Without the Worry

On Sunday, I wrote up "A Little Nugget".  And you may recall, if you can recall ALL THE WAY back to the last post, that I said (or Tina Fey said) "you can't worry about it".

I promptly followed that up in my own life with a world full of worry.  Which promptly led to a freak-out and minor league breakdown.  The mini breakdown was nothing to write home about.  I just wasn't functioning, which may be because I just wasn't sleeping right or well.  A small conglomerate of issues have cropped up and now I have to take a few steps back - not only in the dating world but in the work world as well.

I'm feeling stressed and I have lost focus.  Which is NO good.

As some of you know, I am still seeing Numero Dos.  I am not looking to see anyone else at this point (nor am I keeping my options open) but I have to admit, I am not sure where this is headed.  I am not sure how I am feeling.  Excitement has turned to reality and reality reveals to me that I am not feeling ready to jump too far ahead with this relationship.  I am not ready to settle down and I am not ready to have to worry about a relationship in which settling down is the main event anytime soon.  Which is not to say I do not want to date (or that I am ruling out the possibility of being swept off my feet and changing my mind) or spend my time with people in order to get to know them and myself better.

At 31 years old I am doing what many women were doing at 22.  I've done the serious and now I'm trying to do the fun.  Maybe it's a little backward (in most people's minds) but the truth is, I'm good with that.  So, if I am having fun - the logical question is... why the stress?  Ideally, fun does not equal stress.

Recently (don't recall exactly what post it was in) I mentioned that I was ready and looking for "the one", that I did not want to waste time, etc on the wrong people.  However - I now wish to revise that line of thinking since the original line of thinking is what set the worry in. 

I am not looking for booty calls, I am not looking for insignificant flings (unless it's a vacation fling - those are fine and fun), I am not looking specifically for a husband.  What I am looking for is significant connection with the possibility of it being "the big one" without the pressure of trying to get someone (whether me or him) to walk down that aisle.  I am looking to explore options and see what's out there.  For real this time - not while I'm drunk, not while I'm hurting but while I am just plain me.  I do feel pressure from some of the people around me - not all - to find someone because, after all, I am getting older and my pro-creating years are slowly slipping by.  And how pathetic it is for a woman such as me to be ALONE (note:sarcasm).  Do I wish to be all alone, all the time - no.  I just cannot justify settling for the wrong guy. I just can't stomach the idea of settling for someone just so we can make babies and then dislike looking at one another once they're grown.   

Who knows... maybe Numero Dos will become Numero Uno.  But maybe not.  And that's ok too.  I promise - I won't lead anyone on, if he's ready to jump and I am not, I will know it's time to go.  Or if I get to the point where I just don't want to spend time with him, I will know it's time to go.  (Or vice versa - hey - one never knows.)

Here's to the new plan!  Without the worry...