Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Inside the Mediastinum of Information Retention

In the course of studying one often comes across facts, words or phrases they should know or would like to know but simply cannot remember. For these we often come up with mnemonic devices if it's too difficult. But - what about when you can't seem to think of one? What about if you can think of a reminder for one part of a word but not another?

Today I offer you a small list of words that I simply cannot seem to remember. I will keep trying but I have to admit, I am ready to throw these flashcards out. (I study by flashcard.) If you get an idea for one of them... please, please, please feel free to let me know...

mediastinum (the space between the lungs)

scalenes (an accessory muscle used during physical activity)

serratus (part of a muscle name - important during expiration, I have no trouble recalling the second part of the muscle name - posterior)

atrioventricular (the OTHER name for two of the valves in your heart - though this is my least difficult)

And here's my favorite:

sternocleidomastoid (another accessory muscle; maybe I should just write this fifty times on the board...)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Page Seven

Strange when your brain goes numb from studying. That's exactly what happened to me today. It was time to take lunch. (And, yes, I was still doing my work too.) I am only on page seven of my first textbook and I have so much to study already.

Want to know about the heart or the circulatory system? I just might be able to answer you. While I certainly don't know everything about them, I know the basics... almost by heart. In some ways I think I might be studying just a smidge too detailed. In other ways, I really enjoy knowing stuff so it's not a problem to me.

Last night I had a dream. It was about not being ready... there was near nudity in a public place. A restaurant of all places (which makes sense because of the reviews, I suppose). I wasn't completely naked like the naked school dreams that so many of us have had or will have. I was in a towel. (And I was my thin self again, which gives me encouragement... at least my mind is behind me on the weight loss idea.) But, I was walking around the restaurant in this towel and the manager was annoyed. I told him this was ridiculous and that I would put clothes on. After feeling incredibly anxious last night about everything... weight loss, studying, getting my freelancing started... it was no big surprise that I would have another "not ready" dream. Because I am not. Though it does occur to me today, as I have pondered the dream and what it means that it is ok for me to not be ready. I don't need to be quite yet. It is going to take time. Which also means there is no reason that butterflies should be taking residence in my stomach nor that I should find myself stalling my work for fear of making it actually happen.

Page seven out of two hundred and fifty nine. And this is only the first book. Hmm... lots of time to let panic set in but for now it is time for me to simply buckle down and get busy learning the material.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Organization Step One

Down on my hands and knees with a toothbrush, I spent a good chunk of my early Sunday scrubbing the pink tiles in my bathroom. Hairspray buildup can really leave it's mark.

And so can a little of everything else.

I did not go out this weekend besides an early dinner with a friend of mine on Friday. There were three reasons. One, I didn't find anything to do otherwise. Two, I didn't look especially hard because the truth is right now I am broke. Three, I need to keep working on getting my shit in order so that I can jump into the next phase of my life as clean and clear as can be.

Sometimes you can feel your life beckoning you from a distance and lately I've been feeling the call pretty intensely. It is time for me to move away from some things and into the direction of others. While I am still feeling the draw to go back and repeat what I have done before, I am feeling more of a connection to what's up ahead. But - first - before I can move in that new direction any faster than I have already began to, I need to clean up the mess before I leave it behind. To me, that means organization. Particularly in my home life. The place where I plan to work from and live in. I moved into my apartment a year and a half ago and it was not until I got back from my vacation that I felt as if I really needed to move in.

So, I got internet, I got a new house phone, I got some shelving that is supposed to be delivered this week, I got a new cell phone, I got speakers and a mouse for the computer I'm currently borrowing. I got a chair to sit on while I do my writing and my internetting. After the shelving goes up, I will be able to store my books and that will reduce my clutter by a huge amount. And after that, the few pieces of art I plan to hang will get framed and hung. I have two more small tables to get and a filing cabinet as well. And then I will be done. For the time being. I'm sure that fact will also change as my "new" life continues to evolve.

Stuff is not my concern. Organization, on the other hand, is.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Why Win?

Why win? Out of pity, no. Out of “good for him” cheer, no. (Though “good for him” did run through my brain as I clicked to play the audition video.) Let him win because of personality, which is needed if you are going to have your own show. Let him win because of talent. If he were a dead-pan man with cerebral palsy, pitching the same thing… I’d have to say “pass” regardless of the guilty part of me who would like to say “give him a chance just because…”.

Does his disability have to do with any of it? Absolutely. Is he using it as a platform from which to jump? It seems so but anyone who goes anywhere with anything has to use something about themselves as a platform so what is the difference? Does this have the feeling of exploitation? No, not to me. He knows what he is doing and I have to say, I think he is doing a damn good job of it. His disability is part of who he is, not all of who he is. Who he appears to be is a bright and funny guy who may help people push the boundaries of what they think they know about disabilities. Is it comfortable for everyone when they are faced with someone who is “different”? Not for many, I would even venture to say “not for most”.

As a person with a disability, I can say that sometimes I am brave enough to boldly mention that I am bipolar… at other times, feeling that I may end up feeling the wrath of other people’s judgments, discomfort or ultimate rejection; I shrink in form. My disability, while annoying at times (to me especially, not to mention those who love me though they rarely complain), is what it is. The two areas I am lucky in, is that people do not look at me and know… as they do with Zach Anner. The second, the fact that my medication works as well as it does with keeping my mind mostly clear – many people no longer pick up that something is wrong unless I tell them. (I think.)

For him, people know automatically upon looking at him and I am sure reactions and interactions with him are not always what they should be. People probably often fail to see the person as a whole and only see the illness. The illness is just a part of him, just as it is only a part of me. There is more to anyone with a disability than what meets the eye… they are people too... aside from their disabilities. Anner, he’s a funny guy… with what appears to be wit and an idea that would not only be interesting but eye-opening. It may not be the same kind of disability that I was born with but there is a portion of it which I can understand and truthfully, would like others to understand as well. Should we learn about other people's struggles, yes. Not only for the empathy factor but who know what idea you may have that may help their struggle to be lessened? Who knows what they may be able to offer you as well? Everyone deserves and needs love, after all.

The disabled, whether physical, mental/emotional or both, should neither succumb to a life than is less than what they want or that which is less than a reflection of who they are as a complete picture just because of their disability. Do disabilities give us limitations? Yes. There are solutions, substitutions and sometimes even great opportunity for those limitations more often than not. We should feel proud of what is accomplished despite the difficulties which nature, accidents or life experience have given us. We should also be willing to use our disabilities as part of the story we have to tell, no matter what the medium. Should we use our problems, large or small, as a complete portrait of ourselves? No.

Zach Anner wants to travel, let’s help him do so… and with his personality, I plan to be along for the ride.

Go to the following link and search for Zach Anner – if you feel he’s funny or creative enough, please vote for him. While some things may be uncomfortable for some, please do not let your own discomfort be the deciding factor. To avoid looking does not make anything any better. To ignore someone because you have trouble looking at their imperfections is to ignore them for being human – same as you.

http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Job You Are Not

You are NOT your job. These were the words that got me, more than the card they were written in but less than the motive of my beloved in writing them. He was reaching out to comfort me in a kind and well thought out manner. He gave me a card that spoke of taking care of oneself, having the freedom and "divine right" to say no when necessary and to make choices for myself. And then he personally pointed out that I am NOT my job, as I already stated.

And he is correct. Even if sometimes I forget that. As I did for several days leading up to yesterday. My job is just that, a job. No more a career for me than delivering pizza was back in the day. However, I am better at this than I ever was at getting pizza to people who ordered it. I would get lost easily and I struggled to see the house numbers in the dark and I just plain 'ol felt like a slob doing it for a living. I was poor as dirt at that point and looked like it. That's where I ended up after quitting my last steady job. If it hadn't been for this one, I am not sure exactly where I would be and I am not sure it would be good.

Still - a job is a job. For the time being, I have to swallow it and move on, working toward my future. For me and me alone. Maybe one day I'll have a second or third or more persons to consider but for now it is just me and Fred. And he's happy as long as there is food and water in his bowl and a roof over his head. He is easy to please.

So now... if I take my job out of the equation... who am I? Thanks for making me think about it, my beloved and thank you again for the card.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Growing Up

I picked biff up last night to go see a sneak preview of "Grown-Ups". The movie made us laugh straight through. It made the entire audience laugh straight through. Very well may be the funniest movie I have ever had the pleasure of watching. It didn't bring me out of my post-vacation depression exactly. I was still feeling the weight in my head, my chest and stomach. But - it did help to relieve a little something for me. What exactly, I couldn't tell you but something.

So, I returned to work today. I was miserable coming in but I have since started to feel the depression fading away. I am still not thrilled with my work situation but for now I would be good to keep my eye on the outside of work prizes. I'm working out with my trainer tonight so that'll get me moving again. Hopefully - though while I was in the Dominican I briefly worked with the trainer at the resort. Honestly, he was better at pushing me than my own guy at the gym. And I'll pick up my books to start studying again afterwards. Tomorrow I have another review to do and then on Thursday, I'm studying again and the Texan is coming by to hopefully fix the speakers on my PC. Otherwise, I'm studying that day too.

It will get better... I just know I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next vacation. That's no way to live.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Punta Cana

Day one...

Sitting in Chickie -n- Pete's getting a cheesesteak and a beer, across from our terminal. Spice got a mimosa. It's only 9ish.

"That's not marijuana!" (No, it's Mamajuama.)

"We have no idea what time it is."

Why am I fixing the toilet myself?

Day two...

What a romantic setting to get our spa treatments for... uh... er... um... two straight girls - together. I hope they don't expect us to get into that bathtub together.

This is a game room, NOT a casino. Right?

"You've got a big beer."

"If you plant shit, you'll get shit back."

Cuban hottie sitting next to me at dinner. Beautiful. He is from Miami. He wants to go dancing at 11.

The bartender is trying to sleep with me. "Sex is a big problem down here. I'm young, you're young." I have to go back to my room now.

Day three...

A dolphin named Vincent... I have to admit, I think it was love.

A closet... a beautiful Cuban showed me where it was... it was comfortable and exciting and fun.

"Do you like bad boys?"
"Sometimes."
"I'm a bad boy."
His dimples ate me alive.

Day four...

The Blue Mamba and the last words for both Spice and I... "oh shit". Some waves just CANNOT be jumped.

"You fucked my earrings out." These were not my words.

Vacation is reminding me of what I want out of life... going to have to make it happen when I get home. No if, ands or buts.

Day five...

Stingrays are cute, feeding them is fun, some sharks have no interest in people but they are beautiful in the water.

Score! A picture with my Cuban closet buddy.

Michael Jackson has been reincarnated into a grown man's body. It actually was amazing.

Day six...

It's time to go home and fix my life.

I shouldn't be crying about going back to work but I am. I understand the after vacation blues/crankiness but this is different. This is my soul telling me to get started on what I have to do.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Square (Both Ways)

Leaving for Punta Cana in the morning. The butterflies in my stomach have been coming and going about this trip all week. My mood has fluctuated between awful and less awful at work and I have been mostly packed since Tuesday. Which means my clothing choices right now are not the hottest. I have gotten my nails done and all of my writing is caught up. I am ready to go! Totally ready, at least financially and mentally. Just a few things to throw in a bag this afternoon and/or this evening. I have a couple things to clean up around the apartment and then it'll all be done. Spice and I can go away for the week.

Oh - and I won't be thinking about my date from Friday night. The date was boring. Not my cup of tea, some would say. I like when guys are close to their families. What I don't like is knowing how many tats your dad has as a topic of conversation. He was nice, can't say he wasn't. Although it would have been kind of cool if he had looked more like his profile picture. I understand putting your best foot forward but what I don't understand is offering up only a picture that really doesn't look much like you. It is you. Just doesn't look too much like you. Just one of those things... you know?

Anyway... here is my latest article... and I will see you in just about or just over a week.

http://www.examiner.com/x-16529-Philadelphia-Restaurant-Events-Examiner~y2010m6d13-SquareBurger

Friday, June 11, 2010

I'd Rather Wait, Thanks

"Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?"

-Up in the Air

My next door neighbor asked me a very straight to the point question last night. When it comes to dating... what am I looking for? For some women (or men) the answer to that question may be drawn out and long. A laundry list. If you saw the movie, Up in the Air, you may remember the young recruit Natalie rambles on with her list of desires in a man. She gives little leeway for finding what she really wants... which is love.

Me... I am just looking for the person with whom I laugh - ALOT. I'm looking for someone I am attracted to. (And if you look at my track record... this could mean almost anything... they have ALL looked different from one another.) I am looking for someone with similar goals and values. You love to travel too? Let's go. You love your family and friends also? Cool. Let's go visit with them. There are particulars that I would like but I have to admit, there is plenty of leeway there. I have a particular lifestyle in mind for myself. And something tells me that if I am true to it, which also means simply being true to myself, I will find him and he will value the same things as me. He may even live a similar lifestyle. I am willing to wait for him. I do not want to marry him or be with him for years and years knowing that I am not crazy about him. The truth is, I am happier single than spending time with someone who doesn't float my boat.

Am I willing to give it a try? Sure. Why not? You never know what treasure you might find sooner rather than later. Am I willing to let it go when it's not right for either or one of us? That is an affirmative. If I do not want to jump your bones within the first few dates then we can forget about it. (Preferably I would like it to be on the first date... that I WANT to... not that I necessarily DO but this is where leeway comes in - both the attraction and the first date activities.) If I stop wanting to jump your bones after a couple more dates, a couple more weeks or even a couple months, we should probably both just be willing to move on.

There are things I will not stand for ever again. And there are things I would not stand for to begin with. There are things that may turn out to be deal breakers for one or both of us in the end. Kids and religion top that list. What kind of car you drive is way at the bottom - barely noticeable - though I would prefer to not be embarrassed to riding around in it. (I experienced this once - and while I am well aware I was being shallow, I still hate the car when I think about it. Yet, I've dated and ridden in much, much worse cars. That car represented something to me about him... what exactly, I still have yet to piece together.)

So... when my neighbor asks me that question, I am able to give my answer with all sincerity. And I hope he is too, wherever he is. There will be and have been men who didn't want me for whatever reason(s)... and that is really very ok. They weren't right for me, I wasn't right for them. It happens.

So, tonight... as I head out on a first date with someone new... I'll be keeping my head up and my smile on (hopefully) and we'll see where it goes. Will I be thinking about him while I'm out and about, seeing a new country or will I be thinking about who I can meet while I'm there?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Do Something Different

The fact of the matter is to get something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. I've heard this in plenty of places, in many ways... so, last night I did. I left my card with the restaurant I was reviewing. My first time doing so, which was a little on the scary but exciting side. A little on the bold side. As if my voice matters to them.

Looked like it did though, the way the manager was looking at the card. I hope it did. I enjoyed the place but from what my actual sushi eating friend told me, the sushi itself wasn't so great. Here it is, however... take a look. To get something different, you must do something different.

http://www.examiner.com/x-16529-Philadelphia-Restaurant-Events-Examiner~y2010m6d10-Sips-1225-Raw-Sushi--Saki-Lounge

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Stalling Technique

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."
- Roseanne Cash

Honestly - I am not sure how much bitchier I could get today. Everything my supervisor said to me... I just made it clear I didn't want to talk to him. If there are any issues with my work, past or present, don't bring it to me today. I might end up biting your head off... literally.

Lunch has now come and gone. I am now finding myself in a much better mood. But - as of late - I find myself thinking about changes. All the changes that are occurring around me and within me. Most of my closest friends are going through big ones and the truth is, so am I. The problem I seem to be having is committing to these changes. You know, cutting back on some things so that I can fit in others.

This is making me feel anxious and the anxiety is making me stall. Why am I stalling? I'm stalling so I don't screw up. What am I going to screw up? My relationships, potentially. I have spent the last few years of my life devoting myself to them and now I have to devote myself to me. It's not that I am not moving at all. I am. Just not as intensely or quite as focused as I need to.

I have also heard this referred to as creative procrastination.

"To be or not to be... that is the question."
-Shakespeare

Monday, June 7, 2010

Tavern on Broad

I really didn't express HOW good of time this place provides to me and my friends... I guess it wouldn't be very professional if I did.

http://www.examiner.com/x-16529-Philadelphia-Restaurant-Events-Examiner~y2010m6d6-Happy-Hour-Tavern-on-Broad

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Indeed

Biff got a pug. A cute pug named Phoebe. I was sure she had named her after the Friends character. I was wrong, that was the name someone else had given her. I met her last night... and she pulled on my heartstrings. I miss having a dog sometimes but now is not the time in my life to have one or two. Maybe once I settle back down - though I have no idea when that might be. Not for quite some time, I think. Not for quite some time indeed.

I am talking to a new guy. Got in contact with him through match. Will actually meet him on Friday night when we do dinner. He looks cute to me... and seems pretty nice so far. But, we'll see. We'll see indeed.

Friday night I stopped by mom and dad's on my way back from the dentist (no cavities again - sweet) and hung out with both of them. Particularly with my dad. We discussed Paul Simon and how he got started. How he lived in a flat in England with a group of other starving artists learning his craft. How he puts so much effort and time into making his music what he wants it to be. Makes sure it sounds exactly how he wants it to sound. This is a man who will go to Africa to learn about the music there so he can incorporate it properly. My father pointed out how impressed he was for just going after what he wanted. He lived and breathed music and that was it. He was going to be a musician and that was just it.

We talked about my writing in the same way. That made me feel good. He pointed out that if I am a writer, I don't actually need to "live" anywhere. I told him that would be my ultimate dream (at least for a while) but we'll see. All I can do is take it one step at a time. I have begun marketing myself. That's a new step for me. I have my first business cards made up and I'll be happy to hand them out. Funny thing is, they will most likely be one of many different cards I have for different purposes. I am excited about my future. For the first time in my life, I actually, totally and truly feel like I am living my life for me. And it feels really, really good.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Random Thought #18

"Was learning cursive really necessary?"
- from a forward

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Before the Bruises Show

"No... don't... don't... ow!"

If you were sitting outside of your apartment near midnight and you heard these words coming from a screaming woman, what would you do? What if you knew exactly which apartment they were coming from? What if that apartment was the only one with lights on?

Would you call 9-1-1? Would you be willing to stand outside once the cops got there and would you be willing to talk to the cops after they came out and said "They're just verbally arguing. There were no marks on either of them."

Would you be willing to let them see you? Would you take the chance of really, truly, completely pissing off someone that you couldn't see?

What if you heard her crying "You really, really hurt me" just a few moments before the police cars pulled up. What if all you heard of the other party was a muffled man's angry voice? Would you be willing to step in or would you just figure they've got to work it out? What goes on behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors.

There is always the concern that maybe she'll get it even worse once the cops leave. And there is also the concern that dude might know who called... and dude might come after you.

But - still - I ask - do you call? Or do you sit by and do nothing... hoping nothing worse than whatever has already been done comes out of it?

It's ok to be scared when you do call 9-1-1. It really is. But - it is necessary. Will he learn his lesson? Probably not. But, maybe, just maybe she'll know somewhere deep, down inside that someone is on her side. Someone cares enough to watch her back when she isn't willing or able. Maybe it'll open her eyes that something here is very, very wrong. Maybe it will get her thinking. Maybe not. But, you will still have done the right thing.

Is it as easy as this? No. Very possibly not. Sometimes fear can really change your mind for you.

It was scary hearing that last night and it was even scarier waiting for the police. What is even more frightening is that HE (whomever HE is) may know who did it and he may hold a grudge. But, I have my pepper spray and I have my bat. And I also have anger on my side because this type of shit, in my world, is really, really, really not ok.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Baby Steps

It's all about the baby steps right now. In everything. Though I'm not 100% crazy about that fact at the moment. Don't we always want to skip ahead and just get to the end, reaping our rewards?

Studying is proving to be not the hardest thing I have ever done but really intense, nonetheless. Switching out my diet. I'm doing it the only way I know I can stick with. Which means really slow weight loss, not the fast kind. Writing for money... I have alot to learn but I feel like it's on it's way there. These are my basic goals right now.

I'm trying to keep them at least somewhat low-key for the moment. Somewhat.

Delaying gratification is tough at this point. We live in a world of instant results. But - not for everything - not if we're going to do it right.