Four Weeks Later

It's been four weeks since I have had any alcohol to drink.  No wine, no beer, no mixed drinks, no shots.  And while I am more content and level-headed than I have been in years (since I don't even know when... with the stomach incident, it was forced so level-headed wasn't precisely what I was feeling).

The thing is... this level-headedness, this calm, this ability to enjoy myself in a way that I do not recall having done in a very, very long time is making me nervous.  Should it?  Probably not.  But - regardless of the shoulds or shouldn'ts, it is.  Why would it make me nervous?  That's a damn good question.  And one that I am having some trouble answering for myself.

My life is taking some adjustment right now.  That's all.  I'm seeing things for what they are... I believe I am starting to see some people for who they are (or aren't) and I am feeling more confident in my own abilities and decision making.  My own choices.  My mouth is staying shut sometimes when I think it's best... and it's opening up a bit more when it probably should. 

The strangest part to me... the part that is shaking me up the most... is what I am noticing.  What I am noticing about others and what I think I am starting to notice.  The questions that are coming to mind and the notice I am taking to what others say/how they say it/what they mean.  And I am making my determinations (for once) based on clear thought.  

For the first time in a long time life is looking better, I am looking better and I am feeling better - more confident.  All of the knowledge, experience and so forth that I had gained over the last few (many) years is finally being applied without my trying to apply it.  Life is wide open.  I am wide open.  I am able to function unlike I could before and I can make plans that based on that fact. 

This is exciting.  Nerve-wracking but exciting.  But - how or what would be exciting about it if nerves didn't come in to play at least a little bit?

 

El Diamante

Y todo, como el diamante,
Antes que luz es carbón.
- Jose Marti, from Simple Verses


At the ripe, old (or young - depende on who is reading) age of 31... I could easily call myself a failure.  I could easily look down on myself for not having a degree yet, for not having children yet, for not having a husband, for not having a house, for not keeping up with the Joneses.

But - I won't.  Not this time.

Nope.  Today I will count the advantages to these facts instead of comparing my race to others.

If I had my degree, I would never be able to enjoy my education as much as I am enjoying it now.  When I started college (oh so many years ago), I was running through the motions.  While not every young student does this - based on the majority of what I see in my class - most of the students do this.  Through no fault of their own, they don't know better yet.  And many never will.  School has been life to them.  Almost the entire sum of it.  How could they NOT take it for granted?  It's like breathing and air to them.  Most of them have been in a somewhat structured, teacher infused environment from the time their memories began.  But - at the age of 31, maturity reveals so much about what the true intention of education is.  For me, at the age of 31, my eyes are already open to so much - I can get only that much more out of my classes.

If I had children already, everything would be different.  And while I do see children as a gigantic blessing in this lifetime - if they come into your life at the wrong time ("wrong" being relative), two things can POSSIBLY happen.  One, they may not feel like as much of a blessing as they actually are.  Two, you may not be able to be the kind of blessing to them that they so rightfully deserve.  Based, of course, on the basic tenet that we are all equal - and equally deserving.

If I had a husband, well... I'll put this in a different context.  What I had in the past was not a husband for all legal purposes (at least not in NJ).  The emotional/mental side, however, was very much marriage-like.  That relationship - while it was going on - was IT.  Til death do us part.  We honestly (until he changed his mind, of course - which can just as easily happen in marriage as well) did not even bother to think for many, many years of the alternative.  We were building a life together - this was something on which we did both agree, at least for a long while.  Simple as that.  But - it did not work out over the long haul.  Painful, yes.  (While the schism was forming.)  Awful, yes.  Life changing, absolutely.  Person changing (I can only speak for myself here), totally.  In all these years after the fact, I can honestly say - without a doubt - that the biggest emtion I feel toward not only having had the relationship (even though, yes, it wasn't a healthy relationship) but also for the fact that we did not actually walk down the aisle - is gratitude.  Gratitude for the fact that at the age of 31, at a time when I finally have come to know myself (in many ways though I am sure there is much left to discover), I get to make my decisions for me - and me alone.  Well - me and Fred - but my cat will go along with whatever as long as he gets the chance to run around like a wildman once all the lights have gone out for the night.

If I had a house of my own, there would not only be the monetary strain that I do not think I want to necessarily shoulder at this time in my life but there would also be yardwork to do, things to fix and - quite simply - a whole bunch of stuff I simply do not wish to worry about yet.  Without the kids or the husband, I have little interest in this.  (Though this very well may change in time - when I am ready or want to spend the money.)

I am not a keeping up with Joneses type of person.  My TV is old, my computer is borrowed (thanks again, Texan), my desk is tiny and my dresser is the same one I had as a baby.  My phone is a flip phone.  The fact of the matter is I do want to get some new stuff soon.  However - is it because I just want new stuff?  No.  It's because functionally, I need to replace much of it.  The TV has been showing a couple small glitches lately.  The computer one day needs to be given back and the dresser just does not offer me enough space for all my clothing needs.  The desk - well - I need to be able to spread out just a bit more.  While this is not a judgment on anyone who just likes to buy newer, nicer stuff because they want to - I am happy with myself the way I am.  I would rather spend my money on experiencing.  This is just my own personal choice - at the age of 31.

My father mentioned to me some time ago that I was lucky.  (I wasn't feeling so lucky at the time.)  I could make my life exactly what I want it to be while in my current situation.  Granted, when he said it I had yet to reach the point I am at today but the man is right.  It took time and it took pressure... but this girl, who was once called "a diamond in the rough" (by the psychologists sent to my parents' house by the school when I was a child because my grades were so crazy) is finalmente finding her way out of the rough.  

   

You Never Know

Last night I sent out a general concensus text to my friends.  What do you think I should do?  It wasn't about anything terribly serious but I still remained undecided.  The issue is this...

Online dating - do I renew a recent subscription or do I let it fall by the wayside?  It has not been my most successful escapade into the world of dating... it has very easily, in fact, been my least successful.  Until this last week or so.  Suddenly, online dating is starting to look up again.  Suddenly I am communicating with a few different guys - all attractive to me (or I guess I wouldn't be communicating with them at all) - at least by the look of their pictures. 

By looking at the variety of the pictures I can once again confirm for myself that I have no specific type... I like variety in all things it seems.

The fact of the matter is, however, that with my subscription running out... suddenly they're throwing me a whole new, rather large amount of matches.  Am I falling for a simple ploy to get me to stay on? 

Yes, yes I am.  Besides money - what do I have to lose?  (As my beloved pointed out.)  And while I hate losing money - what I hate even more is losing out on experience (or the posssibilty of it).  So - my choice, my option is simple.  I'm sticking with it.  I may or may not end up regretting it but somehow I doubt I'll regret it that much.  So much so that once I get a couple new pics - assuming I haven't met anyone worth sticking with for longer than a minute... I think I am going to be joining Match again too - and I'll change my pics on both sites.  Mine as well open all the doors I like while I am at it.

Feeling good these days, folks, so I'm ready to get back out into the world again - full force.

Anew

Over the course of the last several nights, I have been having very intense, very vivid, very symbolic dreams.  After looking up the themes or symbolism in these dreams... this is what I have come up with:

I am having troubling presenting myself to the world as I would like to.

Something new is starting in my life.

And some major changes are occurring.

Let me tell you...

True.  True.  And true.

I can't wait for you to meet the new me.

Locus of Control

"No, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed, yes"
- Nikki Minaj feat Drake, Moment 4 Life

One's locus of control is defined as "an individual's view of determinants of events".  (According to a random webpage with no name).  The definition in my personal training book is a bit longer so the prior definition is being used for the mere brevity of it.  From the overall - we can break the locus of control down into two more categories.  Intrinsic and extrinsic.  Reading about these, I had determined that I lean toward the intrinsic side of the road.  So - I took a quiz on it.  I was right (at least according to this one, particular test).  However - I have to admit, some of the answers I gave did end up completely extrinsic.  Not EVERYTHING happens to us because of us only.  There are some things that are placed on us without any effort, mistake, lack of wisdom or oversight on our part.  Genetics, for one, unavoidable accidents, for another, another's thoughtless and/or evil motives coming into your world without provocation (you get mugged or worse), etc.

"An individual's view of determinants of events"... what exactly does this mean all by itself?  Simply put, does life happen to you... or do you happen to life?

The "does life happen to you" would fall into the extrinsic category.  The "do you happen to life" would fall into the intrinsic category.  Is everything in your world a result of happenstance or is everything in your world a result of what you have done, said and been - without the direct help of let's call it... luck?

If you are like me, you believe in a little bit of both though your leanings do fall more often than not, into the intrinsic category.  Why not fully intrinsic?  Simply put, because I believe in more than that.  I believe that we do have certain particular factors (good or bad) that will step out onto the road before you - sometimes to test, sometimes to please, sometimes to direct, sometimes simply to give each of us the richness of the human experience.

I do believe that we are meant to meet certain people to open doors for us (or close them) and I do also believe that many of the struggles we face build us into who we are meant to be.  Whether we like them or not.  Whether we cause them or not.  Which is not to say that some of our struggles are not self-made.  Many of them are.  Or - we at least contribute greatly to them.  (If I hadn't been drinking so damn much... that wouldn't have happened nor would it have continued.  If I had listened to the few brave souls who confronted me about what I wasn't willing to admit, I would have walked out.  So on and so forth...)  Sometimes meeting those people (or situations) is more a test of who you are and what you have become - or has the change you believe has happened not really happened at all?  Back to the drawing board...

I personally believe in God.  And while I do not believe He micro-manages us, I do believe that He will provide ample opportunity to get us where we need to be in order to contribute.  Not everyone follows the path that would be best for them, us or the world at large but that is (more often than not though there are always exceptions) not due to lack of opportunity.  We just have to be willing to put in the work... the sacrifice (sometimes)...  the risks (other times)... the effort to get there.  Sometimes it may require a little research to find out what you need to do in order to be where you want (or hope) to end up.  We have to climb the stairs to get to the landing. 

In short - while it is known and is completely plausible that some outside influences will always - well - influence us and who we are or who we will become, in many ways it's what you decide on the inside that determines the end result of both triumphs and suffering.  You want it?  Go for it!  While something may come along to derail you... or teach you... if you really want it - keep at it.  It does not matter if it takes longer for you than others.  It does not matter if you are doing life out of the "normal" order.  Not everything works out for everybody but it's better to give it a shot than give it up.  Unless, of course, you intrinisically know when to say when.  If this is the path you are really meant to stay on (at least for a while), those doors will open (or close)... one way or another.  And you never know where those doors may end up leading.

Con Mis Amigas

Last night I went out with some of my girls.  These were a few of the girls who have been in my life for more than half of it at this point.  We drove around together - hitting up an Applebee's, a Spencer's going out of business sale (bachelorette party needs) and ending our night at Wal-Mart for some picture taking fun.  We were goofy, we were free - we were very much aware of one another.  And in many ways, we felt 18 again.

We came together in order to try and bring some comfort to one of us.  The Painter lost her father this week.  Truly bringing comfort to someone in this situation is next to impossible.  Making someone laugh when there's so much heavy in their life is a tough job but I was glad we had the honor of doing it.

Laughter is often the best medicine.  It may not fix anything in the end but it can - at least for a while - cover up the cough.
 

      

Unless Your Eyes Get Stuck

We talked, we did not laugh - we got silent - we bored each other and I even rolled my eyes once or twice.  Luckily, this was over the phone so nobody saw anything.  Rolling my eyes about certain topics and the way one may speak about them just feels a little reminiscent of times past.  (Shall we say... work, maybe? Shall we say that work is not all there is to life... and shall we say that you may have alot of responsibility - many of us do - but you are not saving lives here... you're simply adding to the landscape.)

Now, I say "we bored each other".  I can't speak for both of us there (though I suspect I can due to that extra long pause after I stopped talking when I had to check and see if dude was still on the line... "hello?"... a couple seconds pass... "oh, sorry.").

Needless to say, regardless of how I said I would call in the next couple days, I changed my mind.  So here comes the issue that I want to address today.

I said I would call, I don't want to call... so what do I do?  (This is not for the "not sure if I don't want to call" department... this is for the "sure I don't want to call" department.)

I have four options ultimately...

One, call anyway.

Two, call anyway - just to say that I don't want to call anymore.

Three, send dude or dudette a message to say I know I said I would but I don't wanna.

Four, just don't call.

I think we can safely limit this down to three real options.  Calling just to say I'm not going to call anymore - nor do you have to worry about calling me is just plain silly... so let's ignore this choice.

Ok... now we're narrowed down to three.

One - call anyway.  This is not the brightest of ideas.  While they may or may not actually have interest in talking to you anymore as well...  this could end up ugly.  A leading on of sorts, possibly... someone getting the wrong idea, also a possibility.  Another possibility is that you could end up in a relationship with someone accidentally because you either could not face your own feelings or you could not face theirs.  And still another possibility is a side of you could end up coming out that you are not crazy about.  Maybe you'll express your agitation.  Maybe they'll express theirs.  Maybe it's just better not to call.  Not that we should all be avoiding expressing ourselves but there's a time and a place... majority of the time that time and place is not with someone you barely know.  Nor do you have any real interest in getting to know.

So, let's move to option three.

Three - send them a message.  Via email, via the site you met through (if we're talking internet dating here) or via text.  Somehow, get the message to them.  Shit, use snail mail, if you must... though that idea seems as silly as calling them to say you don't want to call anymore. 

Something simple will suffice.  But - for you and for them - be honest.  Not "you remind me of my ex" honest but "just not feeling it" honest.  For you and for them, simply let them know what's going on.  If it turns out that they are feeling something when you are not... at least they can put their hopes to rest.  While many of us wouldn't really care after one or two phone calls... some people would.  Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Keep in mind that just because you would not necessarily care does not mean that the other party would not care.  They very well may. 

Four - just don't call.

While this is obviously the easiest (especially if one's guilt is not hair-trigger), it still seems like a lousy choice.  Maybe you are concerned about the reaction you are going to get.... maybe you are concerned that they will not give a shit and your ego will be bruised... maybe you just simply do not think they're worth the time.  Yet - they are... aren't they?  They didn't actually do anything to harm you unless your eyes got stuck while rolling them.  And they're people, right?  Ugh... yeah... you have to do something to express the fact that you won't be showing up on their caller ID tonight... or tomorrow night.... or probably ever.

So... it looks like the best option is sending the message.

Now... what do you say?

Simple.  "I told you I would call" to start (thank you, Texan) "but I just wanted to let you know that I have reconsidered" [insert excuse - or reason - here]*"Best of luck to you!  Hope you find who you're looking for!"

*excuse or reason is usually simple - chemistry... not feeling it, maybe you're not ready for a relationship after all, etc.

The most important part of this message is probably actually the last two lines.  You wish them well... you get/give closure.  It's that simple.

It is mostly about treating others right.  And there's nothing in the world wrong with going a little above when it comes to doing so.
   

Adhering To Motivation

Motivation (as defined by the ACE Personal Trainer Manual) - the psychological drive that gives purpose and direction to behavior

Adherence - the extent to which people stick...  (fade to black) 

Again!

Adherence (as defined by the ACE Personal Trainer Manual) - the extent to which people stick to their plans or treatment recommendations.

Earlier today I noticed that I had stopped writing my definitions smack dab in the middle of the definition for "adherence".  The definitions are done after the completed reading of any chapter in my book for personal training.  Right before doing the review questions for said chapter.  This has been the way of it throughout this second book.  Which is kind of funny (as my subconscious screams) since the last time I just plain ol' stopped was right before the section on motivation.  Took a while before I picked it back up. 

Both motivation and adherence have often been a problem for me.  Not in every area all the time - but specifically in the schooling area.  Lately I have found myself sighing about the personal training certification and yesterday I hit a pothole in my Spanish class.  For the first time, however, I am not going to flight... I am going to fight.  I want to quit studying for the certification... and I want to quit Spanish 102. 

Neither of these reactions are reasonable nor do I want to bow down to my every want; just to get rid of the discomfort of a) boredom or b) struggling like I did in high school.  Sometimes when you ask for a second chance... you really do get it.

This is not a problem confined to me only.  Many, many, many (if not all) people have problems with both motivation and/or adherence.  Not all of them have it with school.  Some have it with exercise, some have it with eating patterns, some have it with drinking/drugs, some have it within their own personalities - some have it in their relationships, some have it within their work environment, some have it with medication, some people have it in several different areas at once... some people have it only in one.  No one's perfect after all.  None of us can keep all of the balls in the air at all times.

None of us should expect ourselves to do so either.

Here's the thing though... while all of the balls will not stay up each and every single day, it is important to remember that when the balls fall to the ground mid-flight... you can always pick them back up when you are ready.  You can always take a rest before grabbing them again.  Sometimes a rest is all that is needed.  I took last night off from even touching Spanish.  I needed the night off.  Simply put.  I take a couple days off here and there from personal training when life calls for it.  What I will not do, however, regardless of my feelings, is never pick either of them up again - not this time around.  And from what it looks like, in some ways - I never have.




 

Softening

There are awkward people in the world. We can all be awkward at times - in a variety of ways, depending on the circumstances. And, yes, that includes EVERYONE - from time to time. I tend to be awkward often enough but there are still limits. Not necessarily limits that I set. (I don't wake up in the morning thinking about when or how I can be awkward or not be awkward today.) It just happens when it happens. Just ask sister-in-friend about her stepfather's funeral. (Just thinking back makes me roll my eyes at myself - and chuckle. Not because of the funeral, of course, but because of the awkward way I made my way down the receiving line. "Awkward. Awkward. Awkward.")

Still - even in the goofiness that I find myself living from time to time - for which I can usually laugh about - as I said, I still have my limits. The truth is, no one wants to hear about how my bowels react in the midst of a story about a triumph in my life (unless the end result of the story requires it, of course - but any story involving my bowels and having to "go" would not be a triumph, I hope)... no one wants to receive a phone call from the toilet while I'm suffering from a stomach virus. People just DO NOT want to know. The fact is, I'm not even sure I want to know - and we're talking about my own bodily functions here.

Ok... we're not talking about mine specifically. We're talking about a co-worker. The last two examples are real and they were done (and probably will be again) by someone I see regularly.

We were chuckling about it when someone new to us threw it out there. "You guys are too hard on the guy."
Now, granted, others in the room ran with it a bit further than the simple examples (and truth) that I spoke of above. Throwing insults out there that were unnecessary at best - jealousy at worst (not everyone has accomplished some of the things this man has done - regardless of how his bowels felt the need to move from time to time). Ugliness, sure.

I spent the rest of the afternoon mulling over two things (besides the work I had to complete). One was the loss of my "Kiddo" buddy (he passed yesterday morning) - and the comment about being too hard on someone else who's still here. As the night wore on - "you guys are too hard on the guy" kept running through my mind. As I washed dishes, as I got ready for bed and again this morning.

I have determined that the statement is accurate. Which makes me uncomfortable. While I may not be as rough as several others - maybe I could keep my mouth wired shut just a little tighter from time to time. Maybe I could learn to just laugh to myself instead of helping add to the problem. This is about respect ultimately. I can't swear to you that I will never say anything again. But - I can try. I can try to remember that I'd hate for everyone to remember all the awkward things I've done, while in a group, while I am no where to be found. I would hate for those same people who treat me with respect often enough - just don't respect my embarrassing side enough to stop spreading it to those who don't know. Maybe I could also remember that while others may go down a road that involves a degree of ugly which I have not partaken of (in this particular circumstance) - that does not make my own actions perfectly ok. Wrong is wrong. While I tend to be a very big "gray" believer inner... in some circumstances when mean is mean... that's just all there is to it.

Random Thought #27

"I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on water."
-from a forward

Clarity on Obscurity

Be obscure clearly.
~E.B. White

As I have had no issue declaring in recent times - I enjoy writing.  I hope to make a living at it - someday (rather sooner than later, if I have my way).  In yesterday's post, I made mention of my twelve week fast.  I was slightly obscure about what I was giving up.  Or, maybe, I was very obscure about it - or maybe I wasn't at all.  For those who did not put two and two together (or did not read yesterday's blog), I am giving up drinking for the next twelve weeks.

There is no real reason to be obscure about this.  I know why I was dancing around it yesterday - there are a list of reasons.  Mostly out of embarrassment - I couldn't say it outright.  Guilt played a large factor into it also.  But - this blog isn't exactly about all of those feelings or thoughts or the process of decision.  (That's what I keep a journal for.)  This blog is meant to be about what I hope to gain.

A short while ago, I had made the decision that I would not drink and write at the same time.  It muddies too much up on the page.  Sure, maybe at times it helps the imagination to go a little further or it helps me spill the beans a little more freely but the truth is - I love writing just a little too much for that.  Not that truth is not what I am after.  It is.  Even in fiction, you can speak truth.  But - just as you love a person and want to be careful with them, I want to be careful with my writing.  I want to treat it delicately, even when it's a decidedly indelicate matter I am dealing with.  Tough love can be good - but is only necessary in the rarest of circumstances.

But - when I drink - I lose that.  I lose that touch, that care... that softness that I want to have.  The understanding that I have tried to obtain through the course of my life flies right out the window, into the wind and makes it's way to an empty field in Kansas, where I am unlikely to find it.  People need understanding so therefore characters need understanding.  When I drink I drop the ball on this and life comes to a halt.  Short and sweet.  Both in my writing and in my life. 

For me, I have begun to shape my life into something of my own personal masterpiece.  Or, at least, I am trying.  When I lose an entire day or two - sometimes more often than other times - the masterpiece takes a quick dive to the bottom of the Delaware River.  Where it stays until the diver can go in to find it.  I simply cannot handle losing anymore days.  I have lost enough already.  My life has lost enough already. 

To continue on the path I have been walking for some time now - without a breather from time to time from this one large personal problem that I carry around in my backpack - would be to reverse EB White's words and clearly be obscure.  To everyone, including me.  Life has asked me for more than this and I intend to give it my all.

Twelve Weeks

Going on a fast.  For the next twelve weeks.  It'll be a challenge but maybe not as much of one as I think (or fret).  What am I fasting from?  Well... let's just say my stomach will be thankful, my mood will be thankful and my life should stop appearing cloudy quite so often.  Even if it is crappy outside.

This is more of check on myself.  Is this something I need?  Is it something I can do?  The answer to both may very well be "yes".  A couple years ago I did six weeks - and I regained much during that time.  (As Biff puts it... I had balls.)  Not to mention the 12 pounds that fell off without effort.

So... let's see what happens in the next twelve weeks... shall we? 

My calendar has been marked up quite a bit in the last several weeks.  All those check marks adding up.  The color I had yet to use was red.  Which was intended for smoking... now I'll be using it for something else.  Preferably every day for the next twelve weeks.

I am wondering... how will I do in the bars, how will I do when my triggers are pulled?  How will I do and what will happen?  Family history runs deep, situations in life have run deeper and the ease by which this issue has come into my life runs as deep as a well. 

It's time to climb out of the well - just glad I still have this rope.