Latest Stop at the Latest Dish

Last night's meetup was... well... eh. The conversation was lacking and one of my friends had some troubles with her meal. Latest Dish should only be used for eating at the bar apparently. Still... the empanadas were good.

There's definitely some awkward folk at the meetups. Last night there were two of them. The one girl, I thought she liked me, seems to have just about no sense of humor. It's hard to get her to crack a smile. And the other guy is just... also lacking a sense of humor. He's chatty but no sense of humor that I could see.

And it turns out I need to laugh. Alot. Or I don't connect with people. I simply don't. Doesn't mean I can't do serious but I need some laughter to really be the main driving force.

I have met a few really great folks through meetup. And I'll keep the group going for the rare times I come across another one of the "great folks". However, when it's like it was last night... very dry due to one side of the table being just lacking in the ability to make happy conversation... I consider, at least briefly, giving it up.

Burning Feet

My hearing is finally back and the bottom of my feet are only burning a little.

Seems to me the birthday celebration was a success.

Still have some issues on my mind but they'll work themselves out. Eventually. This restlessness I'm feeling is almost comfortable to me, kind of what I'm used to. And yet - nope - it's not. Because it's restless, it is by nature somewhat uncomfortable. The good news only comes in the fact that I know I'm going to do what I need to do after I leave work. Or, rather, what I want to do.

Completely.

It's Alright

-DAR WILLIAMS

I know change is a bad thing,
Breaks me down into a sorry sad thing
Not some iridescent grateful butterfly.
I'll resist with defiance,
Not the valor of a mystic silence,
I will fight the dizzy spiral of goodbye.

And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Please don't say you don't love me,
Never dangle any sword above me,
With the kind of change that severs me in two.
Give me amberizing glasses.
Could you slow it down like molasses,
As I salvage my old self away from you.

And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Because I have seen insane things,
All those grand, historic paintings.
Morning light on polished swords and burnished pride.
Anxious smiles encased in whalebone,
Spines of steel from head to tailbone,
Cannons poised to blast the turning of the tide.

It's a sad and a strange thing.
But it's time and I am changing.
Into something good or bad, well that's your guess.
I'm my own sovereign nation,
Dedicated to a transformation,
Marching on with this target on my chest, oh yes,
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.


AND SO YOU CAN HEAR IT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqdwqsvfXyU
(THOUGH THE VIDEO IS AWFUL.)

Out With the Old

The once cutest boy ever now knows there's someone else whom I consider important in my life. And I'll miss him but it just isn't worth anything anymore. He treated me like garbage and the fact of the matter is the new guy in my life is a really great one.

Still... it breaks my heart in a way. I was in love with him. I can't say I didn't give it a fair shot. I found myself waiting for him even when I didn't want to anymore. I found myself being completely faithful to someone who didn't ask that of me. And he certainly wasn't to me. He wasn't my boyfriend after all. But, he was a relationship that was incredibly important in a really difficult time of my life. Saying goodbye hurts even when it's absolutely right.

Out with the old, in with the new. And the new is really awesome.

In The Spring

I drank last night. Not completely heavily but I did just for the sake of doing it. I think I was celebrating and dealing. Dropped my Spanish course last night. I couldn't get myself to spend yet another two and a half hours in there. I miss my summer professor and I'll be looking to take her class in the spring.

Meanwhile, I've got plenty of other stuff on my plate. This whole moving thing is something. One way or another... it's something. And I can't wait. Just hope there are people around who can help me move when it comes time to move. I'm sure it'll all work out.

And I can't wait to move on. Can't wait to get certain things out of my face, out of my life. Can't wait to start my own patterns, the way I want them, not around mom and dad's or my ex's. Mine - all mine.

Animals In the Yard

I turned on the light on the deck and made my way out the door. I started over to where we toss the recyclables into the can. And just then I heard it. A heavy breathing and then the two animals ran through the backyard. Couldn't have been cats, they were too big. And the breathing was too heavy. Sounded almost like the dog next door but it wasn't. I think. So, I threw the plastic bottle into the yard and ran back inside. I wasn't up for being attacked by an animal last night. Two good scares in less than a week, yippee!!

Looking at an apartment tomorrow afternoon. Exciting stuff. Maybe. Assuming the place is nice. We'll see. It's only a few minutes away from my parents too. Which is good. And the speedline is close enough by that I can walk to and from.

Had a dream last night. From what I read online, it basically has the meaning that a new phase in my life is beginning. Or a new project. Or a new way of being. Basically, it means new stuff in my life. Which would be plenty of true. The only confusing part was "we're not still together but we're going to raise it together". Huh? That's the only spoken line I recall from it.

Wrong Number

I wrote this last night to a few friends: So, I’m in the bathroom at work. By myself. Doing my thing in the stall. There are all of two people in the building tonight. First, I thought I heard a woman’s voice… very softly but then I just figured I was wrong. It didn’t sound nearby at all. And I know there are only two of us here. The other person being a guy. So… whatever. Then, just as I was getting ready to finish up in my stall, the toilet two stalls down suddenly flushed. I checked under the stall, no feet. The toilet works on sensors. I remained outwardly calm while washing my hands and walking out of the bathroom but I have to admit, I was shaking.

I also wasn't exactly shaking, however I was nervous a little while ago. Made my first phone call about an apartment. But, the number supplied appears to be wrong. I tried it a couple times. I'll look for another one tomorrow. I'm just going to take it to mean that's not the apartment for me...

Looks Like An Elk Falling

Yesterday was a rough one but I hid it well. Or, maybe not. By the time night came, I was feeling better though what went on in my head at one point scared me. I can't miss doses of my medication. Which is what I did the night before last. It was worth it though.

Some new stuff in my life has got me stirring again. Which is awesome.

Shot some pool, felt confident enough about that to not feel stupid when I screwed up. Who cares? For me, it's just for entertainment. Though lately I seem to be spending more time doing it than I have in a long time. It does feel good to actually do more than just sit at a table and eat. We did that first, of course... and started the evening out nicely.

Funny... I've been eating less lately. Generally, one large meal a day and then a few smaller things here and there.

Had a little fun in the backseat of my car last night. Hope the neighbors didn't see us. Heh heh heh. I can't wait to move out. My poor parents... would be so embarrassed if they knew the havoc I've caused on their avenue.

New View

Two and a half years and so much has changed.

And now my focus changes...

Better Than Just Sitting

Lately things have felt good. And that's a scary statement to make. I'm having a good time and it's awesome. At one point yesterday I sat out on my parent's deck, having one of my few daily cigarettes and thinking about things. Even imperfect things in my life right now. But, nothing was truly upsetting me. I'm learning how to let most things roll off my back. And I'm not overthinking them. When a problem occurs, I'm all about nipping it in the bud. It feels right.

So, the meetup last night was awesome. Had so much fun. I was all sorts of energetic and surrounded by folks I like. Including a few new folks who just seemed pretty cool.

And I started my apartment search today. I didn't find anything I wanted to follow up on but there's always tomorrow for that.

Truth

The truth is that sometimes it's not easy to tell the truth. But, really, it would be alot harder to lie. In the long run especially. Dragging stuff out longer than it should go on is good for no one and I believe can lead to a much larger hurt than if you had just confronted it when the issue began. So, the question remains... in most cases, why do we lie?

Mark Twain once said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." And I'm finding that this is beyond true. Makes life quite a bit easier. But, telling the truth also lets people in your life know where they stand. If you're feeling unease with someone, talk to them about it. If you're feeling like you just can't take them anymore... talk to them. Of course, this doesn't mean you have to be mean.

When a someone is hoping to see you again and you're not feeling the same... you don't have to say "you're unattractive"... you can say "I just don't feel the chemistry here. Sorry." It's the truth. Because someone probably will find them attractive, just not you. The truth is, you're not feeling it for them and that's all there is to it. It really is that simple and no one's getting anything dragged out on them.

Telling the truth just makes life easier. The different motivations one feels when they decide to lie can be powerful. Maybe you don't want to hurt somebody or maybe you just don't feel like looking bad. Or you're staying out of trouble. Bah! All but the latter is vanity and I don't feel like going into the latter in this post. You don't want to hurt somebody so it's easier to keep them guessing. It's more painful for them or just flat out misleading, which will hurt the way you look even more in the future. You're going to end up looking much worse than if you had said something in the beginning. At least both of you can respect you if you put it out there and treat them right from the start.

Writing

I'm a born writer. This blog helps me get some of it out but lately I've been doing alot more than just this. And it feels good.

The other night, JORDAN (you want me to use some names, right?), mentioned how writing a blog could probably get in the way of being able to write other things. I would say there could be some truth to that. But, I think it depends on one's focus. I'm currently taking multiple avenues in my writing and I have a few more to open up. I write this... I have gone back to writing some poetry... and now I'm writing two seperate memoirs. About two different periods of time in my life. About two different angles. I still have more writing I want to do. Getting back to fiction writing would be awesome as well and I figure it'll come in time.

The writing bug went away for a very, very long time. But, it's back. And I'm going to leave a body of work behind. Even if no one ever wants to read it... at least I'll know I created something.

Refusal

It's like this...

I will not change my schedule for you. I will treat you with the respect you deserve but you better treat me the same. I am not as easy as everyone thinks. Though sometimes I am just simply human and act before I should. Do not accuse me of lying, you have no way to tell if I actually received your text message. I will not allow you to overstep the boundaries I have in place. They are all there for reasons. I will no longer accept being treated like I'm less than what I am. From anyone. I do not owe you explanations besides what actually concerns you. Find out what's going on before you assume. Ask questions. And if you want to spend time with me, ask me.

I refuse to fall back into old patterns. And that's all there is to it.

The Weak Ghost

How do you hurt a ghost's feelings? Tell them they're "weak" when they try to keep your door closed on you, then just walk out. At least that's what happened in my dream last night.

I can't help but wonder if I was actually dreaming about cigarettes. Maybe I am strong enough to overcome the addiction at this point. I really hope so. Especially since today is my first day back on the "trying to quit" path. I'm still allowing myself one a day. And I am going to pop the gum occasionally when the irritation level goes through the roof.

In the dream, I was scared. I was. I could feel that too. But I chose to stand up to the ghost. And then I felt good after I did. Walked through that door and I don't think I really looked back.

Cocktail Wanna Be

"I kissed a girl and I liked it." That lyric keeps running through my head. It's been years since I've kissed a girl so don't go thinking that's what this blog is going to be about. And I don't even like the song. There was a song that came out in the 90's called "I Kissed A Girl" that everyone seems to have forgotten about. I liked that song.

So much fun last night. So much. So cool. Went after class to go get some drinks at a local Friday's. They were having an autism benefit. They were auctioning stuff and having a bartending competition. While the bartenders generally kept dropping their bottles during their Cocktail wanna be performances, it was still fun to cheer them on. Some of them really got the attention of the crowd. Most of them, female. Including the two... who pecked each other during the aforementioned song. They weren't all that good but the boys liked them.

Apparently, these championships do actually go all the way up to the nationals for Friday's. I'm sure that's a blast. And alot of money was raised for autism last night. People were doing the auction thing, the 50/50 thing, and the bartenders were giving half their tips. So glad I decided to go.

Coloring Your Purse

My professor made some really good points about universal health care last night. And most of the kids in my class (yes, I feel 29 when I'm in class... and 29 feels way older than it actually is) did not make good points. I tried to listen to my professor and decipher whether or not I agree... but the girl next door was knocking, ever so persistantly, on my annoyance door. You know, when the person doesn't stop knocking and you have no choice but to eventually crinkle up your mouth and wish they would just stop speaking. Forever.

"I don't think the government should pay for health care. They should pay for day care."
"My sister's roommate blew smoke in her face when she tried to quit smoking."
"In real estate school, I learned that Delaware has the highest cancer rate. I'm concerned about that because it's so close to NJ."
"I pay for my husband, myself, and my three year old on my part time job benefits. And it's really expensive. $110 every other week."

Then she pulled out her markers and colored. She colored her purse (ruining a perfectly adorable red leather handbag) and then she drew a circle and colored it. And around it.

And I wanted to cry. Well, maybe not cry... but I would have liked to toss something at her to make her stop making a fool of herself.

And that's what I remember from class... not the details of universal healthcare that I had not yet considered in whether I agree or not with the concept. (I do remember enough to say I think it may not be the best idea for this country.) Nope, I recall that she went to real estate school.

It's Like Radiation

Sometimes you can reshape what you're looking for. Once you've learned a thing or two about a thing or two you start to see the world differently. And you start to learn how to take each day one day at a time while also looking and moving into the future. Enjoy some of it while it's happening, learn how to place some of it behind you and leave it there. And then other things... let's just see what happens. Each day should be a new experience. A new adventure. Each day should expand your mind to some degree.

Yesterday it took me quite some time after getting home to get moving. I did end up taking care of a few things I've been slacking in lately. And then I got some enjoyment time in as well. Tonight will probably prove to be a more "business" type of night. With more studying for Spanish 2. I can't believe how much I hate this Spanish class. I was so psyched during the summer to learn it. This time around, I'm anything but. Part of it is the boring professor. Some of it is that I killed it during the summer session. I'd still like to possibly learn it one day. But the more I think about it, the less I think I want to focus my energies on that. As neat as it would be... I just don't know that it's something I'm actually meant to accomplish in my lifetime.

I don't know. I guess it's not a major decision I have to make. Especially at this time...

Risks

"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, and love."
-- Leo Buscaglia

Are risks worth it? Yes. If they're not going to kill or hurt anyone... definitely. Should we do something bold when given the chance? Yes. I think so. Not that it always works out wonderfully but it does work out somehow.

Am I willing to put myself out there? Yes. Most of the time. Am I willing to see what this world has got to offer? Yup. Still... I have a hard time with the smile and eye contact thing. I need to start practicing that more often. I'm still scared they're going to say "ew".

Orange Knickers

(I do not want anyone assuming they know what this means exactly. I just listened to it earlier today and thought it fit my mood in a whole bunch of little ways.)

"The Power Of Orange Knickers"
- Tori Amos

The power of orange knickers
The power of orange knickers
The power of orange knickers
Under my petticoat
The power of listening to what
You don't want me to know

Can somebody tell me now who is this terrorist
Those girls that smile kindly then rip your life to pieces?
Can somebody tell me now am I alone with this?
This little pill in my hand and with this secret kiss
Am I alone in this...

A matter of complication
When you become a twist
For their latest drink
As they're transitioning

Can somebody tell me now who is this terrorist
This little pill in my hand that keeps the pain living
Can somebody tell me now a way out of this -
That sacred pipe of red stone could blow me out of this kiss
Am I alone in this...

Shame shame time to leave me now
Shame shame you've had your fun
Shame shame for letting me think that I would be the one

Can somebody tell me now who is this terrorist
This little pill in my hand or this secret kiss
Am I alone in this kiss
Am I alone in this kiss

Discrimination?

The woman (I am assuming it is a woman because when they signed off with "Be Strong" he/she put a little heart afterwards) sent me an email this morning or possibly last evening about my meetup group.

I have posted an age range of 25 - 40. Apparently, there's a problem with this. Earlier this week I started to receive postings (rantings, really) on my profile from some dude who appeared to be really, really annoyed because he's 41. I'm not going to go into what his rants said because they're just not worth repeating. But, he didn't even use proper punctuation or capitalization. This guy was rather irate. So, after a couple days I reported him to meetup. Asked if they could do anything. I haven't heard back from them but I haven't heard from him either.

Then... I get this email. This person (woman) wanted to know my thoughts and why I felt it necessary to place an age limit on the group. Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that ranting dude put her up to this... or at least knows her? I simply sighed... got a little irritated... and then replied. With:

"Yes, I do feel that it is necessary to set a maximum age range. It's not a terribly comfortable thing for 20 somethings to hang out with 60 year olds. And vice versa. There are people in my group who are over the age of 40 and it's not as though they're kicked out. It's not that individuals over the age of 40 are of no use... but since I pay for the service, I can run my group as I see fit."

Then I signed off with a thank you...

In her response to that... "Thanks for your reply. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm 35. I disagree with discrimination in any form. Please don't respond. Have a great day!
Stay Strong♥"

I have two problems here... one... am I really discriminating? According to dictionary.com:

Discrimination: –noun 1. an act or instance of discriminating.
2. treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit: racial and religious intolerance and discrimination.
3. the power of making fine distinctions; discriminating judgment: She chose the colors with great discrimination.
4. Archaic. something that serves to differentiate.

If I'm not kicking people out who are over 40... who am I discriminating against? I don't card people, nor do I even ask ages. I do take people on individual merit (see definition 2). So... please... don't tell me I'm discriminating. It's just an easy way to tell people what the group is going for. No one is actually blocked from joining my group... oh please...

And anyone who knows me knows I'm all sorts of open minded about people... doesn't mean I like everyone or no one gets on my nerves. But, I never judge a book by it's cover.

Second... why don't you want my response? Oh... to avoid an argument. But... wait... didn't he/she start it? So... this blog is my response.

Espanol 102

Uh-oh. My professor for Spanish 2 is boring. It's going to make for a long semester, I think. But - oh well. Just gotta push through it and then I'll be done with anything but electives. Woo-hoo!

So, I got a text last night. "Wanna come over and watch TV?". The part that was missing... in my bed. Sigh... I think something didn't register with the ex-cutest boy ever. Or he ignored me hoping my mood would pass. I gave him the option to come out and say hi to me on my porch. He turned it down because he was "too comfortable". Ugh.

At one time, there was a sweet human being there. Now... it seems... that has all just gone away. I will be disappointed in people from time to time. But, I'm not going to keep accepting it. I received another one today. Plans for tonight and a new friend tried to change them without even checking with me. What part of "I really want to check this place out" aren't you getting? Could have asked me if it was alright. I was looking forward to shooting some pool, thank you very much. Waiting to hear back on that one. But, I've been down that kind of road before. Again, if someone cares... their actions will show it. I hope the people I care about know it by what I do.

59 Car Rides

Only 59 more car rides and I should be done! I know it sounds like a lot but after going to the same school for over ten years... believe me, it's nothing.

That thought occurred to me yesterday amidst a bunch of other crap that was crowding my head. Dealing with some of my past issues is healthy but all sorts of emotions are coming up. Lots of anger. Which is good. That's what I was drinking to avoid mostly. Always hated getting angry or thinking negatively of other people. Now I'm freely thinking negatively of them and it just is what it is.

People will sometimes treat you like garbage in this life. And I think I'm done with allowing very much of that. If they want to talk to me, we can do a fair trade in contacting one another. If they don't care, that's fine... I'll just let them go. Sure, sometimes it's disappointing but, really, it's alright. It's the people that actually want me in their lives that I'm trying to focus on anymore.

So, only 59 more car rides and I hope not all of them are filled with anger. But, at least, the thought of it only be a few rides away and then I'll have my degree... that was an awesome realization.