Random Thought #14

Easy way to get yourself up in the morning: Have your kitten get his or her claw STUCK in your foot/toe. Yup, just tell 'em to dig it in there deep and even after you've yelled out in pain, make sure they know you are fully awake by allowing them to wiggle it around a bit (ie. make sure they treat your foot like a rag doll)... but do NOT have him or her remove the claw too early on in the process... you want the full effect. The claw should be stuck in your foot the entire time. You will wake up completely after this exercise.

Show Them Another

When you set out to do something new, something big, it's perfectly normal for
those around you to doubt you.
To roll their eyes at you when you're not looking.
To give you that fake smile and pretend to encourage you.
It's normal.
Because after all, they've only seen you one way.


It's time to show them another.


-Brian Kim

I Got A Feeling

Insane. An insane amount of fun, laughing and just plain goofing off. In my opinion, this was the dance of cabin fever relenting. This group of mostly women and two men who stood, danced and got loud in the corner of a nice, underground bar. The food was good and the drinks smooth. This was a unique night with a unique feeling. I was only too sad when I realized it was 11PM... I absolutely had to go home. It was just time because I, after all, had to work in the morning. A sixteen hour shift, none the less.

These folks are my friends. And I am grateful to have them. I am also grateful that they're all nice enough to get along with one another. It was nice to see them swapping numbers. Very cool. Last night was just a good one. A really good one. And proof, to me, that spring is soon on it's way.

New Rule #1

Facebook, texts, email, phone calls, IM, blogs, Twitter, voicemail. For those of us who are "plugged in" in some way, shape or form, life has become a little more complicated than it used to be. Back when I was in high school, for instance... little if any of this was used. I had a beeper, folks. Right after high school, I had a beeper. And I was either near a phone I could use or I wasn't. I'd call you back when I had a chance. (Of course, if it was a boy I liked, I made sure to call back just that much quicker.)

But now... all of this keeping up with technology and with friends and family has become a bit intrusive. Don't you think?

As of late, I've been feeling a strain. Slightly torn. I have always answered my texts right away. Been strangely proud of this fact. But - anymore - I have been turning my volume down, just a bit more often. When I accidentally leave my phone at home for the day... I'm strangely relieved but still curious if it's making noise or not. It's the few folks that respond "hello? where are you?" and "where'd you go?" that put me a bit on edge. I need my brain back for me sometimes. I remember the days when you would get home and listen to your messages then you call people back accordingly. I'm taking a stance... here and now... that this is more of what my life is going to be from now on. If I have plans with you tonight, my phone will be by my side... just in case you need to call or text or the like. If I have no plans with you tonight... my volume will be down. I can check at my convenience my messages... I'm sorry but this is the way it has to be.

Strangely, I think (for the most part) that I'm the one putting pressure on myself about this. I think I just might be the one who feels like I need to get back to people before ASAP. I think I might be the one that feels that inner tug that they may get mad or upset or angry if I don't get right back to them. Some of the need to get right back to people is conditioning from outside influences. Some of it is just plain ol' me. It's not about wanting to ignore people, it's more about wanting to pay attention to myself. I'll get back to you... I promise. Just not right this second... right this second I'm trying to reach Zen or cook or clean or shower or pray or write or drive or exercise. Right now I need to take this step backwards in my life.

As for the "emergencies" that may or may not come in... I'm going to trust that my phone will be on and ready when those phone calls happen. But, if it's not... this is just the way it's meant to be.

Tonight, I'm going out to a happy hour with a group of friends. For the day, I'm keeping my phone on. Once everyone's there... my phone will go on silent and it will find it's rightful place in my purse. If you're there with me, you deserve my full attention... it's no more complicated than that. Really... it's not.

Weekly Weigh-In #7

Pounds lost so far: 4.4

Ugh. Seriously, at the moment I am just exhausted and frustrated. It seems I'm feeling overwhelmed with not having enough time and with having a schedule that never chills. I start with my personal trainer tonight at 8pm. But, wait! Wasn't I supposed to start with him the other night? Yeah, they messed up the scheduling. I'd really prefer to not have to go there at 8:00 but I will. Just to get it started. I have lost my motivation at this point and I'm not exactly sure how to get it back at the moment. I hope this is just PMS.

The Next 46 Days

Years ago I remember my ex's mom saying something that I recall each and every Ash Wednesday. Well, I do not remember her exact words but I do remember her sentiment. We sat at her kitchen counter, across from one another when she said something along the lines of: instead of giving up something for Lent, she was going to try and improve something about herself. So - the classics went out the window. Chocolate, smoking, drinking and the like. Maybe for some it's ice cream... for others it's coffee. I'm sure sometimes people give up things that would never even occur to me to give up in any way, shape or form.

"I'm giving up oregano". Can you imagine?

But - no - I am not giving up oregano or food or anything of the sort. Last night I told a couple people I was giving up eating out. Nope... I eat at home and bring my lunch more often than not so I don't feel that's a good one. Plus, to be honest, my lifestyle does make it incredibly difficult to sustain. So I'm going back to self improvement. In a different way. This Lent I am going to improve two things that have been nagging me lately.

One - I am going to simply ignore "the face" thoughts and jump into the water. Two, I'm going to take care of myself the way I need to - for me - as a woman. When it comes to "the face" - I'll do what I can. I will attempt to smile more in public and keep my head up. It recently occurred to me while watching all of season one and part of season two of the Tudors that there is an easy way to learn how to walk with confidence. (Though, honestly, keeping my head up hasn't really been a problem for me... just walking with my head up while looking around with a welcoming smile... that is where the problem has resided.) If you want to walk with confidence, watch the queens walk... they'll show you how it is done. Fake it until you make it, as they say. And Anne Boleyn had no reason to walk with real confidence but maybe a form of pseudo-confidence. As for the womanly stuff. I need to give myself time to wash, deep condition and do my hair, to put on earrings, to put on makeup before going out, to relax a bit, to fix my bed in the morning so it'll be nice to get into in the evening, to keep my skin clear, to put on perfume, to do my nails, to get a pedicure, to buy clothes that make me feel good and feminine. I have not taken the real time this needs since I was about 18. I remember taking the time back then but somewhere along the way it - well - stopped.

My theory is this... giving stuff up... sacrificing (which I will still do with meat today and on Fridays) is good, very good. And if you feel you're doing it for the right reasons - go for it. But - for me - I am looking at the Lenten season as a time of rebirth. I mean, that's what Easter is supposed to be for Christians in particular. A time of growing, dying and rising again. Last night I watched an episode of some MTV something or other (strange bit to throw into a Lent post - I know) and it was a girl who was being transformed/made over. Apparently I got so emotionally involved in this that I forgot I was at the gym and someone had to ask me what I was watching to bring me out of my trance. I have been wanting this for myself as of late anyway. Seeing it in front of me... a tomboy gone to elegant and beautiful... just inspired me a bit more... reminded me of what I'd like for myself. I have been dressing like a not so savvy chick-a-dee for quite some time now. It's a habit I've grown accustomed to but I simply don't want to be anymore.

46 days to a made over me. Hopefully.

The Face

This morning I hit snooze approximately four times. Which is fine. I gave myself plenty of snooze hitting time when I planned on what time I would arise and face the day. Strangely, when I did sit up the first clear and complete thought that went through my head was "sexual napalm". Yeah... thanks, John Mayer. I wonder what I was dreaming...

I forgot how good I feel when I wake up in the morning... I mean, when I have to be in work at 7:30... when I went to bed by 11. My head hit the pillow last night and I was out. Mostly because I was able to take my meds at just the right time and still have a life in the evening. Woo-hoo! This ain't so bad.

Last night I went to the gym briefly. I did not put in my usual hour of cardio but only a half hour... I had gotten out of work later than usual day shift so it cut back on all my other time. As I left the gym I knew I had to stop at the desk and schedule time with a personal trainer for tonight. I'm due to see him at 6. The thing is this... I walked by the counter, coat on, ready to stop by but then I saw it was not the girl I feel comfortable with but a relatively cute guy whom I did not know or whom I had never spoken to before so I kept walking, straight past him. Went as far as the parking lot when I decided to turn around and go back in. I walked up to the counter, said what I needed and we scheduled my appointment for 6 tonight.

Old habits die hard, I suppose. Though, realistically I realize that I am still scared of them... the boys. Boys out in the world whom I do not know. Several of my friends know about the fear I have of making eye contact with strangers (men strangers) in public because I am scared of how they will react to me. I'll chose at this moment to not give you the picture that goes through my mind about what they "could" do or why that picture is there or how it came to be that I am terrified of horrifying them. It does, however, go beyond a basic fear of rejection - trust your almost daily writer about this one. Still, last night was a step, I think.It was not exactly what I need to do altogether but if I plan to ever meet someone (a male someone), I need to get over this. I need to start getting in the grocery line when a man is going to be ringing me up... I do not think it has really clicked in my head how often I avoid them. It's instinct - and a silly one at that.

To get at the root of this problem goes way back and it is due to alot of hurt and abuse. But - men do not all suck... I just have to learn to meet some of the nice ones outside of - oh - I dunno... let's say: immediate family and the few male friends I covered the other day. One step at a time... little one... one step at a time.

Harem-less

The other day the Texan pointed out that he and his girlfriend will be celebrating the one year mark shortly. In the beginning of March. Which is not only fantastic (they really are a wonderful couple) but it is also a reminder of how much things can and have changed in the last year. The night they met, I was taking part in organizing a meetup. There were two groups combined and at the time I was good friends with the person who ran the other group. He and I have since fallen away from one another in what I consider to be a natural occurrence of events. Though I can't say the same for Meetup in general. I simply grew sick of it. I am grateful for it because of the friends I made but overall - it makes me curl my lip up in a strange way.

I had a date with me that night. One that didn't thrill me and whom I wasn't even remotely attracted to. Meanwhile, I had a male friend show up to hang out and chemistry took hold at a really inopportune moment. Making out with him outside, while my cranky and miserable date was inside was not my proudest moment but I can't deny the thrill of the situation. Not so much because I had this miserable date (whom I discovered was desperate to find himself in a rebound relationship) inside and a cute guy outside but because nature was taking it's course. And the course did not lead to a long term relationship but a short one. Turns out religion or lack thereof can come between people. Believers and militant atheists just don't mix well. And this situation, it seems, can destroy initial chemistry very quickly.

After he and I split, I took some time off. And only briefly, with one other person, did I really find any feelings. That one didn't work either. He said he wasn't "ready" and that's ok. Rationally, I realize that this means he just simply didn't like me as much as I liked him, which is ok too. He did not treat me badly. In fact, in the brief time that I spent with him, I got an experience from which I could grow. The lesson I learned was very simple but one I desperately needed. I learned how I should feel when it's a healthy situation. This is a lesson that I hope has fully taken hold.

I have only gone on one date with someone else since he informed me that it wasn't going to happen. And nothing came of that, which is perfectly fine. The right type of chemistry wasn't there. He was cute but not for me. And I wasn't for him, no more complicated than that. I didn't walk away from that date with any classic stories, it just was what it was. Now, however, I find myself taking time off again. Just little to no desire to even try. Part of it is the winter doldrums I've been feeling and part of it is just not feeling attractive. Yet, another part of it is just simply not wanting to bother with men.

I know they're not all bad but they certainly aren't all good. I'd like to believe I love men like I used to. I used to enjoy their company, even as friends above women friends. That has since taken a decidedly obvious turn for me. I'm really enjoying hanging out with the girls anymore. Not that all of my male friends have fallen by the wayside but most have and the few that I have remained in relationship with are guys whom I am pretty certain have no interest in my bedroom. Most of the time, I have discovered slowly but surely, most of the guys I'm friends with were only trying to end up there.

So, here I am a year later. No harem, as Biff used to call it. And I'm the better for it. I've got real friends out of the deal and I've spent most of my social time working on those relationships. The ones with some depth. However - I have to admit... that some time in the next few weeks, I'd like to start getting back out there again. Generally, I'd say that once the weather has stopped producing a miserable me and once some of this white stuff has melted.

I'm definitely not desperate to find someone, which is a good starting place - and while I'd like to find a real relationship at some point, I'm not going to push for it just so I can be in one or just so I can have someone. I enjoy my own company enough to be single without a fierce longing. I want it to be with the right someone or at least someone with whom I really click with enough to discover whether or not they are the right someone. Someone who treats me right and whom I treat right, all just because it feels natural to do so. I've seen this happen so I know it's a realistic hope. I guess time will tell what's meant to be. I never really thought about it before - when I was feeling more desperate to find someone - but I am grateful that I feel complete and whole on my own. I never did clearly think about that being the fact of where I might end up but I'm glad I have arrived here. I guess I'm willing to trust life and God enough with my future that I won't fret and I will try to enjoy each day for what it holds instead of trying to make it hold something that it simply does not. I do not want to waste the precious little time I have here wishing my life away, which is all that "if only" thinking does. Being present to the moment and being thankful for what is actually the case is not always easy but it is what our actual lives are made of.

Weekly Weigh-In #6 (and an added side comment)

Pounds lost so far: 3.4 (Yup, I keep gaining... depression does NOTHING for weight loss. Hopefully next week will be better.)

Otherwise - we have officially graduated to blizzard. Now I know... and so does everyone else around here.

Random Thought #13

We received about two feet of snow over the weekend... now we're looking at the same over the next 24 hours. We are talking about a possible 4 feet of snow on the ground. And these snows are nasty. Drifting and wind and just nasty.

The thing I'm confused about is this... the weather people keep saying "near-blizzard" or "blizzard-like" conditions. Two feet of blowing, drifting snow in 24 hours isn't a blizzard enough to just say "blizzard" conditions.

So, when do we graduate to blizzard?

The Perfect Storm

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship"
- Louisa May Alcott

The movie "The Perfect Storm" has been running through my head. Not all the romantic moments or the adventure moments but, rather, the moment where the meteorologist announces that if everything comes together just the way it looks like it might, it would be "the perfect storm". As for Miss Alcott's view, I love her attitude about it... I do believe I'll be repeating it to myself in hopes that the same attitude takes and keeps hold of me.

It is that time of year again. The cold weather, the tremendous distance between us and the sun, the working late, screwing with my medication time table and the meltdown that occurs leading to a messy apartment, gross hair and drinking. All of these factors come together for me to create my own storm... the kind that will pass but also the kind that takes over. Right now all I need to worry about is taking care of me. That's it, that's all. Yet - with depression comes a certain vague sense of guilt. A sense that you're not a very good friend or family member. That bit of guilt is hard to forget at times like these... it's part of the "perfect" package. Part of what drives the mess that is me right about now.

Really - all I have to do is go home and take care of me - oh - and feed the kitten. I can handle that. I want to and will clean my apartment up a bit tonight. The lack of clutter will help to clear my mind. When one feels like this, depressed, it is amazing the little victories that will strike you. Last night I made my bed before climbing into it. For me, in this state, I couldn't help but think "well... that's promising". My perfect storm will pass, I just have to deal until it does. I have to tell myself it's ok not to push... everyone else will be fine. Right now I can't take feeling a self imposed pressure (and that's exactly what it is) to worry about making everyone else happy.

All I have to do is take care of me.

"oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it."
- Lightning Crashes, Live

Deleted

As of late, I feel like I'm all over the place. Like a straight line is just not possible at the moment. Thoughts are moving through my brain, letting me know what needs and should be done. Meanwhile, my behavior is anything but reflective. I'm pretty sure I'm driving my friends crazy at the moment so it's easier just to stay away or try not to say much. Though saying that out loud does sound a bit on the dramatic side.

I went through my email addresses earlier. Deleted a bunch of people. Right now I'm feeling the changes pretty deeply. Friends are changing, relationships are evolving and life is also following suit. And I have no idea how to emotionally accept and let go. But - I'm going to. Basically, it comes down to behavior. Are we equals in trying to keep up or am I the only one who's actually doing the work? Are you the only one who's doing the work? Do we seem to be able to keep up with one another based on the path we're each on or do we just seem to keep missing one another? Missing one another may be out of convenience for one or both of us. Sometimes we just have nothing in common anymore. Nothing to chat about.

However, I will say this. I make a conscious effort to keep up with those people whom I call friend. I check in with you, I hang out with you, I try to make plans... I don't ignore you when you do the same with me. It doesn't always mean every day, of course... even if it's only once in a while, the effort is there. I ask you how you are and I listen then you ask me the same... and listen. For me, right now, it's scary... I'm getting ready to make all sorts of major changes in my life. Things that will work for me in the long run, things that are the cornerstone of my "dream" life and, yet, slowly but surely I'm starting to see how some friends fit and others don't. I'm also starting to realize that, yes, I can be self centered at times but in many ways I need to be or I'm going to keep spinning my wheels as I have been lately. Still - I will send that text or email to say hi and ask how you are. Find out in some way what's going on with you... filling you in on what's going on with me.

I'm tired right now and some of this is probably circling the area of rambling. It's just one of those things... I'm thinking about it all and trying to compartmentalize. It doesn't seem to be working but I do know it will work itself out. Friendships change.

Weekly Weigh-In #5

Pounds lost so far: 6.4

Yup... I've gained and I won't bore you with the details of why... I know why and I hope correcting it shows next week.

Whiny And Hungry And Tired And...

Yeah... so... I'm feeling bitchy and whiny and tired and hungry and annoyed. Yet - I'm well past PMS time. Is it the cold? Is it not feeling like getting out of bed in the morning to come to a job that makes me crazy half the time? Is it rotating shifts? (It's better now but it's not ALL better.)

Is it just the pressure of what's coming? What the eff is the problem... because I haven't been in a crappy mood like this in a while. Part of it is the fact that I'm hungry but I'm saving a good chunk of my calories for dinner tonight. Not all, of course and I have still been eating throughout the day but I kind of miss gorging out when I'm super hungry. Though I'm beginning to really feel a difference in my belly so I don't want to go back. I know it will not make me happy come scale-time.

Somehow I need to put getting my cardio at the top of my list. It was for a while there... I can't exactly figure out what's happening and why I haven't been doing as much of it lately. I have to go to mom's after visiting biff's for dinner tonight. I'm sick of going out late at night because it's the only time my body will allow for since I work late for four weeks at a time. I am completely and totally sick of not being able to plan my life better, with more ease, more organization.

I am in a crappy mood. Tomorrow (hopefully) I will be better.

The Next 70

The birth of my son caused me to develop enough courage to invent my life. - Maya Angelou

Ok... so I have no son of my own. I'm not about to say that's what gave me courage. What I am going to say, however, is I love her use of the word invent here. And I do have a life that could certainly use some inventing. Isn't that what we all have to do? I mean, yes, life is going to happen one way or another. But the question is this... are you going to just let life happen to you or are you going to happen to life? Are you going to take control (as best anyone can) and decide where your life is going to go? Are you at least willing to try?

I'm trying. One step at a time. And maybe sometimes my life will grow by leaps and bounds and sometimes I'll have to start all over again, learning from my mistakes. But - that's where the idea of "inventing" comes in nicely. All great inventions (or most of them) had try after try before being completely usable. But each try wasn't a failure, it was just a way of learning what not to do next time. Right?

I've got the courage right now to invent my life. And I do know what I'd like for it. For the first time in 30 years I've got a solid plan in mind. Well, best one can plan for the next 70 years, that is.