A Different Kind of Lonely

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

- If You're Going Through Hell, Rodney Atkins

When I started this blog a few years ago... I was looking for a way to exorcise some of my demons. Mostly the ones related to my disorder and all of it's varied symptoms. It was a way for me to talk about it freely and openly for the first time in my life. It was about me learning what I could to help myself and then, well, helping myself. I'm not sure if I was trying to help anyone along the way but maybe I did... maybe I didn't. Maybe it has at least entertained, if nothing else.

But - rather quickly - along the way I began to change focus a bit. Not on purpose, just by way of evolving. (Which is, in general, everyone's main job in life... whether or not they do it.) As my mother once said "if the medication is working, you don't think about being sick". She was right. And more often than not... I have found this to be the case.

Lately, though, I have been struggling quite a bit. It just so happens that today and yesterday have been good days but before that... let's just say I was feeling pretty low. I think the only reason I moved at all was due to my exercise schedule as of late. I was treating people bad... being argumentative and defensive. I even rolled my eyes at Biff early in the week. This is not like me one bit. I do not like that person. The person that says (by her actions) "I'm hurting on the inside so you should too." This is not the reality of the person I know I am but this is the person I was being.

Where's all the ugly coming from? Besides the fact that I really, really, really dislike my job and haven't felt ok with it since I got back from vacation back in June... it is, very simply, my disorder flaring up. Sleep is of the utmost importance with bipolar disorder... we need it to be on schedule, on time and very regular. Rotating shifts is a bitch but mostly I have been noticing that my sleep just hasn't been as good as I am used to. I didn't recall until earlier this week that my doctor had provided me with a little extra help when I need it. Meant mostly for my PMSing... I have some extra sleep help waiting for me in the form of a pill. When I sleep well... things are under control.

In the last couple weeks I have found myself lonely. Feeling like I have no one to talk to when I'm feeling low has been pretty uncomfortable. I'm not asking to go on and on about it but it helps when others acknowledge that it is a real and legitimate issue. That it is what it is but that it is, for some of us, a real and actual problem. That when the brain goes dark (from what I have read... brain scans show a slower rate of electrical impulse for the depressed person than the average person) there is little to nothing that I can do besides try to get my sleep, exercise, etc, etc. Sometimes, though, I need to be able to freely express all the shitty stuff that's going through my mind without judgement. If for no other reason than to get it out and maybe for a little pick-me-up from those who are actually willing to listen. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am not a naturally negative person - it's only when my moods swing downwards. Which can happen, unfortunately, at almost any time. But - it is usually at it's worst around "that time of the month". Medication is a blessing but it is not a catch-all.

There are different types of loneliness in this world. Having an issue that people do not want to hear about, let alone discuss at all, can leave someone feeling very outcasted at a time when that may be an emotion they simply can not handle very well. Trying to tell someone who's mood swings are an actual medical issue not to have those issues is like trying to tell an epileptic not to have a seizure. Telling them not to is not going to stop it.

(Neat little fact... my medication, Seroquel, was first designed for epilepsy.... and is now used for mental disorders... kind of gives you the hint that the brain really is biologically affected in disorders such as mine.)

There is no cure for what I have but there is maintenance. Which I am really big into. Part of me going into personal training is so that I can move around all day. Just so happens that I love to do that anyway. God is giving me a provision mixed with a passion to help others.For this, I am blessed. I feel as though I am actually just taping into what is being provided. And all of my other hopes and dreams will come along too, if I just keep the path. God never promised us that everything will always be ok and we each have our issues to deal with - that which we are responsible for as adults. Doesn't mean we can't complain once in a while... doesn't mean that negative thoughts make us a crappy person or a less than person... just means that when all is said and done and you come out the other side... you are smiling and know that you just conquered the beast at least for a little while. Most medical issues have two sides to them... the blessing and the curse. The curse in mine? Well, that's obvious. The blessing? Knowing that I have what it takes deep, down inside to make it through... even when my mind is telling me to just go ahead and end it all. Fighting that urge can be quite a feat all on it's own.

Life keeps providing me with oppurtunities to adapt and overcome. For this... I am grateful and less than lonely when all is said and done.