Rusting Off

Last month I wrote less blogs than I have in quite some time.  Not sure if this indicates something or not.  In some ways, I think it's because I am a bit more stable than I have been in a while - yet, in some ways it's because I am feeling more vulnerable than I have in a long time.  Being continually angry... even if on a lower level... just feels like a friend.  It feels like a form of protection.  A dysfunctional one, yes but armor anyway.

Now some of that is gone.  It has rusted and fallen off.  Litter by the side of the road.  Not a necessarily bad feeling but an empty one.  There is this gigantic space in my life that needs to be filled.  (And, no, I'm not talking "God sized hole" here - we're closer than we have ever been.)

Still, there is something very large missing from my life.  Something I have looked for though not well... something I have started then stopped, stopped then started, something I had interest in being open to but still kept myself closed off.  It's something simple yet complex.  Common and uncommon all at once.  It's love.

Romance, sure.  But - that is not the only type I am talking about here.  Friendship, uh-huh and family, of course.  The more elusive for me has been where it all begins.  Within.  (Ahh... I feel like a new age hippie.)  Moving beyond what I think the world wants to see or what others think is "right" and deciding for myself what I think is "right".  Doing what I have to do and making it the way I want it.  Standing my ground yet allowing others in to see what is happening.  Not that I have always been close lipped, many who know me know otherwise.  My defenses though tough have done me more harm than good.  This armor is slowly slipping away and I'm like a cut in the open air.  Open to infection but open to healing too.