Harem-less

The other day the Texan pointed out that he and his girlfriend will be celebrating the one year mark shortly. In the beginning of March. Which is not only fantastic (they really are a wonderful couple) but it is also a reminder of how much things can and have changed in the last year. The night they met, I was taking part in organizing a meetup. There were two groups combined and at the time I was good friends with the person who ran the other group. He and I have since fallen away from one another in what I consider to be a natural occurrence of events. Though I can't say the same for Meetup in general. I simply grew sick of it. I am grateful for it because of the friends I made but overall - it makes me curl my lip up in a strange way.

I had a date with me that night. One that didn't thrill me and whom I wasn't even remotely attracted to. Meanwhile, I had a male friend show up to hang out and chemistry took hold at a really inopportune moment. Making out with him outside, while my cranky and miserable date was inside was not my proudest moment but I can't deny the thrill of the situation. Not so much because I had this miserable date (whom I discovered was desperate to find himself in a rebound relationship) inside and a cute guy outside but because nature was taking it's course. And the course did not lead to a long term relationship but a short one. Turns out religion or lack thereof can come between people. Believers and militant atheists just don't mix well. And this situation, it seems, can destroy initial chemistry very quickly.

After he and I split, I took some time off. And only briefly, with one other person, did I really find any feelings. That one didn't work either. He said he wasn't "ready" and that's ok. Rationally, I realize that this means he just simply didn't like me as much as I liked him, which is ok too. He did not treat me badly. In fact, in the brief time that I spent with him, I got an experience from which I could grow. The lesson I learned was very simple but one I desperately needed. I learned how I should feel when it's a healthy situation. This is a lesson that I hope has fully taken hold.

I have only gone on one date with someone else since he informed me that it wasn't going to happen. And nothing came of that, which is perfectly fine. The right type of chemistry wasn't there. He was cute but not for me. And I wasn't for him, no more complicated than that. I didn't walk away from that date with any classic stories, it just was what it was. Now, however, I find myself taking time off again. Just little to no desire to even try. Part of it is the winter doldrums I've been feeling and part of it is just not feeling attractive. Yet, another part of it is just simply not wanting to bother with men.

I know they're not all bad but they certainly aren't all good. I'd like to believe I love men like I used to. I used to enjoy their company, even as friends above women friends. That has since taken a decidedly obvious turn for me. I'm really enjoying hanging out with the girls anymore. Not that all of my male friends have fallen by the wayside but most have and the few that I have remained in relationship with are guys whom I am pretty certain have no interest in my bedroom. Most of the time, I have discovered slowly but surely, most of the guys I'm friends with were only trying to end up there.

So, here I am a year later. No harem, as Biff used to call it. And I'm the better for it. I've got real friends out of the deal and I've spent most of my social time working on those relationships. The ones with some depth. However - I have to admit... that some time in the next few weeks, I'd like to start getting back out there again. Generally, I'd say that once the weather has stopped producing a miserable me and once some of this white stuff has melted.

I'm definitely not desperate to find someone, which is a good starting place - and while I'd like to find a real relationship at some point, I'm not going to push for it just so I can be in one or just so I can have someone. I enjoy my own company enough to be single without a fierce longing. I want it to be with the right someone or at least someone with whom I really click with enough to discover whether or not they are the right someone. Someone who treats me right and whom I treat right, all just because it feels natural to do so. I've seen this happen so I know it's a realistic hope. I guess time will tell what's meant to be. I never really thought about it before - when I was feeling more desperate to find someone - but I am grateful that I feel complete and whole on my own. I never did clearly think about that being the fact of where I might end up but I'm glad I have arrived here. I guess I'm willing to trust life and God enough with my future that I won't fret and I will try to enjoy each day for what it holds instead of trying to make it hold something that it simply does not. I do not want to waste the precious little time I have here wishing my life away, which is all that "if only" thinking does. Being present to the moment and being thankful for what is actually the case is not always easy but it is what our actual lives are made of.