Poison

I am not coy. I am not sneaky. If I tried to be either, I'd most likely fail at it. I am emotional and I am someone who will admit when their emotions are getting the best of them. I used to hide it (or do the best I could at hiding it from the person or persons who were making me feel a certain way) but I refuse to now. I am what some might say... "what you see is what you get". I am not afraid to just be who I am. I don't have a certain perception that I'd like people to have about me. I do work to make improvements regularly. I wake up each and every morning with some sort of "I want to make it better" type of thing in mind. I do not dwell in the rubble of what was for too terribly long. I like my past to be there - in my past. I like to move forward.

But - sometimes - something comes up that takes the wind out of my sails.

That happened over the weekend.

And it kept me locked inside of myself for several days - yesterday being my first back in the real world. I was disappointed. Again. As usual, some might say. This one, however, really reminded me that life is not fair. We do not all get our blessings in the order which we would like them. Sometimes we have to wait and sometimes the rain really does fall on the good and bad alike. What I do not understand is how something beautiful can grow out of something that hurt someone so deeply. Why is hurting someone so easily forgotten for those who have done the hurting? Why does hurting someone not even register on the brains of some men as well as some women? Why can some people not admit when they have handled something badly? Why do they have to throw out the blame as to how everyone or anyone else but themselves were in the wrong? Why are apologies so few and far between? And I do mean the real, pinpointed type of apologies... not the blanket "sorry if I ever did anything to upset or hurt you" kind while so and so hopes that will be the end of it.

What I'm looking for is something along the lines of "I am sorry when I... (fill in the blank)... I know it hurt you and I should not have done that". Then conversation (if necessary or warranted) ensues. Understanding one another is so much more useful and peaceful than pointing fingers.

I'm not going into details. Yet - I am totally and completely going to end up delving way into this on a deeper level than just the recent drama. I have never held others responsible for their own behavior besides myself. I always think "well... this is how they were raised", and blah blah blah. Looking at things this way has become silly and outright "wrong" of me.

People are responsible for their own behavior - especially hurtful behavior and motives that are not on the up and up. Yes, misunderstandings and accidents happen but this is not always (and possibly not usually) the case. You hurt someone, you owe them an apology. It's as simple as that. You purposely keep someone in the dark for unknown motives, the fact of the matter is you've kept them in the dark for a purpose. Yes, I felt hurt but maybe if it had been handled with some class, somewhere along the way, I would have been ok. I will get over it, it'll just take some time. And maybe a little realizing, on my part, that some people really are just poison for me.