TSE

I guess you could say I'm excited about life at this point. Little too scared to say things are ok but I have finally found peace with my past. And it is what it is but it's all ok. I lived and I learned. And, wow, have I lived.

I spoke with a very close friend of mine the other day about my deepest emotional ache. And he gave me the words that healed me. I could, in no small way, be more grateful for those three words. I don't have to question it anymore, I can just leave it where it is. In the past.

It wasn't quite rape but it was traumatic. Maybe in the outskirt of rape's description it would be considered that but that word and my situation never settled in nicely together. Tremedous guilt would overcome me when I'd say it but then when I'd say "bad date experience" that didn't quite cover it either. Things were not on the up and up that night. The guy was a disgusting pigish asshole whom I never want to see again. The flashbacks were bad and the emotional downfall for me didn't end until I was given those three words by my dear friend.

Traumatic sexual experience. It was nothing less than traumatic, those who saw me immediately after knew it. My mother said she had only seen that look in my eyes once before. When I found out a very good friend of mine had killed himself.

That about covers it. I've slept with people before whom I regretted the next day but nothing quite like that. I never felt so helpless as I did that night nor as stunned. And I never would have thought I could feel so much pain from the experience. But, I did. I was pretty sure hell was the place I was doomed to and nothing could shake the feeling. This wasn't anxiety, this was a constant companion. But, I'm healed and it feels good. I can move on now. And I am.