Loyal

And here I am. I had some pretty good therapy today. Love when that happens.

You see, I've been feeling rather strong lately about a situation with someone who I thought was in the past. Recent past but it seems things may be rolling again. Thing is, I have projected so many things onto him. (See Never Meant to Be So Cold.) Today I came to realize that I was also projecting onto him what he thinks of me. I have been sure he thinks I am this... and I am that... and the fact is I actually have no idea what he really thinks.

He told me this week that he really enjoys hanging out with me. He enjoys our talks. No awkward silences between us. And he's right. There aren't anymore. However, in my mind there never really was. But, it's better now... now that my mind is clear. And I can talk without being confused. Didn't even realize I was confused until now. My thoughts and my emotions were thoroughly mixed up. I constantly tried to figure out motives of other people in order to protect myself. I simply don't do that anymore. I simply don't care to.

Now... here's another pickle I find myself in. I am a one guy kind of girl. I don't "play the field" and I don't want to start doing that now. However... I can't close myself off to other possibilities until I know that something really is happening. Can I find a balance? Is it possible? I guess I just have to take it one day at a time... one situation at a time... and be myself. Not someone I'm "trying" to be. I'm very monogamous and I'm loyal. Very loyal. Both to my mens and my friends. I guess, eventually, I'll either see this work for me or against me... either way I don't want to change it. Now that I know it.