The Next 46 Days

Years ago I remember my ex's mom saying something that I recall each and every Ash Wednesday. Well, I do not remember her exact words but I do remember her sentiment. We sat at her kitchen counter, across from one another when she said something along the lines of: instead of giving up something for Lent, she was going to try and improve something about herself. So - the classics went out the window. Chocolate, smoking, drinking and the like. Maybe for some it's ice cream... for others it's coffee. I'm sure sometimes people give up things that would never even occur to me to give up in any way, shape or form.

"I'm giving up oregano". Can you imagine?

But - no - I am not giving up oregano or food or anything of the sort. Last night I told a couple people I was giving up eating out. Nope... I eat at home and bring my lunch more often than not so I don't feel that's a good one. Plus, to be honest, my lifestyle does make it incredibly difficult to sustain. So I'm going back to self improvement. In a different way. This Lent I am going to improve two things that have been nagging me lately.

One - I am going to simply ignore "the face" thoughts and jump into the water. Two, I'm going to take care of myself the way I need to - for me - as a woman. When it comes to "the face" - I'll do what I can. I will attempt to smile more in public and keep my head up. It recently occurred to me while watching all of season one and part of season two of the Tudors that there is an easy way to learn how to walk with confidence. (Though, honestly, keeping my head up hasn't really been a problem for me... just walking with my head up while looking around with a welcoming smile... that is where the problem has resided.) If you want to walk with confidence, watch the queens walk... they'll show you how it is done. Fake it until you make it, as they say. And Anne Boleyn had no reason to walk with real confidence but maybe a form of pseudo-confidence. As for the womanly stuff. I need to give myself time to wash, deep condition and do my hair, to put on earrings, to put on makeup before going out, to relax a bit, to fix my bed in the morning so it'll be nice to get into in the evening, to keep my skin clear, to put on perfume, to do my nails, to get a pedicure, to buy clothes that make me feel good and feminine. I have not taken the real time this needs since I was about 18. I remember taking the time back then but somewhere along the way it - well - stopped.

My theory is this... giving stuff up... sacrificing (which I will still do with meat today and on Fridays) is good, very good. And if you feel you're doing it for the right reasons - go for it. But - for me - I am looking at the Lenten season as a time of rebirth. I mean, that's what Easter is supposed to be for Christians in particular. A time of growing, dying and rising again. Last night I watched an episode of some MTV something or other (strange bit to throw into a Lent post - I know) and it was a girl who was being transformed/made over. Apparently I got so emotionally involved in this that I forgot I was at the gym and someone had to ask me what I was watching to bring me out of my trance. I have been wanting this for myself as of late anyway. Seeing it in front of me... a tomboy gone to elegant and beautiful... just inspired me a bit more... reminded me of what I'd like for myself. I have been dressing like a not so savvy chick-a-dee for quite some time now. It's a habit I've grown accustomed to but I simply don't want to be anymore.

46 days to a made over me. Hopefully.