Almost a Week

It's been almost a week since I wrote. Wednesday and Thursday I went to get my CPR and First Aid training. I'm a card carrying member of the Red Cross now. And it feels good. Not so much because I can jump into action if necessary but more because it's one giant step toward my overall goal. Friday I was just too busy to even think about writing here and over the weekend - well - I stayed away from the computer. Not on purpose. Just the way it worked out.

And I have been thinking about dedication and balance. How we only have so much time to live our lives. What do I want to dedicate my time to? What do I want my life to be made up of? I have not been dedicating nearly enough of my time or resources to those things that I need to in order to get to where I would like to end up.

I am feeling frustrated at the moment because I am in a line of work that does not fit me, suit me or make me happy. I know I do a good job at work but that drive is dissappearing. Not slowly but surely but quickly. As I begin seeing where I want to end up, the less I have to give to that which works in the opposite direction. And right about now I am feeling like working with computers is just not part of my overall program. Though I do need the paycheck (obviously) and I am grateful to have the work. Still - it's so hard to concentrate on that which bores you.

I guess I just have to keep working on getting out of here eventually. I'll do a good job while I'm working on my next steps. Last week, after I went to my CPR training I felt really, really good. I had a friend over for dinner that night and as I was getting the Jollop Rice ready I had the radio on. I was enjoying my life immensely at that moment. I could feel that I was being who I am meant to be. It was not that it was so exciting but I knew I didn't have to come into a job that drains me of personality and drive the next morning. Still, knowing that in two days I'd be back to it laid heavy in the distance. For that evening, however, I felt free. And that felt good.

As I said, I am grateful for the regular paycheck. I have to try and remember that more often, when it comes time to wake up in the morning. When it comes time to go to bed at night.