El Diamante

Y todo, como el diamante,
Antes que luz es carbón.
- Jose Marti, from Simple Verses


At the ripe, old (or young - depende on who is reading) age of 31... I could easily call myself a failure.  I could easily look down on myself for not having a degree yet, for not having children yet, for not having a husband, for not having a house, for not keeping up with the Joneses.

But - I won't.  Not this time.

Nope.  Today I will count the advantages to these facts instead of comparing my race to others.

If I had my degree, I would never be able to enjoy my education as much as I am enjoying it now.  When I started college (oh so many years ago), I was running through the motions.  While not every young student does this - based on the majority of what I see in my class - most of the students do this.  Through no fault of their own, they don't know better yet.  And many never will.  School has been life to them.  Almost the entire sum of it.  How could they NOT take it for granted?  It's like breathing and air to them.  Most of them have been in a somewhat structured, teacher infused environment from the time their memories began.  But - at the age of 31, maturity reveals so much about what the true intention of education is.  For me, at the age of 31, my eyes are already open to so much - I can get only that much more out of my classes.

If I had children already, everything would be different.  And while I do see children as a gigantic blessing in this lifetime - if they come into your life at the wrong time ("wrong" being relative), two things can POSSIBLY happen.  One, they may not feel like as much of a blessing as they actually are.  Two, you may not be able to be the kind of blessing to them that they so rightfully deserve.  Based, of course, on the basic tenet that we are all equal - and equally deserving.

If I had a husband, well... I'll put this in a different context.  What I had in the past was not a husband for all legal purposes (at least not in NJ).  The emotional/mental side, however, was very much marriage-like.  That relationship - while it was going on - was IT.  Til death do us part.  We honestly (until he changed his mind, of course - which can just as easily happen in marriage as well) did not even bother to think for many, many years of the alternative.  We were building a life together - this was something on which we did both agree, at least for a long while.  Simple as that.  But - it did not work out over the long haul.  Painful, yes.  (While the schism was forming.)  Awful, yes.  Life changing, absolutely.  Person changing (I can only speak for myself here), totally.  In all these years after the fact, I can honestly say - without a doubt - that the biggest emtion I feel toward not only having had the relationship (even though, yes, it wasn't a healthy relationship) but also for the fact that we did not actually walk down the aisle - is gratitude.  Gratitude for the fact that at the age of 31, at a time when I finally have come to know myself (in many ways though I am sure there is much left to discover), I get to make my decisions for me - and me alone.  Well - me and Fred - but my cat will go along with whatever as long as he gets the chance to run around like a wildman once all the lights have gone out for the night.

If I had a house of my own, there would not only be the monetary strain that I do not think I want to necessarily shoulder at this time in my life but there would also be yardwork to do, things to fix and - quite simply - a whole bunch of stuff I simply do not wish to worry about yet.  Without the kids or the husband, I have little interest in this.  (Though this very well may change in time - when I am ready or want to spend the money.)

I am not a keeping up with Joneses type of person.  My TV is old, my computer is borrowed (thanks again, Texan), my desk is tiny and my dresser is the same one I had as a baby.  My phone is a flip phone.  The fact of the matter is I do want to get some new stuff soon.  However - is it because I just want new stuff?  No.  It's because functionally, I need to replace much of it.  The TV has been showing a couple small glitches lately.  The computer one day needs to be given back and the dresser just does not offer me enough space for all my clothing needs.  The desk - well - I need to be able to spread out just a bit more.  While this is not a judgment on anyone who just likes to buy newer, nicer stuff because they want to - I am happy with myself the way I am.  I would rather spend my money on experiencing.  This is just my own personal choice - at the age of 31.

My father mentioned to me some time ago that I was lucky.  (I wasn't feeling so lucky at the time.)  I could make my life exactly what I want it to be while in my current situation.  Granted, when he said it I had yet to reach the point I am at today but the man is right.  It took time and it took pressure... but this girl, who was once called "a diamond in the rough" (by the psychologists sent to my parents' house by the school when I was a child because my grades were so crazy) is finalmente finding her way out of the rough.