The Cycle

We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
This rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

- Self Esteem, The Offspring

I don't have this problem, exactly (anymore). But, self esteem... I know mine doesn't reside where it should be. All I can do is work on it. Yet, as I ponder working on it, I realized I don't actually, exactly know what it is. And I have no idea how to fix it if I can't find it. I picture it being like a balloon that needs to be blown up. But - I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to be filling it with. Get me?

So, I bought a book. The Psychology of Self Esteem. It's helping me to clarify. Simply put. And there's an aspect I hadn't thought of but I'm starting to understand it a little bit better. The aspect of going against your conscience and going against productivity (which, for people like me, is attached to a matter of conscience) will lower one's self esteem. Basically, people, start living right. Most of us have the idea of what's right and what's wrong... the only question is... how often do we ignore and do whatever out of laziness or out of spite or out of all sorts of ugly motives? Instant gratification much? Lower self esteem.

The problem that I'm seeing with it as I begin realizing how I've affected myself deeply with all my bad choices, time and time again and the reality of how it is a vicious cycle. You don't do right when you're feeling bad enough about yourself because you're looking for whatever temporary relief you can get. Sometimes you lean on the bottle or on drugs or whatever. I've never had a drug problem but Lord knows I've clung to the bottle for dear life at times. For long, extended times some of that time. And once you do that, you're drunk... you make bad choices... you lose your drive to do better. So.. you don't. And your self esteem suffers - then you drink - and then you make more bad choices and so on and so forth.

Last night, I watched the finale of Dancing with the Stars (I've gotten the basic channels now... I have to admit it's kind of nice) and I found myself crying... tears streaming down my face for Kelly Osbourne. I don't think I was alone... one of the judges told her that no other contestant on the show ever touched her so deeply before. She was choked up when she said it. Here's a young woman whom I feel I can understand to a degree. She struggles to stay sober because it's easier to just drink and forget it. But - she started working her ass off for the show. Completely and totally and her self confidence started to show through. It's hard to not be proud of yourself when you've really, truly worked for something. She worked and she received recognition. Hopefully this will inspire her to keep working hard, keeping working toward other goals - to keep her away from the bottle. Hopefully she's broken out of the tough cycle to break.

One step at a time, one day at a time. One moment at a time and one choice at a time. Not going against what I know is right for me, not going against what I know will get me to my goals... and before I know it, I'll have what I've been working for.