The Face

This morning I hit snooze approximately four times. Which is fine. I gave myself plenty of snooze hitting time when I planned on what time I would arise and face the day. Strangely, when I did sit up the first clear and complete thought that went through my head was "sexual napalm". Yeah... thanks, John Mayer. I wonder what I was dreaming...

I forgot how good I feel when I wake up in the morning... I mean, when I have to be in work at 7:30... when I went to bed by 11. My head hit the pillow last night and I was out. Mostly because I was able to take my meds at just the right time and still have a life in the evening. Woo-hoo! This ain't so bad.

Last night I went to the gym briefly. I did not put in my usual hour of cardio but only a half hour... I had gotten out of work later than usual day shift so it cut back on all my other time. As I left the gym I knew I had to stop at the desk and schedule time with a personal trainer for tonight. I'm due to see him at 6. The thing is this... I walked by the counter, coat on, ready to stop by but then I saw it was not the girl I feel comfortable with but a relatively cute guy whom I did not know or whom I had never spoken to before so I kept walking, straight past him. Went as far as the parking lot when I decided to turn around and go back in. I walked up to the counter, said what I needed and we scheduled my appointment for 6 tonight.

Old habits die hard, I suppose. Though, realistically I realize that I am still scared of them... the boys. Boys out in the world whom I do not know. Several of my friends know about the fear I have of making eye contact with strangers (men strangers) in public because I am scared of how they will react to me. I'll chose at this moment to not give you the picture that goes through my mind about what they "could" do or why that picture is there or how it came to be that I am terrified of horrifying them. It does, however, go beyond a basic fear of rejection - trust your almost daily writer about this one. Still, last night was a step, I think.It was not exactly what I need to do altogether but if I plan to ever meet someone (a male someone), I need to get over this. I need to start getting in the grocery line when a man is going to be ringing me up... I do not think it has really clicked in my head how often I avoid them. It's instinct - and a silly one at that.

To get at the root of this problem goes way back and it is due to alot of hurt and abuse. But - men do not all suck... I just have to learn to meet some of the nice ones outside of - oh - I dunno... let's say: immediate family and the few male friends I covered the other day. One step at a time... little one... one step at a time.