Quiet Mood

Went for a bike ride this morning. First thing after waking up. Well, after getting dressed and doing my crunches. And it felt really, really good. It was slow but pretty steady as I was riding along with my Spamalot rerun friend while he took a jog. I'm impressed, that boy needed some sleep but he did well.

He asked me why I was so quiet. It was strange... I just didn't have much to say. Just like now. I've noticed that sometimes in my newfound peace and freedom that I have real peace. Difference is now my quiet moods are just that - quiet. No suicidal thoughts, no depression, no racing thoughts, no grandiose thinking, just a quiet mind. A gentle place where I can think straight and enjoy it for what it is.

I can figure out my next few steps and enjoy it. It's really, really nice.

Spamalot: The Rerun

I had the bestest time last night. So much laughing. Some serious stuff. And even a few glasses of wine. Which I don't regret. I still did the grown up thing and called it a night when it had to be called. Ok... maybe it ran a little longer than it should have. But, the power went out at my house (which it really did) so I was provided an excuse for being late. Actually, I had ran it by my co-worker before going to sleep. He was cool with it. Though the power really did go off in the morning and that's what I was able to relay to my supervisor. It was simply helpful. With me, he's always cool about stuff. We've got a living on the same page kind of mentality going on.

The show, Spamalot, itself was funny. I'd seen it before but I enjoyed it in a different way this time. In a clear thinking way that wasn't there last time. Not that last time was a wash by any stretch... but it was different this time. I was able to get more out of my head. (Though that rarely ever happens fully... I rarely get lost in anything.) And more into the little nuances of the show. I laughed. And I laughed when I "steamrolled" the woman next to me. When someone tries to slip by you, please don't move around a few times. It confused my legs about where to go and before anyone knew what was happening, it looked like I was giving this woman a lapdance.

The friend who took me to see it is awesome. We had so much fun together. And now I've got some thinking to do. What the "psychic" said to me last week is sticking with me at the moment. There will be lots of opportunities but I don't need to take them all. Problem is, with that kind of advice, when do I know when to take them and when not to. I guess this is where I have to look at my life and what I've learned... and I'll stop talking about this for now. Until I've figured a few things out.

Pulling the Canoe

Everyone has the right to vent. That is not the issue here. I will say, be careful who you vent to though. Sometimes things are found out by accident. So and so went here over the weekend... oh... so did so and so. Well, so and so number two was complaining about some people who went there. Oh wait... so and so number two was complaining about so and so number one. Hmm...

Now... was so and so number one venting the truth or not? Sometimes untruths are stated in the venting process. Exaggerating. And that's how rumors start and that's how people start to sound worse than they actually are. Making oneself out to be a martyr when it is simply not true, well... that's not cool. I was not there so I will not claim to know how it all went down but I do have leanings that come from experience.

If you have one canoe that's not having a good time, chances are no one in the canoe is having a good time. Unless, of course, there's an obliviousness going on. Which just wouldn't be the case with the people involved here. Sometimes things don't work out as you imagine they are going to. But, before you go blaming people who really just wanted to be friends with you that you basically took one for the team, check in with the other folks first. Take a look at the people you're complaining about. Where do they stand on the subject? What was going on with them? Did I offer to help out? If I did, does that mean me saying I was the only one doing anything should count? Nope. Sorry... if I offer help it's not a good sign if I complain about it later. That means I wasn't being a good person, I was just trying to save face and look good at the moment. Knowing full well that my heart was not in it and I wasn't being honest with anyone. And to say later that you had a good time when it was clear you didn't... is unnecessary between friends. Unless, of course, you're not really friends but rather an acquaintance disguised as friends. Too bad people don't always know where they stand with this.

At some point everyone has to get out of the canoe to pull it over the rocks. Determining how you react to it is part of what's going to determine what kind of person you are.

Taking It To The Sky

The plane was little but I was comfortable. And I felt safe. At nearly every moment. A few random thoughts floated through my head. As in... "I could just open the door and jump right now". Then I'd get a bit freaked out by the actual act playing out in my head and I'm clutch tighter onto my seatbelt.

Yesterday was awesome. The experience amazing. I really hope to do it again. Next time I will steer and maybe we can try the zero gravity thing. Assuming there will be a next time.

I think, for me, one of the best parts about it was my lack of fear. Of course I knew we could fall out of the sky or something could go horribly wrong because I'd be stupid to deny the possibility of it. But, I wasn't scared. I had faith that we would land safe and sound as if we'd never done it. And we did. Except we did do it.

When I flew back and forth to Miami a few years ago, I was terrified. Praying my rosary, rocking back and forth. Even after some Xanax. The Xanax didn't kick in until about a half hour before the flight was over. My ex-boyfriend told me he'd never fly with me again after that experience. And, I'm pretty sure, he was right about that. I don't ever foresee us flying together again. I did, in a strange way, want him to know that I did fine yesterday. That apparently the medication does help make me who I really am meant to be. When I was young, flying did not scare me. As I got older (and the illness made itself more and more apparent) I became really, really scared of it. Not a scaredy cat but, rather, a person willing to take a risk or two.

When you fly, your life is in the hands of the pilot (and sometimes just plain ol' fate) but generally, you're trusting the guy who's had the training to get you somewhere fast. We flew for one hour yesterday, inside a little plane that my dad would have been panicked over me being in... if he knew. (He, after all, enjoyed Jim Croce and John Denver's music and didn't want it to end so soon.) But in that hour I was reaffirmed. I came back down knowing I am still the person I used to be. Certain parts of me that had been buried over the years were back. And some of those parts I really, really like.

I drove home blasting AC/DC last night. I am not a fan of all their music but somehow it felt right.

Goldilock's Porridge

I'm thinking... I'm thinking... I'm thinking about dating again. Through an online site. You know, like match or something. I turned away from match after the TSE but I don't think I can rationally blame match for it. I'll just block the gross one if he's still on there.

I dunno... I'm thinking it might be fun.

Kind of really want to be back out there. But, I don't want to settle into anything that isn't "just right". You know, someone I'm attracted to, who I laugh with and whom makes me laugh, and is also a good person. I had thought I'd wait until I was out of my parents' house but I'm thinking, no, I want to do it now, I think.

Here's the thing, though... right... is it possible to hang out with people and get to know OVER TIME whether you want to be with them or not? Or do you have to instantly be in a relationship? Is it wrong to just want to hang out, see how it goes, and have a good time while figuring it all out? Not that there's all that much to figure out. When it's right, it's right and there's no stopping that.

But, I do know that when I'm feeling good, like I am today and like I was yesterday... I'm not ready to jump right into any relationships. However, when I like him, I'll like him and that won't be a major problem anymore.

Yeah... I think I'll sign back up soon.

Walking Around

Tonight I'll be going out to dinner. Another "for your birthday" dinner. It's cool. And I appreciate it. Escpecially since things are as they are right now. I'm going to take the speedline into the city and then walk from there. Being poor stinks but it does have it's bonuses. I get to exercise because I can't afford a cab and I can't afford to pay for parking. Though I doubt I'd take a cab anyway. Even if I could. I don't actually mind walking provided I have on comfortable shoes. So, my trip into Philly should only cost me about $5. Which isn't bad for a night out.

I am not enjoying feeling poor but eventually it will be worth it. That's all I have to keep telling myself. It will be worth it.

I was able to get myself a few new pieces of clothing last night. A pair of jeans, a pair of cropped pants, and a new pair of Bermuda shorts. Also, two pairs of earrings. My parents had given me some cash to buy clothes with for my birthday. I feel good about the items I got but I will tell you one thing - time for me to lose some weight! Whew! I have lost a little since I stopped drinking but it's time for me to lose even more. Ten or fifteen pounds should do it. I'm not so concerned with what the scale says as the way my clothes look and fit. And the way the jeans I tried on last night looked, I'd be better off just working out and getting myself into a toned position again.

I guess all the walking I'm going to be doing is necessary after all.

It's A Coming

Going down the river, we only fell in because a friend of ours tipped us. I thought it was funny... wringing out my hoagie made me laugh too. Do wish I could have enjoyed a beer or two but whatcha gonna do? By the end of the day though I wanted a drink for reasons that weren't all joyful. And not being able to have one made me even more cranky. All in all, though, good times on the river.

That was my main birthday celebration. Though doing the rollercoaster thing on Friday made me happy too. And I stopped to have my tarot cards read. Didn't expect much but she did seem to nail a few things. One of the main things sticking out to me at the moment was when she told me I needed something to be excited about. She's not kidding.

Moving out should be doing it for me but I have to admit, even the meager month long wait feels like forever at this point. When I say stuff like that I feel like a brat, stomping her feet and complaining that it's never going to come. The truth is, I know it'll be here before I can blink. But, I have to pick up a second job now and I have to get my shit organized. As in, my furniture and who can help me move. I know it'll all fall into place sooner or later but I guess I just want it all taken care of now.

Good times ahead - I know they're on their way. Just wish I didn't feel like I'm sitting in the corner waiting for God to tell me it's time to take the next step. But, until then - it's all about patience.

TSE

I guess you could say I'm excited about life at this point. Little too scared to say things are ok but I have finally found peace with my past. And it is what it is but it's all ok. I lived and I learned. And, wow, have I lived.

I spoke with a very close friend of mine the other day about my deepest emotional ache. And he gave me the words that healed me. I could, in no small way, be more grateful for those three words. I don't have to question it anymore, I can just leave it where it is. In the past.

It wasn't quite rape but it was traumatic. Maybe in the outskirt of rape's description it would be considered that but that word and my situation never settled in nicely together. Tremedous guilt would overcome me when I'd say it but then when I'd say "bad date experience" that didn't quite cover it either. Things were not on the up and up that night. The guy was a disgusting pigish asshole whom I never want to see again. The flashbacks were bad and the emotional downfall for me didn't end until I was given those three words by my dear friend.

Traumatic sexual experience. It was nothing less than traumatic, those who saw me immediately after knew it. My mother said she had only seen that look in my eyes once before. When I found out a very good friend of mine had killed himself.

That about covers it. I've slept with people before whom I regretted the next day but nothing quite like that. I never felt so helpless as I did that night nor as stunned. And I never would have thought I could feel so much pain from the experience. But, I did. I was pretty sure hell was the place I was doomed to and nothing could shake the feeling. This wasn't anxiety, this was a constant companion. But, I'm healed and it feels good. I can move on now. And I am.

Changing My Mind

I don't want to feel used so I'm taking a stand for myself. And I don't know how to feel about it. Last night I turned him down with what he wanted because it's just gotten to a sleezy place. Have me over for 20 minutes and expecting an orgasm before I leave. I don't think so. Spend some real time with me and it'll all be good. I promise, I love fooling around but I need to be getting what I want as well.

He probably feels that I am turning the tables or something but I'm not. I'm just not willing to put myself out there in an intimate way anymore unless I have exactly that with someone. Intimacy. And I told him that I'm weeding out the people who care about me from the people who don't. I simply don't need sex or it's extremities to be confusing me for the time being.

Then I get a small panic through me... what if he doesn't contact me anymore? Then it goes away quickly when I choose to realize that I'm not losing much, if that's the case.

Go Karting Was Fun

Fucking feelings. I don't like feeling them with no relief in sight. Fucking people who don't give a shit about me but I've allowed into my life. Gotta make an end in sight to that. I think it'll be now.

My neck hurts today for good reason. Had a great time last night and got a little whiplash for a crash into the wall. Went go karting. I do believe I will be going again.

Still... today I feel shitty. Really, really shitty.

Positive Changes

It's all coming back to me now. How I felt before. Before all the mess and before havoc became my life. And it feels good. And as the cutest boy ever said last night "you're making some really positive changes". Yup. I am.

Here are the highlights: I will only be drinking socially (once I get the ok from my doc) on special occasions or if I'm out to dinner. And when I'm out to dinner, it is a two drink limit. The only other exception I will probably make will be my dinner parties, which I plan to resume upon moving out. Which leads me to my next positive thing... moving out. I do believe it is only going to be a few weeks away. Five and I'll have all the money in the bank. I should be heading to go get some furniture soon. A friend of mine offered up her basement to hold stuff until I'm ready to go. I'm getting back to exercising. I'm taking care of myself. And I will be heading back to school soon. Which I am looking forward to.

All in all, all it comes down to is that I've been saying I have to get my shit together for a long time. Now I'm actually doing it. Yay!!!

Bigfoot Found

Crickies. I'm bored. My job, today, is providing me with no boredom relief. Wish I brought a book with me.

Therapy yesterday was of use but I spent the first half hour trying to avoid the issue by talking about less pressing issues than the biggies. My therapist pretty much just stared at me and then called me on it. So... we started in on the "incident", to which I had given her a written account. Now she's asking me for another one from some stuff that happened before even that. So, I will get it to her. Maybe not in a week but I will get it to her.

Otherwise, I've got just about nothing going on. Not that emotional pull isn't enough. Still, I'm not feeling bad... just bored. And more emotional than usual. CNN.com has been bringing tears to my eyes over the last few days. Stories about people overcoming or experiencing something unique. And, no, I don't mean the dudes who claim to have found Bigfoot. The last of four men who liberated one of the German Nazi concentration camps passed away. And yesterday a huge tumor was taken out of an Iraqi little boy's body. It was arguably bigger than him. Made possible by an American liquor tycoon. Oh - and the little gymnast who won gold. They say she deserved it and I could only imagine her father's pride as they quoted him.

What a strange world we live in.

Weird Emotion

Tonight I go to therapy and I have to admit, I don't know what to expect. We have a few really tough issues to tackle but I'm glad everything's out in the open at this point. Now we just have to weed through it.

And there is a weird emotion creeping up in me. There's a new guy in my life. A possible fling or more (of some sort). And then there's always the neighbor. Whom I thought was out of the picture but contacted me last night. I did not see him because I was in bed when he text me to come outside. I said "no" since I was really sleepy. (My meds kick ass in the helping me sleep department.)

But the emotion that's creeping up in me. Dread. Of being in a relationship. I'm not so afraid of being hurt, been there, done that, may have to do it again. I'm afraid of closing my options unless someone's really suited to me. And I really, really dig them. I guess I'm a commitment phobe at this point. Eep.

Done

I'm questioning myself. And while I'm questioning myself, I'm filling out a questionare for another friend that will help her to pinpoint some of what she needs to help herself with. I'm considering sending out the same questionare to a couple friends to see if I get any responses. And to see why it is I'm suddenly struck with the fact that some of the people whom I consider friends don't seem to consider me in the same light. Or at least not as much as I consider them.

Maybe it's because I've had too much drama over the last few years. Maybe it's because I have sometimes said too much about some of them. And I always end up feeling guilty about that. Or maybe I should stop beating myself up and start knocking people off my list. If they're not meeting me halfway, I think I'm done. If they don't even respond when I invite them or reach out to them, I'm done. (Though I think for some of them that will be a welcome response. Or lackthereof.) I'm tired of having so many one sided relationships in my life. So, I guess I just won't anymore.

All the World's A Stage, I Guess

The weather yesterday was inspiring. Gourgeous. And last night we did an outdoor event so that worked out perfectly. Felt strange to put a sweatshirt on in the middle of summer but I was getting chills.

Romeo and Juliet was the play. And I guess that while I admire and love Shakespeare, I'm kind of tired of the story. I hadn't even realized how many times I've seen it done. But, I knew nearly everything that was coming up. Between a few movie renditions, West Side Story, and West Side Story on stage (high school rendition) plus just basic exposure to it, there's no thrill left. The only moment I felt any emotion was when Juliet's mother finds her daughter "dead". The screaming was well done. And I was struck with a feeling of sadness to what a mother in that situation would have to be feeling.

So, my mind was occupied most of the time with other matters. Food, spilling my drink into my bag, and some nausea. I felt very out of it last night. Not very social. Which isn't so great when you're hosting a meetup. Luckily, as one new friend pointed out, you shouldn't really be talking much during a play anyway.

There was at least one click with a new person that felt good. And another that could be, maybe. A few of the guys went out for drinks afterwards. Glad they hit it off well enough to do so.

As I sat there in my lawn chair, watching the play but not really paying much attention I did look around at the grounds. And the fact that over 400 people came out to see the show. And I found myself struck and in awe of the fact that at some point someone had an idea. And they made the dream come true. While the show wasn't awe inspiring the fact that the show was going on was. I wonder who first came up with the idea of a Delaware Shakespeare Festival. And who did they approach about helping them get it off the ground? Pretty kickass when you think about it.

Pretty neat. I guess some big things are possible. If you put your mind to it. And maybe, just maybe we can put on our own productions, if we so choose. So now I have to ask myself... do I choose?

Kettle Gray

All of us have problems, some big, some small. But within those problems, I believe, is often an overriding theme. Mine: doubting myself. Doubting my own perception of things. My therapist pointed it out to me yesterday. And what does that mean?

Calling the kettle black means, to me, that I always see the kettle as gray. But I'm not sure - is it gray or is it black? In life, I appear to be colorblind about my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. As well as wanting to ever blame anyone for anything they may or may not have done to me. I make excuses for everyone. And, yes, I know that there is a difference between reasons and excuses. However, there is also a difference between right and wrong. I do believe there is much gray in life but not when it comes to how you treat others. You either treat them right or you don't. And I'm not talking about some heads above the rest standards. I'm talking about basics.

I'm talking about being concerned about how your actions or lackthereof affect others. About how what you say may stab someone else's already low self image, how acting as though they are a non-person and using them as a tool degrades them and hurts them, about how expecting everyone else to revolve around you at all times just isn't fair and can put people out. This doesn't mean you should always be looking to be a people pleaser but in all things - balance. When you say something out of line, apologize. When you speak to someone in a tone or manner which you would never want to be spoken to, apologize. When you use someone and ignore that they're a person - you don't deserve them in your life anyway. Either get out of it (and not by simply ignoring them, be honest with yourself and them) or change it. Sometimes go where they want to go, eat what they want to eat, go to them sometimes... and let them come to you sometimes as well. If you have an issue with someone's behavior, speak to them, see if you can understand them. Ignoring people who care about you, hoping maybe sometimes they will just go away. Thinking, other times, that they will just always be around. They may not always be.

Then there are the bigger issues. The using of people in a way that is just downright awful. The dehumanization of a person completely. The taking advantage of people in sensitive states. Lying to protect only oneself with no regard for how it will impact anyone else's life. Trying to get things out of people you want for you and only you. Pure 100% without a doubt selfishness.

We all do some of these things on occasion. I will not claim that everything I do is perfect. Some more than others. And, yes, there is something wrong with it. But the key to making it better is to fix it when you notice it. For some people, they may never look far enough inside to notice when they do wrong. Some people just can't get past their pride and ego to say "I'm sorry".

I have been victimized in my life. We all have to some extent. Again, some more than others. And it's about time I start speaking up about some of this stuff. To be willing to admit it instead of just drinking it away and acting like it's all ok. Drinking so I don't have to think about it. But then the drinking hurts others - thank God I never got into a drunk driving accident. And I am very, very sorry that my drinking kept my father up all night. He doesn't deserve to have to be in a situation like that. He simply doesn't.

5 Days

Five days so far without a drink. I never thought I'd hear myself say that like that. But, I'm happy about it. I feel so much better and so much more capable of life. I don't have the underlying depression that was accompanying me everywhere. I'm keeping things a bit more straight. My stomach is pretty much feeling all better (though there's still a little mending to be done by the meds) and I'm excited to start my new life.

All sorts of doors seem to be closing lately. And I'm ok with that. I may not be ok with it every second but several of them need to. Out with the old, in with the new. Today I will be conquering an incident from last summer with my therapist. She asked me to write down everything about that night that I remember. Most of the night is clear in my mind except for the fact that it's not clear. I have lots of memories, full of a bunch of anger and even some mild hatred. Time to get that worked out of my system and the drinking wasn't helping. In fact, the drinking exploded not too long after that. Though it had already been a smaller problem before that. It's easiest to forget about it when your mind can't concentrate on anything.

So... I wrote what she asked me for. I haven't told the whole story but just kept to that night and what it brought up inside of me. Eventually I will tell the whole story and I will start writing about everything again. I will hone my skills and get myself back together. Without the booze, it'll be alot easier. I can already feel that.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like life is not so bad. Even when it's not super good, it's also not so bad.

A Visit To The ER

The other night was awful. I felt like my stomach was going to rupture. I have felt pain before in my life. I think the worst pain I had felt before Tuesday night was when I had a kidney infection mixed with a pin worm infestation. That was horrible but Tuesday was above and beyond.

My friend and I went to dinner, I kept my meal bland. Still, my stomach said "I am not having this". At first, the already there pains just started to get a little worse and a little worse. Before I knew it I was in my friend's passanger side seat writhing in pain. Moaning and yelling and squirming. Then the spasms started. Mostly in my back. Between the two sensations I had began thinking I was going to die. I prayed and she got me to the hospital. I thought something (my stomach) was going to burst. I geniunely believed this was about to happen.

I couldn't walk in, they had to get a wheelchair to get me into triage. The pain slowed down a smidge as the girls in triage were asking me questions. The one that stood out was "do you feel safe at home?" Yes! Oh... and... "on a scale from one to ten - how would you describe this pain?". I don't know. Compared to what? A papercut? At that moment it was an 8, earlier having been a 10. But do I really think it's the worst pain anyone's ever felt? Probably not.

I loved the nurse I had. She was great. She eased my pain. The doctor's bedside manner left something to be desired. They gave me pain medication through an IV and I felt better. They did bloodtests, a pee test, x-rays, and a CAT scan. All of which amounted to nothing more than what my doctor had told me was wrong. Gastritis. An inflammation of the stomach lining.

I found myself in awe of yet another friend. She sat next to me the entire time. And my dad was there even though he had to leave for a business trip at 6AM. We didn't get home until around 4:30 in the morning. I felt so terrible about putting my dad out I cried when I found out there was nothing else wrong with me. I should have just gone home. But, then again - the pain wouldn't have died down on it's own. I needed to do something.

I am happy to have survived though my life wasn't actually in danger. I thought for a bit it was - and wow was that scary. Over the last few days I've had alot of thoughts about how much I do actually want to live. Which is a very different feeling than my generalized thoughts of "just can't wait until this is over". Sorry - things just haven't been happy for a long time. However, I do feel ending up in the ER, thinking there's a chance I might not make it or that something is seriously wrong, may have been the darkest before the dawn.

Stomach Pain

So, lately I've been talking about treating myself better. But simply not following through. Yes, I really was thinking about it. Just not doing it.

And now my body has let me know that it's time to actually pay attention to those thoughts. Actually, I'll be really thankful, incredibly thankful when I'm back in a position to do so. When I can move again without this terrible pain. It started a few weeks ago as heartburn periodically and then some other unmentionable side effects. Saturday I was hurting but it was nothing like it is now. I just thought I needed to take some Gas-X. But the Gas-X didn't work. And neither did Tums or the other pink pills the nurse gave me yesterday. The pain just kept getting worse throughout the day. Until I got home and almost cried. Visited the doctor. Turns out my stomach is raw and inflamed. Or at least that's what he believes it is. I got bloodtests done today. Supposed to find out their results tomorrow.

And all I want to do is be able to laugh without hurting. Or burp without feeling like I need to yell and wait for it to be over.

But - mostly - what I want to be able to do is walk and bike and skate and do all those things my head's been thinking about. Without drinking (which is very likely what caused this). And with full joy of knowing I'm only making myself feel better. Because right now the pain is just too great to even begin to think about doing anything I really want to be doing.

Setting Myself Up

I have just been doing a terrible job of taking care of myself lately. And it's got to stop because I'm not going to feel better until I start making some better choices. Choices about how to treat myself. I was doing good a while back but the last month or so I just started to fall apart again.

So today I shall slow it down a bit when I get home from work. I think I'll rest for a bit then make a list of all those things I've been neglecting. Including the innerwork I haven't exactly been doing. I don't think I want to tackle my therapy exercise today, I'll reserve that for later in the week.

So much to do... so little time. And it's time for me to start feeling good again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ldCZYz3TzQ

Worn Down

Damn. I'm tired. And I have another funeral to go to soon. Just got the call a few minutes ago. A friend's aunt. She helped raise him. And now as he put it "I'm never going to see her again". That feeling is tough, the realization of it - intense.

Good news came yesterday... the nodes tested for another friend's cancer has tested cancer free. So... right now I believe he's in the clear. Thank God for that.

Life is tough. For better or for worse. And it's always darkest before the dawn, right???