Back to the Drawing Board

"I've fallen down but I'll rise above this"
- Rise Above This, Seether

I decided to write it all down as a narrative.  Maybe not every little, last detail but the overall effect of it all on me and what the general circumstances were.  In the course of doing so, I recalled the first time I felt inferior to someone and how that feeling has persisted with me to this day.  Not only with her but with so many others too.  Strange part is how I keep going back - or sticking around - to feel it again.  Over and over.  It's right there on those pages.  How I keep myself in situations in which I do not rise above.  Strange how the subconscious works to keep you down, if that is what you have usually known.

This is not a pity party, just an acknowledgement.  And I will take each issue and beat it to death.  One at a time.  I mean, a merciless but complete death - if I can.  I've read that I need to acknowledge, mourn my losses and move on.  I just have to figure out exactly how this gets done without annoying the crap out of everyone around me or alienating myself in the process.  All of my major issues reside on those pages... there are things I do not recall but what I do recall, ain't so pretty. 

Maybe I can expel it through writing (no, not all here).  Maybe that's my natural defense.  God gave me the ability for a reason.  I hope it means I'll be selling my work eventually.  But, for now... I'm ok with this.  I'm ok with using it for my own personal means... until the losses are just mere memories... memories that no longer cloud my thinking or make me feel like there's something lurking, waiting... hunting. 

Last night I had a terrible nightmare that someone was in my apartment.  When I woke up, I was convinced of it for quite some time.  I just lay there eyes open, listening and waiting.  Frozen until I fell back asleep.  The truth is... there is something lurking outside my door, something in the dark.  Can I continue to let it get at me?  Well, that's totally up to me.  Will I?  I hope not. 

And what led me down this road?  Envy.  To be honest.  I see how others are out in the world.  Some of the people I love to spend time with.  I see and feel a difference between them and me.  It's not jealousy, mind you.  Just simply me noticing how at peace they appear to be with who they are... that they are who they are... that they are willing to present that person to the world.  Which is also not to say that I never do.  I have fun when I'm out with my girls (and the few guys I have remained close with).  And those who are close enough to me know the real me.  To make this clear... it's not that I hide myself exactly... I just would like to work through the stuff that causes me to be stuck sometimes (sometimes mid-sentence) and I would like to feel objective about the past.  It is what it is after all.

Guess what it all comes down to is simple... I've got more work to do.  I'm sending my ass back to therapy.  I may have to start all over with someone else but it'll be worth it.  I really hope it'll be worth it.  I had never felt so good as when I was going there regularly.  Now it's been months but things just aren't going the way they had been.  And I have simply uncovered a few things that run amok in my brain just a little (or way) too often.

8 Gifts

THE GIFT OF LISTENING

But you must REALLY listen.

No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.


THE GIFT OF AFFECTION

Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.


THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you".


THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.


THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT

A simple and sincere, "You look great in red", "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.


THE GIFT OF A FAVOR

Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.


THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.


THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION

The easiest way to feel good is to make other feel good.


Authors Details: Unknown Author

Desserts is Stressed Backwards

Back into the world again, my friend. I have spent the last five weeks holed up in my apartment Monday through Thursday in order to exercise, exercise, exercise. And my body has changed. Strangely, though, as I have previously mentioned my weight loss has been rather small. I'm losing but it's definitely at the slowest pace I have ever encountered. It's been frustrating. Not to say I'm not pleased with the body changes regardless of the lack of scale changes, I am. Still, it'd be nice to see the scale come down.

I think I have been taking the wrong approach to all this. I think I finally (accidentally) figured out what I have been doing wrong. I think I have stressed my body out both physically but mostly mentally (which translates into physically)to the point that I was sabotaging myself.

In the past week I have gone from watching what I eat to the point that it was bordering on obsession (mostly because I was so freaking hungry that I couldn't pay attention to much else) to going ahead and satisfying my hunger pangs. And guess what... go ahead... guess. My scale has not gained anything. In fact, if I am predicting correctly... tomorrow, in my "official" weekly weigh-in, I predict I will have lost a little more. I didn't fall off the dietary wagon on purpose, it was by accident. But - I'm kind of glad I did. It made me think... maybe I have been going about this just a little too fanatically.

I have turned down offers to hang with my friends (though working until 7:30 each night does not help this either) and I have veered away from going out at all. Well, with all the mental cloudiness that was going on, I could not catch focus enough to stay on top of things quite the same way. And it has paid off after all. Not just on the scale but also in the way I am feeling.

Yes, I would like to go out during the week again. Yes, I would like to eat something a little more interesting than a few crumbs several times a day. This is not an announcement that I will be going back to all my bad habits. And when I'm on the late shift at work I will still be taking alot more "me" time. But - when I go back to days I will not and can not go to staying alone all the time. I am a naturally very social creature. Not having that for the last five weeks has been a bit much for me. Life is too short to spend too much of it like that. I will not be going out every night (can't afford that since OT has been slashed) but I can afford to go out sometimes. If anything, I can't afford not to.

Bloodwork: Check

My thought process (though cloudy as of late) finally feels down to Earth today. Still getting agitated just a little too often. Still had to apologize three times today for raising my voice in the workplace. Makes me feel a little like a lunatic but hopefully I can manage to feel even like I do right now a little more often.

I wrote down my goals. Just trying to figure out where I'm going. Besides on some trips. (Hopefully.)

Finally got back to some studying. And I'll get back on the workout train tonight after work. I've got a few other things planned for the future. I'll mention them in time. Either way, nice to see them all written down so that I can figure out how to get to my goals instead of just floundering about.

Got my bloodwork today. I'll call my doctor tomorrow to reschedule an earlier appointment than the one I had. Things are going to get better soon. This is something I'm really hoping.

Messy Bed

Monday was a bad day. I could barely move. Avoiding the mirror in the bathroom became a major objective on my part. I didn't even consider brushing my hair and I stayed in my pajamas all day. I was at the point of functioning at that super low level that those who have never actually had to fight depression (not the "blues") simply do not understand. Rightfully and thankfully so. There's no thinking straight... in fact, there's barely thinking. There's no reasoning and no fighting it, you just collapse. In almost every possible way. I couldn't even cry if I had wanted to because I just felt nothing at all.

It's been coming for quite some time. And while today was better, it still wasn't great. I have been pretty awful to be around for quite some time now. Maybe not at every passing moment but often enough that I have isolated myself in the office and a bit more than is good for me outside of the office.

Don't get me wrong... exercise is great and I have enjoyed it but I need to reach some balance with it. I need to reach some balance in almost every area of my life. My eating has been the only real balance I have managed to get right. And needless to say... that went out the window too... at least for the last two days.

Tomorrow I go to get bloodwork done. That will be the first step in finding out if it's something besides my medication and those parts of my life that I am not crazy about. I know that some of this is situational but much of it is chemical. When you know what you've got, you know when it's going wrong. Make no mistake... I had a great weekend. But - the rest of the time, there's been a whole bunch of ugly going on.

The fact is I have to accept the reality that my medication is simply no longer working. At least not completely. I can't think straight, I've had suicidal thoughts and I have just been a complete and total bitch to too many of the people around me.

It would be a lie to say I'm not scared. The truth is, I'm terrified. I have never switched medications since starting on the Seroquel. It's been a few years. And now it's time for me to try something new. I know that's where this is headed. I can look forward to getting back on track again but the time in between is just a frightening thought to me. What's withdraw going to be like? What side effects will I have with the new stuff? Is this going to improve my life or make it worse?

Still, something's gotta give. I've been in pretty shaky shape for several months. I need some changes to take place because I do not like who I have become. (And neither do most of those who are around me regularly.) Do I still think my semi-ruts (I am trying to actively change those parts of my life I do not like - though some of those efforts are currently stalled) are contributing? Absolutely. I know the outside changes that need to be made. But - I don't think I can realistically change them in a concrete way until the inside changes have been made.

One thing that keeps running through my head is "messy bed... messy head" (shout-out to Spice on that one). My bed hasn't been made since the first month of the summer. (Not that I have ever made my bed every day.) Still - it says something to me - something that is very loud and clear.

Random Thought #23

"How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?"
-from a forward

Take Two and Call Me In the Morning

I haven't been writing much as of late. I realize this. Not that I think anyone is wondering where I went. Just haven't had all that much to say. My world has been mostly about my makeover. Which is not exactly exciting to anyone else... I don't think.

So, one area I'm looking to makeover is some of my relationships. Or lackthereof, I suppose. Basically - this is how it's got to go. I want my relationships to be a two-way street. You reach out to me, I reach out to you. And vice versa. There needs to be a little give and take. From both sides. Sadly, I make myself feel the slight sting of rejection from time to time by asking (in a blanket statement) if my friends want to join me for this, that or the other thing. The good friends get back to me. The not so good friends tend to just ignore the emails I send. While I can understand missing them or forgetting to respond from time to time... each and every time definitely sends me the message I think I'm supposed to be getting.

"Don't bother asking me to hang out... I don't want to hang out with you... to the point that I'm not even going to react to your invitation."

I wasn't aware that the people I knew got so many invitations on such a regular basis that they simply can't get back to me because they're swamped.

Ok... I don't believe that. I'm sure there are varied reasons why they don't get back to me. I'm absolutely sure of it. Those who get a pass - married with kids. I am well aware that they usually can't go for one reason or another... whether it be money or lack of babysitters or being just plain old tired. They may, also, just simply want to be home with their favorite people... their kids. While I still would appreciate a word or two of "sorry, can't make it because...", I don't really mind not hearing back from them. Hence, the "pass". Those who do not get a pass... people who forget they have friends because they've found a special friend... a special someone... a romantic partner. I have a few friends who only come around when that area is down and out for them. Seriously? Still? We're not 16 anymore...

Recently I read a quick blurb about how taking an OTC painkiller can help dull the pain of social rejection (because the area of the brain that is affected during social rejection is also affected by this particular pain killer). Which painkiller is it? Acetaminophen. However - just yesterday I read an article on how OTCs can be dangerous if taken too often. While my feelings of social rejection are simply not often enough to warrant worry about the damage taking Tylenol will cause me... I still think the smart move is to simply stop asking instead of risking the side effects of pain medication.

(No, I wasn't really going to take the Tylenol for this kind of thing.)

But, really, folks - all it takes is the occasional "hello", "hiya" or "howya". This is not complicated. As for the invites... "sorry, I can't make it" is all you have to say. If I'm not worth this to you... then why did I even bother?

The simple answer is... because you were worth it to me.

How About...

How about... I start treating myself like I'm worth something?

How about... I not get upset with myself for buying the cutest $60 boots ever.

How about... life is too short to keep worrying about the things that don't really matter to me.

How about... I try to travel, teach, read, write and love.

How about... that love is not just for others but for myself as well.

How about... love for myself means taking care of oneself.

How about... everything else is just extra... at least to me.

A Different Kind of Lonely

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

- If You're Going Through Hell, Rodney Atkins

When I started this blog a few years ago... I was looking for a way to exorcise some of my demons. Mostly the ones related to my disorder and all of it's varied symptoms. It was a way for me to talk about it freely and openly for the first time in my life. It was about me learning what I could to help myself and then, well, helping myself. I'm not sure if I was trying to help anyone along the way but maybe I did... maybe I didn't. Maybe it has at least entertained, if nothing else.

But - rather quickly - along the way I began to change focus a bit. Not on purpose, just by way of evolving. (Which is, in general, everyone's main job in life... whether or not they do it.) As my mother once said "if the medication is working, you don't think about being sick". She was right. And more often than not... I have found this to be the case.

Lately, though, I have been struggling quite a bit. It just so happens that today and yesterday have been good days but before that... let's just say I was feeling pretty low. I think the only reason I moved at all was due to my exercise schedule as of late. I was treating people bad... being argumentative and defensive. I even rolled my eyes at Biff early in the week. This is not like me one bit. I do not like that person. The person that says (by her actions) "I'm hurting on the inside so you should too." This is not the reality of the person I know I am but this is the person I was being.

Where's all the ugly coming from? Besides the fact that I really, really, really dislike my job and haven't felt ok with it since I got back from vacation back in June... it is, very simply, my disorder flaring up. Sleep is of the utmost importance with bipolar disorder... we need it to be on schedule, on time and very regular. Rotating shifts is a bitch but mostly I have been noticing that my sleep just hasn't been as good as I am used to. I didn't recall until earlier this week that my doctor had provided me with a little extra help when I need it. Meant mostly for my PMSing... I have some extra sleep help waiting for me in the form of a pill. When I sleep well... things are under control.

In the last couple weeks I have found myself lonely. Feeling like I have no one to talk to when I'm feeling low has been pretty uncomfortable. I'm not asking to go on and on about it but it helps when others acknowledge that it is a real and legitimate issue. That it is what it is but that it is, for some of us, a real and actual problem. That when the brain goes dark (from what I have read... brain scans show a slower rate of electrical impulse for the depressed person than the average person) there is little to nothing that I can do besides try to get my sleep, exercise, etc, etc. Sometimes, though, I need to be able to freely express all the shitty stuff that's going through my mind without judgement. If for no other reason than to get it out and maybe for a little pick-me-up from those who are actually willing to listen. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am not a naturally negative person - it's only when my moods swing downwards. Which can happen, unfortunately, at almost any time. But - it is usually at it's worst around "that time of the month". Medication is a blessing but it is not a catch-all.

There are different types of loneliness in this world. Having an issue that people do not want to hear about, let alone discuss at all, can leave someone feeling very outcasted at a time when that may be an emotion they simply can not handle very well. Trying to tell someone who's mood swings are an actual medical issue not to have those issues is like trying to tell an epileptic not to have a seizure. Telling them not to is not going to stop it.

(Neat little fact... my medication, Seroquel, was first designed for epilepsy.... and is now used for mental disorders... kind of gives you the hint that the brain really is biologically affected in disorders such as mine.)

There is no cure for what I have but there is maintenance. Which I am really big into. Part of me going into personal training is so that I can move around all day. Just so happens that I love to do that anyway. God is giving me a provision mixed with a passion to help others.For this, I am blessed. I feel as though I am actually just taping into what is being provided. And all of my other hopes and dreams will come along too, if I just keep the path. God never promised us that everything will always be ok and we each have our issues to deal with - that which we are responsible for as adults. Doesn't mean we can't complain once in a while... doesn't mean that negative thoughts make us a crappy person or a less than person... just means that when all is said and done and you come out the other side... you are smiling and know that you just conquered the beast at least for a little while. Most medical issues have two sides to them... the blessing and the curse. The curse in mine? Well, that's obvious. The blessing? Knowing that I have what it takes deep, down inside to make it through... even when my mind is telling me to just go ahead and end it all. Fighting that urge can be quite a feat all on it's own.

Life keeps providing me with oppurtunities to adapt and overcome. For this... I am grateful and less than lonely when all is said and done.

With or Without the Yogurt

So... this recipe actually calls for some plain Greek yogurt. Turns out that I am not a fan of plain Greek yogurt. However - if you are... have a 1/4 to 1/2 cup of yogurt with this. Otherwise - it's still a tasty twist on getting one of your five-a-day.

1 medium banana, split down the middle, longways
1 tbsp (or so) natural peanut butter
1 tbsp Wheat Germ
Honey

Spread the peanut butter on one side of the sliced banana. Sprinkle with the Wheat Germ and place the two slices on top of each other like a sandwich. Cut into small slices and drizzle with honey.

Yummy and slightly more filling than a banana alone.

Four Pieces of Plastic

One of my credit cards now lives in the garbage. It took more than one minute to get myself to chop it up. Not really sure why. I shouldn't have an attachment to the piece of plastic but, for some reason, it appears that I do. What a strange thing to be addicted to. I considered freezing it but decided against it. I have no desire for that. Somehow, it still won't seem "fixed" if I do that. My attachment to it needs to be killed.

I need to not even have the option to use it at all. Which, now, I definitely do not. Feels good. Gotta admit.

Another step in the right direction.

One Down

Chapter One: Check

Anatomy: Check

Ana and I are finally make real, measurable progress. For that, we are grateful. It may only be the first book but it's definitely something.

Dust If You Must

Dust if you must,
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture, or write a letter, bake a cake, or plant a seed.

Ponder the difference between want and need.

Dust if you must, but there is not much time, with rivers to swim and mountains to climb! Music to hear, and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must,
but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain, this day will not come round again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go, and go you must, You, yourself, will make more dust!



Authors Details: 'Dust if You Must' Unknown Author

She Lived

I spent alot of time today debating what I would write about. Well, maybe not THAT much time... some time. In spurts, in between thoughts of vacations, my future business, my exercise routine and dinner tonight. Oh, right... and work... yeah... thoughts of work too.

I thought about the movie I watched (and love) last night. Secondhand Lions. It was my brand-new-to-me copy from Amazon. I adore getting DVDs used from Amazon. It's the same thing you'd buy in a store but some of the movies are no more than twenty cents plus shipping. Sure, someone else previewed them - who cares? Millions of other people have seen most of them - it's not going to change a damn thing about how you view whatever the film in question may be.

At the end of the flick someone says "They lived." During the movie it really means something, when I looked it up to quote it today on IMDB, I realized that the words "they lived" really made for not the best starting a blog entry quote ever. Still... there's something in the sentiment I am trying to capture. Something in the film feels eerily similar to the feeling I get when I continue reading "Eat, Pray, Love" or when I think about (and in many ways fantasize) about what's up around the bend for me.

Trying to describe this almost "eerie" feeling is a bit more complicated than I would have thought. Really, it's just a question I keep posing to myself. What do I want from life? What is my time, money and effort best handed over to? When my time comes... I want whomever is left to be able to say "she lived" and really mean it. I am well along the road of being able to say that. I have explored all sorts of different avenues already in my 31 years but nothing really, in the grand scheme. I do find the idea (now that I already did for a good chunk of time) of completely settling down as not only frightening but simply not for me. I am not sure that I will ever want to settle down to watch sitcoms or cop dramas on my end of the couch each night. Maybe my mind will change but maybe it's just not my fate. For some people, I imagine, this is ideal - and that's OK. I am, by no means, putting down other people's choices... just thinking about my own at the moment.

So... let's raise a glass (or a water bottle because that's all that is available to me at the moment) and toast to the past 30 years as well as the next 10, 20, 30, 40 or more years and the fact that I, honestly, have no clear cut answer as to what I will be doing when each of those milestones hit. I know where I'd like to be but we'll see how close it actually gets to what I'm imagining in my mind.

Sole To Soul

I believe in movement. I believe that movement - whether walking, lifting, jumping, running, catching, rolling or any other kind of extension, flexion, abduction, adduction, rotation or circumduction leads to not only movement of the body but also movement of the soul. At least for me.

Life has never felt as complete to me without it. The body craves it and the soul longs for it. Think about it - one takes a walk for a multitude of reasons, right? To get some exercise, to get somewhere they need or want to be or even to simply clear the mind. The mind-body connection is undeniable in many ways. When we start moving, we feel better. Simple as that. Yes, there are hormones that help (endorphines) but it's also just the act of getting off your ass and knowing you have done well that helps to give us a clearer vision.

And that, my friends, is what personal training is all about to me. It's simply my way of helping others to not only reach their health goals but also just to simply show them how to start moving again. Our world continues to become more and more futuristic in the way that we are moving less than ever. People don't walk like they used to. As of late, I find myself walking whenever it is possible and safe to do so. There is a certain radius around my apartment where I will or will not go. (One direction is only ventured into during the day though - Camden is not a fun town to visit after dark.) I have slowly but surely been figuring this exact radius out. Basically, it involves two to five towns in the immediate area. My own and the four around me. (Philly makes six if you count after I get off the train...) That doesn't mean I'll be crossing all of those towns, it just means I sometimes set foot into them. Once I manage to get myself a new road bike, I'll be adding several more towns to the list. I look forward to that.

So... I believe in movement. I believe in making my life as full as can be with muscles and joints moving about. Doesn't mean I do not believe in rest also - I do. But - we've got to earn the rest for it to feel fulfilling. The way it's supposed to. Just like enjoying a meal out on the weekend. It never tastes quite as good as when you've eaten well all week - when you have earned the french fries or the white burger bun. Honest to goodness - only allow yourself potatoes once a week and you will discover exactly how good potatoes can taste.