Franklin Bridge

Every once in a while, once in a great while you get to witness or be a part of something phenomenal. Believe me, we all know it doesn't happen often. Last night I got to be a part of something like that.

A friend of mine asked me to go to Grape Street to check out a friend's band. The band is Franklin Bridge. They were simply the best live band I have ever seen play. And I'm not talking about a cover band. Though they did do a remarkable cover of Purple Rain. Apparently they did the reality TV thing at some point and did not win. I can't imagine how good the band that won had to be. I am still in awe.

I look forward to seeing them again. Check out their website: http://www.franklinbridgeband.com/

Hopefully some dates will be posted soon.

Here's Hoping

Ahh... a budget. I don't wanna live by it but I have to. That is, if I ever want to move out of my parental abode. It's a bit tough but, honestly, I'm looking forward to it. Should be interesting. And I wonder how many times I'm going to have to say "I can't afford it right now". Hmm... we shall see, I suppose.

I had a budget before. I didn't stick to it. So, I wrote another one. I plan to stick by it. This time I have a nifty notebook instead of just some Post-Its. That should prove to be the success factor, right? Right?

Something Found

Came across this today... I choose to share with thee....

If you:

see yourself as an attachment to another person

allow yourself to be in fear of or in awe of another person

let others rule your life

depend on others

blame others for your feelings and behaviours

hide the real you through forced or affected humour

spend time building a façade to hide behind

display defensive behaviour to defend yourself against

…….then you have lost your uniqueness .Your role is now to serve the other person. You are a slave to their dictates. The minute you are drawn to do something that is driven by another’s agenda you are no longer choosing what is naturally best for you. You are choosing what they want you to do. You are accepting that they are the ‘expert’ in your life. Another person knows what is best for you.

(Graham and Julie, Self Growth.com)

Settling

Last night I got the oppurtunity to hang out with a newly engaged couple. As in, just engaged yesterday. They were both glowing (despite one of them having a chest cold) and I have to admit I believe they're right for each other.

Which leads me to think about couples in general. These two are simply not settling for one another. They really, really enjoy each other's company and they're very attracted to one another. However, how many couples that are engaged or already married aren't actually thrilled? I know many people settle into relationships for many reasons. Hearing of a once divorced woman, about my age who said about her new fiance "he'll do" shakes me to the core. Does the guy realize that she sees him as only that? "He'll do"? Would he be so thrilled to be marrying her if he knew she said this about him? Shouldn't she be just as thrilled as he is? Isn't that only fair to him? One day he's going to wake up and probably feel taken for granted... and then what? Do you stay married to someone who's not your "soulmate" or do you walk away? What other issues will this kind of situation lead to down the road? They say that any issues you have before you get married only intensify after the walk down the aisle. If your biggest issues is how many TVs to have in your house, you're good. If your big issues include secret keeping and lack of communication from the get go... is this a blueprint for divorce?

I guess for each couple, only time will tell. And all sorts of things happen in life that can bring people closer together or tear them apart.

I just know that for me, I don't want to settle. I'm not even willing to settle for a boyfriend I'm not thrilled about let alone a husband.

Settling sucks. Just wish more people would notice that's what they're doing and step out of the situations that settling brings before it's too late.

Giant Stocking With My Name on It

I went, I kept my head up, and I conquered. I think. Maybe. Yeah. Conquered. Except that I drank too much, again. Shouldn't have done that.

I didn't actually conquer anything. I made progress towards conquering. But, conquer implies that there's an end... I don't think I'll conquer anything, really, truly, until I'm dead. And then it's up to God what happens to me.

I am making better choices these days. More instinctive than anything else. No, I can't go out drinking right away, I have to go to the gym first. I want to look and feel good, right? Then I can stop in for two drinks... three drinks... four drinks. Crap.

I'll nibble some fries that weren't offered to me and then I'll go home and make myself a grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat. Mmm... mmm... tomato soup with it would have been good too.

Last night was fun. Hope more nights like that are on the way.

If Only Clyde Were Real

Yesterday I felt taken advantage of. Wouldn't be the first time and it probably won't be the last. Which led me to (besides anger, which seems to be a new emotion to me) thinking about honesty and how hard it is to come by.

With me, what you see is what you get. For the most part. Yes, like everyone else I'm "like an onion" and there's always more levels to peel away. However, none of my levels are fake. I try to "do unto others" and live by the golden rule. I don't try to hurt anyone and I certainly try to give everyone the respect I would like. Not that I'm perfect and not that I've never hurt anyone but I really do try to do right by people.

Sometimes, though, living this way makes me want to scream. Why does it seem I'm the only one who goes about life this way? While I know that statement is an overgeneralization, it's rather frustrating to go through life knowing this is how I do and expecting others to do the same. Someone recently told me that I can be a bit "utopian". I just believe that everyone has better in them than what they're showing.

To sum it up:

From the Tori Amos CD jacket (American Doll Posse), I want to introduce you to Clyde... I read this and realized this is a big part of who I am...

All works of art start as potential. Similarly, all relationships start as potential. When I meet a person I try and see not their mask, with it’s defenses, but what’s underneath. I get accused of refusing to acknowledge who a person is choosing to be right now. When that person is arrogant or rude or selfish then my friends say, "Clyde!!!!!! THIS is what this LOSER is about." But I say, "Hold on people, this is only what this person THINKS they are about." So this so called Loser person is confused. But if no one sees their potential then they may not ever see it themselves and that would be tragic.

Joining the Party?

Yup. Today I am tired and my brain is a little slow. Not much going on in there. Meh. Not a big deal, I guess. Bumped up my meds last night, the first day is always kind of like this.

Met with my spiritual director last night. We addressed loneliness. It's a sad topic but one that I believe touches everyone's life sometimes. I went in wanting to talk about it. I guess in some ways I wanted to know when this feeling of loneliness that keeps popping up in me will go away. I did not find out but I did "receive" confirmation that I'm making alot of right moves. I'm headed down my path in many areas. We'll see what happens next...

Not too much more to say today, I suppose. But I will say this... can't wait to be able to throw a Christmas party of my own. That's a dream of mine and for the first time I know it will come to pass... eventually. Just have to keep moving in the direction that will get me there.

Salvaging the Savages

Last night I went into Philly to see an early premiere of the movie "The Savages". A bit of a dark comedy, a bit of depressing drama, and a bathroom run that pissed off the other people who were sitting in my row.

Upon coming out of the movie, I went for my second trip to the bathroom. I avoided this second trip during the flick because I really think the women in my row would have beat me up for going again. I spared them and myself to the point of pain... and I know it's not good for me. I remember the Seinfeld episode. (Mind you, I enjoyed irritating them on the first go at it... 'scuse me, 'scuse me... oh... 'scuse me.) In the bathroom, one girl looked at me and commented how depressed she was after seeing the film. After my hand washing was complete I went into the lobby to wait for my buddy. While listening to the people around me put on their coats and critique the movie, I heard one woman comment that she now felt like sticking her head in an oven. While I admire the Sylvia Plath reference this movie was simply not worth the credit people were giving it to alter their mood. Or maybe my medication is making me a zombie again. Nope... I laughed and felt emotions last night. I just chose to look at the bright side of things. A restored relationship between brother and sister, a dog saved, and a woman's dream coming true. What's so depressing about this?

Or maybe it was just that most of the people there were older and the movie certainly had plenty of references to old age and dying. Maybe they themselves didn't enjoy their life so much. Or maybe I'm just wrong about all of it and choose to see the brighter side when there isn't one.

Just Call Me Moody

I've crashed. The last few days were a bit of a high. Not as extreme as they have been in the past. But, I'm down and out now. And I'm really tired. I'm going to have to keep to myself until this mood passes. I don't want to do anything to embarrass myself and I don't want to make this anyone else's problem.

Part of my issue is environmental, part is just the way this takes over one's life. Last night my head became a little bit cluttered. I noticed when it was happening. Some of it because I suddenly became scared of the fact that I may lose some friends now. Or, they may be treating me differently. I can't tell if I'm projecting or it's actually happening. I checked with one person but I didn't hear back and I shouldn't have done that. I tested the waters with a couple other people and didn't hear back, shouldn't have done that either. This is my problem and I don't want to make it anyone else's. So... what's a person to do?

No one wants to be around a person who's depressing and complaining all the time. And I don't blame them for that... I don't want to be either.

I am glad, however, that I went to the gym last night and added a bunch of new machines to my workout while I was still feeling pretty good. Hopefully by the time I go back again I'll feel up to doing the same workout.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I went to therapy today. And I'm having a good day. A hopeful day. A peaceful day. We talked over why I seem so free now. And the truth is, for the first time since I can remember I'm being myself. Not reserving myself in hopes that I can be who other people want me to be. No longer trying to play the role of someone I'm not. For the first time in my memory I am just me. And it feels good. Of course, the meds I'm taking are helping me get a restful sleep at night, which keeps me rather balanced during the day. And I don't have a depressing second conversation going on in my head at all times. That helps too. But, either way, I am not going to be ashamed of who I am and what I like. I'm not going to think "he'd like this" or behave as what I think the other person wants me to behave like. For better or worse, I'm me. Just simply me. And being me isn't so hard right now so I'm gonna roll with it, yo. And I will never write another list again to try and perform up to an expectation of someone else only to ignore the list three days later when my mood selects another MO for me. I'm not going to think "that's who I want to be" or "I want to be like her" anymore. I'm not going to drive myself insane trying to hide my illness only to have it crop up in more drastic ways. Ways I cannot control with only willpower. I am going to make mistakes, sure but I have to be ok with that fact and move on. I am free of my self imposed guilt for things long forgotten by others. I am free of the embarrassment that I have brought on myself. And I still want my tattoo... this time it will just really, really mean something.

Serenity Now

I have only one primary thought at the moment... as an adult, if something is broken in YOUR life YOU are resposible for trying to fix it. I really do believe this. Some things are out of your control, of course (like other people, illness, etc.) but I just think that there is usually much that can be done in yourself to fix your lot in life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

I love that prayer.

And my dog gets picked up tonight from the hospital. Really looking forward to getting her home. She pulled through the surgery fine and is now on the mend. :)

Granted, I'm cycling right now and I'm feeling a little high. But... strangely... it's under control. And I think my doctor gave me the right meds. Just need a little stronger dosage. Interesting... I thought it was going to take trial and error for a while.

I will say this about the last twenty four hours:

Sometimes second chances do come.

Sometimes prayers are answered in an obvious way.

Sometimes you can make things right after they've gone wrong.

Sometimes you can learn to just be yourself and not worry what other people think. (Because it really doesn't matter.)

Sometimes you can start again.

The Soundtrack of Your Life

Last night I went to a friend's work party with him. While it was not exactly a blast, I was grateful for the chance to go out and get dressed up. On the way there my friend asked me "Have you ever considered that maybe you're not bipolar... maybe you've just been through alot and some days you just can't seem to suppress it?"

Ignoring the fact that suppressing negative feelings is, in itself, not a good thing. And the fact that bipolar disorder symptoms and diagnosis rest all down the line in my maternal family line, the answer to that question is "yes, I have". During the last ten years of my life, I did exactly that. Except I didn't always suppress. Breakdowns and numerous other random and weird situations would account for that. My therapist said she thinks that in many ways I have learned to hold certain aspects of my illness in. She is right. I don't know exactly how or when this began but it did. For the last few days I have had a pretty clear mind. I have sang to the music playing on the radio and not thought about how the words were representations of all the pain in my life. (So dramatic but exactly what happens on a regular basis.) Of course there are songs that remind all of us of certain things in life. However, I believe what would go on in my mind was just torture. Once a song brought back a bad memory, it would swirl in my head... all negative... no positive. And I'd be stuck on it for the remainder of the day, usually. I could NOT stop thinking about it. And usually one bad thought would remind me of something else. And then painful memories would just haunt me. Eventually they would go away and be replaced by another obsession but not always. Usually it was a domino effect. And those would account for what my brain would do on bad days... and God forbid something bad happen on one of my bad days... in walks a new obsession. No real healing, just pain. No real moving on... at least not for longer, more extended periods of time than most of the people I know. This is the first time in my life I feel like I'm healing. I'm allowing the past to reside exactly there. Yes, I did all sorts of stupid things but they don't define who I am. They are fragments of me but not me completely.

Thankfully, I believe I was protected in many ways... many, many ways. As was some of the people I was with. My spiritual director asked me what this protection looks like. I believe in gaurdian angels... and for the first time I am starting to see moments where I think mine showed up. The time I was in Kensington (Philly, not Maryland)... middle of the night... going on a drug run. These drug runs were generally not for myself but I had no qualms with taking my friends to pick up a little of their Captain Jack, whatever their drug of choice may have been. I found myself lost... (as if I actually had a clue where I was going in this particular ghetto)... I had to turn the car around. Time for a super quick k-turn in a gigantic green 1982 Buick Century. If you've ever driven anything around the size or bigger than said car, you know that there's no such thing as a quick k-turn in a city street while driving one of these things. Think: Austin Powers. Well, this super quick k-turn involved backing up and hearing the crunch of someone's car behind me. A little green Toyota and my bumper was connected to their car door, kind of like a puzzle. I stopped for a moment... panic... I didn't want to get in trouble. So, I look to around, a vehicle is coming down the street. I'm sort of blocked in by it and by the fact that I am attached to this Toyota. Slowly, the white Jeep Cherokee that has come along to block me in starts backing up so I can get out. They had to of seen the whole incident but were allowing me to flee the scene of the accident. While they may have also been in the area for the same reason I am still thankful that they did that. Besides not wanting to get caught... what was I going to do? Knock on a door in the middle of the night... excuse me Mr. Drug Dealer who sleeps with a gun... do you know who's car this is? Leave a note? Hi, little white suburban girl here... I hit your car last night. Sorry about that, here's my phone number.... There were no other real options open to me. (And before you say it, yes, there are good people who also live in these neighborhoods but who wants to be the one to try and guess which rowhome belongs to them exactly at 2 in the morning?) I feel bad about leaving a stranger's car like that but I do assure you that getting out of my car that night would have been BAD, very, very bad. Even if only for a moment to check the actual damage.

I'm not proud of what I call my "cringe" moments but they are the little stories that make up part of who I am. I have to forgive myself. I am still responsible for my actions but now, at least, I can start to understand why I found myself in so many predicaments over the years. And maybe learn to laugh at my own stupidity instead of beating myself up for it.

I have begun medication. And my doctor said it would take several days before it starts working. However, just getting sleep is helping much and I could be wrong but I believe it already is starting to help. This is only to take the edge off of things. The psychiatrist should begin heavier doses once I see her. Besides being a little light headed, I really can't complain.

And Meg pulled through the surgery just fine. I'll get her back on Monday and look forward to stopping in to see her today. She's got a morphine type drip going for the pain and they said she is up and walking on her own again.

Hope

Yup, hope floats. In a few hours I will see my doctor. He may not be specialized in dealing with crazy people but I've been told a general practitioner is capable of dishing out enough medication to make my wait until December 21 bareable. And I am looking forward to this... completely. Next on my list... besides meds is eating right and exercising. Consistently. Last night I got a full nights sleep. Granted, I had to go sleep on a different floor than my babygirl to do it but I must say it felt wonderful. Once the racing thoughts died themselves down, of course. Stupid obsession.

Thinker

I'm cranky and one of my co-workers said I look sad. I don't really feel "sad" per say, just don't feel much of anything. I obsessed this morning over a certain someone and I hate that I did it. Going to the doctor's tomorrow morning. I feel like my brain is on overload. I'm a thinker. And I'm a thinker who knows my thinking is a little off. I'm a thinker who knows their thinking is off but is not sure which thinking is right. I'm also a thinker who's very tired because their favorite pooch kept her up nearly all night because the thing on her thyroid is making her act crazy.

It's Not Easy Being Green

Well, the question I have received a few times that I will now address is "Why now?"

I have been far from ok for years, it’s just that recently I’ve started to look around and wonder why other people have stuff that I want but can’t seem to get myself. (Not EVERYONE but most of the people around me.) You know, a degree and a real relationship amongst other things (many other things). Also, I got horribly depressed over a certain someone and knew that my reaction was extreme and not at all consistent. One day I'd be upset about it and sometimes within hours I'd be at peace with it and then I'd get horribly angry. Repeat: next day, just mix up the sequence a little. I had to start looking at myself. When I started having suicidal thoughts a week or so ago I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. And between those thoughts, I would think “something’s wrong” and then the other thoughts would run around my head again. I have been there so many times but knew I couldn't commit suicide. The only thing really, truly holding me back was knowing how badly I would hurt my parents. I didn't want to do that to them. But even that line was ready to be crossed at moments. So… I figured I was depressed and it’s time to see a doctor. Granted, I had PMS at the time but it was still a bit much. I looked up PMDD and it didn’t fit me. I looked up depression and tried to fit myself into one of the categories. I called my mom and read it to her. She said “that’s not you”. I had a fit and just kind of blurted out that I don’t want to be bipolar, that I know I am but I don’t want it. (Sometimes one wishes that "no thanks" was sufficient for anything.)

I cannot control it myself as I thought I could do. I did not go through every day of the last ten years and think "I can control this." After the bad times I'd say "you just tell yourself you'll get through it". Funny how on the bad days rarely did I actually say that to myself. I had many, many days, hours, and experiences that I barely got through. I remained in a bit of denial. Eventually, denial just led to me not even thinking about my diagnosis except on rare occasion when I'd say "I was misdiagnosed." So, this is how I got to where I am acknowledging it for the first time. Started reading up on it and suddenly my life does make sense. Why I have done or tried SOOO many things over the years but never really got anywhere amongst all the clattering that goes on just about minute by minute in my mind. I'll go into the (probably) hundreds of cringe moments that I've experienced another time. You know (or maybe you don't) those moments that make you go "why did i..." and hope the other person doesn't remember.

So, thank you my friends for being successful at the things I want for myself. You helped me to feel a bit of the ol' jealousy bug... and it really will change my life.

BTW, got a doctor's appointment with my primary care physician for the 4th. Hopefully I will at least be able to get an anti-depressant until I go to see my psychiatrist on the 21st.

And in other news... my babygirl got her ultrasound yesterday. She has a small mass on her thyroid should be apparently easy to remove. Her abdomen turned up good. Surgery is set for Friday though I have no idea what time I'm supposed to get her into the office.

Love It, Hate It

I love medical insurance because it makes it possible to not be run into the ground with debt on medical bills. I hate medical insurance because I can't see the psychiatrist I want to without paying out of pocket. She's my old shrink and I wanted to go back to her. Now I have to go in as a new patient with a new doctor. I called a long list of docs and it appears the earliest appointment I will be able to get is on December 21. Talk about frustrating. Granted, I made it 10 years, what's another few weeks? Right now, getting on medication means the world to me... tomorrow I may no longer want to. Three weeks from now I may have gone back to the mindset that I don't need it, I can control myself. This is the difference a few weeks can make.

Day One in Reality

Umm... this is tough. I'm nervous and my heart is racing. I had a breakdown yesterday. Certainly not a rarity in my life, as those who know me (at all) already know. Right down to the neighbors who got to know me just a little too well back in May.

Ten years ago, I had a meltdown... lost a friend to his own illness and went off the deep end. However, looking back, I guess I just went further into the deep end. I called it grief, my psychiatrist at the hospital called it a bunch of things, my following therapist and psychiatrist finally gave it a final name. Bipolar Disorder. I was given meds and subsequently decided a few months later that I hated them and would not take them anymore. The last ten years have had their ups and downs as ten years do in anyone's life but for me, it was just a little... different. I denied my illness, adamantly... remaining stuck on the idea that what I had went through was just grief and went along my way. Making mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake.

Yesterday, I finally took the big step and acknowledged that I am, in fact, bipolar. Now I just have to pick up the pieces and try to have as normal a life as possible. I'm scared of it. I don't even know what "normal" is. I believe I began to show signs of the illness in fifth grade. That was the year my teacher yelled at me in front of the class and said I would never amount to anything. Up until now... he's been right. From now on, he will be wrong. So next time I go to ShopRite, you better believe I'm going to get in his line and tell him I'd like paper and plastic.

I don't know how those of you who didn't know this about me will react. I don't know who will care or who won't, I'll accept any reactions you so desire to give me. At least at the moment, I will not react on emotion. I am not concerned with what you think (if it's negative... that is), I just need to get well. I need to get on with my life, the one I'm supposed to live, not the one I've been living.