The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Called out of work yesterday. Had to take one of my sleeping days. It seems that after about a month or so I need a day to sleep. Just get caught up. So, that's what I did.

However, on Wednesday night I may have drank just a bit too much as well. Got together with some of my girls. These girls are a very special group to me. I am very close to one of my buds so I go to her grandmom's house a few times a year for birthday dinners. Wednesday night I did this. The cool part is that the girls who gather there are usually the same girls each time. Actually, they're not girls... they're women. It's a neat kind of bond we share. I believe we're all very comfortable with each other and we simply have a good time. There have been tense moments in the past and there was a quick one but it was quickly explained to me what was meant by the repeated comments. Easily done and over with.

The only thing that bugs me is the man trashing that goes on. I had to stand up for the entire male population at one point. "There are good ones out there, I know this because I know some of them." I love men... even though there are some not so great ones out there... there are very good ones as well. I kind of think the view of them being "like all men" may be one of the reasons certain women find themselves single longer than others. Grouping them all together simply isn't fair. Judging a book by it's cover, we know the saying and isn't labeling one entire sex one of the worst forms of this? There are good ones and there are bad ones, just as in all of life, in every circumstance and way.

Sleeping With the Light On

I'm tired today. Didn't get the kind of sleep I need. Time-wise, I did fine. Got to bed on time. But... I fell asleep with the light on and that's not usually too good.

Pretty sure I bombed my biology test last night... dang-it! Guess I'm just going to have to study a bit more often prior to cramming all the info into my brain just a couple days before.

Had a strange moment yesterday. I got into a confrontation with a cocky new co-worker. Said everything I thought because no one else was doing it and for some reason it just built up to a pinnacle yesterday for me. And then HE CRIED. I don't feel bad about it. I hope he was being geniune when he said I helped him. I guess telling him to get out from under daddy's thumb somehow hit him hard. Time will tell, though I may never see it, if I really did help push him to a new way of thinking or if it did nothing.

Only problem with the situation is that I found out this morning that he's an actor. Which is all fine and dandy but I guess it shouldn't matter. I either helped him or I didn't. And if he was faking the tears, that's on him. It was therapeutic for me too. I spoke my mind without faltering. And the only thing I can do is take it for what it was. A grown man crying over what I know is real pain for some people. Living one's life for their parents can be really dangerous. It's good to make them proud but you shouldn't have to live by their standards and orders into adulthood. In my opinion, they should do their job and then let you go. Not tell you how to live your life or put pressure on you to do as they please. Living your life for yourself is so important, finding your own way. Not that help is bad but too much help can just simply be not good.

Over A Fajita Wrap

Nick's Hometown Diner. That's where I went to dinner last night with my friend. We go to dinner once a month, used to work together in my old department. This gives us a chance to keep up with one another.

We enjoyed our meal though it wasn't good enough to make us go back again. We sat and chatted generally covering our usual topics. Christianity almost always makes the list in some way, shape, or form. It did last night as well. We spoke about taking the Bible literally or taking it non-literal. I opt for non-literal in many respects. So does she. The heart of Christianity, in my opinion, is not found in a book but rather in the "fruits of the spirit".

After we got done talking and it was time to go, we got up. On our way to the front, a man who sat just a little over to my left stopped us. He had made an observation. He said it was nice to see she and I just talking and enjoying each other's company. Said it seemed like we really did. And we do. He was right.

I guess the thing that dawned on me after that was "why did he say that? What struck him?". And then it occured to me. She and I are polar opposites, if you look at us. Very different. Not only does she have a son that's older than me, our races are different and we just don't necessarily look like two people you'd normally see out to dinner together. This had simply never phased me before.

And there you have it... the heart of Christianity. In my opinion. The differences are small because the friendship is strong. And the friendship is strong because we both get it and know how to look past what the world sees. We see each other and that's it.

Begin Again

This blog is called "Tripping Down the Path" for one reason. My mantra is "Walk Your Path". But, I know that even while walking my own path... I will stumble and fall (upon a carousel... thanks, Tori).

The last few days, up until yesterday, I found myself tripping up all over the place. Drank too much one night or it may have been WHAT I drank... my stomach was a mess through the entire next day. Couldn't even make it out with my friends the following night, which sucked. Went to bed too late a few nights in a row (which I can't do because my meds require a good 7 or 8 hours due to their sedative properties). And then I ate like crap and did not exercise. I should have studied more but I spent 4 hours with my books last night and I think tonight will be another 2 or 3.

But, I'm human and today I begin again. I didn't do my entire 15 minute morning workout this morning but I did do a couple exercises from it. When my alarm went off I did not allow myself to go back to sleep. That felt good on it's own, just a bit of progress. Maybe tomorrow I'll do the whole workout.

Over the weekend I did master one thing that makes me feel so much better. I taught myself how to do my own hair. So that it doesn't look like I'm wishing to becoming Jon Bon Jovi's girlfriend back in 1986. My hair has the ability to be huge... now I'm using a diffuser. And I love it. It's much smaller. I had to ask a friend yesterday if it was too flat. That was a strange feeling. Guess I'm just going to have to get used to it. And that makes me smile.

Next on the list... learning how to straighten it.

In The Middle

Ugh. My stomach is kind of upset today. Just ain't feeling right. There's a variety of reasons for this, I think. Beat it up yesterday. Junk food, wine, Captain Morgan on an empty stomach. I'm paying for it.

And I'm feeling a tremendous sense of "oh jeez... I made a mistake". Forgiving myself is always so difficult but I'll have to. Found out the other side of the story last night to the "I have to do what's best for me" problem. Oops. Sounds like a breakdown in communication to me. And it sounds like someone who is terribly unhappy (understandably so) is possibly lashing out at someone who is happy at the moment. I'm not going to continue trying to dissect the problem. It's not worth it. But I am going to make a small attempt at making peace in the situation. Maybe get the ball rolling on getting a friendship that's been damaged by life back together.

I know there's always two sides to every story... and then there's what really happened. I need to just keep my emotions in check from now on and not get angry until I know both sides... if even then.

I cannot wait to take a nap when I get home today. I can't sleep comfortably in my work chair.

Therapy Has Been My Missile

Not last night... the night before... our government shot down a dead satellite with the potential to poison people, if it had come crashing down to Earth. Good job, I say. Kudos! There was no warhead in the missile, just needed to dink the satellite, the fuel would provide all the explosive it needed. I don't know what the satellite was intended for originally but they say it had a malfunction immediately and basically became deadly space junk. This piece of metal with dangerous gas floating around inside, lurking up in the sky... waiting to fall back to us, releasing this fuel over a span of about two football fields. The problem really comes... where would it have landed? Who would this have affected if proper precaution (amazing too if you know how awesome this technology is) had not been taken?

We're all born into this world the same way this satellite was shot out into space. And then soon after our birth something goes wrong. Something always goes wrong. Mostly because we are born to parents. God love them, thank God for them, I love my parents... this is not a complaint about my parental unit. This is just an observation. Our parents are just people too. And as such, they're imperfect and not going to be perfect parents. Hence, something goes wrong.

My parents are wonderful. They've come a long way. My mom and I have grown pretty close. My dad and I have formed a full circle relationship as well. I'm grateful for the fact that I got to move home. (Not that I want to stay there forever.) But I am grateful for this second chance to cultivate a relationship with them both. And to see them as they are. As people.

Unfortunately, while my parents did a wonderful job with me, they were crazy strict with me and were not huge (mostly due to unawareness of the importance of) on building up my self confidence. I was taught to obey them (which is good) but I wasn't taught to speak my mind. I should have been taught to speak my mind, in order to become a person with convictions about the world and the way I experience it. I've been walking in a fog for a very long time. I had, until recently, gotten to a point where I looked at everyone else and thought they had it all. And couldn't understand why I didn't. I didn't have it all for many, many reasons and my parents are not to blame except in the most minute way. But we all start somewhere on our downward spiral. The only beauty to a downward spiral is when you start spiraling back up. And my parents are certainely helping me with this now. And therapy has been nothing but a positive experience.

I'm awake again... or maybe this is for the first time. Last night I saw something. I saw that beautiful girl in my class become alot less beautiful. She shot me a dirty look, a really awful kind of "I know you're sleeping with my boyfriend" kind of look. Not that I've ever actually experienced that look but I can imagine that's how it would look. And in that brief moment, I was taken a bit aback and then I brushed it off. I did not see this as a reflection on me. I did nothing to deserve such a look, I simply was myself. I joined the lab group she usually works with, as I have several times before, and this time someone else came with me. I don't know if she was pissed because her usual seat was gone or if she was pissed because she wasn't the center of attention or what it was but she gave me the look. In times past I would have been worried about it. I would have possibly obsessed but I didn't this time. I just noticed it, mentioned it once or twice and then let it go. I would have polluted other people's worlds with negativity. There was plenty of space at the table for sharing and everyone but her was doing the work. Maybe she didn't like that I didn't understand what was going on so I needed to get the answers from someone else... I have no idea what it was... sorry I didn't get it. I just know that it felt good to no longer care and to realize I was doing nothing wrong. And for the first time, it's ok if someone doesn't like me.

It's so awesome to know that one way or another, through the pain and the hard stuff and all of that... something did come along to save me so that my fuel wouldn't keep leaking out all over the place too. I can't imagine how some people go through their lives without confronting their demons. Or they wait until it's way late to finally come to terms with things. And there's no other way to say it... that sucks. Confronting ourselves is tough but it's worth it. I don't want to look back when I'm 60 years old and wonder what I did with this gift of life. And I definitley don't want to go around poisoning those around me when I could have avoided it by simply being willing to have something dink me into place.

AHA!

People can and sometimes will disappoint. This is a fact of life. Life doesn't disappoint so much, just the people in it. Which is what most of life is. Our relationship to ourselves and to others. Yesterday I was told a tale of how one friend is simply choosing to not come through for another. The friend who hoped she would come through is living her own personal hell right now... and she needs support. We all do sometimes. I've needed others to hold me up at times, to provide me with a little love and caring and attentiveness. Sometimes I got it and sometimes I didn't. I tried never to lean on any one person too much. I hope I didn't. It's not good to bog anyone else down with your problems. The persons who are going to pick you up are not people that you've brought down. That doesn't work. But a little bit at a time, we should all give if we truly love those we take on as friends. Friends are supposed to be our family of choice.

Hearing words like "I have to do what's best for me...", while true, can be misused. Doing what is best for oneself is very important. If what someone is asking or expecting of you is going to damage you in any way, your answer should be no. And I'm not talking about being a physical hero here... I'm not talking about the fireman who runs into the flames or the soldier who gives his life for another. Those kinds of situations are rare. The kind of hero we can be will be on a much smaller scale. For instance... I need to take special care of my health. Otherwise, I am no good to myself or anyone else. If what someone is asking me to do goes against being able to take care of myself (once in a great while is fine but not regularly) then I know I have to say "no" to their request. If the person is asking me to talk for a while on the phone and I was hoping to read a couple chapters of a book instead... chatting on the phone is simply more important, especially when someone is having a hard time. The chapters in the book will always be there for a later time. My friend's anguish will not be and if I ignore it, my friend may not be also.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. We live, we learn, we are disappointed sometimes and exhilarated at other times. We go through the motions and we try to make our mark, some of us want to make this world a better place and it is through love that we will do this. I had my own personal insight last night. A big WHOA! moment. Or as Oprah would say... an "aha!" moment.

I have an illness that I will have to contend with for the rest of my life. Yes, it took me 10 years to work my way out of denial and ignorance about it but now I am perfectly content with the idea of taking medication each day. My quality of life is unbelievably better now. It's awesome. So... why did this happen to me? I know the reason now. It came to me last night. I finally get it. And it's exciting and amazing. What I survived is also what helped to provide for me. Again, life doesn't disappoint but, rather, people do. No one caused my illness, it's genetics. But, it's necessary or I probably never would have gotten to where I am. I never thought I'd say "thank you" for having a brain problem but now I do. And now I can serve others with the wisdom I have obtained through the entire ordeal. I've been told it's wisdom... I dunno... I just know what I know. And I know we have to love one another and be there for one another or this life is simply not worth living.

The Inside Will Turn Black

Dialysis tubing. Apparently a well known experiment in biology classes. I did it last night and mentioned it to a friend. Without me saying "dialysis" or "tubing" she knew what I had done. She's a high school science teacher, after all but still - I was impressed.

Pleasantly, I was also impressed with myself. The class has become boring. Very, very boring. The teacher is good and his jokes aren't all bad but the information we're learning right now is remarkably dry. Remarkably. It was interesting at first but I have no need to know how the sodium and postassium molecules get into the cell. I really don't. I get the point, I get the idea. But I can't take much more of learning about diffusion. I have officially ruled out ever becoming a biologist.

However, a couple weeks ago... I had gone to class and walked out feeling stupid. Really, really dumb. I know I mentioned it in an earlier blog. Last night, new feeling. I did not feel stupid, I did not feel dumb. My brain showed up and I explained the experiment and the answers to our questions to all the girls in my group. It was awesome. I had enough faith in my own brain that I didn't just copy their answers. While I still have not mastered the microscope (nor do I truly have any desire to), I did master something else last night. I mastered, if only for a few minutees, understanding dialysis tubing. And just as the iodine found it's way into the model cell, a little more confidence found it's way into me.

Boring

Last night I was pleasantly surprised. I saw one of my old managers while I was out to eat. I thought he completely disliked me and I wouldn't have thought he'd want to chat with me but turns out, it's all good.

I think I might know who I'm going to go see when I pick up a part time job over the summer. IF I pick up a part time job over the summer.

Don't really have much more to say today. Wow! I feel remarkably boring at the moment...

God Never Asked Me to Make the Promise That I Did

Taking a deep breath, I start today's entry. The last couple weeks have been on the tough side and as of last night, I was trying to avoid an anxiety attack. Today, I feel lighter and the pressure in my chest and shoulders has finally begun to dissapate. My bud told me yesterday I'd start to feel normal again, just had to give it some time.

Anger is not an emotion I have very often. Irritation, sure. Actual anger and rage... not too often at all. But certain things began to hit me, and for what it's worth I had to start accepting, stop denying, and stop fooling myself into believing that it wasn't like that. Because... it was.

What am I left with? Besides a crushed sense of self and uncomfortable feelings? Alot. I'm left with the sense that I know it will get better in time. I'm left with the sense that I don't have to keep doubting myself. I'm left with a stronger sense of reality. And I'm left with a chance to forgive. And forgive I will do. Because if I don't I'll just keep eating away at my own insides.

It's not always easy to forgive certain things but I don't want to live my life angry, bitter, and not open to what I really want for myself. Health in areas of my life where there hasn't been any, possibly ever before. Memories serve me with healthy doses of "I can't believe..." but I have to believe and I have to accept the fact that I was mistreated terribly. And once I recognize it, I can start to heal from it. Recognizing it and accepting it for what it was is a huge part of this process. Eventually, I will get better.

Each day is a chance to turn it all around. And each day I can try to live my best life, to do my best, and to be my best. It's going to be work and at least now I have a full understanding of how I was spinning my wheels. Why it seems that I wasn't getting anywhere. It was time to look a little deeper, to be a little more honest, and to stop lying to myself.

I am deeply saddened by some people's lack of control or their lack of conscience but I was doing no one any good ignoring the truth. I'm facing the truth now and it's ugly. Really, really ugly. Much worse than what anyone knew. Up until this weekend they "didn't know it was so bad". But, it was.

No Detours, Please

She said "If we're gonna make this workYou gotta let me inside even though it hurtsDon't hide the broken parts that I need to see"She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta beYou gotta love yourself if you can ever love me" (From Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse)

I have never worked this hard in my life. And many days I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. Other days I see a smidge of progress and I feel good. And then days like yesterday, I fuck up all over the place... which, as usual, leads into getting the following morning off on the wrong foot. But... at least I feel rested.

Yesterday was a messy day... a pinnacle of what my life used to look like all the time. Luckily, I had someone there to help me get through it. Actually, I had four people. Thank God for them. Today I go to therapy... and I need it. I have discovered a huge obstacle in my life and until I attack it and get past it, I will never be the person I was born to be. (See quote again as a reference.)

I was not feeling tortured in the old way (pre-meds) but emotionally I was a disaster. Memories were popping up all over the place and seeing my own weaknesses was killing me. How did it ever get this bad? But I can't play the "what if" game. What if I had gotten medicated all those years ago? What if I had done this different, or that different? It's pointless. I will make my way through the remainder of this morning until I leave for therapy. And after that... who knows, maybe I'll make a connection in there that will help tremendously and get me past this roadblock.

Diffusion

According to dictionary.com, one of the many definitions of the word diffuse is: widely spread or scattered; dispersed. This suits this blog for now though it is definitley not a complete definition.

In class last night we learned about diffusion within cells. We drew at least four different diagrams about the way this happens. Water makes it's way into a cell by diffusion, osmosis. Basically, where there is little, water will eventually keep creeping into the cell to even it out. And this doesn't just apply to water but also solubles such as salt. But that's not osmosis. It's just diffusion.

We drew a diagram of cells and how the water found it's way in, pushing through cellular walls and the like. And we also drew a picture of a single celled organism (a protozoan called a Paramicium) that lives in pond water. This single celled organism could be taken over by water by means of diffusion if it weren't for the adaptation it formed to basically spit out the water when it gets overloaded via a cavity on it's itty bitty teeny weany little "body".

Now I pose a question. If this teen tiny little single cell organism has learned to adapt to diffusion why haven't we? We're smarter than it but we have yet to master the art of not allowing certain things to take us over. Things such as worry and fear. In many ways worry and fear enter our lives by way of diffusion.

Our minds can be clear, no worries, no real concerns... we may be wandering around doing our jobs, living our lives, loving our loved ones and suddenly we're taken into a world of "eek!". Is this nothing less than diffusion? The outside world sends us all sorts of messages, all sorts of ideas that are often contrary to what we should be concerned with. And then our own insecurities and personal fears of feeling pain creep in and before you know it, you've got worry. What others are trying to do, what others have done and how these things affect us. Certainly we can't deny that others do affect us but how about when we jump the gun and assume or worry about the outcome? Is there any point? Shouldn't we just keep going about our business and as long as we're not dishonest or trying to obtain something by hidden motive, what is there to fear? The truth always finds it's way to the surface one way or another. If someone is doing us wrong, we'll find out and then we can make the decisions that need to be made. But, until something happens why worry? Do we really believe somehow we will be destroyed? I am not saying we should never be cautious and that we should throw all caution to the wind but I am saying why panic? Why snoop? Why try to figure out what anyone else is doing so we can avoid being hurt? If they are already hurting you or you truly suspect they are, ask. Or look at what they have told you in the past. And when the time comes that you find you are being wronged... spit them out like the paramecium spits out the excess water. Spit the problem out, learn from it, and move on.

Real

I told him last night that I hope I'm not being stupid... he said he doesn't think I am... we'll see.

But what else would he say? Or maybe he meant it and maybe I have to remember that everyone's different and it would be best to not allow my past to dictate my future. Or my beliefs in how people are. Most people are not like some of the people I've known. Some people are just looking for themselves and for their happiness. Some people may hide behind the facades they build up but not all. Maybe he's like me... maybe he's for real.

Carmine's (Assorted Things from Last Night)

An ongoing conversation. Cause I had a helluva day yesterday.

The wine had a sour apple taste and came in a juice glass.

The manicotti was good but I should've ordered some sauce (I don't call it "gravy" and never will) to go on it.

Five dollars blown on the slots, should never play on the ones no one goes near on a Friday night.

The drinks are free on the floor but I controlled myself.

My mom had told me earlier in the evening she's glad to have me back and it would break her heart to ever lose me again. Helluvan emotional moment.

Pop made his first pizza... good stuff. Look forward to it with cheese.

The cutest guy ever wearing a cowboy hat.

Yeah, I really hope that is frosting on your jeans.

Is that the green eyed monster I see?

I love his taste in music.

Would've stopped to get a drink but I'm in my jammies.

What is up with that vest? Why do you own this?

I take shots of whiskey like a champ, apparently. Indian Blood, I'm sorry.

"Might do him some good."

Braveheart

Breaking free of old patterns, starting newer healthier ones. Recognizing things for what they are instead of second guessing. Living my life for myself instead of worrying about what someone thinks of my every move. Feeling honest and raw with no pretenses.

"they may take our lives but they'll never take our freedom!!!!" (In a Scottish accent.)

Taking our lives isn't always about killing us physically. Sometimes it's psychological and sometimes it's emotional. And sometimes it's both. Most of the time it's a mix of the two since they are intertwined in the brain.

And sometimes it's time to reclaim our freedom. And with our freedom, ourselves.

The Little Engine That Could

Take things as they come. Sound, good, easy to do advice. I want to follow it. But... can I? I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Everyday we are all provided with challenges of some sort. Every single day. For some of us, it's just getting out of bed that's a challenge. For others, it's getting through a day at work without going on a shooting rampage (with Super Soakers, of course). And finally, for others it's trying to love our personal life even when it's not perfect or anywhere near it. The other challenges we come across... trying to be a better person, trying to meet our goals, trying to just keep a clean house while life goes on... sometimes it can all be a little overwhelming.

Today I face the challenge of staying grounded, not getting too excited about what is a good thing. Trying to keep my mind on my own day instead of wondering what tomorrow will bring. I have an incredibly boring lecture to go to this morning, just getting through that without falling asleep and snoring in front of everyone is a challenge that I will have to get past. And then going to school tonight and trying my best to see and identify organelles in animal blood and bone. The problem with the latter is that it's boring and I suck at using a microscope. It doesn't have to be boring but since I suck at using a microscope, I spend most of my time staring into the light and going nearly blind. I have to try and get past this so I can get a decent grade and move on.

Apologies are rare, it seems. But, last night I got one. And it means the world to me. It wasn't just a basic "I'm sorry" but instead an "I'm sorry about... it was really disrespectful of me." Wow! Yes, yes, it was but... wow. Did you realize that on your own? It doesn't matter if you did or not but... yes, it does... in a way. If you realized that on your own that means you're exactly who I think you are. This good, intelligent, sensitive, creative, and beautiful human being that I could fall madly in love with, given the situation falls into place.

But... for now... I have to keep my eyes on today. I have to get to working, I have to sit through the most boring hourlong lecture of my work year, and then I have to get home and get my butt to school. Meanwhile, I guess it'd be ok to give myself a second to smile about what needs smiling about. Not too big though, I don't want to lose my focus.

Making Your Own Breaks

Sometimes I wonder if I really know who I am. I sat in class yesterday, feeling not very bright and in awe of a girl in my class. She just seemed very confident and she's beautiful. I don't know why I was so struck by her while we did our lab work. But there was something about her... something that made me say... "why am I not that way?". Why am I not more confident? Why don't have strong faith in my own abilities? One step at a time, I suppose. And I have much to come back from. Guess I just have to take it little step by little step. Keep doing what I'm supposed to do and eventually it will fall into place. But... what do I know? Her personal life may be a mess and I am sure she's not as perfect as she appears. But, she is not the problem.

The problem is that I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels at this point. I have made an amazing amount of progress but yet again I feel myself wondering when I will see the fruit of my labors. I'm living (mostly) within my budget, I'm taking better care of myself than I have in quite some time, I'm back in school, and I have a job that I'm good at. I have decided against leaving it for now.

So... why was I awestruck by her? I dunno. There was something to her. Something real, something that I want for myself. And if the dream I had last night was an indication, it may have something to do with self love. Maybe I don't love myself enough. Maybe it's just simply that my own self esteem needs more work... alot more work. I have to keep working to get my stuff together and that's where the self esteem will come from. This much I know. Getting my credit card bills down and out into my own home will help so much. It's just a matter of when... not so much "how".

Sigh... tomorrow's another day. And so is today. I will accomplish my list for today and I'll be content when I go to bed. That's all I can ask for, I suppose. From myself.

Feel Good Now You Butch Bastard?

Went out to the movies last night. Saw Fool's Gold and had a beer with my bud. Jalapeno twist to the beer and a movie that actually provided a couple laugh out loud moments. Not a bad way to spend an evening.

But, the real focus came later. With a text and a whim to do what was best, I put it on the line. Said what I have needed to say for some time. And will I lose out on what I want now? Maybe. Only if it's not meant to be anyway.

I used the word "icky" to describe the situation and felt silly about that. My lack of real words only provides me with a chuckle at how nerves can interfere. Also, it provides me with the knowledge about myself that I am not a cruel person. I don't wish to be harsh but, rather, honest. However, I felt good about doing what needed to be done. I may gain more of an insight on the person I was speaking with or they may choose to leave my life completely. It's up to them. Either way, I'm trying to rid myself of this cycle I've been stuck in for months. Things are not the way they should be and someone needs to change something. Since I realize this, it is my responsibility to make the change. This back and forth stuff finally came to a head with me. There are parts of my life that no longer fit who I am, and these are the parts that need to be tweaked. I tweaked my room, I'm tweaking my schedule, I'm tweaking all sorts of stuff and some of my relationships appear to need tweaking as well.

Fingers are crossed and an eight week deadline... we'll see.

Moving Along

I had a rough few days. Feeling better now. A trigger set me off when I was already feeling down. And all I've got to say after pondering this weekend into today is this: (yes, I'm using other people's words)

It's over
No longer
I feel it growing colder
I knew this day would come to end
So let this life begin

I've lost my way
I've lost my way
But I will go on until the end

The final fight I'll win

(excerpts from Until The End by Breaking Benjamin)

Patience With Myself

Woke up to Britney Spears singing "Gimme More" running around my head. Don't know why.

Yesterday was a bit rough... felt very tired and out of it... kind of cranky. Today I feel kind of cranky again but that's because yesterday was a bit of a downward spiral. The kind of day that made me say "screw it" to everything and climb into bed a little after 8:00.

Today is a new day and I have to start again. I have to forgive myself and let go of what I have done and what I have failed to do. I am bored with my job (it is no reflection whatsoever of who I am) and I think I want to start looking elsewhere.

One day at a time... just got to get myself back on the horse and keep riding. Wish it was a little easier. Wish I had a reason to jump for joy. Eventually... one day... it'll come. Maybe by the end of today, the light will begin shining again.