The Happening Redone

Have you seen The Happening? It shook me up when biff and I went to see it in the theater. It's a whole lotta suicide up in that film.

So, last night, after finally cleaning the green off my fingers and arms and countertop and sweatshirt (there was a small accident with green paint last night) I went to bed. And dream I did. Not so pleasant. I mean, it scared the crap out of me. But, looking back at it now it wasn't so scary, it was just strange.

There's something in the air. And it's turning people to zombie-like creatures as they are in The Happening. In other words, suicidal non-people. Only I don't get affected. I just look around and get frightened by the evil that's going on. Still... I wander around thinking they're going to kill me. But, they have no interest in that, they want to just kill themselves. That makes me want to kill myself. I don't want to be left all alone after witnessing this horror. For a moment I think I feel something and I'm turning into one of them. So, I wander with them and try to find some creative way of doing myself in. Then I realize it's just like the time I took herbal x and didn't feel anything besides what I wanted to feel. Could have just been the lithium I was feeling. Anyway, in the dream I realize I'm not feeling anything.

But, again, I don't want to live through this. So I make one lame ass attempt (almost as lame as using a tractor like in the movie - that one was kind of silly looking) of swinging a metal edged window scraper toward my throat figuring it would cut the jugular. No go. It just sort of bounced back. I couldn't do it. The only thing I could do is pretend for a while. That I was one of them. And hope to get caught by their own suicide. Maybe if I stand close enough to one...

Towards the end I did come across a few others that weren't feeling the zombiness either. Then I woke up.

Moral of the story: (as my co-worker came up with) In a society of suicidal self mutilating zombies, you just want to fit in.

Decisions, Decisions

I have made a few decisions in the last day. I needed to give myself some relief so... I quitting school this semester. I will be talking to management about the fact that I needed to give something up, so that's what had to go. I just can't manage an unbelievably crappy work schedule, school, and my medication/sleep needs. Really, work should be working with me but that schedule is not really working with me. I'll speak to my manager soon to see what can be done for next semester. Hopefully I'll be able to go back. If not, I will start looking for a new job, probably outside of the company starting in 2009.

And that's that. (Wipes hands clean... for the moment.)

Tonight I will write my bucket list. I mean, I'm staying in since the weather is horrible and the Phillies aren't finishing the game tonight. I have no interest in leaving my apartment once I get home, I think the only thing I have to do is get gas. Just so I can get all the way home.

Tonight is going to be awesome.

Bucket List

Just call me a whiner. That's fine. But, I've got a laundry list of stuff bothering me right now and I have no idea when or even how to fix some of it.

The first thing I need to fix: my schedule. My meds and sleep schedule. That'll help me with putting other things into perspective. However, I feel like I have to wait until I find out what's up with the Phillies first. Not that I'm complaining about the Phillies being in the World Series... that's awesome. What I'm complaining about more is the lack of flexibility of my job. Normally I don't think it would bother me so much except that I am lacking both sleep and my appropriate dosage of medication. Plus, I've been drinking too much lately as well. So, I won't drink tonight. There's an easy fix for that. And the whole schedule change thing that's coming up.

So... I just have alot on my mind. Not too much that's all that exciting. But all very real issues. I'm going to write a bucket list, I think. And as one of my friends suggested, that should include watching the movie Bucket List. He said it's a good one.

I have a majillion things I want to do in my life and right now I feel like I'm at a standstill. But, I guess I'm not really. I did get my own place recently. That's something pretty big.

Big Girls Don't Cry

Therapy yesterday was enlightening, even if I already knew the answers to the questions posed to me. Except one question... still haven't figured that one out. When did I get the message that my feelings don't matter? That they are wrong no matter what? Everytime I feel something negative, I feel guilty later for it. Or it doesn't last long enough (happiness) for me to even enjoy it. And another question for myself... that did not come up in therapy but has since come up in my afterthoughts... why do I keep getting rejected or continue to get involved with people who just simply don't care how I feel?

Everyone gets rejected from time to time. I realize this. And we're all going to meet some shitty people from time to time. We're all going to get hurt at some point. I know I am not alone in this. However, I am really, truly becoming disillusioned with other people. And I know I don't always treat people right. Usually it ends up being because I don't want to hurt them so I let things drag on longer than they should. Whether it be as friends or as something more. Still, I usually end up taking the high road and confronting the issues head on at some point. I don't just disappear and ignore people. Because I hate when that's done to me.

For me, the bigger question is a complex one. I'm stuck in a trap of sorts. My brain being the one holding me captive. Why do I keep attracting generally shitty people into my life and when I realize they're hurting me I don't just walk away? I have several awesome people in my life, I really do. And I am thankful for them. But, I guess most of this has to do with romantic involvement. My first boyfriend decided my best friend was the person he should cheat with. And she decided it was fine with her. I did confront her as soon as I found out and she had no apologies to offer me. I never did receive an apology for that from her and now she's dead. Not that it hurts anymore... it really doesn't and I do think it's sad she passed away so young. But, that relationship (the friendship) was my one outlet during a terrible time in my life. The environment that first very intense friendship created has become a staple for me. The faces have changed over the years but the pattern has remained the same. I am currently in some very, very healthy friendships with some of the most amazing human beings I believe anyone could have the pleasure of knowing. I guess my prayers were answered afterall. During my six year prison term, I pleaded for some relief. From not only God (and once I basically offered to hand my soul over to the devil, if he would help - maybe he was just faster in responding) but also from my parents and from school officials. I was ignored at the time or made to sound like a liar when my mom was called into the school. I didn't make it up... those years were torture for me.

I don't want to be a whiner and blame everything on my parents. But, I can think of a six year period where I simply didn't matter. I mean, I was clothed and fed and they thought they were doing what was best for me. My parents always, always loved me, I don't doubt that for a minute. But, I spent so much time alone... disconnected... sad... desperate for the complete person in me to matter. In other words, my feelings. I became a freak in those years. Which led me down some strange roads when I turned 18. I made more mistakes in the past ten years than I can count but I guess it's finally time for me to start over.

But I almost don't know where to begin. I want myself to be healthy and I want to know I have the right to not be mistreated. Many of the places I have turned (except in my therapist's office, spiritual direction, and the confessionals at St. John Neumann's) in years past for someone to help me, to care about me as a whole person have been ignored. I want to know that I have a right to my feelings. Good and bad. I want to be able to bridge my logical side with my emotional side in a healthy balance. At this point, my logical side has taken over. My emotional side is completely crippled.

I want to be able to think highly enough of myself that I know eye contact with a stranger won't make them cringe. I don't want to be ignored anymore.

Looks as though I'm answering some of my questions, huh?

Angie

I don't even know her but I made a joke about using her name as my next blog's title. You want to avoid biff then I shall have to mention you in my blog. Don't even actually know if she was avoiding or what. And I rarely mention a name so...

Anyway, well, the steam has finally stopped coming out of my ears over the work schedule thing. I'm still not thrilled but I'll have to make do. Maybe the variety will be good for me. Maybe it will be bad. I am concerned about how it may impact my sleep patterns and mood swings but only time will tell with that. Sorry if bitchy me starts showing up more often, ya'll.

However, a couple people have told me they like angry me more. I kind of think I might too. I seem to get bit in the ass by my sense of morality. Understanding and knowing there are two sides to every story and being understanding about that has left me with the short end of the stick on several occasions now. That does not please me at all. Obviously.

Maybe I should start to be like Beyonce and take on an alter-ego to protect myself while on stage... Sasha Fierce is hers... what shall mine be?

There Goes My Actual Life

And I am pissed off.

Right now I've got one major thing going for me. That I have my own place again. It's a big thing. My job - eh. In 2010 my health benefits are going to turn into crap. But, at least they work around my school and medication schedule so I couldn't be more thankful. Until today. When I've suddenly been informed that I'm going to have to work a messed up weird ass schedule. Forced to because one co-worker whined about being left alone for a few hours two nights a week. On second shift... which is nowhere near as busy as first.

So, here it is:

Every other month I will be working Mondays from 1pm - 9:30. This is so I can get home, take my meds, and get in bed at a decent hour so I can be back at work on Tuesday at 7:30am. Then I can go straight to school, go home, get to bed at a decent hour so I can be back in at 7:30am. On Thursdays and Fridays of that month, though, I will be on second shift - coming in at 3pm. Getting done at 11:30. But, now we have an exception... if I have to be in work at 7am on Saturday I will be working 1pm - 9:30 on Friday.

Yeah... so much for a life/work balance. During the week, every other month, my entire life will be revolving around work. Let's not forget how much OT I work on the weekends too. Oh... and I can't wait to see what happens to my brain when I start messing with my sleep schedule.

Why do I have to start working this stupid schedule? To work around my school schedule and so I start picking up 2nd shift. When I started in this department 3 years ago I was told that if I'm in school, I get to stay on first shift. Now that's changing. And you know why? Because one co-worker whined about the fact that he is here alone for a few hours twice a week.

Thanks, buddy. There may be benefits to this but the fact of the matter is... it sucks. I can think of a few but I don't like this job enough to have to revolve my entire being around it. That's not cool. This isn't supposed to be my career, just a job. I am so very unhappy.

Unpacked

Went to bed early last night. Really early. I guess I must have been pretty tired anyway. I took my meds and before I knew it my eyelids were really, really heavy. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I wanted to write in my journal but couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to even look at it.

So, I'm nearly completely unpacked. All I have left to do before I start making the place how I really want it is some cleaning of the dishes and taking some stuff to Goodwill. Then it's just me fixing it up and making it completely my own. I really need some lamps. And a few other things...

Feeling kind of blah though. A bit out of sorts. Not exactly sure why but some of it is the basic feeling of missing two someones who are no longer in my life. For two very different reasons. It'll pass in time.

I have to get grocery shopping soon and I have to swing by mom and dad's to do my laundry. I'm just about out of pants. I really need to get some new jeans. This is a boring blog, I realize but it's what's up with me right now.

So, Like, Whatever

A really good friend of mine came over last night. First we met up at Chili's and ordered some grub to go. Then she followed me back to my place and we ate and chatted and chilled. Both of us are talkers so at no point was there any awkward or, rather, simply ANY silence at all.

She spoke about her life with kids and a husband. Things are different there than they used to be. But, it's been neat to see her life expand. She was married already when we met but the kids were simply not in the game plan yet. We had plenty of our own good times, drunken mini-adventures back in the day. Also several stupid decisions that we lucked out in getting ourselves out of without too much damage done.

I spoke about my happily single life. And how I'm not exactly looking for more than what I've got right now. I mean, I'm always up for the new in life but I just want to pull it all together for the moment and enjoy it without the pressure of having to answer to anyone. Not that I'm opposed completely to a full blown relationship with someone... I guess I'm just still hoping for more time before that finds it's way into my life. But - we'll see. Never know what tomorrow may bring...

Found

So much can change within just a few days. And it's awesome.

Got a place of my own, got myself moved in, got my self confidence back. Anxiety issues have disappeared nearly completely, for the time being at least. Feeling good about where I am at the moment.

Found myself again. Was lost there for quite a while. Now... onto finding out what a 29 year old me with my own place will do.

Duck and Run

Dammit. So, I had planned on waking up this morning and being myself again. But, it seems that's not going to be the case. At least for the moment. I haven't been for quite a while, it seems. I'm all over the place.

I drove to work listening to one of my favorite songs, repeated it a few times and hoped to have the emotional reaction to it that I was looking for. No avail on that one. I tried but no go. I'm just not feeling well. I think something is very wrong right now. I'm doing some of the little things I used to do before and not much is making complete sense to me. This freakin' sucks.

I had an interesting weekend and several days off of work but I'm still not feeling right. Something inside of me won't "click" back on. I may have to call my doctor, I think. But, I don't want to.

I'm going to be gone until Monday... look forward to hopefully writing a more chipper blog then...

Ideation

Disclaimer: I am not going to kill myself.

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

But I haven't run out of resources yet so don't worry... it just sucks having thoughts about it that you can't stop. Ideation is no fun, even if you know in the deepest part of you that you won't do it. There is a strange relief in it though. I guess it's probably almost like cutting (when I did my cutting, it was different than what other people have described and it didn't last for very long).

I have people whom I think love me and I love them. Though I'm pretty numb and outright disillusioned with feelings right now (whether or not they actually exist in other people and if mine are actually real too). And some of them will read this and get worried. While it's been on my mind, it won't happen.

Fucking hate this shit. And I'm sorry to bring it up but it's what's going on right now.

The Truman Show

Ack. Waking up in the morning with the initial thought "I'm going to hell" and having the overwhelming feeling that you are a terrible person isn't how I like to enjoy my Sunday. But, that's what I got. Things didn't feel real for a while... I was just kind of floating, paying little attention to the movie around me and all of my attention to the fact that I'm horrible. At one point, while driving, I had tunnel vision and couldn't see anything but the road in front of me. All I could do was hope that cigarette went out the window. Did I toss it out? Because I didn't see it.

Reminder that I can't take care of myself, like was repeated to me all those years ago - by not just one person but two. One of them repeating it often enough that I started to believe it. One of them making sure to point out my failure during a crisis time in my life. It's not true but sometimes things run deeper than one wants to admit. I think I do believe it in some way or I'd have no problem making eye contact with strangers. There's a part of me that just exists, trying to forget certain things. And I don't want anyone I don't know seeing how worthless I really am. Pulling the blanket over his head reminded me of that.

So, my heart raced and I panicked. Thought a few times that my throat was just going to randomly close up with no warning and I'd suffocate and die at my desk. Or while driving. Thought a bit more about how I'm going to hell for all eternity and this is just the beginning. Then I remember that rain falls on the good and bad alike, which means the sun does also.

I know where the throat closing idea comes from... my brother had to be taken to the hospital for that when we were young. But, he had mono and I believe strep throat. Watching him throw up copious amounts of blood later drove the point home. He was my hero because he made me feel simply loved and taken care of. I didn't have to do anything to earn it. And he bought me candy bars. Watching your big brother almost stop breathing is scary. I was a kid and things zap your brain during development. I almost forgot about it until I asked myself this morning why I keep worrying about my throat randomly closing up. As for the going to hell stuff, I thank the "religious" period in my life, with all it's reading and reclusiveness and screaming and praying that the pain would stop but it didn't until I read that book mom and dad gave me for Christmas. And even then some of the other pain was still needing to be healed but at least I could start using the heater in my room since maybe I was worth keeping warm.

And that was my Sunday. I really want the apartment I looked at on Friday and anxiety got the best of me.

Reconsider

Confusion occurs regularly for me. I'm starting to wonder how well my medication is actually working. I've been pretty compulsive lately. Bouncing around quite a bit, giving in to fits of extreme anxiety at time. But, I don't want to mess with the meds. I'm happy as long as I'm not having racing thoughts and as long as I get to sleep.

Still - I overslept this morning and missed my spiritual direction appointment. I felt terrible when Sister called and I wasn't even close to waking up, though I did answer the phone. I better shoot her an email tonight.

Why did I oversleep? Partially because I didn't want to go and didn't feel motivated to get up. Partially because I drank a little too much last night. Partially because I simply stayed up too late, sharing a drink with someone who surprised me with a late night text. I was already on my way home when my phone's light came on.

Got a random text this morning as well - from someone a little creepier than I'd like to admit. A guy from match whom I had already deleted from my phone memory. "Wish you would reconsider". I gave him no response and his name is no longer in my phone but I know who it was. And I'm glad I never met him - for a myriad of reasons. Not the least of which revolves around "why are you still thinking of me?".

Lots of Dos Equis

Well, I'll be doing my stomach crunches again today. Took the day off from exercising yesterday because I was hurting. Something fierce. Which was no big surprise since I was a little sore on Wednesday and I chose to ignore that and exercise Wednesday anyway. If I have time tonight, I think I'll go for a bike ride after work.

Looking like things have changed since the last paragraph was written. Turns out after work I'm going to be looking at an apartment. Don't think I'll have time to go for that bike ride... hope this place is the one. It's just time for me to move.

I need my privacy. Big time.

Been breaking into panic lately. It's not normally like me to be scared about the future but I guess what I'm afraid of is not having enough time to enjoy myself. Which sounds stupid. Actually, there's all sorts of different factors in the anxiety. I just have to keep reminding myself what I know to be true... it'll all work out. I have no need to panic. I have faith in that much.

Goodness, that was alot of Dos Equis last night... I guess I'm still a beer fan.

America's chilling future

By Glenn Beck (taken from CNN.com)

Dear America:
Happy 300th Birthday!
It's 2076 and we've just invented the time-fax machine. (Actually, "we" didn't invent the time-fax machine, the State did -- they pretty much control everything now.)
I'm faxing this back to you in 2008 because that seems to be the year we had the best chance to reverse our course and get back to the vision laid out by our founding fathers -- a vision that didn't include the government being in the insurance business.
I don't have a lot of time (the State only gives us one 30-minute break per day) so let me give you some advice: Stop worrying so much about who runs the country and start worrying about who runs your towns, your states, and your Congress.
I know you're all distracted by the presidential election, but for all the money and time poured into it, the truth is that you're choosing between two roads that will lead you to the same destination. Sure, one may be the Autobahn and the other a two-lane highway, but you'll end up at the same place either way.
Decades of Republicans and Democrats alike have all chipped in to lead you to where you are today. Believing that one person, from either party, can change that by themselves is a big mistake.
Presidents are like captains of a large ship: They can map out a course and shout out orders, but without the trust and hard work of the people who actually move the rudders, their commands mean nothing.
In retrospect, the lack of trust and confidence you now have in your leaders was really the root cause of everything that's happened since. While our founding fathers designed a brilliant system of checks and balances, separation of powers and democratic elections, trust was the one thing they couldn't mandate in the Constitution.
Unfortunately, it's also the foundation upon which everything else is built and once it began to erode, our whole house inevitably began to crumble.
Looking back now, it's pretty obvious that our trust in government declined at about the same rate as our partisanship increased. People became so concerned about getting their party into power at any cost that the truth didn't even seem to matter anymore.
That's probably one of the reasons why George Washington hated the idea of political parties so much. Here's what he said about them in his 1796 farewell speech:
"The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries which result gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of public liberty."
I know that George had a habit for using big words, so allow me to translate into 2008 English: Political parties that put their own success over that of the country's will be the death of America.
If you don't believe him yet, just wait a few more years...you're about to see firsthand how right he was. After all, if power corrupts, then the kind of absolute power gained by political parties (and feared by Washington) corrupts absolutely.
The best advice I can give you is to stop thinking in terms of left and right and start thinking in terms of right and wrong. Demand the best leaders possible, and then demand the best out of them.
Believe me, when you see what's coming your way, you'll realize how little the donkey and the elephant really ever mattered. Oh and while we're on politics, one quick thing that I'm sure you're curious about: Yes, Robert Byrd is still in the Senate. He's 159, but doesn't look a day over 91.
Now, let's talk about the economy. Let me see if I have this right: Money and power made people greedy, so you decided to hand over a bunch of money and power to greedy politicians instead. Smart! After using that money to nationalize a bunch of banks, mortgage companies and insurance companies, they moved on to bigger things.
The airlines came first -- we just couldn't live without them. Then it was the automakers (Detroit would've died), health care (they said they could manage it better), and eventually, the oil companies (I'm not sure where all of those "windfall profits" have gone).
The idea behind it all (an idea that was eventually turned into law with the passage of the Securities Exchange Act of 2011) was to "socialize losses" by spreading them out among all taxpayers. The pain, our leaders argued, would be minimal that way.
They were right. At least until the bills came due. See, we didn't actually have any of the money we were promising everyone; we were borrowing it.
It didn't take long before so many of our tax dollars were going toward interest payments that we couldn't fund even the most basic of government programs without massive tax increases on everyone. People now work most of the year just to pay Uncle Sam (or, as we now call him, "Comrade Sam").
I hear the State censors coming, so let me leave you with a few other quick things:
• Good call on not worrying about protecting our borders. That works out really well for you in 2019.
• You might want to spend a little less time worrying about carbon and a little more time worrying about Iran. We're now in a new mini-Ice Age but, believe me, Iran isn't using their nukes to warm any homes. (PS The International Atomic Energy Agency just revealed to you that Iran appears to be refitting their long-range missiles to carry nuclear payloads. Did you think they were joking or were you just too busy with lipsticks and pigs to notice?)
• The currency of the future is energy. Those who have it are thriving and those who don't -- well, let's just leave it at that. Drill for all the oil you can, but you also better start seriously looking for some other options.
In closing, remember this golden rule and you should be fine: Your Constitution will never fail you, but your leaders will. Be wary of anyone who tries to convince you that it's the other way around.
Best wishes (you're going to need them),
Worker 2744A
PS It's not all socialist doom and gloom here in the future. We just thawed Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen body and he hit 87 home runs for the North Team!
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the writer.

Average and Fair

Welcome back. And that's all I have to say about that. With a smile.

Did some tests in my class last night. Situps and pushups. One minute of each and how many can I do? Right now I'm average and fair. Though I have to retry the situps when I'm not wearing jeans on a gym floor. The belt loop was pressing into my lower back and it messed up my flow. Though I do have to say that when it came to the pushups, I was dead on and I'm surprised to be "average". They weren't easy. I haven't worked my upper body in a really long time. As for my resting heart rate, I'm good to go. I now know what rate my heart has to be at to get the maximum benefits from exercise.

All this gives me some new goals. I had a bunch of them anyway. But I'm going to get to superior with at least the situps. I know I used to be that easily and I will be again. When it comes to exercise and diet... I refuse to ever starve myself ever again to get skinny. If I stay with a bit of meat on me so be it. But, maybe once I stay active again, I won't have to worry so much about not eating the fried foods all that often.