The Practice

My job is just to offer the practice. Everyone takes it or leaves it as they prefer.
- Krishna Das

I read this quote in an interview with Krishna Das.  He's the "rockstar" of yoga - well - the chant behind yoga, I should say.  He is referring to the practice of chanting.  If you have at least read Eat, Pray, Love (the movie didn't cover it much) you will have an idea behind what chanting is in Hindu spirituality.  It is another way to connect to God, like prayer or meditation.  It's a form of meditation in many ways.  Many of the chants that are done relate to repeating of God's name in it's many forms.  While I don't chant in this way, I do have my own practices that I offer out to the world and people can take them or leave them as they wish.

Few of them have to do with prayers specifically, though often prayer certainly comes into play, at least in my downtime.  Mass cards would be one "practice" that I do actually offer out to the world on a fairly regular occasion.  Otherwise, the practice that I offer outward is no more than a sharing of myself with others.

I do this in two ways in particular... everything else, for me, falls into the category of these two.  Writing would be one, the sharing of love, caring and knowledge would be another in the form of familial, romantic or friendship.  Writing is an obvious one - you are reading it right now.  This is me expressing myself and people will take from it what they do - I can force neither my viewpoint or my thoughts on anyone who does not want to absorb them.  This goes for my blog but it goes for my fiction and poetry as well.  I enjoy putting it out there and hopefully my words will find their audience but that's up to the audience (and fate to a degree).

As for caring for loved ones.  Sometimes this means opening my arms, sometimes my home, sometimes my ears, sometimes my mouth, sometimes my wallet, sometimes my mind, sometimes my time, sometimes it's my knowledge or my laughter they need or want, sometimes it's all of me, sometimes it's just a piece of me.  I try to share as much as I can with as many as I can without burning myself out because then it becomes useless.  The labor of love shouldn't make anyone feel like they're doing hard labor in a chain gang.

So, this is the practice that I offer (and many of you do as well).  The practice of being me.  People can take it or leave it as they prefer - I am just happy to have it to give.

Going Out in SJ

So I have got this issue.  I live in South Jersey but I don't really enjoy going out in South Jersey.  I do enjoy the few times yearly when I go out to eat here for, say, South Jersey Restaurant Week... Farm to Fork week... and a couple other few and far between events.  Not too often though - because as a single woman - going out after dinner for a drink or two can lead to the same old vibe, at the same old place, with the same old people, in the same old way.

Last night a couple girlfriends and I went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant (which happens to have one of the hottest men I have ever seen in this area working there - so I will be going there again) for South Jersey Restaurant Week.  We did the usual, we ate and chatted and laughed a bit - we commented on the food, the decor, the man, what's going on in our lives and we got to know each other just a little bit better.  Then one of us went home, feeling tired and ready for bed - while the other two of us were feeling like going out for a few drinks.  She's on the border of becoming single again (it's looking like, at least) and I am single. 

I was particularly dressed up last night.  Wearing an outfit that I was into and feeling pretty confident about and a pair of shoes which make me feel warm and fuzzy all over, I was ready for a night OUT.  What I found however, was a night OUT in South Jersey.  Oh... yeah... I forgot this is why I don't do this very often.  While it's fun to experience the strangeness of running into people you haven't seen in years, ignorant men who actually attempt to unbutton your shirt for you (leading to a quick slap of their hand and a "what the hell do you think you are doing?" from me), language that should only be used with the buddies (at least until you know the girl alot better), being invited back to your place to play beer pong with your girlfriend and yourself (no I am not afraid of being bad at it, I just don't play beer pong anymore... nor do I want to walk into a strange couple's house to play the game - for goodness sake - I'm 31) and ladies - we are not staring at you, we're watching the band directly behind you - get over yourselves for a minute, please.  It's not that everyone here in SJ is exactly the same... the problem is the vibe is usually the same.  And that vibe is the one that chases me away from most bars, most of the time, particularly in the area where I live.  Not too long ago (while snow was on the ground) Spice and I went driving around in my area, trying to figure out where we could go for drinks.  There were a few parking lots that we drove into and out of... none of which I could settle on for us to stay at.  We ended up having a beer at my place then I drove her home.  One reason was simple - I was trying to avoid bumping into people I used to know because I just simply do not usually enjoy seeing them.  The other was just because nothing felt right or like somewhere I wanted to bother with.  

Last night the Redhead and I did end up being happy and having fun - regardless of the weirdness that went on around us.  However - this is an experience that I really do have to keep to seldom, at best.  I often escape to the city that I live closest to, Philadelphia.  And now a big part of me is really beginning to understand why.  It's not that I hate the area in which I live, it's just that I don't like the area in which I live.  I only live there because that's where my job is and where my education is being sought.  I think it's only a mild experiment for me though... I think it might really be time for me to move on as soon as my first degree is had.   

Maybe it's the same everywhere but somehow I do NOT believe that.  Mostly because I have been other places.  It might just be time for me to really figure out where I truly belong because somehow - someway I am becoming more and more positive by the day that my life is not meant to be lived exactly where I am.  There's something else calling to me, something else asking me to come hither.  I have always wanted it and I really feel it's almost time for me to get it.  I just have to figure out my game plan.  Could be bigger and better than I realize or it could simply fizzle out and die.  We'll see, my friends... we'll see.

Their World

In the past couple months I have returned to the realm of dating (as most of you already know).  Earlier this week I ended it with the first person that has made it beyond one date in quite some time.  And while it didn't work out for multiple reasons, one thing that clicked in my head yesterday afternoon was where my own fault lay in the situation.

Now... some of this comes from the mere fact that I wasn't exactly into him the way I would have liked to be and another part of it boils down to the fact that he wasn't exactly experienced in the dating world.  So... I felt I had to think up all the places we would go on our dates.  The truth is, I did not even give him a chance to come up with an idea or two.  He didn't complain about this or even mention it until the night before I broke it off with him (or made my sorry first attempt at doing so and FAILED - however you want to look at it) so it didn't occur to me to ask him otherwise.

Of course - the fact of the matter is I am an oftentimes busy woman.  As one guy I never did actually date a while back but did speak to on the phone said "busy, busy, busy girl - busy, busy, busy".  (He was complaining to me that I hadn't returned his call soon enough.)  So - sometimes in order to be able to spend time together, I do feel the need to invite him (whomever him is at that given moment) to go to things with me.  Such as, Spice's birthday celebration.  There usually aren't too many complaints from the gentlemen I have done this with and I always let them know the entire deal before we go out with my friends - I also don't abandon them to their own devices in these situations - except, maybe, that ONE time.  I do my best to host them and try to make them as comfortable as possible.

But - maybe, just maybe I should allow for a particular change in this particular part of my dating life.  Maybe I should not be so sure what I want to do on any given night so that I can invite them to come up with some ideas.  Ask them what they would like to do so they can show me a little more of themselves and I can see how I feel about being involved with what they enjoy.  While this hasn't always been a huge problem for me or anything it is looking like I may need to be a little more "open" about certain things.  Welcoming people into my world has never been the problem, it's wanting to see theirs that I feel I may be lacking.

Could this have a correlation to the fact that I never meet men when I am out?  Maybe there's something to it.  Maybe it's ultimately all the same issue.  Maybe I am still more afraid of them than I realized and maybe it's time to change this once and for all. 



   

    

 

That Body

Let that be a lesson to me (and you).  If you've been dating someone for a short time and you find yourself questioning whether you want to continue with it... and you begin to drive yourself and possibly your friends crazy with all your questioning... let me break it to you...

You do not like them enough to drag either of you through sticking with them.

When you mesh with someone, you mesh.  When you like someone you like them, you don't run around questioning it and asking everyone's advice hoping for someone to give you just the right advice to make you feel all better.  That advice is probably not going to come.

He has a good heart but my very first thought this morning was loud and clear.  "If you asked his brother, you'd probably get a very different story."  Sounds weird, right?  As if that should be the deciding factor... what his brother has to say?  Someone I have never met?

In this case, apparently, it was.  It wasn't specifically what his brother had to say... it was what he wasn't saying.  It was that martyr undertone that accompanied much of what he said about his family.  That, for me, was the deciding factor.

I struggled with it though - the thought of hurting him hurt me.  Not that a two week relationship is going to destroy anyone but letting someone down is the tough part.  It always is.  And I am not the kind of girl to just ignore someone until they go away.  That kind of behavior is not only childish but completely unnecessary.

I found myself slipping in the last two weeks.  Back into smoking heavily, back into not writing, back into not reading, back into not working out as consistently.  I found myself slipping.  And these were not good things.  Indicators that something on my end was wrong.  The best version of myself?  Absolutely not.

I guess it's time to find Numero Tres.  Numero Dos had some positives to him... just not the right positives for me.  Except that body... good God, what a body.

The Golden Questions

Who do I become when I am with him or her?  Am I closer to who I want to be when I am with them or am I further away?  Do they bring out the good a majority of the time or do they bring out the bad? 

In all relationships - familial, romantic, friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, even in the "enemy" realm - there are specific dynamics constantly at work.  Dynamics of how others rub off on you, what they bring out of you and vice versa.  We don't always think about these things but often, when we find ourselves immersed in the company of others we may feel this way or that, positive or negative, light or dark, at peace or in torment.  And after the immersion has taken place and we head out into the world elsewhere, things may itch at our brains a bit - we may begin to wonder what that thought or feeling is/was about.  We may be able to pinpoint it, we may not be.  We may feel good, we may feel bad - we may feel a little bit of both. 

However you choose to slice it (or it chooses to slice you), the truth is it never hurts to ask yourself the questions that I mentioned at the beginning of this post.  This will help you discover if the relationship you question is right for you or wrong for you.  If it is right for the other person or wrong for the other person.  They are not always easy questions to be honest about.  Sometimes they are not answers that anyone wants to hear.  It will not always be a matter of getting rid of the relationship, sometimes it's a matter of tweaking.  Sometimes it's a matter of allowing for or purposely allowing it to grow, both apart or closer together.

In the course of many of my relationships, as of late... I have been asking myself these questions.  I would like most of my relationships to stay status quo.  A couple are hanging in the balance of "distance needed".  One or two need a little more of my investment and some are on the edge of "over".  Some, however, are really in an "I don't know" kind of place.  The pros and cons list needs to be written still.  The balance of what is right and what is wrong both with me and with the relationship.  There is no controlling other people and how they feel (at least not in a good way - manipulation is bad and often not possible at all) so in many ways, it's also not completely worth using in your judgement of a situation or the health of a relationship.  In close relationships there is often the need to think of the other's feelings (and discuss the factors involved in maintaining the relationship) - just for the mere fact of being considerate of the "other" but you cannot always allow that to control the outcome.  For better or worse, you may need to walk away in order to be fair to both of you.

Relationships of all sorts can be tough.  Treating others as you wish to be treated can often get sticky during decision-making time.  As I have stated time and time again about someone I used to hang out with... "I couldn't stay friends with her because she drove me crazy most of the time and I found myself talking behind her back.  I don't want to be that kind of friend and she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment."  It's not always easy but often the truth is easier than what we initially perceive.  While you cannot necessarily allow their feelings to be the controlling factor, the best thing for everyone usually works out to benefit both you and them.  As a person with at least some sort of moral maturity, discovering this in between is not only a necessity to a well-lived life but also a necessity to being what many would label "a good person".  You may never be perfect but trying is more than half the battle.    

Without the Worry

On Sunday, I wrote up "A Little Nugget".  And you may recall, if you can recall ALL THE WAY back to the last post, that I said (or Tina Fey said) "you can't worry about it".

I promptly followed that up in my own life with a world full of worry.  Which promptly led to a freak-out and minor league breakdown.  The mini breakdown was nothing to write home about.  I just wasn't functioning, which may be because I just wasn't sleeping right or well.  A small conglomerate of issues have cropped up and now I have to take a few steps back - not only in the dating world but in the work world as well.

I'm feeling stressed and I have lost focus.  Which is NO good.

As some of you know, I am still seeing Numero Dos.  I am not looking to see anyone else at this point (nor am I keeping my options open) but I have to admit, I am not sure where this is headed.  I am not sure how I am feeling.  Excitement has turned to reality and reality reveals to me that I am not feeling ready to jump too far ahead with this relationship.  I am not ready to settle down and I am not ready to have to worry about a relationship in which settling down is the main event anytime soon.  Which is not to say I do not want to date (or that I am ruling out the possibility of being swept off my feet and changing my mind) or spend my time with people in order to get to know them and myself better.

At 31 years old I am doing what many women were doing at 22.  I've done the serious and now I'm trying to do the fun.  Maybe it's a little backward (in most people's minds) but the truth is, I'm good with that.  So, if I am having fun - the logical question is... why the stress?  Ideally, fun does not equal stress.

Recently (don't recall exactly what post it was in) I mentioned that I was ready and looking for "the one", that I did not want to waste time, etc on the wrong people.  However - I now wish to revise that line of thinking since the original line of thinking is what set the worry in. 

I am not looking for booty calls, I am not looking for insignificant flings (unless it's a vacation fling - those are fine and fun), I am not looking specifically for a husband.  What I am looking for is significant connection with the possibility of it being "the big one" without the pressure of trying to get someone (whether me or him) to walk down that aisle.  I am looking to explore options and see what's out there.  For real this time - not while I'm drunk, not while I'm hurting but while I am just plain me.  I do feel pressure from some of the people around me - not all - to find someone because, after all, I am getting older and my pro-creating years are slowly slipping by.  And how pathetic it is for a woman such as me to be ALONE (note:sarcasm).  Do I wish to be all alone, all the time - no.  I just cannot justify settling for the wrong guy. I just can't stomach the idea of settling for someone just so we can make babies and then dislike looking at one another once they're grown.   

Who knows... maybe Numero Dos will become Numero Uno.  But maybe not.  And that's ok too.  I promise - I won't lead anyone on, if he's ready to jump and I am not, I will know it's time to go.  Or if I get to the point where I just don't want to spend time with him, I will know it's time to go.  (Or vice versa - hey - one never knows.)

Here's to the new plan!  Without the worry...  

A Little Nugget

"Yes, you're going to write some sketches that you love and are proud of forever - your golden nuggets.  But you're also going to write some real shit nuggets.  You can't worry about it.  As long as you know the difference, you can go back to panning for gold on Monday."
- Tina Fey

My overall love life thus far has been more often than not, made up of shit nuggets with only a few sparkles of golden here and there.  And while I am not going to claim that it entirely depresses me (hey - I'm a writer, I tend to draw from the good AND the bad, after the hurt finally fades away), I am going to claim that it is a boatload more fun when the sunlight reflects off the shiny nuggets and the reflection hits my eyes.

While I could use Ms. Fey's quote here for writing in and of itself, I'm going to use it for dating instead.  Because as we look a little closer at it, we will be able to see how it can easily relate to both.

"Yes, you're going to write some sketches that you love and are proud of forever - your golden nuggets."

Yes, you're going to have some experiences with men or women that you love and are proud of forever - your golden nuggets.  Even if it doesn't end in happily ever after.  Whether it be a trip you took, a time when you helped them (or they helped you), something funny that happened or just a plain ol' good memory, there are the positives.  Maybe you helped them to open their minds a bit, maybe they helped you open yours.  Maybe you helped them financially in some way without asking for a return on the money (even after you split), maybe they sat with you in a time of grief.  Maybe you said or did something embarrassing and the two of you just laughed privately without letting the world in on the joke.  Maybe you both discovered a new food together - something you still carry with you, even after the relationship is long gone.  All of these things make you into who you are ultimately, little by little, nugget by nugget.  And who you are is an amazing person - with or without someone on your hip.

"But you're also going to write some real shit nuggets."

Yes, you're also going to have some real shit nugget memories too when it comes to the men and women that we choose (or happen) to date/marry/love.  Some of these memories will fall into place as a person in their entirety.  Some of these memories will surround mere circumstances.  Some of these memories will be the awkward, desperate, pathetic and otherwise unsavory comments, conversations and/or moments of realization that all of us have from time to time in our romantic endeavors, whether you are in it for the long haul or the short haul.  Whether you are married for 50 years or the date only lasts 15 minutes because you just can't sit with someone who smells THAT bad.  Or it could even possibly be a romance in your head, that never develops into anything more than a crush.  Sometimes it will be them, sometimes it will be you.  In all actuality, it's often a combination both - you and him or you and her.  Not always but often.

"You can't worry about it."

No, you can't.  You simply can't.  You will, but you shouldn't.  While this statement is really simplistic... it is also very pointed.  Worrying does nothing to help anyone.  If it is going bad... end it (or seek outside help - if it's a relationship that is worth salvaging, like, say, a marriage - or a long-term partnership).  If it's going good, roll with it.  If you're not sure, try to figure out what is making you unsure.  Is it them?  Is it you?  Have you just not given it enough of a chance?  Have you given it too much of a chance?  Whatever you do, however, don't lose sleep over it.  There is a certain sense of "what will be, will be" that would be very useful to ingest and incorporate into our romantic lives.

"As long as you know the difference, you can go back to panning for gold on Monday."

Whether you worry or not, whether you enjoy them or not, whether they worry or not, whether they enjoy you or not... the main thing is... learning to spot the difference between the gold and the shit.  Or the gold covered shit... or even the shit covered gold.  The good stuff and the bad stuff.  The negative or unhealthy relationship that's ignored by way of replacement (sex instead of intimacy, excuse making, enabling out of "love", putting on a face to the rest of the world while you haven't spoken at home in months, the list could go on and on and on) would be gold covered shit.  The shit covered gold would be when there are solvable, fixable problems that are currently getting in the way.  These problems come to all of us at one time or another but ideally - if it's a relationship that is gold underneath, you work through them.  So, whether you end it, you keep it or you decide to try it out for a little while longer - there is always the opportunity to pan for gold, as long as you know what emotional gold looks like - it becomes much easier to find.  


 





 

Getting It Done

A man desires praise that he may be reassured, that he may be quit of his doubting of himself

- Alec Waugh

What is a small round of applause worth?  I guess it would depend on the reason for it.  If it's to make fun (say... if you trip and fall - and someone teases you with a "good job!"), it may not be worth much.  If it's for something you've accomplished, it can be worth a whole bunch more... for instance... if you have just received your degree and your family members start it up from somewhere in the crowd.  If it's for winning the Nobel Prize... well... I can't honestly imagine what that would feel like but I can picture it meaning the world to some people. 

What if it's on a random Wednesday afternoon - when a small group of people discover your secret?  What if it happens to be on a day when you're feeling worn down, burnt out and unsure about some of the directions your path could take?  What if it's at a moment when you're sitting back in your seat hoping she won't call on you.  Not because you don't have the answers to her questions... but because you don't have the energy.  Because you are one hour away from a much needed spring break?

This morning, I received an impromptu round of applause from my class.  Not because I said something amazing in Spanish.  Not because I wowed everyone with my intellect.  But - rather - because I am apparently doing something that even Numero Dos referred to as "hardcore".  And, no, I didn't win a Woody.

I'm going to class during my lunch break.  I hadn't thought of it as anything but what needs to be done.  I simply hadn't gone there in my thoughts as to what it means or if I'm pushing it beyond the usual limits.  When the clapping went on, I felt myself blushing and then I said "thank you" in an awkward sort of way.  I felt silly.  But - I also felt pleased.  A smile crept onto my face periodically through the rest of the class.

After leaving class, I found myself thinking about what had occurred.  It was honestly just what I needed at that exact moment.  I needed the encouragement regardless of the fact that it made me feel silly.  My life, as of late, has been very much about what I have to do to get it done.  And I was beginning to slip into wondering if it was worth it at all.

Numero Dos

Date two.  Well... what can I say?

He's attractive (fantastic face with the cutest dimple, awesome hair, tats, tall and fit), he's sweet and we had a nice time.  We will be seeing each other again.  We have both expressed mutual interest. 

Personally, I am just happy to have found someone I want to go out with twice. This has become a bit more of a rarity than one might expect.  So - we'll see how it goes.

The Lack of Umph

I broke my fast last night.  Not in a hardcore gettin' drunk kind of way but merely in an after dinner drink at one bar (Tootsie Roll - yum) and then two more beers at another place.  Lots of walking around, water drinking and some Diet Coke drinking in between.  The second beer was left with some in the glass as we exited the establishment at closing time.  I was a little chill but that was it.  And, for me, that was enough.  I still got up this morning and took care of what I needed to do.  My dad and I went to pick up my new workout equipment and I put together the stationary bike.  My lil home gym is coming together nicely.

So... let's get to the date.  Shall we?

He is a good guy.  Polite, generous, a good heart.  I honestly cannot say anything bad about him.  However - I won't be seeing him again.  I do wish we could be friends but I don't like to do that anymore.  Friends with guys (for me, at least) turns into mess more often than not... if they're not attached already.  Not every time... but with a certain regularity.  And therein lies the problem.  The reason I will not be seeing him again.

It's not that he's not a good catch.  He's just not a good catch for me.  When we kissed goodnight - ignoring the fact that it was awkwardly put together - there was no "umph".  I need some "umph".  Some "that-kiss-makes-me-want-to-see-you-again" brand of "umph".  Truth be told, I had hoped something would click during the course of the night.  Dinner was fun (even with the lighting issues) and I enjoyed our time strolling around - stopping here, stopping there.  Exploring a bit.  Talking, getting to know one another... the whole bit.  The only problem was... I just felt nothing.  Nothing at all - besides that unmistakable feeling of what I will now refer to as "the lack of umph".  Some would say (including me) a lack of chemistry.

Maybe I am too damn picky.  My dad was more disappointed than I about it not working out when I told him this morning.  He said "maybe it would grow in time".  And maybe he's right.  Maybe I should keep it up for the sake of letting it develop over the long haul.  Maybe I am just too quick to bring down the axe.  Maybe.

Or - maybe not.

Maybe I have felt what I am looking for before.  Several times.  Not just once, not twice but a few times.  And not too often either - which is how I know it when I feel it.  It's a rarity but it's worth the wait.  Maybe it's not a matter of specifically being picky.  I don't have too terribly many requirements.  Though I have some - I am still pretty flexible in many ways.  The thing is - I am on the hunt.  I am not about time wasting anymore.  I am about finding "the" guy.  Or - if necessary - the "guys" whom I may first mistake for "the" guy.  That's fine with me too.  I've made the oopsie before and I may make it again.

"Sorry about that, thought you were somebody else."
"You've known me for a while - who did you think I was?"
"Somebody from the future apparently, not the present."
"That's weird."
"Won't be when the future becomes the present."
"You are a strange one..."
"Not strange... just mistaken."

He's out there somewhere (hopefully) - maybe somewhere nearby - maybe somewhere far away.  I just know that wherever he is... he's going to have the "umph" that I apparently require.



 

Two Dates

Two dates.  Two dates this weekend with two different guys.  One tonight, one on Sunday night.  As Biff said, "play on, playah".  Hahaha, a "playah", I am not.  A woman who's been waiting to go on a date for a long time - I am.  Both opportunities came up so I am taking them.  Truth be told, I am leaning in one direction with a definite slant but I figure it'd be good to give the chemistry a go with both of them.

Unless, of course, the chemistry kills it tonight.  Then I might just have to do the right thing.

Goodness - it feels good to be talking about a love life again. 

Two dates.