Kettle Gray

All of us have problems, some big, some small. But within those problems, I believe, is often an overriding theme. Mine: doubting myself. Doubting my own perception of things. My therapist pointed it out to me yesterday. And what does that mean?

Calling the kettle black means, to me, that I always see the kettle as gray. But I'm not sure - is it gray or is it black? In life, I appear to be colorblind about my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. As well as wanting to ever blame anyone for anything they may or may not have done to me. I make excuses for everyone. And, yes, I know that there is a difference between reasons and excuses. However, there is also a difference between right and wrong. I do believe there is much gray in life but not when it comes to how you treat others. You either treat them right or you don't. And I'm not talking about some heads above the rest standards. I'm talking about basics.

I'm talking about being concerned about how your actions or lackthereof affect others. About how what you say may stab someone else's already low self image, how acting as though they are a non-person and using them as a tool degrades them and hurts them, about how expecting everyone else to revolve around you at all times just isn't fair and can put people out. This doesn't mean you should always be looking to be a people pleaser but in all things - balance. When you say something out of line, apologize. When you speak to someone in a tone or manner which you would never want to be spoken to, apologize. When you use someone and ignore that they're a person - you don't deserve them in your life anyway. Either get out of it (and not by simply ignoring them, be honest with yourself and them) or change it. Sometimes go where they want to go, eat what they want to eat, go to them sometimes... and let them come to you sometimes as well. If you have an issue with someone's behavior, speak to them, see if you can understand them. Ignoring people who care about you, hoping maybe sometimes they will just go away. Thinking, other times, that they will just always be around. They may not always be.

Then there are the bigger issues. The using of people in a way that is just downright awful. The dehumanization of a person completely. The taking advantage of people in sensitive states. Lying to protect only oneself with no regard for how it will impact anyone else's life. Trying to get things out of people you want for you and only you. Pure 100% without a doubt selfishness.

We all do some of these things on occasion. I will not claim that everything I do is perfect. Some more than others. And, yes, there is something wrong with it. But the key to making it better is to fix it when you notice it. For some people, they may never look far enough inside to notice when they do wrong. Some people just can't get past their pride and ego to say "I'm sorry".

I have been victimized in my life. We all have to some extent. Again, some more than others. And it's about time I start speaking up about some of this stuff. To be willing to admit it instead of just drinking it away and acting like it's all ok. Drinking so I don't have to think about it. But then the drinking hurts others - thank God I never got into a drunk driving accident. And I am very, very sorry that my drinking kept my father up all night. He doesn't deserve to have to be in a situation like that. He simply doesn't.