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As of late, I feel like I'm all over the place. Like a straight line is just not possible at the moment. Thoughts are moving through my brain, letting me know what needs and should be done. Meanwhile, my behavior is anything but reflective. I'm pretty sure I'm driving my friends crazy at the moment so it's easier just to stay away or try not to say much. Though saying that out loud does sound a bit on the dramatic side.

I went through my email addresses earlier. Deleted a bunch of people. Right now I'm feeling the changes pretty deeply. Friends are changing, relationships are evolving and life is also following suit. And I have no idea how to emotionally accept and let go. But - I'm going to. Basically, it comes down to behavior. Are we equals in trying to keep up or am I the only one who's actually doing the work? Are you the only one who's doing the work? Do we seem to be able to keep up with one another based on the path we're each on or do we just seem to keep missing one another? Missing one another may be out of convenience for one or both of us. Sometimes we just have nothing in common anymore. Nothing to chat about.

However, I will say this. I make a conscious effort to keep up with those people whom I call friend. I check in with you, I hang out with you, I try to make plans... I don't ignore you when you do the same with me. It doesn't always mean every day, of course... even if it's only once in a while, the effort is there. I ask you how you are and I listen then you ask me the same... and listen. For me, right now, it's scary... I'm getting ready to make all sorts of major changes in my life. Things that will work for me in the long run, things that are the cornerstone of my "dream" life and, yet, slowly but surely I'm starting to see how some friends fit and others don't. I'm also starting to realize that, yes, I can be self centered at times but in many ways I need to be or I'm going to keep spinning my wheels as I have been lately. Still - I will send that text or email to say hi and ask how you are. Find out in some way what's going on with you... filling you in on what's going on with me.

I'm tired right now and some of this is probably circling the area of rambling. It's just one of those things... I'm thinking about it all and trying to compartmentalize. It doesn't seem to be working but I do know it will work itself out. Friendships change.