Ready

Restless - that's me. After weeks and weeks of not dating anyone, I'm starting to really want to start up the whole dating thing again. As I told Biff last night... I want a boyfriend - RIGHT NOW. Like, right this very minute. Poof! I want him to be here.

But - actually, that's not exactly completely totally true. I just want to be out there again. I don't want the boyfriend until I find the right guy to welcome into my life that way. Welcome someone all the way in.

Meanwhile, I have this guy friend who I was IMing with earlier today. He told me exactly what I've heard plenty of times before. That he finds it really hard to believe that it's hard for me to find someone. I've heard this from multiple friends, mostly male. He gave me a list of reasons why... yet... still... nope. And I appreciate the input and the complimentary conversation we were having. Is it really that I don't look around enough? Is it that I'm intimidating in some way that I am completely unaware of? I think it's because of my lack of an eye contact and smile technique. I'm still scared to do this but tomorrow night, when I go out... I'm going to just let it go... going to just do it. Hopefully there will be someone around to do it towards... otherwise Spice might start feeling uncomfortable because I'll only be able to practice on her.

And I'm going back to match. Soon. Match is fun. And the guys aren't all deadbeats like on POF. (Ok, maybe that shouldn't be a full blanket statement but neither Spice nor I had any truly good luck with that sight. I'm not even talking about finding "the one", I'm just talking about finding someone who is worth finding.)

We'll see. Hopefully tomorrow night I can get the ball rolling.

Amazing Grace

by John Newton (1725–1807) - afterword written by me.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.



I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for prayers that have appeared to have gone unanswered, the "no" quietly whispered in end results I could not see from afar. I am thankful for those who read this... I am thankful for the ability to write. I am thankful for the ability to read. To see, to speak, to hear, to think. I am thankful for my life as it is... even if it's not always what I dreamt it to be (yet). I am thankful for hope, even if the glimmer is so small it can barely be seen. I am thankful for the prayers that have been answered... and for those yet to be.

The Cycle

We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
This rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

- Self Esteem, The Offspring

I don't have this problem, exactly (anymore). But, self esteem... I know mine doesn't reside where it should be. All I can do is work on it. Yet, as I ponder working on it, I realized I don't actually, exactly know what it is. And I have no idea how to fix it if I can't find it. I picture it being like a balloon that needs to be blown up. But - I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to be filling it with. Get me?

So, I bought a book. The Psychology of Self Esteem. It's helping me to clarify. Simply put. And there's an aspect I hadn't thought of but I'm starting to understand it a little bit better. The aspect of going against your conscience and going against productivity (which, for people like me, is attached to a matter of conscience) will lower one's self esteem. Basically, people, start living right. Most of us have the idea of what's right and what's wrong... the only question is... how often do we ignore and do whatever out of laziness or out of spite or out of all sorts of ugly motives? Instant gratification much? Lower self esteem.

The problem that I'm seeing with it as I begin realizing how I've affected myself deeply with all my bad choices, time and time again and the reality of how it is a vicious cycle. You don't do right when you're feeling bad enough about yourself because you're looking for whatever temporary relief you can get. Sometimes you lean on the bottle or on drugs or whatever. I've never had a drug problem but Lord knows I've clung to the bottle for dear life at times. For long, extended times some of that time. And once you do that, you're drunk... you make bad choices... you lose your drive to do better. So.. you don't. And your self esteem suffers - then you drink - and then you make more bad choices and so on and so forth.

Last night, I watched the finale of Dancing with the Stars (I've gotten the basic channels now... I have to admit it's kind of nice) and I found myself crying... tears streaming down my face for Kelly Osbourne. I don't think I was alone... one of the judges told her that no other contestant on the show ever touched her so deeply before. She was choked up when she said it. Here's a young woman whom I feel I can understand to a degree. She struggles to stay sober because it's easier to just drink and forget it. But - she started working her ass off for the show. Completely and totally and her self confidence started to show through. It's hard to not be proud of yourself when you've really, truly worked for something. She worked and she received recognition. Hopefully this will inspire her to keep working hard, keeping working toward other goals - to keep her away from the bottle. Hopefully she's broken out of the tough cycle to break.

One step at a time, one day at a time. One moment at a time and one choice at a time. Not going against what I know is right for me, not going against what I know will get me to my goals... and before I know it, I'll have what I've been working for.

Random Thought #9

"Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it."

-taken from a forward

Back To Life

The twists and turns that life provides are enough to send anyone reeling. They are sometimes enough to make you want to give up. Sometimes the turns are so sharp, you can feel completely out of control... and sometimes you are. Sometimes you're careening down a winding road and go flying into the embankment. If you're lucky, you don' t end up living out a Misery-esque experience but rather, you awake to find yourself able to get the car right back on the road. Back on the path, if you will.

I'm back to living. I felt, for almost a full week, like I was giving up. My apartment looks like a bomb hit it and my mood did have a bomb hit it. My workout routine flew out the window while I've spent most of my time trying to stay in the window. (Indoors, that is.) I'm still preparing to defend myself but I refuse to keep going as it's been for the last few days. Sure, from now on, I have to keep my eyes open just a little wider and I have to keep walking with my safety notch turned all the way up but I refuse to let it stop me from living for one minute more.

I did some reading about what I've been experiencing. It could easily and completely break me down if I let it. I refuse. I'm getting back to life and this is where I'll stay. I've come too far along this dirty and rocky road to stop hoping that just up around that bend, just one hundred feet away, is pavement which will provide me with a much smoother ride. I will always expect potholes but I will not expect that I can't go around at least some of them, some of the time.

How We Can Be Cool

I am finding it quite odd - the whole last week of my existence. Something feels broken, quite a bit. Yet, something else (two somethings, actually) feels fixed. I am still worn out. I am tired. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm stressed out about the Little Boy situation. I could beat someone senseless for the way I've been feeling. Long showers were put on hold and I've been dawdling whenever I get home at the idea of walking back out the front door once I am there.

But - this is what he/she/it wants. I can't let it be the case. I have to go back to living my life again without hesitation.

That which is fixed? At least now I know I really care about myself. Sounds strange, I know but the whole struggle to want to defend myself, if necessary, made me well aware that I'm not ready to go anywhere. And - this one is not exactly a shock to me, it's just a matter of fact - I'm finding myself wanting to be at peace with everyone. Even those who have wronged me in the past. Because none of them - not one - has ever made me fear the way the last week has. Not that I'll put up with other people's crap anymore - quite the opposite, really. However, instead of waiting it out and not saying anything, I'll say something right away. The mind gets too clouded otherwise.

As for finding peace: here's how I see it - I have done wrong and I have been rejected and I've been tossed to the side and I've been a punching bag and I've been all sorts of things, not only to others but to myself - if I can forgive myself for being human, then surely I can forgive them too. Still, it's not in my realm of "human" to go around scaring someone, causing them to fear for their safety. All of us can be moody, bitchy, assholes at times. Some of us don't have control over certain aspects of ourselves - I fully believe this. I don't want to deal with everyone's crap - don't get me wrong - but what I do want to do is learn how to live and love others, regardless of their "differentiation" status. Don't think, for one minute though, that it means everyone falls into my loving arms - it just means that I want real, genuine, lasting peace in my life. You come around fucking that up at this point, I'll have no problem just not coming around. You don't make an effort toward me - I'll have no problem just not bothering. But - if we mutually want the same thing - it's cool. Faults and all, it's cool. As long as you're genuine, we cool. Get it?

This all makes me feel less broken, even when my life is feeling so clearly, remarkably out of my own control.

Peace Quote #5

Ok... now that I got that off my chest (yesterday's blog)... back to our regularly scheduled program...



"If being wealthy is taken to mean having the means to satisfy one's every want, all but the very poor can become rich as thou at a single stroke of a magician's wand, simply by ceasing to want more than is really necessary for sustaining life. By being content with little and not giving a rap for what the neighbours think, one can attain a very large measure of freedom, shedding care and worry in a trice."

-John Blofeld

Little Boy

You want to fuck with me? Fine. You want to be such a little man that you are going to go around scaring girls? Fine. You can't handle rejection, even when it's done gently? Fine. I will have no issue being hard on you from here on out. You want to key my car? Wow... brave boy. You're trying to express your pain, I suppose. What a stupid fucking way you have about you. You might want to look into a more positive way to vent your emotions. Or, even, and here's a shocker... learn how to realize when your pain is completely irrational and you're blowing shit way out of proportion. You're supposed to be a man, you're nothing but a child. And that's even giving you more maturity credit than you deserve. You want to come knocking on my door? I'm waiting for you to do it again. Make no mistake about this, motherfucker, you continue to make me feel like I've got something to fear (making me feel something won't constitute me wasting my time acting on it, necessarily, you stupid little bitch), any pacifist ways that I tend to be inclined to will go right out the window. You threaten me, you threaten anyone I love (or, hell, even remotely care about - or anyone - for that matter)... don't even get me started. You act on any said threats, you better be prepared to be burned. I'm not so stupid as to think that I can win any fight but one against a pussy like you? I have to believe I've got one hell of a chance.

You come around again. I see you... I will report it. You get more aggressive than that? I will be vigilant and I will be willing. Don't think you can ruin my peace of mind just because I'm on guard now. I'm not alone in this, asshole, I've got plenty of people ready to help me defend me. And I'd do the same for them. Evil, LITTLE twisted fucks like you don't stand a chance against those fighting for that which they love. One more thing... anything really terrible happens to me... everyone knows your name and now we also know your history. Bitch.

Blue Ribbon

by Helice Bridges

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.

She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each of them how they had made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference'" on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you.

My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I have been contemplating suicide, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I know you care."

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life. The young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson.

Who you are DOES make a difference.

The Air of Catalano

"We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life's morning; for what in the morning was true will in evening become a lie."
-- C.G. Jung

For several years, I would have said something not so flattering - here and there and everywhere. But, time passes and you start to forget, you're left with well wishing and a small smile. Then you're actually overcome with happiness to discover their happiness. You look forward to what they're looking forward to.

My high school sweetheart stopped by my work today to drop something off. He had spent time overseas, a little time in both Afghanistan and Iraq and my co-workers sent him care packages. He presented them with a flag that flew over there, it was really nice. The whole situation was nice.

What I would have said years ago (probably over a decade now) would not have been flattering. I most likely would never have signed him up back then to receive the packages. At the time, some of the trash talk was actually truth but in the landscape of time comes other truths, other things you begin to notice and see with age. Understanding of how everything went - my own faults and his too get added to the mix and make the story somehow different than it was back then. Anger, hurt, I barely remember these but I know they existed at one point. Very deeply but no more. There aren't even scars left behind. But - when someone says to me (after his departure) "He is gorgeous, is he married?" And I can easily say "yes" with a genuine smile. "Too bad," was her response. I chuckled. I spent three years with him, that was enough for me. Still - there is that bit of pride. As Spice once said, after seeing some old photos, "He's a total Jordan Catalano." Yeah, it creates a strange sense of pride but one worth feeling good about because all I've got left there is part of my story... and at least that part is now beautiful in it's own way.

Solitude or Isolation?

It creeps in at the most unforeseen moments. Or, sometimes, they are foreseen. In the act of solitude one may feel the twinge of loneliness. I have recently made the active choice to not actively seek dating. I'm not looking at the moment. And I haven't been looking for quite a few moments. Yet - even though this is MY choice... I still can't help but feel it once in a while. Loneliness. Not of the friendship kind or the family kind. Not of the every minute kind or of the every hour kind or even the everyday kind. Rather, just of the creep up on me here and there kind.

It's been mostly when I'm at home. Or I'm heading home. And when I realize it's coming, I run away to do anything to avoid it. Well, almost anything... I'm still not looking. Recently, in with my spiritual director as well as my therapist, we've talked about it. I've been looking to create more "me" time. Time at home to do the things I enjoy. Writing, reading, cooking, baking... movies and TV shows on DVD. Solitude. What I didn't think of when deciding I wanted more of this was the prospect of occasional bouts of loneliness. My spiritual director pointed out the difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation means prevalent and regular, almost constant loneliness. Solitude not so much. Just the occasional pangs. The other difference between the two... isolation takes you out of the world. Solitude means you are still a part of it, just living in it alone - at times. Isolation cuts you off, solitude integrates you.

So - I'm trying to learn to deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean not to begin to lean on those things I've used as crutches in the past. Crutches which have lead me astray at times. Is it working? I don't know yet. Won't know until it happens again, in the sense that it frightens me. Time will tell.

Is solitude working? Yes. I'm chillin' a whole bunch more than I used to. Still could use a few more nights at home than what I'm taking right now but I'll figure that out. I'm on a decent path at the moment, just don't want to derail and end up lost in the woods again.

Random Thought #8

"There is a great need for sarcasm font. "

-taken from a forward

Keyed

Keys have the ability to scrap paint. Ahh - we already know this. Over a year ago, I thought my car had been keyed. A co-worker came outside with me to look at it. Nope, it was just tar across the side of my car door. No big deal. Whew!

However - yesterday, I noticed a white scratch in my paint. Three small ones on the side. It crossed my mind momentarily that maybe someone keyed my vehicle. Then I just assumed it was a scratch from something else. Denial, maybe. Wrong, definitely. Last night, after running an errand for a friend's baby shower gift, I went to mom and dad's to wash my clothes. I was getting out of the car, pulling out my laundry basket and my recyclables. The recyclables were light and in paper and plastic so I placed them on my trunk. At just that moment, in the same moment I was grabbing my laundry basket... I noticed the scratch; long, white and twisted around to make it that much longer. All I could manage to say was "this is bullshit".

Someone had a good time on my trunk. Someone damaged my stuff. Not cool, y'all. Not cool at all. Is it someone I know? Is it not someone I know? Was it random or could this be part of a much bigger problem? Was this nothing more than an isolated incident involving someone I know? Is it someone who knows of me even if I don't know them... hmm...

Probably random, either way, disappointing. Come on - there's no need to damage other people's stuff. What kind of thrill does it really give you? And if it's someone who's trying to upset me... well... you've damaged my paint job... good for you. It's malicious, yes. Stupid, yes. Making me cry, I don't think so. Making me boil on the inside, nope.

Sadly, you waste your time on bullshit.

Like the Hot Ovens

Ahhh... I screwed up. I drank too much this weekend, drank too much when I knew I had stuff bothering me. Drank too much and lost control of what I had control over. Namely, my mood. By tomorrow (or at the latest - Wednesday) I should be back to normal. Until then, I plan to keep my mouth shut. Just about everything. No complaints, no condemning. Just going to leave it all be. I wish I hadn't made the mistake but I was fighting off something. Fighting off a few things and I fell into an old pattern.

Dammit. And all I can say is "this too shall pass", even if I don't believe it 100% of the time. What if feeling like this is permanent? (It's not... but when you're feeling it in your chest and down your arms, it feels like it might be forever... even though you know it's not.)

I'll go through the motions tonight and make my way to bed at a decent hour. That way, tomorrow, just maybe, I can wake up and remember the last couple days as nothing more than a distant dream. Much like that hot oven dream I had on Saturday night. My apartment was lucky to have not gone up in flames, in the dream, I remember that much... weird.

Peace Quote #4

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- Jackson Brown and H. Jackson Brown, JR

The Fifth Day of November

Yay! My scale said I was back in my usual three pound range this morning. I mean, I'd really be cheering it up if it had actually started going down, out of my usual three pound range. But... in time.

Funny how quiet things are today... after last night's loss... but - even if they didn't win the World Series, they're still champs. They still got farther along than everyone but the Yankees roster. That's still something to smile about.

Congratulations, Yankees and to your fans too.

Short and Stout

My dad is right. It happens. And it's frustrating but it does happen. I'm a little perplexed by it but then again - maybe I'm not. We'll find out tomorrow when I get back on my scale. Today it went up by a whole pound. And I've been working out - rather hardcore, if I do say so myself. My scale is officially (again) at the highest it's ever been. Today, I stepped out of the 3 pound range I should be in, based on the idea that the average person's weight fluctuates within a 3 pound range most of the time.

Today Fed Ex should be dropping off my new mirror as well. A full length one so that I can see myself from top to bottom. I honestly believe that if I had a mirror during the last year, (besides the one in my bathroom that has a Funhouse effect once you hit a certain spot in the glass, thank God I'm short or I'd be looking at a deformed version of my head each day - and this particular mirror is only for the top half anyway), I wouldn't have gone this far overboard.

I was hanging with one of my girls last night (her alias has yet to be determined) and we discussed the issue at hand. She and I sometimes take a decent amount of time between seeing each other. Not because we don't want to, we just live opposite lives (work-wise). And she was willing to be completely honest with me. She said a few months ago, after one of our long breaks, she looked at me and thought "oh my... she's gotten rounder". We laughed. Because it's true. She's someone who's seen me when I'm at my "normal" weight... when I'm a much smaller size than where I am now. The fact is... while I'm acting obsessed about it, I've got a big job on my hands. And most of my focus at the moment rests in this one goal. I've had this weight on me for somewhere within a six month to one year range. My mom said she thinks it happened right after I moved into my new place. Maybe...

Other goals to follow soon...

Live Now

- By John & Patrice Robson

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
-- Annie Dillard

We lose the power of the moment because we're so rarely in it. We're reliving the past or speculating about the future. We continue to believe that tomorrow's the day when I'll be more capable, more wealthy, more fit and more loving. Meanwhile, I'm just putting in time, dreaming of better things but not making any concrete move to realize them.

When you find yourself thinking of the future or the past, bring your awareness into the present moment. Really experience how you feel and what's happening around you, without judgment. If we can treasure each moment, our lives will be rich, no matter what we have accomplished.

"Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered for they are gone forever."
-- Horace Mann

"If, before going to bed every night, you will tear a page from the calendar, and remark, 'there goes another day of my life, never to return,' you will become time conscious."
-- A. B. Zu Tavern

Weepy But Not Weeping

I find it funny how just when I'm going to finally take time for myself... my time goes right out the window. And pressure starts pressing down on the shoulders. Much of what I'm talking about is work related but not all of it. Sadly, what is work related started worming it's way into my other relationships. Luckily, I kept reminding myself that this is a no-go in my life. Work stays at work. Unless it's a social thing.

Suddenly, in the last week I've found myself feeling two emotions regularly... one, I've been feeling instantly bitchy at times. Kind of showing up whenever it wanted and making a point of letting others know that they're annoying me. Sadly, it's not that they're really annoying me though - it's that I'm just feeling generally annoyed. When I don't get to do my thing in the order in which I like, I'm discombobulated for the rest of the day. Routine, I guess you could say. Two, I've been getting crazy weepy. Not crying weepy, just choked up. On Saturday, seeing the kids out getting their candy made me choked up, over and over. And forget it during the game - I am still surprised I didn't start crying. Harry Kalas almost got some more tears. And MJ did actually get some real tears from me in the beginning of the movie.

I wouldn't say these are mood swings. Maybe it's just PMS plus having a pile of work that's finally, just now, getting a smidge smaller. Unlike my scale, btw. I guess I shouldn't expect too much after just one week but I want to see that weight off - NOW. Ok... I'm willing to wait it out and feel a sense of accomplishment from it. I'm willing to be the dreaded "p" word.

Patient.

Father Forgets

by W. Livingston Larned condensed as in "Readers Digest"

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye, Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive-and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightended with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding-this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy-a little boy!"

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.