Blush

If you're like me, you enjoy spending time with people.  Not that you mind spending time alone - sometimes that's alot of fun too.  But sometimes you find yourself seeing things through new eyes.  Doing, sharing and just plain being with others whom you like for one reason or another.  Laughing is on the top of my list though sometimes I forget that.  Sometimes I forget what it is to laugh and love and enjoy.  Sometimes things are serious for a long time and you forget the goofball you really are.  At least, I do.

Looking at myself, I can chuckle once a load is off and see what goofy thing I have said or done in the last week.  The moments that have made me break out into a hot flash of embarrassment before I even knew what happened.  When I reflect on those moments I start to see what I like about myself and the bad starts falling by the wayside.  And strangely, it's in those light moments, hours or days that I can also start to see the beauty of the people around me.  Any envy or negative feelings I may have about or towards others disintegrates into a small pile of rubble, waiting for the trashman to take them away on Monday morning.  Bright and early Monday morning.  (Or dark and early as this time of year calls for.)

I begin to appreciate again.  In that appreciation comes what I admire about the people whom I spend time with.  I begin to see them for what they are, what they aspire to and the wonderful things they have done or will do.  I begin to see them for the bright, shining stars that they are - flaws and all - just like me.  Forgiveness settles into the bones for real or imagined slights and the world is again at ease.  Not perfect but at ease.  After all of these things float through my head the bigger picture for my own life begins to emerge.  The one that seems to reside in a fantasy but could all become more real and more fulfilling than I had originally imagined.  That is - if I can keep the darker days at bay and just get down to business.  If I can do what needs to be done... just as those I love have done - all different but headed somewhere.

Life stalls sometimes.  I wonder if it happens to everybody.  If other people see that they are not really going anywhere at the moment.  That they are treading water because it seems to be the only thing they can do.  When someone is battling something in the mind or several somethings for that matter - it becomes easy to let it take over.  That is just where some of us have lived, I suppose.  But - I want to move.  I want to get it going and start on a new path, a new road, a new journey. 

So... I'll get down to reading, to editing and stop the fretting.  It is easier once the defenses come down, once the acceptance begins and the road begins to look a little more clear.

Thank you to some of the people around me for putting up with me when I am feeling, acting or living lousy - some of it is the medical side of things, some of it is the demons everyone has side of things and some it is also the things I do not have.  But all of it is me.  For better or worse I am stuck with myself all the time so I mine as well get it over with and get down to doing the things I truly enjoy.