Rapunzel's Rebirth

My mood is crappy today. So... I will just copy and paste a poem I wrote a while back...

RAPUNZEL'S REBIRTH

Slowly

The process began

As it emerged and I looked at the ground

I see splinters of what once was

Small shards of life no more, kicked around by another’s feet

Assured of knowledge, ignoring the truth

Mostly because I did not wish to see the evidence

This cascade of beauty, cut down

To birth myself into something new.

Never asked of me, yet I took it upon myself

To fit into a mold celebrated by few

I look forward as I cannot look behind

Unpleased with the remainder

This part of me, dead even as it was alive

Created for protection, turned into something of quality

A beauty mark on the lip of all women

But, there I was

Displeased.

Having to endure the walk, getting no reaction

Having to endure the wait

Having to endure the aftermath

Trading hats with a phantom named Ashley

Trying desperately for man to see

If only it had grown out of the air that now creeped

Blustery and cold, my neck exposed

Raw wind finding it’s way down my back

Ahh. But, to be cute.

Instead, it confounded me.

Was this not wanted?

Something screaming inside me

In an almost psychic quality

I knew only that I wished to please.

The question remains

Who?

Whom was I giving this gift to?

This lack of what I did not have to offer

The splinters now lying on the ground

No one took it but my own imaginings

Somehow this would make things better

It was rejected and hated

Just as was the roach climbing the cabinet door

I had pressed down and flopped the situation about

Trying to make it different than what it was

Trying to make it what it was not:

The change that needed to be.

Acceptance sets in

And the wait begins

Waiting for regeneration that only comes through death

Death is sometimes necessary

So that what once existed

Can exist again

And sometimes it does.

When it came back, it was seen on a whim

A bright morning, a quick thought

Time to try again

Tries that failed in the past

Fail to find their way to a clear recollection

Merely brief memories without a clear picture

Looking straight ahead again

As it is the only way we can see

Try again.

Flopping it around

What do I see?

A speck of an earlier time

My past looking like my future

With a new hue

A color that stands out to the eye and evokes one emotion:

Passion

Allowing a smile to emerge

I felt the want to share

Sometimes it can begin again

Expensive as the lesson was

I can find joy in saying

At least the cockroach lived.

Breaking Up With Friends

Someone is gone... officially... from my life. He's gone a seperate way, even though probably a month or so ago I had told him it was best if we stopped speaking. He was a friend though I felt uncomfortable with the friendship. Felt like he wanted more than I was going to give. Felt like he was waiting around until I fell for him romantically. I wasn't going to and I knew it. It was best for both of us to move on and not intermingle. I know I did the right thing and I tried my best to be kind about it. I know his feelings got hurt and for that I am sorry.

I once had a friend tell me that she knew it was over with her ex-fiance when she got to a point that she wanted to throw her shoe at him when he walked in the room. It was time to end it. That kind of annoyance doesn't usually just go away by talking it out. While I never thought I would throw anything at him, I found myself annoyed by him every time I heard from him. And I felt terrible about it. I was not being a good friend, I was not being a friend at all. A friend keeps things honest and real. I knew it had to be over.

I "broke up" with some other friends a while back. I believe it was last summer, don't really remember the time frame. That one was over their use of religion in trying to help me determine my problems. I was told all sorts of stuff... using what I think was Bible abuse. What's a secret sin after all? If you know about it and God knows about it (assuming he knows all, as I do believe) then what's secret about it? I did send them a Christmas card this year because I do still care about them, I just can't go back to that place again. Something about that really hurt. REALLY hurt. I guess some of it was faith abuse... I have faith but I was very ill at the time. Granted, they didn't know that but what they were saying to me just wasn't exactly accurate and I had to walk away. I will always care for them.

The guy whom I say left my life completely yesterday used to work here. I found out from his cubemate yesterday that he had left. Strangely, I feel a small bit of relief because I don't have to worry about bumping into him. But, the stronger feeling is actually happiness. It's this little place in me, small but there... like a little ray of light shining out. I am happy that he is moving along his path. I am happy that he found a job that probably pays more, hopefully he enjoys it, hopefully it leads him to where he wants to go.

The Cocoon

Wrapped up in a little cocoon. In here with my fear. Time needs to go by and then I can emerge. The gray and the white silk enveloping me in a stifling way and I'm told to "wait". "Wait" and see what happens, wait until everything's ready. Don't try to jump out early because then you won't fly... your wings will be broken. So... I'll stay in here and wait. Struggling to mature as fast as I can but nature will only move as quickly as it's willing. And so will God. He will only move as quickly as necessary. And he'll tell me "Wait". Just keep working and growing stronger, each passing day is an oppurtunity to do so. Start doing the things you've always wanted to and know that "you are enough". Nuture those parts of you that need to be nurtured, the parts no one else can get to. Just live in this place for a little longer, a little longer and when it's time light will break through and you'll be able to shed the shell you're hiding in. It's just not time yet, it's simply not time. Through experiencing a lack of freedom, you will know freedom when you taste it. Then and only then will you be ready to set sail.

Is Earwax A Compound?

Trying to figure out details of things that I have no clue about. Specifically, someone else's mind. None of us know what goes through other people's minds so why try to figure it out. Ask, if you're going to ask. If you don't want to ask, then don't. But, don't give it a second thought. I'd say that's always true unless you did something that hurts someone. Apologies and making wrongs right are very important.

My professor gave us a take home test yesterday. Sweet. It's a relief. So, I will put my new studying and schoolwork methods to practice. Hence, I shall actually do the work. (Ignore the man behind the curtain... I'm only going to have my friend "check" my answers... I am going to attempt the work myself.) One of the multiple choice answers on the test is "earwax". I would never have, EVER, wondered what the biological makeup of earwax is. Guess I'll have to look that up today... even if the answer to the question is "water". I think.

At moments, I am truly excited about living my life. The future that exists for me. Just can't wait to get out of this job... while it has it's benefits, school is where I want to be.

Scientific Abstract Assignment

I finished a paper last night... typed it up this morning. We had to summarize three articles and then give a personal interaction to them. I chose to do mine on the molecular genetics of bipolar disorder. Here is my personal interaction as I'm handing it in: (This is not my best writing ever - I was tired and cranky when I wrote it.)

Bipolar disorder can destroy a person’s life, if left untreated. The complexity of the disorder is in itself a wonder. The emotional as well as mental effects can be devastating and very painful. As a person with this disorder, I know firsthand what it can do. These articles had a very personal effect on me. Learning about what I already know to be a difficult illness to get under control was enlightening, even if science is still baffled, ultimately, by it.
Medications have come a long way in getting symptoms under control. A few of them were originally used for epilepsy, which would make me wonder about a possible link but none of these articles mentioned it. From the days of lithium for all to now, the choices are varied and have finally become exactly that – a matter of choice.
One very interesting personal side note from the first article is the mention of kidney disease. I have the illness, my mother has the illness, and my maternal grandmother also had it. While my grandmother was still with us, she had a type of kidney disease though I can’t say for certain what it was. It began when she was young as a terrible kidney infection. As a child I also had horrendous kidney infections, once leaving me debilitated for almost a month. Also, the mention of maternal mitochondria piqued my interest though it didn’t go into enough detail to go any further than the piquing of interest.
It is mildly disappointing that the genetics are still so far from understood. Though I do find it encouraging that the scientists are seemingly finding direction in where to go next. While I simply could not understand much of the technical language, particularly in the journal articles, the gist of what I got here is simple. They’re not sure. Though, as I know from personal experience, it runs in families.
In time, I’m sure the molecular genetics of not only this mental illness but most will be understood. One of the questions that remains is a big “when?”. Changes in understanding can come quickly so I will not assume any length of time, long or short, though I hope for the latter.
The hope for all of us who deal with this issue as well as similar issues of mood disorders is that a cure will eventually be found. However, I am incredibly thankful to the same science that does not understand the genetics of my illness. Medication has come such a long way and with medication there is hope and relief that our lives can be full and not erratic as it is pre-meds. And as long as research continues, hope exists in an even more obvious way, one day it will be understood and one day they may be able to fix this.

Tired But On Time

Usually it takes me several days to come back from when I mess up my schedule. I am happy to know that this time, while I still have some catching up to do, I did not allow the weekend to bleed all the way until Tuesday or Wednesday. I prepared my stuff for work this morning and I got here on time.

Thought I was going to pass out at dinner last night so I went to lay down. I was moving slow and thinking even slower. This was my own fault... I didn't pay attention to my personal needs this weekend at all. The fact of the matter is I absolutely have to pay attention to bedtime. And I absolutely have to pay attention to working out and the like. And not drinking so much. These things have to start being more of a priority, even on the weekends. Which kind of stinks but I hate feeling like crap for days and days on end. So... what other choice do I have?

Wish I Did Own Something Green To Wear

Out to dinner with friends recently I made some comment (a joke) about documentaries. One of my friends looked at me from across the table and didn't get the joke at first... he likes documentaries as I do also. But, there are some bad ones out there. Really bad ones. However, last night I watched a really good one. It was from the History Channel: Irish in America. My mom taped it last year and this was the first chance there was to watch it. I had a chill night so I crashed on the couch with my parents and the dog... it was incredibly interesting.

I've always carried my Italian pride out on my sleeve. Now I have slightly more pride in the Irish side of me as well. I didn't realize the Irish immigrants had been so instrumental in getting this country moving.

Here's a few interesting finds, though definitley not everything I learned:

"The luck of the Irish" began as irony... a cliche because the Irish really did not have good luck, they persevered and struggled to find their place in this country. One woman, after losing her family to yellow fever moved to Chicago and 4 years later she lost her home and all her possesions to the Great Chicago Fire. (This IS the luck of the Irish.) She spent her remaining years fighting for equal rights for Irish workers.

The Irish were highly discriminated against until they proved themselves. This took many, many years. And God forbid they be Catholic too.

The Kennedys' (you know, the political family) great grandmother came over from Ireland at the age of 28, already considered a spinster in her homeland. She met a man on the ship that brought her and they married. She worked as a clothing washer and had four children. Her husband died young and she had to raise the children on her own. She saved up money, bought a store, then financed a family member's liquor store and could only afford to send one child onto University. This was the beginning of their rise to fame.

There were a ton of other interesting facts in this documentary, including what St. Patty's Day used to be... a religious holiday with church in the morning and then dinner with family. Like Easter is often celebrated.

The Irish... who knew... well... many people knew but I wasn't as enlightened.

Conforming Sucks

Conformity is a socialistic disease, whatever the masses are doing, do the opposite.

I like this quote though I have no one to attribute it to except a friend of mine who sent it to me. How true is this? Very, I'd say.

Generally, I don't conform for the sake of trying to be like everyone else. Though trying too hard not to conform can be a conformity of a different kind. Now you're busy trying to conform to the idea that you're "different". We're all different, we're all unique. Not being afraid to just be unique and yourself fits this bill perfectly. I think that is the point of it. I'm living to simply live my life as though people are watching (because they are) and simply not caring, just going along my merry way. People may not be watching as much as we believe they are... but they are, in fact, watching. The media proves this daily. And other people can make our lives miserable. (Though they can also bring in lots and lots of joy.) I had an "aha" moment yesterday. Grateful for my friends in a very real, very intense way. They are individuals, not just like everyone else... and that makes me very, very happy.

Recently, there has been upheavel at my job. The guy I have spoken of being "crazy" is what I'm referring to. I have begun to feel rather guilty in my own bad mouthing of him. While I still can't say I want to work with him (though that may not be an issue anymore due to his no call/no show today), the fact of the matter is he needs help. I can't tell you what the help required may be, I'm not a psychologist nor am I perfect judge of people (far from it). Someone brought to my attention yesterday that I am showing no compassion for him, nor am I showing any mercy. So... I am done speaking of it. I don't want to add fuel to the fire, he's digging his own grave and does not need my help. And I feel bad that I haven't pointed out to anyone that he needs help and maybe someone from the company could bring this up to him. When I needed help, someone from the company approached me. My supervisor. So... I'm done and I will take no satisfaction in his being booted out. (Again, I still have no desire to be around him either.) Guess that's what I get for conforming. Guilt. I went outside of myself and became someone I am not. A gossip and a person without a heart. Neither of these two things do I believe myself to be. I forgot, momentarily, because it's easy to do that he has feelings and he's troubled. I'll send up a prayer for him, with a heavy heart. And I will take no part in anything more, here behind the scenes.

Visible Spectrum?

One of the off the beaten path things I enjoy reading are accounts of NDE's (Near Death Experiences). Call it New Agie - call it strange - call it normal - call it curiosity - call it trying to get over my fear of dying. The last thing mentioned on the list is where looking into them came from. Now I just find it interesting.

Yesterday I read a bit of one and here I quote:

"Just a little ways off I could see a bridge with someone standing on it. Beyond the bridge, I saw a golden city with towers like European castles. The whole city seemed to be shining with light that shot up into the sky like a giant searchlight. I could see that some of the domes of the city were red, others were gold, and a few were blue. The gates and walls of the city seemed to be made of bright blue, red, and violet lights." (Randy Gehling)

And what I wonder here is could these colors have anything to do with our visible spectrum or the color related to wavelengths? I don't actually propose a theory here... just thinking there might be a connection... just thinking, that's all.

I Don't Own Any Green Clothes

What a day. Hungover, tired, late for work, annoyed, getting organized, relaxed, some deep thoughts and then some deep sadness and unknowing, finally exhaustion... quick summary.

I woke up hungover yesterday, very hungover. Hangovers and my meds mixed together do not make for good bed fellows. While I sleep like I'm in a coma, I don't wake up so easily and yesterday was no exception. I got to work late. Initially, I thought it would only be a half hour but it turned into an hour. I came in looking like a slob and feeling gross but I got into the office and apologized to my co-workers. They said "well, we're here". But, apparently, at least one of the two felt the need to tell on me. I don't think he thought I'd find out. I did. And I got really annoyed. Not so much because I have to take responsibility for my actions, I do, but because he left things out of the email to my supervisor (which my supervisor promptly forwarded to me in order to ask about me coming in late). He purposely, as one friend put it, painted me in a bad light. I guess part of why I felt annoyed was because I thought we were cool. If he had an issue, I wish he would have brought it to my attention on the side. I had told him before that I take a sedative to sleep... he really was just straight up sneaky about this. Because he was still acting normal to my face. I did bring it up to him very blatantly... let him know that I know. "Well, the supervisor knows that I was late now... because of the email you sent." He did not look in my direction but mumbled a "sorry". Whatever. Now I'm going to have to talk to my supervisor about coming in late, particularly on Mondays... Mondays are always my hardest days because my schedule gets messed up a little on the weekends.

I left work on time, taking vacation to cover my hour loss in the morning. And zipped on home. Once I got home, it took a little effort but I got caught up on some stuff that needed to be done. Laundry and the like... felt good. And I finally felt almost good after I got a shower. The shower helped so much and then I ran out to get some drinks with a friend of mine. The place we met up at was beautiful... http://www.golfpinehill.com/south-jersey-dining.cfm . I think I want to go back there and try brunch eventually. Last night, for St. Patty's Day, they did $2 drafts and a free Irish buffet. The food was really good, fresh... and I only spent $5 on my drinks. My third beer was bought by a stranger who purchased a drink for everyone at the bar. That was cool. A nice surprise. My friend and I got caught up since we rarely get to see each other and we agreed, as happens with most of my friends, that we shouldn't go as long next time. We'll see.

I got home last night and had a few things on my mind. A conversation from the weekend was weighing on me a bit and the annoyance I felt toward my co-worker was still there. Luckily, the crazy guy in here has been out for the last two days sick... gives us all a break.

I was busy getting my babygirl prepared to go tinkle outside when my mom made an announcement. My uncle is being sent to Iraq. It took a minute to sink in. And when it did, it sunk in hard. And I cried. And my problems just sort of faded into the background. Even when the cutie text me, I was too exhausted from the day and from the news to be able to respond much. I went to sleep. And today the sun does look a little brighter but I wonder what it looks like to my aunt and my uncle... he doesn't leave until August but who needs this at all?

Rabbit Cacciatore

I... can't... stand... my... job... today. I can't stand my job today! It's not that the job itself has done anything wrong, I'm just incredibly bored but I have to stay here until my credit card is paid off. I can't go running to school full time and waitressing full time until I get that taken care of. I feel like I'm waiting around to start my real life. And, in a way, maybe I am.

Went out to dinner with friends last night. Checked out Blackbird... http://www.blackbirdnj.com/. Good stuff. I tried the rabbit (which was a first) and the gnocchi. I'd recommend this place though I'm not going to go rushing back. Somewhat, because it's expensive... and somewhat because the food was good but not so good that I will "need" or "desire" anything I had there again. However, I would say... go there... check it out... and bring some wine.

After dinner, a friend of mine and I went to go get one more drink. That was the one that sent me over the edge. And I had to pull over on the way home and ask her to drive. She did. And then I began to gush... like I usually do... about the cutie. And I wouldn't shut up. He drives me insane, especially when I've had too much to drink... but I dunno... I may have to make a decision of some sort soon about him. I want more than he's giving though I wanted to be patient, I do want to actually go out with the guy I like. Other people have dates, I go it alone. I don't mind being single, really. But at times, it would just be fun.

Bistro di Marino

Sixteen hour workday today. And I'm tired. Enjoyed some wine last night but I got home early so I went to sleep almost on time. Still, I'm tired. I'll wake up in a couple hours - fully wake up, that is.

So, I will not be creative today but I will give you a review and overview of the restaurant a few friends and I dined at last night.

Bistro di Marino... (this one is worth a link although their website isn't much as of yet)... http://www.bistrodimarino.com/.

We arrived on time as it's only a couple minutes away from our house and the pretty girl behind the tiny little host stand asked us to wait just a couple minutes while they cleared and reset our table. Ok... no prob... we'll go out for a smoke. While out for said smoke, one friend and I looked up and saw an older woman staring at us through the window... dirty look and all. I think she may have pointed. It wasn't pretty. Just a moment or so later the hostess stuck her head out the door... "would you mind if I sat them?". She needed to get the cranky ladies out of her hair. "Sure, go ahead, we're still waiting for a fourth to get here anyway."

We did eventually get sat and started to enjoy our meal. Earlier in the day the bistro had called me to confirm my reservations. Luckily I was by my phone so I got to speak to them. Unfortunately, the special menu that they were serving provided pretty much nothing but meat or fish selections. I don't do fish and it's Lent so I couldn't do meat. I brought this problem up to them, they pretty much assured me that they'd work with me. Cool.

So, I ordered the eggplant stuffed with mozzarella and tomatoes for my appetizer. Tasty. Very tasty. And I was looking forward to a double order (or entree sized order) of gnocchi in a blush sauce. No meat, no worries for me. Dessert was cannoli though I have to admit I only took one bite because I usually lose interest in dessert at these things. I like dessert but after a few courses of real sustenance, it just loses it's flair... sometimes. Last night was one of those times.

That's when the hostess asked us if we'd mind moving. We didn't mind but we wanted to get it over with. Though it is quite odd to ask your tables to move, especially once they've started eating.

My dinner was delightful, I'd order it again - assuming it's offered on the regular menu. But, my friends did not enjoy their meals. Said they were bland and the peppercorns were too big. And then one of them was unhappy with the cannolis. Said she got a big chunk of ice in them. I dunno, I only took one bite. And a full bite of whipped cream because I thought it was ice cream. It really did look like ice cream, the way it was lumped onto my plate.

As usual, we laughed alot and enjoyed each other's company. Good times, good times. But, man, am I beat today. And I've got a paper to write for school.

In Focus

What's there to say?

I'm knocking down therapy to every other week. Woo-hoo! That's good just for the fact that I don't need it as much and for the fact that it'll save me $50 a month.

I'm going to go back to school full time probably in 2009. Looks like I'll be waitressing again but that's ok with me as long as I'm working toward something. A degree and then most likely my masters will be worth it. And who knows... maybe I'll reach my other goals too. One step at a time though.

And the first step is to get through biology. I'm telling you right now... photosynthesis is amazing but it is not interesting. Not interesting at all.

Spanish I & II, here I come. (Over the summer.)

I'm broke and I'm living at my parents' house and I still have a long way to go with school. But, for the first time I'm really, truly focused on my future and I wouldn't have it any other way.

“It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.”
- Anthony Robbins

Unknown Substance

I finished up a lab report this morning. A food nutrient analysis. Basically we took three vials of water then placed different solutions in each along with a known and an unknown substance. Our (as in the lab group I worked with) unknown substance was very clearly Italian dressing. Which made me hungry... not for salad but for an Italian hoagie. I have yet to go and get myself one. However, I have had salad since doing it. Just isn't quite an Italian hoagie.

Anyway, yeah, back to where I was going with this. Positive and negative thoughts. They plague us. Well... I should say the negative ones seem to. Thinking positive is usually good, unless you're just completely doing it with no sense of reality. Then it's just silly.

For this lab, we filled each vial with water. Just as our minds are filled every day with all sorts of stimulis. Once you wake up, you generally... for most of us... start thinking and doing. Sometimes we seem to do without thinking but I believe thinking and doing seem to be what our days consist of. Then... something comes along. We have to go to work and start thinking more in depth, start concentrating a bit more, for example. And this is what I will refer to as our known substance. These are the things we're expecting and we generally know the results. Then we have the unknown substance... the little surprises in our day that can lead us down a road of assuming and guessing and wanting to know. And at that point, whether we think positive or negative will give us either the rest or worry that we wish upon ourselves. In the experiment, the results are a surprise... to a degree... but they're actually very predictable. They'd be much more predictable if we really did know for sure what the substance is... what was going on behind the scenes.

Every couple days I have a situation occur that confuses me. I don't know what's going on but up until today I would assume a negative outcome to what I do not know. Instead of looking at it with common sense, fear takes the wheel. And I start skidding around, emotions all over the place, with no way to stop unless I hit something. But, I'm working on not hitting something. I'm working on taking the wheel back. Two days ago, I took a few deep breaths and allowed reason in. There was a completely rational and reasonable explanation that completely and totally made sense. It had occured to me but for some reason, I allowed myself to think negatively about it and assume I was being done wrong. I wasn't. The rational reason was the correct one.

Today, however, I repeated to myself that I don't actually know what's up. That there could be a million (well, that's an exaggeration) different reasons for what I keep noticing about the neighborhood. And today it worked... and then I was pleasantly surprised. And I was sent a chuckle via email that made me smile bigger than makes sense. Partially because of the source and partially because I finally handled this the right way. I didn't get upset or worked up about my imaginings, I settled myself into reality with a simple "I don't know." Those three words would clear up much confusion for most of us, if we were willing to admit them.

Just like the unknown substance... you may have a hunch but we never seem to really know for sure until it's poured out onto our salad.

Not Much To Say... Again

Yesterday sucked. I cancelled my trip, found out I lost my deposit (well, all but 6 dollars), got my bill for school that had a couple late fees attached, had to borrow money from Mom and Dad, and then I had class. Which is just usually very boring. And last night was no different. All of this is positive for my future... I have to keep that in mind.

But... I hung out with the cutie after class and that made me smile. Really big. Smile because I feel relaxed around him now and my best self seems to come out when I'm with him. He just makes me melt.

Baby Steps

I cancelled my trip to Egypt today. This stinks, even if I am making the right decision. And I think I'm going to try for a part time job. I want to get myself back out on my own as soon as possible. Just have to get rid of the debt I collected over the last couple years. One step at a time, I guess.

Ahh... Feeling Better

Days like yesterday are scary for me. They come close to reminding me of how I felt pre-meds. The only difference was that I had a bit of self control and I did not have suicidal thoughts. The day just crumbled way downhill, leading to a freakout like I haven't had in quite some time. Scary stuff. Apparently, once a month I have to be careful. I did not fall into a depression but I did get really, really irrationally upset. So upset that my purse went flying and my dog got scared. In the middle of the night I got to have a tender conversation with someone who had a few answers for me. And today I woke up feeling like myself again. Relieved that Friday was over.

And today I not only feel like myself but I feel like I've come through. I feel like I need to just rest. What was horrible is over now.

I'll leave you with some lyrics that may better express my emotions yesterday for me:

Welcome to the fallout Welcome to resistance The tension is here The tension is here Between who you are and who you could be Between how it is and how it should be I dare you to move I dare you to move I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor I dare you to move I dare you to move Like today never happened Today never happened Maybe redemption has stories to tell Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell Where can you run to escape from yourself?

(Switchfoot - I Dare You To Move)

Bacon and Ass

The good news is the new guy is out until at least Tuesday, maybe Wednesday. Maybe even longer if he gets placed on a jury. That would be fantastic. Albeit scary for whoever is claiming they are not guilty.

Warning to readers: I have PMS so I am cranky. The only good news there is that I no longer get into hopeless depressions, I just get kind of bitchy. But, I'm trying to keep it under control. And I think I do an ok job. Just as long as I don't make any decisions today... besides what to eat or things of that nature... it should be alright. Actually, I'm feeling better than I did this morning. One co-worker said something about me being "lovely" this morning. And then another co-worker chimed in with "not THIS morning". So it goes...

My day yesterday was very, very productive. My parents have been away all week so I've been living my own life this week... exactly as I would if I were back in my own place. They come back tonight which doesn't help the PMS situation. I still maintain that my parents are wonderful. It's just that I am a grown up living like a 16 year old some days. Not exactly like a 16 year old but all I have is two bedrooms and neither of them are fully mine. My parents still use things (closets, etc) in each of them. Kind of a lack of privacy. I cannot wait to move out.

Also, I need to start putting some serious thought into what I'm going to do about school. I'm sticking with it this time around but I keep having very intense feelings of "I wish I had gone away to school." While I won't be able to go away to school at this point in my life... if I'm ever going to go as far as I would like... I need to go full time.

My life is as it is. There's nothing I can do to change the past. I have to simply accept where I am and keep working to dig myself out of this hole. For the first time in my life, I know what I want and I am working toward all my goals... little bit at a time. I have to keep remembering this. Even on my cranky days like this. When I am tempted to think miserable thoughts. Miserable thoughts that end up mixing themselves up and smelling like the title implies.

Skunked Beer To Go With A Skunked Attitude

Tension is as tension does. I don't really know what that means but I'm going to say it anyway. The tension in my office is bad and it seems I'm starting to carry it around with me elsewhere.

Went over to Philly last night to catch up with one of my friends. We went to Drinker's Pub (I know... I know... creative name) and then we stopped at Pearl, where I got to have myself a skunked Red Stripe. Fell in love with Red Stripe while in Jamaica. If I ever go back to the island I plan to tour their brewery. Although I've been told that I don't want to. I don't expect cleanliness so I'm not worried.

The problem last night was minor. Not huge. I was just carrying around alot of tension and not that much thought. So, I couldn't enjoy myself as much as I would have liked. Next time. However, the dollar tacos and $5 pitchers helped. Still... wish I could have enjoyed them more and felt more present in the moment. I simply didn't.

This crap at work has got to change. I can't keep carrying it around in my attitude like this... not good. Not good at all.

What Does It Take?

Threw a fit yesterday afternoon. An absolute fit. Read my horoscope afterwards... it actually started out "Touchy, touchy, touchy." Should have read it prior to dropping the f-bomb severals times in the direction, though not AT, my supervisor. He was not happy but he said he agrees with my viewpoint. This new guy is weird. And we want him gone before we end up with bullet holes riddling our bodies.

Yeah... well... we'll see. He may or may not be quite THAT bad off but we don't really feel like having him stick around to find out. For a moment I doubted myself too. Only for a moment, though. Was this a witch hunt? Were we all out to get him because we could be? The answer is "no". One of my co-workers has chosen to keep out of complaining about him due to the fact that he's trying to avoid being shot, if the time comes. Though he is frightened... "They always go for the innocent ones."

This is sad. Very sad. This guy is 25 years old and he's been labeled by us as a nut. And I knows nuts. Believe me, I do. However, this time it appears to be dangerous. We've all got this underlying feeling that has gripped us. We barely speak to one another in here anymore when he is around. However, when he has one of his daily "sit downs" with one of his three superiors, we all spin around in our chairs and spew about the latest crazy dish on this one.

And, yet, still... he has a job here. One of the things I simply cannot understand is how someone who freaks out his whole team can still have a job. How is that possible... and what will it take for him to be fired?

If Someone Took Your Money, Would That Make You Mad?

Getting back on track. That's the good stuff. Haven't gotten a good chance to exercise yet. Hopefully tonight.

Did some grocery shopping yesterday and started really working on getting this itchy problem under control. Good stuff because this has been a slow bit of torture.

Went to dinner last night. Visited Chili's once again. Got the fajita quesadillas but the server ignored that I wanted both steak and chicken. And she also ignored that my friend wanted no onions, instead she got no peppers with her fajitas. Oh well. Luckily, we were feeling too laid back to complain much.

We bitched equally about work... she's got a control freak lead in the department and I think one of my co-workers is on his way to snapping. As in, make the news really scary kind of snapping. But, hopefully they'll get rid of him first. Supposedly they're working on it. He did some bizarre stuff with snacks and a tray yesterday and then left early. Oh and the comment about the killer on CNN.com. "Is that me?". And the other question. (See title.)

And then there was seeing the adorable one wearing a shirt that he referred to as being "his gay crush"... "except not in the attractiveness department... just personality and sense of humor". Ok... I don't know if that's really a crush. He's a cutie.

Bedtime was about 45 minutes past when it should have been but oh well. Sometimes it's worth it when you're having fun. And I'm not really feeling the pain today so... it's all good.

Goodbye, Dish It Out

I itch. And itch. And itch. And itch. Got so bad I was woken up several times last night, needing to scratch desperately. Really hoping it is just a reaction to my laundry detergent. Going to be very upset if it's a reaction to my meds. Sticking with the laundry detergent guess for now. These crazy little red bumps are driving me batty, though.

Yesterday was an "ick" kind of day. Not a suicidal mess of crappiness. But, I was in a pissy mood. Multiple reasons and the itching doesn't help in the slightest. And my dad was either "upset" or "uptight"... I'm not sure what he said specifically.

I had a trigger... two of them, actually. One real... one running on assumptions. So, the assumptions one I decided to dispose of and ignore. There could be many, many explanations, not just the one that first popped into my mind. The other trigger was as it was... no way around that one.

And on top of it, the place I have been visiting to do my plate painting is shutting down at the end of month. Poo.

Today is better, crazy co-worker aside... he's scary. But, I don't really care to talk about him. It's boring when someone's creepy. Interesting while it's happening but not worth dwelling on. I'd rather dwell on how to get myself smiling again.

Getting back on a sleep schedule and working out is at the top of my list for helping myself. And both of which I will continue today.

Up In Smoke

A manager of mine from a couple years back said I struck her as having wisdom beyond my years.

My spiritual director recently told me I have wisdom that surpasses many of the 50 and 60 year olds she works with.

If this is so... why do I still smoke?