Cranky But Happy

Over the past two days... several things have come to mind. As in, "I should write about that" or "that sounds like a good topic". Or, "yeah...".

And now it comes time for me to write. Yet, nothing is stirring in my brain specifically. Maybe it's the mention by Texan (or Alabaman or whatever else he eventually tells me to call him) that my blogs lately have been cranky. As well as a type of "congratulations" on how far I've come since this time last year. But, he's right. On both counts. I have come a very long way since this time last year. Honestly, if you had seen me just about three years ago... you'd barely know it was me. However, lately, as he said, I've been cranky.

Cranky. Cranky. Cranky.

Why?

Restless feelings... my want to get moving in my life... have given me the all around "blahs" in some ways. I'm tired of my job. But, I'm grateful for it. I'm tired of paying off my debts, which is the numero uno thing holding me back from traveling. But, it has to be done. Is it a pity party? Not exactly. I don't pity myself for any of it. I'm blessed to have a job right now. And my debts are mine. Whether they were incurred mostly by the surprise ER visits or not, it was worth it. Babygirl was worth every penny and she was worth me having to hold up on seeing the world.

My beloved just got back from Paris yesterday. And he said "you're jealous". I told him I'm really not... though I was at first. One day I'll get to France too. And it may be sooner than I thought. I may decide to go ahead and bite the financial bullet and go in August to see my French friends marry... again. But, we'll see. For now, I can look forward to my weekend away in May. Even if it's only Cape May. The boyfriend and I are getting a hotel room for one night. It'll at least feel like a mini-vacation. And I'm looking forward to it.

Plump

So, the rain hasn't exactly gone away. Or, at least, as of this morning it hadn't. Haven't been outside since I got into work today. But, I am feeling better. The cloudy, chilly weather is getting a bit old, I am thinking but what can I do? Not too much, I'm afraid.

Yesterday I had off from work. My usual one day a week. And it was nice even if I didn't get my laundry done. Though having to come in this morning made it a bit dampered. And going to AC last night was pretty alright though we couldn't just cut loose with the rest of the ladies (and one guy) because I had to be up early today. However, biff and I were both exhausted when we did get home so leaving a bit on the early side was probably a good thing.

Biff and I were talking about our relationship last night, while I enjoyed myself a deep fried burger. (Yup, heart attack express on a plate.) And I was mentioning how I think I'm ready to simplify a bit. I want to make sure I make dates with her as well as with the soon to be cutest cop ever. (Still trying to figure out his perfect name.) I don't want to keep making sure my nights are all packed. I enjoy just hanging out with a pizza and a movie... some wine, maybe. I want to start calming it down a bit. Not completely, of course... but I am ready to make some changes. Totally ready, I think.

Not ready to settle into getting cable or watching TV exactly... but I'm ready to make a little room for someone besides me. To make sure that my relationships are well fed and without the strain of not spending time together when it can be helped. It's taken me a long time to figure out the part about spending time with people you care for as opposed to just spending time with just anyone. And I think it's probably a good idea to invest in this realization.

Rain, Rain Go Away

Ok... it's raining and cold. So, that never helps.

I've been feeling rather testy all afternoon. Wasn't so bad this morning but it still wasn't exactly a joy filled day. I wonder how the weather is supposed to be tomorrow... I never watch the forecasts, only go by word of mouth. I guess I could ask somebody but what's the point? They're only going by what either they heard or what the newsman said. Isn't going to actually change what's going on in the sky.

Yeah... I'm in a bad mood.

Can't wait to go home and go to bed.

Two weeks almost down, only two more weeks to go.

Time To Change The Game

Sigh... good sigh but still... sigh...

Today I'm feeling rather contemplative. As I told co-Britney fan. I drove to work listening intently to the radio, to the words, thinking of whom or what they reminded me of. Trying to narrow down what I'd write about today. But, nothing comes to mind as much as just this simple and complex feeling of contemplation. So much has happened and so much has changed. Life is pretty alright at the moment. I've still got some changes to make and some plans to figure out but otherwise, I'm good. I'm feeling solid. I'm feeling relieved.

I've got to get on figuring out what my next steps are going to be. Besides getting back in shape, which I jumped back on trying to accomplish today. I have all sorts of things I want to do and I'm doing only a portion of them at the moment. In fact, the goals I have for my life are only half in the picture right now. My writing, my travels... they're nearly nowhere to be seen. Meanwhile, my beloved gets ready to leave for France for the weekend on Friday. I'm getting slightly frustrated that I haven't been focusing more attention on those things... the things I love.

Can't Wait To See Him in Uniform (replacing the rather lacking name "soon to be cop" and only a temporary name still...) has sort of got my wheels grinding too... along with my beloved leaving for France. He's going every day to fulfill something. He's really working on his future... enjoyable as it may be at times... and thinking about it... why am I not doing the same? I guess I am in a way... paying back all my debts is the first step.

Well... anyway... feeling good today. Just starting to wonder what I'm waiting for in getting serious about myself.

Hatred of the Night Shift

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate second shift?

Just checking...

I Sent You

The fact of the matter is I know where the dream came from. But, it was still disgusting and harsh and awful. I woke up questioning whether or not I had actually done all those horrible things. After a minute or so, after coming completely "too" I realized it was just a nightmare.

For the second time, a violent movie got caught in my psyche. And I had a nightmare because of it. In last night's dream, I was living in a hotel and I was a murderer. Brutal and disgusting. And I had no problem with it. Not only was I a murderer, people all around me were jumping to their deaths from outside my window. But, it wasn't just in my building but the building across the street too. The last guy I recall, jumped to his death and his body got caught in the electric wires outside of the hotel or apartment building across the street. When I woke up, I had been staring right at him, watching him twitch and then rot.

It was awful.

The nightmare came from the movie City of God. While a good movie, it was tough. It reminded me of Kids... but in Brazil. And alot more brutal. Much more brutal. Kids killing kids, kids doing coke... it was disturbing. And because of the title I got to thinking, of course... why does God allow this to happen? Why is it allowed to get so bad? I'm not about to try and answer that question. The easy answer is free will. And I believe that to an extent. But still... it's a tough world out there. And instead of questioning the motives of the universe or even questioning whether or not this does or does not provide evidence that maybe there isn't a God (which I wholeheartedly don't believe), I'm just going to turn it around. I'm going to say "thanks". Everything I've been through... which is no small bit of crap... and it's still so much easier than what any of the people in the movie had to deal with. And how one guy escapes, realizing his dream along the way.

Slumdog Millionaire had the same feel to me. Reminding me how blessed my own life has been.

The man asked God "why don't you do something about this?"

And God replied "I did. I sent you."

Vacation Time

Last night I found myself angry. Stupidly and out of turn but still angry.

I have never minded doing the overtime on the weekend. Never. But, suddenly, and quite without warning I found myself incredibly aggravated at the prospect of coming in today. I know that in this economy I should be thankful for not only have a decent job but also for the oppurtunity to make extra money. Most of the time, this is how I think. But last night... not so much.

I left work early last night so that I could go to bed so I could come to work. On a Friday night. I took vacation time so this could happen. Vacation time, while relatively plentiful around here, is limited. And I had to take it so I could get some sleep and get to work on time in the morning. It was while I was driving up to my apartment building that I started to get all pissy about it. Then I walked up to my mailbox, was looking through my mail when my neighbor and her girlfriends came out. All dolled up and beautiful... and quite erroneously I found myself thinking (in a pouting child's voice) "I never get to do that."

Then I stomped up my stairs, turned on my lights and sighed. I'd still have to wait for my meds to kick in before I'd be able to sleep well. So, I drank a beer too.

And that's when I realized... yeah... I'm about as normal as they come when it comes to some things now. I want to live a life, not sit behind a computer screen for eight to sixteen to really occasionally twenty four hours a weekend. I want to enjoy my new found clear mind and the freedom that it provides.

Hmph. Luckily, I'm in a much better mood today.

Within Reason

I graduated.

Sort of.

Well... mentally.

To a state of... normality.

Ok, maybe that'll never be fully possible (for anyone) but my major issues appear to be worked out. At least that's what my therapist and I have deduced from the last few sessions. So, here comes maintenance time. Which is awesome. Which means I can probably cut back to once a month. Which means less rearranging my schedules, less money spent, and more getting on with living.

The past is the past and things are what they are. I'm no longer letting everyone off the hook but I'm still keeping my understanding side. And I no longer feel like I have to be a caretaker to the ones I love. Will I still be there for them and with them? Sure. Can they still call on me? Sure. And I'll be there within reason. I'll help them within reason. I have my own needs to be met and other people's can come before mine, sometimes, within reason.

After all, Biff did recently tag me a "most willing to lend a hand". I don't want to lose that title.

No Cry

In this great future, you can't forget your past;So dry your tears, I seh.
- No Woman No Cry, Bob Marley

For those who've been close to me in the last three years... they've seen plenty of tears. And for those who were close to me before that, they have also seen alot of tears... and alot of everything else. Been a rough time so far. But, for some reason this zen feeling is really starting to settle into my bones.

I know people will still try to come along and mess a thing or two up for me. I know that tragic and/or sad news comes to all of us from time to time. I know my eyes won't always be filled with tears of joy. But, damn, right now. I've finally found the kind of peace I've been looking for. That I've been waiting for. For quite a long time.

Things are not perfect but I'm not overwhelmed. And I'm enjoying the thoughts back that I have. From my two car accidents in an hour and a half... on the same day I was walking into adulthood. Last day of senior year. To the big fight yesterday. And everything in between. I've been in therapy for just over two years and finally all the work we've done seems to be settling into my bones. I'm starting to understand a little better. Or alot better. All of the lessons that have been put on my path. And when I say understand, it's just true. I get it now. Dr. Phil's Ten Life Lessons include one that goes something like "Become one of the people who gets it." When I first read that, I didn't get it. But, now I do.

I can't and won't forget my past. But, I have a bright future to finally look forward to. And I'm ready to step into it. I'm ready for the path I've been tripping down to not seem so much like a maze.

What You're Working With

The last thirty six hours have been eventful. To say the least.

I woke up yesterday and had no idea what the day held for me. Had no idea what the day held for anyone. But I woke up to a phone call. I thought it was a friend of mine but it turns out it wasn't her... it was the woman who found her Blackberry. I managed to send a text out to two mutual friends of ours to please email her. And they did. I assume she got her phone back. I didn't exactly get a thank you and neither did Biff. So, the phone call messed me up. My brain took even longer than usual to start working due to the sleep disturbance once I finally woke up. When I say longer than usual, let's just leave it at... I drove to the store... drove right past it, through the parking lot... drove away and then had to turn around to go back. I knew what I was doing there but I couldn't figure out how to park. I probably shouldn't have been behind the wheel and I am sorry to all those whose life was so dangerously risked at my hands.

So, I visit mom... I'm finally coming to... and she tells me of my uncle's accident. Totalled his truck, flipped it over, got pretty banged up. But, he's ok. My God, I almost lost my uncle. Thank God he's ok.

And the night before I was dwelling a bit on my own nosiness. On the fact that I looked at a picture of a couple I'd been avoiding for three years. Truth is, they look good together. But, I had to dig at my own dark spot, my own fear in order to let it dissolve in the light. (My horoscopes lately have been pretty damn good.) But, any sickness I felt immediately has passed. Especially in light of the more important things.

My uncle could have died.

And Little Mama finally had her baby.

There's a new person in the world. Precious and beautiful and bringing joy to so many just by the mere existence of her. It's what we all should be.

And I've lost a friendship. My beloved is pissed at me. Apparently I haven't been there for him when he needed me. I didn't know he needed me so badly. There was nothing different about his behavior than it has been in the past. And I had been getting frustrated with his behavior, just because I was feeling a strange pressure to bend to his whims. I'd felt this for a long time. He's being irrational in his arguments... being that he's not willing to discuss a damn thing... only willing to sling insults and attack me for who I am. Which is no longer acceptable to him. I have to say this, my friends, I shouldn't have to pick up on clues that something is wrong. You need to just spit it out with me. Leave me a voicemail. Be direct. I'll be there as soon as possible.

I will no longer accept this behavior. Especially from those who are supposed to love me. When you love, you love the good and the bad. All of us have flaws.

Which leads me to thinking and praying and hoping my dad is right.

"Your thirties and forties are better because you know what you're working with". The twenties have been horrible... glad they're coming to a close, to be honest. Still a few months to go but I feel thirty already.

The last event for me to cover. I knew soon to be cop was someone special... I'm sure future blogs will reflect that fully.

Ahh... just got a text. My beloved says he's sorry. Maybe once I take a break, my beloved can become my beloved again.

Almost lost my uncle, the baby was born, a friendship has probably been forever altered, I've got a boyfriend now, and life goes on as usual. But, I'm feeling strangely zen. In my eyes I'm ready to make peace with everyone. So, make peace I shall.

Changes... Changing... And Changed

The fact of the matter is I've been wanting to just be free lately. Kind of tired of worrying about HAVING to be there for people. Not that I don't want to be but I am a little sick of feeling like there's pressure on me to behave a certain way in order to keep them happy. I has taken me years and years to learn how not to be co-dependent. And I'm getting frustrated with others who have become co-dependent on me. Not that I don't need people, I do. I definitely do. And I am, by no means, going to stop talking to people all together or start becoming rude. But, I'm not going to jump when they say jump. A few people in my life need to learn to just simply meet me in the middle. We'll talk when we're able, you can't go expecting me to put down or stop doing what I'm doing whenever you feel the want to chat. I'm not going to tell other friends to leave my place so I can make a phone call and if I can barely keep my eyes open, I won't be able to call you back right away. I have no intention of not being there for people, especially those who've been there for me. I am grateful, very grateful for them. And this certainly doesn't mean that I love anyone any less than I did before. If anything, as of late, I've been loving my loved ones very intensely.

Am I being selfish? I can't tell.

But I can tell you one thing. Things in my life seem to be changing quickly. And I will be reflecting that in my behavior. Do I feel horrible for it? Sort of. Because I'm so used to being a certain way. But, I think I just have to get past that. Biff pointed out that I need to not feel guilty for changing. And I need to not feel guilty for my relationships changing because of my changes.

But, I feel guilty. Should I feel guilty?

Time For A Change

Didn't make it to Urban Saloon last night. Spice and I rescheduled for April. I was relieved because I would have just been dragging myself about. Instead, I did lots of extra sleeping and watched Ghost Hunters with biff.

So... I'm feeling restless. Yesterday's post went a roundabout way of me expressing the feeling. But, that's mostly because I didn't know what the feeling was, exactly. Plus, I was cranky and tired. Still not loving the old place of employment but it actually has nothing to do with the job itself or my co-workers or anything of that nature. It's all about me.

I need some things to change. And I need to get down to business with changing them. I have to get serious about writing. I've got two stories in the works. I've got to put the work into it in order to get the return. That goes for every area of my life right about now.

I'm ready, I'm willing, it's time.

Do You Have My Stapler?

I think it's the weather. I feel icky and irritable and cold. And on top of all that, I feel like complaining about it. Obviously.

I can't wait to head home today. Absolutely can't wait. I want to get a little nap in before doing anything else. And I'm supposed to go out with Spice tonight. Urban Saloon, here we come. Coming into work late tomorrow too. Which will be a nice change of pace. I'll be able to get a really good night's sleep in. Lately, I've been taking my "sleeping pills" and waiting for them to take effect before curling up in bed. I used to take them and get right into bed. Strange part is, as much as I love sleeping, I haven't wanted to go to bed at bedtime. I feel like a little kid about this. Practically stomping my feet when eleven rolls around. And I haven't felt like coming to work either. I'm going through a definite Office Space phase right now.

Kids

So, lately the topic of kids has come up quite a bit. People asking me if I want any and things of that nature. I've always been on the fence with that question but I think I've made up my mind. Yes, I want some. Not anytime in the next several years but, yes, ultimately I'd like at least one or two. I'd like it but we'll see what happens. One friend recently said if I don't find a husband to have them with, would I go with a sperm donor. The answer to that is simple. No. I don't want to raise any babies on my own unless it's by accident.

However...

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I also like the idea of adopting or going with foster care. I would like to have a couple of my own but after that, I think I want to help the kids in this country who just weren't cut a break from early on. I've always had a little bit of that in the back of my mind but now I'm sure of it. Now that I'm generally stable and thinking it through. Could be a good deal... I have love to give... they need love. I want to be a writer, which means working from home, which would also be good. This is my plan and we'll see if life lets me stick to it.

Years ago, my ex and I had the oppurtunity to maybe adopt a little abused baby from a hospital. Someone had thrown him up against the wall during a beating. He had brain damage. But, he was an angel, according to our friend, who volunteered at the hospital and called to ask us to consider it. For one night, we discussed it. And we both wanted to. For one night but something got the better of us and we instantly changed our mind. Maybe it was the fact that we were never going to make it for the long haul. Maybe we both knew it. Or maybe we just weren't set up yet to give the child the life he deserved. But, I remember being really excited at the time... the possibility of it. About all the love I could give him. Let him know how amazing and beautiful he was, just for being at all. Because everyone is, in their own right.

So, I guess that's my answer. I've changed my mind. I do want kids, definitely. But, not for a good amount of years yet. I want some more time on my own, a little time to travel, time to get started on my writing (for real), and just simply time to keep living without the worry of taking care of anyone but myself.

Weird how quickly things can change.

Just A Reminder

Just a reminder that, yes, life is beautiful. Just watch this whenever you forget or simply have a hard time believing.

Driving Home

I know I've been acting odd as of late. I've been feeling odd too. Not much like myself but like myself completely. It's like I'm just letting all my worries go. For the most part. Something in my life feels disrupted but I can't put my finger on it exactly. Could be medication related but I really don't mind the way I've felt since therapy yesterday. Though my anxiety with the impending doom feeling has been on high alert. I know that some of it is the fact that I don't know how to express my feelings like I should. I don't know how to at all. I feel plenty, it's accepting my feelings and moving on that's a problem. Since I can't accept them, I can't get over them. Feeling guilt for feeling sad or angry or snappy or bitchy or just plain awful is a rough Catch-22.

Yes, I was horrible to the guy last night. But, he wasn't a picnic either. In fact, he wasn't at all. He was pissed off quickly after the night began. But, it started in the car. When I tried to make a few jokes... he didn't get any of them. And not in a way we could laugh about, in the way that makes conversation run flat. Then when we missed an exit, he got annoyed. Which happens. But, that's not laid back enough for me. Honestly, it's not. Right now, I need chill.

Meanwhile, it started to get messy with the addition of soon to be cop to the group. Chemistry has been there for a while. It just sort of exploded last night. In the middle of my date. But, the fact of the matter is I have fun with him. I wasn't having fun with my date. When I asked my date, who found his place against the wall, even after telling me how social he was, to join the group. He said he could hear from way out. Whatever. I tried. I'm not going to cuddle with you, away from the people I really like. He knew we were going to be hanging with a large group.

Something started to bug me...

Something I couldn't see... but something about him. And it wasn't his continuous bragging about large TVs and the GPS he didn't bring and how he's a homeowner and has a job he loves and how he was once in the police academy. (He sued them because he didn't pass some of their final tests. And lost the lawsuit, he wasn't bragging about that but did complain about his lawyer's bill from it.)

For some reason, while getting ready for the date I had a strange thought that he would grab my arm at some point. Out of anger. And while he didn't grab it with his whole hand, he pinched a good chunk of it in order to pull me over to him. "Why don't you try working on us?". Dude, there isn't going to be an "us". And that's what I told him. He had already had it out with the cigarette machine, beat the crap out of it from what he told everyone in the group. One by one.

Am I making him more horrible than he is? Possibly. Am I doing it because maybe I am scared? Yes. I can't take another Jackass or TSE or any of it. I can't take anymore of what I've already dealt with. I care about people. Lots of people. And I want to do what I can do for them. To help them out when they need it but I can't keep ignoring my own feelings to try and gaurd theirs. Or to allow them to just do whatever they want, without conscience just so I don't take a chance of hurting them.

And my voice matters. I matter. I've had plenty of people in my life who didn't have any concern about me, even when dealing with me alone - and directly. Just me. I've cared about their feelings, even to the point of hurting myself. And I've been shushed enough times, I'm done with it. I may not have always been completely rational but I have a voice that needs to be heard. Just because I'm a person, just like everyone else.

I am sorry about the way I treated him last night... but I was just reacting to my feelers... my gut. And, of course, that odd comment from the quiet guy. "I really hope you're the one driving home tonight. He's not drunk." You know what I got from that, besides the obvious cryptic warning? "I hope you're the one in control."

I'm hoping to be the one in control too. Of my own life. Not some dude who doesn't even care enough to ask me about myself. Who just wants to have someone to prove he's over the recent breakup. We weren't suited for each other at all. But, he would have just made the pieces fit.

I don't want access to your house... thanks for the offer... I have my own place that I love. Way to not respect that maybe I want to continue to have movie nights in my own livingroom with my own super bright TV that my Wawa buddy gave to me and I am uber thankful for. But, yours is bigger and better, right? Wrong. Overcompensation will get you nowhere with me. Anyone who's ever been in my place or hung around me for a bit knows I don't care too much about things.

Not that he's ever been in my place... but I have never been impressed with all your nice stuff. It's just not what I'm about.

Man... PMS is a bitch.

Ramblings of the Girl With Balls

She walks. And sometimes she's slammed against the wall without warning. An undetectable force, lying in wait. Something real... something on the surface... something that should be difficult for anyone but in many ways, she just ends up shrugging at it. Because who really cares anyway?

Compassion is a funny thing. Sometimes you look at people and see their frailty. Sometimes you look at them with anger for not dodging the bullets that should be easily dodged. Because the gun was sluggish and it barely went off. If they had only put their hand up, it would have just hit it and fell to the ground like in cartoons. But, they let it get to their heart and now they're reaping the rewards. Which, usually, doesn't the world "reaping" sound so grave? That's because it is. Makes you think of the grim reaper. And usually when folks say "you reap what you sow", they don't mean the good you've done.

Therapy today was awesome but I've got alot to digest and then, basically, regurgitate. (Eww...) I have to start living. And sometimes living means standing up for myself appropriately. And not just assuming that I have no right to say something when I'm being mistreated.

I like biff's name for it. Biff with balls.

That's me.

The Forgotten Level

It's just a part of my life. And I'm almost certain, especially while breathing through it and right after coming out of it, it's one of the levels of hell that Dante forgot to write about. It's depression. And I'm back from it. It's almost like a vacation... you stop communicating with others effectively and you start to get wrapped up in all you can't seem to do. Except it's a vacation that no one would pay money for. I felt a huge amount of pride for going to the bank yesterday and asking the teller for something. I'm capable, without issue, on most days but yesterday I felt relieved after my small encounter with her via speaker. I felt like "I am capable of something. I'm able to do something". Because when you're stuck, I mean really, really stuck... there's almost nothing you're certain you are able to do. The complete opposite of mania, really when you think you can do anything or be anyone, without fail. I barely moved yesterday and speaking felt funny but around 4pm, it lifted. And hell that is physical and emotional depression left my apartment... at least for the time being. I feel good again. Like myself again. No problem. Quiet mind. The only fear I have is not if it will happen again... but when. It's almost a guarantee that it will happen again and there's only so much I can do to avoid it. For now, I can get back into my routine. As I plan to today, not only after work but while I'm here. I'm back to my life and feeling right with it again.

Ahhhh......

How Does Nothing Weigh So Much?

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go home for the day. I'm tired and not feeling my best and could use the rest. Could very seriously use the rest. I'm upset and frustrated and hate feeling this way. If I could just get my ducks in a row... if I could just pull my shit back together, I'd feel better. But, I don't feel like putting forth the effort. Kind of can't stop thinking "what's the point?".

I've been taking terrible care of myself lately. Which is to say, barely any. I've just lost all drive to care. And I could say my medication isn't working but I don't actually know if that's true or not. The only way I can determine that is if I stop drinking so much and start exercising again. If I start caring enough to see if that plays a part into it or if it has nothing to do with it. I'm actually leaning towards "nothing to do with it" but maybe I'm wrong.

It would be nice to start trying again. To start caring about my usual stuff. To continue juggling my blessings. Eventually. Hopefully. I don't like giving up but that's where I appear to be at the moment. Why? I know why. However, I'm feeling too miserable to even attempt to answer that question.