Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye 2010

Goodbye, 2010. 

The year I rediscovered myself by cutting back on medication that once kept me bound in a strange sort of way.  The year I confirmed for myself that I know what I want most out of life.

Otherwise, not too much to speak of.  But - at this point, that will just have to be enough.

Hello, 2011.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Color Code

Yesterday I took a trip to the dollar store looking for calendars.  The hang on your wall type.  The kind I haven't bothered with in several years.  And I found one.  It's of horses, which is fine - I like them.  And maybe by the end of the year I'll be able to distinguish between the breeds - having looked at them each day for a year.  At the dollar store my options were horses or golf courses.  I thought the decision was a simple one.  Maybe if I were willing to spend more on it the choice would not be so easy but I'm not willing to do that.

My reason for buying the calendar was simple.  I am going to hang it up next to my computer and I am going to keep track of several of my 11 in 11 goals with it.  Today I ran out to Walgreen's during my lunch to buy some accompanying Sharpies.  I now have all of the colors of the rainbow.  And then some.  I don't recall black ever being part of the rainbow.

For each color, there's a goal.  Purple = outfit, blue=no credit card usage, red=smoke free and so on and so forth.  For each day that passes, I will be able to put a check mark down if I have worked on the goal.  I don't need each color every day but I want to be able to look over each month and see that some progress has been made in each area.  There are a couple that don't have a marker... such as the inferiority stuff but how would I process that?  How would I provide a check mark?  That kind of stuff will probably (in many ways) be solved by the check marks the rest of my goals produce.

As for traveling and meeting people with similar interests, those don't have a marker either.  But - my goal is to go to at least one outing a month with the intention of meeting someone new.  I'll probably have to write that on my calendar in word form - just as a vacation would go up there too.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Eleven in Eleven

My friend Spice started something.  Eleven in eleven.  Eleven goals in 2011.  She has pleasantly invited some of the people in her world to join her in making goals of their own.  I have decided to give it a go.  I woke up this morning thinking about it as well as the goals I might want to place on my list.  So... here it is:

One... to get a full workout in five days a week.  That means an hour.  One single hour... only five hours in the entire week.  Weights, cardio, stretching... the whole nine yards.  When I try to lose weight I fail miserably with the eating thing.  When I exercise at this level, however, I see results.  Real results.  I have tried this before but have managed to fall out of sync with myself time and time again.  This year... no more of that.

Two... to quit smoking once and for all.  It's a nasty habit - I am well aware.  Not much has to be said about this though out of all the goals mentioned here, this very well may be the toughest to complete.  But - we'll see.

Three... to make a much larger effort of putting together outfits each day of the week.  I tend to get lazy with this one.  I tend to just let it go for work and what I wear to work trickles into every day, of course.  There is a reason for this.  A very simple one.  I do not enjoy what I do for a living and feel no desire to dress up for it.  However - if I look at this from a different angle, it is really very simple.  I do not enjoy dressing up for work but I do enjoy dressing up for me.  I enjoy wearing my hair down and I enjoy putting on makeup.  Maybe if I just see it from this different point of view, the enjoyment of it for no other reason will begin to trickle in.

Four... go back to school.  I only have a few classes left before my associates is complete.  Spanish II is signed up for and it's just time to get 'er done.  (That line is so annoying.)

Five... to stop feeling inferior to others because they have blessings that I do not.  Whether it's looks, relationships of the loving kind, a family or a job they enjoy, I feel inferior.  It's not envy exactly... I want those around me to be blessed and I am usually happy when they are.  It's just that I want to feel blessed too.  And when I'm not... which in 2010 this has felt like a barren desert... I tend to lash out and try to find faults so I can feel like others are less than perfect, just like me - because there has to be a reason why so many things refuse to go my way so often, right?  I wonder why the gifts that land on other people's doorsteps do not land on mine but maybe feeling inferior actually has something to do with this.  Maybe.  This one is going to be tough.

Six...  to finish my personal training certification and start the boot camps when the weather gets warm.  I doubt I will ever do personal training full time but I still want to give it a go, simple as that.

Seven... to meet more people who have interests similar to mine.  Whether it's reading, writing, traveling or chatting it up, I have noticed that many of the people I am friends with - whom I love dearly - just do not seem to be looking at or thinking of things the same way I do.  Which is actually perfectly fine.  Necessary, even.  However - I would enjoy getting to know others whom I can enjoy my passions with more often.  In ways that may be new and unexpected.  Not to replace but to add to.

Eight... to write at least one single spaced page every day.  And my blog does NOT count.  Many an author has lived by this simple rule and maybe I should too.  Or maybe I should at least try it.

Nine... to send my writing out to contests, magazines, publishers and agents.  While I expect plenty of rejection - in order to share my writing, the world has to at least have the opportunity to read it. 

Ten... to go on four trips (at least).  They do not all have to be a week long or even involve a plane but they do have to be somewhere away from here. 

Eleven... to work on paying off my debt (seriously, for once) and start saving again.  This one is pretty self explanatory. 

So, there you have it... eleven goals - here's to moving into 2011...

    

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Even If

Even if no one sees it, God does.

Even if nothing changes, I do.

Even if no one hears it, God does.

Even if doors fail to open, an opportunity still exists.

Even if chances seem to pass me by, there will almost always be another.

Even if today is a dark one, there will be light again.

Even if support is buckling beneath me, I know how to use a hammer and nails.

Even if everything I have wanted escapes me - I will try again.

Even if kindness eludes me, I can still be kind.

Even if all I need is understanding, I understand myself.

Even if I fail to meet my own expectations, at least I strive at all.

Even if my personal cross to bare is sometimes very heavy, within it I have depth.

Even if the trust I have in people is not deserved, I know some of the deserving.

Even if my sacrifices are misunderstood, at least I made them.

Even if I am horribly imperfect every single day, I understand that everyone else is too.

Even if that imperfection is an obvious blot on my life, I know that I need to seek forgiveness.

Even if I do not understand why the stars fail to align for me, I will not give in to the harshest of my thoughts.

Even if I see the temptation of permanent sleep as a possibilty, I will simply choose to nap instead.

Even if this thing continues to hold me down, at least I will keep up the fight.

Monday, December 20, 2010

What I Want

I want to dance. I want to sing off key to songs I barely know.  I want to laugh.  Hard.  I want to open my heart and my mind again.  I want to eat good food.  I want to imbibe on some beverages which will make me feel a little tipsy.  I want to explore the possibilities.  I want to write.  I want to read.  I want to discuss everything.  I want to learn.  I want to have spontaneous meaningful conversation again.  I want to see the world.  I want to love others and life again.   

I want to live.  Growing older is unavoidable (with any luck).  Growing old before my time is avoidable.  Lately I have been feeling way too old, way too fast.  This has GOT to STOP.  And I'm the only one who can make that happen.  The early thirties is not a time to throw in the towel - it's a time to leave that towel out in the sun and bask in it's warmth after a good swim. 



 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

At Least You Tried

You put yourself out into the world and you hope that someone likes what they encounter.  You hope but then you find yourself unsure.  This occurs in many areas of life - job interviews, dating, social events, you name it... you have to put yourself out there from time to time.

Granted, there is always the hermit option in life but that is a sad state of being that most of us simply could not handle.

And it is inevitable that some people will not like you.  Depending on the situation and your placement in that situation - there may be many people who don't like you.  It may be one person.  There are times when we simply don't care for others and there is no deeper reason.  You just do not like them and/or they just do not like you.  This is just the nature of humanity.  This is the nature of who we are as a collective whole.  You can't please everybody and you can't win everyone over - no matter how truly wonderful you really are.

If you're trying... you should just stop trying... it's never going to work.  You will be happier in the long run if you give it up earlier rather than later. 

Which does not mean NO ONE will like you.  There are plenty of people that will.  Plenty of people.  The problem is, at times, finding them.

Then there comes the issue of putting yourself out there in some other way.  Not just simply for showing up and desiring for a connection.  For some of us, it is something that is birthed from within (and I'm not talking babies here), something creative - something to add into the world with hopes that maybe the right eyes will see.  Maybe you will find your audience.  Maybe.

Failing to do so on the first try or the second try or even the one hundredth try does not mean they are not out there.  They are out there somewhere - and with just the right amount of searching, finding and creating both explored and unexplored pathways - you may very well find each other (ask anyone who has been dating for any length of time and finds someone to love - whether forever or not).  This, however, takes the first steps.  Small steps that could lead you somewhere bigger, somewhere new.  You could touch others but you have to reach out your hand first - sharing yourself and your creative endeavor (whether it's the painter displaying their first work or someone opening a new business - creativity is something that was not there but is now). 

People will not always love everything you do even if they love you and most of what you do.  (Even Tom Hanks has had a few stinkers.)  Putting your first foot out there, however, is important.  No matter what the reception to your work, which most people who have ever created will tell you is an extention of themselves, the fact is you have tried.  You may never make your million dollars from it but if it brings someone something - particularly something positive that they would not have had otherwise then you have done your job.  It would be unrealistic to say that this means rejection should not get to you... it does if you have heart... but allowing rejection to defeat you is what determines if you are forever lost inside your fear.

Step out and step up.  People may not always appreciate what you are sharing but often you will find at least those who appreciate the effort that it takes.   

   

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My Fainting Room

"Happiness is the sublime moment when you get out of your corsets at night."
-  Joyce Grenfell

This is the time of year when most people are busy thinking about what they're going to buy, who they're going to buy it for and possibly even the reaction they will get as they hand whatever it may be over to it's true owner (or victim - in some cases).  They may also be thinking about what they're going to get.  Only a few more days until we all find out.  Meanwhile, there are some who are reminded of happiness and cheer and how "holly jolly" the beginning of winter is.  The world is in Christmas mode, folks and for this I am grateful.  Even if I do not feel like them, I am glad to know and see them.  Minus the cranky shoppers who flip other shoppers the bird in the parking lot.  Minus those peeps, of course.

Just about a month ago things began to slowly fall into my own brand of winter mood.  It started about a week or so before the giving of the thanks and will ride through until probably about March.  Some days will be better or worse than others but it's tough to determine which will be which.  Unfortunately, the holiday cheer often gets buried somewhere underneath a pile of rubble but often still manages to get enough air to make a comeback, just in time.  Christmas and New Year's will come and go and some relief will filter in.  Knowing that we're plowing through the coldest of days... leading to the rebirth that comes in spring helps me to breath just a little easier, a little calmer and without the weight on my chest - surrounding me, clenching me.  Until then some days will be pulled tight and some days will feel like a sweatshirt resting on me gently.  Choosing not to push myself too much is what life calls for right now.  At a time when everyone else pushes themselves to the limit, I find myself stepping back and taking count of my plans for the future - regardless of how hard it is to run.  Even if I end up crawling, I will crawl across the finish with the hope that next year, maybe next year... I'll be up and running again. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Mental Space

The other day I made myself sound like a slob.  And last night I did some cleaning.  Very little reading - and no work on my story - but I did straighten up the place a bit.  It only took me a short time, really to pick up what looked like a mess to me.  I had a place for almost everything that was strewn about on my coffee table, much to my surprise so now there is space again. 

I seem to go through streaks of allowing things to pile up.  I am not sure what this is about but I am sure that it usually has something to do with something taking my attention and running... as things (life) often does.  Maybe this is normal, maybe it's not.  I just know that when I re-read my blog from the other day I felt like I made myself sound like a hoarder.  It's nothing like that at all. 

A while back (as I have mentioned before) Spice had brought up the idea of "messy bed, messy head". (Or was it "messy head, messy bed"?)  And then some things occurred in my life that put me squarely back in a good mental space.  (ie. just enough medication to help me get a good night's sleep but not enough to make me "drugged")  Do you know what happened almost spontaneously after arriving back in the good mental space?  I began to make my bed each morning, right after getting out of it.  Something I have never done before but something I have really been enjoying. Enjoying mostly when I climb back into bed the following night. 

Do you know what else happened?  Several things.

One, I am back to writing fiction - because that is what I feel I do best.  Two, I am praying regularly.  Three, I am back on the exercise train.  (Though that one didn't exactly fall off too badly until the winter began to set in and Thanksgiving came along as it does.)  Four, I have cleared out alot of emotional and mental space that had been previously occupied by nothing worth my time.  Five, I have begun to develop my personal purpose in this world.  Six, I have signed up for classes in the spring.  Seven, I have stopped feeling a need to go out all the time - I am content in a world with pen and paper - or a word document and keyboard strokes.  Eight, I have become a bit more serious about paying off any debt I have incurred in the last several years.  Nine, I re-opened a door to online dating.  And ten, I simply feel a sense of peace that had been missing for a very, very long time.    

Many of these things seem to have been a cause and effect type of thing.  One link in a chain leading to another.  Much of it is a chicken and egg type of thing.  Though if I sat down to figure it all out - I'd probably be able to... maybe another time.  Either way, I am simply grateful that all of these things are running smoothly.  I can't help but notice that all of it, however, coincides with being on a regular schedule at work.  That'll be changing soon, my fingers are crossed that going back into a rotation doesn't kill everything I have finally got rolling right.  

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Random Thought #26

"Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died."
-from a forward

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Riving My Time

Last week I started a story and this week I am finishing it up.  Sometime in the last year I thought the idea up.  Next year I am hoping to sell it to whomever will buy it.  I have no idea where that will be yet.

I spent the week in between trying to figure it out.  Trying to figure out the emotion that only one of my characters would feel and why she would behave the way she does.  Yet it wasn't until I wrote the situation I had been trying to resolve into the story that I could see it.

On Monday, I had the day off from my day job.  I puttered around the house knowing I should get to work.  Work being two main things.  Writing and reading, reading and writing.  I sat down with an article about a poet by the name of Christian Wiman.  I had never heard of him prior to this article but it's good to expand one's horizons.  It was an interesting (and long) article about him for which I needed a dictionary.  Not for all of it, luckily but for just a few words - some of which I probably should have known but didn't. 

In the midst of reading this article about the author of Every Riven Thing (riven was one of the words I had to look up) I was suddenly struck by something in the article and I immediately put down the magazine and got to my own work.  I worked and worked and took a decent sized break for dinner and then worked again, up until 10 o'clock.  The hours passed without me knowing and my hand grew only the slightest bit tired from hours of writing.  (I'm still trying to figure out how I write best.... longhand or on the computer... kind of believing the longhand works for a first draft and the computer works for adding in the details of a second draft - it's different for everyone.)

Upon reflection of what it was in the article that moved me I had no idea.  I went back to the article in order to finish it during last night's downtime.  This is a time of night that comes an hour or so before I have to go to bed, after my nightly shower, once I have turned the computer off for the night.  When I have to work at 7:30am, the timing is at 9pm.  The computer goes off.  Apparently, as I've heard and read in multiple places, looking at a computer screen anywhere within the hour or so before you go to bed stimulates the brain in a negative way - causing sleep disturbance.  So... I can enjoy some reading during this downtime.  Reading from a - gasp - book or magazine.  In the article there was a quote from the author that I loved.  I believe I'm going to save it for the right occasion.  This quote was enough to get me past my very temporary and not too stressful (though still irritating) writer's block.  This was the quote that caused me to stir when I needed stirring.  Funny part is not having remembered it at all until I re-read it.

I'm still working on figuring out my rhythm.  The one that works best to bring the words out of me from within.  I wish I could just not worry about my job at all (maybe just some schooling) so I could REALLY figure it out but I'll have to deal with what's here and now, not what will be.  One day I'll be able to worry about finding my rhythm day in and day out as a full time writer (positive thinking) but for now - I have to stick with after work and on days off. 

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Taking the Trash Out

So... I'm messy.  So what?  My car's a small record of things I meant to read, that I wore at some point or listened to in order to be inspired.  Even if it was simply inspiration to keep breathing for the rest of the day.  Or inspiration to try and reach a real, full, dark, deep and complete picture of my own internal wrath.  Or maybe it's the mail my mom gives me each time I visit her house.  She doesn't trust that I should actually throw it away.  Maybe she's right... maybe something will leak through and I will have discovered that in the last two years I have simply forgotten to change my address on that one, very important forgotten form.  Or... maybe they did.

For years, I have tried and failed and tried and failed to keep order in all things me.  Guess what... it didn't work.  I can be a mess and that's just who I have to be.  Too much of my energy has thus far been wasted on "plans" to finally get completely organized.  Lists, ideas... times spent berating myself for the sloppiness by which I sometimes live.  Generally, however, I know where most things are... the things I need.  I know where I put them.  I know where to retrieve them.  Usually. 

If I notice, it's kind of getting gross... I dust it.  If I notice that something is a strange color of white when it used to be pure, I cleanse it.  If people are coming over, I try to make sure they won't leave covered in cat hair because they sat on my couch (thank you, large rollers from Wal-Mart) and that if they go in to use the restroom, they won't be concerned about touching anything.  If they're eating at my table (or in my living room), I don't want them wondering what that thing is resting on the side.  (It's a bowl of soup... from several days ago... eww.)  Otherwise, I've got other things on my mind.  Maybe cleanliness is next to Godliness.  But - maybe - for some of us that cleanliness has to come from within instead of from within our apartments and our cars or on our desks.  Maybe for some of us this strikes us as a balance that we need.  Some people need to mop the kitchen each week.  I just need to make sure there's nothing down there my cat can get sick on or my sock can get stuck to.

If I want to do all that I want to with my life, there is little room for cleaning - just for the sake of being spotless or tidy or otherwise what someone else may care dearly about.  By no means am I saying that this is bad... it's just different from the way I choose to live.  I have and keep alot of stuff.  Most of it papers and magazines and ideas of some sort.  And it litters the inside of my world, which is tiny by comparison but just part of the greater picture.  Not everyone can live dust-free... some people have to... for a variety of reasons... but I am choosing from here on out... that I will no longer be ashamed to just let it go.  Within reason.  The trash goes out when it gets full (or when the chicken wrappings begin to make me wonder if one of my neighbors may have died) and the litter gets changed out twice a week  Remnants of food containers don't grow in my vehicle but old water bottles and the occasional cigarette pack sometimes do. 

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Making the Time

"If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that."

— Stephen King

I have made a decision.  An all-out, all-in and incredibly obvious decision.  I am going to allow myself to finally become engulfed by that which I love... writing and reading.  I'm heading back to school for the spring semester and I'm going to start cracking the books.  I'm going to devote my time to writing and reading like I have not before.   

Personal training will be a side project - a hobby, if you will.  I just don't love it enough to truly devote my life to it.  I'm still getting certified and I'm still going to make an attempt with my family and friends as well as with the boot camp when the weather gets warm.  But - otherwise, my life is going to be lived in the company of and for my first true love.  Words.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I did.

And I have mentioned it.

But what I haven't done is devoted myself to it the way it needs devotion, nurturing and attention.  Different projects need to be cared for like you care for a child.  To make it work, you have to get to it.  You have to believe it's possible and make the object of your affection grow into itself and grow into who you are within it. 

Been doing alot of mental wandering lately and finding nothing but blank walls and closed doors.  Time to make a change.  You know the weird part?  I never, ever, ever, never, ever find more peace than when I am writing or reading.  It keeps me even and the world finally falls into place.  I fall into place.  My life falls into place on this big, round spinning ball.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Meeting Yore

Like a goblin from a crypt... green with long nails... yellow and rotten with age.  We see this hideous being and shiver.  It hobbles towards us and sniffs around our ears.  We think of nothing at all.  Strangely... nothing crosses our mind.  The smell is overwhelming but the truth is very real.  There is a beast in front of us, around us and getting to know us.  What is he trying to smell... what does she want to know?  Fear keeps us in place.  Fight appears to have won (you're sticking around after all) as the bladder takes flight and embarrassment trickles down our leg.

We are facing it because we have no choice.  Our other alternative is merely a pitch black abyss - which may be where this thing sniffing at our lobes, our neck and our collarbone is from.  We stand still.  Maybe it will just go away.

Instead, it caresses our exposed arm.  We should have worn a sweater tonight.  This is the first and only clear thought that runs through the caverns of our minds thus far. It takes our arm, lifts it slightly and slithers behind us.  Now the thing is sniffing the back of our neck.  The thing is right behind us and continues to lift our arm.  It steps out, ever so slightly so it can reach our fingers and adjust them for it's unholy and evil purposes.  The sniffing has grown less intrusive and more calm.  It has decided our future... and we have nothing we can do about it.

The sweat on our brow, the chill running through our body and the realization that our pointer finger is now fully extended.  Held up gently by that yellow, rotting, broken up bit of nail at the end of this thing's finger. 

We ask what it wants - but only internally.  We receive the answer at the tip of both our finger and the end of the grotesque nail that holds it up.  We see the light.  Like the end of a needle.  Tiny but real.  This thing we disdain, this thing we grew cold over and scared of is merely pointing us the way to go.  Ugly and real... it sees that we see and drops our arm suddenly. 

Away... back to where it came.  A few crunches and cracks under foot.  It was awful - but it was merely a guide... and we will call it Yore.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Runaway Train

My heart started racing today while driving into work.  I had a quick and brief memory of a story my mom once today me about my sister.  Was it a real memory or something that my mind made up?  I'm not sure, I have to talk with mom.  Either way, suddenly... quietly and completely an idea started to form in my mind about it.

What if?

My heart has been beating slightly above normal ever since and the story keeps developing - like a runaway train of ideas.  It's fine.  It's exciting and I feel like it's a gift.

I plan to spend the next several days writing this all down.  I hope to have the script finished by Monday.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Out of My Head

I am one of those people that would easily be described as "in my head".  Yup, that's me.  I'm not sure if others know it or notice it or even give a crap.  But - I have to tell you... more often than not, I give myself a headache.  Quite literally.  I sometimes find that my jaw is clamped down hard for extended periods of time.  I wouldn't go as far as to say I grind my teeth but I am probably only about one step away from doing a little damage to my enamel.

The truth about it is... I annoy myself more often than not with the seriousness with which I take so many things.  There is certainly a time for seriousness and there is a time for lightness.  I do enjoy thinking and forming opinions.  I think everyone should do just that.  Figure yourself out.  I tend to believe, or like to believe - even if not fully acted upon - that life is mostly supposed to be lived in the light.  Having faith in life, which is relatively simple, gets interrupted when one resides so much in their thoughts, dissections and beating the life out of, well, life.

Last night I went to dinner with Spice.  We had a really good time.  I was in a mood.  A good mood.  A light mood - a fun mood.  The kind of mood where I didn't feel like tearing everything apart and figuring out exactly why I felt this way or that... I just felt like being present to the present.  So - I that is what I did.  I'm not sure how I did it exactly but I did.  I had been feeling shaky all day about everything.  Not literally shaking but shaky.  Then I prayed for some lightness to enter my life.  And before I knew it... there I was. 

And it really did feel good.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Random Thought #25

"MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood."
- from a forward

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Recall

"Remember your dreams" is what was said to me after my mini-rant.  And remember them I did.  It is so easy to go off track, to forget why your feet are planted where they are.  It is so easy when you see others procure definitive change while you simply kick up dust.  It is so easy when you watch them go a little further ahead without much effort.  Or, maybe, the effort is more than it appears.  Maybe...

Every once in a while the path much taken and the path less taken share small stretches.  Sometimes it makes you wonder if the path you are on is worth it when others seem to be running ahead on their own path.  Way ahead of where you are.  Why do they only have to share the dry ground, not the muddy (harder to get out of) ground? 

"Remember your dreams" and then it all came rushing back.  It's fine.  Their mud is around too.  Just can't see it here.  May never be able to see it - but no matter who you are - the mud will come and go and come and go.  Some of us just have to wade through alot of it in the beginning so that the next stretch can be like walking on pavement. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Inside of a Miracle

Miracles.  They live amongst us.  Every single day, we pass them on the street, we don't always know they are there but they exist.  Once in a while though - we actually get to acknowledge one. 

A five year old's birthday is always a joyful occasion.  When it's a five year old who has beat cancer back with a stick, it is nothing short of simply amazing.  With hair growing back in and a big, healthy smile on his face... he yelled "cool!" when he opened his grandmother's gift.  Apparently he is into Hot Wheels now.  As little boys often are. 

All of my nieces and nephews are their own brand of miracle.  Everything about them is simply beautiful.  Seeing them head their way into the world, a little bit at a time... is both anxiety inducing but absolutely wonderful all at once.  Everything growing up should be.

Today, though, reflecting on the fact that my nephew was sick, terribly sick and now has the opportunity to go on and live a new life is where the heart resides.  If only we could all bounce back as quickly as he has.  In all aspects of the human person.  Kids are often resilient.  He proves what it is to have joy at the mere thought of living.  If we could bottle up just an ounce of it and give it to the world, things would certainly make their way to perfect.  But - we can't so it is up to us to simply look around and embrace what we do see.  Flaws and all.  As my nephew has proven to me (as well as many others), you do what you have to do... and you will get to open the gifts that are in store.

Happy Birthday, cutie.  Looking forward to celebrating many more.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Only the Lonely

"Loneliness accepted becomes a gift leading one from a life dominated by tears to the discovery of one's true self and finally to the heart of longing and the love of God."
- Unknown

Once a month (or almost once a month) I sit across from a nun, in a small room, in a building dedicated to finding peace.  "The Little Portion", it's called.  The semi-converted house that is now a comfortable and relaxing place to experience massages, reiki and a host of other activities and events.  For me, I visit for spiritual direction.

Guidance in things spiritual, which for me - relates to almost everything in life, if not everything.  Last night I was guided by Sister to sit with the loneliness I have recently discovered.  Now that I've worked at least part way through some of my anger/bitterness/unforgiveness issues, I've been feeling left with all this empty space.  And I realize, in many aspects, the truth of the matter is... I want someone special to share my life with.  In a way I have never felt before.  Not that I have never shared my life with someone special but I am coming from a different place now, a different angle, a different way of looking at things and experiencing things.

What I want is eros.  Romantic love. 

While I know this is important to me, I have often and easily avoided it - whether consciously or not.  It's been pretty simple, really.  Go out with the wrong guys, settle for the wrong guys (albeit, briefly) or have some meaningless flings.  Personally, I found myself searching for nothing but momentary fun and found little of it.  (There are a few exceptions, of course - to all of this.)  Have I been honest?  Yes, I have been.  I never intended to get involved with anyone with the intention of it simply not working out.  My desire for "fun" was genuine.  And my mind, though not my proverbial heart, remained open to falling in love.  I just found myself quietly not wanting to settle down to any one person for too long.  There was always an emotional piercing of fear that came with that idea.  Losing myself had become my greatest defeat in life and one that I was not willing to suffer again.  So - I didn't.

Now, however, things are a little different.  I'm ready to be vulnerable.  I'm ready to let myself go (emotionally - I'm still working out).  And, yet, now there are no real love interests in sight.  Which is - gulp - ok. 

My spiritual director pointed out to me that she noticed I am just sitting with my loneliness and that it is a wonderful place to be.  (Not that I want to be here forever.)  She is right.  I am not trying to fill it with the things I have in the past.  Shopping, drinking, eating, spending money, online dating, exercising and even... possibly... medicating myself into not feeling it.  Loneliness is not depression.  It is a very distinct feeling and experience.  Unpleasant, yes but completely normal.  I have used each of these as a way to ward the underlying feeling off.  Not that every time I have done or used these things, that was what was on my mind... it didn't work exactly like that either.

It is in loneliness that one can get to feel who they really are.  They can see it without intent of making it different.  That is, if one chooses to feel it completely and totally.  Without running toward somewhere or something else.  There is a depth to it that can be unmistakable but surely there.  As I said before, I do not hope to always feel it (that would be crazy) but for now, I can accept it and not follow any of the old paths.  I do believe I will know when it's time to step back out into the world completely but for now my life is beckoning me in another direction.  And in that direction, I will go.  Alone.   

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Book One: Check

"One part at a time, one day at a time, we can accomplish any goal we set for ourselves."

- Karen Casey, from Achievement of a Life Goal

It is a slow hill to climb.  This whole studying bit.  I like it but I don't love it as much as... say... writing.  I would still much rather be spending my days, weeks and months helping people get fit than what I do now for a living.  Writing and school on the side.  So that one day - writing can take over as my source of income.  Not that I won't work on it before that day comes... who knows... maybe it will come sooner... but for now, I'm studying my materials and preparing for a $200 exam that states whether I am certified or not.
 
This morning I finally finished the first book on my journey.  I have the end of chapter notes to continue going over.  I do wish I loved it just a smidge more than I do at the moment.  I think this book just bored the crap out of me, to be honest.  But - I had to study it.  Had to get through it so I can move onto the next book and accompanying workbook. 
 
Either way though - I've made real, discernible progress.  And that is a good thing.  A very good thing.  I am one step closer to where I am headed.  Wherever that might be.  I can envision it but I do not exactly, really know what my future is going to look like.  It's a curious thing, really.  Each day that passes... I make progress... something new is being formed but I am not really sure what the final product is going to be.  I am sure that I am not alone in this situation.  Curious how it's all going to work out... hopeful that it works itself out for good... knowing that deep, down inside it will... but still unsure in some sort of way.
 
 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Happy Meals

When I was a kid... oh so many years ago... (not as many as some, way more than others)... kids rode their bikes.  Kids ran around outside.  Kids played games like tag and jailbreak and Marco Polo when the weather was warm.  Kids went sledding when the snow fell and roller skating on Fridays.  Kids were active.  Just like they ought to be, in my opinion. 

You know what else kids were not?  Obese.  Sure, there was always one or two kids in the class who had extra (sometimes alot of extra) weight on them.  Unfortunately, they often got the short end of the stick.  They were made fun of (which was not ok) and finding friends may or may not have been easy.  I felt for them.  Always have.  There's no reason to base your opinion on someone because of their weight.  They may or may not have an eating addiction or disorder.  They may have a medical condition or medication issues you are unaware of.  There is simply no reason to allow weight to tie into whether or not they are a worthy person for your friendship, caring and compassion.  The fact of the matter is... no matter what... no one is perfect and judging someone on their weight alone is shallow.  Simple as that. 

I have certainly battled with my weight a bit too.  It happens.  Especially as you get a little older but these days - there are problems with more and more children becoming larger than they should be.  I'm not talking about a judgement on the children per say.  I hate to throw it out there but much of it resides on the part of the parents.  Life has become more complicated, more difficult, harder to manage and nearly impossible to "get right" - not that anyone ever has or ever will.  Even saints are sinners.  Childhood obesity, I would say, is a symptom of a much larger problem... it is not a singular issue with one singular answer.  It is, however, an issue that can be fixed.  While the overarching problems that have produced this symptom are more complicated than a mere "do this, don't do that" attitude... when it comes to this... there are options, however.

In San Francisco, the city itself is considering a ban on Happy Meals.  Not only does this go against the rights of McDonald's to offer the Happy Meal... this goes against the rights of the people to make their own choices about what their children may or may not eat.  If you want McDonald's to get rid of something on the menu, complain to the company - boycott the company until they comply... do not take it to a vote by city officials (the government) to decide about whether or not you have a choice in your food stuffs.  This is creeping in eerily close to control of the people.  Yes... we have to pay for some of the medical issues down the road due to obesity.  But - there are ways to counteract that too.  And, that - also - can start in childhood.  Making the right choices - by choice - when it comes to maintaining your health - is the individual's responsibility - it is not the role of the government to make this decision for you.

As for parents - they need to be responsible for their children's health and well-being.  Granted, you cannot make them be responsible for it but to throw it on McDonald's as though it is their fault - because they offer a toy along with unhealthy food options (which taste damn good - especially to kids) is unfair and irresponsible in and of itself.  Happy Meals were first introduced in 1979... yet it has not been until relatively recently that the fast food chain has come under fire. 

There are multiple options that parents have to avoid the big, nasty trap that McDonald's has set for their children.  (note: sarcasm)

1) Tell your kids "no".  They will not be permanently scarred because they did not get a Happy Meal once a week (or more).
2) Tell your kids "no" but allow them once in a while, as a treat, to enjoy themselves a Happy Meal.  Make it clear this is a treat and not a way of life.
3) Explain the reasons that it should not be a way of life.  (ie. it's unhealthy to do all the time - and you love them enough to want to give them the best possible shot at living a long and healthy life) 
3) Realize that no one is forcing you to buy your kids fast food.  Make them a sandwich at home.  It may not be as quick and convenient but it'll be loads healthier.  (Though it's hard to imagine how much time it would take to throw together a PB&J as opposed to driving to your local fast food chain.)
4) When you teach your kids to make themselves a sandwich and to slice up some apples to go along with it, you are teaching them to fend for themselves, to be responsible for themselves and to actually be more active than just jumping in the car and going through the drive-thru.
5) Send them outside to play, to run around, to work off the food (no matter where it came from - your kitchen - or Burger King's kitchen).

Is it as simple as this?  Yes and no.  As I said, life is tough.  Balance, in this (as well as all areas) is key to a healthy life.  Teaching your kids this balance can be tricky but well worth it in the long-run.  Stand up for yourself - get the government out of our food choices and options by making good decisions on your own.  Don't wait for someone to take away your options before making the right choice.  If you want the choice of apples instead of fries: speak to the manager, write a letter - ask others to write letters too.  Boycott. Granted, if you think it doesn't matter how heavy your kids are - the right choice may be something different than what I think.  But - if that was the majority of what people think than we probably wouldn't be having the debate at all.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Outside of the Garage

A few times today I have started then stopped some blog ideas.  The first time I did not complete it because my thoughts were certainly not all in order on the subject I was about to address (not that they always are when it comes to this particular blog) but since I was about to delve into the act and idea of "balance" in general, I feel that I should probably have some in a blog about it.  Then I realized that was only a passing fancy and I deleted the beginning of that post.

Second came the blog that I began writing that sounded like so many others.  I realized I was just about to begin boring myself - let alone you.  So, I deleted that one after a couple paragraphs in.

Shortly after deciding to delete both of my previous options, I went back to my reading.  My boring, boring medical terminology charged science book.  Instead of complaining about my rut, I decided to work towards ending my rut. 

Earlier today I asked my dad how his work came along yesterday.  He's been working on fixing up some things around my parents' house.  Something that, for some, can be an extremely gratifying experience.  Working on and improving the home.  He said he got some work done but the overall picture reveals that he actually got very little done.  While he will keep on going and eventually begin to see some real results, at moments he said it just seems like such a big job... as if the progress he has made is none at all.

I completely concur.

A few of my friends have recently asked what I have been up to... what's going on... if I have anything to report.  The answer is usually "no, nothing new".  And that's because there really is very little new.  Not everyone wants to hear about my emotional state and the forgiveness factor and the like when they ask "what's up?".  Usually they want (understandably so) concrete answers.  Like, I've lost ten pounds or I've got a date on Friday or something of that nature.  (No, I don't have a date on Friday - simply an example.)  So... I generally have nothing to say right now.  Not at this moment... not in light of the grand scheme of my life's plan(s).  Still... reading just a little more, going over material that has already been read and making my way through the book is a teeny, tiny step in the right direction.  And usually that is just how it goes.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Entertaining Angels

It was fifty years ago, on a hot summer day, in the deep south. We lived on a dirt road, on a sand lot. We were, what was known as "dirt poor". I had been playing outside all morning in the sand.

Suddenly, I heard a sharp clanking sound behind me and looking over my shoulder, my eyes were drawn to a strange sight! Across the dirt road were two rows of men, dressed in black and white, striped, baggy uniforms. Their faces were covered with dust and sweat. They looked so weary, and they were chained together with huge, black, iron chains. Hanging from the end of each chained row was a big, black, iron ball.

They were, as polite people said in those days, a "Chain Gang," guarded by two, heavily armed, white guards. I stared at the prisoners as they settled uncomfortably down in the dirt, under the shade of some straggly trees. One of the guards walked towards me. Nodding as he passed, he went up to our front door and knocked. My mother appeared at the door, and I heard the guard ask if he could have permission to get water from the pump, in the backyard, so that "his men" could "have a drink". My mother agreed, but I saw a look of concern on her face, as she called me inside.

I stared through the window as each prisoner was unchained from the line, to hobble over to the pump and drink his fill from a small tin cup, while a guard watched vigilantly. It wasn't long before they were all chained back up again, with prisoners and guards retreating into the shade, away from an unrelenting sun. I heard my mother call me into the kitchen, and I entered, to see her bustling around with tins of tuna fish, mayonnaise, our last loaf of bread, and two, big, pitchers of lemonade. In what seemed "a blink of an eye", she had made a tray of sandwiches using all the tuna we were to have had for that night's supper.

My mother was smiling as she handed me one of the pitchers of lemonade, cautioning me to carry it "carefully" and to "not spill a drop." Then, lifting the tray in one hand and holding a pitcher in her other hand, she marched me to the door, deftly opening it with her foot, and trotted me across the street. She approached the guards, flashing them with a brilliant smile. "We had some leftovers from lunch," she said, "and I was wondering if we could share with you and your men." She smiled at each of the men, searching their dark eyes with her own eyes of "robin's egg blue." Everyone started to their feet. "Oh no!" she said. "Stay where you are! I'll just serve you!" Calling me to her side, she went from guard to guard, then from prisoner to prisoner, filling each tin cup with lemonade, and giving each man a sandwich.

It was very quiet, except for a "thank you, ma'am," and the clanking of the chains. Very soon we were at the end of the line, my mother's eyes softly scanning each face. The last prisoner was a big man, his dark skin pouring with sweat, and streaked with dust. Suddenly, his face broke into a wonderful smile, as he looked up into my mother's eyes, and he said, "Ma'am, I've wondered all my life if I'd ever see an angel, and now I have! Thank you!" Again, my mother's smile took in the whole group. "You're all welcome!" she said. "God bless you." Then we walked across to the house, with empty tray and pitchers, and back inside.

Soon, the men moved on, and I never saw them again. The only explanation my mother ever gave me, for that strange and wonderful day, was that I "remember, always, to entertain strangers, for by doing so, you may entertain angels, without knowing."

Then, with a mysterious smile, she went about the rest of the day. I don't remember what we ate for supper, that night. I just know it was served by an angel.

By: Jaye Lewis

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I Forgive You

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
- Paul Boese

Working on forgiveness lately - as some or maybe all of you know.  Forgiveness of one person in particular but, really, several people have shown up in my head while I have been putting my best foot forward in this area.  Most of whom do not need forgiveness per say but, rather, an understanding from me.  An "I'll just let it go" type of thing.  And "let it go", I have begun.

In the process of trying to rewire my brain and retrain my thinking... in the process of trying to attempt the spiritual side of forgiveness as well... the mechanical side has come to light, just a little bit brighter than it was before.  The "in the moment" feeling of the last week or so has been a relief.  Deal with what's here and now... instead of what cannot be changed, cannot be altered, what resides in the past. 

It is so incredibly easy, once hurt, bruised, battered or otherwise mistreated (whether mentally or physically) to just stay with that period of time.  To just stay in that land - whether you are wanted or not - whether you even want to be there or not.  It is relatively easy to replay the pain, as difficult as it is to feel because who knows what may exist for you outside the realm of what you have known.  You know this territory, you know how to navigate it.  If you let all of this go... get your car unstuck from the mud... where might you end up?

That, however, makes it simplistic.  Fear holds me back from moving on.  No... not exactly.  Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of whatever seems like an easy explanation.  But, no, that's not it exactly.  For me, it's been the fear of a lack of justice.  Or what I would perceive to be justice.  I wanted to see it, smell it, watch it.  Not necessarily impose it myself but I kind of wanted to know that it was happening.  I wanted to know that all of those things that I had been brought to believe about myself were not true... I wanted to know that others, particularly those who had disregarded, used, played with and otherwise behaved like I was less than a human who deserved an ounce of respect and real kindness, were brought to their knees too.  Simply put, I wanted those people to just simply prove to me that they were unhappy.  But - this didn't happen.  Not that I have proof nor have I ever had proof that they are happy.

Then comes the next question - why did I want "justice" so badly?

The truth is... because the same thing that got me into some of my messes is the same thing I was trying to combat, even after the mess had exploded all over the room.  Even after the mess had been cleaned up for all intensive purposes... the truth was, a blacklight would should still show the lint on the sweater.  It was still there.  For the same reasons I allowed the mess to get as bad as it did... why I didn't duck and run at the first sign of trouble... or the hundredth sign of trouble for that matter... I really did not know I could or that I should or that there was even a choice in the matter.  How does one not know there's a choice when there is always a choice?  Part of it may have been immaturity... part of it was the need/want/automatic reaction to please others (everyone but myself)... part of it, much of it was simply a lack of love for myself.  Maybe if other people could love me, listen to me, hear me and maybe even react to me then maybe I would be a complete person. 

I looked for the validation in many of the wrong places.  I looked anywhere the wind blew me... in many, many places I should never have even gone.  Which would makes sense to some... or maybe most... the validation never did come.  Once in a while there was a glimmer of hope but the hope never turned into anything more. 

Why did I want "justice" so badly?  Because I wanted to know others were the same as me.  That maybe those people... up there... weren't ever truly any better than me.  Maybe they can fall down from their pedestal.  Maybe I can see it so that I know, for certain, that it's not me... it's them too.  Maybe if they feel shitty, then I'll feel less shitty.

All of this, I realize, is backwards thinking.  First off, in many cases, I am the one who built the pedestal to begin with.  My assumptions often being that the other person was more important than I am.  And if they are not more important, they are more "something".  My value was never diminished, it just simply never existed.  Second, why shouldn't I... instead... build the pedestal up to them... look them in the eye and say "I forgive you for using my weaknesses against me... you may or may not have even known you were doing it... it really doesn't matter what your motives were or weren't.  That is your problem to deal with, not mine.  Not anymore.  You should not have treated me badly but you did and it worked, it kept me in my place for long enough.  But - I don't want that place anymore.  I want to be up here, where the air is fresh and clean.  I deserve to be, same as you.  One day you may need a hand to get back up here, if so, let me know... I am really hoping that I will be, at that time, able to say... here let me help you up.  I'm not there yet, so I hope you either don't fall or you do have someone else to help you... you probably do, as you deserve to... same as me.  I would prefer we just stay out of each other's way for now, probably for good.  But - I am hoping that one day I will be able to say, at least to myself, that if you ever need anything... you can come to me.  For now, I can't but that's ok too.  I forgive you... that's all I am really trying to say."  
 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Ten Pounds

Stall... then movement.  Sweet.  Ten pounds down.  Granted, it's taken me alot longer than I would have liked but I can't complain.  Just as long as the scale does come down, I am pleased. 

Am I following a diet?  No.  Am I paying attention to what goes into my mouth?  Yes.  Am I exercising?  Absolutely.  Within reason.  Am I making some changes to the types of food I eat?  Yup.  Am I enjoying all those super tiny frozen diet meals?  Nope.  Liquid meals?  Uh-uh.

Yogurt for breakfast each morning, along with some cereal, a Luna Bar or some fruit (or fruit juice).  A marinated George Foreman grilled chicken sandwich for lunch on whole wheat with lowfat cheese along with fresh lettuce and tomato, applesauce or a small salad (ok... I got a little tired of the salads so I've taken a break - hence, the no sugar added applesauce)... Mondays and Fridays lunch is tuna on whole wheat with a salad or applesauce.  If I get hungry in between my meals, a snack is fine.

Dinner... well... I can have whatever I want.  Though I try to make sure the sides are all veggies (preferably steamed).  I do enjoy some pasta, some nights - regular pasta, not whole wheat (though for those who like whole wheat - God bless!) - without regret - with cheese on top.  If I find myself hungry after dinner... light popcorn, a low-fat/low-calorie ice cream treat or flavored rice cakes (the mini cheddar cheese ones from Aldi are soooo good).  Should I be getting a few more fruits and veggies?  Yes, probably.  I won't deny it. 

After workout drink... fat free chocolate milk.

Weekend breakfast options change... whole wheat frozen waffles, whole wheat pancakes or some eggs... turkey bacon or turkey sausage on the side.  Fruit juice is a definite.  Fruit is the add-on that I need to pay more attention to there.  It'll be easier when the summer comes.  Somehow I don't enjoy fruits and salads during the winter quite as much as during the warmer months.

When I go out to eat - I get what I want.  When I order in - which is not so often... I order what I want.

I think I may have finally found balance... well... closer to balance... I do still need to up the fruits and veggies a bit.  And I'm not done yet (in terms of the scale) but losing 10 pounds is a relief.  To see the scale at the lowest point it's been in I don't know how long made me feel good.  Not just because I look better or just because I am programmed to think the extra weight is not ok.  I am headed back to my most healthy and most comfortable weight.  I am also headed towards a goal and my efforts are paying off.  Without becoming obsessed - it's working.  Healthier choices.  Plain and simple.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Rusting Off

Last month I wrote less blogs than I have in quite some time.  Not sure if this indicates something or not.  In some ways, I think it's because I am a bit more stable than I have been in a while - yet, in some ways it's because I am feeling more vulnerable than I have in a long time.  Being continually angry... even if on a lower level... just feels like a friend.  It feels like a form of protection.  A dysfunctional one, yes but armor anyway.

Now some of that is gone.  It has rusted and fallen off.  Litter by the side of the road.  Not a necessarily bad feeling but an empty one.  There is this gigantic space in my life that needs to be filled.  (And, no, I'm not talking "God sized hole" here - we're closer than we have ever been.)

Still, there is something very large missing from my life.  Something I have looked for though not well... something I have started then stopped, stopped then started, something I had interest in being open to but still kept myself closed off.  It's something simple yet complex.  Common and uncommon all at once.  It's love.

Romance, sure.  But - that is not the only type I am talking about here.  Friendship, uh-huh and family, of course.  The more elusive for me has been where it all begins.  Within.  (Ahh... I feel like a new age hippie.)  Moving beyond what I think the world wants to see or what others think is "right" and deciding for myself what I think is "right".  Doing what I have to do and making it the way I want it.  Standing my ground yet allowing others in to see what is happening.  Not that I have always been close lipped, many who know me know otherwise.  My defenses though tough have done me more harm than good.  This armor is slowly slipping away and I'm like a cut in the open air.  Open to infection but open to healing too.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Blush

If you're like me, you enjoy spending time with people.  Not that you mind spending time alone - sometimes that's alot of fun too.  But sometimes you find yourself seeing things through new eyes.  Doing, sharing and just plain being with others whom you like for one reason or another.  Laughing is on the top of my list though sometimes I forget that.  Sometimes I forget what it is to laugh and love and enjoy.  Sometimes things are serious for a long time and you forget the goofball you really are.  At least, I do.

Looking at myself, I can chuckle once a load is off and see what goofy thing I have said or done in the last week.  The moments that have made me break out into a hot flash of embarrassment before I even knew what happened.  When I reflect on those moments I start to see what I like about myself and the bad starts falling by the wayside.  And strangely, it's in those light moments, hours or days that I can also start to see the beauty of the people around me.  Any envy or negative feelings I may have about or towards others disintegrates into a small pile of rubble, waiting for the trashman to take them away on Monday morning.  Bright and early Monday morning.  (Or dark and early as this time of year calls for.)

I begin to appreciate again.  In that appreciation comes what I admire about the people whom I spend time with.  I begin to see them for what they are, what they aspire to and the wonderful things they have done or will do.  I begin to see them for the bright, shining stars that they are - flaws and all - just like me.  Forgiveness settles into the bones for real or imagined slights and the world is again at ease.  Not perfect but at ease.  After all of these things float through my head the bigger picture for my own life begins to emerge.  The one that seems to reside in a fantasy but could all become more real and more fulfilling than I had originally imagined.  That is - if I can keep the darker days at bay and just get down to business.  If I can do what needs to be done... just as those I love have done - all different but headed somewhere.

Life stalls sometimes.  I wonder if it happens to everybody.  If other people see that they are not really going anywhere at the moment.  That they are treading water because it seems to be the only thing they can do.  When someone is battling something in the mind or several somethings for that matter - it becomes easy to let it take over.  That is just where some of us have lived, I suppose.  But - I want to move.  I want to get it going and start on a new path, a new road, a new journey. 

So... I'll get down to reading, to editing and stop the fretting.  It is easier once the defenses come down, once the acceptance begins and the road begins to look a little more clear.

Thank you to some of the people around me for putting up with me when I am feeling, acting or living lousy - some of it is the medical side of things, some of it is the demons everyone has side of things and some it is also the things I do not have.  But all of it is me.  For better or worse I am stuck with myself all the time so I mine as well get it over with and get down to doing the things I truly enjoy.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Redwood

At times, hypercritical.  At other times, hypersensitive.  And even still at other times, incredibly lonely.  Broken up, broken down and lying like a puzzle on the floor - just dumped out of the box and nearly impossible to put together because the entire puzzle is all one color.  Gray.  One shade, one hue, one blank sheet of next to nothingness.

How easy it would be to get distracted from this puzzle.  What's there to do instead?  That's when you look around and see nothing of note.  You are stuck in a box, hanging from a redwood somewhere in California.  Thing is, you are not even aware you are in California... as far as you know you are in New Jersey or Alabama or in the Sahara for all it matters.  You are stuck in a box after all.  Stuck in a box with a puzzle that will take some time to put together.  You pick up the box it came out of, looking at the cover in hopes that something might stand out.  Nothing does.  Nothing except the words "1000 pieces".

Fuck.

Better get to work.  Somehow you know that once this task is done, you will get out of the box and you will move on.  Where to start though?  How on Earth will this be accomplished?  It may take days, weeks, months or even years.  You try one piece at a time and match those pieces.  Then you realize there are no edges to this puzzle.  How could that be?  You can't even get the border together easily?  What the hell? 

Ok.  Random pieces will be sticking out the sides when you are all finished.  Ok.

Because nothing is perfect after all.  All the healing in the world may give you peace but still some things will remain amiss.  Some things may never go away completely but that's alright - that's what makes us human.  In many ways that's what makes us truly lovable and snuggable.  Even when the ugly is taken out and put in it's rightful place - somewhere in the middle of this odd puzzle lying on the floor in front of you - somewhere in the completed picture.  You become soft because you know what it is to not only face the pain but to move beyond it and make it a piece of art.  Modern art, sure but art nonetheless.

Once you get down from your tree you will be able to look up and see something magnificent... what was your home... what was your jail will no longer be a mystery but it will still be mysterious.  Hauntingly so.  You may even find yourself thanking your giant friend, the one who held you up through the lightning and the thunder and you will begin to realize it was no jail at all... it was an oppurtunity to figure it all out.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Seed

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”

- Thomas S. Szasz

The other day I mentioned that if I can laugh about it, I am over it.  Whatever "it" is, it simply slides into the world of eye rolling and joke making.  However - upon further reflection - there will be some things that I may never laugh over but I can still get over.  Some things in life do not ever deserve actual laughter.  Some things do deserve righteous anger but do not deserve hate - once they have passed through the world of feelings and they have come out the other side.  Which, in my mind, is somewhere in the atmosphere - having dissolved into the light. 

Yet, there is a concrete place where things like these live.  They are always in your memory.  Recalled easily but hopefully they are not recalled unwillingly too often.  Everyone has them lodged somewhere in their brain.  Forgive, yes.  Forget, hardly.  At least not for most of us.  Would it be nice to forget?  Maybe but maybe not so much.  One would be doomed to relive experiences again and again and again if we did not remember "what happened last time".  Which is not to say, of course, that many of us do not have to make the same mistakes time and again before we even realize our mistakes.  Sometimes the oops is bad enough to only have to live through it once.  Sometimes you have to repeat the pattern for years before you start to notice that you have been down this road before and it's not in the best of neighborhoods.

Anger is not a bad thing.  It is simply a signal that something in your world is wrong - sometimes very wrong.  Often, we get tangled up in it for too long and that is when it becomes bitterness and, yes, hate.  In my opinion, bitterness is actually a side effect of hate.  When hate stirs too long in the soul, it turns into a generalized bitterness that tastes too much like lemon juice living in your veins.  You become your hate - slowly but surely - it takes over and becomes a very deep part of who you are as a whole.  Do not think that others cannot see it either.  Sometimes they may not be aware of what they are seeing but it's there like a flashing light above your head.

Anger can be good.  Just as a simple seed planted in the ground is good.  There is the hope that new life will grow from it but sometimes that life is not meant to be.  If the seed is tended and watered and cared for... it may grow up big, strong and beautiful.  If the seed is not taken care of - sometimes it grows into something gnarly and sad to look at. Sometimes it grows into nothing at all.  Which way will you let your anger go?  Will you allow it to be the seed of change and eventual beauty or will you allow it to be the seed of nothing worthwhile?  It is totally up to you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Random Thought #24

"While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart."
- from a forward

(Ahh... drinking MarioKart... now that was a game...)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Venom

Sometimes you carry things with you for a long time. You don't mean to, you just do. You mean to just let it all go - let the past be the past and move on.

Then you try to go to sleep at night - and things creep in. They enter your mind and you try to forget - sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much. Eventually, those things that slip through your lax night filter take residence in your mind, body and soul. They start to become a part of who you are. Slowly, something inside of you begins to rot. No matter how much work you put into other areas, that rotten spot starts to spread. A bad apple, a definite spiritual damper.

Sometimes it's not only at night but at other times too... when you're driving alone... when you're washing dishes... when your walking down the hall at work. Some memories just do not stay buried. You can't help it and that's ok. It's your mind/spirit/soul trying to alert you to something. Something that's amiss inside of you. Something that needs to dissolve in the light. First, though, you MUST bring it out of the dark. This task requires not only speaking of it to those who are willing to listen but also figuring out what you can't figure out about it. Why did that happen to me? What is so wrong with me that the behavior of another party toward me was ok with them (let alone - me)? Why have I grown mean - and callous - and hard inside? Are the two connected? They have got to be.

And eventually you begin to see - they are.

If I can laugh about it while remembering it - I know I'm over it. I'll never forget per say but I can let it go. Some things were just SO stupid of other people that you are not scarred... you are just stuck in eye rolling mode... you tell other people certain things and you just end up laughing. Still - there are those other memories - the ones where you don't laugh. They are the ones doing you harm.

There was a time - a very long time - when I was less critical than I am now. Much less critical. Then stuff happens and you find yourself growing a much deeper resentment toward not only those who hurt you but anyone who reminds you of those who hurt you. For me, I find myself picking apart men - sometimes in a very cruel way - looking at their flaws and deciding on that basis that not only was I not into them (as if simple rejection is not enough)... I would choose to hate them as well. I would find the little things and pick at that like a scab. Not so much to them but in my heart. Some things are funny, yes. And there is nothing to say that the story won't make me chuckle with my girls but there is no reason that I need to find every reason in the book to dislike them. Unless that's the only way I know how to deal with inflicting the same pain that has been inflicted on me.

Is it exactly the same? No. Not in most ways, really. But - in some ways - sadly, yes. Am I purposefully inflicting pain when I reject? No. I do feel bad - most of the time (there are always exceptions). Will I string them along and drag it out and keep an eye on them and use them for all I can get? No. It's not worth the free dinner. Will I use them just to know I have a backup plan? Hell, no. They deserve better, I deserve better.

Still... there's something to be said for my scab-picking. There's something to be said for the fact that I cannot just let it go at the pure simplicity that I am not digging them because they eat their peas a little funny. (One at a time, really?) I need to justify my rejection and turn it around on them. At least internally.

Will I laugh about the peas? Yes. Probably. Will I laugh about other things to? Yes, I will. But do I need to turn that annoyance into actual hate? No, I do not. Can I maybe start to see the good things too? And learn to mention those along with the peas? Sure. I can try. Because there is no reason I need to turn my venom around on those who haven't hurt me in order to get back at the ones who have.

Working toward forgiveness is a process. Recognizing my own behaviors and how they are related to my feelings helps me to understand maybe a little of where the offender came from. I'll never understand all of it but maybe - in the long run there was nothing inherently wrong with me - maybe all the pain inflicted was solely based on them fighting what they could not see.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Off Seroquel

Riding high amongst the waves
I can feel Like I
Have a soul that has been saved
I can feel like I
Put away my early grave
- Amongst the Waves, Pearl Jam

Yesterday a few people asked me how I was feeling and others just listened to me rattle on about it regardless of whether or not they asked. Well - really - it was only two people who heard me rattle on about it. Both very good friends.

Getting off Seroquel.

It's like coming out of a coma. An emotional, cloudy, physically uncomfortable coma. Ok... maybe I should liken it to a really long hangover. That would probably be more like it. One where I spent half of my time unconscious.

Having done a little reading up on what others are saying about the Seroquel world, it seems I am not alone. Stomach issues, weight gain that is not fully explained even with the extra hunger I felt (which may not have been hunger at all much of the time - it may have actually been acid) and cannot be lost,an excessive need for sleep and completely dibiliatating days on the couch here and there were the physical sides of it. The mental/emotional side - well... it sometimes got pretty ugly.

Meanwhile - after one day off the full dose (still taking a smidge to help me sleep) I feel like my world has been returned to me. I feel alive again and free. The weird part is not even realizing how bad a medication is making you feel. When it starts slowly and then the symptoms begin to increase as the dosages do, it almost seems natural. You fail to see the correlation until one day you realize something in your life is just not working. Something big. Then you say... let's put our finger on it. Preferably to your doctor.)

Twice in my life I found myself in a particular kind of rut. Not that I have only been in two... but twice I came to a place where all I could do was sit down (or lay down) and say "something about me is different than nearly everyone else... something is wrong... what is it?"

One of those times was a few years ago when I first approached the doctor about getting medicated for the first time in 10 years. The second was just recently when the weight just wouldn't come off, the studying came to a near stop (imagine: when you almost completely stop at a stop sign but then just sort of roll through, foot on the brake but not pressing down all the way), the aparment is a disaster, credit card balances have taken a leap (though new clothes really were needed), your job is completely intolerable because you see no way out and your love life is DOA (as so delicately put by The Rembrandts). Emotionally - well - everything just stopped being clear anymore. And yelling at people had become a regular occurance. Not like me at all.

Did I mention that aggitation is another noted side effect of Seroquel? I'm talking on the packaging kind of noted. Same as weight gain. Both of which I knew about but simply chose to ignore and in some ways - disbelieve.

Yesterday I felt great. Today too. Hopefully this time it sticks - at least for a good, long while. (If not for good.) This is not to say that I am totally down on Seroquel or that I am going to trash it. For some people, I'm sure it's a Godsend. I mean that quite literally. I'm sure it can be an answer to prayers. It was for me - at first - when the dosages were still small. Even if it became a nightmare later... it was something I was incredibly thankful for until it's time ran out.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Rescues

Honestly, I was going to write my blog about how good I'm feeling, blah... blah... blah. But - after watching several of the Chilean mine rescues, I just have no interest in writing a blog about my medication.

We're getting to watch 33 miracles today. Right now... as I'm posting this... we're up to 21 miracles the world has witnessed. Now, the nay sayers might disagree... that this was all luck. Me - I'm pretty sure prayers played some part in it.

Life is a beautiful thing sometimes... even on the news.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Starting Tonight

So, it begins again. I'm starting from (almost) scratch and I'm hoping it'll work well. I got my new prescription today and having it gives me a sense of hope I haven't had in a while. Am I sure it's going to work perfectly? Not so much... but I am hopeful that it will. That maybe this weight will finally start to budge and that I can start to feel a bit more like me again. Turns out that Seroquel does, in fact, cause metabolic changes that very well could be contributing to why the weight is just not going anywhere. I also happen to know - from experience - that it sometimes increases the appetite like crazy. Usually when it wasn't working in other regards also.

The new medication is not a major sedative like Seroquel so I'll still be taking just a bit of that to help me sleep at night. I look forward to maybe - just maybe waking up naturally again. The only times I have been able to pull that off was on vacation and while in West Virginia. Even then, though, it wasn't every day - not by a long shot. To feel rested for once (hey - I don't have kids to explain it) may be pretty neat. Being able to wake up and go to the Farmer's Market on Saturdays... for me was only a dream. (One of my smaller ones...) But this Saturday it may actually be a reality. Waking up simply because the sun is shining in my window - how freaking awesome would that be?

I'll let you know though - only five weeks until my levels on the new stuff are where we're aiming for. Only five weeks until things may really begin to start getting better.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Stripper Names in the Real World

When you hear certain names you sometimes get an immediate impression.  Names like, say, Candi.  Then - when you actually see the person you find yourself surprised that their boobs are normal sized, that their hair is not platinum blond and they are not wearing six inch heels with a super short skirt.  When you are told that your new therapist has such a name... you kind of wonder who's going to be shaking your hand when you meet them, who's going to greet you in the lobby and who's going to be listening to your innermost workings.  Reminding yourself that Candice is a perfectly respectable name... you try to talk yourself out of stereotyping and just prepare for the pleasant surprise of someone new entering your life.

I am really glad that was my thought process because she is completely awesome and it left me room to laugh at myself - which I need to be able to do for a good experience in therapy.  Not that I plan to insult her by telling her my original thoughts on her name.

By the end of the session she was saying that working with me is going to be fun.  Something about that made me feel pretty damn good.  At least I'm not a drag for them.  I know my last therapist enjoyed working with me.  I am also pretty sure, just based on this one hour session that we are going to do good work together and maybe once and for all... I can get rid of "the face".

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Million Piece Puzzle

At 33 he was concerned that he would never face postseason play.  His career is limited.  Young, yes, but pitchers don't have an arm that will last them forever.  The rotater cuff only lasts for so long - even if throwing a baseball is excellent exercise for it.  Even excellent exercise has it's limits.

Last night, here in the Philly area (and many in Cincinnati too) we watched a 54 year old record matched on the road to the World Series.  I, for one, could barely contain myself.  I had to sit silent and enjoy the moments after the game ended so as not to burst into tears.  He called it a dream come true.  One can only imagine the magnitude of gratitude he probably felt or is still feeling today.  It was amazing.  Nothing short of light and love on the field. 

A few years ago I had a friend mention that "everyone has faith in something".  I wonder if this is true.  I wonder if that's what sustained Halladay last night as he made his way to his last pitch.  I wonder if it was faith.  Whether it was faith in his ability, his arm and/or fate.  (Or a higher power - of course.  Believing in fate in many ways implies belief in someone or something much bigger than ourselves.)

In recent weeks, I have found myself not so focused, not so great, not so loving and not so happy or nice.  But - in the most recent of days I have found myself very focused, very loving, very happy and rather nice in both mind and spirit.  Something I almost began forgetting how to be.  Nice may be a weak adjective but it's still a very complete one at times.  Something inside of me clicked while down in West Virginia and I've been carrying it around with me ever since.  It's something very simple though not so simple - something I do not really have to understand but I would like to understand.  It is simple, easy and quiet faith.  The kind that whispers in your ear that it will all be alright. 

Mason Cooley once said "Faith moves mountains, but you have to keep pushing while you are praying."  I feel like I get it.  I just have to do what I am supposed to do and it will come.  Just a little work here and a lot of work there, building a million piece puzzle, one piece at a time.  Meanwhile - others are doing the same - whether by accident or on purpose and we will meet somewhere in the middle.  Somewhere where faith truly resides and dreams do come true.

Halladay would not have been able to have his dreams come true last night without the help of his teammates and the other team's inability to hit the ball.  Not to mention all who have helped both him and those around him during this series along the way.  And, of course, fate... (which I personally do believe in - which is probably no surprise to anyone).  Still - there is something to be said for Roy himself.  The practice, the repitition - the mentality that he could in fact kick some ass if put in the right situation - and the strength to keep going even when it seemed he would never get to shine.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Laying Down the Tracks

Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come.

- Under the Tuscan Sun

The truth is I had a GREAT weekend.  I was out of the area, out of my head and enjoying life, the moment, the stories and my loved ones.  I spent the weekend in West Virginia doing a few different things.  I spent time with my Pop-pop and with my mom.  I did alot of driving, alot of listening, just a little talking, a little reading, some eating, some visiting with my beloved, some Greek food (no, not in West Virginia), and some book browsing at a used bookstore. 

I also did alot of thinking.  Strangely, the real thinking came as I watched a woman on stage, playing her harp beautifully.  This wouldn't normally be my sort of thing but she did get my brain flowing close to "right".  I read her bio on the program and  I listened to her speak between songs.  Some about her, some about the songs and other random facts like how way back when - in Scotland - your debtors could take almost everything from you but if you played the harp... they couldn't take your tuner.  This was prohibited legally because if you couldn't tune your harp you couldn't make any money to pay your debtors back.

I got out some paper while I listened and started to jot down ideas of what I would ask her if I could interview her.  What I would ask anyone who had been willing to just simply follow their passion as she dutifully did.  She started out in Cleveland, Ohio, after all and most people run from West Virginia... they don't usually migrate there.  And then I had an idea.  I won't be sharing this idea but needless to say, it's part of something I have been searching for over the last however many years I began searching ideas of what I could write about.  I've never wanted to be straight fiction or non-fiction but a bit of both.  I found myself not really day dreaming but critically thinking about how I could make this idea happen.  I'm still thinking...

But - there is a big part of me that simply needs to start preparing and start waiting for my train to come.  I need to be patient.  (Don't most of hate the "p" word.)  I need to lay down the tracks but I also need to expect that one day, in some way, as long as the groundwork is there... my train will come.  It may feel four hours late but I'll be waiting on the platform with my bags packed, ready to wave my old life goodbye.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Back to the Drawing Board

"I've fallen down but I'll rise above this"
- Rise Above This, Seether

I decided to write it all down as a narrative.  Maybe not every little, last detail but the overall effect of it all on me and what the general circumstances were.  In the course of doing so, I recalled the first time I felt inferior to someone and how that feeling has persisted with me to this day.  Not only with her but with so many others too.  Strange part is how I keep going back - or sticking around - to feel it again.  Over and over.  It's right there on those pages.  How I keep myself in situations in which I do not rise above.  Strange how the subconscious works to keep you down, if that is what you have usually known.

This is not a pity party, just an acknowledgement.  And I will take each issue and beat it to death.  One at a time.  I mean, a merciless but complete death - if I can.  I've read that I need to acknowledge, mourn my losses and move on.  I just have to figure out exactly how this gets done without annoying the crap out of everyone around me or alienating myself in the process.  All of my major issues reside on those pages... there are things I do not recall but what I do recall, ain't so pretty. 

Maybe I can expel it through writing (no, not all here).  Maybe that's my natural defense.  God gave me the ability for a reason.  I hope it means I'll be selling my work eventually.  But, for now... I'm ok with this.  I'm ok with using it for my own personal means... until the losses are just mere memories... memories that no longer cloud my thinking or make me feel like there's something lurking, waiting... hunting. 

Last night I had a terrible nightmare that someone was in my apartment.  When I woke up, I was convinced of it for quite some time.  I just lay there eyes open, listening and waiting.  Frozen until I fell back asleep.  The truth is... there is something lurking outside my door, something in the dark.  Can I continue to let it get at me?  Well, that's totally up to me.  Will I?  I hope not. 

And what led me down this road?  Envy.  To be honest.  I see how others are out in the world.  Some of the people I love to spend time with.  I see and feel a difference between them and me.  It's not jealousy, mind you.  Just simply me noticing how at peace they appear to be with who they are... that they are who they are... that they are willing to present that person to the world.  Which is also not to say that I never do.  I have fun when I'm out with my girls (and the few guys I have remained close with).  And those who are close enough to me know the real me.  To make this clear... it's not that I hide myself exactly... I just would like to work through the stuff that causes me to be stuck sometimes (sometimes mid-sentence) and I would like to feel objective about the past.  It is what it is after all.

Guess what it all comes down to is simple... I've got more work to do.  I'm sending my ass back to therapy.  I may have to start all over with someone else but it'll be worth it.  I really hope it'll be worth it.  I had never felt so good as when I was going there regularly.  Now it's been months but things just aren't going the way they had been.  And I have simply uncovered a few things that run amok in my brain just a little (or way) too often.

Monday, September 27, 2010

8 Gifts

THE GIFT OF LISTENING

But you must REALLY listen.

No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.


THE GIFT OF AFFECTION

Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.


THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you".


THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.


THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT

A simple and sincere, "You look great in red", "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.


THE GIFT OF A FAVOR

Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.


THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.


THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION

The easiest way to feel good is to make other feel good.


Authors Details: Unknown Author

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Desserts is Stressed Backwards

Back into the world again, my friend. I have spent the last five weeks holed up in my apartment Monday through Thursday in order to exercise, exercise, exercise. And my body has changed. Strangely, though, as I have previously mentioned my weight loss has been rather small. I'm losing but it's definitely at the slowest pace I have ever encountered. It's been frustrating. Not to say I'm not pleased with the body changes regardless of the lack of scale changes, I am. Still, it'd be nice to see the scale come down.

I think I have been taking the wrong approach to all this. I think I finally (accidentally) figured out what I have been doing wrong. I think I have stressed my body out both physically but mostly mentally (which translates into physically)to the point that I was sabotaging myself.

In the past week I have gone from watching what I eat to the point that it was bordering on obsession (mostly because I was so freaking hungry that I couldn't pay attention to much else) to going ahead and satisfying my hunger pangs. And guess what... go ahead... guess. My scale has not gained anything. In fact, if I am predicting correctly... tomorrow, in my "official" weekly weigh-in, I predict I will have lost a little more. I didn't fall off the dietary wagon on purpose, it was by accident. But - I'm kind of glad I did. It made me think... maybe I have been going about this just a little too fanatically.

I have turned down offers to hang with my friends (though working until 7:30 each night does not help this either) and I have veered away from going out at all. Well, with all the mental cloudiness that was going on, I could not catch focus enough to stay on top of things quite the same way. And it has paid off after all. Not just on the scale but also in the way I am feeling.

Yes, I would like to go out during the week again. Yes, I would like to eat something a little more interesting than a few crumbs several times a day. This is not an announcement that I will be going back to all my bad habits. And when I'm on the late shift at work I will still be taking alot more "me" time. But - when I go back to days I will not and can not go to staying alone all the time. I am a naturally very social creature. Not having that for the last five weeks has been a bit much for me. Life is too short to spend too much of it like that. I will not be going out every night (can't afford that since OT has been slashed) but I can afford to go out sometimes. If anything, I can't afford not to.