well. I care for them all so much and it breaks my heart to see them hurting... I guess it's part of what makes me hurt even more.

Cracking of the Skull

My eyes are feeling a bit heavy at the moment. And I have to get down to studying. I have yesterday and today's work to catch up on. Though I did do some yesterday.

My weekend thus far has been pretty packed and I've actually gotten some stuff done. And the working on quitting smoking is going pretty well. I think.

Friday night I went to my bud's house. We watched part of the Flyers game together and ordered a little food. I have to admit, I chatted mostly and didn't actually get into the game. We did speak of the band wagon peeps we know. I don't want to be one of them this time around. Yes, I have been guilty of it in the past and probably will be in the future as well. We lost that game anyway so... it wouldn't have been the best time for me to go jumping onto any wagons successfully. Afterwards I went to a comedy show and met up with a new friend of mine and her cousin. While standing outside of the place waiting for her I called another friend of mine and bitched about my quitting smoking. I have to admit I've gotten a comment or two from people who were never heavy smokers, usually pretty much just social smokers and they simply don't understand the challenge that quitting presents. Yes, they have quit also but if you weren't a daily smoker or you didn't smoke much, it's not going to be quite as hard to quit. I have been smoking steadily since I was 14. Completely regularly since I was 17. Heavily since I was 18. These comments from people who don't smoke all that much kind of bug me. Please, just let me find my own way. Don't tell me how I should do it, everyone's quitting style is going to be slightly different because everyone is different and because everyone's reason for smoking is also different.

So, I'm standing outside of the comedy club, in a doorway to a restaurant I had once eaten at but it was now shut down. Honestly, the restaurant was not good so I know exactly why it didn't succeed and stay open. Though it did provide me with my first experience with creme brulee so I shall tip my hat to it once. Just once.

There were smokers out front of the building and one of them made their way past me to look at what was going on across the street. Why is that guy laying on the ground? I asked the question out loud to my friend on the phone and at that moment, he was being helped up by two other men. My friend on the phone became panicked. "Don't touch him!" I kind of chuckled because there was no chance that was going to happen anyway. As the man made his way to his feet, the blood on the sidewalk became very clear. And the woman who came over to watch (who turned out to be the headliner for the comedy show... who'd a thunk it?) made a comment about how she had heard his head hit the pavement from where she was standing. He had been thrown out of the building he was laying in front of. Luckily, he was drunk so he probably wasn't feeling the pain so much. However, if he wasn't drunk he probably never would have been thrown out of the place to begin with. Either way, it was strange to see. And I was grateful that those other two men stopped to help him. An ambulance did get there within just a few minutes.

Recently I read somewhere (though I don't remember where) that children today are growing up in a loveless society. Is this true? I think it very well may be. And that's scary, people. I guess I will do all I can to help change that but I don't know that I can do much. Those two men who helped the drunk were loving. They cared about this guy. I have no idea why he was thrown out of the building but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with his alcohol level. And that kind of scares me in and of itself. He was drunk... really drunk... was it because he's hurting about something? (Though it is possible that he was drinking for simply just the fun of it, I recognize this...) And if he is hurting about something, doesn't anyone care enough to talk to him about what's going wrong in his life? Or is this the reason for why things are going wrong? And maybe in some way he did need a massive bump on the head to wake him up. Maybe he was acting like a total asshole inside the establishment. Maybe... no matter what... I am still glad there were two men to help him. At least at that moment someone cared and in some small way someone loved.

Good Riddance

So, I haven't quit smoking. But, I'm on my way there. Looking like it's going to just be one cigarette a day for a while. And after that, I'll slowly back off from that even. My mom is holding onto my smokes for me. And she'll only ration one out to me a day. Still using the nicotine gum a bit during the day. I really hope I can stick to this. I know I can. It's just going to be a test of my willpower.

So much is going on with me these days, I'm thinking I'm going to take myself off chemistry until, at least, I'm done with my two Spanish courses this summer. Those classes aren't going to leave me with much time for anything if you include the other things in my life. You know, work, school, meetup group, my already in existance relationships, and taking care of myself. Don't know where else I'll be able to find the time for dating. I dunno... we'll see.

Time and life are taking me where they want me to go. I'm being directed down my path. Following my dream and living my life is all the direction I need at this point. Even when the hard stuff comes up. Bad news, sad news... disturbing news... sometimes you get that phone call. Other times, it's just that relationships change and things have to follow their own course there as well. I'm still kind of waiting to hear some good news or experience some of the good stuff but for now I'll be patient and celebrate the little victories along the way. Like cutting back on my smoking or smiling because class is almost done. Next week that little challenge will have been met. And then I start the new one. But, that'll be all good...

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

(From Good Riddance by Green Day)

Quitter

I have quit smoking as of today. Last night I had my last few. Smoked my last one while looking at the cutest boy ever. And that made me want to quit even more. Especially since he quit a month ago. And I also found myself being honest with him in a way I don't think I ever have been last night. Started telling him other reasons why I like him. More than just the sex stuff...

Anyway, it's been over 15 hours since my last smoke. I hope I can make it at least one full day.

Making The Most of What You Have

Ugh. I enjoyed myself a bit too much last night, it seems. I'm a bit hungover.

Today is yet another day when I'm not struck by too much of anything.

So... I'll post something I like...

"It is not about having the best of everything. It is about making the best of what you have."

Another one of those quotes that I have no one to attribute it to except the friend who sent it to me.

I have to agree with it. And I could expand on it but I think it says everything it needs to... think about it. And suddenly your life may begin to look really, really full.

Waiting to Hear Back

Ain't got much to say today. Last night I was heart broken... today I feel better.

Looking forward to getting some margaritas for Cinco de Mayo with a couple friends. Invited one other, still waiting to hear back.

Asked the guy from Saturday if he'd like to do dinner next Wednesday night. After he said he'd like to see me again. Waiting to hear back.

I am so glad I'm not in a funk today too. I don't know if the funk will come back later but for now it is what it is.

Got two more guys on Chemistry that I started communicating with. We'll see if anything comes of it.

And if the cutest boy ever contacts me, I finally know what needs to be said.

Time Will Tell

Well, I went on a date this weekend. And a pseudo-date. The pseudo-date was supposed to just be a friend thing but when he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to watch a movie and drink some of his beer... I got the feeling he was looking for something else. So, I walked away from there feeling like I had been on a date with a man I'd like to be friends with still as long as he's ok with just friends too.

The actual date was last night. We went to see Harold and Kumar and then stopped at Friday's for a drink. (Quick side note about the movie: If you enjoy squeezing as many taboos into 2 hours as is possible, go for it. If you're looking for greatness, look elsewhere.) Unfortunately I was very tired, had some stomach troubles, and was thinking about the cutest guy ever quite a bit. Still, I had a nice time and will see him again if he's interested. He was cute and intelligent. His Polish background explains why his name is spelled different but pronounced like an American name. It was neat hearing the story of how his family jumped ship and basically claimed asylum here in the states. He was only a child and doesn't really remember it. And, no, no accent.

The cutest guy ever has gone MIA on me. And I don't know what to think of it. We got closer at the beginning of last week and then he disappeared, aside from some texting on Friday night. However, I fell asleep before I could see him. Which stinks because I feel the need to tell him how I feel. But, it has occured to me, maybe it's not meant for me to tell him. Maybe that's why things are happening as they are. Maybe time will tell what will become of us and right now I feel forced into just moving on.

My decision is to date around very casually. Not sleep around casually but date around. It could be fun if I could get him out of my head. Maybe I'll feel better after my period, I really hope so.

What's In Your Heart?

Your Heart is your Love, Your love is your Family, Your family is your Future , Your future is your Destiny , Your destiny is your Ambition, Your ambition is your Aspiration , Your aspiration is your Motivation , Your motivation is your Belief , Your belief is your Peace , Your peace is your Target , Your target is Heaven.

- from a random forward

I love meeting new people. Not just to meet boys but really... just to meet people. I want to get to know as many people as I can. Learn as much as I can in the short time I'm here.


So - your heart is your love. My heart is big and open... I kind of wish everyone else's was too.

Your love is your family. Your family encompasses everyone you choose to have around you. Whether you were born into it or you choose your family in the form of friends. Or if you're blessed enough, you have both.

Your family is your future. What do you have if you don't have anyone you care about? Not much.

Your future is your destiny. Uh... this one is kind of obvious, no extra thoughts to add.

Your destiny is your ambition. You should want to get to see your future.

Your ambition is your aspiration. Uh... another one that's self explanatory.

Your aspiration is your motivation. Working toward goals is crazy important. Having goals and following dreams is what makes a life. Make sure that you enjoy the process of having the motivation to work toward something. It's not just the end goal or you'll miss out on your life because you were too busy looking ahead.

Your motivation is your belief. If you're motivated to do it, it's important to you and will show what your core values are. My core value is my relationships... everything else comes second.

Your belief is your peace. You know what your gut is saying is the truth when it's not causing you turmoil, when you just get that feeling of "yeah... that's the truth". And that's not just a basic feeling. That is what peace that surpasses all understanding is. You know it when it happens but those moments are usually fleeting.

Your peace is your target. World peace is not a silly goal. But, peace begins within. People who are not at peace will not be able to bring peace into the world.

Your target is heaven. Living the good life is something we all want. What comes after... who knows but if you've lived a good life here, it makes sense that your soul (assuming you believe in such things) would go onto the good, peaceful life in the hereafter.

Evenly Yoked

I start texting friends sometimes, usually in my downtime... just to see what they're up to. See if they want to grab a bite to eat or something. Yesterday when I asked "whatcha up to?" to one of them, I got a text back: Crying. So I called her up immediately. Her pastor needs to speak to her about why she's dating a man with whom she is not "evenly yoked". Oh boy. Here we go.

Evenly yoked... 2 Corinthians 6:14. 14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

Since when does a pastor who doesn't even know one of the two know when someone is or is not evenly yoked? Who's business is this really besides the couple and God? Do they truly love one another? Isn't love essentially the greatest commandment anyway? Let's keep several things in mind here... this letter to the people at Corinth as well as the people in Achaia was written by Paul, it seems he also speaks for Timothy on occasion as well. And while he left behind much wisdom, this letter is written from his viewpoint. And Paul was a man. Not God. This was part of his experience and the truth is... were any of us in Corinth or Achaia to know exactly what he was addressing here? Some of what you find in the Bible does not pertain to the world we now live in and was meant for a different time and a much different way of life. Not that there is not truth in this statement. What fellowship can light have with darkness? It can't. You are either moving toward life giving or life destroying at most moments. Or you sit in a stillness... afraid to move anywhere at all. Because that means change. Life is tough but once one learns to love themselves, they will no longer want to associate with people who bring them down to a lower level. People who are not "good for them" will fall by the wayside. Ex drug addicts don't usually hang out with current ones. (That's an example of my point.) Though helping others who've lost their way for those who have found it is something I believe all of us are meant to do. And the question of what do believers and non-believers have in common? We are all people on this Earth and we all are God's children. In my viewpoint, whether you are a believer or not, we all deserve to be treated equally. Christ was known for eating and socializing with the people that society deemed undesirable. Why? Because they were still people in need of love. That is what believers and non-believers have in common. We all need love. And as St. Francis of Assisi said... "Preach the gospel and, if necessary, use words." Somehow, though, I think there are things we're missing here. It is never good to take one Bible verse without taking in the context of which the rest of the chapter was written. Or looking for the reason it was written in the first place. But... if you don't intermingle... what does that say about your faith, don't you want others who aren't exactly like you to know it exists? However, this was a new church, in that time in order to keep the church going and growing it may have been necessary for a little segregation. But... eventually we are to walk out into the world and live. With the way we have evolved in the last 2000 years, so has our understanding of God. Or... at least... it should have. He's much bigger than just a book. And He is simply not contained in one man's letters to anyone.