Day One in Reality

Umm... this is tough. I'm nervous and my heart is racing. I had a breakdown yesterday. Certainly not a rarity in my life, as those who know me (at all) already know. Right down to the neighbors who got to know me just a little too well back in May.

Ten years ago, I had a meltdown... lost a friend to his own illness and went off the deep end. However, looking back, I guess I just went further into the deep end. I called it grief, my psychiatrist at the hospital called it a bunch of things, my following therapist and psychiatrist finally gave it a final name. Bipolar Disorder. I was given meds and subsequently decided a few months later that I hated them and would not take them anymore. The last ten years have had their ups and downs as ten years do in anyone's life but for me, it was just a little... different. I denied my illness, adamantly... remaining stuck on the idea that what I had went through was just grief and went along my way. Making mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake.

Yesterday, I finally took the big step and acknowledged that I am, in fact, bipolar. Now I just have to pick up the pieces and try to have as normal a life as possible. I'm scared of it. I don't even know what "normal" is. I believe I began to show signs of the illness in fifth grade. That was the year my teacher yelled at me in front of the class and said I would never amount to anything. Up until now... he's been right. From now on, he will be wrong. So next time I go to ShopRite, you better believe I'm going to get in his line and tell him I'd like paper and plastic.

I don't know how those of you who didn't know this about me will react. I don't know who will care or who won't, I'll accept any reactions you so desire to give me. At least at the moment, I will not react on emotion. I am not concerned with what you think (if it's negative... that is), I just need to get well. I need to get on with my life, the one I'm supposed to live, not the one I've been living.