My Dinner Cost $64, They Almost Charged Me $145

Dinner with friends. Usually a good time. Last night was a good time. On my way there I was stuck in traffic (thanks Mr. Can't Move Your Tractor Trailer Out of the Way By 30th Street Station). Seems almost all of us were stuck in the same traffic at some point. However, I had a momentary insight while I was stuck in said traffic. I am working on getting over a not huge, not minor but still very real broken heart. The truth is, I only want to be surrounded by friends at the moment. I don't want to go out meeting other guys... I just want the comfort of those people whom I really enjoy being with. Without the pressure of... well... anything.

So... I parked my sorry butt about 5 or 6 city blocks away from the restaurant and made my way. In boots that are stiff and high. Very high. Wow. Those blocks were long. And then I had trouble finding the restaurant. Past the parking lot I had originally looked for to no avail, past the strip joint that I almost worked at (a long, long time ago), past the porn theater, past the Art Institute with all the smoking wanna be chefs out front... tucked away in a "mall" of designer furniture is Bistro St. Tropez. I would provide a link but I didn't think it was all that great. If you're super interested when you're done reading... Google it.

I sat down with my friends and it took me a bit to get my brain there. I think for a little while it remained on the elevator. And then I panicked. I had left my phone in my car... and one of the people who was supposed to be joining us wasn't there. What was I to do? So, I called an old friend of mine, using someone else's phone... only to get voicemail. I didn't know the missing friend's number and this old friend was the only one I could think of to get his number from. And then we remembered that he had given his digits to one of the other girls at the table. Don't get the wrong impression. Don't ASSUME. He's her electrician.

He got there and the food and drink could finally start flowing. And flow, it did. Two French Martinis, some hummus (which was served with fried pita... oh... the French), a wonderfully cooked medium rare steak, and some ice cream served in some pastry, followed up with a really good Amaretto and Diet. Mmm... mmm... still I was not blown away by the place. However, my lunch is going to be the remainder of the hummus and my dinner will probably be the remainder of my steak.

I think what turned me off in the place was the service. It just wasn't that good. And it's never cool to laugh or make jokes about a customer's last name. No, the reservation isn't a fake.

The conversation over dinner ranged from how to smuggle sand from the Sahara back to the US, the blinking sign that reminds us all of a seedy motel, and so forth. It was funny, it was good. I worry for a moment here and there that maybe I said too much aloud. Then I remember I like and trust these people.

Looking forward to dinner on Friday as well. It will be a mix of the people who went last night and we're going to change up some of the faces. Still... will be a good crowd, I'm sure of it.

Presuming That Assumptions Could Be Wrong

Assuming... we all know the saying... I assume we all know the saying. Or does that make me look like an ass?

Lately I've been on a kick about trying to be completely honest and not assuming that I know anything about anyone else at all. Honest in the way I deal with people, honest in my speech. Combine with that the ability to NOT assume and it's a tough thing to work on.

One thing I know for sure is nothing at all. I have no idea how other people feel, I have no idea what motivates them, I have no idea why they are who they are. Except what they tell me and experience.

I can't assume they're saying certain things about me. I can't assume they are avoiding me. I can't assume we're not friends anymore. I can't assume that they know what I'm thinking. I can't assume they know how to treat me without me telling them. I can't assume they know who I am unless I make it clear.

Actions do speak louder than words in many cases... and there are two things we can go on when judging a situation. Actions and words. However, don't assume that your judgments are right. There will still be times when you are wrong.

Plus, it's so much work to assume anyway. And too much damage can be caused.

After all, isn't knowing that you don't know anything supposed to be the beginning of wisdom?

Ode to the Third Hole In My Nose

Whoop! Out the window it went!

Last night I was lying on a cot type thing in a nail salon. I was getting my eyebrows waxed as I do every three weeks. As the woman slowly put the wax on and the proceeded to rip the hair out of my skin... something occured to me.

Why then, why there... I dunno.

I no longer enjoyed the fact that I had a nosering. I wanted to be rid of it. Suddenly, very intensely... and definitley. So, on my way home it went flying out the car window.

My mother had implanted the idea a couple months ago but I wasn't thinking of it last night. I just suddenly and unexpectedly thought about how trashy it makes me look or, rather, feel. Probably because it's tied to a period of time in my life that I'm not proud of. Mostly because it's simply not who I am anymore. Time to grow up, in a sense.

I got my nosering ten years ago, leaning over a counter... with a piercing gun (which are incredibly unsanitary, don't ever allow yourself to have one used on you)... for ten dollars by an Asian guy in a store located under the L. I was with my then friend Jessie and we both got it done. When I came home I walked around my house covering the middle of my face with my hand. (I have no idea how long I thought that would work.) My mother screamed when she saw it. Said she's never be seen with me again. And then she screamed about how my father was going to rip it out of my face when he got home. Neither prospect happened. But my friend Jessie did book out of the house, into her car, and down the street due to the intensity of the yelling.

I'm glad to be rid of it. But I am glad I had it. Glad I kept it for as long as I did. But, it's amazing how much freedom one feels when they can wipe their face down with a towel and not have to worry about knocking something out.

Loyal

And here I am. I had some pretty good therapy today. Love when that happens.

You see, I've been feeling rather strong lately about a situation with someone who I thought was in the past. Recent past but it seems things may be rolling again. Thing is, I have projected so many things onto him. (See Never Meant to Be So Cold.) Today I came to realize that I was also projecting onto him what he thinks of me. I have been sure he thinks I am this... and I am that... and the fact is I actually have no idea what he really thinks.

He told me this week that he really enjoys hanging out with me. He enjoys our talks. No awkward silences between us. And he's right. There aren't anymore. However, in my mind there never really was. But, it's better now... now that my mind is clear. And I can talk without being confused. Didn't even realize I was confused until now. My thoughts and my emotions were thoroughly mixed up. I constantly tried to figure out motives of other people in order to protect myself. I simply don't do that anymore. I simply don't care to.

Now... here's another pickle I find myself in. I am a one guy kind of girl. I don't "play the field" and I don't want to start doing that now. However... I can't close myself off to other possibilities until I know that something really is happening. Can I find a balance? Is it possible? I guess I just have to take it one day at a time... one situation at a time... and be myself. Not someone I'm "trying" to be. I'm very monogamous and I'm loyal. Very loyal. Both to my mens and my friends. I guess, eventually, I'll either see this work for me or against me... either way I don't want to change it. Now that I know it.

Brew Some Good, Maxwell House Says. Hmph.

I noticed I was a mess while at the carwash... but I chose to ignore it.

Then I noticed when I frantically cleaned out the back seat of my car... but I ignored it.

I noticed when I nearly fell asleep on my brother's couch and told my mother we had to leave. How often does the child tell the mother it's time to go? And my mother is currently a mild non-permanent cripple. She wasn't running around like a nut.

I barely slept on Sunday night. Well, I slept but the sleep was worse than a drunken sleep. It was just not comfortable.

Yesterday I was cranky. Everything was wrong and all the little things that I put out of my mind usually were sitting right at the forefront. And I bitched and bitched and bitched and bitched.

I read somewhere that bipolar people should stay away from coffee.

I am for now on staying away from TOO MUCH coffee. At least 8 cups in the course of the day may have been a bit much. Ruined an entire 24 hour period for me. In fact, I may not drink it at all anymore. Unless it's in the form of a Coolata. They are too tasty to never taste again.

WTF?

Yesterday, something hard came along and slammed reality right back into my face. And the reality is much harder for my friend. Breast cancer while in her late twenties. BREAST CANCER!!!! Early onset.

This is heart breaking but I know she's going to beat it. I have no doubt in my little mind that she will beat this. Please pray for her, if you pray.

This Takes Believing In Evolution

I do believe in evolution. I don't have any doubts that it happened and continues through today and into tomorrow though I realize Darwin didn't have it down pat.

Went to a lecture last night. It was awesome. Besides the fact that I found a parking lot that only charges $5 for parking anytime after 2pm until 11pm, the lecture itself got me thinking.

Dr. Spencer Wells was at the Franklin Institute. He was talking about the Genographic Project. What is the Genographic Project you may ask. I didn't know either until last night. It's a worldwide scientific project which provides anyone who wants to participate and lots of indigenous peoples a mapping of where their ancestors have roamed throughout the Earth based on our DNA. I'm not about to try and explain it. I don't have that kind of knowledge about it. I just know that it's freaking cool. And I am going to get my DNA tested.

Here's a link to check out what I'm talking about... this is so neat...
https://www3.nationalgeographic.com/genographic/

We are all one gigantic family. We all share common ancestors. After this lecture I started looking around at the people I deal with every day and the people who live in the public eye. We're all the same ultimately. And I think that's a beautiful thing. We're all also very different, slight mutations in everyone's DNA is what assures us of this. On average, I believe, the PhD said we each have about 50 of these mutations that makes us different from our parents, which leads to eventual changes on down the line. That is so cool and beautiful. Our diversity is nothing but little boo-boos in our DNA. And from other sources it's been said that much of our differences come from our body's adaptation to climate. Again... so neat.

He Was Happy His Mother Had MS

Yesterday a chill went down my spine. And my heart sunk. I heard about someone I haven't heard about in a long while. Granted, I brought him up by way of a quick joke. Didn't expect to hear of anyone's recent interactions with him but I did.

The bad stuff, I thought, had faded into my memory. I didn't even realize I still hold a grudge against him. But... I do. Sorry... telling me you want me dead, kicking me out at a moment's notice and influencing one of my best friends to stop talking to me... these things, I guess, stick with me. Let's not forget that I set you up with her (what was I thinking...) or about the Satanic bible you kept around the place as light reading. (Yes, I know about the supposed difference between Satanism according to Anton LeVoy and the goofy stuff you see in the movies but still... Satanism, in my opinion is lame. Actually, that was a friend of mine's opinion yesterday and I'm stealing his words because I simply agree though I do believe everyone has the right to believe what they want without harrassment.)

I have chosen to let it go as of yesterday. I felt assured by the friend who speaks to him on occasion that I will not be brought up to him. He doesn't need to know anything about me and I really don't want him to know anything. He was creepy. Except that stupid looking tattoo on his back. The artist tried to do it freehand, hee hee hee.

Weekend Overview

Ugh... hangovers. Funny how sometimes they decide to not just stop by for a visit... sometimes they decide to stay for a while. Yesterday was a hangover day for me. Drank too much this weekend but I had a good time doing it. Two days of fun, one day of not fun. I think I'll still take the two days of fun.

Triumph was a blast and the neatest part was hearing and recognizing Franklin Bridge when they were playing over the stereo system. My friend and I got our picture taken by the Philly2Night people. Good shot of us, I must say. The only guy who hit on me Friday night was a guy in a pink shirt and braces. Interesting.

Sunday it was bowling and then the best ever one year old's birthday party. Had a blast catching up the friends. Again, another picture was taken, this time with our party hats on. In my brother's amazing new house. It's gourgeous. Absolutely beautiful. I find it amazing that he has the gift he does. Builds two houses in his lifetime with his own two hands. Each one just gets better.

Guess I didn't have a weekend of insight here. Nothing left an impression on me, really. But, that's ok for once. :)

Never Meant to Be So Cold

One moment, I want to forget it. The next moment I'm feeling butterflies again and giggling to myself. The next day... I want to forget it. But, I don't want to forget it. I want to take my time and show myself for who I am. Really am. Allowing my walls to tumble down and realize I may get hurt again. To be ok with this is tough but it's necessary. To be vulnerable instead of a cold hearted bitch. Ok... maybe that was a bit extreme but I certainly have the ability to be cold. I didn't realize it until yesterday when I realized a song that reminded me of someone else was actually me projecting my own behavior onto him. So... here goes. I'm just going to go about walking my path, come what may.

Hot Ride in a Cool Place

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
Engines pumping and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags go up.
Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup.
They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank.
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns.
Their prowess is potent and secretly stearn.
As they speed through the finish, the flags go down.

(Cake - The Distance)

Went go carting and then out for drinks last night.

Here's what I walked away with:

Oh Shit!

Number 18 sucks.

These cars do not go 35mph.

"My car is the one without the license plates, they were stolen."

Yes, my last name is just like Austin Powers.

I really feel like I've been to a frozen tundra... back in 1987.

He looks like one of the characters from Six Feet Under.

"He looks like the guy who always reminds me of Will Ferrel."

If there's an emergency, just pull the white thing and bang on the side.

What's wrong with those girls? Oh, they must have gone to the Funplex.

I think his car keeps getting stuck because...

Can I have toppings on my pizza? No? Ok.

If you had a horn sticking out of your head, it would be easier to remember your name.

Forgiveness

Sometimes seeing someone whom you were really close to again... it can be nice. The smiles can be free flowing and forgiveness can be at it's peak. It's awesome when this happens and you don't even think about the way you hurt each other. I think that's forgiveness fulfilled. That was my night last night. And it felt great.

Almost Pulled the Trigger in My Dream

Crash and burn. It started on Sunday... didn't really clear up until today. The dream that woke me up yesterday would have startled anyone. My doctor also sounded concerned. Buddies, thank God for them, can help you through a panic attack if only you call. Wow! Glad I woke up this morning feeling better.

While this low was not the lowest I've ever been... it's different now. Because I notice that it's different than it should be. My mom said it best... "days when I know the medicine is working are the days I don't really think about the fact that I'm sick". She's dead on with that one.

The Circles on the Floor Look Like Blood Platelets

Guys. They really are wonderful creatures. Incredibly wonderful, beautiful, and amazing. Well, some of them. Except the douchebags.

When you meet a girl and her friends... don't tell a disgusting joke about blondes in offices knowing it's none of the guys on this floor based on a semen sample. That's repulsive. And stupid. And your breath stinks anyway. Please back up. Don't tell a girl's friends that the two gay guys over there "make you want to toss your cookies". That will only lead certain girls, such as myself, to call you a douchebag to your face. He didn't appreciate it but I meant it.

And he knew it. The problem wasn't so much that he isn't comfortable being around homosexuals. That's a personal emotion that I can't judge in and of itself. He may not understand it. The problem was that he tried to say he had no problem with it but seeing it makes him sick. That means he has a problem with it and is concerned about the fact that he knows he sounds like an ass but doesn't want people to think he is one. Stand behind your words if you're going to say them. And if you say you don't have a problem with something, don't turn around and say something contradictory, douchebag.

And if you have a problem with being around homosexuals, don't go to clubs they frequent. And don't even begin to think that you and I are on the same wavelength just because we live in the same town. "All the way" across from each other in a tiny little town. I may be a girl but I know what a small town is. Douchebag.

Unfriendly

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?All the lonely people, where do they all belong? (Beatles Lyrics)

Now... I want you to replace the word "lonely" with "unfriendly".

All the unfriendly people, where do they all come from? All the unfriendly people, where do they all belong?

Recently I have been noticing a trend. I've been noticing that way, way too many of the people I come across on a regular basis are completely unfriendly. Example: Being in a group situation with a bunch of people you don't really know and having them ignore you when you speak. All of them. They remain only interested in each other. Forget that this girl knows no one and is just trying to not feel "lonely".

Where does this behavior come from? What's up with people? I don't get it. Went to Old City recently. My friend and I were standing out on a corner while I smoked a cigarette (or two). A woman came barreling out of the corner restaurant. She was also lighting a smoke up and I could see her looking at us from the corner of her eye. So I did what I thought was natural. I said "hello". She was taken aback and relieved all at once. "You two are the only friendly people I've met in a long time." Because I said hello? I know she wasn't lying... but why wouldn't I say hello? Why wouldn't we strike up a conversation about the man she was taking a break from inside. He's the "one" but his parents are a problem. They're born again Christians who have an issue with her Catholicism. She needed to vent, glad we could give her ears to listen by.

I just don't get it. I told my therapist I think unfriendliness comes mostly from fear. Fear takes on many, many forms after all. It's safe in a world where you know what and who you are dealing with. But, after a while... how interesting can it really be?