Brachioradalis

Once in a while, someone comes along that dashes your hopes. Dashes everything you are hoping to be and everything you are working toward. Within seconds they can manage to turn your future into a hope for nothing. A hope worth avoiding, a hope worth giving up on. They can tell you how hard it is going to be and how you have to pay for your own benefits.

Yes, I am aware of this.

And then you ask yourself... what about the faith you felt yesterday or earlier or even this morning? How can one person, close to you or not, wipe that away? With one small brush of the hand - like a streak of blue in a sunset? A painter painting away his thoughts, his hopes, his desire to keep going?

Is it time to hang it up?

For some, the answer very well may be yes. For me, no. Does it make me want to go back to the drawing board? Yes. Will I? No.

Because just as sure as I am that I have a brachioradalis, I am sure that she or he or it does too. That thing that says "no, you can't" because deep down inside he or she or it does not want you to. The reason for not wanting you to? Because they didn't. Because you only live once... and security (or the illusion of) is all that matters.

Right?

Writing certain things down in my blog helps me to memorize... any clue which word I might mean? I have no choice but to keep going. Happiness and peace and love and my writing depend on it. My life - and all I will leave behind and pass on - depend on the future I have been waiting upon.

I refuse to give up.

Donkey In the Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, hat the well needed to be covered anyway and that it just wasn't worth retrieving the donkey. So he invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quietened down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.The Author: Unknown

Step By Step

Breaking it down into little pieces, a day by day plan for the next seven days at least... studying has proven to be a bit harder than I expected but with my new idea on how to handle things... I kind of feel like I should be ok. Does that mean I'll be ready by September? I will have to let you know. At this rate it's looking more like October.

I have been spending alot of my mental time thinking about what I may want to offer as a personal trainer besides just the basic personal training in your home. I want to do a bootcamp on the weekends or in the evenings. Or both. I also want to offer recipes, snack and meal plans. How about some weekend day trips full of exercise goodness? I would like to show some folks out there that working out is not simply jumping on a cardio machine or hitting their weights. It's simply about moving and enjoying.

Last night I had a dream - and I don't mean the ever elusive dream - the one in your mind's eye... I mean the woke up from it because it was sort of intense. I woke up thinking "that's a really good idea". I'm thinking... maybe, just maybe, I will offer a family rate. In other words, helping out entire families so they can do the getting in shape and losing weight thing together. Maybe? Maybe.

There is alot that can be done but for now, step by step, I'm making my way to the test.

Dock Street

http://www.examiner.com/x-16529-Philadelphia-Restaurant-Events-Examiner~y2010m7d27-2010-University-City-Dining-Days-Dock-Street

Random Thought #20

"Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying."
-from a forward

Unlike Alice

“Through loyalty to the past, our mind refuses to realize that tomorrow's joy is possible only if today's makes way for it; that each wave owes the beauty of its line only to the withdrawal of the preceding one.”
- Andre Gide

Life is change. There's no way around it. Even if you try to sit still and do not rock the boat, life will change anyway. Yet, ruts exist. Strange that both can live simultaneously in one person's life at the same time. I would be willing to guess and even bet that most people have a little of both at almost all times. Where is your life at a standstill and where is your life rushing along - almost faster than you can sometimes consume?

Closing doors so that others will open is critical in a well lived life but so often we are looking at the closed door for so long, we fail to realize that the other door is beckoning us. After lots of hemming and hawing, we finally shut it and turn around to see a teeny, tiny door that we have to get through. Unfortunately, though - unlike Alice - we do not have the quick fix of a potion or a cookie. We will have work to do before we can get through that door. Here, in this all but empty room. We have to fill it with our needs. We have to fill it with skills and, hopefully, some well earned wisdom too. We have to learn how not to run back to that other door and open it back up again.

We will give in, however, once in a while. We will go reopen that other door because it is just THAT much easier to stay put. Or so we think. Sometimes we will be able to go back - most of the time, though, we will have found that we no longer fit in that world and we will choose to go back to the empty room that is slowly filling with knowledge about how to get through a teeny, tiny door. Much, we will find, has to do with opportunity mixed with all that learning. Timing - some might say.

At other times, we will discover that we cannot get back through the other door. Someone has locked you out and you no longer have the key. You left it sitting on the counter so someone else could scoop it up when the time was or is right.

Life is full of rooms - it's really up to you how many of them you choose to explore willingly and how many will be forced on you. Either way, when you find yourself excited for the change or you find yourself angry about the change - things will and must grow anyway. Even if you decide to live in a rut, you will still grow older. Maybe not wiser but older and when you look in the mirror, you will see the inevitable; that which you tried to avoid - a transformation.

Narcolepsy Avoided

Ok... ladies and gentlemen... here are some new dating rules. You will notice that some of them are very customized. That's just the way it has to be sometimes.

1) Show up for a date when you have made one. This may seem like a no-brainer to most but apparently it's common place enough that we have a phrase for it. "Stood up". If you have changed your mind, technology has you covered. A quick text can take care of the situation without wasting much of anyone's time.

2) Do not fall asleep prior to going on a date. Unless you are a narcoleptic, you should not just randomly be falling asleep without an awareness of what is going on. If you do choose to take a nap, set your alarm.

3) If you do happen to randomly find yourself in twilight - do not try to use it as an excuse for why you did not show up to your date. It is insulting - unless, again, you have narcolepsy. Having two beers over dinner should never make a grown man pass out. That is frightening.

4) When you apologize for not showing up for a date - mean it. Do not then ask your date to come hang out at your place. This is very simply in bad taste. If anything, you should be coming to them. You are the one who screwed up.

*** An add-on for the boys: a girl with a decent head on her shoulders is not going to go to your house if she has never met you before - quite frankly, that would be beyond stupid - it's like waving yourself down to play chicken with a car. Especially if you connected online. If you are looking to attack the girl, seek serious help. If you are innocently asking her to come to a strange place to visit you when you have never met before - this is weird and should be avoided by both of you. You will scare most decent women off this way. Not saying there aren't women who would be into it - but that's why Craig's List has a section for "casual encounters". This is not why the average woman joins a dating website.***

*** An add-on for the girls: NEVER go to a guy's home for a date if you have not met him prior and feel comfortable with him. Not all of these guys are going to hurt you but some of them will - I would not recommend playing a guessing game with your life. If he is recommending getting you to his place so early on... question it. At it's most innocent, he's just lame. At it's worst, we may find your picture on a milk carton. In the middle... he's at least just hoping to get laid with no actual effort put forth. Everyone deserves effort.***

5) When your no-show date apologizes, accept the apology but do not accept a second try. There will be times you are really compelled to for some outstanding reason - of course, you could be right. However, keep in mind that if this is how a relationship begins, it is highly likely this is how it will continue. You only get one shot to make a first impression. A first date is only supposed to happen ONCE.

6) Vocalize what they did wrong if they do not seem to understand it. Be clear and concise. It is no use going on and on about anything, you are not in a relationship and most likely will never be. Use one to three lines at the most. Do not bother telling them about your feelings. If they didn't care enough to worry about how not showing would make you feel - they aren't going to care now. Wish them luck as a good gesture. (You ARE the better person here.) Then watch their response or lack thereof.

7) Move on knowing that they screwed up, it's not something about you... they are simply some of the rudest of the rude. If they did not even bother to apologize or let you know what happened... you really lucked out that they didn't show. You have just avoided awful.

8) There are exceptions to every rule but be careful about what exceptions you will allow. If the date does not show because of a bona-fide emergency, for instance, make your judgement about whether or not you believe the story and then make your plans again. This time, however, try to insist they come to you in some aspect. A bar or restaurant or coffee house near your place instead of in the middle. Just in case their emergency was not exactly real after all.

Farm to Fork Week 2010

http://www.examiner.com/x-16529-Philadelphia-Restaurant-Events-Examiner~y2010m7d21-Farm-to-Fork-Week-Caffe-Aldo-Lamberti

Houlihan's and Blarney Stone

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http://www.examiner.com/x-16529-Philadelphia-Restaurant-Events-Examiner~y2010m7d16-2010-University-City-Dining-Days-Blarney-Stone

Back to the Minors

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?
-Pink, Glitter in the Air

Let's talk confessions here. Let's talk about some very, very deep rooted emotions that I have no idea how to extract except to act in the opposite of how I have been for too long a time. If you do not mind, there is a part of my mind and my soul that is figuring out these dark things and I just need someone to listen. Advice is welcome. Nothing too dark, mind you but dark enough for me to have noticed.

What if you saw men and found yourself walking way out of the way so they maybe, with luck, would not see you and would not judge you? What if you did not put precedent on taking care of yourself because it was a useless endeavor? What if you used to dress cute but don't very often anymore and you used to really take pride in your body but don't anymore? You want to, you just simply don't. What if you feel, in a very real way, that almost any man you are attracted to will hurt you - deeply? What do you do then?

Two things. One, you close yourself off in public - body language. Two, you go online and get terrified when a cute one says hello because deep, down inside you know that they're just out to get you. But - not in a fun way. What if you are at the age of 30 and have never felt (romantically)loved in return for what you have given out? I'm talking healthy love, not co-dependent or anything of that nature. I am talking about the kind of love that helps to relieve stress... not add to it. What if you have no idea how love really feels because you have simply never experienced it? You have imagined it and you know that your imagination is right but that does not mean you can get past home plate. You have been up to bat for quite some time but have only taken a few foul ball swings.

What if the future you are hoping for, looking forward to and really, really want is right around the bend but one very big detail is not where it needs to be? The future that I want depends largely on working out the aboved mentioned issues. I had to ask a guy last night, my movie buddy, about men. Some very basic questions. Very basic. Like, do they really look at women? As much as they are said to. So why do I not see them looking at me? He said he finds it hard to believe that I never meet anyone. The primary way I do - and have - for quite some time has been online OR I have been friends with them first - for a while. And the truth is, I'm bored to tears with the online stuff. It's time for something new.

My experiences have been varied, I cannot claim that there have been no smiles. There have been. But it never lasts. I do not mean the relationships, I mean me - who I am but have no idea how to share - that part of me always takes over. Or something else comes up way too soon to see it progress at all. That part of me that lives naturally and fluently with men. As I have said before, I am not ready to settle down yet. A very big part as to why (because settling down to me does not necessarily mean buying a house and having babies - I just mean meeting "the one") is because I would love to be able to learn about men in an open and honest way. I would like to experience some of the good stuff before getting to the great stuff.

So... what does that mean? How do I go about working through this one?

I just do it. Somehow or another, I just do it. Does this mean going out alone a bit more often? Yes. Are there specifics that I would much rather work out (I am talking about my body) before I start this? Yes. And I do have the time to do so but a big part of me just wants to jump into it. Dive out into the water. Much like snorkeling, which gave me a few very scary seconds at first - panic set in but I kept putting my face back down anyway. Before I knew it, I was loving it and wished for more time to take in all of the beauty under the water.

Ana's Boredom

This morning Ana gave me a look. A look that said "I'm glad you want to get to know me but this is getting old." It was the look of pure boredom, the look of someone who wanted to move onto the next rock, the next step. And I have to admit, I might have given her the look right back. We were in agreement.

She still doesn't speak but she did nod enthusiastically when I said "we've got to make a few changes here".

We've been sitting on this rock just a little too long. There is so much climbing left to do and we haven't moved an inch. I am tired of sweeping the same ol' boulder, never quite getting it clean because we are outdoors and while we sleep, the wind brings the dirt right back. We are in a rut here, waiting for the next step to reveal itself but what we have failed to realize is that it's been staring at us ever since we got here. It's right there in front of us.

Time to pack up our bags and move up a couple feet.

It's time to start studying in a new way. Because it should never take me over a month to get to page 21. It's not that I don't want the knowledge... I do. What I do not want, however, is to have to put off taking my test for a year or so. At my current rate, that would be the case. Truthfully, that is not only not necessary but silly in a strange kind of way.

Caribbean Chicken Breast Marinade

So, here's the first recipe I'll be offering up. Sometime in the future this (and other grub ideas) will probably go up on my future personal training website as a healthy meal idea. Either way, here you go...

Caribbean Chicken Breast Marinade

(for use with boneless chicken breast)

1/4 cup OJ (fresh squeezed is best but not necessary)
1 tsp grated orange peel (you can find the dried version of this in the baking aisle)
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp lime juice
1 tsp ground ginger
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 tsp hot pepper sauce
1/2 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper

Mix everything together, spread over chicken and marinate overnight, turning once. Grill chicken as you normally would, making sure there is no pink in the middle.

Personally, I love using the George Foreman grill. Super fast grilling time. Also, I live in an apartment so grilling otherwise goes out the window.

Mushy and Numb

You know what gets me? Is when you get done studying hard and long - your brain starts to actually feel mushy. Or, rather, numb.

You know what else gets me? If I don't get done my work for the day... I feel kind of guilty for doing something else... like writing my blog.

And even more than both of these... I see the way I am studying now. I wish I had been medicated during high school and then college as well... even though the meds I am on didn't exactly exist back then. Trust me, we tried the predecessors. They blew. It would have been different, completely different.

But - oh well - everyone's meant to walk a different path. No point in looking back at what could have been when I could just go with what is actually here today.

Do Something

A man distraught by all the pain and suffering he saw all around him broke down and banged his fists into the dirt.

His head turns upward and he yells at his God.

"Look at this mess. Look at all this pain and suffering. Look at all this killing and hate. God. Oh God! WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING!!"

And his God spoke to him and said

"I did. I sent you."

Authors Details: Unknown Author

Prime Bites

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Losing A Day

Give me just a minute to explain myself and my behavior. Maybe you don't need an explanation but I feel the need to give one. Maybe I just want to explain it to myself though I already get it. Frustrating as it may be, I already do.

I called out from work yesterday. Not for lack of time off lately. But - because it happened again. My once a month 24-48 hour depression. Last month it actually skipped. Most months, it does not. I am busily coming out of it now but I am not done quite yet. It happens one week before my period when it does happen. And let me tell you... it's awful.

I don't feel specifically ill though I don't feel well. I am unable to take care of myself in the most basic of manners. Showers - forget it - that is too much standing up. Getting comfortable is tough; though if I don't have to go to work when it happens, I sleep and sleep and sleep and lose a day of my life. We won't go into the head games that go on with myself but suffice it to say there is only two rungs of lower on the ladder. Eating - junk. That's about all I can handle... not only to taste but also to cook or prepare. Dishes pile up and so does a mess that will take me several days to get around to cleaning. Sometimes I don't get it done before the next tremor hits and that's how a good chunk of the pile builds up.

Yes, I recognize what it is... which has made it only slightly better. I can remind myself why I feel so awful - so all of a sudden. But - the realization does not make it go away as I would like. My doctor told me to take vitamin B. I started and now it really does only last for a day to two. Prior to the extra vitamin B, it would last an average of three to four days.

The scariest point for me... is part of the head games. It's the fear (though it's a dull fear, it is still very real) that I will never feel good again. What if this one doesn't go away? What if I am unable to ever function again? Correctly? It always gets a little worse when I'm battling regular ol' human emotions anyway... which has been the case lately relating to work and coming home from Republica Dominica. I do not worry about some of those lower rungs because I know they simply won't be touched. They will stay just where they are. But - the idea of never feeling better - I just can't take that. And I know I am far from alone with these kinds of issues, this is just a part of who I am - I still wish every month could be like last month and I could just say "skip".

Gist of It

"You also must be really interested in each other and have a really, really wonderful, exciting time together."
- Angelina Jolie

My thoughts exactly. This quote was taken from an article about the interview article that will be coming out in Parade. This is Angelina Jolie's answer to how she and Brad Pitt stay happy. According to what I read (on People.com), she did elaborate a bit more but this was the gist of it.

To me, this is the gist of all of it. This is what I want from anyone who will be my boyfriend or... gulp... more than boyfriend. This is what I want from my primary relationship.

This is it. This and an obvious attraction to the man. Whomever the man might be. Wherever he is right now. This is it... I do not think I or anyone else who is looking for this is asking for too much nor too little. This sounds perfectly sane to me. Anything less would be less than what I want and less than what I am willing to be involved with.

Assuming the man also likes to travel... well... then we've got a pretty good deal.

Role of a Lifetime

You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!
- From The Holiday, written by Nancy Meyers

Getting back from vacation has been much more difficult than I had anticipated. By a long shot. I knew there would be that little bit of "don't want to go back to work" but what I have found is a conglomerate of realizations that have left me feeling a little worn out and pretty not present in my own process.

Getting on the plane to come back home I had a thought. An epiphany of sorts. (Epiphany was the word my movie buddy applied to it.) I realized, as I stepped onto the vehicle that would take me "back to reality", that I had nothing of my own to come back to. Nothing that I was excited about. I love my cat and I love my apartment but somehow they feel less concrete than what I would like for a fulfilling life. I have lots of friends and a wonderful family. Still - this isn't enough to make me crave coming home. My friends are, for the most part, pairing off and having babies. They are living in their own homes, going to jobs they like (not all of them) or even love. My family is in expanded form at this point and my siblings are wrapped up in their spouses and their children. I am not complaining about this, I just feel so much like the black sheep of the family that it is often uncomfortable for me to chill with them. Understandably, they do not have much interest in what a single girl does with her time. Regardless of how important it feels to me.

And because of this realization, because of this epiphany I have become rather sensitive to feeling displaced. I am studying, which makes me feel slightly better while I do it and I am hoping to get to start training people by the fall. I love the people in my life and I do not look at any of this as anyone's fault exactly but I am feeling completely out of sorts. I feel like I have to keep abiding by the rules that someone else lay in my way. I feel as though I have to because... well... what else am I going to do? Quit my job - in this economy? No, not a brilliant idea.

I'll keep chugging away at what I know. That is about all I can do for the time being. I wish the studying was moving faster so as to bring the test here faster but everything happens in it's own good time. Even if it means spending my summer feeling a little lower than I had thought I would. Even if it means having to be patient in a whole new way. I am not exactly ready to settle down, not even close - to be honest. I also have to be honest in admitting that I wish that somehow my family and a few of my friends understood that just because I don't have children or a spouse (or even a boyfriend at the moment) does not mean that I am less important, less interesting or less deserving of consideration. I know I am not alone in this line of thinking... I know other singles or even couples without children who have expressed feeling a strange bit of prejudice in their lives. As though being single or without kids makes them less human, less something... though what, I'm not really sure. Even I, a single woman without kids can sometimes get so busy that I start needing time to myself... for myself. Just like anyone who has others living in their household. I love giving my time but sometimes, particularly when I start to feel down or over burdened, I have to make the choice to be on my own, making my way. I will never find what is waiting for me if I keep trying to make everyone else happy while forgoing my own happiness in the process. Again, I know this is all a natural part of life... that others will kind of forget about me in the process of building their lives with their families... but just because it is natural does not mean that it doesn't make me feel estranged in a strange sort of way. Just because it's natural does not mean that I don't have feelings about it. I am not hurt by the nature of it... I just feel very alone in the world at times. This is something that I do not expect others to fix or even for myself to fix. Time will probably fix it somehow, in some way.

Do I feel like the leading lady in my own life? Hardly. Would I like to? Absolutely. And I do enjoy my own company, I enjoy being as independent as I am, I enjoy the single life. What I do not enjoy, however, is feeling like I am less in other people's eyes (or being treated as such) just because my life looks different than theirs or than the average 30 (almost 31) year old woman.

Do I want change? Yes, at this point my heart is screaming out for it. At this point, my soul is begging for something new. I am aware that the only way to get something new is start doing something different. I'm working on it, slow as the process might be. And as for feeling forgotten in a strange sort of way... the truth can be told that at times I also forget others when I am wrapped up. Not on purpose, it just happens. Only problem is I feel guilty for what I already said is natural. As the single girl in the family, I am supposed to be around the most... or is this something I have put on myself? Do I assume that my family will be hurt somehow by me not showing up to as many family functions as there are? In a way, yes. But - really - it probably is not like this. If I never showed up, that would be one thing but that just is not how it is at the moment.

All of this is weighing on me. Things are a little cloudy (as you can probably tell). I just know that when I look back, one day... far away... I want to make sure I can look back and say that I lived. That even in the small battles there were big victories. And even in the small victories there were very real strides. Some of us are not meant to live a certain role in life. For me, that's being a young mom. There's something else beckoning me... still... I do wish others could see it. Some of us are just different... meant to live it a little on the outskirts of "normal".

2204 Liberty Bar

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Random Thought #19

"I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger."
-from a forward