Making Your Own Breaks

Sometimes I wonder if I really know who I am. I sat in class yesterday, feeling not very bright and in awe of a girl in my class. She just seemed very confident and she's beautiful. I don't know why I was so struck by her while we did our lab work. But there was something about her... something that made me say... "why am I not that way?". Why am I not more confident? Why don't have strong faith in my own abilities? One step at a time, I suppose. And I have much to come back from. Guess I just have to take it little step by little step. Keep doing what I'm supposed to do and eventually it will fall into place. But... what do I know? Her personal life may be a mess and I am sure she's not as perfect as she appears. But, she is not the problem.

The problem is that I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels at this point. I have made an amazing amount of progress but yet again I feel myself wondering when I will see the fruit of my labors. I'm living (mostly) within my budget, I'm taking better care of myself than I have in quite some time, I'm back in school, and I have a job that I'm good at. I have decided against leaving it for now.

So... why was I awestruck by her? I dunno. There was something to her. Something real, something that I want for myself. And if the dream I had last night was an indication, it may have something to do with self love. Maybe I don't love myself enough. Maybe it's just simply that my own self esteem needs more work... alot more work. I have to keep working to get my stuff together and that's where the self esteem will come from. This much I know. Getting my credit card bills down and out into my own home will help so much. It's just a matter of when... not so much "how".

Sigh... tomorrow's another day. And so is today. I will accomplish my list for today and I'll be content when I go to bed. That's all I can ask for, I suppose. From myself.