The Perfect Storm

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship"
- Louisa May Alcott

The movie "The Perfect Storm" has been running through my head. Not all the romantic moments or the adventure moments but, rather, the moment where the meteorologist announces that if everything comes together just the way it looks like it might, it would be "the perfect storm". As for Miss Alcott's view, I love her attitude about it... I do believe I'll be repeating it to myself in hopes that the same attitude takes and keeps hold of me.

It is that time of year again. The cold weather, the tremendous distance between us and the sun, the working late, screwing with my medication time table and the meltdown that occurs leading to a messy apartment, gross hair and drinking. All of these factors come together for me to create my own storm... the kind that will pass but also the kind that takes over. Right now all I need to worry about is taking care of me. That's it, that's all. Yet - with depression comes a certain vague sense of guilt. A sense that you're not a very good friend or family member. That bit of guilt is hard to forget at times like these... it's part of the "perfect" package. Part of what drives the mess that is me right about now.

Really - all I have to do is go home and take care of me - oh - and feed the kitten. I can handle that. I want to and will clean my apartment up a bit tonight. The lack of clutter will help to clear my mind. When one feels like this, depressed, it is amazing the little victories that will strike you. Last night I made my bed before climbing into it. For me, in this state, I couldn't help but think "well... that's promising". My perfect storm will pass, I just have to deal until it does. I have to tell myself it's ok not to push... everyone else will be fine. Right now I can't take feeling a self imposed pressure (and that's exactly what it is) to worry about making everyone else happy.

All I have to do is take care of me.

"oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it."
- Lightning Crashes, Live