Peace Quote #5

Ok... now that I got that off my chest (yesterday's blog)... back to our regularly scheduled program...



"If being wealthy is taken to mean having the means to satisfy one's every want, all but the very poor can become rich as thou at a single stroke of a magician's wand, simply by ceasing to want more than is really necessary for sustaining life. By being content with little and not giving a rap for what the neighbours think, one can attain a very large measure of freedom, shedding care and worry in a trice."

-John Blofeld

Little Boy

You want to fuck with me? Fine. You want to be such a little man that you are going to go around scaring girls? Fine. You can't handle rejection, even when it's done gently? Fine. I will have no issue being hard on you from here on out. You want to key my car? Wow... brave boy. You're trying to express your pain, I suppose. What a stupid fucking way you have about you. You might want to look into a more positive way to vent your emotions. Or, even, and here's a shocker... learn how to realize when your pain is completely irrational and you're blowing shit way out of proportion. You're supposed to be a man, you're nothing but a child. And that's even giving you more maturity credit than you deserve. You want to come knocking on my door? I'm waiting for you to do it again. Make no mistake about this, motherfucker, you continue to make me feel like I've got something to fear (making me feel something won't constitute me wasting my time acting on it, necessarily, you stupid little bitch), any pacifist ways that I tend to be inclined to will go right out the window. You threaten me, you threaten anyone I love (or, hell, even remotely care about - or anyone - for that matter)... don't even get me started. You act on any said threats, you better be prepared to be burned. I'm not so stupid as to think that I can win any fight but one against a pussy like you? I have to believe I've got one hell of a chance.

You come around again. I see you... I will report it. You get more aggressive than that? I will be vigilant and I will be willing. Don't think you can ruin my peace of mind just because I'm on guard now. I'm not alone in this, asshole, I've got plenty of people ready to help me defend me. And I'd do the same for them. Evil, LITTLE twisted fucks like you don't stand a chance against those fighting for that which they love. One more thing... anything really terrible happens to me... everyone knows your name and now we also know your history. Bitch.

Blue Ribbon

by Helice Bridges

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.

She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each of them how they had made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference'" on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you.

My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I have been contemplating suicide, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I know you care."

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life. The young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson.

Who you are DOES make a difference.

The Air of Catalano

"We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life's morning; for what in the morning was true will in evening become a lie."
-- C.G. Jung

For several years, I would have said something not so flattering - here and there and everywhere. But, time passes and you start to forget, you're left with well wishing and a small smile. Then you're actually overcome with happiness to discover their happiness. You look forward to what they're looking forward to.

My high school sweetheart stopped by my work today to drop something off. He had spent time overseas, a little time in both Afghanistan and Iraq and my co-workers sent him care packages. He presented them with a flag that flew over there, it was really nice. The whole situation was nice.

What I would have said years ago (probably over a decade now) would not have been flattering. I most likely would never have signed him up back then to receive the packages. At the time, some of the trash talk was actually truth but in the landscape of time comes other truths, other things you begin to notice and see with age. Understanding of how everything went - my own faults and his too get added to the mix and make the story somehow different than it was back then. Anger, hurt, I barely remember these but I know they existed at one point. Very deeply but no more. There aren't even scars left behind. But - when someone says to me (after his departure) "He is gorgeous, is he married?" And I can easily say "yes" with a genuine smile. "Too bad," was her response. I chuckled. I spent three years with him, that was enough for me. Still - there is that bit of pride. As Spice once said, after seeing some old photos, "He's a total Jordan Catalano." Yeah, it creates a strange sense of pride but one worth feeling good about because all I've got left there is part of my story... and at least that part is now beautiful in it's own way.

Solitude or Isolation?

It creeps in at the most unforeseen moments. Or, sometimes, they are foreseen. In the act of solitude one may feel the twinge of loneliness. I have recently made the active choice to not actively seek dating. I'm not looking at the moment. And I haven't been looking for quite a few moments. Yet - even though this is MY choice... I still can't help but feel it once in a while. Loneliness. Not of the friendship kind or the family kind. Not of the every minute kind or of the every hour kind or even the everyday kind. Rather, just of the creep up on me here and there kind.

It's been mostly when I'm at home. Or I'm heading home. And when I realize it's coming, I run away to do anything to avoid it. Well, almost anything... I'm still not looking. Recently, in with my spiritual director as well as my therapist, we've talked about it. I've been looking to create more "me" time. Time at home to do the things I enjoy. Writing, reading, cooking, baking... movies and TV shows on DVD. Solitude. What I didn't think of when deciding I wanted more of this was the prospect of occasional bouts of loneliness. My spiritual director pointed out the difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation means prevalent and regular, almost constant loneliness. Solitude not so much. Just the occasional pangs. The other difference between the two... isolation takes you out of the world. Solitude means you are still a part of it, just living in it alone - at times. Isolation cuts you off, solitude integrates you.

So - I'm trying to learn to deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean not to begin to lean on those things I've used as crutches in the past. Crutches which have lead me astray at times. Is it working? I don't know yet. Won't know until it happens again, in the sense that it frightens me. Time will tell.

Is solitude working? Yes. I'm chillin' a whole bunch more than I used to. Still could use a few more nights at home than what I'm taking right now but I'll figure that out. I'm on a decent path at the moment, just don't want to derail and end up lost in the woods again.

Random Thought #8

"There is a great need for sarcasm font. "

Keyed

Keys have the ability to scrap paint. Ahh - we already know this. Over a year ago, I thought my car had been keyed. A co-worker came outside with me to look at it. Nope, it was just tar across the side of my car door. No big deal. Whew!

However - yesterday, I noticed a white scratch in my paint. Three small ones on the side. It crossed my mind momentarily that maybe someone keyed my vehicle. Then I just assumed it was a scratch from something else. Denial, maybe. Wrong, definitely. Last night, after running an errand for a friend's baby shower gift, I went to mom and dad's to wash my clothes. I was getting out of the car, pulling out my laundry basket and my recyclables. The recyclables were light and in paper and plastic so I placed them on my trunk. At just that moment, in the same moment I was grabbing my laundry basket... I noticed the scratch; long, white and twisted around to make it that much longer. All I could manage to say was "this is bullshit".

Someone had a good time on my trunk. Someone damaged my stuff. Not cool, y'all. Not cool at all. Is it someone I know? Is it not someone I know? Was it random or could this be part of a much bigger problem? Was this nothing more than an isolated incident involving someone I know? Is it someone who knows of me even if I don't know them... hmm...

Probably random, either way, disappointing. Come on - there's no need to damage other people's stuff. What kind of thrill does it really give you? And if it's someone who's trying to upset me... well... you've damaged my paint job... good for you. It's malicious, yes. Stupid, yes. Making me cry, I don't think so. Making me boil on the inside, nope.

Sadly, you waste your time on bullshit.