Silly Sensitive

Well, the online dating is moving right along. I've done the phone number swap with three guys so far... all of them appear to be nice at this point... one of them has got my attention a little more than the rest. We will just have to see what happens.

It is so strange. I end up having a weekend away from everyone due to work and I feel estranged... as usual. Also does not help that I'm back to working relatively late at night. And now there's a holiday coming up. I just called my mom to see what the plan is... no one in my family has said a thing. Easter Sunday is kind of a big one. Oh well.

Just feeling funky as of late. Not sure what turns to take next. I know I have to wait for my money to be all saved up for the personal training thing but at this point I am starting to get antsy about moving on with my new life. Especially since I feel like most of the people in my current life have moved on from me.

Or maybe I'm just being silly sensitive at the moment.

Random Thought #15

"I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die."

-from a forward

Gone Back to It

We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy and bravery.
- Zach Helm (From... you guessed it... Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium)

I have decided to start dating again. Via websites. I've signed up for three. I do wish I had an easier time meeting men while out but the fact of the matter is... I do not. They do not come up to me and they do not talk to me. That's just the way it is. I am not sure why but I am sick of beating myself up about this. Yes, I have some funky ideas of what they think of me and how they might react to me. As of late, I have been ignoring that and just going forward anyway. Or trying to anyway. And I will tell you that I have recently tried the whole smiling bit, the whole eye contact bit, all of it. And they did either turn away or act like they did not see me OR they just did not even say a word to me. No need to go into details... I will keep trying but I need to keep all options open.

And dating sites are another way to go. Simple as that. Does not mean I am not scared. Does not mean I am not concerned about rejection. But - I'm going to follow what the quote above says.

I'm going to face each day with each of these things and see how it goes. I will eat right, take care of myself right (exercise, makeup and hair) and dress as nicely as I can (when it's necessary, that is). Everything else is on the inside so there is not much more I can do.

We will see what I find out there... we will see.

Blood Goes Through Our Veins

We Breathe. We Pulse. We Regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty-seven seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

- Zach Helm (From Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium)

We can call this the Wonder Emporium series, I suppose. I liked the movie... and there were four memorable quotes, in my opinion. Which means, three quotes I am going to use in this here blog. One has been vaguely used in my latest attempt at a book.

I watched this movie the other night with a feeling of aniticipation. I was looking forward to the creativity I knew it would have in it. I knew the creativity would inspire me. I was not disappointed. Little did I realize though that so many wonderful quotes would come out of it. The one I'm focusing on today (the one above) really just took my breath away when it was first said. How beautiful and completely poetic.

I have been thinking about my future lately. In a more concrete way than I have probably - ever. I have this sudden feeling of freedom as of late and while I think I know where it comes from (extracting poison from a wound can be good for the soul), I am not exactly sure where it is going. I know what my goals are... I just need to figure out how to get there for each. First things first, schooling. I am going to get my personal training certification and I am going to get my bachelor's in creative writing and literature. I'm looking into schools for the second goal. Schooling for the first goal is already picked out, I'm just busy saving up for it right now. Another goal - I am going to wander the country and write about the experience. The "experiment" as I keep calling it in my mind. I'll train people as a way to pay my bills. Maybe some waitressing on the side or something, if necessary. I am scared but I'll be ok. And yet another goal - to get myself into good enough shape to be able to ride the century and beyond.

This isn't going to happen tomorrow but it is going to happen soon. Soon as in the next few months and years. Life, for me, will be turned around and made into what it is meant to be.

Our hearts, our minds, our souls. They are all involved in shaping our lives. Sometimes, when one or more of these components becomes blocked for some reason.... then your life becomes something else. It becomes someone else's, not your own. When all three become blocked for some reason... you stay in a land of dead ends and live out a life that would be hard pressed to create envious onlookers. Especially if they were looking closely. But, when you allow yourself to be open and honest with all three, when you let the bruises and cuts breathe a bit, each passing second becomes a symphony. Each moment that you allow yourself to plan and take part in your dreams your life becomes a masterpiece all it's own.

I am scared. I will not deny it. Because I plan for my life to look very unlike it looks now. I plan for it to be very unlike the state in which it currently resides. I have finally opened myself up to the air around me. As I sit here, my heart beats many of it's limited amount of beats and I try to take in as much of life as is possible. And as I take it in, I am thankful for it and I remind myself that there is nothing to be scared of because what I'm doing now may feed into my future but handling this is the only thing I have to do right now. All I have to do is learn how to enjoy this moment while looking forward to the next. All I have to do is handle one challenge at a time as they come up. As stated before... my challenge right now is to save up my money to pay for the personal training. (The other challenge is to get active enough to lose the weight I want to lose.) After that, it's applying to colleges for my bachelor's degree. Yet - in this moment I just have to enjoy the moment, the making of the money that will get me closer to where I want to be.

An Occasion to Rise

Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

- Zach Helm (From Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium)

I want to celebrate it. I want to live it. I want you to celebrate and live it too. Granted - that means different things to different people but overall, I just want you to enjoy it and do as much as you can in it and with it. I want to read lots of books, meet lots of people, travel lots of places, do lots of writing, try lots of food, stay as active as possible and just keep on living and loving. What's on your list?

We have our tendencies to save certain things for certain occasions. Sad part is that some of those occasions may never show up for us. The good china may never get used, the amazing perfume may never be worn, the day when everything is good enough to celebrate may never appear. Each day that we wake up is another one to be grateful for. No matter what your age. It may seem to some that the younger you are, the less of a reality this thought process is. Not so. My dear friend, Captain, lost a 31 year old friend over the weekend. She went to sleep and did not wake up. Her child, who slept next to her through the night could not wake her when the sun did rise for the rest of us. No one had the chance to say goodbye. I did not know her so I can not say much about her or the situation except that Captain is hurting right now and 31 is way too young to die. 31 years is not enough time to learn how to show up in life for most. To rise to your own occasion. To be the best you can be, to live as well as possible.

Are you willing to rise? Are you willing to give yourself the credit that breathing is due? I'm trying. And I'm planning for the future but singing to the radio today.

Wind of Change

"Change is created by those whose imaginations are bigger than their circumstances"

-- Unknown source

I think this is true. And I'm working on it now. Started to pen a new book last night. Decided this one will be written by hand instead of typing it. I'll type it up eventually, of course.

My imagination is a big one. And I'm looking into changing my life for the better. For the much better. More in the way of what I've always wanted for myself. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out here... and where I end up living by the time all is said and done.

Poison

I am not coy. I am not sneaky. If I tried to be either, I'd most likely fail at it. I am emotional and I am someone who will admit when their emotions are getting the best of them. I used to hide it (or do the best I could at hiding it from the person or persons who were making me feel a certain way) but I refuse to now. I am what some might say... "what you see is what you get". I am not afraid to just be who I am. I don't have a certain perception that I'd like people to have about me. I do work to make improvements regularly. I wake up each and every morning with some sort of "I want to make it better" type of thing in mind. I do not dwell in the rubble of what was for too terribly long. I like my past to be there - in my past. I like to move forward.

But - sometimes - something comes up that takes the wind out of my sails.

That happened over the weekend.

And it kept me locked inside of myself for several days - yesterday being my first back in the real world. I was disappointed. Again. As usual, some might say. This one, however, really reminded me that life is not fair. We do not all get our blessings in the order which we would like them. Sometimes we have to wait and sometimes the rain really does fall on the good and bad alike. What I do not understand is how something beautiful can grow out of something that hurt someone so deeply. Why is hurting someone so easily forgotten for those who have done the hurting? Why does hurting someone not even register on the brains of some men as well as some women? Why can some people not admit when they have handled something badly? Why do they have to throw out the blame as to how everyone or anyone else but themselves were in the wrong? Why are apologies so few and far between? And I do mean the real, pinpointed type of apologies... not the blanket "sorry if I ever did anything to upset or hurt you" kind while so and so hopes that will be the end of it.

What I'm looking for is something along the lines of "I am sorry when I... (fill in the blank)... I know it hurt you and I should not have done that". Then conversation (if necessary or warranted) ensues. Understanding one another is so much more useful and peaceful than pointing fingers.

I'm not going into details. Yet - I am totally and completely going to end up delving way into this on a deeper level than just the recent drama. I have never held others responsible for their own behavior besides myself. I always think "well... this is how they were raised", and blah blah blah. Looking at things this way has become silly and outright "wrong" of me.

People are responsible for their own behavior - especially hurtful behavior and motives that are not on the up and up. Yes, misunderstandings and accidents happen but this is not always (and possibly not usually) the case. You hurt someone, you owe them an apology. It's as simple as that. You purposely keep someone in the dark for unknown motives, the fact of the matter is you've kept them in the dark for a purpose. Yes, I felt hurt but maybe if it had been handled with some class, somewhere along the way, I would have been ok. I will get over it, it'll just take some time. And maybe a little realizing, on my part, that some people really are just poison for me.

What You Love

Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.

-Henry David Thoreau


Do what you love. It is these four words that can confound and bless us all in the short time it takes to either read or say them. They have been said multiple times in several different ways but the definition of them is always the same, even if we are not sure exactly what that means for us as individuals.

Those who become "great" do so, usually, because of their passion. I only say "usually" due to the fact that there are always exceptions to every rule. Rules are, after all, made to be broken. As I have said before... though not here... amazing people are not amazing only 90% of the time. They are living each and every moment to the best of their ability. Which can also mean that even as they sit in front of the TV, this is done with purpose - a known and specific purpose. They are not just idly wasting time or trying to avoid anything - they are very aware and complete in what they are looking to gain, learn and receive during that half hour or hour long show.

How does this relate to doing what you love?

Each of us, I believe, were born with specific gifts, talents, flaws, passions and circumstances that place us somewhere very particular on this planet and in this world. Each of us, I believe, are born with a distinct purpose or two or three. Things we are meant to experience and share with others. There are challenges for all of us, objects (whether visible or invisible) that will block our way to realizing and living these purposes - but dreaming is one of those things that will push us through. Reaching out and following those dreams is what will see us through.

Do what you love. What is it that you wish you could find more time to do? You will discover that your purpose(s) lies therein. And how do you make these loves a reality? Step by step. Little change and challenge overcome at a time. You wake up every day with the mindset that you will change yourself to fit what your dreams need you to become. You go to sleep each night, able to rest tight knowing that you are on your way.

Loving what you do each day equals nothing less than the ultimate celebration of a life well lived. Each and every moment you spend doing what you hate is nothing but wasted time. Not to say that sacrifice and sometimes hard and tedious work is not required; both of these certainly and most definitely come into play for all of us who are following the dreams inside of us. And both sacrifice and the hard and tedious work are things that also require a great deal of practice to get used to as well as everyone's favorite virtue - patience.

Learning what all of this means or how this all can be accomplished is something awesome in and of itself. Applying what is learned is just incredible. But it can be done. Look at the winners out there - they exist in all different walks and sectors of life but they are completely visible and you never forget them when you are lucky enough to cross paths with them. They are the standouts. They are the ones who know what it is to succeed at love. Now - what or who they love enough to bring into fruition is up to them, of course. Just as it is up to them, it is up to you as well.

So - I ask - what do you love and how can you make it happen? No one said it only has to be one thing, either... the truth is that you can make it all come to pass. You are here for these things so you might as well enjoy them, meanwhile - I do believe - you will also find yourself giving back in ways that you were not even aware you could.

One Week Later

It has been over a week since I quit smoking and I am doing just fine. Actually, I'm doing better than fine - who am I kidding? Seriously, quitting smoking is already one of the best choices I have made - possibly ever. Yup, ever. And it has only been one week. Last night at 9PM was the one week mark.

Today I ran an errand to PetSmart for my lunch. Yesterday I went to the bank and got gas during my lunch. The day before... I do not remember what I did but I know I ran an errand. It used to be that I would run to Wawa every other day on my lunch break to buy cigarettes. Sometimes more often than that but on average, every other day. It is really nice to have the time to get my errands out of the way at lunch now instead of having to go buy cigarettes. It gives me more time in the evening too... generally I am just overall finding myself with more time. It did not even occur to me how much time out of my life was devoted to my smoking habit prior to this. It is nice to have my life back to myself.

Second thought (we're working on three here) is my lack of hangover after drinking now. Not that I'm out doing shot after shot or anything but for a while there, even the slightest amount of alcohol (except vodka, I discovered) was causing me to be massively hungover. I drank some red wine last night and still woke up feeling good this morning. I am currently convinced that me quitting smoking is the main ingredient my hangovers needed to be so horrible. I seriously think it probably has something to do with the liver not having to work through so incredibly many toxins. It still has to do that but we're talking thousands of less toxins going through my poor little liver. (I assume it's kind of small... I've never actually seen one.) It only makes sense that it's probably working the way it is supposed to now.

Third thought. Food tastes good. This is a well-known fact about quitting smoking, yet, I did not fully believe it until last Sunday night when I bit into a piece of sharp cheese and - for the first time in memory - could taste why they call it "sharp". Granted, now I'm not so sure that I am crazy about sharp cheese but I have to admit, it was exciting. Nerve endings have grown back... how cool is that? It was funny because today I was feeling pretty blah about my lunch. A small salad and a side of sweet potatoes. I kept telling myself that I will survive having such a bland lunch. (Yes, food is that important to me... I need to talk myself down from running out to get a cheeseburger and fries sometimes.) Weird thing was, once I bit down into the sweet potato I was very much pleased. Very much. I could taste it - and it tasted really good. Good enough to make me smile about my lunch after all.

Not smoking rocks. Not that I do not still have my moments of "I wish I could right now but..." because I do. The thing is, I do not want to go back to feeling the way I did. Not being able to get out of bed in the morning. Mild depression sort of always underlying everything. Hangovers from hell. Anxiety often. Not stinking and tasting my food are just bonuses. Being able to hug my sick nephew without guilt about what is on me that could hurt him... priceless. Absolutely priceless.

Weekly Weigh-In #9

I have my excuses lined up but I will not make them aloud...

Pounds lost so far: 3.6

Air In My Tires

Twelve minutes on the bike this morning and the realization that my tires do not have enough air in them. No wonder it feels like I am pulling a tanker behind me. I will take care of this as soon as possible. It's supposed to rain for the rest of this week and straight through the weekend so that will probably have to wait until Monday or whenever the rain subsides.

Right now I'm simply trying to focus on a few aspects of my workouts. Some cardio in the morning, some cardio in the afternoon or evening, abs every day but Saturday or Sunday (depending on what's going on over the weekend), and weight training 2 or 3 times a week. I just want to lose this weight now. And I know this is probably makes for boring reading - I do apologize for that - but this is what is on my mind. This is the goal I'm dedicating nearly all my free time to. Last night my next door neighbor and I went for a long walk. At the end of that walk, we did a little jogging. I was amazed at how much easier it was jogging on the pavement instead of on the treadmill.

So, new goals within my overall goals:

1) To be able to run all the way around the river. That would equal a 5K. I am not going to try and win any races but I would like to jog it so that I can at least participate in the race.

2) To be able to ride around the river twice on my bike. (This is only the beginning of training for the century ride.)

Prior to recently - maybe one day I will be able to pin down what the actual turning point was - I did not have goals outside of my therapy goals. My therapist and I have worked on all of them and I've conquered most of them. However - I have not ever really set myself other goals. Dreams, I guess you could say. Or, at least, it has been years. I do not know why goals were such a non-exist in my life, they just did not even occur to me to set. Was it my disorder keeping me distracted? Was I never shown how to set goals or what goals even were? Is this just something that comes with age? I have no idea... I just know that now I'm all sorts of goal oriented and that is what life is about at this point.

Getting around the small park near my home on my bike a few times before heading down to the "river" is my first small goal in order to reach the larger goal. Getting around it once would be a gem... but I need some more air in my tires for that. The lack of air in my tires is weighing me down right now but it will not weigh me down or be my excuse forever. The excessive weight on my body is also weighing me down right now but will also not be my excuse forever. The truth is "forever" goes by in the blink of an eye if we are not careful. And we should be careful because we only have so much time in our own little forevers - our lives.

Starting Over (Again)

Ok... we're back at the beginning. Starting all over again. In several aspects but mainly - I'm talking about my weight. Yesterday (granted it was in the evening - not my usual weigh myself time) I had rocketed back up to my starting weight from back in January. So, we're going to start again and I'm not going to feel terrible about having gained weight back. Now that the nicotine's out of my system, I can do this for real. Letting my body work the way it's supposed to.

On Thursday, I'll weigh in again. I do hope the scale goes down quickly but we'll just have to wait and see. However, I do think that I've gained more muscle in the last month than I had before... that part makes me happy. Very happy.

As for what else I'm starting over... the whole idea of taking care of myself and getting my goals on track. I am feeling more and more dissillusioned by work lately. Mostly because I wake up in the morning and fantasize about going to my own studio and working with clients instead of coming to sit on my ass all day. Also, dating. But - that is in the "not exactly yet" category. I'll get back to that once I've lost at least half the weight I'm going for.

There is something about quitting smoking that changes the game. All the way around. All of the stuff it took away from me and I did not even realize. You know... this morning I woke up on time and even got out for a ten minute bike ride. Was not as long as I would have liked it to be but it was long enough to make my heart pound a bit. Things are looking up and I'm looking in the direction my life wants me to go.

The Urge

I was told not to question it. Therefore, I will not. However, I will say that without a doubt I am grateful for it. Quitting smoking has been worlds easier than I thought it would be. Not that it is for everyone but it has been for me. Friday was rough. Saturday was just a little annoying with a nagging "I wish I could smoke" thought in the back of my brain. And Sunday that little nag stuck around a bit but was starting to dissipate. I would have enjoyed a smoke with my wine last night but I'm over it.

As for today. I haven't had even one genuine craving. This is the weirdest thing. I have only been smoke-free for a few days but I'm having no remaining consistent urge, no remaining withdrawal, and only had a hard time the one day - Friday.

I am blessed people. I smoked for 16 years and now I have quit without much of a struggle. Not saying I will never struggle with it again but as of right now, I'm pretty solid. Is it mind over matter, answer to prayer... a little of both? Oh wait - I already said I would not question it. Hard not to but if I can quit than I can behave and not ask a certain question. Strange how the urge to ask this question is stronger than my urge to smoke. Funny.

Riding Through Withdrawal

It's been well over 24 hours since I had my last cigarette. And while I am still mourning the loss a bit... feeling small cravings... like I somehow made a wrong decision in quitting the way I did... I woke up this morning feeling like a kid again. Suddenly I could remember why I used to enjoy waking up in the morning. More than half of my life has been weighed down in cigarette smoke. I had honestly forgot how good the morning can feel. But - I slept like a dream last night and woke up this morning cuddling the little guy. He has been better since I started squirting him occasionally with a water bottle. Hey - he needs to be trained not to torture his mommy.

Yesterday was a tough one though. It started out by my only being able to take about an hour and a half sitting at my desk at work and finished up with me being kind of crazy for the day.

I kept getting these little bursts of energy. Doing things that I've put off for a while. Or doing things that equalled exercise. I rode my bike to and from the post office. While really tough for me (I really need a road bike), it felt good to get back on the bike. It ran through my mind, as people passed me in their cars that they were probably thinking "she must have gotten a DUI" or things of that nature (I confess to thinking that when I see certain people on bikes), I just told them "nope, I'm quitting smoking". And I am doing it cold turkey. Granted, they never did actually ask me... I still felt the need to tell them.

So, I got back from riding my bike and I went to Ross to pick up a bookbag so I can start riding my bike a bit more often. Prior to quitting smoking, I had always said I would start to ride my bike on errands that I had to run. Particularly on the weekends. Yet - I never had the energy. I am determined to find the energy now. I am determined to live the best life I can live. This is a tough road I am on but a worthwhile one.

I can not wait to ride my bike again - soon. Possibly tomorrow morning. First, though, I need to get myself a bike lock as well. I am so excited by the way I felt this morning when I woke up. Honestly - this is crazy awesome. My life really is in front of me in a way it has never been before.

Weekly Weigh-In #8

So, I missed last week's weigh-in. No big deal because I'm kind of stagnant with the scale right now as it is. And I may end up gaining some poundage after I quit the smoking thang. And my body is showing signs of working out. It's not coming off quickly but my body shape is changing and that is a good thing.

Pounds lost so far: 5

From the Bone

You love them because they are cute. You pet them because it makes them purr. You play with them because it's funny. You yell when they claw you and close the bedroom door when they pounce on your head at 3AM. Really? Fred? Really? You weren't like this a week or so ago... what's up with the change? I hope it changes back soon because I do not enjoy the idea of closing you out of any room overnight. Yet, I even less enjoy the idea of being this tired again tomorrow.

I have bags under my eyes because I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in days. The night before last was decent but not wonderful. I woke up at one point twisted up in some position that only a contortionist would be able to identify because I was trying to avoid disturbing my feline son. When I did wake up I looked at him and he looked dead in the dark. I thought maybe I had rolled over on him at some point - but then he moved. Which was a relief.

I am thinking that for tonight, if only for one complete night, I will have to close the door on him so he can not get in. Seriously, these bags are going to make my cheeks start moving away from the bones in my face soon because of their weight. And Lord knows that I don't need to be tired like this AND attempting to quit smoking on Friday. Not one bit. Quite frankly, it is not just me that doesn't need this but also those who surround me.

Right now I have more respect for the moms and dads who get up to take care of baby at night. Mucho respeto. If you have kids, you can't just close your door at night and go to sleep. But - for now - I don't have kids so I think this is what I will have to do.

Sick Of

Maybe my bitching yesterday wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, my job is not for a permanent me. But - while I'm getting my other goals in order (and completed) this is probably the best place I could be. I know this place and the work I do so I can actually focus more of my brain power on other stuff...

Like quitting smoking.

Friday is my quit day. It'll be the first day in approximately 14/15, possibly even 16, years that I'll go without a puff. I started when I was 14 but I know I did not pull it off every day at that point. I was grounded too much. By the time I was 16 though - I was smoking every day because I had friends driving me home. After I started driving it was a guarantee that I would smoke every day. When I was 18 I started smoking around my family. I haven't gone a full 24 hours since. Of that, I am certain.

I have tried to quit before by cutting back. That did not work for me. This time - we're talking "cold turkey" (I should look up where that expression came from...). It's probably going to be painful and I will have to remind myself why I am doing it. Besides the light wheezing I hear from my lungs from time to time. I am sick of stinking. I am sick of spending the money. I'm sick of the congestion in my throat. I am sick of coughing if I laugh hard enough. I am sick of being less attractive because I've got smoke coming out of my face. I am sick of having to go outside in the cold and the rain. I am sick of my car windows being cloudy. I am sick of every single aspect of it. But - if we try to look at it from a positive angle (instead of all the "sick of" statements) - I look forward to having more energy, less overall mood swings, more money, a brighter future, to being able to taste food completely, I look forward to not being embarrassed to say I have to go outside because I'm addicted to something, I look forward to having a healthier body, to being able to truly train for the bike ride... to not being a smelly trainer. To knowing I can overcome this obstacle. To reducing my risk of a whole load of different diseases.

I have so much to look forward to. Quitting smoking is just one more step on my current journey.

Almost a Week

It's been almost a week since I wrote. Wednesday and Thursday I went to get my CPR and First Aid training. I'm a card carrying member of the Red Cross now. And it feels good. Not so much because I can jump into action if necessary but more because it's one giant step toward my overall goal. Friday I was just too busy to even think about writing here and over the weekend - well - I stayed away from the computer. Not on purpose. Just the way it worked out.

And I have been thinking about dedication and balance. How we only have so much time to live our lives. What do I want to dedicate my time to? What do I want my life to be made up of? I have not been dedicating nearly enough of my time or resources to those things that I need to in order to get to where I would like to end up.

I am feeling frustrated at the moment because I am in a line of work that does not fit me, suit me or make me happy. I know I do a good job at work but that drive is dissappearing. Not slowly but surely but quickly. As I begin seeing where I want to end up, the less I have to give to that which works in the opposite direction. And right about now I am feeling like working with computers is just not part of my overall program. Though I do need the paycheck (obviously) and I am grateful to have the work. Still - it's so hard to concentrate on that which bores you.

I guess I just have to keep working on getting out of here eventually. I'll do a good job while I'm working on my next steps. Last week, after I went to my CPR training I felt really, really good. I had a friend over for dinner that night and as I was getting the Jollop Rice ready I had the radio on. I was enjoying my life immensely at that moment. I could feel that I was being who I am meant to be. It was not that it was so exciting but I knew I didn't have to come into a job that drains me of personality and drive the next morning. Still, knowing that in two days I'd be back to it laid heavy in the distance. For that evening, however, I felt free. And that felt good.

As I said, I am grateful for the regular paycheck. I have to try and remember that more often, when it comes time to wake up in the morning. When it comes time to go to bed at night.