Only the Lonely

"Loneliness accepted becomes a gift leading one from a life dominated by tears to the discovery of one's true self and finally to the heart of longing and the love of God."
- Unknown

Once a month (or almost once a month) I sit across from a nun, in a small room, in a building dedicated to finding peace.  "The Little Portion", it's called.  The semi-converted house that is now a comfortable and relaxing place to experience massages, reiki and a host of other activities and events.  For me, I visit for spiritual direction.

Guidance in things spiritual, which for me - relates to almost everything in life, if not everything.  Last night I was guided by Sister to sit with the loneliness I have recently discovered.  Now that I've worked at least part way through some of my anger/bitterness/unforgiveness issues, I've been feeling left with all this empty space.  And I realize, in many aspects, the truth of the matter is... I want someone special to share my life with.  In a way I have never felt before.  Not that I have never shared my life with someone special but I am coming from a different place now, a different angle, a different way of looking at things and experiencing things.

What I want is eros.  Romantic love. 

While I know this is important to me, I have often and easily avoided it - whether consciously or not.  It's been pretty simple, really.  Go out with the wrong guys, settle for the wrong guys (albeit, briefly) or have some meaningless flings.  Personally, I found myself searching for nothing but momentary fun and found little of it.  (There are a few exceptions, of course - to all of this.)  Have I been honest?  Yes, I have been.  I never intended to get involved with anyone with the intention of it simply not working out.  My desire for "fun" was genuine.  And my mind, though not my proverbial heart, remained open to falling in love.  I just found myself quietly not wanting to settle down to any one person for too long.  There was always an emotional piercing of fear that came with that idea.  Losing myself had become my greatest defeat in life and one that I was not willing to suffer again.  So - I didn't.

Now, however, things are a little different.  I'm ready to be vulnerable.  I'm ready to let myself go (emotionally - I'm still working out).  And, yet, now there are no real love interests in sight.  Which is - gulp - ok. 

My spiritual director pointed out to me that she noticed I am just sitting with my loneliness and that it is a wonderful place to be.  (Not that I want to be here forever.)  She is right.  I am not trying to fill it with the things I have in the past.  Shopping, drinking, eating, spending money, online dating, exercising and even... possibly... medicating myself into not feeling it.  Loneliness is not depression.  It is a very distinct feeling and experience.  Unpleasant, yes but completely normal.  I have used each of these as a way to ward the underlying feeling off.  Not that every time I have done or used these things, that was what was on my mind... it didn't work exactly like that either.

It is in loneliness that one can get to feel who they really are.  They can see it without intent of making it different.  That is, if one chooses to feel it completely and totally.  Without running toward somewhere or something else.  There is a depth to it that can be unmistakable but surely there.  As I said before, I do not hope to always feel it (that would be crazy) but for now, I can accept it and not follow any of the old paths.  I do believe I will know when it's time to step back out into the world completely but for now my life is beckoning me in another direction.  And in that direction, I will go.  Alone.